The Hallway, Monica and Chandler are coming back from the store.
ChandlerDid we get paper towels?
MonicaYou mean the thing we went to the store for? Nope.
(They enter their appartment and find Phoebe already there standing in front of a huge object that has been gift wrapped.]
PhoebeHey! I got you a present!
ChandlerOh my goodness! Where did you hide it?
PhoebeI got it for your wedding and I ordered it weeks ago, and it finally got here!
ChandlerPheebs you didn't have to get us anything for our wedding you already sang...
Monica(interrupting) I love it! It's huge! Let's open it! Open it! (Monica rips open the paper.)
PhoebeIt's a Ms. Pac-Man machine!
MonicaOh my God!
PhoebeI didn't know where to put it so I just left it here for now.
MonicaOh well, maybe we can put it in the guest bedroom.
MonicaAll right. (He goes to push it and it doesn't move.)
ChandlerI kinda like it here.
PhoebeDo you really like it?
MonicaAre you kidding?! I practically spent my entire childhood at the arcade! This is like-Oh my God, this is like my second favorite game!
PhoebeOh really? What was your first?
MonicaWell I-I don't really remember the name of it.
ChandlerWell what did it do?
MonicaWell, you just-you put a quarter in and you know pull-pull some handles and you win like a candy bar or something.
ChandlerA vending machine?
MonicaDon't feel bad for me! I won like every time!
Central Perk, Joey and Rachel are there as Ross enters.
RossHey! Um, I'm so glad you guys are here. I've been dying to tell someone what happened in the Palaeontology Department today.
Joey(To Rachel) Do you think he saw us or can we still slip out?
RossProfessor Newman, the head of the department, is retiring, so....
RachelThey made you head of the department!
RossNo, I get to teach one of his advanced classes! (Pause) Why didn't I get head of the department?
RachelWell that's great, You always wanted to teach an advanced class.
RossI know, I know, I know, its really exciting. I mean this is the break I've been waiting for. I'm not sure a court-ordered detox program was the break Professor Newman was waiting for but hey! (Goes and gets some coffee.)
JoeyOh! Hey Rach, listen umm...
JoeyI got a big date coming up, do you know a good restaurant?
RachelUh, Paul's Café. It's got great food and it's really romantic.
JoeyOoh, great! Thanks!
RachelYeah! Oh, and then afterwards you can take her to the Four Seasons for drinks. Or you go downtown and listen to some jazz. Or dancing-Oh! Take her dancing!
JoeyYou sure are naming a lot of ways to postpone sex, I'll tell ya...
RachelOoh, I miss dating. Getting all dressed up and going to a fancy restaurant. I'm not gonna be able to do that for so long, and it's so much fun! I mean not that sitting at home worrying about giving birth to a sixteen pound baby is not fun.
JoeyHey, you know what?
JoeyWhy don't I take you out?
RachelWhat?! Joey, you don't wanna go on a date with a pregnant lady.
JoeyYes I do! And we're gonna go out, we're gonna have a good time, we're gonna take your mind off of childbirth and c-sections and-and giant baby heads stretching out...
Rachel(interrupting) Ok! Ok! I'll go with you! I'll go! I'll go with you.
JoeyI'll be fun.
RachelAll right? Ok.
Monica and Chandler's, Monica is watching Phoebe play Ms. Pac-Man.
PhoebeNo. No! Yes! Ahh. Oh, would you look at that Monica? I just knocked off all of your top scores, how sad.
MonicaOk, I'm next. (Phoebe starts another game.) No! Don't start another game! I said I'm next! Phoebe!
PhoebeOh, I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you over all the winning.
MonicaChandler! Phoebe's hogging the game!
ChandlerWho cares? It's a stupid game.
MonicaOh, you only think it's stupid 'cause you suck at it.
ChandlerI don't suck. It's sucks. You suck.
PhoebeWait ok, if this game is gonna cause problems between the two of you, then maybe I should just keep it.
MonicaNo no no! No! I love it! It is a great present! But you know, in fact, why don't you go home and wait for the thank you card?
ChandlerWhy do you wanna play this game so badly?
PhoebeYeah! It's not like it spits out a Clark bar after every game.
MonicaOk. Phoebe that's it. Come on, get out-out of the chair. Come on! Come on! Out of the chair. (She goes to move Phoebe, but Phoebe goes limp and Monica can't move her.) Oh come...Phoebe! Chandler!
ChandlerNo no no, this is a girl fight. I'm hoping it will turn into love play.
MonicaOk look, honey I'm-I'm sorry that, that I'm acting hostile, I don't mean to, it's just I love this game so much, that I would just like a chance to play a little too.
PhoebeWow, it's amazing how well I can play with you yapping round my head like a Chihuahua.
MonicaAlright that's it. Chandler, come on, help me get her out of the chair. (He doesn't move) Chandler, come on. (She goes to move Chandler, but he goes all limp like Phoebe did.) [Transcribers Note: They used this last part on the opening titles on the second half of season 8]
Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is getting ready for her date with Joey as there is a knock on the door.
RachelJoey? Could you get that? (There is no answer and she goes and opens the door to Joey.) What're you doing here? I thought you were in your room?
JoeyNo, I'm picking you up for our date. These are for you. (Hands her some flowers.)
RachelOhh, Lilies. Joey, they're my favorite. Thank you.
JoeyAnd, a brownie! (Hands her a bag with the brownie in it.) Well, half a brownie. Actually, it's just the bag. It's a long walk from the flower shop and I was starting to feel faint so...
RachelOh man! This is so great! I actually feel like I'm going on a real date! Although, I have a hint of morning sickness, and I'm wearing underwear that goes up to about...(She snaps the waistband on her underwear that is just slightly below her breasts)...there.
JoeyHey come on now, this is a real date. Uh, so...nice place she got here. Foosball, huh? Pizza box. Oh, a subscription to Playboy, my kind of woman.
RachelYeah, actually that's my roommate's.
JoeyI would like to meet him. He sounds like a stand up guy.
RachelAh yes, but he's very protective of me so you'd better watch yourself.
JoeyAh... Hey, so uh, this roommate of yours...is he good-looking?
JoeyOh yeah, it must be tough to keep your hands off him, huh?
Rachel(laughs) Yeah, but I'm pretty sure he's gay.
JoeyNo-no-no-no, he's not! No! Why're you trying to ruin the game? Come on!
N.Y.U, Ross is teaching a class.
Ross...which brings us back, of course, to Greely's theory of dominance. (The bell rings.) Ok, that-that's all for today. Oh, uh does anyone know where the Freeman building is?
StudentYeah, it's the new building on Avenue A.
RossWhat?! That-that's all the way cross town, I'm supposed to teach a graduate seminar there in ten minutes.
StudentOoh, dude. That's not gonna happen.
(Ross grabs his things and runs to the door only to be blocked by his exiting students.)
RossMove it! Move it! Move it! Hey! I'm the teacher!
The Freeman Building, Ross is entering his new class completely out of breath.
RossHello. (He throws his jacket towards the coat rack and misses.) Hello. Sorry I'm a little late. Ah-(Checks his watch)-Whoa! A lot late. Uh, well let me start by uh, by introducing myself, I am uh Professor Geller. (The bell rings.) So, to sum up, I'm Professor Geller. Good job today.
A Restaurant, a waitress is taking Joey and Rachel's dinner order.
RachelNow the filet mignon, what comes with that?
WaitressThere's a side of steamed vegetables.
RachelEmmm. Now, instead of the vegetables, is there anyway that I could substitute the um three-pound lobster?
JoeyYou know what? Bring her both, and I'll have the same. (The waitress leaves.)
RachelWow! This is shaping up to be a pretty good date-Oh, I almost forgot. I didn't pay you the rent check.
JoeyOh whoa-whoa-whoa, no roommate stuff. Ok? We're on a date.
RachelOk. Wow! So I get to see what Joey Tribbiani is like on a date. So do you have any moves?
JoeyNo! No. Umm, just myself and if they don't like me for-(Laughs.) I'm sorry I couldn't even get through that.
RachelI knew it! I knew it. Come on tell me your moves.
JoeyUh, alright. Umm, well, ok, I usually start by having a bottle of wine sent to my table from a fan.
RachelOh my God. And that works?!
JoeyWell it does when you combine it with, "This is so embarrassing, I just wanna have a normal life!"
RachelOh, you poor little famous man.
JoeyOh ok, how about this one. I was gonna wait until the end of the night to kiss you, but you're just beautiful...I don't think I can.
Rachel(looks interested) Oh my God! Wow! That was fantastic, I almost leaned in. I really almost did!
JoeyAlright, so...so tell me one of your moves.
RachelAlright. Uh. So where'd you grow up?
JoeyThat's your move? Boy Rach, you're lucky you're hot.
RachelCome on, just answer the question!
RachelAnd so were-were you close to your parents?
JoeyYeah, with my mom. Yeah, I'm not so much with my dad.
JoeyI don't know. I guess there's just always been this distance you know-I mean we both try to pretend it's not there, but it is.
Rachel(sympathetic) Oh. (Starts rubbing his wrist with her fingers.) It's gotta be rough.
JoeyYeah, it is. Yeah it's really tough. You know sometimes I think-Wow! Nice move!
Joey"Where'd you grow up," so simple!
RachelThank you! And now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go to the restroom.
(Rachel gets up and heads for the rest room.)
RachelAnd now you're watching me walk away.
JoeyYes I am! Again, so simple!
Monica and Chandler's, Monica is entering to find Chandler playing Ms. Pac-Man.
ChandlerYou are not gonna believe what I did today!
MonicaWell it clearly wasn't showering or shaving.
ChandlerI got good. I played this game all day and now I rule at it! They should change the name of it to Ms. Chandler. (Pause) Although I-I hope they don't.
MonicaWait a minute, you stayed home all day and played Ms. Pac-Man while I went off to work like some kind of chump?!
ChandlerUh-huh, and I got all the top ten scores, I erased Phoebe off the board! High five! (Holds up his hand to give Monica a high five, only he can't straighten his fingers.)
MonicaWhat is the matter with your hand?
ChandlerWell I've been playing it for like eight hours, it-it'll loosen up. Come on, check out the scores. Oh, and also look at the initials, they're dirty words.
MonicaChandler, why would you do that?
ChandlerBecause it's awesome.
MonicaYou think this is clever?
ChandlerWell, you know, they only give you three letters, so after A-S-S it is a bit of a challenge.
MonicaBut clearly you're up to the task. Hey wait a minute, this one is not dirty.
ChandlerWell it is when you put it together with that one.
MonicaAh, well if you don't clear this off, you won't be getting one of those from me. Ben's coming over here tomorrow to play this game, this can't be there.
ChandlerCome on, he won't even know what they mean.
MonicaChandler! He's seven; he's not stupid.
ChandlerHave you talked to him lately?
MonicaAll right, look I'm just gonna unplug it.
ChandlerNo-no-no, if you unplug it, I'll have nothing to show for my day! It would be like I was at work. (She unplugs it.) No! (And plugs it back in.) Hey look at that! Look at that, it's still there! This thing must have some kind of primitive ROM Chip in it or something!
MonicaWow, the dirty words and the computer talk. This is just the coolest you've ever been. Honey you-you gotta beat your scores!
ChandlerWith the claw?!
MonicaAll right fine. Fine, I'll do it. Just gotta get this off the screen. Carol and Susan are still upset that you taught him pull my finger.
Chandler(smiles) Pull my finger-(Looks at his hand)-My hand is messed up.
Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Rachel are returning from their date.
RachelI am not gonna answer that!
JoeyOh, come on! Just pick one! Between Monica, Phoebe, Chandler, and Ross if you had to, if you had to, who would you punch?
RachelNo one! They are my friends, I wouldn't punch any of them.
RachelYeah, but I don't know why. Look at me, I'm having such a wonderful time!
JoeyMe too! Hey, Rach, can I just say I think this is the best date I ever had!
JoeyI never laughed so hard-Did you see the wine come out of my nose?
RachelJoey, I think everybody saw the wine come out of your nose.
JoeyI gotta say, I never knew I could enjoy the non-sex part of the date so much.
RachelWell, that is because you have never been on a date with me before.
RachelAll right, now don't judge me. I normally wait till my date leaves, but you live here. I'm ripping into this swan.
JoeyAh! Ok, well then you don't judge me. I'm gonna suck on the Cellophane from the brownie I had before. (They both do as they planned.)
RachelSo, tell me, what are Joey Tribbiani's end of the night moves?
JoeyAh, well, if I want the girl to kiss me, first thing I do is make my lips look irresistible.
RachelHow do you do that?
JoeyNow you can't tell anyone, but uh...I put on shiny lip balm.
RachelOh my God!
JoeyYeah, like a moth to a flame, I'm telling you. Ok, all right, so, now you go.
RachelNo, I don't wanna tell you.
RachelBecause it's embarrassing.
JoeyMore embarrassing than shiny raspberry lip balm?! (Rachel just looks at him.) I didn't say raspberry before did I? All right just-just tell me Rach, just tell me!
Rachel(laughs) Ok. All right, stand up. (They do so.) Well, when we're at the door, I lightly press my lips against his, and then move into his body just for a second, and then I make this sound, "Hmmm." Ok, I know it doesn't sound like anything, but I swear it works.
Joey(stunned and turned on) Yeah. Why-Yeah, that would work for ya...
RachelAll right, I gotta go to bed. Honey, I had such a wonderful time.
JoeyOh. (She kisses him.) Yeah. (She goes into her room.) Me too. (He then starts to freak out.)
Central Perk, Ross is telling Rachel about his class location predicament.
Rachel...you were 50 minutes late to the class, what did you, crawl there?!
RossNo, I ran. Ok? It was really far, and when did people stop understanding the phrase, "Get the hell out of my way!"
RachelWell, why didn't you just take a cab?
RossUgh, between the traffic that time of day and all the one-way streets it'll take me twice as long. Besides, I teach the class three times a week, who am I? Rockefeller?
RachelWell you're not gonna be able to keep doing this.
RossWell I have to. Ok? If I don't, they'll take the class away from me. And...I already put it in my family newsletter.
RossYou've seen it, the Geller Yeller.
RossBesides, I-I think I figured out a much faster route, I'm-I'm sure I can make it this time. I just...I just can't be afraid to get a little bit...hit by cars. (He goes to the bathroom as Joey enters.)
RachelHi! Hey, remember um last night how we were talking about that movie Cujo?
JoeyOh yeah, I still can't believe you haven't seen Cujo. What is wrong with you?
RachelRelax! It's not like it's Citizen Kane!
JoeyHave you ever tried to sit through Citizen Kane?
RachelYeah I know it's really boring, but it's like a big deal. Anyway, I was thinking about renting Cujo sometime.
JoeyOh yeah? All right. Well, let's do it tonight.
RachelWell don't you have that big date tonight?
RachelHey, Joey, can I ask you something?
RachelAfter our date last night, did you feel a little weird?
JoeyOh my God! You did too? It totally freaked me out, what was that?!
RachelI-I don't know! (Pause) I'm-I'm kinda thinking it-it was the lobster...
JoeyOh yeah-yeah, the lobster.
RachelYeah, I mean I was up sick all night.
JoeyYeah, me too, all night.
RachelReally?! How come we didn't cross paths?
JoeyYeah well that's because uh...I stayed in my room. Yeah, you don't wanna look in my hamper.
Monica and Chandler's, Monica is trying to erase Chandler's dirty words while he looks on.
MonicaOk, I got that. I'll escape over there. I'll come back over here. All right, come on Ms. Pac-Man. It's got-Right-(She dies.) Well, you're just a little bitch, aren't you?
Phoebe(entering) Hey, you guys. Listen, I'm sorry that I was hogging the game before. But if, if you don't get off soon, I will cut you. (Sees the top ten list)-Oh my God! Your friends have some unfortunate initials!
MonicaThey're all Chandler.
PhoebeChandler sucks! He couldn't've gotten this good!
ChandlerI did. (Looks at his still deformed hand) But it came at a price.
MonicaWell, Ben is coming over tonight and he can't see this.
ChandlerOh come on, by age seven kids have already seen orgies. (They both look at him.) Was it just me?!
N.Y.U. Ross is finishing teaching his first class and is putting on some Nike trainers.
RossSo, we're about out of time. Now, I know I've given you a lot of new information (starts doing stretches) and it may seem a little overwhelming (stretches some more, and moans with the pain) ...but, if there's uh, there's one thing, you need to take away from class today... (stretches more) it's that dinosaurs ain't never coming back. I'll, uh, see you next time. (He grabs his bag and coat and runs out the class)
N.Y.U, Ross's new class, he is entering out of breath.
RossYeah! Yes, I made it! I'm on time! (Grabs a bottle of water from a student, takes a drink, and splashes some on his face like the marathon runners do.) Ok, why don't we all uh, (Exhales loudly) open our books to page 23. Where... (Exhales again) Where you will see...a uh...a bunch of uh...red spots. Ok, (Closes his book.) umm, why don't, why don't you all start to read, while I-(Passes out and collapses.)
A Restaurant, Joey is on his hot date The waitress is pouring them some wine.
JoeyThis is so embarrassing. I just wanna have a normal life.
Joey's DateWow, that's an expensive bottle of wine.
JoeyIt is? (getting a bit angry) That's funny, my fans don't normally do that. (The waitress leaves smiling.)
Joey's DateHey. Are you all right? You seem a little distracted.
JoeyNo-no-no! I'm fine. It's just... Hey, can-can I ask you something? Have you ever looked at someone that you've known for a while and then suddenly...suddenly see them in a different way?
Joey's DateYou mean like from behind?
JoeyYeah. Yeah, that...that's exactly it. Yeah.
Joey's DateEw, you know what? One time I saw this guy from behind and he seemed like a totally normal guy and then he turned around and it was Stephan Baldwin!
Joey(deadpan) Ooh! Yeah. So yeah, so you know exactly what I'm talking about.
Joey's DateTotally! Wow! (Pause) Would you excuse me for a sec?
JoeyOh yeah, sure. (She gets up, walks towards the bathroom, and Joey watches her go.) Ehhh.
Monica and Chandler's, now it's Phoebe's turn to erase Chandler from the board.
MonicaOh my God Phoebe, you're on fire!
ChandlerOne more score to go! You can do it! (Touches her shoulder.)
PhoebeDon't touch me!
MonicaDon't touch her!
ChandlerAll right! Go left! Go left! Go right! Go right!
PhoebeI can't! I can't! (She dies.) Noooooooo! You son of a bitch!
(At this point a stream of obscenities burst forth from Phoebe's mouth just in time for Ben and Ross to enter and hear most of it, and in slow motion Ross tries to shield his innocent son from Phoebe's vulgarity.)
PhoebeOh hi Ben-No! Don't look at the machine! (Covers the screen.)
Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is watching Cujo while Joey returns from his date scaring Rachel.
RachelOh God! Thank God you're home! I'm watching Cujo.
RachelYes! But what is wrong with this dog?!
JoeyHey, did you get to the part where they're trapped in the car and Cujo's throwing himself at the windshield?
RachelNo! No! Seriously, what's wrong with the dog?! Wait a minute, what are you doing home so early? What happened to your date?
JoeyOh uh, it didn't work out.
RachelOh. Will you wanna watch the rest of the movie with me?
JoeyOh uh, ok. Yeah.
RachelYou know, I never thought I would ever say this about a movie, but I really hope this dog dies. (Joey brings over a stool at sits on it next to Rachel who's in the big chair.) What're you doing over there? Come sit here, you protect me.
JoeyOh, sure, yeah, why not? (Sits on the arm of the chair.)
RachelOk. (Pushes play.) Ok, that's him! That's him! That's Cujo! That's Cujo!
JoeyAll right, I know! I know. Yeah, it's gonna be ok.
RachelOh my God....What's he gonna do now? I can't watch! (Drags Joey closer to her and cowers into his chest.) Oh. Seriously, how can you watch this? Aren't you scared?
JoeyTe-terrified. (But for a totally different reason.)
N.Y.U, Ross's new class, this time he's actually about to do a lecture.
RossSo is everybody here? I got here a little early myself. Let us begin. Now, the hadrosaurids have been unearthed in two main locations. (He moves to the map and we see why he made it to class on time, he's wearing in-line skates and hasn't taken them off.) Here. (Points to the map, somewhere in the Middle East, then spins on the skates and points to the map.) And here. (China.) Now as for the hydrosaurs...
(He tries to move in front of the class, only goes out of control and rolls into the hall, catching himself on the doorway with his pointer. He then pulls himself back into the room with the pointer, only he jams one end of it between the door frame and the door and breaks the pointer in half.)
Written by Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer; Directed by David Schwimmer; Transcribed by Eric Aasen, with additional material by Keith Owen; Annotated by ncp