The Hallway, Phoebe walks up to and knocks on Chandler and Monica's door. Monica(opens the door wearing a robe, but leaves the chain on) Hey, What's up?
PhoebeWell, I left my guitar here again.
MonicaOh, ok. No problem.
PhoebeOk. (Monica closes the door, gets the guitar, and then hands it out.)
MonicaOk.
PhoebeOh.
MonicaHere you go.
PhoebeOk.
MonicaOk.
PhoebeUmm...(Monica closes the door again and Phoebe knocks again.)
MonicaWhat?!
PhoebeSo do you wanna hang out or something?
MonicaPhoebe! You-you kinda caught me at a bad time.
PhoebeOh are you and Chandler...
MonicaYes! Exactly.
PhoebeOk. Do you guys want me to play for you?
Monica(laughs) No. (Closes the door as Chandler walks up.)
ChandlerHey, Pheebs, what's up?
PhoebeYou asked an intriguing question Chandler Bing.
(Chandler lets her into the apartment and reveals that Monica is getting a massage from another woman.)
PhoebeOh! Oh my God! You're getting a massage! You never let me massage you!
MonicaPhoebe, I can explain! You see..... God! I gotta get better at lying.
PhoebeYou told me you hate massages!
ChandlerBuy stamps, pick up dry cleaning...Don't let Phoebe in.
PhoebeI can't believe this! How long has this been going on?
MonicaWell umm, Alexandra has...
PhoebeOh, it has a name?
MonicaPhoebe, don't get upset!
PhoebeOk-Oop! Too late! I'm leaving! Come on Chandler let's go! (She storms out.)
ChandlerWell, Phoebe I thought I'd-(Off Phoebe's look)-Yeah, what the hell. (Exits with Phoebe.) Joey's Bedroom, Joey is having a dream about Rachel giving birth with him as the father. JoeyOh ok, ok! Come on, one more push! One more push! Come on honey, we're almost there! We're almost there!
RachelOh Joey, I'm so happy things worked out for us that we're having this baby together. I love you so much.
JoeyOh, I love you too.
RachelAnd I hope it's not an inappropriate time to say this but, you're the best sex I ever had.
JoeyThat's always appropriate! (Back to the matter at hand) Oh, ok ok. Come on, one more push! One more push!
(Finally, the baby is delivered and starts crying.)
DoctorOh, here is your beautiful baby. Congratulations!
(She hands the baby to Joey who pulls down the blanket to reveal Ross's face where the baby's should be.)
Ross(crying) I hope you're a better father than you're a friend! (Cries again and Joey wakes up in horror.)
Rachel(bursts into the room) Joey! Joey!
JoeyWhat? What? What's going on?
RachelCome feel this! Come feel my belly!
JoeyAaaah...
RachelJoey! The baby is kicking for the first time! Will you please come and feel this?!
JoeyReally?!
RachelYes!
(Joey starts to get up but stops.)
JoeyOh, you-you know what? Maybe uh, you...maybe you should come to me. I'm a not, I'm not wearing any bottoms.
RachelOh, ok! (She goes over to him and he feels her belly.)
JoeyOh my, oh my God!
RachelAw, it's unbelievable! Wow! She is kicking so much! Oh, she's like umm...oh...who's that kind of annoying girl soccer player?
JoeyMia Hamm?
RachelMia Hamm!
JoeyOh that's amazing. (Drops the sheet.)
Rachel(looking down) Oh-oh!! One hand on the sheet Joe!
JoeyWhoa-hey-oh! Sorry! Monica and Chandler's, Monica has opened another wedding present as Chandler enters. ChandlerHey babe.
MonicaHi honey. So we just got a wedding gift from Bob and Faye Bing; they don't like us do they? (They gave them a polka-dotted punch bowl.)
ChandlerWho says you can't get a nice punch bowl for under six bucks? Maybe we can take it back?
MonicaNo, it doesn't say where it came from. Where would we return it?
ChandlerHow about to the street say from the balcony?
MonicaWe can't do that. What if they come by for a visit?
ChandlerLet's cross that bridge when my aunt and uncle who I haven't seen in 15 years drop by unexpectedly and demand a gigantic bowl of punch.
MonicaWhy don't we just find a place for it?
ChandlerHow about in that cabinet?
MonicaNo! That's where we keep the canned goods! Have you completely forgotten everything you learned at orientation?
ChandlerHow about the closet by the bathroom? (The secret green door by the bathroom.)
MonicaOh, ok. Here, why don't you let me do it?
ChandlerOh no-no-no, I will do it. Honey, you have to learn to sit down and relax and let your husband take care of things once in a while. (Tries the door.) It's locked, you have to help me. Why is it locked?
MonicaNo reason. I-I keep private things in there.
ChandlerOh you know, I've been living here for a while and I've never seen what's inside that closet. What is, what is in there?
MonicaFeminine stuff.
ChandlerDon't try to make me uncomfortable with feminine stuff!
MonicaChandler, there is nothing in there that concerns you! If you love me you'll just-you'll let it go.
ChandlerFine.
MonicaThank you! (He tries the door again and Monica glares at him.)
Chandler(walking casually away) Love you.
Phoebe(entering) Hello Chandler, lovely day, huh? (To Monica) You!
ChandlerPhoebe, if it helps Alexandra's only been massaging Monica for like three years. (Phoebe rolls her eyes and walks away and Monica glares at him.) If! I said, "If it helps!" (Goes to the bedroom.)
PhoebeWhy won't you let me massage you?
MonicaWell it's...I mean I was just-I'd be self-conscious. You're my friend; I'd be naked.
PhoebeMonica! We lived together for years! I've seen you naked!
MonicaThat's different, we were roommates! And when?!
PhoebeI'm curious about the human body.
MonicaHey, come on Phoebe, you can understand why this would be weird for me.
PhoebeBut I'm a professional! And I'm really good! Look, if you're uncomfortable we can stop. Just give me a chance, ok. Please?
MonicaOk, if it means that much to you...
PhoebeIt does! How would you feel if you couldn't share your cooking? Or-or imagine how Ross would feel if he couldn't teach us about dragons.
MonicaDinosaurs.
PhoebePotato, potaato. Central Perk, Joey and Rachel are there as Ross enters. RossHey!
JoeyHey! Ross! The baby is kicking!
RossWhat?! It is?! (He tries to quickly remove his gloves, but runs into trouble and finally throws them off of his hands like a hockey player in a fight and grabs Rachel's belly.)
RachelIt's not kicking right now. Although we would love to see you do (Mimics him) that again.
RossHey, when-when was it kicking? What happened?
RachelLast night! I just felt it and I went into Joey's room and he was sleeping...
JoeyA dreamless sleep.
RossMy God, the baby's kicking. That's great. Although I...kinda wish I-I would've been there to feel the kicking for the first time you know.
JoeyWell I got stuff going on in here (Rubbing his belly) if you wanna feel.
RossI'll pass, but you look radiant.
RossLook, I-I don't wanna miss anymore baby stuff. So...Here. Here's my new pager number, ok? Anytime anything pregnancy related happens, use it! I'll be there! Ok? I don't care if it's three in the morning and and all you want is some ice cream.
JoeyWow! Can I get a copy of that? Phoebe's Apartment, Monica is lying on the massage table waiting for Phoebe. Phoebe(calling from her room) Are you under the sheet?
MonicaYes.
(Phoebe turns on some music and grabs some oil.)
Phoebe(in a soothing voice) Great, let's begin. (She starts the massage.) How's the pressure?
MonicaOh, it's nice! Wow Phoebe you are good!
PhoebeStating the obvious, but thank you. And it's not weird, is it.
MonicaNo. Ooohh...
PhoebeThat's right, you just enjoy.
Monica(in a sexy voice) Oh. Oh yeah! Ohhhhh! Ohh! Oh yeah!
Phoebe(getting uncomfortable) Ok.
MonicaOh God, Phoebe! (Phoebe covers one ear.) Oh that's it! That's it! Right there! Oh! (Tries to cover the other ear.) Ooooh-oooh-ooooh... (Covers both ears and continues the massage with her elbows.) Monica and Chandler's, Chandler has a box of keys and is trying them on the secret closet when someone enters. ChandlerI wasn't trying to open your closet! I wasn't trying to open your closet! I swear! (Running into the kitchen and sees its Joey.)
JoeyWhoa, Monica runs a pretty tight ship around here doesn't she. What're you doing?
ChandlerMonica has a secret closet and she won't let me see what's in it.
JoeyWhy not?
ChandlerI don't know! What could she possibly be hiding in here that I can't see?!
JoeyI don't know. Ooh, I bet it's Richard.
ChandlerWhat?
JoeyBefore you say I'm wrong, let me ask you something: when was the last time you saw him?
ChandlerWhy would Monica be keeping Richard in here?
JoeyWell off the top of my head uhh, maybe she's having her cake and eating it too. You being the cake and Richard being the too.
ChandlerThat was off the top of your head?
JoeyYeah. Or!
ChandlerAnd here we go...
JoeyI saw this movie once where there was a door and nobody knew what was behind it, and when they finally got it open millions and millions and millions of bugs came pouring out and they feasted on human flesh. You know it wouldn't kill you to respect your wife's privacy! (He walks away and into his apartment and looks the door.) Stupid closet full of bugs!
RachelJoey. Joey, something feels weird and not good weird. I don't-Whoa! (Winces in pain.)
JoeyOh hey whoa-whoa, do not worry. Ok. When my sisters were pregnant they got every weird feeling in the book, it was always nothing.
RachelReally?
JoeyAbsolutely. But, we're gonna stop by the hospital just to be sure, ok? I'll page Ross on the way. Come on.
RachelOk. Oh God-Ow!-Oo!
JoeyOk Rach-Rach-Rach look at me, look at me, everything's gonna be fine, trust me. Ok. Come on, take my hand. Here we go. (Rachel grabs his hand.) Oww crushing bones! Ok, good thing we're going to a hospital. Open it (the door) open it, Watch your feet, there's bug everywhere. The Hospital, Joey is in the waiting room as Rachel comes back out with the doctor. JoeyHey! So?
DoctorShe's fine. She's experiencing Braxton-Hicks contractions, mild discomfort caused by contractions in the uterine wall.
RachelHmm, mild discomfort. So I take it you've had one of these Braxton thingies?
JoeySo, so but everything is normal?
DoctorAbsolutely.
JoeyAnd-and there's no danger to her or-or the baby?
DoctorNo-no. Contractions can be unnerving if you don't know what they are, but she's fine.
RachelThank you doctor. (The doctor exits.) (To Joey) Oh, thank you for being so nice and calm.
JoeyCalm?! I wasn't calm! I've never been more scared in my entire life!
RachelBut wait you said everything was gonna be ok.
JoeyWell what do I know?! I'm not a doctor!
RachelBut I-But everything is ok. I'm fine!
JoeyYou sure?!
RachelYes! Yes! I got half a mind to contract that doctor's uterus though. Mild discomfort, what's he talking about?
Joey(seeing Ross) Oh hey-hey!
Ross(rushes in) Is everything ok?
RachelYeah, everything's fine!
RossWhat- your-your page said come to the hospital, what? What was it? What happened?
JoeySomething called Braxton-Hicks contractions.
RossOh. Oh. Thank God, That's no big deal, most women don't even feel them.
RachelOk, no uterus, no opinion.
JoeyHey uh, what's with the candy?
RossOh when you beeped me I was on line at the concession stand at the movie theater.
RachelOh you went to the movies by yourself?
RossNo -Mona!
RachelOh, I gotta go back in there.
RossWhat? Why? What's wrong?
RachelNo, everything's fine. I just gotta go back...
RossNo really, you tell me what's up.
RachelI-I forgot my underwear. (Ross lets her go.)
Ross(To Joey) So, thanks so much for-for bringing her to the hospital.
JoeyOh hey, don't worry about it man. Don't worry about it, no big deal.
RossYeah but still, I mean it should've been me. I'm the dad.
Doctor(To Joey) Uh, if you have any questions, here's some information on Braxton-Hicks. (Hands Joey a pamphlet.) Oh and by the way, you did the right thing by bringing her in. You're gonna make a wonderful father.
JoeyOh uh, hey. Not as good as this guy! (Grabs Ross around the shoulders.) He brought Twizzlers! Monica and Chandler's, Joey and Chandler are still working on the door. ChandlerThere's got to be a way!
JoeyEasy there Captain Kirk. Oh, do you have a bobby pin?
ChandlerYeah. (Checks his hair.) Oh no wait, I'm not an nine-year-old girl.
JoeyThen why do you throw like one?
ChandlerMaybe Monica has a bobby pin.
JoeySure. "Monica."
ChandlerSo, how's the hideously inappropriate crush on Rachel coming?
JoeyUh, really good. Really good. Yeah, I should be ready to kill myself any day now. (Chandler returns with a bobby pin and hands it to Joey.) Wow, you sure found that quick. (He tries the pin in the lock.) I just-I wish I didn't feel this way about Rachel anymore, you know? I wish things could go back to normal. I mean, I love living with her and God, helping out with the baby is just amazing, but now I think...I think Ross feels left out. You know? When I had to take Rachel to the hospital, the doctor thought I was the father. God... You should've seen the look on Ross's face. (Pause) By the way, I have no idea what I'm doing here. For all I know I'm just locking it more. Oh hey, did you try opening it with a credit card?
ChandlerThat's a good idea.
JoeyYeah.
ChandlerOk. (They switch places and Chandler gets out a credit card.) So uh, Ross is kinda bummed huh?
JoeyOh, I just...I feel terrible.
ChandlerWell, it's not your fault. What're you gonna do? Not take her to the hospital? You know? You're doing nothing wrong. (Pause) Except for harboring an all-consuming love for the woman who's carrying his baby.
JoeyWell, there is that.
(Chandler loses his card behind the door.)
ChandlerRichard? If-if you're in there, could you pass me my credit card? Central Perk, Phoebe is on the couch as Monica enters. MonicaHey.
PhoebeHey.
MonicaI gotta tell you, yesterday was amazing. That massage felt so good!
PhoebeNo-no, I-I got that.
MonicaSo umm, what do you say we make it a weekly appointment?
PhoebeOk. Ok well you should know though, I've raised my rates to $200 an hour.
MonicaOh, ok.
PhoebeI mean 500.
MonicaWhat?
Phoebe600.
MonicaWhat's going on?
PhoebeOh, you make sex noises when you get massaged!
MonicaWhat? (Laughs.)
PhoebeYeah, and it really freaked me out! And after a while I even tried to hurt you and it just spurred you on.
MonicaWhat?! You're crazy! There's nothing sexual about the noises I make!
PhoebeReally? There's nothing sexual about this? (Sexily) Oooh. Oh God! Ohh. Ohhhh. Ohh. (Some cute guy is watching closely.) (To him) What're you looking at?! (Pause) I mean hi.
MonicaOh, that's why Alexandra wears earplugs when she gives me a massage. It's not because she hates Enya! Oh my-This is so embarrassing. Oh my God, I'm-I'm never gonna get massaged again!
PhoebeNo, you can't let this stop you from getting massages! No look, I have, I have lots of clients that make the same noises you do!
MonicaReally?!
PhoebeWell not clients, lovers. Let's just you know, try it again. Come back and-and we'll work through it.
MonicaAre you sure?
PhoebeYes.
MonicaI guess.
PhoebeGreat! Ok, now, just, if you'll just excuse me. (To the guy) So, did you hear something you liked? Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is balancing an aluminum can on her stomach as Ross enters. RachelHey Ross! Check it out! I learned a new trick! Huh?
RossYou know, if you stick one hand down your pants, you're the spitting image of Joey. Hey uh, I brought you some lunch.
RachelOhh! That's so sweet of you! Oh yum! (Takes a bite out of the sandwich and starts to get sick.) Did you put pickles on this?
RossWell yeah!
RachelOh Ross! (Runs to the bathroom and closes the door.)
RossWhat?! What?! Rach what?!
JoeyWhat's going on?
RossI made her favorite, tuna salad with pickle.
JoeyPickle? Pickle makes her sick. Giving her pickle's like giving me salad.
Ross(to Rachel) I-I'm sorry Rach, I didn't know. Are you gonna be ok?
RachelYeah, I'll be fine. But can someone please make sure that sandwich is gone when I get out there?
JoeyI'm on it! (Takes a bite out of the sandwich.)
RossI can't believe this! I shouldn't be the one making her throw up!
JoeyDude relax! Ross, it could happen to anyone.
RossYeah? Not to you, 'cause you know this stuff. I don't know any of it, I'm the father. I just, I wish I'd be more involved you know.
Rachel(entering) Well, if anyone is keeping score, I no longer eat tuna.
JoeyHey uh, can I, can I talk to you guys for a second?
RossYeah.
RachelWhat's up?
JoeyUh, sit down. I wanna talk about our situation.
Rachel(Gasps) Are you breaking up with us?
JoeyThe thing is...because I live with Rachel I'm here for a lot of the stuff, ok? (To Rachel) And Ross...Ross is missing everything. So...
RachelYeah?
JoeyMaybe you two should live together.
RachelAre you asking me to move out? Do you not want me here?
JoeyOh no-no, no-no, I love living with you. It just seems that...if you're gonna have a roommate, you know, it might as well be the father.
RachelBut Joey, I don't think Ross wants me to move into his apartment and disrupthis life like that. I mean-(Ross turns to her with wishful eyes.)-Or he does.
RossNo I-I-I would love to be around for you and the baby. And we-we can just try it like on a temporary basis.
RachelBut Ross, it's you and me!
RossSo? Sure! But it-it wouldn't be anything romantic. And I'm-I'm dating Mona-Damn it Mona! I was supposed to meet her like an hour ago! What is wrong with me?!
JoeyAll right now, so? What'd you think?
RachelLiving with the father of the baby is a little conventional for us.
RossHey, hey, you always have liked my building. And... there's more room, I mean, you could have a closet deicated to shoes.
RachelOh, you do know your audience. I don't know. Is it crazy?
RossNo! No, it's not. Joey, this is a smart idea.
JoeyWell, I was due.
RachelOk, let's do it. I'll move in.
RossReally?
RachelYeah.
RossUh, Rach, that's great. That's great. (They hug and Joey breathes a sigh of relief.) And-and you know what, don't worry about any of the moving, I'll take care of everything. In fact, I'll start right now (starts to take his jacket off.)
JoeyRoss, Ross. Mona?
RossUnbelievable. (leaves) Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is pounding out the hinge pins on the closet door to get it open. ChandlerNot too shabby, I got this all off myself...using my wife's tools. (He takes the door off the frame and we finally get to see what's behind the green door! It is stacked, floor to ceiling, with junk.) Oh my God!
Monica(entering) (Gasps) How did you get in there?!
Chandler(laughs) You're messy.
MonicaNo! You weren't supposed to see this!
ChandlerI'm married Fred Sanford!
MonicaNo Chandler, you don't understand! You know how I organise everything? Right, ok well this is all of the stuff that doesn't fit into any category. So, so you see, I'm not messy, I'm just so organised that... (Chandler starts singing the theme for Sanford and Son, an old TV show starring Redd Fox.) Ok! Ok! Ok! Fine! Now you know. Ok? I'm you know...I'm sick.
ChandlerNo, honey, you're not sick! Look, I don't love you because you're organized, I love you in spite of that.
MonicaReally? You promise you won't tell anyone?
ChandlerYes! And look, now that I know if I got some extra stuff lying around can we, can we share the closet?
MonicaOh. Well...it's just umm...I'm afraid you might mess it up. Joey and Rachel's, Joey is drinking a gallon of orange juice as Chandler enters. ChandlerHey.
JoeyHey.
ChandlerSo, Rachel's all moved out huh? How are you taking it?
JoeyWell uh, I wanted to have a few beers, but uh, I got rid of those 'cause Rachel couldn't stand the smell of them. So. I have thrown back a lot of orange juice with calcium though. And uh, it's a couple weeks past its expiration date, so it's got a bit of a kick.
ChandlerAre you ok?
JoeyYou kidding me? Yeah, I'm great! Yeah, I'm uh; I'm better than great. I am good. And now that she's gone, I can uh, I can do all this stuff around here that I couldn't do before. You know? Like umm, I can walk around naked again. You know? I can uh, I can watch porn in the living room. This is uh, this is good for me. You know? I like being on my own, I'm uh, better off this way. I'm uh, a lone wolf. You know? A loner. Alone. All alone. Forever. What's a wolf gotta do to get a hug around here?! (Chandler rushes over and hugs him.) Phoebe's Apartment, Phoebe is giving Monica another massage. MonicaOhhh.
PhoebeThat's it. Just relax.
MonicaOhh. Oh! Ohh!
PhoebeCome on more!
MonicaOh God!
PhoebeYeah, you like that don't you?
MonicaOh, yeah, right there!
PhoebeYou want it there? You take it there baby!
MonicaUh, Phoebe?
PhoebeYeah, say my name. Say it! (She stops when she realizes what she's doing.) And now I'm going to cover you back up, and umm won't be speaking with you for several weeks.

Written by Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones; Transcribed by Eric Aasen, with additional material by Keith Owen; Annotated by ncp