Continues from No One Proposes - Ross is still next to Rachel. RossYou said you'd marry Joey?
RachelOK, you have to realize, I was exhausted, I was emotional, I would've said yes to anybody. Like that time you and I got married. (Long pause) I'm not helping.
RossSo you said yes to him, and you just had our baby?
RachelThat is right and traditionally the daddy is supposed to give the mummy a present but I am prepared to let that go.
RossSo, when I came in here to see if you wanted to maybe start things up again, you were, engaged to my best friend.
RachelWell (Looks at Ross quizzically) Really? I thought Chandler was your best friend.
RossWell, Chandler's my oldest friend, Joey's my NO! Nah-ah! (points at Rachel)
RachelAh.
Joey(Enters) Hey you guys I'm gonna take off. I just wanted to, say goodbye.
RossRachel said she'd marry you?!
Joey(He looks around the room) This isn't the right room, sorry folks. (leaves) Monica, Phoebe, Joey & Chandler are at Ross & Rachel's waiting for them to come home. MonicaOK, I don't wanna be negative so I'll say that most of the signs you bought are good.
PhoebeNo they ran out of "It's a girl" (the sign says "It's a boy") but I can, I can fix this one, (she writes "not" in between it's and a) See? Uh?
Monica(looking at Chandler sleeping with a balloon in his mouth) So sexy. (to Chandler) Honey.
ChandlerYeah. Do you have a- (pulls the balloon out of his mouth)
MonicaHoney why-why don't you go lie down.
ChandlerNo, no, it's ok, Ross and Rachel will be back soon and then I gotta go to the office (pulls a balloon out of his mouth) Am I producing them?
JoeyWhy're you so tired?
ChandlerI couldn't sleep last night. You know, then I started worrying about this big divisional meeting that I have later today, the more I worried about it the more I couldn't sleep, you know, and I was like, if I fall asleep now, I'll get six hours sleep, but if I fall asleep now, I'll get 5 hours sleep. Not matter what I did, I-I couldn't fall asleep.
JoeyYou know what you should've done, you should have told yourself that little story.
Rachel(enters with Emma) Hi!
EveryoneHi, welcome home!
MonicaPhoebe did the signs.
RachelOh, you guys, thanks for doing this.
PhoebeLook at all the stuff people sent!
RachelOh... AH! (see's a big gorilla stuffed animal) Oh my gosh, look, there's something every mother needs, a giant stuffed gorilla that takes up the entire apartment! What're people think? (reads the card) Oh you guys I love it.
JoeyHey so uh, where's Ross?
RachelUh, he's downstairs getting the rest of the stuff out of the cab.
JoeyUh, is he still mad at us?
RachelWell, you more then me, but he can't stay too mad at me. I mean, I just had his baby.
JoeyThat's not fair! I can't do that.
RachelYeah, I'm-I'm not so sure you should be here when he comes up.
JoeySee this is what I was afraid of, I didn't think I should be here either but somebody (looks at Chandler) said he'd be over it by now.
ChandlerHey, what do I know? I wanted to get a bigger gorilla. Chandler keeps drifting off to sleep at his meeting. Ms. McKennaThe numbers we're seeing in Chicago, New York and London are consistently solid. But many of our field offices have reported disappointing yields. Boston is down, Atlanta is down, Houston is down, I could go on and on but instead of boring you I'll go straight to my forty two point plan.
(Chandler leans over to the man next to him drifting off yet again, realizing he gets back up.)
ChandlerWalter (nods). Phoebe Monica Rachel & Ross at the apartment. PhoebeShe's just so cute! Oh I just wanna bite her ear off and use it and a sucking candy.
MonicaPhoebe! But I could take one of those little feet and put it in a pita pocket.
Ross(comes out from the back room) OK, I put most of the stuff away.
RachelOh, great, the pacifiers?
RossUh, it's in the uh cupboard.
RachelThe burping cloths?
RossLinen closet.
RachelThe diapers?
RossIn the hospital.
PhoebeWow you guys got a hospital? Fancy!
RossNo I-I left the diapers at the hospital! There's, there's some in the bag but I'll run out and get some more.
RachelAlright thanks, oh Ross could you stop by the coffee house and get me a muffin?
RossSure. What kind?
RachelUmm, let me think...What do I want, what d-o I w-a-n-t...
RossPlease, take your time, it's an important decision. Not like, say, I don't know, deciding to marry someone, this is about, a muffin (opens his eyes and acts like its serious)
RachelBlueberry.
RossBlueberry it is.
RachelThank you.
MonicaWow, he's really not letting this go, is he?
RachelGod how long do you think that's gonna last?
PhoebeWell, I don't know, he got over the "we were on a break" thing really quickly.
RachelYou know what? I can't even worry about that right now, 'cause I got the cutie little baby, oh, I can't believe how much I love her, I mean I can't get enough of her, like right now I miss her, I actually, miss her.
PhoebeYou know that's-that's her.
RachelNo, I know, but she's sleeping. You know it's not like when she's awake and I can see her stretch and wiggle. Oh, my God, have you seen her yawn?
MonicaOh it's so cute.
RachelI know. When do you think she's gonna wake up?
PhobeOh, she told me to ring her if she's not up by 11. She has a job interview. (Laughs. Monica and Rachel are not amused) Ok, but the clouds part when she yawns.
RachelOh, God, look at her sleeping, oh, I love her so much, I think I'm gonna wake her up.
PhoebeOh no, Rach, no no, you know you're never, supposed to wake a sleeping baby.
RachelWell I can do whatever I want, I made her, come on, little girl, hi!
(Emma starts crying)
PhoebeI don't wanna say I told you so but she's kinda doing that for me.
RachelOh I'm sorry, oh, mummy's so sorry, go back to sleep, shh shh shh, shh shh! Go back to sleep.
(Emma continues crying in the background)
MonicaBreaks your heart, doesn't it.
PhoebeIt really does. How long do you think we have to stay? Chandlers meeting continues. Ms. McKennaOk if everyone's on board, it's settled, Chandler, (Walter puts his hand on Chandlers hand, Chandler sleeping puts his hand on top of his, he then wakes up and pulls his hand away) Chandler?
ChandlerYeah.
Ms. McKennaAre you on board?
Chandler(not knowing what he's saying yes to) Yes.
Ms. McKennaThen, problem solved. Chandler will be running our office in Tulsa. You're gonna love Oklahoma.
(Chandler smiles and nods then realizes what he's agreed to.) Emma continues crying while Rachel, Monica and Phoebe try different methods to quiet her down. PhoebeWell, alright, we already tried feeding her, changing her, burping her, oh try this one! Go back in time and listen to Phoebe!
MonicaAlright here's something, it says to try holding the baby close to your body and then swing her rapidly from side to side.
RachelOK (starts swinging Emma rapidly and she stops crying)
MonicaIt worked!
RachelOh (happily) oh no just stopped to throw up a little bit. (Emma starts crying again.) Oh come on, what am I gonna do, its been hours and it won't stop crying.
MonicaUmm, "she", Rach, not "it", "she."
RachelYeah, I'm not so sure.
MonicaOh my god, I am losing my mind.
PhoebeYeah, no kidding, all right? This just proves no good can come from having sex with Ross. Ross in Central Perk getting Rachel her muffin. RossHey Gunther, can I get a couple of blueberry muffins to go? (He puts a bag with dippers in it on the counter.)
GuntherDippers huh?
RossYep.
GuntherSo I guess Rachel had you baby?
RossYep, can you believe it?
GuntherNope, I can't even believe she slept with you in the first place.
RossHuh? Oh-oh (laughs) you, you mean like a? Huh?
Joey(Comes in.) Hey. (smiles, Ross just ignores him and turns back round) Ross, I know you're pissed at me, but we have to talk about this.
RossAh actually, uh we don't. (Walks off)
JoeyFine, ok, fine. But I gotta say, technically, I didn't even do anything wrong.
Ross(turns back) What? (angry) You-you didn't do anything wrong?!
JoeyI-I said I didn't technically.
RossOK, let's put aside the fact that you (finger quote-mark gesture) "accidentally" picked up my grandmother's ring and you (again) "accidentally" proposed to Rachel.
JoeyLook, can I just stop you right there for a second? When people do this (finger quote-mark gesture), I don't really know what that means. (Ross just looks at him) You were saying?
RossAnd I can even understand that you couldn't tell Rachel, but why couldn't you tell me, huh? You had all day to and you didn't.
JoeyI know. I should've. (quote-mark gesture) "I'm sorry."
RossNot using it right, Joe.
(He brings his hands in closer to his face then does it again.)
RossI'm gonna go.
JoeyNo, come on! (he grabs his bag so he cant leave) Look, Ross, we have to get past this.
RossGive me the bag.
JoeyNo, look, I don't know what else to do. I said I'm sorry.
RossJoey!
JoeyNow you should scream at me or-or curse me or hit me.
RossI'm not gonna hit you.
JoeyWhy not, you'll feel better, I'll feel better, and you know you want to. I can see it in your eyes.
RossNo, I don't.
JoeyA little bit.
RossNo.
JoeyLittle bit.
RossNo!
Joey(excited) A little bit more.
RossGive me the bag.
JoeyNo, hit me.
RossGive me the bag.
JoeyHit me.
RossJoey, give me the bag.
JoeyHit me!
RossJoe, I'm not kidding.
Joey(interrupting) Hit me, hit me.
RossNo!
Joey(shouts) Hit me! Hit me! Hit me!
(Ross goes crazy and goes to punch him, but Joey gets out of the way and Ross punchs his hand against the pole. Ross then screams from the pain and turns to Gunther, and Gunther has a huge smile on his face.)
RossYou ducked!
JoeyI'm sorry! It was a reflex!
RossOh my god, this-this really hurts!
JoeyI couldn't help it! When a fist comes at your face, you duck! Look! (He goes to punch Ross, expecting him to duck, but he doesn't and Joey punches Ross in the eye. Gunther looks very happy.)
RossWhat is the matter with you?!
JoeyYou were supposed to duck! Why didn't you duck?
RossWhy don't we talk about this on the way to the hospital?
JoeyGood, good, yeah, (grabs the bags) maybe while we're there, they can check your reflexes. (Joey opens the door and it hits Ross in the face with it.) "Oops" Emma is still crying. MonicaTry feeding her again.
RachelI already fed her.
MonicaI know, that's why I said again!
PhoebeAlright you guys, we can't turn on each other, ok? that's just what she wants.
Chandler(enters) Hey!
MonicaHey.
ChandlerI told you you shouldn't 've let her watch Terms of Endearment. Monica, can I talk to you outside for a second?
RachelOh no, you guys, just stay here, I'm gonna go check her diaper, Pheebs you wanna come?
PhoebeOh, I'm kinda part of this.
ChandlerActually Pheebs it's more of a husband and wife kind of thing.
PhoebeI knew I should've married Chandler.
(Phoebe and Rachel go to the back room and Emma continues to cry in the background while Chandler and Monica talk.)
MonicaOK, what's up?
ChandlerOK, umm, you know how we always said that it would be fun to move to Paris for a year? You know, you could study French cooking and I could write, we could picnic along the Seine, go wine tasting in Bordeaux?
MonicaOh yeah (smiles).
ChandlerOK, you know how people say that Tulsa, is the Paris of Oklahoma?
MonicaWhat? Who-who says that?
ChandlerPeople who've never been to Paris.
MonicaWh-what's going on?
ChandlerWe're moving to Tulsa! (makes a excited expression on his face)
MonicaExcuse me?
ChandlerOK, Ms. McKenna, she kind of works above my boss, I think you actually met her.
MonicaI don't care, get back to Tulsa!
ChandlerShe asked me to move to Tulsa and be the president of our office there, and I was sleeping and apparently, said yes.
Monica(stands up angrily) Tulsa, Oklahoma?!
ChandlerThe sooner state, whatever that is.
MonicaChandler, I don't even wanna see the musical "Oklahoma!"!
ChandlerReally, "Oh, what a beautiful morning", "Surrey With The Fringe On Top"? {lyrics}
MonicaAre you trying to tell me that we're moving to Oklahoma, or that you're gay?
ChandlerHoney, I don't think I can get out of this.
MonicaOh my God!
ChandlerBut you don't know, it could be like Paris, you could still take a cooking class! At Oral Roberts University.
MonicaAll right, not that this matters, but did they at least offer you a huge raise?
ChandlerNo, no, but they are going to lease us a Ford Focus. (Monica's not impressed) I'll get out of it.
MonicaThank you.
Chandler(hears Emma crying finally) What is wrong with Emma?
MonicaOh she misunderstood, she thought she was moving to Tulsa. Chandler goes to see Ms. McKenna. ChandlerMa'am, uh, do you have a minute? (She points for him to come in) I kind of have some bad news. I don't think I can move to Tulsa.
Ms. McKennaWhat?
ChandlerIt's a funny story, actually. (coughs) Uh, I kind of fell asleep, in the meeting this morning so when I said I'd move to Tulsa, I didn't really know what I was saying.
Ms. McKennaYou fell asleep?
ChandlerBut only because I was up all night worried about this meeting, ain't that funny? Irony? Not a fan, alright (he sits down). See, here's the thing. I went home, and told my wife about Tulsa and-and she won't go. See, me, I love Tulsa, Tulsa is heaven, Tulsa is Italy. Please don't make me go there!
Ms. McKennaChandler, I-
ChandlerNo no no! I know that you're upset. But, uh, I just, I would really rather just stay here, not here in your office. Here, here at the company, where I'm rapidly feeling unwelcome. Look, Carol, can I call you Carol? Why would I when your name is Elaine? Oh, what a great picture of your son, strapping... that's a picture of your daughter, isn't it, well she's lovely, I like a girl with a strong jaw. I'll call you from Tulsa. Ross is at the hospital with Joey. JoeyHey, so, how is it?
RossI broke my thumb.
JoeyYour thumb, that's weird, are you sure you're punching right? Ma-make a fist. (Ross just looks at him) Maybe later. Ross, I feel terrible.
RossYou know what, you can go, I just have to fill out some forms (tries to hold the pen but can't)
JoeyYou uh, you want me to help you with that?
RossWhy, does it look like I'm having trouble with my misshapen claw? (He hands Joey the form)
JoeyName? (pause) Oh I know, Ross, but what's it short for? You know like, like Rossle or-or Rosstepher?
RossJust Ross.
JoeyIt's pretty. OK, date of birth?
RossYou know my birthday.
JoeySure, May...tember.
RossOctober 18th.
JoeyOccupation? Dinosaurs.
RossActually, I'm a paleon... Dinosaurs is fine. The drawing is not.
JoeyAlright, uh, who-who do you want as your emergency contact?
RossAh, Rachel I guess.
JoeyOK, relationship, wo boy this could take a while.
RossJust ah, just put roommate.
JoeyCome on, you guys are more then that! I mean, you're gonna get together right?
RossI don't think that we are.
JoeyBut, you two were supposed to be together.
RossWell, I thought so too, but then she said she'd marry you.
JoeyCome on, Ross, that didn't mean anything! She-she, she just had the baby, she was all freaked out about doing it alone, she, she would've said yes to anybody.
RossYeah, that's-that's what she said.
JoeySo?
RossSo, I don't wanna be just anybody.
JoeyWow.
RossYou know what, it's-it's, it's better this way anyway, I mean I don't know what I was thinking, going down that road again with us. It's, it's just much easier if we're, if we're just friends who have a kid.
JoeyReally?
RossYeah.
JoeyAnd, and you're OK with that?
RossYes. I mean, it's what we always planned, and if-if you have a plan, you should stick to it, that's, that's why they call them plans, hello, (pause) I'm fine.
JoeyHey, for what it's worth, with Rachel I don't think you'll ever be just "anybody".
RossHey, there you go! (smiles because Joey used it correctly)
Joey"Thanks".
(Ross looks away, not bothering to correct him) Emma continues to cry. RachelOh my God! How long has she been crying?
MonicaAbout a week and a half.
PhoebeAlright, well, looks like you guys got it under control so I'm just gonna go. (She gets up and Rachel looks at her, upset, and Monica just stares.) No! Misery really does love company. All right! (She sits back down.)
MonicaRach, try holding her a different way.
RachelWhat- You guys, I'm doing the best I can, anyone else is welcome to try.
PhoebeAlright, I'll try, fine! Yes, OK!
RachelHere you go. (hands Emma to Phoebe) Oh, gosh.
PhoebeShh! Nothing works with this child! (Hands her back after 2 seconds)
RachelOh god what am I gonna do you guys, I can't even comfort my own baby! I'm the worst mother ever!
MonicaNo, you're just new at this, it'll get better, now think about your first day at work. I mean, that couldn't 've been easy but you figured that out.
RachelYeah I don't think dressing provocatively is going to help me here! Oh, God, just please take her.
MonicaOk, I'll take her, come here. (takes Emma)
RachelI have to go to the bathroom. (goes to the bathroom)
PhoebeI have to go scream into a pillow. (goes to scream into a pillow)
Monica(To Emma) Bouncy baby, Bouncy baby, Ooh baby baby, Ooh baby baby, Ooh baby baby. (Emma stops crying and falls asleep)
Phoebe(comes back into the room) Have I gone deaf?
MonicaIt worked! Ooh baby baby baby, ooh baby baby baby!
PhoebeYou must be a fireball in bed.
MonicaI can't believe it, she's asleep, I got her to go to sleep, I have actual magical powers!
PhoebeI can, I can hear traffic and birds, I can hear the voices in my head again! (Monica looks at her strangely) I'm kidding (she smiles at something the voice in her head says to her and sits down)
RachelOh my God! You got her to stop crying!
MonicaYes I did, I'm Monica, super aunt.
RachelYou are the official baby crier stopper!
MonicaYes I am!
RachelYou're never leaving the apartment!
MonicaSay what?
RachelThat's your new job, day and night, she starts crying, I need you here.
Monica(stands up to hand Emma back) Oh no no no no!
PhoebeThankfully you don't need me at all (gets up and to leave) so, ok. Hey, super aunt, see you later! Rachel. let's, let's give it six to eight months (she leaves).
RachelOhhh. OK, so listen, I'm gonna go lay down.
MonicaWhat?
RachelYou know the book says that whenever she's sleeping, I should be sleeping. So (she does thumbs up to Monica and goes to lay down)
Chandler(enters) Hey!
MonicaShhh! We just got her to go to sleep.
ChandlerOh so there-there can't be any yelling.
MonicaNo.
ChandlerWe're moving to Tulsa.
MonicaWHAT?!
ChandlerShhhh! Shhhhh! Shhhhh! Shhhhh! (walks backwards towards the door) I can't, I can't hear you. (He runs out) Ross finally comes home. RossHey.
RachelHey, where have you been? (He shows her his thumb) Ah! What happened to you?
RossAh, I had a little thing with Joey, if you think this is bad, you should see him.
RachelNo, Ross! This is not good, please, we have to talk about this Joey thing. Please sit. (He sits) All right, you have got to get over this Joey thing, ok? I never really wanted to marry Joey, ok?
RossOK.
RachelYou know what I really really want?
RossWhat, Rach?
RachelI wanna sleep, I wanna eat, I wanna take a shower, I mean before she wakes up we gotta do this all over again.
Ross(smiles) Right.
RachelI mean 'cause I-I got news for you mister, Emma, not easy.
RossWell, that's what I'm here for. So (Emma starts crying again) Want me to get that?
RachelNo, that's really ok. Monica!
Monica(comes running out the kitchen to the bedroom) Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it! Joey, Ross and Chandler comes into Central Perk. JoeyYou know, ah, I've been thinking about this and I gotta tell ya, it's not my fault. It's a natural instinct.
Chandler(enters) What're you guys talking about?
JoeyHey, great, ok, what would you do if I did this? (Swings to punch Chandler, he moves and he ends up punching Ross. Ross then gets up and just stares at Joey.)

Written by Dana Klein Borkow; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Annotated by ncp