Joey and Rachel's, Joey is at the counter eating a bowl of Frosted Flakes. Joey(thinking) All right. It's a new day. All that stuff about Rachel, you don't feel that now. It was crazy! You're fine. You're better than fine! You are, as your friend Tony would say, Grrrreat! Everything's normal! She's just your friend Rachel! Your friend Rachel. Your friend, Rachel.
Rachel(coming from her room) Hi, sweetie.
Joey(thinking) Hey, it's your girlfriend, Rachel! Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is sitting on the couch watching TV as Monica comes out of the bathroom. Monica(airily) Hi.
ChandlerAre you, are you high?
MonicaI just had the most amazing bath.
ChandlerReally? I don't like baths.
MonicaWait, you like them with me.
ChandlerHoney, it's not the bath I enjoy, it's the wet, naked lady.
MonicaOh, baths are so relaxing!
ChandlerReally? What do you do? You just sit in there stewing in your own filth.
MonicaHow dirty do you think I am? I'm telling you, if you had some candles and some bubbles and some music, you would love it! It would take all of your stress away.
ChandlerHoney, it's 2:00 on a Wednesday and I'm watching Road Rules, how stressed do you think I am?
Joey(entering) Hey, Chandler, you got a minute? I-I really need to talk to you.
ChandlerOh! Uh, yeah! Is this a, cold pizza talk or a leftover meatloaf talk?
JoeyWell, neither.
ChandlerOh my God, what's up?!
JoeyI don't know. It's-it's just...lately, I've been feeling... Ok, here's what it is... (Pause) You know what? I feel a lot better, thanks! (Starts to leave)
ChandlerCome on, come back here and talk to me, mon frére.
ChandlerJust come back.
JoeyOk. Uhm, you and Monica, friends for a long time, and sure there are rules, but then you went to London. Oh, no, but that's different. I mean, there are rules there, too! You know what I mean?
ChandlerDo you?
JoeyIt was different for you guys! I mean, I mean, you were both in the same place, right?
ChandlerIn London?
ChandlerYes. When Monica and I were in London, we were both in London.
JoeyYou know what? This is a bad idea. Forget it. Forget it, all about it, and listen, do me a favor, this conversation, between you and me.
ChandlerIf that. Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are sitting on the couch playing tic-tac-toe on a plastic game board thing. Rachel has just won a game. PhoebeHow do I keep losing at tic-tac-toe? (she starts to take the pieces off the game board)
RachelOh no no, honey. My circle always stays in the middle.
(Ross sits down after just coming from the bar)
RachelHi! Oh, Ross, don't forget, we have that doctor's appointment tomorrow!
PhoebeHey, are you gonna find out the sex of the baby?
RossNo-no, we talked about it. We don't wanna know. All we care about is that it's happy and healthy.
RachelYep! Happy and healthy! And cute!
RossAnd smart!
RossWith an aptitude for science.
PhoebeAre you two talking about the same baby? Hey! Have you started thinking of names yet?
RachelOh yeah! I've come up with a bunch of ideas!
RossReally? Me too!
PhoebeMe too!
PhoebeUh huh! If it's a girl, Phoebe, and if it's a boy, Phoebo!
RossMaybe. But it wouldn't hurt to have a backup, you know? Uh, Rach-Rach, what were you thinking? (Gives her a look)
RachelOk! Um, I was thinking if it's a girl, how about Sandrine? It's French.
RossHuh. That's a really pretty name for-for an industrial solvent.
RachelOk fine, what do you have?
RossWell, OK, it's for a boy. Well, I know it's a little out there, but...Darwin.
RachelWow, oh my God, our child will be beaten to death in the schoolyard.
PhoebeYeah, by Sandrine.
RossYou're just saying that 'cause-'cause I said no to your name!
RachelI'm really, really not.
PhoebeHow-how about you each get five vetoes?
RossAll right.
RachelAll right.
RossThat sounds fair.
RachelYeah! I don't think you're gonna need it though. Ok, check this out. If it's a girl, Rain.
RossRain? Hi. Hi, my name is Rain. I have my own kiln, and my dress is made out of wheat. [hippie]
PhoebeI know her! I bought homemade soap from her at a Dead show!
RossOk, how about, for a guy, Thatcher?
RachelRoss, why do you hate our child?
RossFine, you go.
RachelOk, James.
RachelBut only if it's a girl.
RossOh, veto. How about-Ooh, I like Ruth! What about Ruth?
RachelOh! I'm sorry! Are we having an 89-year-old? How about Dayton?
RossVeto. Stewart?
RachelVeto. Sawyer?
RossVeto. Helen?
PhoebeIs it me, or is Veto starting to sound really good? Monica and Chandler's, Monica comes from the bathroom as Chandler enters. ChandlerHey.
MonicaBoy, do I have a surprise for you!
ChandlerSex on the balcony?
MonicaNo, but someone's really not gonna get over that idea, are they?
ChandlerWhat is it?
MonicaI drew you a bath!
ChandlerHoney, I don't like baths! Could you draw me a picture of us having sex on the balcony?
MonicaPlease, will you just try it for me? Come on, I used all my best stuff! I-I-I lit some candles. I put on some music. I used bath salts, plus bubble bath! And, I got you this little plastic Navy ship. So it's a boy bath!
ChandlerWell, this does butch it up a bit.
MonicaI swear, if you try it, you will love it!
ChandlerAll right, if I do this, can we at least discuss sex on the balcony?
(Chandler runs into the bathroom)
MonicaBut I know how that discussion's gonna go.
[Cut to Chandler laying in the bathtub. "Only Time," is playing in the background.]
Chandler(thinking) All right, this isn't so bad. I like the flower smell! Which is ok, because I've got my boat. I can actually feel my tension just melting away. I could fall asleep in here. I could drown in here. Mmm... drowning.
Monica(entering) So?
ChandlerOh my God.
MonicaI told you you were a bath person! Hey, when you get out, maybe I can give you a facial!
ChandlerI wanna need a bigger boat. The Doctor's Office, the doctor is writing something as Rachel is on the table, and Ross is standing. RossI don't think you had an open mind about the name Ruth. I mean, come on, little Ruthie Geller, how-how cute is that?
RachelOh, oh my God! I can practically hear the mahjong tiles!
Dr. LongOk! All your tests look fine. Now, are you two interested in knowing the sex of the baby?
RossUh, no. No, we're not.
RachelBut-but you have it right there in that file? You could tell us whether it's a boy or a girl? Dayton or Sandrine? Phoebe or Phoebo?
Dr. LongThat's right. But if you don't wanna know...
RossNo, no, we wanna wait, right?
RachelRight. Right.
Dr. Long(looks at her beeping pager) Oh, I'll be right back. And uh, I know it's really not my place, but please don't name your child Phoebo.
Rachel(looking at the bulletin board with baby pictures) So, which of these babies do you think is the ugliest?
RossWhat? Rach! Come on, that's terrible! They're...uh...they're babies. They're-they're all beautiful.
RachelThird one from the left?
RossYeah, why is it staring at me? I think it knows I'm talking about it. (Rachel starts to peek at the file) Don't-don't you-Wh-Wha-Hey!
RossYou're looking!
RachelI didn't!
RossI saw you!
RachelOk fine, I did. But I-I-I didn't see anything, I swear.
RossShame on you! Ugly baby judges you!
RachelOk, but Ross just listen to me...
RossNo, no, no, no! Don't tell me! I don't wanna know!
RachelBut I couldn't even if I wanted to, because I don't know! I swear; I didn't see anything, and I don't wanna know! It was just a momentary lapse.
RossMomentary lapse. Don't-don't you have any self-control?
Rachel(holding stomach) Ok, a couple months late on the lecture, Ross. Chandler and Monica's, Monica is entering. MonicaHello?
ChandlerI'm in the bathroom, can you come in here? I think there's something wrong.
MonicaYou know what? I-I think I'll wait out here.
ChandlerI'm in the bathtub.
MonicaOh. (She goes into the bathroom.) Hey, what's wrong?
ChandlerI drew my own bath, but I did it wrong! The water's tepid. The salt didn't dissolve and is now... lodged places. And the scents I used don't complement each other. Eucalyptus and chamomile-Oh!
ChandlerThe bath salts! They're starting to effervesce! It's different. (Pause) It's interesting.
MonicaOk, uh, let's talk about something else.
ChandlerYeah! Sure, sure. So, what was going on with you today? Oh-oh-oh!
MonicaWell, I actually had the weirdest conversation with Joey. He was talking about rules and right and wrong and...
ChandlerI had the exact same conversation.
MonicaYou did? What was he talking about?
ChandlerI don't know! Joey hasn't had this much trouble getting out words since we saw him in Macbeth!
MonicaThat was a long night.
ChandlerAll right, let's break this down. What exactly did he say to you?
MonicaOk, he was talking about rules.
MonicaUmm, and looking at people differently.
ChandlerHe didn't say anything about that to me.
MonicaWhat did he tell you?
ChandlerHe was asking all these questions about you, me, and London. And, of course the glue that holds this all together, the rules.
MonicaOk. So you, me and London. Looking at people differently. Maybe he wants to do what you and I did in London with someone.
ChandlerBut what did he mean by rules?
MonicaWait a minute! He stopped talking the minute Phoebe came in!
ChandlerBecause he was looking at her differently.
MonicaAnd Phoebe is his friend, so he thinks that would be breaking the rules!
ChandlerMy God! He wants to do it with Phoebe in London!
Phoebe(from outside the bathroom) You guys?
MonicaJust a minute! (To Chandler) That's Mrs. Tribbiani!
ChandlerYou don't say anything.
MonicaWhy would I say anything? That two of our best friends could start the greatest love affair of their lives! And they would have me to thank, and we could all start having babies?
ChandlerI'm not gonna let you say anything.
MonicaHey, you just stay here! (Dumps a jar of bath salts in the bathtub)
ChandlerOh, God!
(Monica runs out to Phoebe, who is in the kitchen)
PhoebeOh, hey, Monica, I brought back your iron.
MonicaOh, you had that?
MonicaI thought I lost it. I-I got a new one, like, a month ago.
PhoebeOh, just as well, I broke this one.
(Monica starts smiling)
MonicaI mean, I-I, I really shouldn't say. I mean, I'm really not supposed to.
MonicaIt's a humdinger!
PhoebeThen it's really too bad that you can't tell me.
MonicaSomebody likes you!
Phoebe(Groans) Is it Chandler?
PhoebeWell, then tell him to stop staring!
MonicaIt's Joey!
PhoebeReally?! Joey?! You don't say.
MonicaIs it something you'd be interested in?
PhoebeI don't know, I don't know, I don't know. You know, I mean, on the one hand, Mother may I? But you know on the other hand... No. No, I can't. We're friends. No, oh, no. I don't wanna risk what we have.
MonicaI guess that makes sense. So, you think you're gonna talk to him?
PhoebeSure, yeah. I mean, it's Joey. I don't want him to get hurt. Well, I must say, I am on fire! First Chandler, now Joey!
MonicaNot Chandler, just Joey.
PhoebeSure. Central Perk, Ross is sitting on the chair as Rachel walks in. RachelHi.
RachelYou know what? I've been thinking about it. I'm really coming around on the name Ruth. I think I would actually consider naming our child that.
RossRach, I-I can't tell you how-how much that means to me! Ohh... Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You-you hated the name Ruth! Why-why would you change your mind? Unless, you know we're never gonna have to use it. You did see the folder. You know it's a boy!
RachelI didn't see anything! I actually changed my mind about the name.
RossOh I don't think so! You're, you're just giving me Ruth so, so you'll get to name it when it's a boy, and that's when you'll swoop in and name him Heath or Blaine or Sequoia.
RachelI would-Sequoia?
RossUnless... (Rachel groans.) You anticipated that I would figure all this out and you know that it actually is a girl, and, and you really do want her to be named Ruth! Well, I'm not falling for that! Ok? Ruth is off the table!
RachelBut Ross, you want the name Ruth!
RossNot like this! Rachel and Joey's, Joey is sitting on his recliner as Phoebe enters. PhoebeHey.
JoeyHey. Well, what's up?
PhoebeUmm, Joey, I know.
PhoebeI knooow.
PhoebeI know about your feelings.
JoeyOh my God. You do?
PhoebeYes, and I'm sorry. I-I know things worked out for Chandler and Monica, but that's very rare.
JoeyI know. I know. And this is so much more complicated than, than it was for those guys. I mean, it's Rachel for God sakes.
PhoebeFor God sakes, it's Rachel!
JoeyI know. I know. And she's not only my friend; she's, she's my pregnant friend! She's my pregnant friend who's Ross' ex!
PhoebeYeah that's Rachel. (To herself) Beat me over the head with it.
JoeyWhat am I gonna do? You know, and I keep, I keep trying to get rid of these feelings, you know? I stayed up all last night and made a list of everything I don't like about her. You, you wanna hear it?
JoeyShe made me switch to light Mayo. That's it! That's all I got! And, you know what? It tastes the same and my pants fit better!
PhoebeJoey, I think you're just getting upset for nothing. This is probably just a crush.
JoeyYou-you think?
PhoebeAbsolutely! You know, you get this rush of feelings, but then it goes away.
JoeyYeah, just a crush! That's all this is! It's a crush! I'm Joey; I don't get deep feelings.
PhoebeThat's right, there you go! Yeah, crushes happen all the time! I know I've had 'em for all you guys. Well, except for Ross and Chandler. And I'm sure you've had them for us.
JoeyNot really.
PhoebeMm-hmm. (To herself) Throw me a bone here. Central Perk, Rachel is on the couch as Ross enters. RossSo, I uh... I called the doctor, and now we both know the sex of the baby.
RossThat's right. The student has become the master.
RachelRoss, I swear, I don't know.
RossOh, come on, you know it's a girl!
RachelA what?!
RossYou really didn't know?
RachelWe're having a girl?
RachelThat's what you just said!
RachelYou said girl!
RossYes. I'm... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
RachelI'm not! We're having a girl! Sometimes I can't believe it's with you-But still! We're having a girl! Oh!
RossI know! I know. You know what? I'm putting Ruth back on the table!
RachelOh, yes! We'll have ourselves a little baby Ruth...
RossPermission to veto.
RachelYes, please. Monica and Chandler's, Chandler enters as Monica comes from the bathroom. MonicaHey.
ChandlerDo I smell essential oils?
MonicaYeah, I'm gonna take a bath. I'm just gonna get a magazine.
(As soon as Monica leaves the room, Chandler takes off his jacket and runs to the bathroom. Monica enters the bathroom to find Chandler in the bathtub.)
MonicaWhat do you think you're doing?
ChandlerL-leaving my troubles behind?
MonicaI know that you're new at this, but this is completely unacceptable bath decorum.
ChandlerOh, it's so hard to care when you're this relaxed.
MonicaFine, you can have the bath, but I am taking your boat. Now you're just a girl in a tub!
(Phoebe enters the bathroom)
Chandler(upset) Hey!
PhoebeHi, Bubbles. Manly. Well, I just thought I would drop by and let you know how it went with Joey.
Chandler(To Monica) You told her?!
MonicaShe pulled it out of me! She's like a conversational wizard! How'd it go?
PhoebeWell, you were wrong, he doesn't like me!
PhoebeYeah! How would you like it if I sent you to Lee Majors' house and told you that he liked you, and you went down there and you found out that he didn't like you? How would you feel?
Monica(Pause) I don't think I'd care.
PhoebeReally? Lee Majors is hot!
Joey(from outside the bathroom) Hello?
PhoebeWe're in the bathroom!
Chandler(sarcastically) Because it's a relaxing and enjoyable time!
Joey(entering the bathroom) What're you guys doing in here?
MonicaOh my God! A friend he's looking at differently, but it's wrong. It's Rachel!
ChandlerYou like Rachel?!
JoeyLook, it's no big deal, ok? Phoebe and I talked about it. It's just a crush! It's gonna go away! (Looks down) Dude, you gotta rearrange your bubbles! Oh!
Phoebe(checking for herself) (To Monica) Mazel tov.
Rachel(entering) Hey! Ross and I were looking for you! What are we all doing in here? (Looks at Chandler) Oh, my! (Covers the spot where Joey wants bubbles to be replaced.)
MonicaHoney, cover it up with the boat!
ChandlerIt's not an aircraft carrier.
Ross(from outside the bathroom) Hello?
Chandler(sarcastically) Yes, we're all in here and we'd love for you to join us!
Ross(entering) Well hey! What's going on? Ooh, cool boat-(Sees why the boat's there)-Oh, no. (Averts his eyes by looking around the room) (To Rachel) Hey, did you, did you tell them?
RachelNo, I was waiting for you!
PhoebeTell us what?
RachelWe're having a girl.
AllOh, wow! Yay! Wow! Hooray! Oh, man!
(They all hug and then turn and look at Chandler)
ChandlerI'll...I'll get you later! Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sitting at the counter eating Cocoa Puffs. Joey(thinking) All right. It's a new day, and it's just a crush, that's all! Just a little crush! All that worrying I was doing, that was crazy. Crazy! Like my friend the bird here would say, "it was cuckoo!" Everything's gonna be fine. It's just a crush.
Rachel(entering) Hi, sweetie.
Joey(thinking) I love you. Chandler and Monica's bathroom. Both are sitting on opposite ends of the bathtub. MonicaIt's nice to do this together, isn't it?
ChandlerYeah. And what you're doing feels so good.
MonicaI'm not touching you.
MonicaIt's the salts.
ChandlerOh, sweet Lord. New realms of pleasure!
Monica(To herself) Whatever keeps you off the balcony, big guy!

Written by Vanessa McCarthy; Transcribed by Eric Aasen, with additional material by Keith Owen; With Help From Dan Gottleib; Annotated by ncp