Central Perk, Joey is showing everyone a poster as Ross enters. RossHey! What're you guys looking at?
JoeyOh, it's a poster for that World War I movie that I'm in, check it out.
RossYeah? Wow! It looks really violent!
JoeyUh-huh! I know. I'm coming soon to a theater near you! I'm in THX! I'm unsuitable for children!
RossNow I cannot wait to see this.
JoeyYeah, yeah, it's already generating Oscar buzz.
PhoebeI started that!
JoeyI thought I did! Oh hey, guess what? I just talked to my agent and the premiere is next week and you're all invited! (They all gasp.)
MonicaAre we gonna take a limo?
JoeySure! Why not?!
MonicaOh I love taking limos when nobody died!
RachelWell obviously I won't be able to come, for those of you who haven't checked their calendars, today is my due date.
ChandlerWait, you should come anyway. Maybe you'll have the baby in the limo. That way for the first few moments of her life she'll think we're really fancy.
RachelYou know, I just wanna take a moment and thank you guys for how great you've been during this time. I really couldn't have done it without you. And I have loved these last nine months! And even though I am so looking forward to the next part, I am really gonna miss being pregnant. Central Perk, time lapse, and Rachel is entering still pregnant. RachelThat's right, still no baby! (to two customers) Boy what's the matter? Is the puffy sweaty pregnant lady disturbing your precious coffee time? (To Monica, Joey, and Chandler on the couch) Come on people! Please make some room!
RossUh, sweetie, maybe you'd be more comfortable here? (Gets up from the green armchair.)
RachelYou. Like you haven't done enough.
RossLook, I-I know how miserable you are, I wish there was something I can do. I mean I wish I were a seahorse. (She glares at him) Because with seahorses it's the male, they-they carry the babies. And then also umm, I'd be far away in the sea. (He sits back down.)
(Rachel turns and looks at the group on the couch and they move over. Chandler measures the room they've made with his arm and decides it's not enough and they all move over again.)
RachelGod. (Sits down.) I have never, been so uncomfortable in my entire life!
PhoebeOh I know, I've been there. I remember toward the end...
Rachel(interrupting her) Oh Phoebe, that's a great story. Could you tell it to me when you're getting me some ice tea? (Phoebe gets up and Rachel groans.) (To the baby) Oh God, get out! Get out! Get out! Get out!
ChandlerLet's. (Everyone gets up and leaves Rachel.) Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are there as Rachel enters. ChandlerHey! Did you have the baby yet?
RachelDo you want me to come over there and sit on you? 'Cause I'll do it.
MonicaWhat're you doing here so early?
RachelThey sent me home from work. They were like, "Start your maternity leave now! Just rest, get ready for the baby." Well you know what? Screw 'em! They don't want me there, I'll just hang out with you guys.
PhoebeOr you can do volunteer work.
(Joey's cell phone rings and he answers it.)
EstelleJoey! It's Estelle! Great news, I was able to get you and one guest tickets to your premiere.
JoeyOne guest? You told me I can have six tickets!
EstelleWell, I sold four of 'em on eBay. You'll be sitting next to HotGuy372.
JoeyOh my God. So that's it?! I only get to bring one guest?
EstelleYeah, what time do you wanna pick me up? (Joey hangs up on her.) Hello?
Joey(to Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe) Did you hear that? I only get one extra ticket to my premiere. So somehow I have to pick between you three and Ross.
Rachel(overhearing that) What-what about me?
JoeyYou said you didn't wanna go.
RachelI don't. But I would still like to be acknowledged. What? Just because I'm pregnant I'm invisible?
JoeyDefinitely not invisible.
MonicaWell, you know, Ross didn't care enough to be here, so I think he's out. You know you snooze you lose.
ChandlerHe's not snoozing, he's teaching a class.
MonicaWell then somebody's snoozing. And-and- uh, Joey, not that this uh should affect you at all, but if you were to pick me, I was planning on wearing a sequined dress, cut down to here. (Points to her stomach just above her belly button.)
ChandlerI haven't seen this dress.
MonicaStar in a movie.
PhoebeJoey, you pick who ever you want. Ok? You just listen to your heart. What does it tell you? (Mimicking a heartbeat and tapping her chest.) Phoebe, Phoebe.
JoeyWell uh...I think I wanna take Chandler.
Phoebe(still mimicking a heartbeat, only faster) Phoebe-Phoebe-Phoebe-Phoebe-Burrrrr! (Mimics the sound of a cardiac monitor going off.)
ChandlerYou really wanna take me?
JoeyYeah! Yeah! I mean I'm sorry, I wish I could take everybody, but, you know, Chandler's always supported my career. He's paid for acting classes and head shots and stuff and well this'll be my way of paying you back.
ChandlerSo you're never actually going to pay me back?
MonicaOk, just because he paid for your head shots you're gonna take him? Joey, I don't think you're comprehending just how slutty this dress is!
JoeyIt's not just the stuff he paid for, I mean it's-it's-, it's everything. You know? He, he read lines with me. He-he went with me on auditions when I was really nervous, and-and then he consoled me after I didn't get parts that I really wanted. You always believed in me man. Even, even when I didn't believe in myself.
ChandlerI always knew you were gonna make it. I'm so proud of you.
JoeyThanks. That, that means a lot to me.
(They look at each other and smile for a while.)
PhoebeMon, maybe one of these guys wants to wear your dress.
Joey(in a manly voice) I'm gonna go shave. (Gets up.)
Chandler(in a manly voice) Yeah well, I'm gonna go spit. (He goes into the bedroom. On his way out, Joey gives Rachel a wide berth.)
RachelOh, I have to pee. If I don't come out in five minutes it's just because I've choked to death on the potpourri stink. (Goes into the bathroom.)
PhoebeWhen she comes out, you hold her nose, I'll blow in her mouth, and the kid will just (makes a popping sound) right out of her.
MonicaShe's over a week late! She's gonna have it today, right?
PhoebeI don't know. I-I think it's still gonna be a while.
MonicaHmm, care to make it interesting? I'll bet you that she'll have it by this time tomorrow.
PhoebeYou're on!
MonicaOk, how much?
PhoebeOne hundred thousand dollars!
MonicaHow about fifty bucks?
PhoebeFine! I'll call Zurich and move some money around.
Rachel(calling from the bathroom) All right, who's turn is it to help me get up!
(They both look at each other, then Phoebe gets an idea.)
PhoebeNo one's here! (Monica looks at her.) Oh damn it! The World Premiere of Over There, Joey and Chandler are arriving in a limo and are about to walk down the red carpet. ChandlerThis is so exciting! It's so glamorous! People taking our picture. How do I look?
JoeyA little tall.
JoeyHey would you mind crouching down a little bit, so that I look taller? (Chandler does so) There you go. (And they walk down the red carpet.)
ChandlerIt's just so glamorous. Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is entering, still pregnant. PhoebeOh hey Mon? Rach is here! Ohh, and you're still pregnant. Oh, I'm sorry. I know how uncomfortable you are. You know what? You look great. Yeah, like fifty bucks.
RachelOh, I have to go pee. Apparently this baby thinks that my bladder is a squeeze toy. (Goes to the bathroom.)
MonicaDamn it. Damn it! Here's your fifty bucks! (Pays Phoebe.)
PhoebeIt's interesting that you lost. Now, I forget, do you like to lose?
MonicaAll right stop it! Double or nothing that she has it by tomorrow!
PhoebeFine! You're on!
PhoebeUntil then, General Grant, why don't you set up camp (She puts the bill in her bra) right there.
Ross(entering) Hey is Rachel here? We have a doctor's appointment.
MonicaShe's in the bathroom.
RossRach, we gotta go.
RachelIn a minute!
RossPeople ask me why we're not together, I just don't know what to tell them.
Rachel(entering) All right, all right. Let's go! Oh, wait a minute. (to herself) Do I have to pee again? (waits to tell) No I'm good.
RossUh, you-you wanna go change first? The doctor's keeping the office open late for us, but if you hurry...
RachelNo, I'm fine.
RossReally? You don't think that's a little inappropriate. (She's wearing a tank top and has her belly sticking out.)
PhoebeGood God man don't anger it.
RachelRoss, it is 100 degrees outside. For the first time in weeks, I am somewhat comfortable.
RossFine! Fine! You know what? Whatever you want. Ok? You're the mommy.
RachelOh uh-uh pal! Don't call me mommy! It's bad enough you call your own mother that. (He looks at Monica.)
MonicaI'm actually with her on this one.
RachelCome on Ross, we're gonna be late! (exits)
RossEither of you wanna be Ross? (both Monica and Phoebe nod their head 'no') Inside Joey's Premiere, he is intently watching the movie. Joey(onscreen) "I thought I knew who the enemy was, but it was you all along."
Joey(To Chandler) Ok, this is it. It's my big fight scene coming up. (He looks over and Chandler and notices that he's asleep.) Dr. Long's Office, Ross and Rachel are waiting for the doctor. Ross is drumming his fingers on the bed. RachelRoss.
RachelCan I ask you something?
RachelWhen Carol was pregnant with Ben...
Rachel...were you this irritating?
Rachel'Scuse me?
RossOh nothing. Nothing! You just uh, you've been a little short with me lately. I'm not trying to irritate you.
RachelWell then you just must have a natural talent for it.
RossYou know what? Uh, the doctor will be in soon, why don't we not speak until then.
Rachel(silently) Ok. (Pause) Seriously, breathe louder Ross! That's great!
RossYou know we should probably ask the doctor if she even knows how to deliver a baby that's half human half pure evil!
(Dr. Long enters.)
RachelHi Dr. Long, how are you?
Ross(to Rachel) Oh, you're nice to her.
RachelShe has the drugs!
Dr. LongWe'll do a quick check.
RachelOk. (Rachel lies back.)
Dr. LongSo, eight days late huh?
Dr. LongYou must be getting a little uncomfortable.
RachelEh, just a tad.
Dr. LongYou're about 80 percent effaced, so you're on your way. It still could last a little while longer. If you're anxious there are a few ways to help things along.
RossDo them!
Dr. LongActually, they're things that you can do. Just some home remedies, but in my experience I've found that some of them are very effective.
RachelWell, we are ready to try anything.
Dr. LongOk, there's an herbal tea you can drink.
Dr. LongYou can take some caster oil, there's eating spicy foods...
RachelGreat! We will do all of those.
Dr. Long...taking a long walk,
RachelGood, done!
Dr. Long...and there's the one that's proved most effective: sex.
(Rachel turns and looks at Ross.)
RossYou've got to be kidding me! Joey's Premiere, the movie is ending and it takes the applause to wake up Chandler. ChandlerGood job Joe! Well done! Top notch!
JoeyYou liked it? You really liked it?
ChandlerOh-ho-ho, yeah!
JoeyWhich part exactly?
ChandlerThe whole thing! Can we go?
JoeyOh no-no-no, hold- give-give me some specifics.
ChandlerI love the specifics, the specifics were the best part!
JoeyHey, what about the scene with the kangaroo? Did-did you like that part?
ChandlerI was surprised to see a kangaroo in a World War I epic.
JoeyYou fell asleep! There was no kangaroo! They didn't take any of my suggestions! I can't believe you fell asleep!
ChandlerI can't believe it either. Maybe it didn't happen. Maybe you fell asleep and dreamt the whole thing! And this conversation we're having right now is part of that dream! Wake up Joe! (slaps Joey)
JoeyThanks for coming buddy. I'll see you later. (Starts to walk out.)
ChandlerDon't go! I'm sorry. I'm so sorry! (Sees another guy who is still asleep.) Look! This guy fell asleep! He fell asleep too! Be mad at him! (Looks at him more closely.) Or, call an ambulance. Central Perk, Ross and Rachel are there as Phoebe and Monica enter. MonicaHey!
MonicaWhat did the doctor say? Any news on when the baby's gonna come?
RachelNo. But she did give us some ideas on how to induce labor.
RossYeah, we tried them all. We went for a walk, uh we tried a special tea, caster oil, spicy food, nothing has worked.
RachelWell, there is one thing that we didn't try, but someone thinks that, (mimicking Ross) "That will open up a can of worms."
MonicaWell what is it? What is it? If it's gonna help bring the baby here, like today. I mean, I think you should do it.
RossIt's sex.
MonicaDo it!
MonicaI'm just saying it's been a really long time for you. I mean, women have needs. Do it, get yours!
PhoebeOh I-I-I don't know about that. No, I think that if the two of you had sex the-the-the repercussions would be catastrophic.
MonicaAll right, let's be practical, if Ross isn't willing to do it, he's not the only guy in the world you can have sex with. I mean, You could borrow Chandler-Chandler is good!
RachelOk, ok. Yeah, I don't-I don't think I wanna do that.
MonicaYou sure? I'm-I'm just saying the baby's head isn't getting any smaller. Yowser!
RossMonica, what is the matter with you?
MonicaNothing. I just want the baby to be born today.
RachelWhy? Why today?
MonicaOk fine! I keep betting Phoebe that you're gonna have the baby and, I don't wanna lose again!
RossWhat?! While she's been going through this hell, you've been making money?! You're betting on your friend staying in this misery?! (Phoebe lowers her head and shakes it yes.)
RachelI'll take that bet.
RachelWell, I'm miserable here! I may as well make some money out of it!
RossCan I get some of that action?
MonicaWait a minute! Now I'm betting against all three of you?
RachelOh honey, don't worry. I really do feel like tomorrow it's gonna happen.
MonicaOh, ok!
(Rachel turns her head to Ross and Phoebe and mouths, "No way.") Central Perk. The next day. Monica(counting) 60, 80, 100 (hands money to Phoebe) And 50 (hands money to Rachel)
MonicaAnd 2 (hands Ross some coins)
RossYeah baby! (shakes the coins)
(Monica is disappointed) Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is there as Joey enters. JoeyHey! Sleeping beauty!
ChandlerWhere have you been?! I tried to call you! I wanna talk to you! I still feel so bad!
Joey(in a baby voice) Oh no, were you upset? Did you lose sleep?
ChandlerI'm so sorry.
JoeyUh-huh look, the only reason I came over here was to settle things between us! Ok? You've done a lot for me and my career, I wanted to pay you back by taking you to the premiere but you missed it! Ok, so how much do I owe you?
JoeyGive me a number, I don't wanna owe you anything!
ChandlerYou don't owe me anything, I don't want you money...
JoeyAh-ah-ah! We're doing this! Ok, now you got me my first set of head shots. Right, how much were those?
ChandlerI don't know, uh, five hundred dollars?
JoeyOk, five hundred dollars. What else?
ChandlerWell then there was the second set, the infamous booger head shots.
JoeyOk, so that's another five hundred. That's five hundred and five hundred, that's... (Pauses to figure it out.)
ChandlerYou want a calculator?
ChandlerHere! (Hands him one. Joey adds it up and discovers that he was right.)
JoeyAll right, what else?
ChandlerWell uh, there was acting classes, stage combat classes, tap classes...
JoeyWhich we're still keeping under our hats!
ChandlerUh then there was that dialect coach who helped you with that play where you needed a southern accent. Which after twenty hours of lessons still came out Jamaican.
JoeyWhat the hell are you talking about, "The south will rise again man."
ChandlerYes, money well spent!
JoeyYeah. Ok, what else? Rent!
ChandlerOk, uh, two, three years of rent, utilities, food...
JoeyOk. Ok, so I'm writing you a check for...So you fell asleep during my movie. Big deal right? How do you clear this thing? Ross and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are trying the home remedies again. RossCome on, finish your enchilada.
RachelRoss I-We tried all the spicy food. It's not working.
RossOk here, have one of these peppers. Oh oh ha... Oh God! So...so hot! (Rubs his eyes.) Oh my-(Laughs.) By the way, you don't wanna touch the pepper and then touch your eye.
RachelI am feeling nothing. Speaking of hot, watching you do that really makes me wanna have sex with you.
RossStop it.
RachelOh come on Ross, why are we wasting our time with all this other stuff?! We know what's gonna work! It's doctor recommended!
RossI'm sorry, but we have to have some boundaries! My God, I'm dying.
RachelOh come on, Ross, I mean we've done it before we'll do it again, it'll be a nice way to bookend the pregnancy.
RossThis is insane, I'm not gonna make love to you just so you'll go into labor.
RachelMake love? What, are you a girl?
RossAlways a great way to get into a man's pants.
RachelBut you will, you will be performing a service. Ok? Just-just think of me as a ketchup bottle, you know you-you sometimes have to bang on the end of it just to get something to come out.
RossI love when you talk dirty to me.
RachelOh, I know it. You're right. That's not sexy. Oh...Oh! (Drops a fork on the floor.) Whoops! Oh, I seem to have dropped my fork. Let me just bend over and get it. (Tries too, but can't quite seem to make it.) Oh God!
RossOk, enough! This is, this is not going to happen.
RachelOh come on Ross! I'm miserable here! Come on! You started this, now you finish it! Come on wuss, make love to me.
RossYou know what?
RossForget it.
RachelOh, wow! What now Ross you're not gonna talk? How on earth will you ever annoy me? Oh wait a minute, I know. (Mimics his breathing.) I mean you'd think the damn jalapeño would've cleared up your sinuses, but no! That's not enough... (Ross jumps over and kisses her.) What are you doing?!
RossI'm getting that baby out of you!
(They kiss again.)
Rachel(breaking the kiss) Oh God!
RossOh, I know.
RachelOh no. No-no! I think my water just broke.
RossI am good. Ok! Ok! Uh, I-I got the pillow! Uh I got the bag! You got the keys?
RachelI got the keys! Ok! Ok!
RossWe're having a baby.
(They hug and then kiss one more time.)
RachelI didn't uh, really have time to read this part of the books, but do you think do you think we have time...
RossNot so much.
RachelOk. Monica and Chandler's, Monica is paying Phoebe. MonicaTwo hundred.
PhoebeThank you!
MonicaThat's it. I'm done. I don't care when the baby comes, no more betting.
(The phone rings and Monica answers it.)
MonicaHello? (Listens) Uh-huh. (Listens) Uh-huh. (Listens) Ok. (Hangs up.) I guess we can bet one more time.
PhoebeIs Rachel having the baby?
MonicaHow did you know that?! (Runs to yell at Joey's apartment.) Joey! Chandler! It's time!
PhoebeThey're at the coffee house.
MonicaYou know everything! Oh wait, double or nothing. I bet you the baby is over seven pounds. (Phoebe isn't interested.) I bet you it has hair. (She's still not interested.) I bet you it's a girl.
PhoebeWe know it's a girl! (Exits.)
Monica(following her) I'll give you really good odds.

Written by Shana Goldberg-Meehan; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp