Phoebe (Lisa Kudrow)(voiceover) Previously on Friends: Central Perk, Joey is talking to Ross. JoeyThere's this woman, that I like. A lot. But, it's complicated. Um, She's with this other guy. For a long time. And I could never do that to the guy, you know? 'Cause we're really good friends.
RossSo, uh, this guy, she used to go out with, is he a good guy?
JoeyYeah, he's the best.
RossThen talk to him! He might be fine with it.
JoeyOh, I-I don't know.
RossHey Joey, come on, it's worth finding out. I mean, if you really like her.
JoeyI do! So much! I can't stop thinking about her! I can't sleep, I-
RossOk, Joey, you know what? You-you have to go for it. How often does this happen to you, huh? You-you owe it to yourself. (Walks towards the door until...)
JoeyIt's Rachel.
[Fade to Black, then fade in again with Ross stopped at the doorway.]
Ross(closes the door) Did you um-I'm sorry, did you just say it's Rachel?
JoeyYes.
RossUm, you...you like Rachel?
JoeyYes. I like Rachel.
RossRachel?!
Joey(startled) Yeah, ok but look, buy uh-Hey-hey, you know, you know who else I like? You! And it-it doesn't get said enough. I like you Ross.
RossR-R-Rachel-Rachel?!
JoeyYeah, but it's not a big deal.
RossIt's not a big deal? Oh, I'm sorry I just...um, I...what about all the stuff you-you just said? I mean how about, I like-you-you can't stop thinking about her. Like how you can't sleep?
JoeyI-I'm an actor, you know? As-as a group, we tend to be over-dramatic.
RossRachel who's carrying my baby? Rachel?
JoeyLook no, I-I know it's bad, and I know it's wrong. Ok? But-but it's-it's not like anything's ever gonna happen. You know? These-these are just feelings, they're gonna go away.
RossYou know what? I-I gotta go. (Starts to leave.)
JoeyOh come on Ross! Hey Ross-Ross don't...
Ross(stops) I just-you know-I-I just have one-Rachel?!
(He exits and starts to walk away, passes a window, stops, and says "Rachel?!" again. Joey sighs and turns around to face Gunther.)
GuntherRachel?! Central Perk, Rachel and Chandler are on the couch. RachelOh-oh! Ok, she's kicking!
ChandlerOh! (Puts his hand on her belly.) She's growing inside you.
RachelWhoa!
ChandlerOh! (Pulls his hand away.)
RachelWow that was a big one.
ChandlerI think that's the youngest girl ever to reject me.
Phoebe(entering) Oh hey you guys!
ChandlerOh hey!
RachelHi!
PhoebeHey listen, let me ask you, do you believe in soul mates?
RachelOh, yes I do. I do. I believe that there is one perfect person out there for everyone. And you know how you find him? You stop looking for him. That's why I stopped looking for Russell Crowe. He'll find me.
PhoebeUh-huh, uh-huh (To Chandler) and you?
ChandlerNo. I mean I believe that uh, certain people are more suited for each other and I believe in falling in love, but soul mates, I don't think they exist.
PhoebeOk, good.
ChandlerWhy?
PhoebeWell last night, I met Monica's.
ChandlerWhat?
PhoebeYeah, I-I had a date with this guy, and I swear to God, he is her other half.
ChandlerCome on, don't be crazy. (To Rachel) You don't think there's somebody out there better suited for Monica than me, do you? (Rachel looks at him.)
Rachel(To Phoebe) Well, what's he like?!
PhoebeWell he's tall.
RachelUh-huh.
PhoebeHe has brown hair.
RachelOf course, of course.
ChandlerA tall guy with hair similar to mine, oh unknowable universe!
PhoebeHe works with food!
RachelOh sure. Older?
PhoebeObviously, and he's British.
RachelOh, I was just gonna ask!
PhoebeYeah? And, he's-he's so centered and mature and confident.
RachelOh, it's so sad they never had a chance to meet.
ChandlerLuckily, the guy she settled for can't hear what you're talking about.
PhoebeOh, I'm so sorry. Um, and maybe I'm wrong! I- but you know I'm gonna go out with him again, I'll find out more.
ChandlerYou believe that, this guy is destined for somebody else and you're still gonna date him?
PhoebeWell, he may not be my soul mate, but a girl's gotta eat. Ross and Rachel's, Ross is reading the back of one of Joey's head shots. RossRachel?! I didn't know Joey was on JAG.
(There's a knock at the door. Ross is opens it to Monica.)
MonicaHey.
RossHey.
MonicaI just talked to Joey, I just-I wanna see how you were.
RossOh you know, I still-I can't believe it. Joey and Rachel? I mean it's... It's like you and me going out, only weirder!
MonicaAll right, I-I know you're hurting, and-and I wanna be supportive, but don't say that again.
RossOh my God! What if, what if they get married? Then he'd be the stepfather of my child.
MonicaHoney, I don't think that's something we need to worry about! First of all he's-he's never gonna tell her how he feels about her. And even if he did you have no idea how she would react.
RossSure, 'cause women never like Joey. You know, I think he's a virgin.
MonicaJoey...he's not even thinking about going after Rachel!
RossHe's not?
MonicaNo! All he's thinking about is how you're taking this! I mean, listen it's-it's completely freaking him out. He's talking about moving to Vermont.
RossWhy?
MonicaHe says he wants to leave the country. (Pause) He thinks you hate him.
RossHate him? I... No, I don't hate him. (Pause) It's just it's Rachel, you know?
MonicaHoney I can't even imagine how hard this must be for you. But, I don't want you to lose Joey over it. And right now he just needs to know that you're still his friend.
RossOk. Ok, I'll talk to him.
MonicaOk. And do it soon, he just asked me how he can convert his dollars into Vermont money. Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are on the couch as Phoebe enters with Monica's soul mate. PhoebeOh! Hi!
MonicaHi!
PhoebeUmm, Chandler, Monica, this is Don.
DonOh, hello. (Shakes Chandler's hand.) Hello. (Shakes Monica's hand.)
Phoebe(mouths to Chandler) Soul mate.
Chandler(mouths to Phoebe) What?
Phoebe(cough talks) Soul mate.
MonicaSo, what've you guys been doing?
DonWell, we just had a terrible lunch today at Reattica. What is with all the sun-dried tomatoes at that place?
MonicaI know! What is this, 1985?!
DonThat's exactly what I said. Phoebe, isn't that strange.
MonicaNot really.
ChandlerWhat's wrong with sun-dried tomatoes? (Everyone stares at him.) On a barbecue chicken pizza? (Still there's staring.) No?
MonicaSo Don, what-what other restaurants do you like?
DonWell, Octavio, 27&7-Oh! And there's this great little place, Alessandro's.
MonicaOh my God! That is, that's my restaurant, I'm the chef there.
DonYou're kidding me!
MonicaNo!
DonYour-your food is fantastic! Wow, I really wanna talk to you about your menu, once I get some coffees first. Um, anyone want any?
MonicaOh, I'd like a latte. Oh you know what? If you're gonna talk about me, I'm gonna go with you.
ChandlerYeah. I'll have a mochaccino.
(They go over to the counter and Chandler moves closer to Phoebe.)
ChandlerWhat're you doing?!
PhoebeNothing! Nothing! I swear to God I didn't know you guys would be here! And the good news is you don't even believe in soul mates. So...
ChandlerI believe in tall, handsome strangers who hit on my wife!
PhoebeThey're just talking, and you know what? Just because I think they're soul mates doesn't mean anything's gonna happen.
Monica(returning) Phoebe, good work.
PhoebeYeah?
MonicaYeah! Oh he's great, I love him. (Walks away and Chandler glares at Phoebe.)
PhoebeDon't worry, we'll find you someone else. Joey's Apartment, there's a knock on the door and Joey answers it to Ross. JoeyHey.
RossHey.
JoeyLook, I understand if you came by to hit me, I deserve it.
RossNo, I-I don't wanna hit you.
JoeyOh, what then? Kick me?
RossNo.
Joey(getting worried) Bite me?
RossNo, no, I don't wanna, I don't wanna do anything to you. All right? I just wanna tell you that I'm not mad at you and...and that I certainly do not hate you. I just, I just came here to say that. (Starts to leave.)
JoeyOh that-Hey Ross-Ross! You wanna, you wanna come in for a beer or something?
RossUh...yeah sure. (Enters.)
JoeyYou uh, do you got any beer? All-all I got is this melon stuff that Rachel left. I don't...
RossOk.
Joey(pouring two glasses) Hey look Ross, you need to understand something ok? I uh...I am never gonna act on this Rachel thing, ok? I-I would never do anything to jeopardize my friendship with you. (He hands Ross a glass.)
RossThank you.
(They clink glasses and take a drink. Ross likes it, Joey hates it. Then Ross sees Joey hating it, mimics he hates it as well.)
JoeyAnyway, it uh...look it'll just...take me a while to get over her, that's all. I'm not even sure how to do that, I mean I've never been in love before so...
RossWhat?! You're in love with her?
JoeyYeah, I thought you knew that.
RossUmm, no.
JoeyWow. Hey look, if-if it helps, I don't wanna feel this way. Honest. I just keep thinking, "Ah, I'll get over this." You know? But, It just-It just keeps getting harder. I don't, I don't know what to do. You know? What do I do?
(Pause)
RossI think you need to tell her how you feel.
JoeyOk that's the green stuff talking.
RossNo, I'm serious. You-you need to find out where she is, because if she's not where you are, then you can start to move past this.
JoeyBut what if uh-and I'm not saying she will be-But...
RossIf she is where you are then uh...then my feeling weird about it shouldn't stand in the way.
JoeyAre you sure?
RossYeah. Look, if-if she's gonna end up with somebody else, the-the truth is she couldn't find a better guy. So...
JoeyHey thanks.
RossSo when do you think you're gonna talk to her?
JoeyOh my God I have to tell her! I haven't even thought about what I would say. What should I say?
RossI'm understanding, but let's not get carried away.
JoeyRight, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What am I gonna say? (He takes another sip of the green stuff and recoils at the taste.) Oh!
RossYeah, tell me about it. (He stands up, turns his back to Joey, and enjoys another sip.) Central Perk, Phoebe and Chandler are watching Monica and Don talk. Don...so I've been slowly phasing out the wine importing and focusing more on the cheese side of things.
ChandlerCheese you say? That's some pretty smelly work, huh Don?
Don'Scuse me?
ChandlerCheese, it's... smelly. You must smell a lot of the time too.
DonUh, not really. But when it comes to cheese, I'm one of the people who thinks the smellier the better.
MonicaMe too! Yeah, Chandler can't stand it. He-he won't even allow me to have blue cheese in the house.
DonAnd you're still married to him? (They both laugh, and Chandler tries to but fails.)
MonicaYou know what I'd love to do? I would like to go to France and eat nothing but bread and cheese-Not even bread, just cheese. No, I want the bread. Yeah. Ah, and pastries... (Breathlessly) And pate. Oh, I'm really not high, it's just I used to be fat.
DonWell if you were ever at the Loire Valley let me know, I got a great little villa you can stay at.
ChandlerIs it made of cheese?
DonNo. But God, a house made of cheese, wouldn't that be incredible?!
MonicaI'd move in tomorrow!
Chandler(disgusted) Oh come on! (To Phoebe) Are you listening to this?
PhoebeI'm so sorry.
ChandlerWhat do we do?
PhoebeI don't know, they both wanna live in a house of cheese! I don't know how you fight that. Outside Ross and Rachel's, Joey walks up to knock on the door, but stops. JoeyOk. Ok, I can do this. I can tell her how I feel. Just uh, ok, stand up straight. (Does so.) Take a couple deep breaths. (Does so.) Look confident. (Does so as Rachel opens the door and startles him.)
RachelJoey? What's up?
JoeyI uh, I just came by because I-I-I wanna talk to you about something.
RachelOk what's up?
JoeyHere? In the hall? What're we, animals?
RachelOh, honey, I'm now late for a meeting. So could you speak it quick?
JoeyOh yeah ok umm, I just came by to tell you that I...wanna have dinner with you tonight. That's all.
RachelSure! Sounds great! Just leave me a message and tell me where to meet you. Ok? (Walks away.)
JoeyOk. Ok. That's good. Yeah, ok, that give you a couple hours to prepare what you're gonna say. Good. Yeah. (Someone comes out of his apartment and it startles Joey again.) Don't you people ever knock?! Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are entering. MonicaI'd like to have Don and Phoebe over. Wouldn't that be nice?
ChandlerSure, why don't you set it up. I'll just be over here, browsing through the personals.
MonicaAre you ok? You've been acting weird all afternoon.
ChandlerYeah, fine. Fine. Not perfect! But good enough.
MonicaJeez! What is with you?
ChandlerI'm sorry, did you say cheese?
MonicaAll right, what's going on?
ChandlerPhoebe thinks you and Don are soul mates, and I don't believe in that kind of stuff. But then you two totally get along. So look, I won't stand in your way if you wanna run off with Don and live in a house of cheese.
MonicaChandler, you-you don't believe in soul mates?
ChandlerNo. But I'm sure (mimics Don) 'tomatoes' does.
MonicaI don't believe in soul mates either.
ChandlerYou don't?
MonicaNo. I don't think that you and I were destined to end up together. I think that we fell in love and then we work hard at our relationship. Some days we work really hard.
ChandlerSo you...you don't wanna live with Don in a cheese house?
MonicaNo, I-I've had second thoughts about that. Do you realize how hard that would be to clean?
ChandlerI love you.
MonicaI know.
ChandlerYou know what? I am gonna take you out to dinner tonight. I found this place that makes the greatest mozzarella sticks and Jalapeño poppers. (Monica doesn't look impressed.) No? Really? They taste so good. A restaurant, Joey and Rachel are having dinner. Rachel...and I know Chandler is kidding but it happens every time he touches my stomach. I mean I'm really worried the baby's not gonna like him. (Joey is staring at the table.) Are you ok?
JoeyWhat? Yeah! Sure! Uh, look at the uh, the reason...(Exhales slowly)-Is it hot in here?
RachelNo. Not-not for me, but why don't you take off your sweater?
JoeyI would, but this is a nice place and my T-shirt has a picture of Calvin doing Hobbs.
RachelOh my God! Really?! Can I see it?
JoeyYeah. Sure. (They both half stand up, Joey pulls the neck of his sweater out, and Rachel looks down it to see his T-shirt.)
RachelHuh. Wow, I wouldn't think Hobbs would like that so much.
JoeyUh... How long we known each other?
RachelUm, seven...e-e-eight, eight years. Wow.
JoeyUh-huh, long time.
RachelYeah.
JoeyBut over the past few weeks...
(A waiter runs over interrupting Joey.)
WaiterOk, hah, sorry about the wait, but it is mega-jammed in here! We have a couple specials tonight...
JoeyActually uh, could you, could you give us a second?
WaiterSure. Sure. (Turns away, then turns back) Second's up! (Joey glares at him.) Not...that kind of table. (He walks away.)
RachelSo you were saying?
JoeyI'm not quite sure.
RachelOk, well you had asked me how long we had known each other, and I said, "Eight years." And then the um, waiter came over and cut his tip in half, and umm...now here we are.
JoeyYeah, here we are. Uhh... I... I think I'm...falling in love with you.
Rachel(stunned) What?
JoeyI'm falling in love with you.
Rachel(looking around) Who're you talking to? Oh, you're kidding! Oh, it's a joke! (Laughs.) It's funny. It's funny. I don't get it. (Joey doesn't say any thing and Rachel realizes it's not a joke.) Oh. (Pause) Ok. Umm... I-I...uh, wow.
Waiter(Interrupting again) Ok, so the special's are... (Sees they are not responding, so he walks off again)
RachelAre you uh... How did umm... When?
JoeyDoes it really matter?
RachelWow! Wow. Wow. Wow, it is hot in here.
JoeyOk look Rach, I know this is a lot. Ok, you don't have to say anything. You-you uh, you take as much time as you need. (Long pause as Rachel says nothing.) Ok, you gotta say something!
RachelJoey, Joey, I love you so much, but I...
JoeyBut. (Hangs his head down.)
RachelJoey.
JoeyEver. Right. Hey, that's uh, that's ok. That's fine. That's uh, pretty much what I was expecting, you know? So uh, it's no big deal. All right? I think I'm gonna go. (Stands up.)
RachelNo! Joey please! Please don't! Please don't leave like this! Now come on, you cannot do this to a pregnant woman! (Starts to cry.)
JoeyDon't start doing that. You can't do that Rach, 'cause then you're gonna make me. (Starts to cry.) Oh, here we go! (Sits down next to her.)
RachelCan I? (Hug him.)
JoeyYeah!
(They hug.)
RachelOh Joey honey I don't...I don't wanna lose...
JoeyHey-hey-hey, hey! You can't. Ok? Ever!
RachelI'm so sorry.
JoeyOh no-no Rach, please, don't be sorry. Ok? Don't be sorry. (They hug again.) You know I was only kidding.
RachelYeah, that was a real good one. A restaurant, Joey and Rachel are still hugging as a waiter walks by the table to talk to the annoying waiter from before who is watching. Waiter No. 2Is this your table?
WaiterYeah.
Waiter No. 2God, you're gonna be here all night!
WaiterI know! I haven't even read them the specials yet!
Waiter No. 2What's the matter with them?
WaiterI don't know. I think maybe one of them is dying. (Pause) I kinda hope it's the girl. (The other waiter is shocked.) The guy is really cute!

Written by Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen; Transcribed by Eric Aasen, with additional material by Keith Owen; Annotated by ncp