Central Perk, Rachel is looking around the shop as Phoebe returns from getting some more coffee.
RachelWill you check out that guy by the window, wow!
PhoebeThat guy back there? He's awfully short and I-I think he's talking to himself. And to be completely honest, he's not that good in bed.
RachelReally? Oh, what is wrong with me lately? I mean it's like every guy I see-I mean look- hey- (Points behind them) Look at that guy for example, I mean normally that's not someone I would-would be attracted to, but right now, with the way I'm feeling, all I wanna do is rip off his sweatpants and fanny pack.
PhoebeWait a second! This is about the fourth month of your pregnancy, right?
PhoebeThis is completely normal, around the fourth month your hormones start going crazy.
RachelReally?! So this has happened to you?
PhoebeOh absolutely yeah! Oh and keep in mind, now, I was carrying triplets so, you know, medical terms I was-I was thrice as randy.
RachelWow! This explains so much! Last weekend, I went from store to store sitting on Santa's laps.
PhoebeYeah. Yeah, I remember trying to steal a cardboard cutout of Evander Holyfield from a footLocker.
RachelWell, you know what? I go see my doctor tomorrow, I'll ask her about this. Maybe she can give me a pill or something.
PhoebeYeah. Yeah, that's what you need a good...pill. Oh, no! Short Crazy Guy recognizes me. (Rachel turns round to see him) Worst mistake of my life. (As Rachel turns back round, Phoebe mouths "call me" to Short Crazy Guy.
Central Perk, Joey and Ross are there as Mona enters.
MonaHey! (To Joey) Hey!
MonaHi! Look! I got our pictures developed from Rockefeller Center.
RossOh great! Hey-hey Joey, you wanna to check out pictures of me and Mona ice skating?
JoeyOh uh, ordinarily I would love too, but I am just swamped right now. (Brushes something off of his shirt and looks around, but doesn't move from his chair.)
RossHey where-where are the pictures that-that creepy pretzel vendor took of us together?
MonaOh, yeah, probably at the end. (Flips to the end.) Oh my God! All he took were pictures of my breasts!
JoeyI'm missing picture time?! (Jumps over to look, Ross glares at him and he retreats.)
Phoebe(sitting down next to Ross) You know, she has a face Ross!
RossI didn't take these, ok? I-I didn't even know my camera had a zoom lens.
MonaOk. Ok, here's a good one of us.
RossWow! That is a good one! Wow, looks like a, like a holiday card you know, with the tree in the middle and the skaters and the snow. Good job pretzel pervert.
MonaYou know, every year I say I'm gonna send out holiday cards and I never do it. Do you wanna, do you wanna send this one out together?
Ross(pause) Together? Like to-to people?
MonaYeah, you know. Happy holidays from Mona and Ross. It'll be cute, ok?
RossOk. (Not happy about it.)
MonaOh, I gotta get to work. So call me later?
RossUh sure, sure.
Joey(To Ross) Congratulations! You just got married!
RossI know. Can you believe that?
PhoebeWait, I'm-I'm sorry. What's the big deal about a holiday card?
RossMarried couples send out cards, families send out cards, people who've been dating for a couple of months do not send out cards! What-what is she crazy?!
JoeyHey-hey-hey, hey that's your wife you're talking about!
RossNo really, I mean, that-that would be like a huge step forward, and I-I like things just the way they are. I'm finally in a relationship that is not moving too fast. You know ordinarily I'd be divorced by now.
JoeyOk, so, so just tell her you don't wanna send out the card. Will- what she gonna do?
PhoebeThis. (As Mona, in a downbeat voice) "Oh, ok. I-I didn't mean to put pressure on you I just thought it would be something fun for us to do together. But ok, that's ok."
RossOk, stop, stop, You're right, it's-it's not that big a deal. I'll, I'll do the card. (Phoebe starts to look sad again) What? I-I said I'd do it.
Phoebe(As Mona again) I know, it's just, can I have $20?"
(Ross turns round to look at Joey and he looks sad too)
Chandler's Office, Monica enters, Chandler is at his desk.
MonicaHi, you ready for lunch?
ChandlerOne second. (He holds up one of them paper cut-out people chain things... can't think of any other way to describe it)
DougBing! Ho! And the Bing-ette! Yeah, I thought it felt a little hotter in the office today.
ChandlerOh, Honey, you remember my boss Doug right?
DougHi. So, good news, the divorce is final. I signed the papers this A.M.
ChandlerI didn't know you and Carol were getting divorced, I'm sorry.
DougSorry? Finally chewed my leg out of that bear trap. Hey, congratulations to you guys though!
MonicaWell, no leg-chewing for us sir.
DougWell, give it time. So, the divorce, the marriage, we got a lot to celebrate. How about we all go out to dinner tomorrow night?
MonicaI can't think of anything we're doing. (Quietly) Why can't I think of anything we're doing?
DougTomorrow night it is then, I should be out of court by six. They keep throwing these sexual harassment cases at me and I keep knocking them out of the park!
MonicaOk, ok, see you tomorrow! (Doug exits.) Just so you know, we're not seeing him tomorrow. (Chandler wonders why.)
ChandlerHoney, once you get to know him, he's much, much worse. I can't do this alone.
MonicaHoney, I'm sorry, I cannot help you, I-I cannot spend another evening with that man. Do you remember how he behaved at our wedding?
MonicaThat's because he wasn't invited, all right? Because of the way he behaved at our engagement party.
ChandlerOh yeah. Boy, urine cuts right through an ice sculpture doesn't it?
Ross's Apartment, He is lying on the couch marking his student's papers. He starts to doze off.
RossOh what the hell, B+.
(there's a knock on the door and he opens it to Mona.)
MonaHey, I went by the photo shop, take a look, here is a mockup of our card. What'd you think?
RossHuh. Wow, that's- this is great.
MonaNow, do you think it should say, "Love Ross and Mona?"
RossWell, we-we haven't said that to each other yet, but I guess it's ok to say it to other people.
MonaHow many did you want? I'm getting a hundred.
RossA hundred?! Well, I-I guess I'll take a-Mona, uh...I don't, I-I'm not sure about the whole uh, the card thing.
MonaReally? Why not?
RossSending out a holiday card, together, I mean I just don't know if we're really quite there yet.
MonaYou know, I didn't think of it that way. You're right. You're right. So, can I ask you a question?
MonaWhere are we?
MonaYou know, like where are we? Where is this relationship going?
MonaI mean, I love spending time with you, you know I just-I hope we're moving forward. I mean, we should probably talk about that. Don't you think?
RossLet's do the card!
RossThe card! I think we're there!
MonaOk. I-But I still think we should have this conversation.
RossReally?! I mean, even with the card?
Rachel's Doctor's Office, she is waiting for her doctor as a nurse enters.
NurseJust so you know, Dr. Long can't be here today, she was called to the hospital, so Dr. Schiff will be seeing you.
RachelOh, ok. Hey, can I ask you a question? Was it me, or-or was the guy who took my blood sample really cute? You know who I'm talking about, bald haircut, hairy fingers... (Stops when she realizes it was her.) Actually never mind, I just answered my own question.
Dr. Schiff(entering) Hi Rachel? I'm Dr. Schiff. (By the way, he's an attractive man.)
RachelYes, you are. (to the nurse) Hey, now, he's cute right?
NurseOh, God yes.
Dr. SchiffSo, how's it going?
RachelGood, really good. But enough about me, come on! Where-where're you from? What do you do?
Dr. SchiffI'm a doctor.
RachelRight! Right! I-I actually meant you know, in your spare time, do you cook? Do you ski? Or just hang out with your wife or girlfriend?
Dr. SchiffUh, I don't have a wife or girlfriend, but I, I do like to ski.
RachelOh, I love to ski! How amazing is this?!
Dr. SchiffSo, are you experiencing any discomfort?
RachelNo. I'm very comfortable.
Dr. SchiffAny painful gas?
RachelNo! Shoot, Dr. Schiff, what kind of question is that?!
Dr. SchiffOk then, would you like to lie down on the table?
RachelWell would you like me to lie down on the table?
Dr. SchiffI'm sorry, is there something going on here?
RachelDo you feel it too?
Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are there as Rachel enters.
PhoebeOh hey! So, how did your doctor's appointment go?
RachelWell, let's see. Uh, they gave me cute boy doctor today and in the middle of the exam I put my pinky in his chin dimple.
PhoebeOh my God.
MonicaWhy did you do that?
PhoebeOk, remember that little problem I was having during my fourth month of pregnancy?
MonicaOh yeah, the Evander Holyfield phase. Oh man you were so hard up you practically came on to me.
MonicaHey, I got had you if I wanted you.
PhoebeOh yeah? Come and get it.
RachelOk, even this is turning me on! Ok, you guys, I-I got problems.
RachelOh hey! Hey, Ross! Hey, how's it, how's it going with you and Mona? You guys still together?
RossOh yeah, yeah we're moving forward. You'll be getting our card!
MonicaYou and Mona are doing a holiday card together?
RossYeah, we're not just doing a card! You know, she-she also wants to have the conversation about where the relationship is going.
RossI know! I know! Why do you guys need to have this conversation?! Huh? I mean no self-respecting man would ask a woman, "So, where is this going?"
RachelUh Ross? You asked me that.
RossHey! You were a closed book! Ok? I'm not a mind reader!
MonicaWell what're you gonna say to her? I mean, where is this relationship going?
RossI-I don't know, I mean I really like her, and I wanna keep dating her.
PhoebeSo tell her that.
RossNo, I can't. Beause then she's gonna say "Well if it's not moving anywhere, then-then-then, we should just break up."
PhoebeYeah that's true.
RossTell you, besides, I hate those conversations. I'm horrible at them. Really! Maybe-maybe I need some kind of a gesture. You know, something that says we're moving forward without having to talk about it.
MonicaLike asking her to move in with you?
RossWow, huh, smaller than that.
MonicaMaking her a mixtape?
RossUh, bigger than that.
PhoebeGive her a key to your apartment.
RossWhoa-hello! We were closer with the mixtape.
MonicaAll right. Have you said, "I love you?" You could say, I love you.
RossYeah I-I don't-I don't think I'm quite there yet, but oh, I could say I looove spending time with you.
PhoebeNo, we hate that.
MonicaThat is a slap in the face.
RossOh forget it. I-I-You know what? I-I'll just, I'll have the conversation. I'll just say I like things the way they are, and-and hope for the best. What'd you think Rach?
RachelI think, if it was a little colder in here I could see your nipples through that sweater.
Chandler's Office, Doug is entering.
DougBing! We're all set for tonight, 8 o'clock.
ChandlerOh uh, as it turns out, we can't do it. Monica has to work.
DougOh, my ex-wife didn't work, unless you call turning into her mother work. Fine. Tomorrow night then.
ChandlerOh uh well tomorrow's no good for her either.
DougOh? Why not?
ChandlerIt's the semi-finals...of her...botchy ball tournament.
DougOk, the night after that then.
ChandlerWell, that's the finals, and I think she's gonna go all the way, sir.
DougWhat's going on, Bing? Does uh, your wife have a problem with me or something?
ChandlerWell now-now you're just talking crazy.
DougSo why can't the three of us go out together?
ChandlerBecause uh...we-we...we split up. Monica and I split up. Hold me.
DougGood God Bing I...well I can't say I'm altogether surprised, I saw the way she looked at you, and there was no love there. And the way she looked at me, pure lust.
ChandlerYou know what would really help me through this tough time is choking someone. Can I choke ya?
DougI know how you feel. Oh yeah, I know what it's like to give a woman all your love and then have that love thrown back in your face. and then the court decides to give you custody of those fat left-handed twins.
ChandlerWell, they're, they're lucky to have you, sir.
DougBing my boy, we're gonna get you over this. Here's the plan, grab your coat, we're going to a strip club.
ChandlerOh no-no-no, Monica would freak. (Doug looks at him.) But to hell with that bitch.
Central Perk, Ross is getting Mona some coffee.
RossHere we go. Mona umm, I think it's time we-we had a conversation about-about where things are with us.
MonaYeah, I-I think I suggested that.
RossAw, we-we are so...(Motions that they're connected.) So, umm, well I-I-I really like you and I-I love umm, you know hanging out with you. And I mean-I'm having a lot of fun. (He pauses and thinks there might be more, but decides there isn't.)
RossI mean, there's no point in spending time with someone if-if it's just fun. I mean It's gotta be, it's gotta be going somewhere right? So where-where is it going? (Pause) Ah! That's-that's the real question. And-and the answer is...it's going somewhere...fun. Now I-I know what you're thinking, fun was fine for you like ten years ago you know, but I mean you're-you're not getting any younger. No I mean-No not you, not you, you-you are getting younger. I mean-you-you look like you're getting younger by the, by the second-What's your secret?
MonaI'm sorry, so, umm, so where are we?
RossWell, well, to sum up, we're having fun, you look young.
RossBut that's not enough. So... So...here's a key to my apartment. (Hands her his key.)
MonaYou don't think this is too fast.
(Ross groans no.)
Joey and Rachel's, Ross is telling Rachel and Monica about yet another mistake he's made with a woman.
RachelYou gave her a key to your apartment?!
RossNot just a key, I gave her the only key! I am now a homeless person in a very serious relationship.
MonicaWhy did you give her a key?
RossShe talked me into a corner. Ok, she's like this conversational wizard!
RachelSo, you had the conversation you didn't wanna have, and you made the gesture you didn't wanna make.
RossDid I start this by saying "Hey, I did something awesome today!"? Do-do either of you have a-a key to my place?
MonicaI don't think you've ever given us keys.
RossWhy would I? It's my home!
Phoebe(entering with some guy) Hey. Ooh Ross! How'd the conversation go?
RossOh great, I live on the street.
PhoebeWhere?! (Ross exits.)
PhoebeHi! Ok, Monica, Rachel, this is my friend Roger.
PhoebeSo umm, I'm gonna get us some drinks. (To Rachel) Could you help me out?
RachelYeah. (They go into the kitchen.)
PhoebeUmm, he's here to have sex with you.
PhoebeIt's ok, he's a virgin.
MonicaRachel umm, I-I was just talking to this guy and I think he'll have sex with you.
PhoebeYeah, ok let's leave these two alone.
RachelNo! You guys I don't care what my hormones are doing, I am not gonna just do it with some random guy!
PhoebeFine! Then you tell Roger 'cause he was really looking forward to this! (Phoebe exits.)
(Roger wets his lips in anticipation)
A Strip Club, Doug and Chandler are there.
DougOh Bing, look at those twin sisters dancing together. Let me buy you a lap dance with those girls. Huh?
ChandlerOh that's all right sir, and that's just one girl.
DougBing, what's this?! (Grabs his hand.)
ChandlerIt's a hand. It's a thing you use as a Jack and Coke holder.
DougNo, it's a wedding ring. You gotta get rid of it. We're gonna go to the East River right now and throw it in there!
DougOh yeah-yeah-yeah, you know I did it and I felt a hell of a lot better and if you whip it just right you might hit a seagull in the head.
Ross's Apartment, a locksmith has finished changing the locks on Ross's door.
RossOk, and oh I'm gonna need a bunch of extra keys. Apparently I-I give them away for no reason at all.
Mona(entering) Hey Ross, what's going on? You changing the lock?
RossNo. That guy is.
MonaI don't understand. You-you give me a key to your apartment and then you change the lock?
LocksmithGood luck buddy. (Exits.)
MonaUmm, I-I thought we were moving forward and now you're-you're sending me all these mixed signals. What're you trying to tell me?
RossI'm trying to tell you I made you a mixtape.
RossI love you!
MonaOhh! (Hugs him.) And I love spending time with you. (Ross isn't happy.)
Monica and Chandler's, Monica is eating dinner as Chandler enters.
ChandlerHi honey I'm home.
MonicaFrom the tequila factory?
ChandlerIt was awful. To get out of going to dinner with Doug I told him that you and I split up. So then he took me to all these strip clubs and sleazy bars, and then when I wouldn't give him my wedding ring, he threw a soda can at a bird!
MonicaCome here. I can breath through my mouth.
ChandlerYou know what the worst part was? I got to see what my life would be like without you. You know it was like It's a Wonderful Life with lap dances. Please promise me, that you will never leave me, that we will grow old together, and be with each other for the rest of our lives.
MonicaI promise. Hey, speaking of together, how about we send out a holiday card this year?
ChandlerOoh, I-I don't know if we're there yet.
Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is on the phone.
RachelYes. Hi, I'd like to order a pizza. Ok, can I ask you a question? Is-is the cute blond guy delivering tonight? Very Abercrombie & Fitch. (Joey enters.) I'll call you back.
JoeyWho was that?
RachelIt's just the pizza place.
JoeyYou-you hung up on the pizza place? I don't hang up on your friends.
RachelSorry honey, I'm just having a, having a rough day.
JoeyOh, what's wrong?
RachelOh you really, you really just don't, don't wanna hear about it.
JoeyThen why did I ask?
RachelOk, it's just-and this is really embarrassing-but lately with this whole pregnancy thing I'm just finding myself...how do I put this umm, erotically charged.
JoeyIs that college talk for horny?
RachelYeah. So, you know, I have all of these feelings and I don't know what to do about them, because I can't date like a normal person, which is fine because I don't need a relationship, I mean all I really want is one great night. Just sex, you know? No strings attached, no relationship, just with someone that I feel comfortable with and who knows what he's doing. For just one great night, I mean is that really so...hard...to find. (Looks at Joey.) So how-how was your day?
JoeyGood-good, I uh, I saw a pretty big pigeon.
RachelWell, I gotta get up early and it's almost seven o'clock.
JoeyYeah, I gotta, I gotta go to my room too.
RachelOk, good night!
JoeyGood night. (They both enter their rooms.)
Joey(entering) I can't do it!
Rachel(entering) I didn't ask you to do it!
JoeyYou're my friend!
RachelRight back at ya!
JoeyYeah. But, plus, it would be wrong and weird and-and-and bad.
RachelAnd so bad. I don't even know what you're talking about because I didn't ask you to do anything!
JoeyYou wanna do it?
JoeyI- me neither! I was just testing you!
RachelHey, well that's the end of this conversation!
JoeyThis conversation never happened!
RachelNever happened! Good night!
(They both go into their rooms and after a little while Rachel pokes her head into the living room.)
JoeyGet back in there! (Rachel re-enters her room and closes the door.)
Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is there as Phoebe enters.
PhoebeHi. Listen, I'm sorry about that whole thing with Roger. It really wasn't right, and I, and I wanna make it up to you, so, umm, I brought you something that I think you'll really enjoy. Ok. (Goes into the hallway and returns carrying the Evander Holyfield cutout.) Now, this is just a loan. Ok? I'm gonna, I'm gonna want him back. So... (Looks at him longingly) I'm gonna go now. (Exits.) (Pause) (Entering) I'm sorry, I thought I could do it and I can't! (She grabs the cutout and exits for good.)
Written by Robert Carlock; Transcribed by Eric Aasen, with additional material by Keith Owen; Annotated by ncp