Monica and Chandler's apartment.
MonicaHey hon, would you help me get the plates down?
ChandlerYeah. Hey, here's an idea, why don't we use our wedding china today?
MonicaOr, we can save them for a, a fancy special occasion.
ChandlerHow about this, you could treat me like I'm an equal, or, talk down to me like I'm a child.
MonicaNo, I just think that we should save our china for something really special, like, if the Queen of England comes over.
ChandlerHoney, she keeps canceling on us. Take the hint.
MonicaWhat if something gets broken? They're so expensive!
ChandlerWhat is the point of having them if we never use them?
MonicaOk, but if something gets broken, and then the Queen comes over...
ChandlerI will explain it to her.
Monica (Laughing) Oh yeah, like I'm gonna let you talk to the Queen.
JoeyWow, the parade is really good this year. Man those horses can crap!
TV announcerNext up is a marching band from Muskogee, Oaklahoma.
ChandlerMuskogee! That's like four hours from Tulsa. Woo-hoo! Y'all look great! That's right, I said "y'all!"
TV announcerAnd here's the float with the stars of the popular daytime soap Days of Our Lives.
JoeyOh my God!
ChandlerAren't you one of the stars of the popular daytime soap Days of Our Lives?
JoeyYeah! I totally forgot I'm supposed to be there. I can't believe I forgot. I usually write stuff like this down on my arm.
(Chandler grabs Joey's arm and pushes the sleeve up)
JoeyOh! Stupid long sleeves.
ChandlerWhat are you gonna do?
JoeyI guess I'm gonna have to come up with a really good reason why I wasn't there. The producers are gonna be so mad at me. They sat us all down yesterday and said "Everyone has to be there at 6:00 AM sharp, that means you Tribbiani." Like... like I was some kinda idiot.
ChandlerWell you proved them wrong.
Ross and Rachel's Apartment.
(Ross and Rachel are putting baby stuff together like they're going to be going somewhere.)
Rachel (To Emma) Oh Emma. This is your first Thanksgiving. What're you thankful for? Mommy's bobbies.
RossA lot of people are thankful for those.
(knock on door)
Woman at doorHello? Rachel?
RachelWho is it?
Woman at doorIt's your favorite sister.
Woman at doorAmy.
RachelHide my rings.
(Ross goes into Rachel's room)
RachelOh. (opens door preparing herself and then happily says) Amy! Happy Thanksgiving.
AmyDo you have a hair straightener?
AmyOh... hi... (goes to Rachel with open arms)
(Amy grabs her arms)
RachelI haven't seen you in like a year.
AmyOh, I know, I know. I've just been crazed.
RachelOh well yeah me too. Um... I had a baby.
AmyI decorated Dad's office.
RachelOh... yeah? Well unless you pushed a desk out of your vagina, (shakes head no) not the same thing.
AmyListen, um, about the hair straightener, honey... I really need one. I'm gonna have dinner at my boyfriend's house.
(Amy bending over fiddling with her purse when Emma cries and she hears Emma)
AmyOh my God!
AmyIs this Emmett? (pointing to Emma)
RachelUhh, it's Emma.
AmyIt's a girl?
(Ross comes out of the bedrooms)
RachelOh Amy, you remember Ross.
AmyNot really. But you are much cuter then that geeky guy she used to date.
RossThat was me.
AmyNo, he was this creepy guy from high school who had this huge crush on her since like the ninth grade.
AmyNo, I'm not talking about you. (to Rachel) Come on, it was your fat friend's brother with that bad Afro, do you remember?
RossAmy, I'm gonna save you some time, ok? (spins finger around in circle) All me.
Monica and Chandler's Apartment.
(Joey is walking around looking worried. )
MonicaCareful. (hands Chandler a china plate) Careful. CAREFUL!
(Chandler is startled and nearly drops the plates.) Sorry.
ChandlerI'll tell you what, for the rest of our lives, I'll be careful until told otherwise. (looks at china) hey this isn't the china we picked out.
MonicaI know, after you left the store, I chose different ones.
MonicaWell no offense honey, but your taste is a little feminine for me.
ChandlerOh suddenly, flowers are feminine?
(Phoebe comes in)
PhoebeHey, everybody. Happy Thanksgiving!
JoeyHey happy Thanksgiving... Pheebs! (motions her to come over)
PhoebeHey, what's going on Joe?
JoeyI... I... I need a good lie.
PhoebeOh ok. How about the whole "man walking on the moon" thing. You know? You-you could. You could see the strings people!
JoeyNo, no, no. I need a good lie to explain why I wasn't at a work thing today.
PhoebeOoh, honey. You stink at lying.
JoeyWell, I do not.
PhoebeOh really? Ok, let me ask you something. Yesterday at the coffee house, I went to the bathroom and when I came back, my muffin was gone-who took it?
JoeySomebody opened the door to the coffee house and a raccoon came running in, and went straight for your muffin, I said "Hey! Don't eat that-that's Phoebe's" and he said... (pause) He said... "Joey you stink at lying." What am I gonna do?
PhoebeDon't worry, don't. We'll come up with a good lie. I'll help you practice it.
JoeyOh great, that'd be great. Thank you.
PhoebeSure, what... what was the work thing?
JoeyUh... (forgetting what the work thing was, rolls up his sleeve on his right arm and shows Phoebe, she looks)
Phoebe"Pick up grandma at the airport"?
Ross and Rachel's Apartment.
AmyOh, she's precious. Do you ever worry that she's gonna get your real nose?
RachelAmy! (pause) Yes I do... I really do. (grabs Ross' hand for support)
(Amy's cellphone rings)
AmyHello? Yeah, um. Hang on one sec. (to Ross and Rachel) Can I take this upstairs?
RossSure, we don't live there, but...
AmySeriously? It's... just these rooms? (moves hands around motioning 'just these rooms') (To Ross) I thought you were a doctor.
RachelYeah, no. Ross has a-a PhD.
AmyEw. (walks into Rachel's room, I'm guessing)
RachelGod, she is unbelievable.
RossI know, I mean a PhD is just as good as an MD.
RachelOh sure Ross, yeah. If I ever have a heart attack in a restaurant, I want you there with your fossil brush.
Amy(Storms out) Stupid Thanksgiving.
RachelWhat? What happened?
AmyMy boyfriend canceled on me. I mean... I-I finally find a real relationship. I mean, someone that I can spend this day with and then his wife comes back into town. I swear, it's-it's almost not even worth dating married guys.
RossDon't say that.
AmyOh. I was so looking forward to this. It was gonna be such a beautiful Thanksgiving. We were gonna have sushi.
RachelOh Amy, don't cry Amy. Um... Ross, could I talk to you in private?
RossSure, you wanna go upstairs?
(Ross and Rachel go in the kitchen)
RachelUm, look, I was thinking... If it's ok with Monica, I would like to invite Amy to Thanksgiving.
RossYou know, I think that's a great idea. It'll be like the pilgrims bringing the Indians syphilis.
RachelLook I know she's a little tough to take. But she has no where else to go, and she's my sister. Alright, she's Emma's aunt. And I would like them to bond.
RossOk, fine, but I-I don't want them bonding too much. I don't want her telling Emma she needs a nose job.
RachelWh? Ross, you know what? She may need one...We're just gonna have to make our peace with that!
(Rachel grabs Ross' hand for support and starts to cry a little)
RachelAmy? Amy? Amy!
AmyI'm out in the hall, your baby had some sort of explosion of stink.
RossThe bonding is going great.
Monica and Chandler's apartment.
Rachel(Opens their door) Hi.
RachelHey you guys, this is my sister Amy. (To Amy) This is Chandler, Joey, Phoebe and you know Mon.
AmyOh my god. You're on Days of Our Lives.
AmyWow. They must put a lot of makeup on you.
Joey(Looks dejected) Hap... Hap... Happy Thanksgiving, yeah.
(Joey turns away and Chandler reassuringly pats him on the back)
(Monica and Ross hug and kiss on check)
Monica(To Amy) So welcome. Uhm, is this your first time you're seeing Emma?
Amy(With confused look on face) Yeah I... I think so. (sticks her hand out to shake hands with Phoebe and says to her) It's nice to meet you Emma.
Phoebe(Shakes her hand and says) Phoe-Be.
AmyOh. That's a funny noise.
(Monica and Amy turn away and walk into the living room towards the secret closet)
JoeyPheebs, I still need some help here.
PhoebeOh, right, ok um. Ok, so it's not just the lie you tell. but it's the way you tell it. For example, if you look down at the ground when you're talking, people know you're lying.
JoeyOh... I don't know why this is so hard for me. you know... I mean lying is basically just acting and I am a terrific actor.
Phoebe(Looks down) You are a terrific actor.
(Joey realizes what she's doing)
ChandlerI could talk to the producers for you. I'm a great liar. Take Monica's dress, I said I loved it, I hated it.
ChandlerI'm also a great moron.
Amy(Coming out of the bathroom) Where's the baby?
RachelOh we just put her down for a nap.
AmyOh, listen, I was just thinking. You know what would be incredible? If you guys died.
Ross(First has a look of 'huh' then changes it to sarcastic happy) Thank you Amy.
AmyNo, no, then I would get the baby. I mean you know it would be just like a movie. Like at first I wouldn't know what to do with her, then I would rise to the occasion and then, and I'd get make over and then I'd get married.
PhoebeThat's a great movie. (she claps)
(Joey nods in agreement)
AmyNow, listen, not that you guys could stop me or anything 'cause you know, you'd be dead. But, I was thinking about changing her name. I'm just not really a big fan of Emily.
Amy(Turns around to Phoebe) Emma, Ross wants you.
Amy(Turns to Ross and Rachel) Why does she keep making that noise?
RachelHoney, I-I don't know how to tell you this, but um, if something were to happen to Ross or myself (Ross and Rachel knock on wood) um, you wouldn't get the baby.
AmyWell, who would?
RossWell, we haven't offically asked them yet, but we would want Monica and Chandler.
RossYou're in their apartment.
ChandlerI can't believe you'd want us to raise Emma.
MonicaYeah oh my God, I'm so moved.
AmyI don't believe this, hold on a second. You guys die and I don't get your baby?
RachelLook, Amy, see, we-we're a lot closer to Monica and Chandler. We see them every day. And truthfully honey, you don't seem very connected to the baby.
AmyConnected? I mean... to what? She's... she's a lump.
ChandlerYou know, guys, I gotta say, this means so much to me. I mean, that you would trust me, with your child. I mean, we all know that Monica and I 've been trying to have a baby of our own. And you know I've had my doubts about my skills as a father, but that you two... that you two..... (starts to cry)
Amy(Points to Chandler) This guy? Seriously?
[Later in the day.]
MonicaOk! It's time for dinner. Everyone, we-we're using our fancy china... um and it's-it's very expensive, so please be careful.
Ross(Starts playing with a plate) Woah. Woah... (nearly really drops the plate and more seriously) Woah.
MonicaOk, uh, just to be clear, comedy with the plates will not be well recieved. (pinches Ross' arm)
(Ross makes some sort of sound to let us know it hurt.)
JoeyHey! How come my plate's less fancy then everyone else's? Do you not trust me with a fancy plate?
MonicaNo, honey, it's, that's a special plate. See it was-it's a game, whoever gets that plate wins.
JoeyI can't believe I won.
AmyYou know, this's such a slap in the face. I mean I'm your sister and you would give your baby to these strangers over me.
RachelMonica is Ross' sister.
AmyNo, Ross' sister was really fat.
MonicaThat was me.
AmyNo, she was this really dorky girl in high school, used to follow Rachel around like a puppy dog.
RachelOk. Hey Amy, you got to stop doing that.
(Amy gets pissed and starts cutting food on the fancy plate very harshly, you can hear the silveware scraping the fancy plate)
Monica(About to have a heart attack) Ok, uh listen I know that you're having a little bit of a family crisis, but you don't have to take it out on the plates. I mean, in-in fact I think that, that everyone should, uhm, cut their food like this.
(Monica holds a turkey leg up in the air over the plate trying to cut meat off with a knife)
MonicaNow, see, uh this way you protect the plates... and-and let's face it, you have fun.
AmyOk, how about this, if you guys die and the crazy plate lady dies, then do I get the baby?
ChandlerNo, if crazy plate lad... (sees Monica frustrated at this comment) If Monica dies then I would get Emma, Right?
(Ross and Rachel pause and ponder this)
RossUh... it's just, it's just in that case, then, um, Emma would go to my parents.
AmyHurts, doesn't it?
(Chandler gives a look that says "Yeah!")
Joey(Raises his hand) Uh... who has to die for me to get her?
(Everyone is looking around and at Joey with looks of 'what?' on their faces)
ChandlerSo, if Monica's not around, I'm not good enough to raise Emma?
Ross(Looks down) No, that, that is not what we're saying.
JoeyYeah he's lying. He looked down.
(Joey looks to Phoebe and she nods in agreement)
ChandlerWell what is wrong with me? Am I ... am I incompetent? Because I managed to survive whatever it is that killed the three of you!
RachelHoney, you're taking this the wrong way. We-we think you're going to be a wonderful parent. It's just... you-you're more the, you know, fun parent.
RossYeah and we'd want to make sure that Emma also has someone like Monica who is more of a, a discliplinarin, someone who can be firm and strict.
MonicaThat's not how you see me, is it?
Phoebe(While cutting a sweet potato in the air) No you're all about the fun.
ChandlerLook, I may not know a lot about babies, but do you really think I'm not capable?
RossNo, you-you both are equally capable. It's-it's just... you're strongest when, when you're together.
ChandlerOk. So if we both had Emma and I died (knocks on table) she had have to give her up.
RossSure, Monica would have to give her up.
JoeyI lie better then that, right?
ChandlerSo, let me, let me just get this straight. So my two friends die, I get Emma. Then my wife dies, then Emma the one tiny ray of hope left in my life gets taken away from me?
PhoebeThere's your movie! (claps)
[Later on. Monica opens her front door. Chandler is sitting in the hallway.]
MonicaHey. There you are. You disappeared after dinner.
ChandlerOh? Did somebody miss me? Is there a child to raise poorly?
MonicaRoss and Rachel don't know what they're talking about. I mean it's not like their so responsible. Emma is a product of a bottle of Merlot and a five year old condom.
ChandlerYeah but they're right. I mean, I'm not a strong father figure and I never will be.
MonicaNo, you learn these things. You grow-grow into it.
ChandlerYeah, but it's not who I am. You know? Everything they said is exaclty why I was worried about having a kid. And it's true. And look, everybody knows it.
MonicaI don't know it! I wanna have a kid with you because I think you're gonna be an amazing dad... at the fun parts and the hard parts.
ChandlerOh yeah, well, can you picture me saying "Go to your room! You're grounded"?
MonicaCan you hear me say "You're grounded"?
ChandlerYou said that to me last week.
MonicaHow hard is it? No shoes on the furniture.
Back to Monica and Chandler's apartment. Amy is sitting on a chair by the bay window looking mad.
Joey(Groans and gets off the phone) The producer from Days left a message on my machine asking why I wasn't at the parade. They said everybody's really pissed off at me... (whiny voice) And they all got to meet Santa!
PhoebeIt's ok. I thought of the perfect lie for you. It's simple, it's easy to remember and doesn't invite a lot of questions.
JoeyDoes it have something to do with a spaceship? Oh no no no no, the Statue of Liberty came to life, and...
PhoebeShhh. You weren't at the parade because you had a family emergency.
JoeyOh, I like that, yeah. Wasn't at the parade because I had a family emergency.
PhoebeOoh, what happened?
Joey(All nervous and looking down and fiddling with his ear) Uh... my sister's raccoon...
PhoebeNo! Nothing with a raccoon.
JoeyAlright, I'll take care of it. (throws hands out in the air)
(Monica and Chandler come through the front door.)
MonicaOh wait... what-what're you doing?
JoeySetting the table.
PhoebeYeah we thought it would be nice to use, the fancy china for dessert too.
MonicaOh, how nice. Maybe later we can all go blow our noses on my wedding dress.
(Ross comes out of the guest bedroom with the diaper bag and the car seat carrying thingy He goes to Chandler.)
RossHey dude, you ok? Sorry about before.
ChandlerOh no that's ok, you're totally right. I don't know anything about disciplining a child. But it did hurt my feelings and I want you to know that if I die, you don't get Joey.
(Ross walks away with a face of "yeah ok".)
Amy(Walks over to the couch and sits down next to Rachel) Ucch. (pauses) Uchh (louder this time) In case you hadn't noticed, I'm not talking to you.
RachelUCHH! (much louder and longer then Amy's)
AmyYou know... this is, this is classic Rachel.
RachelOh yeah, yeah, right. Remember in high school when I died and didn't give you my baby?
AmyThis might be my one chance to have a child, Rachel. I mean, you know that I have been so busy focusing on my carrer.
RachelWhat? What carrer?
AmyUm... I'm a decorator.
RachelYou decorate dad's office and now you're a decorator? Ok! I went to the zoo yesterday, now I'm a koala bear.
AmyWhy can't you ever be supportive?
RachelSup... You wanna talk supportive? You didn't even come and visit me when I was in the hospital having the baby.
AmyOh. Yeah. Well, you didn't come to see me in the hospital when I was getting my lips done.
RachelI did the first time! Oh. Oh (gets up and walks into the kitchen) And you know what. You wanna know why I'm not giving Emily to you.
Rachel(Turns to Ross) Oh whose side are you on? (Back to Amy) I'm not giving you Emma because there is no way you could handle the responibility of a child.
AmyWell how hard could it be? You do it.
AmyDo I know why you don't wanna me to have the baby?
AmyBecause you don't want me to be happy. You-you have always been jealous of me.
RachelJealous of what? Of your lack of responsiblity? You, your immaturity? Your total disregard for other people's feelings?
AmyUh... To name a few. You know, you just, you've always been like this. You just, you had to have everything. And I couldn't have anything. Like in junior high, when you stole Timmy from me. I mean, do you even realize how much that hurt me?
RachelTimmy was my boyfriend, and you made out with him!
AmyOh come on, that was 20 years ago. Get over it.
RachelI cannot believe, I cannot believe that I invited you here today.
AmyYeah, well you know what I cannot believe. That my so-called sister, gets a 30% discount from Ralph Lauren and I still have to pay retail?!
RachelHa ha ha. Ah ha ha. (evil menacing laughter) It's forty five.
AmyYou bitch. You just think you're so perfect. With your new baby and your, your small apartment. (directs this to Ross who in turns throws the towel in his hand down on the table) Well let me tell you something. Your baby isn't even that cute.
(Everyone sucks their breath in, in shock)
Ross walks overToo far, Amy. Too far.
RachelYou take that back.
RachelTake it back!
AmyNo! What're you gonna do? Make me?
RachelHeey man, I work out.
(Ross nods his head and points at her, in a yes manner)
AmySo do I.
RachelI do pilates.
AmyI do yoga.
RachelBring it on!
(Amy pushes Rachel and Monica goes berserk and runs around the table)
MonicaPut the plates back in the boxes! Put the plates back in the boxes!
RachelDid you just push me?
AmyUh, yeah, I think I did.
RachelAlright. Thats it! (Pushes Amy back)
Monica(Screaming at Ross) Forget the bubblewrap! There isn't time!
(Rachel and Amy 'fighting' They're really just trying to slap each other and just keep slapping their hands)
Rachel(Messing up Amy's hair) Frizzy frizzy frizzy frizzy!
(They go back to fighting and then it really gets on)
PhoebeOh my gosh! Shouldn't we stop this?
JoeyWhat? Are you out of your mind? Let's throw some jello on them.
PhoebeHey, someone can get hurt.
RossKick her, Rach, kick her!
JoeyPull her top off, Rach! Pull her top off!
(Amy starts spitting on Rachel's hand and Rachel is saying ew and pushes her away)
(Amy runs towards Rachel and Rachel puts her arm out, hand on Amy's head and Amy starts trying to hit her but is missing, Rachel is moving backwards towards the table when her hand swipes the one plate left on the table on to the floor)
(Everyone is shocked and Monica faints and Ross catches her)
ChandlerAlright! That is it. This is our apartment and you can not behave this way. Now if you can't act your age then you shouldn't be here at all. Now those plates may not be as nice as the pretty pink ones that I picked out, but they're very important to Monica. And I want you to apologize to her right now.
RachelMon, I'm so sorry.
ChandlerOk. That's better. Now I want you to apologize to each other and mean it.
Amy and Rachel(At same time) Sorry.
ChandlerBy the way, that fight was totally arousing.
RossDude. Well done. You know what? If-if I die, and Rachel dies and Monica dies you can totally take care of Emma.
ChandlerOh yeah? Well thanks.
RossSo, so now do I get Joey?
ChandlerOk, but you should know he eats five times a day and shoves pennies up his nose.
(Ross ponders that and walks away)
RachelAre you ok Mon?
MonicaUh huh... I mean these things happen. I mean it's just a plate, not like somebody died.
PhoebeThat's all right. You can mourn.
Monica(Starts crying) Thank you. It was so beautiful. (gets up and walks towards the front door) I'm gonna go to Joeys and get the pies.
JoeyActually not pies, it's just pie.
MonicaI don't care. (pauses and realizes...) Oh my god. I've lost the will to scold.
RachelLook Amy, got a little um, it's out of control over there...Um... and I'm sorry. You're my sister and uh... if it really means that much to you-
AmySo you're gonna give me the baby?
RachelNo, I was, I was gonna let you use my Ralph Lauren discount.
Amy(starting to cry) You are not gonna regret this.
(They hug and Rachel has this disgusted look on her face and then Emma starts crying)
RachelShe needs changing.
ChandlerOh no no, I'll get her. I'm super-compentent, totally responsibile and fourth in line to raise Emma. I'll be right there Emma. Just let me get my trusty diaper bag here. (knocks over the box of china) Well, what'd you know? I guess I'll be the one who dies first.
Chandler is packing the broken china in its box. He's taping up the top of box so thoroughly, there isn't an inch of cardboard which isn't covered in tape. He is struggling with the tape dispenser.
PhoebeHey, does Monica know about her broken plates yet?
PhoebeBroke them all, huh?
PhoebeYou gonna tell her?
ChandlerNope. (Monica walks in) Hey, so, I'm gonna... put the plates back. You know, I think you were right, I don't think we should use these plates again for a looong time.
MonicaLike only if the queen comes?
ChandlerMaybe not even then. (Joey walks in)
JoeyHey! I did it. I called my producer. I told him I had a family emergency, he totally bought it. Thanks for teaching me how to lie Pheebs.
PhoebeNo problem! Next week, stealing... (Chandler walks away to store the box of broken china.)
JoeyOh, you told her you broke all the plates, huh? (Chandler walks back, looking angrily at Joey)
MonicaWhat? Something happened with the plates?
JoeyUhm... (looks down) Yeah... this uhm... raccoon came in.
Directed by Kevin S. Bright; Written by Shana Goldberg-Meehan; Annotated by ncp