The Hospital, Ross and Rachel, who's in a wheelchair, are arriving in the waiting room for the maternity ward. RossAll right! (Checking his watch) Yes! From home to the hospital in under seven minutes! We did it!
Rachel(deadpan) Yes, the hard part is truly over.
RossNo, but come on, we're off to a great start aren't we? I knew I'd get you here faster, but this's gotta be some kind of record!
(Phoebe and Monica walk in from getting some coffee.)
PhoebeOh you made it!
RachelHi! (Ross is stunned.)
MonicaHow're you doing?
RossWait a minute! How-how the hell did you beat us here?
MonicaWe took a cab. Did you guys walk?
RossN... No! We took a cab too, but I,I did test runs!
(Chandler and Joey enter from the vending machines carrying sodas.)
ChandlerHi!
JoeyHey! You made it!
RossOk, is there...some kind of magic tunnel to this hospital?!
RachelOk. Ross, you stay here and talk, I'm gonna go have a baby.
RossOk. Ok. (To the nurse behind the desk.) Umm hi, this is Rachel Green. I'm Ross Geller. We-we called from the car.
NurseRight! We have a semi-private labor room waiting for you. So in just a minute...
Rachel(interrupting her) Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! I'm sorry, semi-private? We (Laughs), we asked for a private room.
NurseYes, I see that here. Unfortunately we can't guarantee a private room and currently they're all unavailable.
ChandlerMan, if only you'd gotten here sooner. (Ross turns and glares at him.)
NurseI'm sorry. Semi-private rooms are all we have.
RachelOk. Uh, just give us a second. Ross! (They walk away from the desk.)
RossYeah?
RachelGive her some money.
RossI really think they're out of rooms.
RachelThey're not! Ross, they're just saving them for the important people! Ok?! What-what if I was the president?
RossWell then we'd be in a lot of trouble, you don't know where any countries are. (Rachel glares at him.) Ok. (He goes over to the desk followed by Rachel.) Uh, say would you umm... Would you mind checking again, see if any umm, private rooms may have (Handing her some money) opened up?
NurseThis is A hospital.
RachelUh-ha, ok, I see. Can we please talk to the manager?
NurseThere is no manager, just nurses, doctors, and semi-private rooms.
Rachel(standing up) Ok. You know what? I'd have to say I don't really care for your tone. And this is not the only hospital in this city and we have no problem to- Whoa! (She starts a contraction) Oh gosh! Whoa!
RossWhat-what?
RachelOw! Ow! Contraction. (Sits back down.) Ow-ow! Ow-ow! (Starts breathing heavily.)
NurseWould you like to see a semi-private room?
RachelYeah, it couldn't hurt to look. The Semi-Private Labor Room, Rachel is in bed, Ross is fooling around, and Dr. Long is checking on Rachel. Dr. LongWell you're only two centimeters dilated and we need to get to ten. It'll be a while.
RachelOh, ok.
Dr. LongI'll be back in an hour to check you again.
RossThank you.
RachelThank you. Oh, wait Dr. Long, can I ask you something? Is labor really as painful as everybody says it is?
Dr. LongOh, look at that. My beeper's going crazy. (exits.)
RossHey, don't... You-you know what? You're gonna be fine.
RachelWell, I guess we have some time to kill.
RossYeah, guess so. Whew! Check these out! (He's looking at the stirrups on the other bed in the room and Rachel groans. Ross then hops into the bed and puts his legs into the stirrups.) Never done this before. Don't feel good.
RachelYeah well it looks great!
(A nurse shows another couple into the room.)
ManThank you very much. I think we're ready to-
(They stop when they see Ross who has to struggle to get out of the bed.)
RossHi! I'm uh I'm Ross. I'm here to ruin this magical day for you.
ManOh no-no, not at all.
WomanDon't worry about it.
ManMarc Coreger, this is my wife Julie.
RossHi Julie.
JulieHi.
RossThis is Rachel. (Points at her.)
RachelHi!
MarcOh hi Rachel.
RachelHow are you?
JulieHi. Is this your first?
RachelYeah it is.
JulieWell, little Jamie here is our third. So, if you have questions or you need anything at all, just holler.
RachelThat's so sweet.
RossYeah.
RachelOh.
RossUmm say, I-I opened this earlier (The privacy screen) but let me give you guys some privacy.
MarcNo nonsense! We're all in this together.
JulieYeah, we are gonna share every moment of this with you. And I think we're gonna have some fun.
MarcYeah.
RossOh, ok.
MarcHey! Smile! (Points his camera at Ross and Rachel.)
RachelOh no, I really don't want any (He takes the picture) Oh! Thank you. Oh. Oh Ross...
RossWhat?
RachelHere comes another contraction.
RossOh. Ok, just breathe.
JulieOh honey, I think I'm having one too!
(During the mutual contraction Julie takes a moment to point out they're having a contraction at the same time.)
MarcLook at this! (Takes another picture) There we go! One more! (Takes another picture) The Waiting Room, the rest of the gang is lounging around. Phoebe(looking at the clock) Oh, wow, three hours and still no baby. Ugh, the miracle of birth sure is a snoozefest.
MonicaHey, you wanna see something?
PhoebeSure! What?
MonicaOk, umm, this is gonna be fun. Watch me freak out Chandler. (To Chandler) Honey?
ChandlerYeah?
MonicaListen, uh, I-I've been doing some thinking, and I don't know whether it's because we're here or Rachel's giving birth but umm, I think we should try to have a baby.
ChandlerOk.
Monica(freaking out) What-what-what's that now?!
ChandlerOk. I've been thinking about it too, and I, I think we're ready.
MonicaWhat?! Are you kidding me?! You-you-you think we're ready to have a baby now?!
PhoebeHuh, this is fun.
JoeyYou're ready to have a baby? My boy's all grown up!
ChandlerAnd you said you were ready too.
MonicaYeah but I was just screwing with you to try to get your voice all high and weird like mine is now!
ChandlerYes, but haven't you wanted a kid like forever?
MonicaYeah. But no one ever wanted to have one with me. I mean, ok- now I guess- could have a baby if I want to? What're you doing to me?!
ChandlerI'm sorry I brought it up...?
MonicaOk, just back off mister! (Pause) 'Cause I am ready to have a baby. I just want Joey to be the father.
Joey(voice all high and weird) What?! Are you crazy?!
MonicaThat's it! Right there is all I wanted! The Semi-Private Labor Room, time lapse, Ross is massaging out a cramp on Rachel's hip as Marc opens up the privacy screen. MarcI am so sorry. The doctor insisted on closing the curtain for the exam.
RachelOh, that's very really very very ok.
MarcJulie's cervix is dilated at seven centimeters, that's about four fingers. The doctor let me feel it myself.
JulieHave you felt Rachel's cervix Ross?
Rachel(simultaneously as Ross) No, I don't think we'll be doing that.
Ross(simultaneously as Rachel) We're not gonna do that.
JulieWell, if you like you can feel Rachel's and then feel mine to compare.
Mrs. Geller(entering) Am I interrupting?
RossUh yes! Thank you.
RachelOh. Oh wait no.
Ross(to Rachel) Later.
RachelNo-no, well you can't leave me alone with these people.
RossOh uh, I'm sorry. (Runs out.)
RachelNo Ross! Ross! Ross! My child has no father! The Hallway, Ross comes out and hugs Mrs. Geller. RossHi! I'm so glad you're here, but it's gonna be a while. I-I wished you'd called first.
Mrs. GellerOh that's all right, I'm coming back later with your father.
RossOh good.
Mrs. GellerI actually needed to talk to you before the birth.
RossOk, what's up?
Mrs. GellerRoss, I want to talk to you as your mother. Even though I know that you and I are also very close friends.
RossI-I really don't know what you're talking about, but ok.
Mrs. GellerI brought something that I want to give you, assuming of course that you want it. (She holds up an engagement ring.)
RossMa, you're asking me to marry you?
Mrs. GellerThis is your grandmother's engagement ring, I want you to give it to Rachel.
RossMom, no, come on! Thank you.
Mrs. GellerJust hear me out!
RossN-no! Ok? We've been through this! We're not gonna get married just because she's pregnant, ok?
Mrs. GellerHonestly! Ross, this isn't just some girl you picked up in a bar and humped.
RossYou think young people use that word more than we actually do.
Mrs. GellerRoss, a child should have a family.
RossMom, you know what? I-I can't deal with this right now. I'm sorry... Go, hey, go talk to Monica. Oh, she got a new haircut. You'll hate it.
Mrs. GellerJust... think about it. If you don't, I'll talk more about humping.
RossGimme! (Takes the ring and puts it in his coat pocket as Rachel enters the hallway.)
RachelHi!
Mrs. GellerHi dear!
RachelOh, thank you so much for coming. Ross, get in here!
(Mrs. Geller leaves as Ross re-enters the room.) The Waiting Room. Chandler(To Joey) Hey you wanna see something funny? (To Monica) (Pretending the magazine he's holding is a baby) Monica? Goo-goo-goo...
MonicaOk, all right, stop it, you're freaking me out.
JoeyDo it again, do it again.
Ross(Enters the hallway) Hey! Rachel had the baby!
ChandlerWhat!?
PhoebeReally?!
RossNo. I don't know why I thought that'd be funny. (To Monica) Uh, you said "hi" to mom before she left, right?
MonicaI thought that was her! Yeah, I called her name and she ducked into a stairwell.
RossWell, you know what, consider yourself lucky. Ok, she pulled me out of the labor room to ask me why I'm not with Rachel.
MonicaOh, my God.
ChandlerAnnoying.
PhoebeYeah. (Pause) Why aren't you with Rachel?
RossAre you kidding? Right? Look, we're not gonna get together just because we're having this baby. And I know. She's just not some girl I humped.
JoeyHumped? Come on, Ross...
PhoebeBut you know what? It just seems that you two belong together.
RossOk, stop it! I can't deal with this right now. I have to go have a baby.
PhoebeRight. And with who again? (Ross exits.)
JoeyGod. He's crazy! Why doesn't he wanna be with Rachel?
MonicaI know!
JoeyI mean seriously, she's like the perfect woman. I mean I know she turned me down, but if she hadn't and she wanted to be with me, I would take her in my arms and... (Realizes everyone is staring.) I haven't bummed you guys out like this in a while have I? The Semi-Private Labor Room, Ross is returning to find another couple has taken the place of Marc and Julie. Ross(To Rachel) Hey. Who's that?
RachelNew people.
RossWhat happened to the Disgustingtons?
RachelThey're having their baby! It's not fair Ross I got here first! Right after you left they wheeled her off into delivery. Oh but not before she gave me a nice juicy shot of little Jamie just crowning away.
RossWow! Sorry. So uh, how are the new people?
RachelWell they have uh, some unusual pet names for each other. Including umm, evil bitch and uh, sick bastard. Oh Gosh oh! Contraction!
RossYeah? Ok. Ok, just breathe.
RachelOoh! Ow!
Evil BitchAre you looking at her?!
Sick BastardNo!
Evil BitchDon't you look at her you sick bastard!
Sick BastardHoney I swear! I wasn't looking at her!
Evil BitchShe's in labor! You like that you sick son of a bitch!
RossUmm, I'm just gonna (Closes the privacy screen.)
Evil BitchSee? See? It was because you were looking you fat pervert!
RossNo-no, I'm...I'm sure no one was looking. Just want some privacy. (He closes the screen and stares wide-eyed at Rachel.)
Evil BitchYou miss your girlfriend?
RossJust ignore them.
(Sick Bastard sits down in a chair that enables him to look around the screen and stare at Rachel.)
RachelRoss.
RossWhat? What?
RachelHe's looking at me.
Ross(to him) Hey! You wanna live to see your baby?!
Evil BitchDon't you talk to my husband like that you stupid bastard!
(Ross shrugs his shoulders to Rachel and Sick Bastard closes the screen all the way.) Outside the Nursery, Chandler is looking at the babies as Monica walks up. MonicaOh good God! If you want a baby so bad just go steal it! (The nurse attending to the babies hears this, turns and stares at Chandler.
ChandlerOh, don't worry! These babies are far too ugly for us. (Chandler moves Monica to the side and away from the nurse.)
MonicaWhat is going on with you? Since when are you so crazy about babies?
ChandlerI'm not crazy about babies. I'm crazy about us.
MonicaWhat?
ChandlerLook, we've always talked about having babies someday. I'm not saying it has to be right now, but I'm starting to think that we can handle it. We're good. We're really good.
MonicaWe are pretty good.
ChandlerBut nothing has to happen till you're ready.
MonicaWell maybe I'm ready, now. I mean, it's a little scary, but maybe it's right.
ChandlerWhat?! It's not right! We're not ready to have a kid now!
MonicaWhat?!
ChandlerI'm kidding. This is gonna be fun.
MonicaSo we're gonna try? I mean, are we trying?
ChandlerWe're trying to get pregnant. (They start kissing, but Chandler stops it.) You know I'm not really comfortable doing this in front of the babies. So, when do you wanna start trying?
MonicaAll right, hold on a sec.
ChandlerPeriod math?
MonicaYeah.
ChandlerYeah.
MonicaWell, we could start trying. Now.
ChandlerRight here?
MonicaNo, not here. Maybe here.
ChandlerWait a minute, it's perfect. We got a lot of time to kill and we're in a building that's full of beds!
MonicaAnd it's so clean!
(They run off in search of a bed.) The Vending Machines, Phoebe is buying a soda and Joey is shaking the candy machine. JoeyCome on you stupid machine! Come on!
PhoebeOh, it ate your money?
Joey(looking at her) No.
PhoebeAll right, I'll see you downstairs then.
JoeyAll right.
PhoebeAll right.
JoeyHey I got one! I got one!
[Cut to the elevator lobby, Phoebe walks up and sees a man in a wheelchair with his broken leg extended.]
ManHi!
PhoebeHi.
ManOh uh, up or down?
PhoebeOh down, please. (The guy tries to reach the button, but can't.) I-I hate to be a ball buster but can I just do it? (She pushes the button.)
ManCould you press up too?
PhoebeSure! I feel so bad for you; I broke my leg once too.
ManYeah? How'd yours happen?
PhoebeWell, it's a long story. It's kind of embarrassing. Let's just say there was a typographical error with a sex manual. (The guy laughs.) How about you?
ManCar accident.
PhoebeOh.
ManOh, let me guess some idiot on a cellphone wasn't paying attention?
ManYeah. Me.
PhoebeOops, sorry.
ManOh, no, no, don't be. Uh, nobody else got hurt, I was pretty lucky.
PhoebeWell I for one, am glad you made it.
ManAre you sure? I mean, you don't know me. I could've been sent from another planet to destroy earth.
PhoebeCouldn't press the "down" button, I think earth is ok.
Man(The elevator door opens.) Oh hey, that's me. (Rolls onto the elevator.) Hey uh, I take it you're just visiting someone.
PhoebeUh-huh, yeah.
ManWell umm, if you have sometime you know and maybe you might wanna visit someone else...
PhoebeOh yeah! I-I would like that.
ManI'm in the middle... (The elevator door closes, cutting him off.)
PhoebeWait! What?! No! Elevator! No!
Joey(standing behind her) Uh, you gotta press the button. (Does so.) The Semi-Private Labor Room, Evil Bitch and Sick Bastard are gone and Ross has just finished talking to a nurse as Rachel stands and stretches. RossThe nurse said they're bringing in another woman.
RachelUgh, is she pregnant yet? She doesn't need to be; she'll still have the baby before I do. Oh Ross, another contraction! (Leans back on Ross for some support.)
RossOh ok, uh here-here. That's it. That's it.
(The next couple enters.)
WomanOooh, that sounded like a bad one.
RachelYeah it was.
WomanMine haven't been so bad. Oh! Here comes one now. (Hums then squeals a little bit.) Oh, that was a big one!
ManThat was like the biggest one yet. Are you ok honey?
WomanI'm ok honey.
RachelWell I got some bad news. It gets worse. And when you get to the end, they get really big, and they come, like, every minute.
WomanWell, mine are pretty close together. I think... (Has another "contraction") Excuse me.
RachelYeah, that's quite alright.
WomanOh, by the way, my name's Johanna. What's yours?
(Rachel motions for Ross to close the privacy screen, which he does.) Another Waiting Room, Phoebe and Joey are trying to find out where the guy with the broken leg is. Phoebe(to the nurse) 'Scuse me? Could you help me with something? I'm looking for a man. Well, who isn't, huh? (off the nurse's glare) You, you aren't. Good for you. Anyway, um, the-the patient I'm looking for has a broken leg and he is in a wheelchair. And umm, he's like early to mid-thirties, very attractive. Even you would think so.
NurseI think I know who you're talking about.
PhoebeOh yay! Great! Ok, what room number is he in?
NurseI'm sorry. Patient information is confidential.
PhoebeNo, no, I'm-I'm no gonna bother him or anything. We were talking earlier...
NurseMa'am, I'm sorry, that information is restricted to hospital staff...
Joey(walks up) Uh, she's with me. (Introduces himself) Dr. Drake Ramoray.
NurseDr. Drake who?
JoeyRamoray. It's Portuguese. We need that information; I'm a doctor.
NurseA doctor at this hospital?
JoeyDamn it woman we're losing precious time! Now do you want this man's blood on your head?
PhoebeHands.
JoeyHands! It is absolutely essential that you tell me what room the man my assistant described is staying in. He's a patient of mine, I've been treating him for years!
NurseHe's in room 816.
Joey816, thank you!
PhoebeThank you. (Starts to exit.)
(Joey starts to leave, but stops.)
JoeyAnd what is his name?
Phoebe(coming back for Joey) No! (Grabs Joey and drags him away.) An Empty Hospital Room, Chandler and Monica enter. MonicaI think we found a place.
ChandlerOk. (They start kissing.)
MonicaUmm, wait! Do you wanna set the mood a little?
ChandlerOh. (in a weird, dark voice) Hello, Monica.
MonicaNot like that.
ChandlerOh. Ok. Uh, we'll dim lights, dim lights. (He goes to the light switch and finds it's not a dimmer switch when he flips the lights off.) Or turn them out all together. Uh, no scented candles. Ok, here. Here we go. (He sprays an aerosol air freshener above her.)
MonicaOk! Ok! Make me sterile, but ok.
(He hops onto the bed and they start making out.)
MonicaOk. That's right-Oh wait! Do we have a condom? (He looks at her.) Oh right! (Laughs and they resume making out when a nurse catches them in the act.)
ChandlerYes, 98.6. You're gonna be fine. Outside Room 816, Phoebe and Joey are approaching. PhoebeOoh, this is it! (Looks in the window.) Oh, that's him! That's him!
JoeyGreat! Go get him.
PhoebeWait a second, or maybe you can go in first.
Joey(looks in the window) He's not really my type.
PhoebeNo, not you, Dr. Drake Ramoray. You can ask him questions and see what's he like. People tell doctors everything.
JoeyBut you said he was this great guy!
PhoebeBut lately all the guys I meet seem really nice at first, then they turn out to be the biggest jerks.
JoeyYou do attract some stinkers.
PhoebeYeah, I know... The Semi-Private Labor Room, Dr. Long is checking on Rachel again. RachelDr. Long, I've been at this for seventeen hours! Three women have come and gone with their babies, you gotta give me some good news! How many centimeters am I dilated? Eight? Nine?
Dr. LongThree.
RossJust three?! I'm dilated three!
Dr. LongWe are moving along, just slowly. (Rachel lies back and sighs.) Don't worry, you're doing great. I'll be back soon. (Exits.)
RossThank you.
RachelHey, you know what? I'm not waiting! I'm gonna push this baby out! I'm doing it! I mean it's what? Three centimeters? That's gotta be like this! (Holds her hands a couple inches apart.) Right?
RossActually it's more like this. (Pushes her hands to less than an inch apart.)
RachelOh stupid metric system!
(Another woman with a nurse and doctor enter, the woman is screaming.)
DoctorOh my. We're gonna need to take you straight to the delivery room.
RachelOh for the love of God!
Woman Giving Birth(yelling from the hallway) It's coming! It's coming!
DoctorAnd here it is! (The baby cries.)
RachelOh come on! Room 816, Dr. Drake Remoray is entering. JoeyHi! I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray and I have a few routine questions I need to ask ya.
ManReally? I've been dealing with Dr. Wells.
JoeyI know, but I'm a neurologist. And just to be on the safe side, Dr. Wells wanted a more comprehensive overview of you status so, he sent me.
ManDr. Wells is a woman.
JoeyThat was a test. Good response. All right, full name.
ManClifford Burnett.
JoeyDate of birth?
CliffNovember 16th, 1968.
JoeyAge?
CliffCan't you figure that out based on my date of birth?
JoeyI'm a doctor Cliff, not a mathematician.
CliffI'm 33.
JoeyOk. And uh, are you married.
CliffNo.
JoeyOh, really? So, 33 and single, would you say you have commitment issues?
CliffAre all the questions this personal?
Joey(checking the list) Yes.
CliffWell, uh if you must know I'm a widower.
JoeyOh, that's terrible. I'm-I'm really sorry.
CliffYeah. I lost my wife five years ago to a myocardial infarction. (Joey is confused) A heart attack, doctor.
JoeyOh, yeah. Myocar.... Um, are you experiencing any dizziness?
CliffNo.
JoeyHas the pain been getting worse?
CliffNo.
JoeyHmm. Do you sleep with women and never call them again?
CliffNo.
JoeyExcellent! Excellent! And uh, finally, are you into any weird stuff you know, sexually?
CliffNo!
JoeyOooh, wrong answer. (Exits.) The Semi-Private Labor Room, they're brining in yet another woman. Nurse(calling to the woman) This room's available.
RachelOk! Ok wait! You listen to me! You listen to me! Since I have been waiting four women, that's four, one higher than the number of centimeters that I am dilated, have come and gone with their babies! I'm next! It's my turn! It's only fair! And if you bring in one more woman and she has her baby before me I'm going to sue you! Not this hospital, I'm gonna sue you! And my husband (points at Ross) he's a lawyer!
RossUh Rach...
RachelGo get back on that case honey!
NurseI don't think the next patient is very far along.
RachelOk, well then bring her in.
(Another nurse wheels the next pregnant woman in.)
WomanOH....MY....GAWD! (Uh-huh, it's Janice.)
(Ross and Rachel are, needless to say, stunned at the arrival of Janice.) The Semi-Private Labor Room, continued from earlier. JaniceI...can't...believe this!
RossAnd yet somehow it's true!
JaniceI mean this is so great! We're gonna be baby buddies! (Does the laugh.)
Ross(To Rachel) Squeeze your legs together and cover the baby's ears!
Man(entering, carrying a pillow) Hi sweetie!
JaniceHi! Hi sweetheart! This is my husband Sid, I don't think you've met him. Ross, Rachel, this is Sid. I nabbed him a year ago at the dermatologist's office. Thank God for adult acne huh? (Does the laugh.)
SidI still can't believe it! I'm the luckiest guy in the world!
Ross(softly) Really?
Sid(to Janice) What'd he say?
JaniceOh you know what? You have to speak very loudly when you're talking to Sid, 'cause he's almost completely deaf.
RachelOh!
RossOh there you go!
RachelOh of course he is!
JaniceSo? Congratulations you two, I didn't even know you got married.
RachelOh we-we didn't.
RossNo-no. We...
JaniceWhat?!
RossUm uh...We're-we're just having this baby together but uh, uh that's all.
JaniceWhy?!
RossUh well umm...we're just not in that place, you know? But we're very excited about this.
JaniceOh. Well then shut me up. (Does the laugh.)
RachelJust tell me how.
JaniceUh-oh, oh, I feel another one coming. (She makes a sound like a goose during the contraction.)
RossSid you lucky deaf bastard. Outside Room 816, Joey is briefing Phoebe on Cliff. PhoebeWhat else? What else?
JoeyUh, well he's 33.
PhoebeOh. Ah-uh.
JoeyA widower.
PhoebeOh.
JoeyHe seemed like a stand up guy. Oh, and he's not into anything weird sexually.
PhoebeEnter Pheebs. (Goes into the room) Another Hospital Room, Chandler and Monica enter and start making out. ChandlerShould we tell Rachel there's an empty private room right next door to hers?
MonicaWe could, or we can have sex in it.
ChandlerWell let me think about that, while I remove my pants!
(They start making out again.)
Monica(lying down on the bed) Ok mister! Fertilize me!
(Suddenly they hear Janice laughing, and it ruins the moment.)
MonicaDoes that sound like Janice?
ChandlerIf it's not, then there's two of them. And that would mean it's the end of the world! The Semi-Private Labor Room, Chandler and Monica are entering to see if they in fact did hear Janice. MonicaHey!
RossHey!
ChandlerHi.
RachelOh hi.
MonicaI can't believe this is taking so long. How are you doing?
RachelOh not bad. You know that feeling when you're trying to blow a Saint Bernard out your ass?
RossAnd soon someone will call her mom.
ChandlerWeirdest thing. Did I hear-(A nurse opens the privacy screen and Chandler sees Janice)-Mother of God it's true!
JaniceChandler Bing!
ChandlerJan-Janice!
RossNot just Janice, Janice in labor, contracting and everything.
JaniceOh, this should be easy. I have a very wide pelvis. You remember Chandler.
Monica(to Chandler) I feel so bad for you. She's your ex, and I have Richard.
ChandlerJanice I didn't even know you were pregnant! Who's the unwitting human whose essence you've stolen?
JaniceIt's you. This is yours.
ChandlerWhat?!
Janice(laughs) Look how nervous he gets! We haven't slept together in years! (Laughs again.)
ChandlerThat's funny. Does it-does it hurt? Does the labor hurt? Room 816, Phoebe is making her move on Cliff. PhoebeOk I got one for you, if you had to, which one would you rather eat, a seeing eye dog or a talking gorilla?
CliffI'd have to say...the talking gorilla, 'cause at least I could explain to him that you're making me eat him.
PhoebeOh, somebody went to college. Wow. (Cliff gets uncomfortable) What is it? I'm sorry. (She moves her arm, which was resting on the same pillow his leg is.)
CliffNo, I'm sorry. It's just my foot itches like crazy.
PhoebeOh, I'll get it. (She gets up and grabs a spoon.)
CliffWow! I usually get to know a girl a little better before I let her spoon me.
PhoebeRelax, it's not like we're forking.
Cliff(while Phoebe is "spooning" him) Oh, oh, oh. (She stops). Thank you. Listen, you seem to really know what to do with utensil. Would you like to go to dinner sometime?
PhoebeYeah, I'd really like that. Yeah! And I promise, I won't make you eat any remarkable animals.
CliffI was thinking... I'd kinda like to make a move. But, you know, with the leg. Maybe a little help?
PhoebeOk. um, let me fix your pillow. (She moves closer, fixes his pillow and Cliff kisses her). Oh, Cliff, you're so forward! (They hug). The Semi-Private Labor Room, Janice is being moved to the delivery room and is screaming in pain. Sid(To Ross & Rachel) It was really nice meeting you.
Janice(From the delivery room) SID!
SidThat's the first time I've heard her voice. I didn't care for it.
RachelOh, that's five Ross. Five women have had five babies! And I have had no babies! Why doesn't she wanna come out?
RossYou know what I think it is? I think you've made such a nice home for her over the last nine months that she just doesn't wanna leave.
RachelOh. Look at you making up crap for me. Oh God! (Starts another contraction as Dr. Long enters.)
Dr. LongTwenty-one hours, you're a hero.
RachelDoctor you gotta do something! I gotta- you gotta give me drugs or you gotta light a fire up in there and just smoke it out.
Dr. LongActually, I think you're ready to go to the delivery room.
RachelWhat?
Dr. LongTen centimeters, you're about to become a mom.
RachelOh my God. Ok. (Another woman enters.) Ha-ha-ha beat ya! Sucker! Room 816, Phoebe and Cliff are eating some pudding with spoons. CliffIs this the same spoon that was in my cast? (Smells it.)
PhoebeYou know what? This one is. (Eats another spoonful of pudding as Cliff sees something on TV.)
CliffOh my God! That's the doctor who was in my room before!
PhoebeHuh. That must be one of those closed circuit in-hospital channels.
CliffNo, no, that's a soap opera.
PhoebeThis is a very dramatic hospital.
CliffI'm telling you! The guy from that show was here in my room, asking me all these w-weird questions.
PhoebeOk, Mr. Percocet.
CliffI swear to you, that's the guy.
PhoebeOk, Cliff, do you really believe that a character from a TV show was here in your room? You know what probably happened, was, you were watching this, and you drifted off to sleep and you dreamed he was in here.
Joey(entering) Rachel's having her baby! (Phoebe turns and looks at him.) Which is of no interest to me, As a neurologist I-.
CliffThat-that's him! You know him?
Phoebe(Claps her hands) Wake up Cliff!
CliffWhat is going on?
PhoebeOk. Ok. I-Ok umm...this...I-I sent my friend Joey in here to find out stuff about you. Umm, if- you know, if it helps you came off great. A lot better than I'm coming off right now.
CliffI don't believe this. You-you got him to pretend he was some fake doctor?
JoeyFake? Excuse me? Hello? (Taps the TV screen.)
CliffAnd then you tried to make me think that I was crazy.
PhoebeYou're right, that was wrong. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's just that I liked you so much. Can we just, can we just start over?
CliffI don't think so.
JoeyUh, if-if I may? Umm-umm look, Cliff, you told me a lot of personal stuff about you, right? And maybe-maybe it would help if-if you knew some personal stuff about her. Uh, she was married to a gay ice dancer. Uh, she gave birth to her brother's triplets. Oh! Oh! Oh! Her-her twin sister used to do porn! Uh...
PhoebeJoey, we're trying to dial down the crazy.
JoeyRight!
PhoebeUmm, look we don't, we don't really know each other so it would be really easy to just forget about this, but there seems to be something between us. And I don't know about you but that doesn't happen to me a lot.
CliffDoesn't happen to me either.
JoeyMe neither.
Phoebe(To Joey) The baby, Rachel!
JoeyRight! Right! Right! (Heads for the door, but stops and watches himself on the show) Oh, I love this scene. (Looks at Phoebe, and walks out)
PhoebeOk, I gotta go too, but uh, oh, what do you say? Can we just have that dinner?
CliffUm, the triplets? You and your brother didn't actually?
PhoebeNo, no, no. They implanted embryos.
CliffThen dinner sounds great!
PhoebeGreat! Ok, alright, then I'll see you later. Ok, my-my friend's having a baby.
CliffHer own?
PhoebeOh, yeah! Yeah. No, no, she's really old-fashioned. The Delivery Room, Rachel is finally giving birth. Dr. LongPush. Push. We're gonna push for five seconds. 5...4...
Rachel3-2-1 oh!
Dr. LongOk, the next contraction should be in about twenty seconds.
RachelI can't. I can't push anymore, I can't.
RossSweetie you're doing great.
RachelOh God twenty seconds my ass!
Dr. LongHere we go! Ok, keep pushing!
RossCome on, come on.
Dr. LongWait! I see something.
RossWhat? You do? You do? (Looks) Oh my God!
RachelDon't say, "Oh my God!" Oh my God what?
RossWhat is that?
Dr. LongIt's the baby's buttock, she's breech.
RossOh thank God, I thought she had two heads.
RachelOh God. Is she gonna be ok?
Dr. LongShe's gonna be fine. Ok, she's in a more difficult position so you're gonna have to push even harder now. Go! Push!
RossGo! Go!
Dr. LongRachel you're gonna have to push even harder, nothing's happening!
RachelI'm sorry, I can't!
RossYes you can!
RachelI can't!
RossHey! Come on! You can! I know you can do this! Let's go!
RachelI can't. Please, you do it for me.
RossNo! Come on let's go! One more time! One final push! Ready? 1...2...3! (Rachel pushes so hard her head snaps up head-butting Ross and knocking him down.)
Dr. LongGood!
Ross(from the floor) Keep pushing!
RachelAre you ok?
RossYou have no idea how much this hurts. (All of the women in the room turn and glare at him.) Keep going! Keep going!
Dr. LongHere we go!
RossOh! Oh! She's upside down but she's coming! She's coming!
RachelOh God!
RossOh! Oh my God oh! Oh my God she's here.
(The newest friend cries.)
RossOh she's...she's perfect.
RachelOh, she's so tiny. (Starts crying) Where'd she go?
RossOh it's ok. They're just-they're just wrapping her up.
RachelOk. Well be careful with her, she's really tiny.
Dr. LongHere she is!
(Dr. Long hands her to Rachel.)
RachelOh hey you. Oh. Thanks for coming out of me. (The baby cries.) I know. Oh. Yeah. Oh, she's looking at me. Hi! I know you.
Dr. LongDo we have a name yet?
RachelNo, not yet.
Dr. LongThat's fine, for now we'll just call her Baby Girl Green.
RachelOh no, Baby Girl Geller-Green.
(Ross and Rachel look into each other's eyes and kiss.)
RachelHello, baby girl. The Recovery Room, Ross is taking pictures of Rachel holding the baby as the rest of the gang enters. PhoebeCan we come in?
RossOh, come on in.
PhoebeHi!
JoeyThere she is!
PhoebeOh, she's so beautiful.
RachelHere. (Hands her to Monica.)
MonicaOh my God! She's amazing. Oh, oh I'm so glad you guys got drunk and had sex!
ChandlerIt's incredible, I mean one minute she's inside you and then 47 hours later here she is.
Joey(taking the baby) She looks so real! (The gang looks at him.) You know what I mean! She's this whole tiny little person. She already has eyelashes and knees and...uh-oh.
RachelWhat?
JoeyOh no-no-no, it's ok, for a second there counted six fingers, but one was from the other hand so we're good.
PhoebeOk, my turn, my turn. (Joey hands her to Phoebe and says "Aunt Phoebe".) Yes. Oh baby. Oh! You're so cute! Oh, I could squeeze your little head! (Pause) I won't.
(Rachel starts crying again.)
MonicaHoney what's the matter?
RachelNothing I'm... Sorry, I just can't stop crying.
RossThe doctor says it's completely normal with all the hormones. Plus, you-you're sleep deprived.
RachelSo? You guys are all sleep deprived. I don't see you weeping because you put your slippers on the wrong feet. Oh God. (Starts to cry harder.)
JoeyWhat's the matter now?
RachelI was reliving it.
PhoebeOhhh. (Hands her back to Rachel.)
ChandlerSo, do you know what you're gonna call her yet?
PhoebeOh, wait a minute it's not gonna be Baby Girl? I thought that was so original!
RossUh actually, we-we've narrowed it down to two names.
RachelYeah, and you know what? I love them both, so why don't you just pick one and that'll be it.
RossWow! Umm, ok uh...everyone...this...is Isabella. (Rachel starts crying.) What?
RachelThat's not her name! I'm sorry, she just doesn't feel like an Isabella.
ChandlerSo then I guess Ferdinand is out.
JoeyWhat was the other one Ross?
RossUmm, Delilah.
RachelOh, great! Suddenly she sounds like a biblical whore.
RossSo, I guess we're back to uh, Baby Girl.
PhoebeYay!
RachelWell what're we gonna do?
MonicaIt's ok honey, you'll find a name.
RossUgh, easy for you to say, you already know what your kids names are gonna be.
ChandlerYou do?
MonicaYeah, I've had 'em picked out since I was fourteen.
ChandlerOh no, it's gonna be named after some snack or baked good isn't it?
RachelWell tell us! What are they?
MonicaUmm, ok. If it's a boy, it's Daniel.
RachelAnd if it's a girl?
MonicaI don't wanna say.
RachelOh, just tell us! We're not gonna want it!
MonicaOk. It's Emma.
Rachel(gasps) Emma! (Looks at the baby and starts to cry.) See? I don't want it. Do you have any other totally perfect names that you're not gonna use?
MonicaTake it.
RachelWhat?
MonicaIt's clearly an Emma.
RachelOh honey, but you love that name.
MonicaYeah, but I love you more. Besides, you know, nothing goes with Bing. So I'm screwed. (Rachel hands Emma to Monica.) Oh. Hi, Emma. Yeah, that's you. You're our little Emma. Oh what's that honey? What? Oh, you want a little cousin? (To Chandler) You want a cousin right now?!
ChandlerDo I look like a giant sperm to all of you, or...? A Janitorial Closet, Monica and Chandler are emerging slowly. ChandlerThat was amazing.
MonicaI know. Oh. Hey, do you realize that we may've just changed our lives forever? We may've started a family. Nine months from now we can be here, having our own baby.
ChandlerAnd if not, we got to do it on a bucket.
MonicaI love you so much.
ChandlerOh, yeah? (They kiss)
MonicaHey? You-you wanna do it again. This time just for us?
ChandlerProbably. The Recovery Room, Rachel is putting Emma down for a nap. Janice(entering) Yoo-hoo! Aaron Litman-Guralnick would like to say hello to his future bride.
RachelOhhh! (Looks at Aaron and recoils in horror.) Wow! He kinda takes your breath away doesn't he?
JaniceHe's a keeper. (Looks at Emma) Aww, look at the little munchkin. Don't you worry, because by the time you're old enough to date him, he's gonna have a different nose. How're you feeling?
RachelOh, I'm fine.
JaniceCan I just say, I-I really admire what you're doing. Just raising her all alone.
RachelOh, I'm not doing it alone. I have Ross.
JaniceOh, sure. Now. But what happens when he meets somebody else and he gets married?
RachelWell then he gets a divorce, it's Ross!
JaniceI'm telling you Rachel, listen to Janice. They all say they're gonna be there until they start their real family.
RachelWell I-That's never gonna happen with Ross.
JaniceOh well that's what I thought about my first husband, now I'm lucky if my kid gets to spend the weekend with her father and the twins and little Ms. New Boobs.
RachelReally?
JaniceI hate to be the one to say it, but honey you two (Her and Emma) are on your own.
RachelWell... That's...you know-That's-We've been alone for the last twenty minutes and we're doing ok. Besides, you know what? I-I-Maybe we won't be alone, 'cause lately I-I-things have been happening between me and Ross, you know? And right before I went into labor, we-we had this kiss. You know? So it might be the...the beginning of something.
Ross(entering) Hey, Janice!
JaniceOh hi!
RossWho's this little guy? (Gasps when he sees Aaron.)
JaniceSay hello to Aaron, your future son-in-law.
RossNo-no. No.
JaniceI'm gonna leave the three of you alone.
RossOk.
JaniceBye. (Exits.)
RossMan! You see the kid on that nose?
RachelUh-huh. (Ross takes off his coat and sets in on a chair.) You know what I was, I was thinking about?
RossHuh?
RachelUmm...that kiss before we left the apartment. That was some-something huh?
RossYeah. Yeah, it really was. But we...we gotta be careful. We...you know, we can't let that happen again, you know?
Rachel(pause) Right.
RossI mean we don't wanna go down that road, do we?
RachelNo! No, of course not. No. That's why I brought it up. (Pause) They didn't have any sodas?
RossOh, my God! I'm sorry, I was talking to this nurse, completely forgot.
Rachel(He goes to get her a soda.) And so it begins. Outside the Nursery, Ross is looking at Emma as Phoebe walks up. PhoebeShe in there?
RossYeah. She's putting her down now, that's her. (Points to the nurse putting Emma down.)
PhoebeIsn't it amazing how every baby is beautiful? Except that one. What is this? A petting zoo? Ooh.
RossLook, look at Emma!
PhoebeI just can't decide who she looks more alike, you or Rachel?
RossOh what're you kidding? She's gorgeous, it's all Rachel.
(Pause)
PhoebeI'm sorry, for the last time, why aren't you two together again? (Silence from Ross.) No, I know. I know, because you're not in that place. Which would be fine, except you totally are.
RossIt's...it's complicated ok?
PhoebeYeah that's true. Yeah, you love her. You always have. You have a child together. There is no right answer.
RossLook, we've been together. Ok? And then apart, and then together, and then apart, and now, we have a baby. (Pause) It's just if-if we got together again and it didn't work out...I can never do that to Emma. I mean she-she came into this world thinking everything-(Starts to cry.) Oh that's...now me. What, do they put something in the water in this place? Since Rachel and I are doing, we're doing really well right now.
PhoebeI know. I know. I know. I know, and if you try to make it more you might wreck it.
RossYeah, exactly.
PhoebeRight. (Pause) Or you might get everything you've wanted since you were fifteen. The Delivery Room, Rachel is in bed as Joey enters. JoeyHey. I just saw a woman breast feeding both of her twins at the same time; it is like a freak show up here. (Notices she's wiping her eyes.) What's the matter?
RachelNothing.
JoeyWhat is it? Hey!
RachelReally it's nothing. I'm just...
JoeyRach come on, what?
RachelI've just been thinking about how, my baby and I are gonna be all alone.
JoeyWhat're you talking about alone? What about Ross?
RachelOh, please, he'll be with this real family, the twins and little Ms. new boobs.
JoeyOk, how long was I watching that woman?
RachelI'm just saying that you know, someday Ross is gonna meet somebody and...he's gonna have his own life. Right?
JoeyYeah, I guess so.
RachelI just never thought I would raise this baby all by myself. Pretty dumb huh?
JoeyHey, you listen to me, listen to me...you are never ever gonna be alone. Ok? I promise I won't let that happen.
RachelJoey. Oh sweetie, what would I do without you?
(They hug.)
JoeyHey, you don't have to worry about that ok?
(Pause)
RachelOh, honey could you grab me my other box of tissues? They're right on that chair under Ross's coat.
JoeySure.
(He moves Ross's coat to get the tissues and the engagement ring box Mrs. Geller gave him falls out of the pocket it was inside. Joey goes to one knee, picks up the box, opens it, and sees that it's an engagement ring.)
JoeyOh my God.
RachelJoey.
(He turns to face Rachel on one knee with the box open.)
Rachel(seeing the ring) Oh my God. (Pause) Ok.
(Joey is stunned.)
[Cut to Ross getting off an elevator carrying a bouquet of flowers and walking down the hall to Rachel's room.]
[Fade to black.]

Part I Written by Scott Silveri, Part II Written by David Crane & Marta Kauffman; Added footage text by Ane Jegstad; Annotated by ncp