Central Perk. Rachel is getting a cup of coffee as Joey and Phoebe enter and sit down. PhoebeOh! Hey, Rach!
RachelHi! Hey, Happy Valentine's Day!
PhoebeOh, you too.
JoeyHey, so, uh, how's it going living over at Ross's?
RachelIt's good. Except he makes us watch the Discovery Channel all day long. Did you know that something really boring happened to someone really ugly in the Middle Ages? (to the waitress handing her a cup of coffee) Oh, thank you. I'll see you guys later.
PhoebeOk.
JoeyBye.
(Rachel exits with coffee)
JoeyThere's one lucky to go cup of coffee.
Phoebe(sighs) Honey, I wish you would get over her. I hate seeing you like this. Is there anything I can do for you? Do you wanna look down my top?
JoeyThanks. Maybe later.
PhoebeOh, Gunther, can I get a scone?
Gunther(to Joey) You want anything?
JoeyYou know what I want? I want a lot of things! I wanna be with the woman I love on Valentine's Day! And I want her to love me back! And I want just one moment of relief from the gut-wrenching pain of knowing that that's never gonna happen!
GuntherWe have red bagels.
Joey(happily) Ok. Monica and Chandler's. Phoebe, Ross, Monica and Rachel are on the couch talking. MonicaSo how do you guys like living together so far?
RossAh, it's been good.
RachelYeah. Except Ross is more uptight about crumbs than you are.
RossThere was a drumstick in the couch.
MonicaAnd I am not uptight about crumbs. It's just that, you know, crumbs attract mice and mice leave droppings and that's how the plague started. So... wanna relive that again.
RachelMice didn't start the plague, rats did. Rattus Norvegicus to be exact. (realises what she just said) Oh good God Ross. Nick at Nite, once in a while. All right, I'm going. Bye. [What is the difference between a Mouse and a Rat?]
MonicaOh Phoebe, will you wait here, I wanna get your opinion on something.
PhoebeYeah.
(Rachel leaves and Monica goes into her bedroom)
PhoebeSo, Ross, how does Mona feel about you two living together?
RossOh, I'm actually on my way to tell her right now. Yeah, she's been away all week visiting her parents, but she'll be cool. I mean, she's been so supportive. She-she even got the baby a tiny T-shirt that says, 'Fossils are my friends.'
PhoebeUgh. Come on, Mona, don't kiss ass.
RossSo, I'm gonna take off.
PhoebeAll right. Oh! Shoot! Oh shoot! Uh, Rachel wanted to see this tape!
RossWhat is it?
PhoebeIt's a video of my friend giving birth. Could you just bring it back to your apartment?
RossAll right. (reading the label) 'Candy and Cookie?'
PhoebeYeah. Candy's the mother, Cookie's the daughter. The father's name is also Cookie. Why am I friends with these people?
Monica(entering with something behind her back) Phoebe, come here. I wanna show you something in the bathroom.
PhoebeOh, Monica, grow up!
RossHey, what you got behind your back?
MonicaNothing. Just something I wanna get Phoebe's opinion on for Valentine's Day.
RossYou don't want my opinion?
MonicaNot really.
RossCome on, I-I'm your older brother, ask me!
MonicaOh, ok, big brother. Uhm (holds up two revealing articles of clothing) Which of these do you think would make your little sister look hotter, so your best friend would wanna do her?
Ross(quietly) The red one. Joey's. Joey is sitting at the counter eating a pizza. Phoebe(knocking and entering) Hey. Look, I know you've been really depressed lately, so I brought someone over to cheer you up. Right outside this door is a real, live, furry playmate.
JoeyNo, I'm not sleeping with your friend Jane again.
(Phoebe goes into the hall and brings a dog inside.)
PhoebeHe-hee!
JoeyHey! A dog! Hi! Who, you gotta admit, looks a lot like Jane.
PhoebeThis is the happiest dog in the world. I borrowed him from my friend Wendy. So, you can keep him till he cheers you up. And he will cheer you up! I borrowed him myself from time to time when I get really depressed thinking about you know, world hunger, poverty... not-not to trivialise your pain.
JoeyThanks so much, Pheebs! (to the dog) We are gonna have so much fun, yes we are! (the dog sticks his head between Joey's legs) Oh! Not that kind of fun. Monica and Chandler's. Chandler enters with a bouquet of roses. ChandlerHappy Valentine's!
Monica(from her bedroom) Ok! I'll be right out. I'm slipping into something a little less comfortable, and a little more slutty.
Chandler(picking up a video from the table) 'Candy and Cookie'. 'Candy and Cookie?' Monica got me porn?! Girl-on-girl porn?! She really must love me! (Chandler runs over to the TV, puts the tape in, and sits down to enjoy some "porn")
(A woman on TV breaths hard)
Man on TVYeah, just relax.
ChandlerI love you, St. Valentine.
(The woman groans, moans, grunts, and screams. Chandler's eyes get huge!)
ChandlerWoah, woah, that's not pretty!
Man on TVNow, push!
Woman on TVOw! Ow! Ooh! That hurts!
ChandlerWorst porn ever! Worst porn ever! (Chandler starts to press buttons on the remote control, frantically.)
Woman on TVOhhh! Make it stop!
ChandlerI am trying! Joey's. Joey is playing fetch with the dog. JoeyGet the ball, ready? Get the ball, get the ball! (Joey pretends to throw it, but really doesn't, and the dog goes running off.) Well, you're cute, but you're not too smart!
(The dog returns with a ball that looks exactly like the same one Joey has.)
Joey(looking at the ball the dog brought back) Did I just throw this?
Rachel(entering) Hi.
JoeyHi.
RachelI accidentally packed these with my stuff. (looks at the dog and gasps) Who is this?
JoeyOh, that's, uh, that's Phoebe's friend's dog. Yeah. I don't know what his real name is, but I call him Mozzarella.
Rachel(talking with a higher voice, and puckered lips...kind of like you do to a baby or...well...a puppy...it's hard to explain. Just use your imagination.) Oh, well, you are so cute! I wish I could play with you more, but I've gotta go to work! I always- I'm talking like this before my marketing meeting, yes I do. Yes I do. (still talking like that) Bye-bye, Joey. Oh, I seriously can't stop it. (exits)
Joey(to the dog) Come here. Hey. Hey. That's Rachel. She's the one who used to live here. Might as well be honest with you-we love her. But we can't have her. Em. I really miss her. Well, hey, you understand, right? You're a guy. (thinks about it and picks up the dog and looks) Well, you used to be. Monica and Chandler's. Chandler is sitting on the couch staring at the tape on the coffee table with his eyes huge and his mouth wide open. Monica(entering from her bedroom) So what do you think? (referring to her outfit)
(Chandler glances up at Monica with his mouth still wide open and his eyes still huge)
Monica(to herself) I've still got it!
Chandler(pointing at the video) Why did you get me this?
MonicaWhat is it?
ChandlerIt's yelling...bleeding...dilating. Oh, the dilating...
MonicaIs this the video of the baby being born? Sweetie, this is Phoebe's. Why were you even watching it?
ChandlerI thought...maybe...you got me porn for Valentine's Day.
MonicaChandler, if you thought I was gonna get you porn for Valentine's Day... (pulls a video out of a basket) you were right! Apparently, it's-it's about a young girl who moves to the big city, you know, in search of stardom, but ends up having sex with a lot of guys! Yeah, it got four stars! (looks closer) Oh, wait a minute. Those aren't stars. Anyway, you wanna take a look?
ChandlerWell, I'm not really in a sexy mood right now.
MonicaHey, what's going on?
ChandlerWell, remember the first time we saw Jaws?
MonicaMm-hmm.
ChandlerHow long it took to go back in the water?
MonicaChandler, we can't let this tape wreck Valentine's Day! I mean you gotta get past it. Just get back on the horse. Otherwise the horse is gonna go into the bedroom and change into her sweatpants.
ChandlerOk, you don't know. You didn't see it.
MonicaChild-birth, it's-it's a natural thing! It's beautiful.
ChandlerOh, beau-beautiful? Really? Hmm? Really? You think this is beautiful? (picks up the remote and presses a button, and he immediately makes a face that just looks like he's going to throw up.)
MonicaOh! Oh, my God! No wonder my mother hates me!
ChandlerSee, honey, there's-(puts his hand on her leg)
MonicaDon't touch me! Central Perk. Ross is sitting on the couch reading a magazine as Mona enters. MonaHi!
RossHey! (they hug) So, how was Atlantic City?
MonaGood.
RossYeah?
MonaI brought you back a present.
RossWha-? Oh, come on. You didn't have to-saltwater taffy?! (Mona laughs) Thanks! You know, it's interesting, most people think this is made with sea water, but it's actually made with, uh, salted fresh water. That's not interesting.
MonaI think it's interesting.
RossI do too! I missed you!
MonaOh, me too! So, how was your week?
RossOh, it was good! Actually, the baby started kicking!
MonaHow exciting!
RossYeah! I know! Aw, it was amazing. Oh... the only sad thing is I wasn't around when it happened for the first time.
MonaOh no.
RossYeah no, I-I was missing out on all this other stuff, too. So, Joey suggested Rachel move in with me.
Mona(laughing) Yeah right!
RossWhat?
MonaJoey cracks me up! It's like, 'Yeah, why don't you have your ex-wife move in with you? That wouldn't be awkward at all!' (she laughs again)
Ross(not amused) Huh...uh-huh.
MonaHey, could you imagine. I go away for a few days, I come back, and my boyfriend is living with some woman he got pregnant! (Mona laughs again.)
(Ross fake laughs, obviously not finding this funny, and he's starting to panic, so he shoves the whole saltwater taffy he's eating in his mouth)
MonaSo, what'd you tell him?
Ross(with his mouth full) Hmmmmm (he turns his head and starts to break down) Central Perk. Ross and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. PhoebeHow could you not tell Mona that Rachel is living with you?
RossI don't know, she seemed to think it was such a crazy idea! You know, plus, she, uh, she got me taffy!
PhoebeTaffy, really? I've never had any.
RossEver?!
PhoebeWell, I think my mother was too busy planning her suicide to provide saltwater treats. (Ross hands her one) Thank you! So what, you're just never gonna tell her?
RossOh, no, no, no, I will! I just wanna butter her up first. You know, I'm gonna take her to an amazing Valentine's dinner. Do all this romantic stuff, and then, just when she thinks I'm the best boyfriend in the world, then I'm gonna tell her that my pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with me.
PhoebeIf I haven't said it before: she's a lucky, lucky lady! So, where are you gonna-what the mother of crap is up with this stuff? (Referring to the taffy, which she's been chewing this whole time.) Oh, God. Is it gum, is it food? What-what's the deal? (she swallows it, finally) Oh, it's nice! May I try a pink one?
RossSo, I just have to plan the perfect night. Hey, what's-what's the best date you ever had?
PhoebeEm. Last year, Greg Hayman took me to a very nice sushi dinner, then we took a romantic walk to a nearby research lab, where we trashed the place and freed 20 monkeys.
RossI knew it! I knew I wasn't crazy! Last year a monkey did attack me at the bus stop. Joey's. Joey is laying on his recliner, depressed, and the dog is laying on the footrest. JoeySo, between her and me being friends, and her history with Ross, it just isn't gonna happen. It'd be like you falling in love with a cat.
Phoebe(entering) Hey!
JoeyHey.
PhoebeHey, buddy. How's my favorite dog, huh? How's my favorite dog? (the dog doesn't move) You're subdued. (to Joey) Did you give him a beer?
JoeyNo.
PhoebeWill you excuse us, we need to talk for a moment.
JoeyYeah, sure. Go. (pause) Oh, me, right!
(Joey follows Phoebe into the kitchen)
PhoebeHe's miserable! What happened to him?
JoeyNothing. We just talked about stuff.
PhoebeWhat stuff?
JoeyRachel stuff.
PhoebeOh...Joey, you bummed him out! This's the happiest dog in the world, and he spends half a day with you, and look at him!
JoeyHe's breathing!
PhoebeOk, he's watching us, so just look happy, ok? (she smiles and waves at the dog, then laughs. Joey joins in half-heartedly)
PhoebeOk, I'm gonna take him back to Wendy's.
JoeyNo, no, no, no! He's fine! Now-hey-look, look, look! (picks up the ball) Here's your ball! Get the ball! Get your ball! (he throws the ball and it bounces right next to the dog) Get your ball! Get your ball! Get- Of course, you don't want a tennis ball, not when you can have, a meatball (picks a meatball off the counter) Huh? Come on, come on, get the meatball (he throws the meatball under the chair, the dog still doesn't move) My God, what have I done to you, huh? I broke the dog! Pheebs, I broke the dog! (He picks the meatball off the floor. Phoebe hands him a tissue) Thanks. (He puts the meatball in his mouth and wipes his hands on the tissue. At this, the dog covers his eyes.) Ross and Rachel's. Rachel is reading on the couch as Ross enters. RossWell, I'm, uh, going to pick up Mona. What've you got going tonight?
RachelOh, I got big Valentine's plans! I got my Chinese food on the way, and the rest of your saltwater taffy!
RossYou know, it's interesting. Most people think that's made with seawater, when in fact-
RachelRoss, we actually watched the documentary together.
(There is a knock on the door.)
RachelOoh! My Chinese food! Let me get my cash! (runs to her room to get her money)
Ross(opening the door to see Mona standing there) Mona? What are-hi! Wh-what're you doing here? I'm, um, supposed to pick you up!
MonaChange of plans, I made you a special Valentine's dinner! Surprise!
Ross(he makes some really weird noise hear that sounds kind of like...) Ayyyayyyy!
Rachel(entering) Oh, hey, Mona!
MonaHi! Hi. Hi, Rachel! (to Ross) What's she doing here?
RossI've no idea!
RachelI'll be watching TV if anybody needs me. (exits to her room)
MonaSeriously, what is she doing?
RossUh...you know lately, she just likes hanging out here.
MonaWhy?
RossI think she's lonely.
MonaOk, but it's Valentine's Day!
RossI know.
MonaCan't we just ask her to go?
RossNo, no. She's way too emotional. And by emotional I mean crazy.
(Doorbell rings)
RachelI'm not here! That's just my Chinese food!
MonaOh, my God! She has food delivered here?
RossMm-hmm. Yes, she's-she's emotional, but, but ballsy.
RachelYou know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get in my sweats, and eat this in bed! (exits)
RossAnd you thought she was gonna be in our way! So, ok, why don't you, uh, open the champagne, and I'll be right back. I've got a surprise for you.
MonaYou got another ex-wife back there?
Ross(fakes a laugh) Please start drinking! (exits)
Rachel(entering) Just gonna grab the phone...
MonaOh, Rachel! Wait! Hey, um I-I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but, but, um... what're you doing?
RachelOh, I'm sorry! Do you need the phone?
MonaNo, no. Listen, Ross is too nice to say anything, but this is his apartment, and, and, we-we gotta have some boundaries, so, so why don't you just go back to your place and-and give us some privacy?
Rachel(as Ross enters with a present) But, Mona, I-I live here.
Ross(handing Mona the present) Happy Valentine's Day! ...Or, something to remember me by. Monica and Chandler's. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch still staring at the screen. MonicaHow long has it been this time?
Chandler90 seconds.
MonicaThat's better. 90 seconds is a long time not to think about it...except all I did was think about it.
ChandlerYou know, it haunts me? Up 'til now, the worst thing I ever saw, was my father doing tequila shots off the naked houseboy. After this, I would gladly make that my screensaver!
MonicaOk, well, we have to get past this! Why don't we just get rid of the tape and pretend it never existed?
ChandlerI can do that.
MonicaOk.
(Chandler takes the tape and sticks it under the chair cushion)
ChandlerOk. Now all we gotta do is get rid of this chair.
(Chandler crawls over to Monica and they move in to kiss, but they can't do it and back up. They move in to kiss again, and kiss very awkwardly for a second, until someone knocks on the door.)
MonicaOh, thank God!
ChandlerOh, I know!
MonicaCome in!
Rachel(entering) Hi! I'm so sorry to barge in on your Valentine's, but I had to get away from all the yelling. Mona is dumping Ross.
MonicaOh, my God.
ChandlerPoor Ross.
(Monica and Chandler both look at each other and run over to the window to watch the action in Ross' apartment)
ChandlerOh, great. We have to watch him do yoga in his underwear, but for this he closes the drapes!
MonicaRach, you know that birthing tape you wanted to see? It's here.
ChandlerOh, and we should warn you, before you watch it: don't watch it.
RachelWhy? You saw it? Is it scary?
ChandlerWell, let's just say it's ironic how footage of someone being born, can make you want to kill yourself.
MonicaHoney, uh, she may not have to watch it, but she's going to have to do it.
RachelWell, well now, wait. Now I'm all freaked out. Come on, you guys will watch it with me.
MonicaNo, but I will leave a sweater that smells like me right next to you!
RachelMonica, come on you wanna have kids.
MonicaI do! but, the stork is gonna bring mine.
RachelCome on, be seriously, you guys, you're not gonna make me watch this alone?!
MonicaShe's right...of course not. Honey, get the tape.
Chandler(with his arm all the way under the cushion, moving it around) This reminds me of a very specific part of the tape.
RachelOk, sure, but you leave a drumstick under there and you're a bad roommate.
(Chandler puts the tape in, and they all sit down)
ChandlerOk, here we go.
RachelOk. (watching the tape) Ooh, my! (Rachel jumps when the woman starts screaming) Woah! Why is that baby torturing that woman?!
ChandlerWhy have I seen this thing three times?!
MonicaIt's...still beautiful.
RachelUh! It's horrible!
MonicaI know! I know, I'm so sorry for you!
RachelOh my God! (Monica and Rachel both cover their eyes) What do I do, I don't wanna do this, how do I get out of it?
ChandlerNo no no, wait, you guy-you guys, look!
RachelWhat? What? Did her ass explode?!
ChandlerNo, the baby's out! Look, look!
MonicaOh, look at those little fingers and toes!
ChandlerAnd look how happy the mom is now!
MonicaOh...Rach!
RachelOh, screw you guys, you don't have to do it! Central Perk. Ross is getting coffee as Joey comes from some back area of Central Perk around the corner. JoeyHey.
RossHey, Wh-uh-
JoeyWhat's up?
RossUh...Mona just dumped me.
JoeyOh, man, I'm sorry. Why?
RossWell, with everything that's been going on lately, I haven't exactly been the perfect boyfriend. You know, I mean, I-I didn't tell her I got Rachel pregnant. Then I-I uh, I gave her a key to my apartment, and then had the locks changed! Then I lied to her, about Rachel moving in with me. In a way, I-I actually judge her for not breaking up with me sooner, you know?
JoeyStill, that really sucks, man. Just on Valentine's Day.
RossYeah. Wait a minute. What-what're you doing here? Joey Tribbiani without a date on Valentine's Day? What's going on, huh? Girl trouble?
JoeySort of. Yeah.
RossReally?!
JoeyYou don't have to seem so happy about it.
RossOh, sorry. Well, uh look, maybe, maybe I can help.
JoeyOh, I...I d-
RossHey-hey, whatever it is, I am sure it's happened to me. You-you know, actually once-once I got dumped during sex.
(Two girls sitting at a table next to them look up in disgust, and Ross and Joey move away)
RossSo anyway, uh, so wh-what is it?
JoeyForget about it. No big deal.
RossCome on! Joey! What is it?
JoeyIt's nothing.
RossHey, hey, it's me. Why can't you tell me?
JoeyOk, uh...sit down. (they do) Um... there's this woman that I like. A lot. But, uh...it can't happen.
RossShe's not a Tribbiani?
JoeyNo!
RossSo, uh, so was she, uh, someone from work?
JoeyYes.
RossWell, uh, does she like you?
JoeySometimes I think maybe she could. But it doesn't matter, because I can't do anything about it.
RossWhy not?
JoeyIt's complicated. Um, she's with this other guy, for a long time. Someone from work, too. And, I could never do that to the guy, you know? 'cause we're really good friends.
RossWell I-I thought you hated everyone at work.
JoeyNo, no, I-I only say that.... so that uh, Chandler won't feel threatened because I'm his only friend.
RossUh, uh, excuse me?
JoeySorry, sorry, and I'm your only friend too.
RossOk. So, uh, this-this guy, she used to go out with, is, uh... is he still in love with her?
JoeyNo. I don't think so.
RossOk. Um... is he a good guy?
JoeyYeah, he's the best.
RossThen talk to him! He might be fine with it.
JoeyOh, I-I don't know.
RossHey Joey, come on, it's worth finding out. I mean, if you really like her.
JoeyI do! So much! I can't stop thinking about her! I can't sleep, I-
RossOk, Joey, you know what? You-you have to go for it. How often does this happen to you, huh? You-you owe it to yourself.
Gunther(placing a cup in front of Ross) Here's your warm milk.
RossI'm-I'm gonna...uh...I'm gonna put the bourbon in it at home, you know.
JoeyYeah.
RossAnyway... seriously, just...just talk to the guy, ok? And let me know how it goes. (walks towards the door until...)
JoeyIt's Rachel.
(Ross just stands in the doorway, for like a minute...) Ross and Rachel's. Rachel is standing in front of the TV holding a video. Rachel(thinking) You're gonna have a baby, and you need to be prepared. And you're gonna make yourself watch the whole thing. Just do it! (Rachel puts the tape in the VCR)
Woman on TVI came to the big city to become a star! I'll do...anything to make that happen!
Man on TVAnything?
(Music starts playing...yes...you know what kind of music...)
Rachel(thinking) Hmm...maybe it starts with how she gets pregnant. I wonder which one of these guys becomes the father? No, no, can't get pregnant that way.

Written by Dana Klein Borkow; Transcribed by Dan Gottleib, with additional material by Keith Owen; Annotated by ncp