Central Perk, everyone is there except Monica as Ross enters carrying a huge stack of newspapers. RossHey you guys I got some bad news. (He sets the stack of papers down on the table.)
PhoebeWell that's no way to sell newspapers. Why don't you try, "Extra! Extra! Read all about it!"
RossNo, Monica's restaurant got a horrible review in the Post. (They all gasp.) Yeah, I didn't want her to see it, so I ran around the neighborhood and bought all the copies I could find. (He hands the paper to Phoebe and they all read it.)
Chandler(counts the stack of newspapers) 2, 4, 6, 1 million. Yep, you got 'em all.
JoeyMan, this is bad! And I've had my share of bad reviews. I still remember my first good one though. (Quoting) "Everything else in this production of Our Town was simply terrible. Joey Tribbiani was abysmal."
Monica(entering) Hey!
Monica(seeing the stack of newspapers) Oh my God! Look at all the newspapers! It must be a good review! Is it great?!
Monica(reading) Oh dear God!
RossBut the good news is, no one in a two-block radius will ever know.
MonicaWhat about the rest of Manhattan?!
RossYeah, they all know.
MonicaOh my God, this is horrible!
ChandlerI'm so sorry.
MonicaI'm so humiliated!
RachelYeah but you know what they say Mon, "There's no such thing as bad press."
MonicaYou don't think that umm, (reading) "The chef's Mahi mahi was awful awful," is bad press?
RachelI didn't write it.
MonicaGod is he right? Am I really-am I awful?
JoeyHey! Hey Monica! You listen to me, ok? And I'm not just saying this 'cause I'm your friend, I'm saying it 'cause it's the truth. Your food is abysmal! Ross and Rachel's, it's late at night, Rachel is sitting on the couch in the dark wide-awake as Ross walks to the bathroom. RachelRoss!
Ross(startling him) What?! What?
RachelI am freaking out!
RossAre ya?
RachelMy due date is in one week!
RossWhat're you doing up?
RachelThat is seven days!
RossOk look, I had a lot of water before I went to bed. Can we do this after...
Rachel(interrupting him) No-no-no-no-no, Ross! Please, come on we do not have any of the big stuff that we need! We do not have a changing table! We do not have a crib! We do not have a diaper service!
Rosslink]">It's funny you should mention diapers.
RachelI'm serious.
RossOk look, there's there's nothing to worry about. We have plenty of time. There's a great baby furniture store on West 10th. Tomorrow, we will go there and we will get you everything we need. Ok?
RachelOk. Thank you. That's great. Thank you. Wait-wait! Where on West 10th? 'Cause there's this really cute shoe store that has like this little...
Ross(interrupting her) Ok. Ok. If uh, if you're gonna do this, then I'm gonna go do that. (Points to the bathroom.) So... (Starts for the bathroom.)
Rachel(stopping him) Oh, wait Ross! I'm sorry, one more thing!
Ross(annoyed) Yeah!
RachelUmm, our situation. You know umm, what we mean to each other. And I mean we-we're having this baby together you know, and we live together. Isn't that, isn't that weird?
Ross(stunned) (thinks) Well uh...
RachelI'm just kidding! You can go pee! (He does so in a hurry.) Monica and Chandler's, Monica is cooking as Chandler looks on. Joey(entering) Hey uh Monica, I can't remember. Did we say we were gonna meet here or at the movie?
MonicaWe said at the movies, but...
JoeyOk, I'll see you there. (Starts to leave)
MonicaJoey! (He returns) Now that you're here...
JoeySure, I can hang out 'til I have to meet ya. (To Chandler) What uh-How come you're not going?
ChandlerI can't. I got a job interview I gotta get ready for.
JoeyI thought you already have a job.
ChandlerAnd people say you don't pay attention. No-no, this is a much better job. It's vice-president of a company that does data reconfiguration and statistical factoring for other companies.
JoeyWow! How do you know how to do that?!
ChandlerThat's what I do now.
MonicaHey Joey, come taste this.
JoeyWhat is it?
MonicaRemember that guy that gave me a bad review? Well... (Feeds him a spoonful of what she's cooking.) I'm getting my revenge!
JoeyYou cooked him?
MonicaNo. He teaches a course on food criticism at the New School, so before we go to the movies I wanna go by there and make him try my bouillabaisse again. Oh, I cannot wait to read the front page of the Post tomorrow! "Restaurant reviewer admits: I was wrong about Monica."
ChandlerThe front page? You really do live in your own little world, don't you?
JoeyWoah! I better get to my movie.
ChandlerOh yeah.
Joey(stops) Oh, You know, if I'm going to the movie, and you're going to the movie, why don't we just go together? Uh, how's that for data reconfiguration huh Chan? (snaps his fingers and points to Chandler) (Chandler points to his head saying "Good thinking!") The Baby Furniture Store. A saleswoman is helping Ross and Rachel around the store. KatieSo my name's Katie if there's anything else you need.
RachelOh God, I don't know! I want- everything is so great. I just want everything. (picks up what looks like a basket off the shelf) Ooh look at this we need this.
RossWhat is it?
RachelI don't know. (puts it in the cart anyways)
RossHave you ever had two people who weren't wearing crowns spend this much money here?
KatieYou have selected a lot of nice things. So do you uh, want these things delivered Mr. and Mrs. Geller?
RachelNo-no-no! No, no, no, we're not married.
RossWe are having a baby together, but we're, we're not involved. (The cashier, a very beautiful woman, looks confused) I mean, uh we-we were seeing each other a while ago, but then we were just friends. And then there was one drunken night. (Rachel looks at him angrily) Or, yes stranger, we'd like this delivered please.
KatieWhy don't you fill out this address card. (Hands him one.)
RossOh, ok.
KatieI notice you picked out a lot of our dinosaur items.
RachelOh yeah! Actually, that's one of the reasons why we're not a couple.
RossI chose those, I'm a paleontologist.
KatieReally?! That is so cool!
RachelOh. Oh yeah, don't get too worked up over it. I mean it-it sounds like he's a doctor, but he's not.
KatieOh no-no, I'm fascinated by paleontology. Have you read the new Walter Alvarez book?
RossYeah! I-I teach it in my class.
RachelOh my God! I'm standing at a cash register, I'm holding a credit card, and I'm bored.
Katie(looking at the completed address card) Oh, I love your neighborhood. There's a great gym right around the corner from your building.
RossThat's my gym.
KatieI can tell you work out. (Ross is pleased and Rachel looks at him confused.) A paleontologist who works out, you're like Indiana Jones. (Rachel has a disbelieving look on her face.)
RossI am like Indiana Jones. Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Rachel enters. RachelHi Pheebs!
PhoebeHey! Oh, how did baby shopping go?
RachelOh, it was great! We got everything that we needed! Oh and Ross, almost got something that wasn't on the list. A whore.
RachelWell, we were paying for our stuff and this saleswoman just started flirtingwith him. Can you believe that?
PhoebeWell did she know you two weren't married?
PhoebeOh my God! Well the idea of a woman flirting with a-with a single man, we-we must alert the church elders!
RachelYou don't understand! You-you didn't see how brazen she was.
PhoebeSounds like you're a little jealous.
RachelNo! I'm not! I-I-I just think it's wrong! It's-it's that I'm-Here I am about to pop and he's out picking up some shop girl at Sluts 'R' Us!
PhoebeIs that a real place? (Rachel's stunned) Are they hiring?
Chandler(entering) Hey Phoebe! (To Rachel) Fatty!
PhoebeHey Chandler, why so fancy?
ChandlerWell, I got a job interview. It's kind of a big deal too. It's a lot more money and I'd be doing data reconfiguration and statistical factoring.
PhoebeWait, I think I know someone who does that.
ChandlerMe! I do that. So... Seriously, do I, do I look ok? I'm a little nervous.
RachelOh yeah! You really-You look great.
PhoebeYou know, just don't get your hopes up.
ChandlerWhy not?
PhoebeWell, the interview...
ChandlerWhat about it?
PhoebeYou know! You don't make a very good first impression.
Chandler(shocked) What?!
PhoebeOh you don't know.
ChandlerAre you serious?!
PhoebeYes, when I first met you, you were like, "Blah, blah, blah." I was like, shhh!
ChandlerWhat is it that I do?
PhoebeWell it's just like you're trying too hard. Always making jokes, you know, you just-You come off a little needy.
Chandler(To Rachel) Did you like me when we first met?
RachelChandler, I'm not gonna lie to ya, but I am gonna run away from you. (Gets up and hurries out.)
Chandler(after Rachel has left) She's put on so much weight. The New School, Monica, carrying her dish, and Joey stand at a classroom door entrances. Monica(looks at someone in the classroom) There he is! That smug bastard!
The Food CriticOk class, we'll see you next time.
Monica(looks over to see who the actual food critic/teacher is). There he is! (both her and Joey walk in) Hi! Umm, I'm Monica Geller, I'm the chef at Alessandro's.
The Food CriticStill?
MonicaI think the things that you said about me were really unfair, and I would like for you to give my bouillabaisse another chance.
The Food CriticI don't see any reason why I would do that to myself again.
JoeyEither eat it, or be in it.
MonicaSpoon? (Hands him one and he tastes it.) So, what'd you think?
The Food CriticI'm torn, between my integrity and my desire to avoid a beating. But I must be honest, your soup is abysmal. (Throws down the spoon and walks out.)
JoeyTada girl! Huh? We should get out of here; there's a new class coming in.
(They start to leave.)
The Cooking TeacherWelcome to introduction to cooking. Now, before we start, can anyone tell me the difference between a hollandaise and a béarnaise sauce? (No one can.)
MonicaI can.
The Cooking TeacherOk, go ahead.
MonicaWell umm, they both have a egg yolk and butter base, but a béarnaise um has shallots, chervil, and most importantly tarragon.
The Cooking TeacherOh, that's very good, what's your name?
The Cooking TeacherMonica, you go to the head of the class.
MonicaOk. (Does so.) Ross and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are unpacking and setting up their new purchases. RachelAll this stuff takes up a lot of room. Hey how uh, how serious are you about keeping Ben in your life?
RossMy son? Pretty serious. (There's a knock on the door and Ross answers it.) Oh hey Katie! (The cashier from before) What uh, what're you doing here?
KatieWell, the delivery went out to you and I realized they forgot this. (A blanket.)
RossAh, must've been fairly obvious since it was the only thing left in your store.
KatieListen, to be honest, home deliveries are really a part of my job description.
RossOh. (Reaches into his pocket for some money as Rachel enters the living room and watches holding two stuffed dinosaurs.)
KatieOh uh...I actually came here to ask you out.
RossOh! Wow! Uh, yeah! Sounds great. Um, I'm just gonna, put this (The money) back in my pocket, pretend that didn't happen. Uh yeah, actually I'm free now. You wanna grab some coffee or...
RachelHorny bitch. (Noticing they both look at her, pretending that the dinosaurs she's holding are arguing.) No! You're a horny bitch! Noooo! You're a horny bitch! No! You're a horny bitch! I'm sorry, oh so you guys have a good time.
Ross(To Katie) Yeah I'm just gonna grab my coat. And uh, and my whip. (Katie looks worried.) You know because of Indiana Jones? (Katie laughs) Not-not because I'm-I'm into S&M. (Katie's worried again.) I'm not-I'm not into anything weird. You know? Just-just normal sex. (Katie is uncomfortable.) So, I'm gonna grab my coat. (Does so, leaving Katie and Rachel alone.)
RachelSo, you had a good day huh? Big commission; picked up a daddy.
KatieAre you ok with this?
RachelOh yeah! Yeah please, you guys have fun.
KatieOk. It was nice to see you.
RachelOh and it was great to see you too. And you look fantastic, although you missed a button.
KatieOh, umm, actually I umm...
RachelOh ok, I see what you're doing there. Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Phoebe are entering. ChandlerI can't even believe this! I really come off that badly?
PhoebeOh! It's ok, you calm down after a while and then people can see how really sweet and wonderful you really are.
ChandlerOh good. Good, because I'm sure this interview is gonna last a couple of weeks.
PhoebeAll right, don't freak out! Ok? I-I will help you. How long before you have to leave?
ChandlerAn hour.
PhoebeI can't help you.
PhoebeAll right, all right, we'll just do our best. Ok? So let's say that I'm the interviewer and I'm meeting you for the first time. Ok. "Hi! Come on in, I'm uh, Regina Philange."
ChandlerChandler Bing.
PhoebeOh, Bing, what an unusual name.
ChandlerWell you should meet my uncle, Bada. (Pause) I'll let myself out. The Cooking Class, Joey is trying to cook as the teacher walks over to him. JoeyHi.
The Cooking TeacherYour Fettuccini Alfredo looks a little dry, did you use all your cheese?
JoeyWhen you say used, you mean eat as a pre-cooking snack?
The Cooking TeacherAnd the cream?
JoeyCheese makes me thirsty.
The Cooking TeacherOk. Let's move on.
JoeyAll right.
The Cooking Teacher(To Monica) Oh! Something smells good over at Monica's station! (She tries Monica's fettuccini.) Oh my God! This is absolutely amazing! You've never made this before?
MonicaOh no! I don't know anything about cooking. I had to ask someone what it's called when the, when the water makes those little bubbles.
The Cooking TeacherUhm, hats off to the chef.
MonicaI-I-I'm sorry, your-your mouth was full, I didn't hear what you said. Umm, hats off to who now?
The Cooking TeacherThe chef!
MonicaThat's right. Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Phoebe are still working on his interviewing techniques. Chandler...I think you'll find if I come to work here, that I don't micro-manage. I don't shy away from delegating.
PhoebeUm-hmm, that's good to know. But let's stop focusing on what you don't do, and focusing on what you do do.
Chandler(suppressing a smile) What I do do...is manage to uh, create an atmosphere of support for the people working with me.
PhoebeI see. Nice sidestep on the do do thing by the way.
ChandlerHardest thing I've ever done in my life.
PhoebeOh you gotta go!
ChandlerOh! (Stands up.)
PhoebeOk, don't worry. You're ready.
PhoebeAbsolutely! Just fight all your natural instincts and you'll be great.
ChandlerOk. The Cooking Class, everyone has finished baking a batch of cookies and the teacher is going around tasting them. JoeyMonica, check these out!
Monica(turns around) Those look like cookies!
JoeyI know. Yeah I made 'em all by myself. I-I mixed the ingredients. I put 'em in the oven I took them out. Granted I should've used the oven mitts but still.
The Cooking TeacherAh Monica, my star student.
MonicaYou know, you called me that before so I-I took the liberty of fashioning a star out of aluminum foil. Now, no pressure, you like my cookies, you give me the star. (Hands it to her.)
The Cooking Teacher(tasting the cookie and with her mouthful) Oh, yum-yum-yum. (Hands the star back.)
MonicaWow! A star! (The class glares at her.) I know you all hate me and-and I'm sorry, but I don't care.
(The teacher goes to Joey's station.)
The Cooking TeacherOk Joey, you're up next. (Tries one of his cookies.) My God, this is amazing! You get an A!
JoeyI get an A? In-in school? (To Joey) Hey, I'm a dork.
MonicaJoey! I'm so proud of you!
The Cooking TeacherI think you should give him your star.
MonicaExcuse me? He doesn't even know what he's doing!
The Cooking TeacherWe're all beginners here. Nobody knows what they're doing.
MonicaI do! I'm a professional chef! (The class gasps.) Oh relax! It's not a courtroom drama!
The Cooking TeacherIf you're a professional chef, what're you doing taking Introduction to Cooking?
MonicaI'm-I'm sorry, it's just that umm... Well I-I cook at this restaurant, Alessandro's, and umm I just got a really bad review...
The Cooking TeacherOh Alessandro's! I love that place!
MonicaYou do?
The Cooking TeacherOh yes! You're an excellent chef! As a person you're a little...
MonicaOh, I'm totally crazy, but you-you like the food?
The Cooking TeacherVery much.
MonicaOk then, I don't stink. I'm a good chef. Ok. (Starts to leave.)
JoeyWhoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! I don't wanna go. I'm having fun.
The Cooking TeacherWell actually, did either of you pay for this class?
JoeyHey-hey-hey, if my friend says it's time to go, it's time to go. (Starts to leave, but comes back for his cookies.) An Office Building, Chandler is on his interview. Chandler...also I was the point person on my company's transition from the KL-5 to GR-6 systems.
The InterviewerYou must've had your hands full.
ChandlerThat I did. That I did.
The InterviewerSo let's talk a little bit about your duties.
Chandler(nervous) My duties? (Trying not to crack a joke) All right.
The InterviewerNow you'll be heading a whole division, so you'll have a lot of duties.
Chandler(trying not to laugh) I see.
The InterviewerBut there'll be perhaps 30 people under you so you can dump a certain amount on them.
Chandler(really try not to laugh) Good to know.
The InterviewerWe can go into detail...
ChandlerNo don't I beg of you!
The InterviewerAll right then, we'll have a definite answer for you on Monday, but I think I can say with some confidence, you'll fit in well here.
Chandler(relieved) Really?!
The InterviewerAbsolutely. (They walk to the door.) You can relax; you did great.
ChandlerYeah I gotta say thank you, I was really nervous. You know I've been told I come on too strong, make too many jokes, and then it was really hard to sidestep that duty thing. (The interviewer doesn't understand) Duties. (Still doesn't.) Duties! (Still doesn't.) Poo. (Still doesn't.)
The InterviewerPoo?
ChandlerOh my God this doesn't count! Ok? The interview was over, that was the real Chandler Bing in there, this is just some crazy guy out in the hall! Call security! There's a crazy guy out in the hall!
The InterviewerPoo?!
ChandlerI'll look forward to your call. (Walks away.) Ross and Rachel's, Ross is returning from his date. RossHey.
RachelHi! You're back from your date!
RossHow are you?
RachelI'm fine, but that's not important. What's important is how was she?
RossUhh, it was fun. We, we just had coffee.
RachelOh uh-huh, uh-huh, coffee, a little rub-rub-rub under the table.
RossWhat's uh, what's going on? Do you not, you not like Katie?
RachelNo! No, she's-she was nice. I mean, she's just a little slutty, but who isn't?
RossI liked her.
RachelOf course you did Ross, you would date a gorilla if it called you Indiana Jones!
RossDid you get like a fresh batch of pregnancy hormones today?!
RachelNo! It's just that, Kate bothered me.
RossWhy? What was wrong with her?
RachelUh, there was nothing wrong with her! All right? She was perfectly lovely!
RossOk, so what's the matter?
RachelI don't want you to date her!
Ross(laughs) Why? What, what are you jealous?
RachelYes! And not because I want you to go out with me, but because I don't want you to go out with anybody! Ok? I know it's a terrible thing to even think this, and it's completely inappropriate, but I want you to be at my constant beck and call 24 hours a day! I'm very sorry, but that is just the way that I feel.
RossI won't date. I'll uh, I'll be here, with you, all the time.
RachelReally? But I'm being so unreasonable.
RossTrue, but you're allowed to be unreasonable. You're having our baby.
Rachel(starting to cry) Oh Ross, thank you. Thank you. (They hug.)
RossDo you feel better?
RachelNo, not really. You're pressing the baby into my bladder and now I have to pee. Sorry. (She gets up and starts for the bathroom.)
RossUh Rach?
RachelYeah. (Stops and starts doing the I-have-to-go-to-the-bathroom dance.)
RossJust, just one thing, umm...
RossWe live together. You're-you're having our baby. I'm not gonna see anybody else. Are you-are you sure you don't want something more?
Rachel(pause) Wow! I don't know, maybe. I'm...
RossOh-oh, Rach! I was just messing around! (She's stunned) Like you did last night when I had to pee?
Rachel(laughs) I knew that! I knew that! I was just messing with you too!
Ross(pause) Ok. Ok. Because for a minute you said you...
RachelOh no-no-no-no, no!
Ross...that you actually...
RachelNo that's just-(Laughs)-That's just 'cause I'm such a good messer!
(They both laugh. Ross sits down, but Rachel doesn't move and is lost in thought.)
RossThe bathroom?
RachelRight! (Heads for the bathroom.) The New School, Joey and Monica are walking down a hallway. JoeyWell I had a great time! Learned how to bake, ate great food, that's the first A I've gotten since seventh grade, and, I didn't have to sleep with the teacher this time.
MonicaOh, look! Acting for Beginners! Hey, wanna feel good about yourself?
JoeyWhat the hell!
(They enter.)
The Acting TeacherAll right, let's start with some basics. Can anybody tell me what the difference between upstage and downstage is?
(No one can and Monica looks at Joey expectantly.)
JoeyYeah, this was a stupid idea. (Exits.)

Teleplay by Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones; Story by Dana Klein Borkow; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp