Chandler and Monica's apartment.
(Ross and Rachel enter)
RossHey! So what's the big news we uh rushed all the way over here for?
PhoebeRushed? It took you 45 minutes to cross the street. Come on guys, it's just one baby. (To Monica and Chandler). Oh, sure, now you guys clam up.
ChandlerOk, our news. My company has asked me to head up our office in Tulsa, so, as of Monday I'm being officially relocated.
RossOh my God!
JoeyWell how long do you have to go for?
ChandlerWell, they said it could be up to a year.
Rachel(To Monica) Do you have to go?
MonicaI kinda have to, don't I? 'Cause of this stupid thing (Points to her wedding ring.)
ChandlerThere is nothing like the support of your loving wife, huh?
JoeyBut wait a minute, wait, you can't go to Tulsa. Maybe you forgot, but we've got tickets to the Jets game next week.
ChandlerWell, I'm-I'm sorry buddy, but I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it.
JoeyBut we do, we were gonna go see the Jets!
RossYou-you, you can't go, I mean you're the glue that holds this group together!
ChandlerYou know, this whole thing is gonna be ok, you know? They said they'd rent us a great house in the suburbs, and you guys can all come and visit.
RachelOh, God, that's so not gonna happen!
JoeyCome on, I can't believe you guys are moving.
PhoebeI call their apartment!
EveryoneNo! Ah! Ahh!
JoeyHere you go Rach (Hands Rachel a cup of coffee)
RachelOh, thank you, Joey. Oh, you know what? I'm not even sure I can have caffeine.
RossUh, I went through this with Ben and Carol. One cup of coffee won't affect your milk.
RachelYeah. Just to be sure I'm gonna call Dr. Wiener.
RachelEvery time? (She takes up her cell phone and starts dialing.)
RossRach, you-you don't have to call whenever you have a little question, ok? Trust me, I know this.
RachelAll right, I trust you. (Continues to dial)
RossRachel, I can see you dialing! I don't understand why...
RachelShhh! I'm on the phone! (On the phone) Dr. Wiener? (Ross and Rachel walk away)
PhoebeIt's so weird seeing Ross and Rachel with a baby. It's just so grown up.
JoeyI know, yeah. I feel like we're all growing up. Person named Wiener, God that kills me. (Laughs)
PhoebeLook at you all grown up.
JoeyYeah. Actually, actually, you know what? I am. You know? That we all know- that whole thing with Rachel made me realize that maybe I'm ready for a more serious relationship. You know? Like I'd like to meet a nice mature commitment-minded lady. And looks aren't as important as...Nah, she's gotta be hot.
PhoebeWell you know, I might know somebody. Hey, how about you set me up with someone, and we double date!
JoeyI can do that, yeah. How's-how's Friday?
PhoebeDone. Oh good, really?
PhoebeOk, let's see! (Opens her address book.) Heehee! Oh, you know who's great? Sandy Poophack.
Joey(Laughs) Poophack... (Laughs)
PhoebeYeah... All right, well that rules out Lana Titweiller.
Chandler and Monica's apartment.
ChandlerI've got good news!
MonicaYou got out of the whole Tulsa thing?
ChandlerOk, I have news. You don't have to move to Tulsa. You can stay here and keep your job.
MonicaIt's great! How?
ChandlerWell my boss and I worked out a deal where I only have to be in Tulsa four days a week, so the other three, I can be here with you.
MonicaSo you're gonna be gone four days a week? (Thinks about it.) No.
ChandlerI'm sorry, are you just used to saying that?
MonicaNo. I can't be away from you for that long.
MonicaYeah, you're my husband. I'm not gonna live in a different state than you for 208 days out of the year.
ChandlerThat's fast math! We could use you in Tulsa.
MonicaHoney, thanks for trying to figure out a way, but if you're going to Tulsa, I wanna go with you.
ChandlerHey, you said that without gagging!
MonicaI know! (They high five.)
Ross and Rachel's apartment.
Rachel(On the phone) Wh- Ex-excuse me? Oh yeah? Well, up yours too! (Hangs up)
Ross(Enters from his bedroom) Who the hell was that?!
RachelOh, Dr. Wiener.
RossRachel, you can't call people at three in the morning.
RachelOh you know what, you sound just like his wife!
RossWas there anything even wrong with Emma?
RachelYes, of course there is! Ok? I'm not insane!
RossWell, what was it?
RossRach, I told you, you can't call him every time any little thing comes up.
RachelYeah well, not anymore. I can't. He fired us! Can you believe that?
RossRach, I could believe it if he came here and hit you over the head with a copy of Highlights.
RachelWhat are we gonna do? We have to find a pediatrician. Oh, wait wait, wait wait, Monica said that when you guys were growing up, you really liked your doctor. What was his name?
RossDr. Gettleman? Yeah I know, I don't, I don't think that's a good idea. In fact, I think, I think he's dead.
RachelArgh! Why does everything happen to me?!
RossRach, I promise first thing tomorrow we'll find another doctor, but I gotta get up early and I'm not feeling all that well.
RachelWhat? Where, where-where you're not feeling well? What do you have? Is it Rubella? Because don't go near Emma, she has not had that shot.
RossYou know? Come to think of it, it does feel Rubella-like! (Walks back into his room.)
Rachel(Grabs the phone and stars dialing) (On phone) (In a high-pitched voice) Wiener, Wiener (In a low-pitched voice) Wiener, Wiener!
Ross(Comes back into the living room) Rachel!
RachelGreat! Now he's gonna know it was me!
JoeyAnd the Kung Pao chicken. Yeah. Utensils and plates for one. And can you read the order back to me? Ugh, Ugh, Ugh, Ugh, Ugh, Ugh, Ugh, great, oh, ugh, yeah, ok. Thanks, bye.
PhoebeSo how is this for our big double date tonight? (She is all dressed up)
Joey(Realizes that he has forgotten all about the double date) Oh my God!
PhoebeOoh, great! Just the reaction I was hoping for.
JoeyYeah, yeah, so you-you found someone for me. You didn't forget?
PhoebeOf course not! And you're gonna love Mary Ellen. She's really smart and cute and funny, and, I can't tell you how I know this, but she' not opposed to threesomes. Yeah. So tell me some about my guy.
PhoebeCome on, give me something. What's his name?
JoeyI'm-I'm not sure I understand the question.
PhoebeWhat'd they call him?
PhoebeMike? Ok! What's his last name?
JoeyDamn it! Is there no mystery left in romance anymore?!
PhoebeAll right, we'll see you and Mike, at the restaurant in a couple hours.
JoeyAll right, great. See ya. Bye-bye. (Phoebe leaves)
JoeyWhy did I have to say Mike? I don't know a Mike! Why couldn't I've said... (Looks through his address book) There's no guy in there!
Chandler and Monica's apartment.
ChandlerSo, this is being a parent, huh? I think I can handle this. Oh, too intense, too intense.
Rachel & ChandlerHey! Hi!
MonicaWell, I did it. I told my crew at the restaurant that I'm heading off to Tulsa.
ChandlerOh yeah, how'd they take it?
MonicaPretty well, yeah. They're brave little soldiers. Did their best to be stoic. Some of them even high fived each other to mask their pain.
RachelOh, it's impossible to find a good doctor. I mean, how do you know the good ones from the ones who are gonna push their penis against your knee?
ChandlerI know what she's talking about. Yeah, you probably also had the piano teacher with the wandering hands.
RachelWe-we've got to find a new pediatrician. Ross was getting sick last night, and I think Emma may have caught it.
MonicaWhy don't you go see Dr. Gettleman?
RachelRoss said he died.
MonicaHe didn't die. I saw his daughter last week. Said he was fine. Her on the other hand, botched Botox.
RachelOh great! Well then I'm gonna take Emma to see him. I wonder why Ross said that he died.
MonicaOh, maybe he was getting him confused with his childhood therapist.
ChandlerHe saw a therapist?
MonicaYeah, he used to have this recurring nightmare, just really freaked him out.
RachelWhy? What was it?
MonicaThat I was going to eat him.
(Joey walks in and looks around. He's trying to find a Mike for Phoebe)
Joey(Checks him out) Ok! (Walks over to his table and sits down with him)
MikeI gotta tell you, I can't believe I'm doing this with you. Although yeah I did just get out of a nine-year relationship, so I guess I should be open and taking some risks.
JoeyThat's good. Yeah, get all that born stuff out now. Look, everything is gonna be fine, ok? Just follow my lead, all you have to do is pretend to be Mike.
MikeI am Mike.
(Phoebe and Mary Ellen enter.)
JoeyOk here they come.
Phoebe(to Mike) Hi, Phoebe.
MikeHey. Phoebe, I'm Mike. How you doing.
PhoebeJoey, this is Mary Ellen Jenkins. So, Mike, how do you and Joey know each other anyway?
MikeHow do Joey and I know each other? Wow, if I had a nickel for every time somebody's asked me that.
Joey(Laughs) From-from school.
MikeYeah, we met in college. (Off Joey's look) I mean, high school.
PhoebeWow, you guys go way back then. So what're-what're you up to these days?
MikeWell, I'm a lawyer.
JoeyMike, 'attorney at law'!
MikeActually, I just gave up my practice.
JoeyWhat? That's-that's the kinda thing you usually run by me.
MikeWell, I always wanted to play piano professionally, and I figured if I don't do this now, I never will.
PhoebeWow, that's great! I liked that better than the law thing, so...
JoeyWhich is why I waited until now to introduce you to Mike.
Mary EllenI thought you thought he was still a lawyer.
JoeyNo no no, that's not what I meant. Let's-let's get you a cocktail.
Chandler and Monica's apartment.
(Monica Enters. Chandler is in the kitchen with his laptop)
MonicaWhat're you doing?
ChandlerLooking for restaurant jobs for you in Tulsa.
MonicaOh, that's so sweet. Find anything?
ChandlerNo, 'Slim Pickings', it's a barbecue joint. They're looking for a cook. Actually 'cook' may be a bit of a stretch. They're looking for someone to shovel mesquite.
Monica'Slim Pickings'...That is so cheesy.
ChandlerOh, 'So Cheesy' also has an opening.
MonicaHoney, that's ok. I actually know this woman, Nancy, who's-who's a restaurant biz head-hunter. Maybe she'll know of something.
ChandlerCan I just say, how much I appreciate you coming with me. When we get to Tulsa I'm taking you for a great dinner at 'Slim Pickings'. 'So Cheesy'? 'Whole Hog'? It's going to be tough to keep Kosher in Tulsa.
Monica(On phone) Hi, Nancy. Hi, it's Monica Geller. I'm good. Listen, I'm-I'm looking for a job in Tulsa. Well, my husband's been relocated...Because I love him! No-no, I-I, I don't-don't wanna job in New York. Javo is looking? Oh my God! He asked for me personally? Oh my God! Oh, wow, this is really really flattering, but I'm-I'm-I'm moving to Tulsa. Yeah, so just if you would tell Javo... I'll take it!
A Pediatrician's office.
RachelHi, my name is Rachel Green, I have an appointment for Emma.
ReceptionistOh, Dr. Gettleman is finishing up with a patient, he should be out shortly.
RachelOk, thank you.
Dr. Gettleman(To a patient) I think you just have a cold, it's definitely not Strep.
Dr. GettlemanWould you like a lollypop?
RossYou even have to ask?! (He grabs a lollypop out of a jar) (Sees Rachel) (To Rachel) He is alive!
PhoebeYou know, it's so surprising that you and Joey have known each other for so long and I've never heard about you.
JoeyAwh, that's uh, that's because we had a bit of a falling-out. Mike hit my mom with a car.
MikeNo, I didn't.
JoeyThat's ok, Mike, I have forgiven you. And now we're friends again, everything's great!
Mary EllenWait, is your mom ok?
JoeyPlease, we're trying to have a conversation. (Pushes the wine glass closer to Mary Ellen.)
Mary EllenWow, you're a lot nicer on 'Days of Our Lives'.
Mike'Days of Our Lives'! That's why you look so familiar!
PhoebeDo you not know each other?
Joey(Laughs) Of course we do! Mike is playing a game that we used to play in high school. Yeah, where we pretend we don't know each other. We played all kinds of games. (To Mike) Hey, you remember the one where I punch you in the face for not being cool?!
PhoebeMike, let me ask you something. How many sisters does Joey have?
Mike(Joey holds up six fingers) Six!
PhoebeNo he doesn't, he has seven.
JoeyWhat're you doing? I said seven! (Holds up six fingers.) (Realizes his mistake) Argh!
PhoebeJoey, why did you set me up with a stranger?
JoeyBecause I, I forgot about our date, I'm so sorry.
MikeYeah, I'm sorry too. And just to be clear, I didn't hit his mother with a car. Although I'd like to be hit by one now.
JoeyYeah, no problem.
Phoebe(To Joey) You are unbelievable! I spent so much time finding the perfect girl for you, you know. Mary Ellen is really smart and cute and loose.
PhoebeOh who are you kidding? (To Joey) You just find some guy off the street for me? God! This is humiliating!
JoeyLook Phoebe I'm so sorry! You know, hey, look, if you don't like this guy I can find you a better one. (Looks around) Mike! Mike!
PhoebeOh! I'm out of here (She leaves)
MikeIt was nice meeting you!
Joey(To Mary Ellen) You're leaving too?
Mary EllenI'll stay if you can tell me my name.
JoeyHave a good night!
Chandler and Monica's apartment.
ChandlerHoney, we're leaving tomorrow and you still got a lot of packing to do.
MonicaYou're right. (Pause) Maybe I shouldn't go.
MonicaHmm, so Nancy told me about this-this job at this great restaurant, Javo. It's just a little outside of Tulsa.
ChandlerWell how far outside?
ChandlerAnd, you're thinking of taking it? (Pause) So, before you said being with me was more important than any job, but I guess now it's old job, (Raises his hand) me, (Raises his hand) new job.
MonicaI'm gonna miss this hand! Ok, I know it's a lot to ask, but oh my God Chandler, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
ChandlerWhat happened to 'you can't live without me four days a week'?
MonicaWell, if you really think about it, I mean four days is just not that long. I mean, I see you Monday before you go to work, and I see you Thursday when you get back, and I always work late on Tuesdays, so really if you think about it, it's really just one day. And, well, if we can't make it one day, we got real problems my friend.
ChandlerI-I think you should take the job.
ChandlerYeah. I know it must be important to you when you start chattering like a monkey.
MonicaThat's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me!
ChandlerWell, it's your dream job, I can't make you pass it up. Besides, I'm-I'm proud of you.
ChandlerYeah. And when I get to Tulsa and people say, "Where's the missis", l'll tell them "she's a chef at Javu." And then, when they stare at me blankly, l'll make some offensive Tulsa joke, and thus begin my isolation.
(Ross and Rachel enter with Emma.)
MonicaHow was the pediatrician?
RachelOh, I really liked him. (Looks at Ross) Yeah, yeah, it was really, really, really good.
RossYou promised you wouldn't say anything.
RachelI know. (Pause) Ross still sees his pediatrician! (To Ross) I don't care!
MonicaAre you serious? You still see Dr. Gettleman?
RossHe's a brilliant diagnostician!
ChandlerDiagnostician or boo-boo fixer?
RachelRoss, seriously! You gotta go to an appropriate doctor and not an orthodontist, not a gynecologist, and not a veterinarian.
RossWhy? Why? I-I know it's a little weird, but hey, he is a great doctor, ok? He knows my medical history, and every time I go in there, he makes a big deal. You know, 'Ah, look, it's-it's my favorite patient!'
ChandlerDoes he say that before he sticks his thermometer in your tushie?
RossHey, I seem to remember someone bringing his security blanket to college!
ChandlerThat was not a security blanket! That was a wall-hanging!
RossIt didn't spend much time on the wall!
MikeOh, excuse me, hi. I was hoping I would run into you. Can we talk?
PhoebeSure. Yeah, there's someone I want you to meet. (Pats a woman at the counter) This is my best friend from high school.
WomanI'm sorry, I don't think I know you.
PhoebeOh. (To Mike) How hard was that?
MikeLook, I'm, I'm-I'm sorry, I'm really, I'm so embarrassed. Please, really, I'm-I'm a pretty nice guy. Just ask my parole officer... Ap-apparently I'm not a funny guy.
PhoebeWhy did you go along with that?
MikeBecause I was told I'd get a free dinner, which I didn't. And that I'd meet a pretty girl. Which I did.
PhoebeThat's true. (Pause) Well, is-is anything you told me about yourself true?
MikeMy name in Mike, and I do play piano.
PhoebeOh, uhuh, uhuh, prove it.
MikeThere isn't a piano here.
PhoebeThat wouldn't stand in the way of a true pianist.
MikeOk. (Plays 'air piano')
PhoebeYou are really good! Um, um, I-I play a little guitar myself.
MikeThat's great. What kind of music do you play?
MikeWhat kind of music do you play?
PhoebeWell, um, like acoustic folksy stuff. You know? But I'm right now working on a couple 'Iron Maiden' covers.
MikeDo you think that maybe, sometime, I could...
PhoebeIt's ok. Go ahead, ask me out.
MikeOk. Do you think maybe sometime I could take you out?
Phoebe(To Mike) Oh, you just caught me off guard! Yeah, that would be nice. Yeah.
JoeyLook at this. My two best friends!
(Phoebe and Mike look at him, and he goes over to the counter.)
The Pediatrician's office.
RossExcuse me, uh, I don't mean to be a jerk, but the baby with the rash came in after me.
ReceptionistThe doctor will be right with you sir.
RossI hear you, but do-do you have any harder puzzles?
Girl(Reading a book) Mommy, I can't find Waldo.
RossWhat page you're on? What, the circus? He's behind the elephant.
WomanWow, so your child is a big fan of the Waldo books too?
RossYeah, that's-that's how I know. I'm Ross by the way.
SallyHi, I'm Sally.
SallySo, no ring. Can I assume you are also a single parent?
RossI am a single parent.
SallyIt's hard isn't it? There's-there's almost no time for a social life. I mean, where're you gonna meet someone?
GirlMommy, I can't-
Ross(To the girl) Seashore? Rowboat. (To Sally) Well, um, let's say, I don't know, you-you met someone in the pediatrician's office.
Nurse(To Ross) Rossy, we're ready for you.
RossHmm, yeah. (To a random boy in the waiting room) Come on Ross Jr. It's time to go in.
BoyMommy (He walks over to Sally.)
GirlMommy, what's wrong with that man?
RossHey, I helped you find Waldo!
Chandler and Monica's apartment.
Ross(Enters) Oh, good, you haven't left yet.
MonicaWhere have you been?
RossI got held up at Dr. Gettleman's office. Uh, there-there was some guy that uh freaked everybody out. I-I-I don't think I'm going back there.
ChandlerWell, you got here just in time. I really have to go buddy. (They hug)
MonicaHoney, promise to call me when you land.
ChandlerOf course I will call you. I love you.
MonicaI love you too. (They kiss)
RachelOk, wow, wow, wow. Watch the tongue people, we got a baby over here.
ChandlerAwww. (They hug) Bye!
RachelBye honey. (They hug)
Chandler(Tries to hug Joey but he moves away) What's the matter Joe?
JoeyI'm mad at you for leaving! You're nothing but a big leaver. Big leaver with a stupid, suitcase.
ChandlerAny chance you are trying to pick a fight to make all this easier?
JoeyAw dude, you see right through me!! (They hug) (Joey heads for the door and pushes Chandler's suitcase on the way out.)
ChandlerOk, well, bye Mon, bye Ross, Rachel, bye Emma!
PhoebeOk, bye-bye! (Pushes Chandler out the door.) Good trip! Ok. (Slams the door)
Monica(Runs out to the hallway) Chandler, wait. It goes: old job, (Raises her hand) new job, (Raises her hand really high) and you. This is just something I have to do.
MonicaI love you so much.
ChandlerI know that too. (They kiss)
(Joey opens the door and takes Chandler's suitcase into his own apartment.)
Chandler(On cellphone) Don't worry, I'll be back before you know it. Yes it will be the same. Because I know, that's how. I promise.
[Cut to Monica and Chandler's apartment.]
Joey(On the phone with Chandler) You double promise? Call me when you land.
MonicaCan I talk now?
JoeyOk, bye. (He hangs up the phone.)
JoeyHe had to board.
Written by Brian Buckner and Sebastian Jones; Directed by Roger Christiansen; Transcribed by Ane B. J.; Annotated by ncp