Monica and Chandler's, everyone except Phoebe is there as Rachel enters carrying a magazine.
RachelSo, I'm in my apartment doing the Soap Opera Digest crossword puzzle, and guess who is the clue for three down. (She hands the magazine to Joey.)
Joey(reading) Three down, Days Of Our Lives star blank Tribbiani. That's me! I'm blank!
MonicaHow cool is this?! We know three down! I'm touching three down! (She has her hand on his shoulder.)
JoeyYeah you are baby.
MonicaThree down knows I'm married, what's three down doing?
RachelSo did they call you to tell you your name's gonna be in this?
JoeyNo. They really like me over there. They wanna do a big profile on me, but I said no.
RossWhy'd you say no?
JoeyRemember what happened the last time I did an interview for them? I said I write a lot of my own lines, and then the writers got mad and made my character fall down the elevator shaft? So, who knows what I might say this time.
ChandlerIf only there was something in your head to control the things you say. (Joey nods his agreement.)
RachelOh, come on Joey! You will totally keep it in check this time, and plus you know the publicity would be really good for your career! And you deserve that! And if you do the interview you could mention, oh, I don't know, gal pal Rachel Green?
ChandlerIs that gal pal spelled L-O-S-E-R?
RachelOk, don't listen to him. Please?
JoeyFine! All right, I'll do it. But hey! You guys have to be at the next table so you can stop me if I, you know, start to say something stupid.
RossJust then or-or all the time, 'cause, we have jobs you know.
RachelCome on! We will be there for you the whole time! Just remember, gal pal, Rachel Green. (Excited) Ha-ha! I'm gonna be in Soap Opera Digest! And not just in the dumb crossword puzzle. (Looks at Joey.) Seriously, proud of you.
Central Perk, Joey is there for his interview and everyone but Phoebe are hiding on the couch.
The InterviewerI really appreciate you taking the time to do this.
JoeyOh, not at all. Happy to do it.
[Cut to the rest of the gang sitting low on the couch and craning their necks to watch the interview.]
Monica(To Chandler) You think we're being obvious?
ChandlerNo, we're just four people with neck problems, who talk like this. (Out of the sides of their mouths.)
Cut to the interview.
The Interviewer(To Joey) I think it's great that you wanted to meet here. You know when most people hear the magazine is paying for it they wanna go to a big fancy restaurant.
Joey(laughs) Actually, I didn't know magazine is paying. Wouldn't 've mattered, I'm doing this for the fans, not for the free food.
GuntherCan I get you anything?
The InterviewerUmm, I'll have a cup of coffee.
JoeyAnd I'll have all the muffins.
[Cut to the gang.]
RossShhh! We're not talking.
PhoebeOh. Finally! Oh. (Sits back in relief.)
Cut to the interview.
The InterviewerSo, according to your bio, you've done quite a bit of work before Days of Our Lives. Anything that you're particularly proud of?
[This starts a series of flashbacks; the first one is from Episode 106: The Butt, Joey is in a play called Freud!.]
(He goes into a song and dance number)
All you want is a tinkle, what you envy's a schwang, a thing through which you can tinkle, or play with, or simply let hang...
[The next one is from Episode 304: The Metaphorical Tunnel, Joey is on Amazing Discoveries.]
HostFolks, has this ever happened to you. You go to the refrigerator to get a nice glass of milk, (Joey is in the background struggling to open a carton of milk) and these darn cartons are so flinging-flanging hard to open.
JoeyOh, you said it Mike. (Rips open the carton and spills milk on the counter) Aw! There's gotta be a better way!
MikeAnd there is Kevin.
MikeThis is the first time he's ever used this product before, you're gonna see how easy this is to do. (To Kevin) Go ahead. ('Kevin' starts using the product, it is a spout that you jab into a paper milk carton so that you don't have to rip it open.) This works in any milk carton.
Joey(finishing installing the Milk Master 2000) Wow, it is easy. (Starts to poor the milk) Now, I can have milk everyday.
(The crowd ahhs.)
[The next one is from Episode 322: The Screamer, it's the end of Joey's play.]
LaurenSo this is it? Victor?
JoeyYeah, I guess it is. And so... I'm gonna get on this spaceship, (Smoke starts pouring in from the ceiling, and a ladder comes down, with flashing, colored lights on the side of it) and I'm gonna go to Blargon 7 in search of alternative fuels. But when I return, 200 years from now, you'll be long gone. But I won't have aged at all. (Gets on the ladder) So you tell your great-great-granddaughter to look me up, because Adrienne... baby...I'm gonna wanna meet her.
(The ladder retracts, taking Joey up into the spaceship for his voyage to Blargon 7.)
[The next one is from Episode 204: Phoebe's Husband, when everyone including Julie is watching Joey in his porn.]
JoeyShh, OK, here I come, here I come. See I'm coming to fix the copier, I can't get to the copier, I'm thinking what do I do, what do I do...so I just watch 'em have sex. And then I say, wait, here's my line, (Joey from TV) you know that's bad for the paper tray.
ChandlerNice work my friend.
JoeyThank you. Wait-wait-wait-wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy's butt's blocking me. There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am, there I am...
Cut to the interview.
JoeyWell, there are so many things, it's, you know hard to pick just one.
[Cut to the gang.]
PhoebeI'm gonna get some coffee, does anyone want anything?
RachelOh yeah, I'd actually, I'd love a blueberry muffin and a chamomile tea.
RossUh, double latte, extra foam.
ChandlerAnd a bagel with only...
Phoebe(interrupting him) I was just being polite!
Cut to the interview.
The InterviewerOk, how about when you're not working. What do you do in your spare time?
[This starts another series of flashbacks about Joey's hobbies. The first one is from Episode 703: Phoebe's Cookies, Rachel is teaching Joey how to sail his boat, the Mr. Bowmont.]
Joey(drinking a beer) Look at this clown! Just 'cause he's got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river. (Yelling) Get out of the way jackass! (To Rachel) Who names their boat Coast Guard anyway?
RachelThat is the Coast Guard.
JoeyWhat're they doing out here? Coast's all the way over there. (Points to the coast.)
[The next one is from Episode 603: Ross's Denial, Joey is amazing Phoebe and Monica by holding his breath.]
PhoebeHey! Check it out! This is unbelievable! Joey has been holding his breath for almost four minutes!
(We see Joey who has puffed up his cheeks and Chandler nonchalantly reaches down and pinches Joey's nose shut. In a few seconds, Joey has to move because he's now forced to actually hold his breath.)
Joey(To Chandler) Dude! What you-you trying to kill me?!
[The next one is from Episode 507: Ross Moves In.]
[Chandler and Joey's and Ross's, Chandler is entering and when he closes the door Joey pops his head out of the fort like before, but this time he's wearing a cowboy hat.]
ChandlerWell, I see you've had a very productive day. Don't you think the cowboy hat is a little much?
Ross(popping up behind Joey wearing an Indian headdress) Come on, it's fun!
ChandlerAll right! (He joins them in the fort and comes up putting on a bonnet.) Isn't this a woman's hat?
JoeyDude, stop talking crazy and make us some tea!
(Chandler does so.)
[The next one is from Episode 417: The Free Porn, Chandler and Joey are lamenting the fact that every beautiful woman they see doesn't want to have sex right then and there like in porn.]
ChandlerYou know what, we have to turn off the porn.
JoeyI think you're right.
(Goes over and picks up the remote.)
ChandlerAll right, ready?
(Chandler turns off the porn and sets the remote down.)
JoeyThat's kinda nice.
ChandlerYeah, that's kind of a relief.
ChandlerYou wanna see if we still have it?
(Chandler turns on the TV and...)
ChandlerWe have free porn here!
Cut to the interview.
JoeyIn my spare time I uh, read to the blind. And I'm also a mento for kids.(The gang shake their heads.)
The InterviewerA mento?
JoeyYou know a mento, a role model. (Chandler bites his fist to keep from talking.)
The InterviewerA mento?
The InterviewerLike the candy?
JoeyMatter of fact, I do.
(Chandler tries to jump over the couch but everyone stops him.)
The InterviewerWell umm, another thing that our readers always wanna know is how soap stars stay in such great shape. Do you have some kind of fitness regime?
JoeyUh, we stars usually just try to eat right and get lots of exercise.
[Another set of flashbacks begin with Episode 521: The Ball, Joey and Ross are throwing a ball around.]
JoeyWow! You realize that we've been throwing on this ball, without dropping it, for like an hour?
RossAre you serious?!
JoeyYeah. I realized it half an hour ago but I didn't wanna say anything 'cause I didn't want to jinx it.
RossWow! We are pretty good at this!
RossHey! We totally forgot about lunch!
JoeyOh, I-I, I think that's the first time I ever missed a meal! (Checks his pants.) Yeah, they- my pants are a little loose!
[The next one is from Episode 604: Joey Loses His Insurance.]
[Chandler and Joey's, Chandler enters to find Joey lying in the fetus position on the floor]
ChandlerWhat's wrong with you?
JoeyWell, I-I got this blinding pain in my stomach when I was lifting weights before, then I uh passed out and uh, I've been unable to stand up since. But, I don't think it's anything serious.
ChandlerThis sounds like a hernia. You have to-you-you-Go to the doctor!
JoeyNo way! Ok look, if I'm gonna go to the doctor for anything, it's gonna be for this thing sticking out of my stomach! (Rolls over and shows Chandler.) Why did I have to start working out again? (Looks at the weights he was using.) Damn you 15s!
[The next one is from Episode 609: Ross Got High, Rachel is describing her desert to Joey and Ross.]
RossWhat is it?
RachelIt's a trifle. It's got all of these layers. First there's a layer of ladyfingers, then a layer of jam, then custard, which I made from scratch. [Joey and Ross make impressed faces] Then raspberries, more ladyfingers, then beef sauté with peas and onions, [Joey and Ross look like something's wrong.] then a little more custard...
[Time lapse, Ross and Joey are eating Rachel's disaster.]
RossThat taste like feet!
JoeyI like it.
RossAre you kidding?
JoeyWhat's not to like? Custard? Good. Jam? Good. Meat? Goood.
[The next one is from Episode 619: Joey's Fridge.]
[Joey and Rachel's apartment, Chandler is entering to find Joey bingeing on the food from the fridge. Joey isn't doing all that well.]
ChandlerWell you-you don't look good, Joe.
JoeyWell the fridge broke. So I'd to eat everything. Cold cuts, ice cream, limes-Hey, what was in that brown jar?
ChandlerThat's still in there?!
[The next one is from Episode 711: All the Cheesecakes.]
[The Hallway, Chandler and Rachel are on their knees with forks trying to salvage what they can of the cheesecake off the floor.]
RachelOh! Yay! Look! There's a piece that doesn't have floor on it!
ChandlerStick to your side!
RachelHey, come on now!
(Joey finishes climbing the stairs and sees them. Chandler and Rachel both stop and look up at him. Joey sits down on the step.)
Joey(pulls out a fork) All right, what are we having? (Starts digging in.)
Cut to the interview.
JoeyUhh, I don't believe in these crazy diets you know, just everything in moderation.
GuntherYour muffins. (Sets down a huge plate of muffins in front of Joey.)
JoeyUh... I'll take those to go. (To the interviewer) For the kids.
The InterviewerOh, I know what I wanted to ask you. You were on the show years ago and then they killed you off. What happened there?
JoeyOh, it was so stupid, I said some stuff in an interview that I really shouldn't 've said. But believe me, that's not gonna happen today.
The InterviewerUnderstood. So, what'd you say back then?
JoeyWell, I said that I... (The gang jumps up and interrupts him.)
Central Perk, continued from earlier.
JoeyYou guys, this is Shelley, she's interviewing me for Soap Opera Digest, uh Shelley, these are my friends...
Rachel(interrupting him) Hi! I'm gal pal Rachel Green, um, and if you want the dirt, I'm the one you come to. This might be Joey's baby (rubbing her stomach), who knows? I'm just kidding-Seriously, (leans into the cassette recorder Shelley is using) gal pal Rachel Green.
Ross(leaning into the recorder as well) Who just lost the respect of her unborn child.
The InterviewerUmm, I'm gonna just go get this warmed up. (She takes her coffee mug up to the counter.)
MonicaJoey! You're doing great!
RossYeah, so far, nothing stupid.
The Interviewer(returning) So, as Joey's friends, is there anything that you guys think our readers oughtta know?
RossUh no, no just-just that he is a great guy.
Rachel(scoffs at him) Yeah, that's gonna get you into Soap Opera Digest. Well I...(leans into the microphone again)...I would just like to say that Joey truly has enriched the days of our lives.
PhoebeUmm, I...I just think that you don't expect someone so hot to be so sweet.
The InterviewerOh! I like that. What's your name?
PhoebeUmm, Phoebe Buffay.
The InterviewerHow do you spell that? So we can get it right.
PhoebeOh ok, it's P as in Phoebe, H as in hoebe, O as in oebe, E as in ebe, B as in bee-bee and E as in (In an Australian accent) 'Ello there mate!
The InterviewerGreat! Well, it was nice meeting all of you.
RossYeah, you too.
ChandlerThanks, you guys. K.
MonicaBye. (They resume their previous positions.)
The InterviewerSo it seems like you have a lot of friends, who would you say is your best friend?
[They gang all lean back to listen better, and this starts another series of flashbacks. The first one is from Episode 214: The Prom Video, Rachel has just found the bracelet that Joey gave Chandler, which is after he bought one to replace it.]
JoeyHow come you have two?
ChandlerWell this one's for you.
ChandlerNo, I can't. No-no, listen, I, I know how much this means to you and I also know that this is about more than just jewelry, (Puts bracelet on Joey) it's about you and me and the fact that we're (Reading bracelet) best buds.
JoeyWow, is this friendship? I think so. Check it out, we're bracelet buddies.
ChandlerThat's what they'll call us.
[The next one is from Episode 618: Ross Dates A Student.]
[Joey's apartment, Joey and Rachel are eating spaghetti in the living room while watching TV and Rachel drops some on the floor.]
RachelOh, Joey! Sorry!
JoeyNo, that's all right. Don't worry about it.
RachelOh, but look! Aw, that's gonna leave a stain!
JoeyRach! Hey! It's fine! You're at Joey's!
JoeyYeah! Look! (He throws some of his spaghetti on the floor.)
RachelI've never lived like this before.
(Rachel throws some of hers down.)
JoeyAll right, don't waste it, I mean its still food. (He picks it up and eats it.) Jeez.
[The next one is from Episode 224: Barry And Mindy's Wedding, Joey has to kiss a guy in an audition and has been trying to find one to practice with.]
[Chandler and Joey's, Joey is reading a script as Ross enters.]
RossI've been feeling incredibly guilty about this, because I wanna be a good friend, and damn it I am a good friend. So just, just shut up and close your eyes (kisses Joey).
JoeyWow, you are a good friend, 'cause the audition was this morning, and I didn't get it. But that was a hell of a kiss. Rachel is a very lucky girl.
[The next one is from Episode 512: Chandler's Work Laugh, Joey and Phoebe are betting on who will reach the treat the fastest, the chick or the duck.]
JoeyLet's get the contestants out of their isolation booths. (He removes the waste bucket that's over the duck and the laundry basket that's over the chicken.) And they're off! (He puts his foot in front of the chick, stopping it from moving.)
PhoebeGet your foot off my contestant! Judge!
JoeyJudge rules, no violation.
JoeyAnd the duck gets the Nutter-Butter!
Phoebe(turning from Ross.) No! Aw. Hey! That's not a Nutter-Butter, that's just an old Wonton!
JoeyNo, judge rules, Nutter-Butter.
PhoebeOhh, tough call.
[The next one is from Episode 401: The Jellyfish, where Monica, Joey, and Chandler are relating that tragic day they spent on the beach.]
JoeyI'd seen this thing on The Discovery Channel...
RossWait a minute! I saw that! On The Discovery Channel, yeah! About jellyfish and how if you... (Stops suddenly and turns to look at Monica) Ewwww! You peed on yourself?!
Phoebe and RachelEwwww!
MonicaYou can't say that! You-you don't know! I mean I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain! Anyway I-I tried, I- but I-I couldn't...bend that way. So... (Looks at Joey.)
Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel(turning to look at Joey) Ewwww!
JoeyThat's right I stepped up! She's my friend and she needed help! And if I had to, I'd pee on anyone of you!
Cut to the interview.
JoeyUmm, no. No best friend, no. Just a lot of close friends. Yeah.
The InterviewerSo umm, now back to the show. How does it feel to have a huge gay fan base?
JoeyReally? Me? Wow! I don't even know any huge gay people!
[Cut to the gang.]
ChandlerIt hurts me. It physically hurts me.
[Cut to the interview.]
The InterviewerNow, off the record, you're not...
[Another group of flashbacks begin with Episode 513: Joey's Bag. Joey is carrying the bag and has entered Central Perk to the amusement of Ross and Chandler.]
JoeyWhat? Are you referring to my man's bag? At first, I thought it just looked good, but it's practical too. Check it out! It's got compartments for all your stuff! Your wallet! Your keys! Your address book!
[The next one is from Episode 712: They're Up All Night, Joey and Ross are deciding how to climb down the final part of the fire escape.]
RossOk. Now-now-now should I climb down your front so we're face to face or-or should I climb down your back so we're-we're butt to face.
JoeyI think face to face.
RossI would say that.
JoeyFace to face, yeah!
RossOk, here I go.
(Ross steps onto the bottom rung of the ladder and then steps on Joey's chest.)
Joey(grunting) Oh my... How much do you weigh Ross?!
RossI prefer not to answer that right now, I'm still carrying a little holiday weight.
(Ross continues to climb down. He puts his other foot further down on Joey's torso, but that doesn't work very well and he's forced to wrap his legs around Joey. Which then forces Joey to get a nice and close view of Ross's crotch.)
JoeyYou know, when we talked about face to face, I don't think we thought it all the way through.
[The next one is from Episode 722: Chandler's Dad.]
[Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Joey enters strutting.]
JoeyHey Pheebs! (He sits down next to her.)
JoeyCheck it out. (He turns around, pulls down his pants, and shows Phoebe that he's got panties on.) Huh? How much of a man am I?!
PhoebeWow! Nice! Manly and also kind of a slut.
[The next one is from Episode 608: Ross's Teeth, Chandler is accusing Joey of becoming less of a man.]
ChandlerYou're turning into a woman.
JoeyNo I'm not. Why would you say that? That's just mean.
ChandlerNow I've upset you? What did I say?
JoeyNot what you said, just the way you said it... Oh My God, I'm a woman!
[The next one is from Episode 706: The Nap Partners.]
[Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are napping together again and both wake up at the same time.]
RossIt really was.
(Suddenly Rachel clears her throat and the camera cuts to the rest of the gang staring at them. Needless to say Joey and Ross are shocked and slowly turn their heads to see the gang.)
Cut to the interview.
JoeyUh me? Gay? No! No. No, but I have a number of close friends who are. (Chandler and Ross look at each other.)
The InterviewerSo, let's talk about women. I'm sure our female readers will be interested to know about your romantic life.
[Another series of flashbacks begins with Episode 413Rachel's Crush, Joey is telling Rachel and Phoebe how he picks up women.]
JoeyOh-oh-oh-oh, how I do it is, I look a woman up and down and then I say, "Hey, how you doing?"
Joey(to Phoebe) Hey, how you doing?
(Phoebe looks at him, and then giggles and looks away.)
[The next one is from Episode 605Joey's Porsche.]
[The street, Joey is messing with a car cover and still wearing the Porsche stuff. This guy playing street football catches a pass next to the car cover Joey is fooling around with.]
JoeyHey! How you doing?
Woman(to her friend) He has the most amazing Porsche under there!
JoeyI'd love to show you, but I just tucked her in. She's sleeping. (The women both laugh) Hey uh, would you two girls like to go for a drink? (Just then the same guy with the football dives to make a catch, lands on the car cover, and collapses it. It turns out that Joey set up a bunch of boxes to make it look like a Porsche.)
[The next one is from Episode 613: Rachel's Sister, Chandler has just opened the door to reveal a woman standing there.]
WomanIs Rachel here? I'm her sister.
RachelOh my God, Jill!
JillOh my God, Rachel!
(They run and hug each other.)
ChandlerOh my God, introduce us!
RachelWell this is Chandler. (Points at him.)
RachelAnd you know Monica and Ross!
RachelAnd that's Phoebe (points), and that's Joey.
JoeyHey, (in the Joey voice) how you doing?
RachelDon't! (Joey backs away frightened.)
[The final one is from Episode 607: Phoebe Runs, Joey has been trying to repel Janine and sees it's not working to his liking so he's confronting her about the sexual tension.]
JanineYou're a really nice guy and I'm happy to be your roommate, and your friend, I'm just, you know, I just, don't feel that way about you.
JoeyOhhh! I see what happened. It's because I was trying to repel you. Right? Believe me, you'd feel a lot different if I turned it on.
JanineI don't think so.
JoeyOh, I do. (Gives her the Joey-love look.) How you doing?
JoeyWhat?! Oh, dear God!
Cut to the interview.
JoeyNot much to tell there I'm, really shy.
(The gang is confused.)
The InterviewerSo, that's it. I guess that's all I need. Thank you, so much. I think they will be running this in the beginning of next month.
JoeyOh great! Great! Thank you. (They shake hands.)
JoeyBye-bye. (The interviewer leaves and he sits down with the rest of the gang.) I did it!
The Interviewer(returning) Oh wait! I almost forgot. We have to ask everybody this. Other, than Days of Our Lives, what's your favorite soap opera?
JoeyOh, I don't watch soap operas. 'Scuse me, I have a life, you know?
(The gang is disappointed.)
The InterviewerThank you. The readers at Soap Opera Digest will be happy to learn that.
JoeyOh, good enough. (The interviewer leaves.) So close!
Monica and Chandler's, everyone is reading Joey's interview.
RachelWow! I can't believe they didn't put in the part where you said you didn't watch soap operas.
JoeyYeah, I called the lady about that. I told her I was just joking. She was pretty nice about that.
MonicaYou slept with her didn't you?
JoeyLittle bit, yeah.
RossWow! This picture of you sure is steamy.
JoeyOh yeah, that's just a little something for my huge gay fan base. (Winks at him.)
RossDid you just wink at me?
JoeyHey, you're the one who loves the picture.
Written by Doty Abrams; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Orginally Transcribed by Eric Aasen, guineapig, Josh Hodge, Aaron D. Howard-Miller, and Kiza Abuzahra; Annotated by ncp