Central Perk. PhoebeOh hey you guys, I couldn't get a reservation for the night of my birthday, so we have to do dinner Thursday night instead.
JoeyThursday? But that's Halloween.
JoeySo, spooky, that's all.
RossUh, so, is-is Mike coming to dinner?
PhoebeNo! It's my first birthday with a boyfriend, and he has to work. Ugh, I get mad at him, but I think it's a little too soon to show my true colors.
RachelWell Pheebs, I would make a reservation for five, because one of us has to stay home and watch Emma. (To Ross) Which one of us should go to dinner?
PhoebeOh, Rachel! (As in "Rachel should go!")
RossUm, actually, I, I was thinking maybe both of us could go.
PhoebeOh, yay! (Less than enthusiastic.)
RossThanks, I'll put a lot of extra thought into your gift.
PhoebeAlright, so great, we can all go now. That is fun. Hey, you know what? We all haven't been together, the six of us, in such a long time.
MonicaWhat are you talking about? We're all together right now.
RachelUm, Mon, Chandler's not here.
MonicaOh dear God! Tulsa, a conference room. ChandlerHello everyone, it's nice to see our team together for the first time. Now, before we get started, are there any questions? Yes, Ken, is it?
KenThat's right. Is it true that the reason you're here in Tulsa is that you fell asleep in a meeting and took the job without realizing what you were saying yes to?
ChandlerWell, don't believe everything you hear, Ken. But yeah, that's true. Alright, let's get started by uh taking a look at last quarter's figures. (Claudia, next to Chandler, lights a cigarette.) Ah, Claudia, aren't you supposed to blow smoke up the boss's ass?
ClaudiaI'm sorry. Does the smoke bother you?
ChandlerNo, no, no no. I smoked for years, then I quit. Right now, I can't remember why. You're not allowed to smoke in this office. All right?
ClaudiaYes, in Oklahoma it's legal to smoke in offices with fifteen people or less. Would you like one?
ChandlerWould Joey like two pizzas? (Awkward silence) You don't know what I'm talking about. Alright, look, I-I don't smoke anymore. But if the rest of you wanna light up, go ahead, it's fine. (Everyone lights up.) So you all smoke then? You know it's, it's almost rude, that I'm not smoking.
KenWell that's not true. If you don't wanna smoke-
Chandler(loud) Ken, please! No, I can't, I can't smoke. If I smoke, my wife would kill me.
KenI'm sorry, but isn't your wife back in New York?
ChandlerI always liked you, Ken. (Takes a cig) Moncia and Chandler's. Knock at door. Phoebe(from outside) Trick or treat!
Monica(opening the door) Hey!
PhoebeOoh, and treat it is. (Looks at Monica's exposed cleavage.)
MonicaHmhmm. (Closes robe)
PhoebeWow, so glad I changed. Almost wore my threadbare robe that can't contain my breasts.
MonicaThis is not what I'm wearing. I'm ovulating and Chandler's gonna be home any minute, so I thought we would try before dinner.
PhoebeOhh. Ok. Oh, I thought we'd all go over together. All right, I'll just meet you there at dinner. Um, unless, I mean, if it helps, I could stay and watch.
PhoebeWell, I didn't want to, anyway. It's just, you know, just thought I'd be polite and offer. Wait! just this mean you will be late?
MonicaBelieve me, Chandler and I have not seen each other in over a week. We'll probably be the first ones there.
PhoebeOk, see you there. Happy humping! (Outside, meets Chandler.) Hey, oh hey! (Sniffs) Oh, wow, somebody smoked out here? Oh my god, don't people know, you're not allowed to smoke in public spaces?
ChandlerActually, in Oklahoma smoking is legal in all common areas and offices with fewer than fifteen people.
PhoebeYou smoked!
ChandlerNo! I just happen to know a lot of trivia about smoking in different states. For example, in Hawaii cigarettes are called leihalalokos.
Phoebe(Sniffs him) Argh, Chandler, you stink of cigarettes!
ChandlerAh, do you think Monica's gonna be able to smell it?
PhoebeAre you kidding? The woman has the nose of a bloodhound ... and the breasts of a great goddess... (Has odd smile.)
Phoebe(embarrassed) I'm gonna go.
Chandler(Enters. Talking to self) Ok, something to cover the smell ... Oven cleaner! (sprays himself, reads label) Unscented!
Monica(from bedroom doorway) Welcome home. I've missed you. You wanna join me in the bedroom?
ChandlerNo thanks, I'm good.
Monica(comes over) OK, so, you wanna play it that way, do you?
Chandler(shrinks back) Right. You know what? Actually I just got off the plane, so I'm feeling kinda gross. Maybe I should just take a shower.
MonicaCome here, you don't need a shower.
Chandler(backs away) Alright, the truth is, I soiled myself during some turbulences.
MonicaWhat do I smell? (sniffs him) I smell smoke. (gasps) Did you smoke?
ChandlerYes, but I just had one. Two. Two tiny cigarettes. Ok, five. A pack. Two packs...a...a carton. Three big fat cartons in two days. But it's over, I made a decision, I'm not gonna smoke anymore.
Monica(Finds a pack inhis jacket)
ChandlerWell, those are for you. Ross and Rachel's. Ross(On phone.) Alright, we'll just, uh, see you when you get here. Bye. (Hangs up) Huh, that was my mom, she's stuck in terrible traffic.
RachelOk, well that's now the third sign that I should not leave Emma.
RossOh, what were the other two?
RachelWell, see, the first one is: I don't want to. And, second one, I'm not going.
RossRach, I know, it's the first time we're leaving the baby and... hey, I know how hard it is for you, but ... but everything is gonna be fine. I mean my mom is gonna be with her. She's great with kids.
RachelShe is?
RachelHow about Monica.
RossHey, you only hear Monica's side of that ok? That little fatso was a terror.
RachelI just don't think I can do it.
RossRach, you know what, you can. And you should. Really, it'll be good for you. In fact, you know, why don't you, why don't you go ahead to the restaurant and I, will wait for my mom, and then I'll meet you there.
RachelOh, ah...
RossNo, no, really. You should go. Just go! Go! Go out! Really, the world is your oyster. Kick up your heels. Paint the town red.
RachelYou need to learn some new slang.
RossI'm serious. Come on, you should go. Here. (shoves her outside) No, uh-uh, just go.
RachelWait ... Oh!
RossNo! No, you know what? (closes the door) You're not getting back in there, the baby's fine, now scram. Yeah, hit the bricks! Tell your story walking.
RachelI was just going to say that I left my keys.
RossOh, (door is locked) Holy moly, are we in a pickle now. The restaurant. Phoebe and Joey are sitting alone at a table for six. PhoebeWhere is everyone? They're forty minutes late.
JoeyI know.
PhoebeI'm starving. I knew we were coming here tonight, I ate nothing all day.
JoeyOh how about me? I only had one lunch today.
WaiterSo, are we expecting the rest of our party shortly?
Phoebe(Putting on "higher class" way of speaking.) Yeah, they are expected presently. Yeah, yeah um, their arrival is in the offing.
WaiterRight. well we do have a table for two available, perhaps you'd be more comfortable.
JoeyNo, they're coming, we're waiting right here.
PhoebeJoseph! (To waiter) One needn't worry, they-they shan't be long.
WaiterIt's just that we do have some large parties waiting.
PhoebeOne really does have a stick up one's ass, doesn't one. Chandler and Monica's. MonicaWhy would you start smoking again? It's so bad for you.
ChandlerIt's only been two days. That's not enough time to (Coughs) That's totally unrelated.
MonicaHow can you smoke in this day and age? You've not seen that ad? How would a little kid walked through grandpa? It's chilling!
ChandlerI messed up, it was a meeting, everybody was smoking.
MonicaSo what? Don't you have any will power?
ChandlerWill power? I've watched home movies of you eating ding-dongs without taking the tinfoil off.
MonicaYou said that was sexy!
ChandlerOK, look, can we just drop this? I'm not gonna smoke again.
MonicaThat's right, because I forbid you to smoke again.
ChandlerYou forbid me?
ChandlerYou know, I flew a long way to see my loving wife...is she here, by the way?
MonicaDon't joke with me, ok? I'm very, very upset right now.
ChandlerOh, would you say this was the most upset you could be?
MonicaI think so.
ChandlerWell, then, I might as well, do this (Lights a cigarette. Exhales. Pauses.) Not really sure what to do now.
MonicaWell, I'll tell you what we're gonna do, we are already late for Phoebe's birthday dinner, so you're going to put out that cigarette, we're gonna put this fight on hold and go have sex.
ChandlerFine. What?!
MonicaWhat, do you have cigarettes in your ears? Huh? Sex! This is the last day that I'm ovulating, and if we-we don't do it now, then we'll have to wait till next month.
ChandlerYou're serious?
MonicaOh yeah!
ChandlerAll right, fine, I'll do it, but no talking.
MonicaHuh, and no cuddling.
ChandlerAnd no kissing your neck.
MonicaOh, good, I hate it when you do that.
ChandlerAnd lots of kissing your neck! Outside Ross and Rachel's. RossOk, well the super is not home.
RossBut hey, you know, my mother is gonna be here any minute. And she has the key.
RachelI can't, I can't wait that long. You have to do something...knock that door down!
RossI would, but I bruise like a peach. Besides, you know, everything is gonna be fine. The-the baby's sleeping.
RachelWhat if she jumped out the bassinet?
RossCan't hold her own head up, but yeah, jumped.
RachelOh my God, I left the water running.
RossRach, you did not leave the water running. Please, just-just pull yourself together, ok?
RachelAh, did I leave the stove on?
RossYou never cooked since 1996.
RachelIs the window open? Because if there's a window open, a bird could fly in there.
RossOh my god, you know what, yeah, I think you're right. I think, you know what, listen, listen!
RossA-a pigeon. No, no, wait, no, no, an eagle flew in! Landed on the stove and caught fire. The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid. The eagle, however, misconstrues as an act of aggression and grabs the baby in its talons. Meanwhile the faucet fills the apartment with water. Baby and bird still ablaze are locked in a death grip, swirling around in the whirlpool that fills the apartment.
RachelBoy, you're gonna be sorry if that's true.
The restaurant, still only Phoebe and Joey. WaiterHello.
Phoebe & JoeyHey.
WaiterIt's been an hour. The maitre d''s asked if you'd be willing to reconsider switching to a smaller table.
JoeyMaybe we should just eat now.
WaiterYou can't order until the entire party's arrived. Restaurant policy.
JoeyWell, how about this: another table leaves, right? But there's still some food left on their plates, ok, what's the restaurant's policy about people eating that?
WaiterIt's frowned upon.
JoeyBut it happens. (Waiter leaves. To Pheobe.) All right, I gotta go to the bathroom.
PhoebeNo, you can't go. No-no-no, I can't-can't hold this table on my own. If they ask me to move, I'll cave.
JoeyIf you ask me to stay, I'll pee. (leaves)
maitre d'Good evening, Miss. (Phoebe turns her head away) Miss? (from the opposite side) Miss? Miss!
PhoebeOk, fine, I'll move. Alright, you don't have to manhandle me. (gets up) Where? Ok. Thank you. Wow. Will you stop staring at us now?
maitre d'That depends. Will your friend stop drinking olive oil directly from the bottle?
PhoebeProbally not.
Joey(Returns to their old table where elderly people are sitting now, sits) Finally you guys made it. (looks up, turns left to Phoebe's chair) Pheebs, who the hell...ahhh! The Bings' bedroom. MonicaWhat is taking you so long? Come on, let's get it over with!
ChandlerIn a minute, sweet cakes.
MonicaArgh, spend more time with the tie. That'll make a baby.
ChandlerLook, I can't do this. I can't make love to you while we're fighting this way.
MonicaOh sure, now you're Mister Sensitivity. But when you wanted to have sex right after my uncle's funeral...
ChandlerThat was a celebration of life! Alright, look, I'm not gonna do this. Alright, is this really the way you want our baby to be conceived?
MonicaNo, you're right. Yeah, we shouldn't do it like this. Huh. For what it's worth, I'm sorry. I shouldn't come down on you so hard about the smoking. So you had a few cigarettes, it's not the end of the world.
ChandlerYou are incredible. And listen, I'm not gonna smoke again. And if I do, I promise, I will hide it so much better from you. (they kiss)
MonicaDo you want to?
ChandlerYeah, let's celebrate life!
MonicaOk. Ross & Rachel's. They enter with Ross's Mom. Rachel(To Emma) Oh, God, Oh, thank god, you're ok. Oh, I'm so sorry we left you. Mommy will never leave you again. Never ever ever again.
RossGreat. So let's get going?
RachelOh no. I mean it. After what've just happened, I'm never leaving her again.
Ross's MomI understand, separation is hard. One time I was about to leave Ross to go to the beauty parlor and he got so upset, he took off all his clothes, tucked his willie between his legs and cried out: "Mommy, I'm a girl, take me with you."
RossSomehow, over time, it got easier to be apart from you. Monica and Chandler's, in bed. ChandlerUhh. You are welcome.
MonicaYou know what? Let's not talk.
MonicaOoh, I am still so mad at you for smoking.
ChandlerBut you said you forgave me. It was just a couple of cigarettes, no big deal.
MonicaOh, blah blah blah blah. Well, I just said that because I was ovulating and-and you said you wouldn't have sex with me if we were fighting.
ChandlerYou tricked me to get me into bed?
MonicaThat's right. I got mine.
ChandlerI feel so used. The Restaurant. PhoebeWell, I guess they're not coming. You wanna just order?
JoeyThank you. (Kisses her on the lips) Waiter! All right, this is gonna go fast, so try to keep up. Risotto with the shaved truffels and the roasted rip steak with the golden Chanterelles and a Bordelaise sauce, unless any of that stuff I just said means snails.
WaiterIt does not.
PhoebeTomato tart and which of the pastas would you recommend?
WaiterOh, they're both exquisite.
PhoebeBoth it is, thank you.
JoeyAll right, now let's go, baby, it's food time, bring it, bitch. (The waiter stares at him) Sorry about that.
WaiterThat's, quite all right.
JoeyOh, uh, can I make a special request? Can you bring everything as soon as it's ready? Appetizers, entrées, we don't care.
Ross & Rachel(entering) Hey, hi, hi!
WaiterI'll just wait to put your order in.
JoeyWhat did I ever do to you?
WaiterNothing, bitch.
PhoebeYou guys are over an hour late. What happened to you two?
RossI'm so sorry ...
RachelWe got locked out of the apartment, we ...
JoeyThat's a great story. Can I eat it?
RossAnd then Rachel wasn't sure she could leave the baby.
RachelYeah it wasn't easy, but it's your birthday and I did what I had to do.
PhoebeAnd that's Judy over there at the bar with Emma?
RachelBut honey, this is for the best, this way I'm not distracted, worrying about Emma, how she's doing at home and then I'm gonna be completely here with you and, oh, she spit up!
RachelShe spit up. Judy! She spit...Judy! Look alive, Judy! (To waiter, opening menu) Thank you.
Ross(To waiter, opening menu) Thanks. Oh.
RachelOh, ooh, everything looks delicious. What should I ha-ave? What should I have?
Joey(mumbling) Never hit a woman. Never hit a woman.
RossI know what you means, this is incredible.
Joey(still mumbling to himself) Ross bruises like a peach. He bruises like a peach.
RossOk, I'll have the fig salad and the duck.
RachelYeah, I'll have the soup and the salmon.
JoeyAnd remember whatever comes up first. Ok? And hurry, because-
MonicaHappy birthday!
JoeySon of a bitch!
PhoebeWhere, where have you been?
MonicaWell, we, had a little fight.
ChandlerI would never lie to get someone into bed.
MonicaYou used to tell girls you were a Kennedy. (To the waiter) Thanks. Wow, little tight, isn't it? Why you didn't get a bigger table? You-you had a big table, but they made you move. Huh-huh, shut up Monica. (Looks at menu) Oh, Well I suppose that Chandler will have the SMOKED duck.
ChandlerI suppose that Monica will have the ... manipulative shrew.
JoeyHow'd I miss that?
Waiter(Leaving) I'll give you another minute.
JoeyWhere're you going? (Following) He said she wanted the shrew!
RossRach, come on, Emma is fine. You're turning into an obsessive mother. Ok, you need to stop.
RachelYou guys ever hear the story about when Ross's mom went to the beauty salon?
ChandlerYou mean the willie story?
RossHuh-huh, they already knew it! (Ross wins...but then realizes that perhaps it's not a good thing that they already know this story.)
PhoebeYou guys, we've been waiting for you for a long time, maybe you should order.
Joey(Returning) No, no, it's ok, I already told the waiter what they want.
MonicaWhy would you do that?
JoeyChandler, control your woman!
Rachel(Lifts glass for a toast) Ok, well, everybody's ordered, I would like to start the celebration and make a toast ... to Phoebe. She dropped her sock.
PhoebeAw... what?
RachelNo, Emma dropped her sock.
ChandlerHow'd you know that?
RachelShe's over there.
RossMom's with her.
MonicaMom's here? I wanted to have lunch with her today, she told me she was out of town.
RachelWait, Ross, she still has not noticed that the baby's sock is on the ground.
PhoebeIt's a good toast.
Rachel(to Ross) Will you please get her attention?
RossOh-wh, mommy? Mother? (Mouths "socks" to Judy. Judy doesn't get it)
Phoebe(getting up) Oh, for god's sake, (shouting) Judy, pick up the sock! Pick up the sock! Pick up the sock! (everybody stares) I'm sorry, was that rude? Did-did my, my little outburst blunt the hideousness that is this evening? Look, I know, you all have a lot going on, but all I wanted to do, was have dinner with my friends on my birthday. And you are all so late and you didn't even have the courtesy to call. (her phone rings) Well, it's too late now.
RossYeah, Pheebs, I don't think that's us.
PhoebeOh! Well, this is, this is, this is not over! (on phone) Hello?
RachelAw, I feel terrible. We should've been strong and left Emma at home.
RachelThere are some adult willy stories they don't know.
RossWe should've been stronger.
Joey(To Chandler and Monica) And what is going on with you two?
MonicaWell, you see, I'm ovulating.
ChandlerOh yeah, that's what she says. But maybe you're not ovulating at all, maybe it's just all a clever ruse to get me into bed.
MonicaYes smokie, that is what it was. I just can't get enough.
Chandler(to Joey) You're not gonna believe this: She lied! She tricked me into having sex with her.
JoeySo? You get to have sex, right?
ChandlerWhat's the matter with me? Why I'm such a girl?
Phoebe(returns) Ok, that was Mike.
RachelPhoebe, honey, we're so sorry. You're totally right. We are here one hundred per cent and we love you and we are ready to start your birthday celebration.
PhoebeHuh, you guys, that means the world to me. Huh, ok, I'm gonna take off.
PhoebeOh, I love you guys too, but you know, Mike got off work early. Wait. Wait, I'm not, not the kind of girl that just ditches her friends to be with her boyfriend. You know what? I am. Bye guys! (waves to the bar) Judy! Bye.
RachelOh thank god, if Phoebe's gone, can we please take Emma home?
RossYou know, I think that's a good idea. Our babysitter just pounded another Chardonnay. Bye, you guys.
JoeySee ya. Well, this is just us.
Monica & ChandlerMhum.
MonicaSo, I'm, I'm probably still ovulating. Do you wanna give it another try?
ChandlerAll right. So, you've never had sex with a Kennedy, have you?
MonicaOh, actually, Richard was a Kennedy on his mother's side.
ChandlerWhy did you break up with that guy?
JoeyYou, you gonna go do it now?
MonicaWe don't have much time. Once the egg decends into the fallopian tube-
JoeyNo, no (Not wanting to hear). Get out here.
(Monica and Chandler leave, the waiter comes)
WaiterI sincerely hope the rest of your party is returning.
JoeyNah, just me. All alone. (all the food is served) Dinner for six for one, huh. (To waitstaff) You boys are about to see something really special. Continues, Joey finished everything. WaiterHow was everything, sir?
JoeyExcellent. The shrew in particular, was exquisite .
WaiterWell, I hope you've got some room left.
Waiters(With birthday cake, singing) Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear ...
JoeyJoey! Joey.
Waiters... Joey, happy birthday to you.
JoeyThis is the best birthday ever.

Written by Scott Silveri; Directed by David Schwimmer; Transcribed by Christoph Päper; Annotated by ncp