Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Phoebe are preparing for Rachel's baby shower. Rachel(entering) Hi!
MonicaHey!
PhoebeHey!
RachelSo, what's the final head count on my baby shower?
PhoebeAbout twenty, a couple people from work without something else to do.
MonicaAlso both of your sisters called and neither can make it.
RachelWhat?! You mean they're not coming to a social event where there's no men and no booze?! That's shocking! I don't care, as long as my mom's here.
MonicaOh my God, your mother!
RachelWhat?! My mom's not gonna be here?!
MonicaWell, given that we forgot to invite her it would be an awfully big coincidence if she was.
RachelMy God!
MonicaWell it wasn't my fault, Phoebe was in charge of the invitations!
PhoebeWell I don't, I don't have a mother so often I forget that other people...
Monica(interrupting her) Oh give it a rest!
RachelSo my mother is not coming to my baby shower?!
PhoebeNo. (Pause) Neither is mine.
MonicaOk, you know what? Don't worry, ok? We'll take care of it. We'll call her. You just go home and get ready.
RachelPlease, make sure she comes. That's really important to me, I mean that's my mom!
PhoebeI know. I know, what's her number?
RachelI don't know.
MonicaGo! I have it in my book. Go! (Rachel leaves and Monica calls Mrs. Green.) (To Phoebe) Wait a minute! If you're in charge of the invitations why am I the one who has to call her-Hello Mrs. Green! Hi, it's Monica Geller.
Mrs. GreenOh, hello Monica.
Monica(on phone) Hi, umm I know this is last minute, but we-we've decided to throw an impromptu baby shower for Rachel today.
Mrs. GreenI know, my daughter's told me about it when they received their impromptu invitations a month ago.
MonicaYeah, I'm sorry. I'm-I'm so sorry.
Mrs. GreenFor what dear? For not inviting me or for lying about it?
Monica(To Phoebe) Oh my God, my ass is sweating! (On phone) I'm sorry for everything. Really! I mean... There's-there's, there's a lot of planning in a baby shower. I mean, you know, things get overlooked and... Phoebe's mother kills herself!
Mrs. GreenWhy? Did you forget to invite her too?
Monica(Laughs) You're so funny! Please! Please! Can-can you come? It starts at four o'clock.
Mrs. GreenWell all right. I'll see you at four.
MonicaThank you. (Hangs up.)
PhoebeIsn't it at three?
MonicaSon of a bitch! (Calls Mrs. Green again.) Joey's Apartment, Joey is reading a script as Ross and Chandler enter carrying a basketball. ChandlerHey Joe! Wanna shoot some hoops? (To Ross) And for the record, I'm not covering the tall one this time.
RossFine. But she's not that tall.
JoeyOh no, I can't go. I'm practicing; I got an audition to be the host of a new game show.
RossOh cool!
ChandlerThat's great.
JoeyYeah-yeah, and if I get it, by day I'll be Dr. Drake Remoray, but by night I'll be (In an announcer's voice) Joey Trrrribbiani!
ChandlerYou'll be perfect for this! That's already your name!
JoeyI know, I know. And it would be so great if I got this, because you never know what could happen to you on a soap, but I could be a game show host forever, like, that Bob Barker guy. He's been doing The Price Is Right for 75 years!
ChandlerI bet the ratings weren't good for the first 25, you know, before there was television.
JoeyYeah, oh yeah. But the problem- this game is really complicated.
RossOh come on. You said the same thing about "Hungry Hungry Hippos", and last week you beat Ben.
JoeyYeah, I have to be honest with you guys. He kinda let me win. But the audition's in a couple hours and I don't even understand the game.
RossWell do you want some help?
JoeyOh really? That'd be great! Hey you guys can be the contestants!
RossAwesome!
ChandlerOk, I guess we can lose to junior high girls some other time.
Joey(announcer voice) All right! Let's play Bamboozle!
ChandlerBamboozle?
JoeyYeah, isn't that a cool name?
Ross(simultaneously with Chandler) Yeah!
Chandler(simultaneously with Ross) No!
JoeyAll right. Uhh, ok. Our first contestant is Ross Geller. Why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself Ross?
RossWell uh, I-I'm a paleontologist. Umm, I-I live in New York. I have a son Ben. Uh, hi Ben! (Waves.) And uh...
JoeyI said a little bit Ross. Now, how about you Chandler?
ChandlerWell Joey, I'm a headhunter. I hook up out of work Soviet scientists with rogue third-world nations. Hi Rasputin! (Waves.)
JoeyExcellent! Let's play Bamboozle! Chandler, you'll go first. What is the capital of Colombia?
ChandlerBogotá.
JoeyIt's Ba-go-ta, but close enough. Now, you can either pass your turn to Ross or pick a Wicked Wangle card.
ChandlerWhat's a Wicked Wangle card do?
JoeyI should know that. Let's see, just one moment please. Umm, here we are, a Wicked Wangle card determines whether you go higher or lower.
ChandlerHigher or lower than what?
JoeyThis is embarrassing. (Looks it up.)
Chandler(To Ross) Can you believe how lame this is?
RossI'm sorry, I don't believe contestants are allowed to talk to each other. Monica and Chandler's, Rachel's baby shower is underway. Monica and Phoebe are working in the kitchen. PhoebeOh, I told the stripper to be here at five. That's good right?
MonicaYou ordered a stripper for the shower?! That is totally inappropriate!
PhoebeWhat? He's gonna be dressed as a baby! (Mrs. Green enters.) Oh hi Mrs. Green!
MonicaHi!
PhoebeI'm so glad you could make it.
MonicaYes, thank you so much. And again, we're so sorry. We could not feel worse about it.
Mrs. GreenTry. Oh there's my little girl. (Goes over to Rachel.)
MonicaShe's still mad.
PhoebeYeah, I know. Isn't it great? One less person we have to make small talk with.
Guest(To Phoebe) Hey, how are you?
PhoebeYeah, uhuh, yeah, ok, ok.
MonicaPhoebe, Sandra's mad at you too. It-it doesn't bother you?
PhoebeNo, look, we've apologized twice! I-I can't do anymore than that. I know you hate it when people are mad at you but you know you just have to... be ok with it.
MonicaOk. I can do that. (Pause) I gotta go powder my ass.
[Cut to Rachel and Mrs. Green.]
Mrs. GreenLook at that face! Just like when you were in high school! If I didn't know better I'd say you were a cheerleader in trouble. Come on, let's get some tea.
RachelOk. (Mrs. Green helps her up and they walk over and get some tea.)
Mrs. GreenOh my, look at that. Only three weeks to go, now have you picked your nanny yet? Now I don't want you to just use your housekeeper 'cause it'd just split her focus.
RachelOh well actually I'm not gonna use a nanny and uh, I don't even have a housekeeper.
Mrs. GreenIt's like you're a cave person. Rachel, you must get a nanny. You don't know how overwhelming this is gonna be. I mean when you were a baby I had full time help, I had Mrs. K.
RachelMrs. K! Oh that- she was sweet. She taught me Spanish. I actually think I remember some of it, tu madre es loca.
Mrs. GreenSuch a sweet woman. And more important: She became a part of our family.
RachelThat's right. Mrs. K. What did that K stand for?
Mrs. GreenI have no idea dear, she was the nanny.
RachelWell, as-as great she was, I-I can't afford that.
Mrs. Green(Laughs) I'm sorry, sometimes I forget not everyone has alimony. Oh, Rachel!
RachelWhat?
Mrs. GreenI just had the greatest idea! I'm gonna come live with you!
RachelWh-wh-what? What?
Mrs. GreenOh, I'm so happy I'm gonna do this for my little girl. Aw, look at you. You have tears in your eyes.
RachelYes. Yes I do. Joey's Apartment, the guys are still playing Bamboozle. JoeyAll right Ross you're in the lead, would you like to take another question or spin the Wheel of Mayhem?
RossThe wheel has not been my friend tonight Joey. Uh, I'll take another question.
JoeyOk, this is gonna be tough. Hold your breath.
RossIt's ok, I'm ready.
JoeyNo dude, you gotta hold your breath until you're ready to answer the question. It-it's part of the game.
ChandlerThis is ridiculous, he's not gonna hold his... (Ross cuts him off by taking a deep breath and holding it.)
JoeyOk, what do you have a fear of if you suffer from this phobia, Tris...Holy cow, that's a big word. Trisc... Seriously look at this thing. Chandler, how do you say that?
ChandlerLet me see that.
JoeyThis one right here. (Ross whines.)
ChandlerTriscadecaphobia.
Ross(exhaling) The fear of Triscuits!
JoeyNo! No, fear of the number 13.
ChandlerFear of Triscuits?
RossIt's possible, they've really sharp edges.
JoeyAll right, Chandler, you're up.
RossWait a minute, I-I believe I'm entitled to use my Angel Pass for a free turn?
JoeyYes, yes. But you can only use it once, so choose wisely.
RossHmm, this is tricky. I mean, I-I am in the lead, but I, I would love another shot at the Golden Monkey.
ChandlerThis game makes no sense!
RossYou know what? You're just upset 'cause you're losing.
ChandlerOh come on Ross, I think we're all losers here.
RossI would like to hang on to my Angel Pass, please.
JoeyAll right. Chandler, you can either spin the wheel or pick a Google card.
ChandlerLet me think. Let me think-Oh! Uh I don't care.
JoeyYou-you must choose Mr. Bing.
ChandlerEither, it makes no difference.
JoeyChoose, you jackass!
ChandlerI'll take a card.
JoeyOk, you picked the Gimme card! You get all of Ross' points!
RossWhat?!
ChandlerThis game is kinda fun.
Ross(To Chandler) You don't think it's a little crazy that you get all my points just 'cause you...
ChandlerI don't think the contestants are supposed to speak to each other. Monica and Chandler's, the baby shower is continuing as Rachel walks over to Monica and Phoebe. Phoebe(To Monica) Do you wanna start opening presents, 'cause it seems like people are getting itchy to leave. And when I say "people", I mean me.
RachelWhy did you invite my mother?!
MonicaWhat?
RachelShe wants to move in with me and Ross to help take care of the baby.
PhoebeFor how long?
RachelEight weeks. I mean I love my mother, but my God, a long lunch with her is taxing.
MonicaOh. I personally would be honored if she wanted to live with me.
PhoebeShe can't hear you.
RachelWhat? You guys, come on! What am I gonna do?
PhoebeWell, if you don't want your mother to move in with you, just tell her.
RachelYou're right. You're right. I mean I'm about to have a baby, I can tell my mother that I don't want her to just be sleeping on my couch! Oh my God! She's gonna want to sleep in my bed with me. This cannot happen!
MonicaOk. That's right. That is right, you go over there and tell her you do not want her to live with you. Do not take no for an answer!
RachelOk. (She goes over to tell her mother.)
Monica(To Phoebe) This is great! Now she's gonna be mad at Rachel! You know what? And I'm just gonna swoop in there and be like the daughter she never had.
PhoebeOh, honey. You have to let it go.
MonicaOk. (Pause) Who doesn't accept an apology!? I mean, it's just so simple. "I'm sorry Sandra", "That's ok Monica. I forgive you. And by the way, you're very pretty."
PhoebeI have new respect for Chandler. All right, everybody! It's time to open the presents!
MonicaYes! Yes! And I think that the first gift that Rachel opens should be from the grandmother of the baby, because you're the most important person in this room. And in the world!
Mrs. GreenWell uh, I don't have a gift because I wasn't invited until the last minute, but thank you so much for bringing that to everyone's attention.
PhoebeHow about you less important people, let's open your presents!
(Mrs. Green goes into the kitchen and Rachel follows her.)
RachelMom that's ok that you didn't get you a gift!
Mrs. GreenWell, I kinda did. Me. Eight weeks of me.
RachelYeah. Ok, you see mom, the truth is I can do this on my own.
Mrs. GreenSweetheart I know you're gonna be a terrific mom, I just think you need a little help, especially at the beginning.
RachelBut mom, I really know what I'm doing. I can handle this.
Mrs. GreenReally? Remember Twinkles?
RachelHe was a hamster! I am not gonna vacuum up my baby!
PhoebeOk, come on Rach, it's present time! You know you're the glue holding this whole party together. It's kinda falling apart here.
Mrs. GreenOh look.
RachelWow!
PhoebeThey came- this is from your friends at work.
RachelOh my gosh! Oh wow! Oh, I know what this is! (She's holding an item with a large suction cup connected to a yellow plastic box, with a long narrow tube and bottle connected the yellow part.) Wait a minute. That can't be right. Is that a beer bong for a baby?
Mrs. GreenDarling, that's a breast pump!
RachelDid I say I was done guessing? Ok, thank you for that. Oh, wow! What's this?
WomanIt's a diaper genie.
RachelOh, it dispenses clean diapers!
WomanNo! It's where you put the dirty ones!
RachelWell that's gross, why don't you just take it outside and throw it in a dumpster?
Mrs. GreenOh you're gonna do that ten times a day?
RachelWhat?! It goes ten times a day! What are we feeding this baby?! Indian food?!
Mrs. GreenNo, dear, that's what babies do.
MonicaRachel, listen to your mother. She is very smart.
Mrs. GreenPlus, what are you planning on doing with the baby while you're trotting out to the garbage ten times a day?
RachelI don't know, I'd leave it on the changing table? (Everyone gasps.) What?! What'd I do? What'd I do?!
Mrs. GreenYou can't leave a baby alone!
RachelOh come-(Stutters)-Of course I know that. I mean of course you never leave a baby alone! I mean who would-she wouldn't be safe, you know, not as she would be with me, the baby dummy. Oh God, ok. You know what? Opening the presents is a little overwhelming right now. So I think umm, I'm just gonna maybe open them all a little bit later, but thank you all for coming. And for these beautiful gifts, and this basket is beautiful.
WomanIt's actually a bassinet.
RachelOk mommy, don't ever leave me. (Hugs her.) Joey's Apartment, the guys are still playing the game only everyone is really into it. Joey(To Chandler) In what John Houston film would you hear this line, "Badges? We don't need no stinking badges!"
ChandlerTreasure of the Sierra Madre!
JoeyCorrect! There's a possible backwards bonus!
ChandlerMadre Sierra the of Treasure!
JoeyYes!
RossWhat? There's extra points for that!? Fair not that's!
ChandlerI'd like to go up the ladder of chance to the Golden Mud Hut please.
JoeyWise choice, how many rungs?
ChandlerSix!
Joey(makes a sound like a monkey) That noise can only mean one thing.
Chandler(disappointed and simultaneously as Ross) Hungry monkey.
Ross(excited and simultaneously as Chandler) Hungry monkey! (To Chandler) Haaa! (To Joey) I'd like a Wicked Wangle card!
JoeyOk, it's an audio question, name this television theme song. (Starts humming the theme to I Dream of Jeannie.)
Ross(thinking) Oh. (Pause) Oh! Oh my God! Ok, I know this, give me-give me a second!
ChandlerTell it to the Time Turtle!
RossShut up! I Dream of Jeannie!
JoeyYes! Yes, you're back in the lead!
RossI'd like to spin the wheel!
(Joey makes a sound like a game show wheel spinning with the pointer bouncing off of the bars on the wheel as it slows and comes to a stop.)
Chandler(annoyed) Oh come on!!
JoeyUh, umm, Super-Speedy Speed round!
RossIs there a hopping bonus?
JoeyOf course!
(Ross gets up and starts to hop on one leg.)
JoeyWho invented bifocals?
RossBen Franklin.
JoeyCorrect! Which monarch has ruled Great Britain the longest?
RossQueen Victoria.
JoeyCorrect again! But, you forgot to switch legs between questions, so no hopping bonus!
RossOhhh! Every time!
JoeyNow, over to Chandler.
ChandlerI'd like a Google Card.
JoeyAre you sure?
ChandlerYes! (Pause) No! (Pause) Google!
JoeyOh my God! Congratulations Ross, because Chandler, you've been Bamboozle!
ChandlerNooo!
RossYes!
ChandlerThis is the best game ever! Monica and Chandler's, the baby shower has ended and everyone except for Mrs. Green have left who is talking to Rachel while Monica and Phoebe are cleaning up. RachelSo umm, you're gonna stay with me as long as I need you?
Mrs. GreenOf course I am!
RachelOh mom, I swear I'm not an idiot. I read all kinds of books on pregnancy and giving birth, but I-I just didn't think to read the part about what to do when the baby comes. And-and then guess what? The baby's coming and I don't know what to do. Oh, can I throw up in my diaper genie?
Mrs. GreenNooo. Sweetie, you're gonna be fine. (Starts to get up.)
RachelWait-wait where're you going? Where're you going?
Mrs. GreenI'm going to the bathroom.
RachelOk.
Mrs. GreenNow don't worry! Everything's gonna be ok. (Hugs Rachel while she is standing and Rachel is sitting, seeing this Monica decides to join in on the hugging by hugging Mrs. Green from behind her back.)
MonicaIt is gonna be ok! (Mrs. Green glances over her shoulder and glares at Monica while she heads for the bathroom.) Worth a shot.
Ross(entering, out of breath) Hey!
PhoebeHey! Why are you all red and sweaty?
RossI just Bamboozle Chandler! (Flexes in victory while everyone stares at him.) Which is not a sexual thing. That was a quick shower.
PhoebeNot if you were here.
RossWow! Looks like we got a lot of good stuff.
RachelOh we did, but my mom got us the greatest gift of all.
Ross(excited) A Play-Doh barbershop?
RachelNo. She's going to live with us for eight weeks.
RossUh, what?
RachelYes! She's gonna help us take care of the baby! Woo-hoo. (Sees that Ross isn't happy.)
RossWhat-You're not serious. I mean she's a very nice woman, but there is no way we can take eight weeks of her. She'll drive us totally crazy.
Mrs. Green(entering from bathroom) Hi Ross!
RossHi roomie! (Hugs her and looks at Rachel.) Joey's Audition, Joey is being shown in. ManHey Joey, hi! I'm Ray; I'm the producer of the show.
Joey(announcer voice) It's a pleasure to meet you Ray.
RayYeah. And this is Duncan (points to the cameraman) and Erin, they're gonna help us outwith the audition. So uh, let's get the camera rolling.
Joey(announcer voice) Righty-O Ray!
RayWhenever you're ready.
Joey(to the camera) Hello, I'm Joey Tribbiani! Let's play Bamboozle! Erin, you get the first question! In hockey, who is known as The Great One?
ErinWayne Gretzky.
JoeyCorrect! Now, would you like to pick a Wicked Wangle card or spin the Wheel of Mayhem?
RayUh Joey, didn't your agents give you the revised rules? We've eliminated all that. No wheel, no cards.
JoeyWhy-why?!
RayUh, well, the game was too complicated and research showed people didn't follow it.
JoeyWell what's complicated? You spin the Wheel of Mayhem to go up the Ladder of Chance. You go past the Mud Hut through the Rainbow Ring to get to the Golden Monkey; you yank his tail and boom! You're in Paradise Pond!
RayYeah all that's gone. Um, it's basically just a simple question and answer game now.
JoeyWell what's fun about that? You expect me to be the host of a boring game that's just people standing around answering questions?
RayWell, there'll be women in bikinis holding up the scores.
Joey(announcer voice to the camera) Let's play Bamboozle! Monica and Chandler's, Mrs. Green is telling Ross what needs to be done to baby proof his apartment. Mrs. GreenSo, I thought we'd put the changing station in the living room. And I thought I'd bring in my decorator, because you know, I really feel like I'm at my best when I'm surrounded by jewel tones.
RossSure, who-who doesn't?
Mrs. GreenOh, and all those dinosaur knick-knacks you have, Ross, I-I thought they might be more at home in the garage.
RossWell we...we don't have a garage.
Mrs. GreenDid I say garage? I meant garbage.
RossYou know what? Mrs. Green, Maybe it's not absolutely vital let you live with us.
Mrs. GreenWhat- Rachel needs help with the baby.
RachelI do. I really do. I don't know anything.
RossOh, I'm-I'm sure that's not true.
RachelOh no? Pheebs? Monica? Do I know anything about babies?
PhoebeNo, not a thing.
MonicaIt's frightening.
RossWell uh, you know what? Even-even if she doesn't know anything, I do! And I'll be there to-to show her, so...
Mrs. GreenThat's exactly what Rachel's father told me. But you know what he said at the first 3 A.M. feeding? "I'm tired, you take care of it." Which I later said to him when he wanted to have sex.
RossWell, Um I'm not Rachel's dad. And no offense, but he's an ass.
Mrs. GreenI do like you Ross.
RossLook, I have a son. And his mother and I didn't live together, and whenever he was with me I took care of him all the time, by myself.
Mrs. GreenThat's true. You do have another child.
RossYeah.
Mrs. GreenWith another woman. Have you no control Ross?
RossThat's a different issue. Uh, the point is, when the baby comes I will be there to...to feed her and bathe her and change her. And more than that I want to do all those things.
Mrs. GreenWell then you really don't need me to live with you.
RossYes! Yes, you're gonna be so missed.
Mrs. GreenYou're gonna be a great father.
RossWell you're gonna be a wonderful grandma. (They hug.)
RachelHello?! I still don't know what the hell I'm doing!
RossOh, come on, every first time mother feels that way. You'll-you- you're gonna pick it up. (Rachel doesn't believe that.) Hey! You will! Uh look, you know when you first came to the city? You were this spoiled helpless little girl who-who still used daddy's credit card. Do you remember?
RachelI hope you're going somewhere with this.
RossLook at you! What-You're-you're this big executive! You are much more capable than you give yourself credit for. I-I have no doubt you're gonna be an incredible mother.
RachelReally?
RossI'm telling you.
RachelThank you. (Hugs him.)
Mrs. GreenAll right you two, I'm gonna get going.
RossOh. (Rachel and he start to stand up.)
Mrs. GreenOh no-no-no-no sweetheart, you stay put. I'll let myself out. It's like I'm not here, which I almost wasn't.
Monica(laughs) You're still so funny. You're so funny. (To Phoebe) What do I do?
PhoebeNothing! You have apologized to her like a million times and she's been nothing but terrible to you. And don't forget you just threw her daughter a lovely, albeit slightly boring, shower, and she hasn't even thanked you for it.
MonicaYou know what? You're-you're right.
PhoebeYeah I mean if you wanna say anything to her, I'd tell her off.
MonicaReally?
PhoebeUh-huh!
MonicaOk! I will! Mrs. Green? Mrs. Green! (She ignores Monica and Monica follows her out into the hall with Phoebe in tow.) It is rude to leave a party without saying goodbye to the host! Yeah, and-and also when someone apologizes to you the decent thing to do is to accept it! 'Cause what I did to you, it wasn't on purpose! But what you're during to me now, it's just plain spiteful!
Mrs. GreenSpiteful?!
MonicaThat's right! Maybe it's time you took a good hard look at a mirror young lady...old lady...lady!
Phoebe(To Monica) Wrap it up, wrap it up, wrap it up...
MonicaSo, whenever you're ready to apologize to me, I will forgive you. Good day! (Monica and Phoebe reenter the apartment and Monica closes the door on a stunned Mrs. Green.) I can't feel my legs!
PhoebeYou were fantastic! I'm so proud of you!
MonicaYeah? I'm proud of me too.
PhoebeYou should be!
MonicaYeah could-could-could you get me something to drink?
PhoebeYou got it!
MonicaOk. (When Phoebe turns around Monica runs out into the hall after Mrs. Green.) Mrs. Green! Ok I'm really sorry! I'm apologizing for the- (She trips and falls down the stairs.) (Pause) Ok, I bit my tongue, but I'm still really sorry! Ross and Rachel's, Ross is helping Rachel study for when the baby comes. Rachel(closing a book) Ok! I'm ready.
RossYou sure?
RachelYes, I've done my studying and I really know my stuff.
RossAll right then. (Gets up, in an announcer's voice) Rachel Green! Let's play Bamboozle! (Reading from a notecard.) How do you test the temperature of the baby's bath water?
RachelUh, put your elbow in it.
RossExcellent! How do you put a baby down for a nap?
RachelFull, dry, on its back, and no loose covers.
RossThat's correct! There's a hopping bonus here, but I don't suggest you take it. Ok, ooh, ooh, here, this is an audio question, what'd you do when the baby makes this sound? (Makes a sound like someone is choking a cat.)
RachelCheck if it's wet, check if it's hungry, burp it!
RossExcellent! Excellent, now-now do you want another question or a Wicked Wangle card?
RachelA card! A card! I pick a card!
RossOh, I'm sorry you've been Bamboozle! You're gonna be a terrible mother! (Rachel stares at him agape.) I've lost sight of why we're doing this! (Rachel gets up and walks away.) (Still in announcer voice) Please don't walk away! I've gone too far!

Written by Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer; Added footage text by Ane Jegstad; Annotated by ncp