Central Perk. Phoebe comes in. PhoebeOh hey Ross, oh so glad someone's here. Could you zip me up?
PhoebeThank you. Can you believe no one between my apartment and here offered to do that for me?
RossPeople. (Shakes his head.) So why're you all dressed up?
PhoebeOh umm. Mike's picking me up for a date.
RossOh yeah? Now um, how-how is that going, is it getting serious?
PhoebeOh I dunno, I dunno, you know I mean, I like him, but you know, am I ready to take my grade-A loins off the meat market? I'm not quite sure.
RossYou know, I-I really admire your-your whole dating attitude, it's so healthy. I'm always like, is this moving too fast? Is this moving too slow? Where-where's this going?
PhoebeYeah, you know, you are a bit of a drama queen.
RossBut you, you're so much better off. You know, you just go from guy to guy having fun and not worrying that it never turns into anything serious.
PhoebeI wouldn't say never, you know. There's that guy... Ok, what about...Ok, well there's gotta be someone.
RossThere isn't. That's what I'm saying.
PhoebeOh my God, you're right!
RossI know, and yet here you are, all ready for the next date.
PhoebeI can't believe I never realized this before. I'm in my 30s and I've never been in a long-term relationship? Oh my God! (Starts crying.) What's wrong with me?
RossNo, no no, um, there's-there's nothing wrong with you. I mean, you don't strike me as the type of person that wants to get married anyway.
PhoebeI wanna get married! (Grabs a tissue.)
RossUh please, please don't cry because of me, Pheebs. I don't know what I'm talking about ok. I've been divorced three times!
PhoebeAt least you've been married! Oh my God! I wanna trade lives with Ross! (Cries.)
(Mike (Paul Rudd) enters.)
MikePhoebe, what's wrong?
PhoebeNothing, I'm excited about our date. Mike, this is Ross Geller. Ross, this is Mike Haaaaa... (Cries again.)
RossI'm sorry, I didn't catch...
MikeIt's Mike Hanagen.
RossOh, Ross Geller.
Mike(To Phoebe) Hey, uh, so, are you sure you're ready to go?
PhoebeUh huh. (To Ross) How do I look? (Her face is a mess from crying.)
RossDo you have a compact in your purse?
RossYou look great. Central Perk, Monica enters. MonicaHey Joey.
JoeyHey, this girl won't turn around and I can't tell whether she's hot or not, what'd you think?
MonicaJoey, I am not going to objectify woman with you! (Looks at the woman.) But if her face is as nice as her ass, woah mama!
JoeyAll right thanks. Oh hey, have you talked to Chandler?
MonicaYeah, he has to stay in Tulsa this weekend.
JoeyHow come?
MonicaI don't know, he has to work, there's some big rush on the... ah, damn it, one of these days I'm gonna have to start listening when he talks about his job.
JoeyHey, why don't you fly out there and surprise him?
MonicaOh I'd love to, I really miss him, but I can't, I have to, I have one day off work and it's just too expensive.
JoeyOh, interesting. So, Chandler is not worth the price of a plane ticket to you, Hmm.
MonicaOf course he is. Maybe I will go....Yeah, we'll have a little second honeymoon at the Tulsa Ramada.
JoeyOh and you know what you should bring? Your black see-through teddy with the attached garters.
MonicaHow do you know I have one of those?
JoeyDidn't untill just now.
(Monica goes to the back and Joey looks at the girl)
JoeyHot, not hot. (She turns around) Hot!
HayleyExcuse me?
JoeyI-I said that I think you're hot and uh now I'm embarrassed.
HayleyOh I-I thought you said "Hi."
JoeyThat would've been better, I'll try that. Hi, I-I'm Joey.
HayleyI'm Hayley.
JoeyLook, I don't normally ask out women that I meet in coffeehouses...
Joey(To Gunther.) Gesundheit! (To Hayley.) But uh... Wow, this is hard, I'm kinda shy.
Joey(To Gunther.) Seriously Gunther, you should see someone about that cold. If it gets much worse you could DIE! (Gunther looks scared.) (To Hayley.) Anyway...
HayleyI would love to go out with you.
JoeyReally? Great! Did I,did I actually ask you?
HayleyOh, um, that's just where you were going. I figured I'd help you out, you don't seem like the kind of guy who does this a lot?
(Joey laughs and then pretends to cough)
Joey(To Gunther.) Damn it Gunther, you give it to me! Ross is at Phoebe's. PhoebeOh, it's you.
RossWith vegetarian corn dogs. Come on Phebes, I just wanna talk to you.
PhoebeOh, About what? How few ova I have left?
RossCome on, I-I just want to apologize for what happened yesterday. (Mimics two people talking with the corn dogs) I'm sorry Phoebe, that's ok, Ross. (Makes kissing noise) Mmmm. (Noticing Phoebe just stares at him, put the corn dogs down) So uh, how'd the date go?
PhoebeWell, it was awful! I barely got to dinner, ok? Every time I thought about what you said, I started crying. Yeah, I'm pretty sure he spent the most of the night just staring at me in horror. But you know, I couldn't know for sure, 'cause my eyes were swollen shut.
RossYou know I wasn't trying to make you cry. I-I was really trying to say something nice. I mean, I-I was basically saying, even though you've never been in a serious relationship (Interrupted by Phoebe)
PhoebeAre we really gonna do this again?
RossSorry. So, he hasn't called?
PhoebeWould you call this girl? (Fake crying) Thanks-fo-r-a-love-ly-even-ing.
RossNow I feel terrible, this is all my fault.
PhoebeWell, you know what you should feel terrible about? This could've been my serious guy! He was, he was sweet and smart and funny. Do you know how hard it is to meet a guy like that?
RossWe are a rare breed. (The phone rings.)
RossHey, hey, maybe that's him.
PhoebeHello? Could you hold on one sec? (To Ross.) I need some privacy.
RossIs it Mike?
PhoebeNo, it's a heavy breather. I'll take what I can get. (On the phone.) I'm listening. Hayley's Apartment. HayleyWhat a great dinner.
JoeyYeah! And hey, thanks again for letting me have that last piece of cake at the restaurant.
Hayley(Laughs) You're welcome again. I'm gonna make some coffee. Can I get you anything?
JoeyUh, do you have any cake?
(Hayley laughs, goes into the kitchen.)
Joey(Thinking) So, this is going pretty good. Dinner was nice, got a lot in common. (Sees a magazine) Woo, Victoria's secret, huh, we even like the same books. Oh, there's a scary painting. Wait a minute! I think I've been scared by that painting before. You know what, this whole place looks familiar! I have definitely been in this apartment! I know I've seen this weird plant before (a cactus and he touch it) Aw! It did that the last time! Oh my God, I've gone out with this girl before! Yeah, we had sex on this couch and then on that chair and...no, no, we didn't do it here, which is weird because it seems like a perfectly good place. (Bends down and the cactus pricks him in the ass) Aw! That's why. Mike's Apartment. RossHey Mike, uh, sorry to just drop by like this, can I come in?
MikeSure. (He looks confused.) Who are you?
RossI'm-I'm Ross, Phoebe's friend from-from the coffee house.
RossYeah, I really, really need to talk to you about something.
MikeOK, unless... you're not gonna try to get me to join a cult, are you?
Ross(laughs) No.
MikeOh, nah, it's just, you know, you have that look.
RossDamn Supercuts!
MikeWh-what's up? Is Phoebe OK?
RossOh no, yeah, yeah, no, Phoebe, is great, but umm... I'm an idiot. Ok? Look, look, right before you guys went out, I, um, I accidentally um, got her all upset.
MikeAwh, that's why she was weird.
RossYes, yeah, I-, yeah, um, I, um, yeah, I-I said something stupid about her never having had a serious relationship, but you should know she is so much fun, a-a wonderful person! Please don't blow her off.
MikeI'm not, gonna blow her off. I actually just got off the phone with her. We're going out tomorrow night. I mean, I hope that's OK with you, stranger from the coffee house.
RossNo, yes. It'ssss great. I, so, the, the crying didn't turn you off.
MikieYeah. Look Ross, I just got off a nine-year-relationship with a manic-depressive. Compared to that, Phoebe's a Mousketeer.
RossWell then, I-I-I didn't need to bother you, um, you, or the four other Mike Hanagens I bothered. One of whom was uh, quite large and-and a little flirty. So-
MikeHey wait wait wait! Is that true what you said? Phoebe's never had a serious relationship?
RossOf course she has. If she's never had a serious relationship, You think I'd go around broadcasting it like some kind of unstoppable moron?
MikeBut you did say it.
RossYes, yes I did. And I will also say what I'm about to say, vis-a-vis, the following, Phoebe has never had a serious relationship, since her...super-serious relationship with...Vicrum.
RossWhat, that's a real name! Chandler arrives his hotel room from work. Chandler(Singing) Oklahoma, where the wind comes sweeping down the plain {lyrics}...STOP IT! Why couldn't they have sent me to Texas? 7 o'clock, maybe I'll hit the gym. (Sits down) Who am I kidding? Pay-per-view porn!
(Monica enters.)
ChandlerDo not disturb! Do not disturb! (Changes channels.) Monica!
MonicaIs everything all right?
ChandlerYeah, everything's great, just watching some regular television there, aw, what-what a pleasant surprise. (She hugs him, She knows he was masturbating, but he has changed the channel to a nature program about sharks.)
MonicaI'm gonna go freshen up, OK?
ChandlerOK honey.... (To himself) Woo, that was close. (Sings) Oh, the yellow rose of Texas (To himself) You're not even there!
(Cut to Rachel; phone rings.)
MonicaHey, Rach, it's me.
MonicaOK, I just got to Chandler's room and I caught him molesting himself.
RachelOh, that couldn't 've been pretty. But you know, guys do that.
MonicaYeah, well, the weird part is... he was getting off to a shark attack show!
MonicaYes! Chandler watches shark porn! Monica's Apartment. RachelWell, watching sharks? Are you sure that's what he was doing?
MonicaDo you know how many times I've seen him jump up like that? Believe me, I know what he was doing.
RachelMan, sharks. I always knew there was something weird about that dude. But you promised to love him no matter what.
MonicaWhat means like if he gets like a disease or kills someone. Not if he gets his jollies to Jaws!
RachelAh! You know what hell honey? Guys are just different. They like things that we can't understand. You know, I once dated this guy who wanted to pretend that he was an archeologist and that I was this naughty cave woman who he unfroze from a block of ice.
MonicaEww, are-are you talking about my bother?
RachelYeah, I didn't disguise that very well, did I.
Joey(Enters) Hey!
JoeyListen to this... I went out with this girl last night. Half way through our date, I realized, I already slept with her!
(Monica makes a strange face and sits down)
RachelSo basically, you've slept with all the woman in New York and now you're just going around again.
JoeyWell that's not even the weird part. I don't think she remembered sleeping with me.
MonicaBut you don't remember sleeping with her.
JoeyYeah, but she should remember sleeping with me! I am very memorable, you guys know.
RachelWhat, how do we know, we never slept with you.
JoeyAnd whose fault is that?
MonicaWhat's the big deal, you forgot, she forgot, maybe you were having an off night.
JoeyHey! I never have an off night, OK, although, sometimes if I'm a little bloated I don't feel that sexy, but even that I'm better than most!
MonicaHoney, why don't you just let it go and ask her out again?
RachelYeah, you're both so slutty you don't even remember who you've slept with! You're made for each other.
JoeyInteresting. You know. All right, Well I'll-I'll go out with her again and I'll try to get past it (reaches for chips) Oh salt, bloaty!
MonicaJoey, Joey.
MonicaYou don't think sharks are sexy do you?
JoeyNo. (Pause) Wait a minute, what was the little mermaid? Phoebe's Apartment. (Ross knocks at the door.)
PhoebeIt's open.
PhoebeHey! Mike called, we're going out again! Yay! Yay! (She dances)
RossYay! Quick thing, Um, I went to talk to Mike.
PhoebeWhat? Wh-what did you, what did you do, Ross!
RossOh boy, you got mad at that part. I-I went over there you know to-to tell him how-how great you are, but, well you-you know me, blah blah blah, and I-I ended up telling him, um...that....
RossUmm... you had a six-year-long relationship with a guy named Vicrum.
PhoebeWhat? Why!
RossWell, he seemed bummed hard that you'd never been in a serious relationship.
Phoebe(Walks towards Ross) If you hadn't just had a baby with my best friend, I swear to Lucifer, a rabid dog would be feasting on your danglers right now!
RossWell Phoebe, I think you'll feel differently when you know a little bit about Vicrum. Ok, he's a, um, he's a kite designer! And he used to date Oprah!
PhoebeI'm not going along with some lie you made up, Ross. No, I'm just, I'm just gonna be honest with him.
RossGood, yeah, just-just be honest with him.
PhoebeYeah, I've nothing to be ashamed of. OK, so, all right, I haven't been in a relationship that lasted longer then a month. OK, I-I haven't had a real boyfriend. You know, if he can't handle that, then he can leave. Which he will, and you know, that's OK. So, I'll just be alone forever, you know, alright, I'll be... it'll be fine, it'll be fine. I'll go on, I'll go on walking tours with widows and lesbians.
(Knock on door.)
RossI'll get it.
Mike(To Ross.) I'm trying to remember the last time I opened a door and you weren't there. Phoebe, are you OK?
PhoebeUh huh, yeah. There's just, umm, there's something you should know.... Vicrum just called. Hayley's Place. HayleySo it was really a shock. After 25 years of marriage, my parents, a perfect couple, are getting divorced. I kinda took it the hardest 'cause I was the youngest.
JoeyUh huh, sure, yeah. How can you not remember me?
JoeyHow could you not remember that we slept together?
HayleyWhat! When?
JoeyI don't know!
HayleyI really, really think I would remember sleeping with you.
JoeyCome on, come on, search your brain. All right. it was ... a certain amount of time ago, ok, I was here, you were here, we had sex (Pointing) here, here, here, not there. Anything?
HayleyNo, it's not ringing any bells.
JoeyMy God, woman! How many people do you have to have been with not to remember any of this?
Hayley's roommate(Enters) Hey Hayley, you've really gotta fix that doorknob. Joey?!
JoeyOooooh, I slept with you! And you obviously remember me. Hey! I still got it. (To Hayley) So we're good. (She just glares at him) I'll let myself out. Phoebe's Place. Phoebe...and I-I said, ok, Vicrum, you can't just call every time you get lonely, you know, you, you gave up that right when you slept with Rachel.
MikeBut Rachel, I thought she just had a baby with Ross.
PhoebeYeah, well (pause) yeah, you know, but Emma's birth certificate might say Geller but her eyes say Mookurgee.
MikeThat is so wrong and on top of that he's a glue sniffer?
PhoebeI know but he calls and my heart goes to him. You know that bastard is one smooth-talking freelance kite designer.
MikeIf you want, you know, I'll mess him up for you.
PhoebeYou would do that?
MikeYeah! Unless he's big. I mean, if he's really big, I'll send the bum... a rude letter. I just, I think there's somebody better out there for you, (pause) I mean you know, I'm not saying me, but...maybe me.
MikeAnd you don't have to worry about glue sniffing with me. Although I do smell the occasional magic marker, yeah. Ah anyway, I just, I think I can make you happy.
PhoebeOK I can't do this.
MikeWhat's wrong?
PhoebeWell, there is no Vicrum, Ross made him up because I-I really never have been in a long-term relationship, I've never, I've never lived with a guy, and I've never even celebrated an anniversary so... you know if that's, that's too weird for you and-and you wanna leave I totally understand. In fact I'll-I'll close my eyes, make it less awkward (She sits, eyes closed. Mike kisses her.) You kissed me.
MikeUh huh.
PhoebeSo you don't think I'm a total freak.
MikeNo. Well... look, can I, can I think you're a little weird and also cool for telling me the truth and also wanna kiss you?
PhoebeI guess so, can I, can I think it's cool that you kiss me and also wanna kiss you again? And umm, be a little concerned about the magic markers?
Ross(On phone, in accent) This is Vicrum. I need to talk to you about the long-term relationship we had. Call me. I am in my kite-making studio. Chandler & Monica' s Place. ChandlerHi honey, I'm home.
MonicaHey, how was your flight? (She hugs him)
ChandlerOh, it was great. I ordered a pool float from the SkyMall. Why'd I do that?
Monica(While putting in video tape.) Here why don't you sit down, get yourself comfortable, because I have a little, surprise for you.
ChandlerWell, well, well, it must be five in Tulsa because it's six o'clock in NYC!
MonicaOK. This is how much I love you. (Plays tape.)
ChandlerHoney, why am I watching a bunch of sharks swimming around?
MonicaIs this, is this not the good part? Do you want me to fast forward to something toothier?
ChandlerNo, I'm-I'm just not sure that you got the right movie, that's all.
MonicaOh, this is the only one they had at our video store, but they did have something called crocodile killers. Or does it always have to be sharks?
ChandlerDoes what always have to be sharks?
MonicaHoney, look, we can do something else, do you want me to get into the tub and thrash?
ChandlerWhat's going on?
MonicaSweetie it's OK, it's OK, I still love you, let me be a part of this.
ChandlerLet ME be a part of this!
MonicaI saw what you were doing in Tulsa. Angry sharks turn you on!
ChandlerNo they don't.
MonicaThen why were you watching them and giving yourself a treat?
ChandlerOh my God! When you came in, I switched the channel, I was just watching regular porn!
ChandlerYes, just some good old-fashioned American girl-on-girl action.
MonicaI cannot tell you how happy that makes me!
ChandlerYou are an amazing wife. No really, you're amazing! I mean, you were actually gonna do this for me? I mean, where do you find the strength and understanding over something like that?
MonicaI'm very, very drunk right now.
(They hug.) Central Perk. Joey(Looks at a girl walking in.) See, ordinarily I would talk to her, but my confidence is shaken... did I sleep with her? did I not sleep with her?
PhoebeYou know, maybe this is a wake-up call, you know, about-about your whole dating attitude. You're in your 30's and you have never been in a long-term relationship, you know you go from woman to woman, meaningless experience to meaningless experience, never even worrying that it doesn't turn into something more serious?
JoeyYou're right! I love my life! (He gets up to go and speak to the girl and he turns back and sits down) Actually did sleep with her.

Written by Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen; Annotated by ncp