Rachel's Room, Joey moves Ross's coat to get the tissues Rachel wants and the engagement ring box Mrs. Geller gave him falls out of the pocket it was inside. Joey goes to one knee, picks up the box, opens it, and sees that it's an engagement ring. RachelJoey.
(He turns to face Rachel on one knee with the box open.)
Rachel(seeing the ring) Oh my God. (Pause) Ok.
(Joey is stunned.)
[Cut to Ross getting of an elevator carrying a bouquet of flowers and walking down the hall to Rachel's room.]
[Cut back into Rachel's room.]
RachelSo uh- I guess we should- make it official huh?
JoeyUh- Look Rach- (Ross enters.) Hey Ross is here! Hey look! It's my good friend Ross. Hey Ross.
RossHey Joey. (To Rachel) Hey you.
RachelHey you.
JoeyHey and look he brought flowers. Oh thanks Ross, I'm really more of a candy kinda guy. (Laughs.)
RossYou're weird today. (He turns to Rachel and Joey puts the ring back.) (To Rachel) Listen I uh, I wanted to talk to you about something.
RachelYeah, actually I kinda need to talk to you too.
RossUh Joey, can you give us just a minute?
JoeyOh, I'm sorry. I meant no.
Monica(entering with everyone else including Mr. Geller) Hi! Hey look who's here!
Mr. GellerWhere's my granddaughter? I've been practicing my magic tricks.
ChandlerHe pulled a quarter out of my ear!
RossHey, where's uh, where's mom?
Mr. GellerShe went to pick up Aunt Liddy.
MonicaOh, Aunt Liddy's coming? That means we get five dollars each!
Mr. GellerSo when do I get to meet Emma and show her this? (Pulls a bouquet of flowers out of his sleeve.)
ChandlerOk. Wow.
RossUh dad, Emma's in the nursery. I'll take you now if you want, but (To Rachel) I really wanna talk to you.
RachelI know, I still need to talk to you.
JoeyOh hey but, before you guys do that (To Rachel) I need to talk to you, and Ross, I need to talk to you.
Phoebe(To Monica) Oh and I need to talk to you.
MonicaAbout what?
PhoebeSee if you know what these guys are talking about. Outside the Nursery, everyone but Rachel is standing and looking into the window. MonicaIsn't she beautiful?
Mr. GellerLook at her, my first grandchild.
RossWhat about Ben?
Mr. GellerWell of course Ben, I meant my first granddaughter. (To Monica, mouths) Wow.
MonicaGod, isn't she beautiful? Doesn't she look just like Rachel?
ChandlerI know everybody keeps saying that, but all I see is Vin Diesel.
MonicaHey, what'd you think our baby would look like?
ChandlerOh God, please you.
ChandlerBut, it'll have my sense of humor.
Phoebe(taking Ross aside) Have umm, have you thought anymore about you and Rachel?
RossOh yeah, actually I was gonna talk to her when you guys all came in the room.
PhoebeYay! That's so exciting! Wow, you could've done that with us there.
RossYeah, right.
PhoebeOh sure, ok, you can touch yourself in front of us but you can't talk to Rachel.
RossWhat?! When have I ever touched myself in front of you guys?
PhoebeOh please! Just before when you were asleep in the lounge! That, you know, that Armenian family was watching you instead of the TV. Oh, that reminds me. That Mr. Hasmeje still has my Game Boy.
Joey(taking Chandler aside) Hey Chandler, can I talk to you for a sec?
JoeyDude I just did something terrible.
ChandlerThat was you?! I thought it was Jack!
JoeyNo! No, that was Jack! Rachel thinks I asked her to marry me!
ChandlerWhat?! Why does she think that?
Joey'Cause it kinda looked like I did.
ChandlerAgain, what?!
JoeyOk well, I was down on one knee with the ring in my hand-
ChandlerAs we all are at some point during the day.
JoeyIt wasn't my ring! It fell out of Ross's jacket! And when I knelt down to pick it up Rachel thought I was proposing!
ChandlerRoss had a ring?! And he was gonna propose?
JoeyI guess.
ChandlerAnd you did it first?! This is gonna kill him! You know how much he loves to propose!
JoeyI know! I know! It's awful.
ChandlerWell, what did she say?
Joey(happily) She said yes.
ChandlerYou're smiling.
Joey (Smiling) No I'm not.
ChandlerYes you are. I can tell by the way your mouth is. (Pause) Does Ross know?
JoeyOh God, what the hell am I gonna tell him?
ChandlerWell maybe you don't have to tell him anything.
JoeyOh, I like that. Yeah-
ChandlerIf you clear things up with Rachel then Ross never needs to find out, but you have to do it now before he hears about it and kicks your ass!
Joey(laughs) Now let's not get carried away. (He walks away as Monica comes over and hugs Chandler from behind.)
MonicaI want a baby.
ChandlerHoney, we've been over this. I need to be facing the other way.
MonicaCome on! Come on, if we have sex again it'll double our chances of getting pregnant. Do you think that closet's still available?
ChandlerI'm so tired. (She starts kissing him.) Yeah ok, but no foreplay.
[Back in front of the nursery window.]
RossDad, seriously! You know you really should see someone about that!
Mr. GellerNoted.
RossI wanna go talk to Rachel for a minute, are you gonna be ok alone for a bit?
Mr. GellerAre you kidding me, I could stay and look at her forever.
Ross(noticing something) Actually uh- (He turns Mr. Geller's head to look at Emma.) Rachel's Room, Phoebe is entering. PhoebeHey!
PhoebeAre you all right?
RachelUhh- I think I just got engaged.
PhoebeOh my God! He did it?
RachelWell- did you know he was gonna ask me?
PhoebeAre you kidding? I'm like the one who talked him into it. I like to think of myself as the puppet master of the group.
RachelAnd you really think this is a good idea?
PhoebeI just talked him into it, don't tell me I have to do you too. I, the puppet master gets tired, people.
RachelOk. I-I don't know! It just doesn't feel right.
PhoebeWhy?! You two are so meant to be together, everybody thinks so.
RachelReally?! Even Ross?
PhoebeEspecially Ross!
Joey(entering) Oh uh, hey Pheebs. Uh you know what? I'll-I'll come back later. (He goes to leave but runs into Ross who's entering.)
RossWow! Kind of uh, kind of a full house here. I guess I'll just- I'll come back. (Ross exits followed by Joey.)
PhoebeThere he goes, your fiancé.
RachelI guess so.
PhoebeAlthough he does play with himself in his sleep.
RachelCan't say I'm surprised. A hallway, Joey and Ross find Mr. Geller with his ear up against a janitor's closet door. RossDad, what're you doing?
Mr. GellerI think there are people in there having sex.
(Ross turns to look at Joey.)
JoeyCan't be me, I'm standing right here.
Mr. GellerWanna peek?
Mr. GellerCome on!
RossYou know what? I don't like you without mom. (To Joey) Come on. (Walks away.)
Joey(To Ross) We're not peeking? (Follows him.)
Mr. GellerWell I'm peeking. (He peeks.) Oh my God!
ChandlerHello sir, you know Monica. Rachel's Room, she is taking the ring out of Ross's jacket, looks at it, and puts it on her finger as Joey enters. JoeyHey, uh, is it ok to come in?
RachelOf course! Oh, Joey, this ring I- it's beautiful! I love it!
JoeyYeah uh look Rach, there's something I gotta tell you.
(There's a knock on the door and a nurse enters carrying Emma.)
NurseHey! Are you ready to try nursing again?
RachelYeah! Hi Emma. Hey, why do you think she won't take my breast?
NurseIt's all right honey, it takes some babies a while to get it, but don't worry. It'll happen.
Joey(watching) Yowsa! (Looks away.)
RachelOk sweetie, you can do it. Just open up and put it in your mouth.
JoeyDear Lord.
RachelI'm sorry honey, what were you saying?
JoeyOh uh-uh yeah, I think that-
RachelOh look, she's pulling away again! Do you think my nipples are too big for her mouth? (Joey gets embarrassed.) She looks scared. Doesn't she look scared?
JoeyYou-you know, I don't really know her.
NurseWhy don't we try massaging the breast to stimulate the flow. (Does so.)
Joey(To God) Are you kidding me?!
RachelIt's so frustrating! Why doesn't she want my breast?!
JoeyI don't know! Maybe she's crazy! (Storms out.) The Lobby, Ross is eating a sandwich as Phoebe rushes up to him. PhoebeOh hey! Wait up!
PhoebeCongratulations! I didn't wanna say anything in front of Joey 'cause I didn't know if he knew yet.
RossWhat, that we had a baby? Uh, let's give him a little credit, although he did eat a piece of plastic fruit earlier.
PhoebeNo! No, that you and Rachel are engaged!
PhoebeOh, it's a secret? Oh goodie! Yes! Oh! We haven't done the secret thing in a long time.
RossNo, no, Rachel and I are not engaged.
PhoebeUm, I think you are.
RossWhat're you talking about? Who told you that?
PhoebeRachel, your betrothed.
RossWe are not engaged.
PhoboeUh that's right, it's a secret. Ok. No, right, you are not engaged. I misunderstood her.
RossPhoebe, there is no secret. Ok? I didn't propose.
PhoebeAre you lying? Is this like that time you tried to convince us that you were a doctor?
Ross(pause) I am a doctor! You know what? I'm just gonna go and-and talk to Rachel myself.
PhoebeAll right, let me too. (They go into her room and see that she's sleeping.) Should we wake her up?
RossNo! No, come on, let her sleep! She's so exhausted.
PhoebeAnd so engaged. (Points to the ring that Rachel is wearing.)
Ross(Mouths "What?!", motions for Phoebe to go outside with him.) Oh my God! She-she thinks we're engaged! Why? Why? Why would she think we're engaged?!
PhoebePerhaps because you gave her an engagement ring? You know Ross, doctors are supposed to be smart.
RossI didn't give her that ring!
PhoebeYou didn't?
PhoebeSo whose ring is it?
RossIt's mine.
PhoebeIs it an engagement ring?
PhoebeBut you didn't give it to her?
PhoebeBut you were going to propose?
PhoebeHuh, I might be losing interest in this.
RossLook. Look, my mom gave me that ring because she wanted me to propose to Rachel, but all I wanted to do is see if she maybe- kinda- wanted ah- to start- things up again.
PhoebeOh, what beautiful lukewarm sentiment.
RossLook, I didn't wanna rush into anything. And it seemed like she didn't want to either. But I don't, I don't understand how-how any of this happened! What? Did she find the ring in my jacket, assume I was gonna propose, throw it on, and-and just start telling people?
PhoebeNo! No, she said you actually proposed to her.
RossWell I didn't! I didn't propose! (Pause) Unless uh- (Pause) Did I? I haven't slept in forty hours and- it does sound like something I would do.
The Janitor's Closet, Chandler and Monica are trying to figure out what to do now. ChandlerLook, we can't stay in here forever.
MonicaOh, I just- I still can't believe that my dad saw us having sex! He didn't make it to one of my piano recitals, but this he sees!
ChandlerThis is ok. We're all adults here; there's nothing to be ashamed of. Now, let's put on our underwear in our pockets and walk out the door. (They do so and find Mr. Geller leaning against a wall stunned.)
MonicaHi dad! I can still call you that right?
Mr. GellerOf course. I'll always be your dad.
ChandlerI just want you to know that what you witnessed in there, that wasn't for fun.
MonicaIt wasn't fun?!
Chandler(To Monica) Why? Why-why-would you-Wh-why- (To Mr. Geller) Look, I just don't want you to think that we're animals who do it whenever we want.
Mr. GellerOh, I don't think that. Before today I never thought of you two having sex at all. It was a simpler time.
MonicaThe truth is, dad, we're-we're trying.
ChandlerTo kill you.
MonicaWhy? Why-why-would you-
ChandlerWe're trying to have a baby.
Mr. GellerWhat?
MonicaYeah, we're trying to get pregnant.
Mr. GellerOh my God! This is so exciting! Well, get back in there! (Points to the closet) I'll guard the door!
MonicaWell, that's-that's ok dad, we-we can wait until later.
Mr. GellerWhoa-whoa-whoa! I don't think so! Aren't you ovulating?
Mr. GellerWell you gotta get at it princess! When your mother and I were trying to conceive you, whenever she was ovulating, bam, we did it. That's how I got my bad hip.
ChandlerThat's funny, this conversation's how I got the bullet hole in my head.
Mr. GellerThis one time I had my knee up on the sink and your mother, she was-
ChandlerSeriously, sir, my brain's all over the wall.
MonicaDad, I don't think we need to hear about the specific positions you and mom had sex.
Mr. GellerYou're right, you're right. This is about your positions. Now, what I saw in the closet is not the optimum position for conceiving a child, although it might feel good.
MonicaI don't feel good right now.
Mr. GellerBut pleasure is important, (To Chandler) and it helps if the woman has an orgasm. You up to the task sailor?
ChandlerOh my God (Wipes his forehead with their underwear and panics) Rachel's Room, Monica is entering. MonicaHey.
RachelHey. Uh, I need to tell you something.
MonicaWell, now's a good time. I'm on my way to have my ears cut off.
RachelJoey asked me to marry him.
RachelJoey proposed to me.
MonicaIs he crazy?! You just had Ross's baby!
RachelWell, I-I said yes.
MonicaWhat?! Are you crazy? You just had Ross's baby!
RachelI'm sensing you won't throw the shower?
MonicaIt's-it's so inappropriate. No, it's worse than that. It's wrong. It's- It is bigger than mine!
RachelI know. Days of Our Lives, thank you very much.
MonicaYou can't marry him!
RachelWhy not? I don't wanna do this alone! And he's such a sweet guy and he loves me so much.
MonicaWell do you love him?
RachelYeah, I mean, whatever.
MonicIf you worry about breaking his heart again, I-I think it's still broken from the last time. I mean, So really, you're just, you know, taking the already broken pieces and breaking them into smaller, more manageable pieces. (Pauses). Ok, forget that. Honey, the question is this- do you really wanna marry Joey?
RachelNo. No, I don't. Could you be a dear and go tell him? A Hallway, Chandler is following Joey. ChandlerYou still haven't told Rachel you weren't really proposing?
JoeyNo! She had the ring on, she seemed so excited, and then she took her breast out.
ChandlerJoey, you have to tell her what's going on! And what did it look like?!
JoeyI didn't look at it. Stupid baby's head was blocking most of it.
ChandlerGo and tell Rachel right now before Ross finds out.
JoeyLook, it's not that easy. She said she wanted to marry me. I don't wanna hurt her.
ChandlerOk, look, just do it gently.
JoeyYou're right. You're right. I-I'll go tell her now before Ross finds out and I'll be gentle. I can do that. I am a gentle person. Oh, by the way. Two people screwing in there (Points to the closet Chandler and Monica were in) if you wanna check that out. Rachel's Room, Ross is entering. RossHey.
RossListen, I um- I heard about the engagement.
RossAnd confused. Rach, sweetie, I-I um- I didn't propose to you.
RachelI know.
RossI don't think you do.
RachelYou didn't propose to me. Joey did.
RossPoor baby, you're so tired. Rach, I didn't propose to you, Joey didn't propose to you, and Chandler didn't propose to you.
RachelUh- you didn't propose to me, Chandler didn't propose to me, but Joey did.
(Joey enters.)
RossJoey proposed to you?
JoeyI can come back.
RossHey, wait! Wait-wait-wait! Joey, did you propose to her?
RachelYes you did!
JoeyActually, technically, I didn't.
RachelWell then why did you give me a ring?
RossWait! Whoa-whoa, you- you gave her the ring?
JoeyNo! No, and I did not ask her to marry me!
RachelYes, you did!
JoeyNo, I didn't!
RachelYes, you did!
JoeyNo, I didn't!
RachelYes, you did! And don't you say, "You didn't!"
RachelHe was right there. He got down on one knee and he proposed.
RossWhoa! You were down on one knee?
JoeyYeah. Yeah, that looks bad. But-but I didn't- I didn't propose!
RossThen what did happen?
RachelYeah, what did happen?
JoeyOk, the ring fell on the floor and I went down to pick it up and you thought I was proposing.
RachelYeah, but you said, "Will you marry me?"
JoeyNo, I didn't!
RachelYes, you did!
JoeyNo, I didn't!
RachelYes, you did-Oh my God you didn't! (Screams) Ah! Well then why didn't you tell me that before?!
JoeyWell I tried, but people kept coming in and then you took your breast out!
RossWhoa! Hey! Whoa-whoa-whoa, you saw her breast?!
Joey(To Ross) I'll tell you about it later. Be cool.
RachelWell then wait Joey, what the hell were you doing with an engagement ring?!
JoeyIt wasn't my ring! It's Ross's ring! That's why I felt so bad Rach, because he was gonna propose.
RachelYou were gonna propose to me?
RossUhh- No.
(An awkward silence follows.)
JoeyWell, this is awkward.
RossBut I-I was going to see if you know, maybe you wanted, start dating again but that- I mean that-that was all, Rach.
JoeyDude, step up! I proposed.
RossNo, you didn't!
JoeyOh that's right. There's a lot going on here and I think I ate some bad fruit earlier.
RachelAll right, so let me just get this clear. (To Joey) You didn't propose. (To Ross) You weren't gonna propose. So this morning I didn't have a boyfriend, and somehow I got dumped twice today.
(There's a knock on the door and the Nurse enters carrying Emma.)
NurseHey, she just woke up! She's hungry. Why don't we give this another try?
JoeyHere we go again.
Ross(To Joey) I can't believe you told her I was gonna propose!
JoeyI can't believe you're not gonna propose!
RossHey, I'm not gonna rush into anything!
JoeyOh yeah, dude, I totally understand. Usually after I have a baby with a woman I like to slow things down!
RachelOh my God!
RachelShe's doing it, Look, she's breastfeeding look!
Joey(looking at the ceiling) Ah, it's beautiful.
NurseI'll come back for her later.
RossThank you. (The nurse exits.)
RachelOh, wow, this feels weird.
RossWh-, good weird?
RachelWonderful weird.
JoeyYou know what you guys? I'm uh, I'm gonna go too. And uh, I'm sorry about everything.
RachelHoney don't worry, it was my mistake.
JoeyNo, Rach, I should've told you sooner. It's just that- Man! That kid is going to town! (Joey makes his awkward exit.)
RachelShe's perfect.
RossWe're so lucky.
RachelWe really are.
RossLook, I-I know it's not a proposal and I don't know where you are, but with everything that's been going on and with Emma and- I've been, I've been feeling-
RachelI know. I know. I'm feeling-
RachelYeah. (Laughs nervously)
RossOk, well, that- Wow, ok, well, umm- then maybe, at least we can, we can talk about us again.
RachelYeah, maybe.
RossWell good, ok. I-I, kinda think you know if we- (Long pause.) you're wearing the ring...
(Long pause.)
RachelWh-what's that?
RossAnd you told Phoebe you were engaged.
RachelI'm sorry, what?
RossWhen you thought Joey proposed, did- did you say yes? Outside the Janitor's Closet, there are people having sex and Mr. Geller is trying to give them some pamphlets. Mr. GellerKids, I spoke to a doctor and picked up this pamphlets on how to get pregnant. (He slides them under the door.)
Monica(walking by with Chandler.) Hey dad!
Mr. Geller(pause) Sorry to bother you again, but could you pass my pamphlets back? (They do so.) Thank you.

Written by Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Annotated by ncp