Chandler's office in Tulsa. His assistant is showing him photographs. Jo LynnThis kitty is Mittens, this one is Fitzhugh, and this little guy in the cat condo, is Jinkies.
ChandlerYep. That's a lot of cats Jo Lynn. Single, are ya?
(Phone rings. Chandler motions Jo Lynn to answer it, but she is busy flipping through the photos.)
Chandler(To Jo Lynn) I'll get it. (On the phone) Chandler Bing.
JoeyHey. How come you're answering your own phone? Where's your crazy assistant?
(She frowns. Chandler picks up the handset.)
Chandler(To Jo Lynn) You're not crazy. You're not crazy. Otherwise, why would you have all those cats? (To Joey) What's up Joe?
JoeyOk, what have we always wanted to do together?
ChandlerBraid each other's hair and ride horseback on the beach?
JoeyNo, no, no. When you get home tomorrow night, you and I are gonna be at the Wizzards-Knicks game... courtside!
ChandlerCourtside? Oh my God.
JoeyYeah. Maybe Michael Jordon will dive for the ball and break my jaw with his knee.
ChandlerThat is so cool. I'll let Monica know.
(Chandler hangs up and calls Monica.)
Jo LynnThese need your signature.
ChandlerOh, listen, Jo Lynn, that was my friend Joey. He calls everybody crazy.
(Monica answers the phone.)
MonicaHello?
ChandlerHey, hon, it's me.
MonicaHi! Honey, how's the crazy cat lady?
Chandler(To Jo Lynn) All right. (Jo Lynn storms off.) (To Monica) Joey just called. He's got courtside Knicks tickets for him and me tomorrow night.
MonicaReally? But tomorrow night is the only night I get off from the restaurant. You go to the game, then we won't have a night together for another week.
ChandlerBut honey, it's courtside. The cheerleaders are gonna to be right in fr... (Pause) That's not the way to convince you.
MonicaChandler look, I don't wanna be one of those wives that says, "You can't go to the game. You have to spend time with me. " So, if you could just realize it on your own...
ChandlerI-I know. You're right. I wanna see you too. I've just got to figure out a way to tell Joey, you know? He's really looking forward to this.
MonicaTell him that you haven't seen your wife in a long time. Tell him that having a long-distance relationship is really difficult. Tell him that what little time we have together is, is precious.
ChandlerYeah, ah, ah... I'll think of something. Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is in the living room covering Emma. Rachel enters wearing a sexy dress. RossWow! (pause) Wow, you, you look... uh... I mean, it's just, ah... That-that dress... uh...
RachelWell, I hope the ends of these sentences are good.
RossWell, they-they're good. It's just been a while since I've seen you like this. You, you clean up good.
RachelOh well, well thank you. (She laughs. He stares for a moment.) Ok, stop. Stop looking at me like that. Last time that happened, (points to Ross) that happened. (points to Emma.)
RossOh right, right. (They pause and exchange a glance. Then, Ross looks away.) So, are you... ah... you excited about your, your first night away from Emma?
RachelYeah, yeah. Phoebe and I are gonna have so much fun. And thank you for watching the baby, by the way.
RossOh, it's fine. Actually, I, I invited Mike over.
RachelPhoebe's Mike?
RossYeah.
RachelI didn't know that you guys hung out.
RossWe don't. But I thought it would be nice to get to know him. You know, maybe have a little dinner, drinks, conversation.
RachelOh that's so cute, Ross and Mike's first date.
RossIt's not a date. But if it turns out to be something more we don't wanna be interrupted, l'll leave a tie on the door.
{If your roommate has a boyfriend or girlfriend, ask about their expectations regarding privacy. You may want to set up a "signal" to indicate when a member of the opposite sex is visiting (a hanger on the doorknob, a brief note, etc). [Top 10 Tips for Living with Roommates]}
RachelWell, is that gonna be awkward? I mean, what're you guys gonna talk about?
RossI don't know. But, you know, we, we have a lot in common, you know. Um, he plays piano; I played keyboards in college. Uh, he's been divorced; I have some experience in that area.
(Rachel nods. There is a knock on the door.)
RachelYeah.
(Phoebe and Mike enter.)
PhoebeHi!
RachelHey.
Phoebe(spotting Rachel's dress) Oooh. Girl's night out indeed.
Rachel(To Ross) Ok. So now, I think Emma is probably down for the night, but if you need anything Ross...
RossRach, Rach, we'll be fine, all right? You go have fun.
RachelOk. You too. And I hope you score. (to Mike) Bye.
MikeBye.
RossSo... Welcome.
Mike(Holds up a six pack of Foster's Lager) I got beer.
RossI got bottled breast milk.
MikeEh, why don't we start with the beer?
RossOk. (They sit.) So, um, Phoebe tells me you, ah, you play piano.
MikeYeah.
RossYou know, I, I used to, ah, play keyboards in college.
MikeAh? (pause) Do you have one here?
RossNo.
MikeOk. (pause)
(They clink beer bottles, and drink. Then, they stare uncomfortably at their bottles.)
RossUm... ah, you know, I'm-I'm divorced. Um, Phoebe, Phoebe says you... you've been divorced?
MikeYeah. (pause) Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't, I don't really like to talk about it.
Ross(pause) That's ok. We'll-we'll talk about (pause) something else. (They pause. They drink.)
MikeThis is a nice apartment.
RossOh, thanks. The uh, the moldings are all original.
MikeYeah, I-I don't know if the moldings are original in my apartment. You're a paleontologist, right?
RossYeah.
MikeMy cousin's a paleontologist.
RossAh? (Mike nods. Another pause.) Well, he and I would probably have a lot to talk about. Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica is wearing a sexy negligee. She pours two glasses of wine as Chandler enters with a carry-on suitcase. He sets the case by the door. MonicaHi.
ChandlerHey.
MonicaWelcome home.
Chandler(Hangs his jacket over the suitcase, locks the door, then turns to Monica.) Oh well, look at you.
MonicaYeah. What'd you think?
ChandlerWell, it looks great. It's just... well, I'm wearing the same thing underneath. So...
MonicaOh.
ChandlerYou see what I mean... (They kiss.)
(There is a loud thud at the door.)
JoeyOh! Hey! How come your door's locked?
MonicaJust a second.
Chandler(hushed) No, no, no, no, no. Joey can't know that I'm here.
MonicaWhy not?
ChandlerBecause I didn't know how to tell him that I couldn't go to the Knicks game. So I just told him that I had to stay in Tulsa.
MonicaSo, you lied to him?
ChandlerAchhh. It's always better to lie than to have the complicated discussion. (pause) Except with you.
JoeyHey! Open the door. What's going on? (He knocks.)
(Monica goes to the door. Chandler slides behind it as she opens it slightly.)
JoeyWhat are you (He sees her in her negligee.) Why are you dressed like that?
MonicaOh, because, um, well, Chandler's gonna be home in a couple of days. So, I thought I would just uh, you know, practice the art of seduction.
JoeyOh, I thought I heard a man's voice before.
MonicaNo! Oh I was just doing Chandler's side of the conversation. You know, like, "Hi, How do I look?" (As Chandler) "Really sexy. Could I BE any more turned on?" you know-
JoeyOk. (pause. He looks over her shoulder at the table with the wine.) wait a minuate. Why-why're there two glasses of wine out?
MonicaBecause, one of them is for you.
(Monica turns to get the wine. Chandler peeps through the peephole. Joey, seeing something, peeps back. Chandler ducks. Monica returns with two glasses of wine. She gives one to Joey.)
MonicaCheers. (She clinks his glass and pulls back.) Ok, bye-bye. (She closes the door.)
ChandlerYou know, it's funny. I've been, ah, practicing the art of seduction myself. (He raises his hands in front of himself, sticks out his behind, and wiggles it.) Hi ya.
MonicaYou might wanna keep practicing.
ChandlerYah.
(Chandler's cellphone rings. He looks at it.)
ChandlerIt's Joey.
MonicaWhat?
Chandler(He answers it, holding it out so that Monica can hear too.) Hey Joe.
JoeyDude, come home!
ChandlerWhat? Why?
JoeyCOME... HOME.
ChandlerLook I, I can't. What's going on?
JoeyI don't know how to tell you this but, uh... I think Monica's cheating on ya. I told you shouldn't 've married someone so much hotter than you.
(Chandler and Monica look at each other. Chandler nods.)
JoeyAll right look. (He walks to the hallway.) If you can't come home and deal with this, then I'm gonna.
ChandlerNO!
Joey(outside the apartment door) I just heard him!
Chandler(softly) Can you... hear him... now?
Joey(listens at the door.) No. (pause) All right, I'm going in.
ChandlerNo! Wait!
JoeyI heard him again!
Chandler(writhes as if in agony) All right, look. Just stay there. I'm coming home.
JoeyOk. Great. I'll see you when you get here. I'm gonna wait out in the hall in case the dude comes out.
ChandlerIs that really necessary?
JoeyAbsolutely. You'd do it for me. Not that you ever have to because I know how to keep my women satisfied.
ChandlerYeah, listen, thanks a lot.
JoeyOk, bye.
MonicaHe thinks I'm a slut!
ChandlerOh, right. And you're supposed to be a fireman? Ross and Rachel's apartment. Mike is blowing a note from his beer bottle. Ross stares off to the side. RossShouldn't the pizza be here by now? I mean, they said thirty minutes or less. Well, how long has it been?
Mike(looking at his watch) Eleven minutes. (long pause) And now twelve. So, you wanna watch TV or?
RossYou think I haven't thought of that? I mean I-I would like to, but the cable is out. Didn't seem like such a big deal until tonight.
MikeSo you like the beer?
RossI do. I do. Although, it's actually a lager.
MikeHuh. (pause) What's the difference between beer and lager?
RossI don't know. We could look it up.
Mike(Nods) Things are about to get wild. A bar. Rachel and Phoebe are bringing their drinks from the bar to a sofa. PhoebeOh God. Remember the girls' nights we used to have? Sitting around talking about you and Ross?
RachelOh, God. It seems like forever ago.
PhoebeI know. (sighs) So, what's going on with you and Ross?
RachelWell, um... I don't know. I mean, for a long time, nothing. You know, actually right before you picked me up, Ross and I had a... ah... little thing.
PhoebeOh my God! I love things. What happened?
RachelWell, um, first he told me he liked how I looked. And, ah, then we had a little... um... eye-contact.
PhoebeEye-contact?
RachelMm-hmm.
PhoebeI hope you were using protection.
Waiter(With tray and two drinks) 'Scuse me. Um, these are from the two gentlemen at the end of the bar.
Rachel & PhobeOh. (Turn around to glance at them)
Rachel(To the waiter) Oh actually, you know what, I can't have another one on account of my breast milk.
WaiterOk.
PhobeHey, Rach, maybe there's a less disgusting way to decline a drink. Wow, should we send them something back? Oh, let's! Let's send them mashed potatoes!
RachelNo! Wait! No, no. Don't do that! That's gonna make them think they can come over here.
PhoebeSo? What if they do?
RachelWell, we're not here to meet guys. You have a boyfriend, I have a b... baby and a Ross.
PhoebeYeah, but, ah, ah, nothing has to happen. We're just having fun. You know, not everything had to go as far as "eye-contact." Monica and Chandler's apartment. Chandler is seated in the chair and Monica stands behind the sofa. MonicaChandler, you have to tell Joey that you're not in Tulsa.
ChandlerDon't you think it's better for him to think that you're cheating on me, than for him to think that I'm cheating on him? (Monica tips her head slightly as if asking "Did you hear yourself?") I heard it.
MonicaI don't want him to think that I'm having an affair.
ChandlerAll right. I got a plan. I'll go down the fire escape.
MonicaYes, because all good plans start with, "I'll go down the fire escape."
ChandlerHear me out, woman! I'll go down the fire escape. Then, I'll wait for a while. Then, when I come up the stairs, it'll be just like I just got back from Tulsa. Then, Joey and I will come in and see that there's no guy in here.
MonicaAren't you afraid that Joey's gonna figure all of this out? (pause) I heard it.
(Chandler runs to the window, opens it, starts out, but returns, casually walking back to his chair.)
ChandlerI'm just gonna wait for a little while.
MonicaScary pigeon's back?
ChandlerIt's huge. Ross and Rachel's apartment. Three pizza crusts and two bottle caps are left in the otherwise empty pizza box. Mike is making hollow popping noises with his mouth. He begins to speak, but stops and pops his lips a few more times and takes a drink. Ross smiles as if he has thought of something to say, but then he stops and sinks back in a slump on the sofa. The bar. Two men are chatting with Rachel and Phoebe. RachelOh my God. I can't believe you live in that building. My grandmother lives in that building. Ida Green? No sense of personal space? Kind of smells like chicken? Looks like a potato.
Bill"Spuds" is your grandmother?
RachelThat's my bubby! {808: Oh, I'm gonna be a pappy.}
KevinSo, we're on our way to a couple of parties. Um... maybe we can get your numbers and give you guys a call if we find something fun.
PhoebeYeah, I'm sorry. We weren't really looking for anything to happen, with you guys. I, I have a boyfriend.
KevinAll right. It's no big deal.
PhoebeYeah. Just out of curiosity though, which one of you was for me?
KevinThat would've been me.
PhoebeOh, nice. Different situation, cowboy, you would've had yourself a handful.
BillSo, she has a boyfriend. What is your situation?
RachelOh, well, it's complicated. I don't actually have a boyfriend. But um-
BillThen, can I have your number?
Rachel(pause) I'm sorry, no.
BillOk. (They start to walk away.)
RachelOh sure. (She pulls a business card from her purse and writes on it.)
Phoebe(Reading the card.) Oh my God, you're giving your real number.
BillOk, thanks. I'll give you a call later tonight.
RachelGreat.
BillBye.
PhoebeBye. (The guys leave.) Wow. So, that's great. You, Bill, Ross, and Emma are gonna be so happy together. What were you thinking?
RachelI don't know. He was cute, and he liked me. It was an impulse. Like when I bought these shoes. They were cute, and they liked me too. {Jennifer Aniston's shoe size}
PhoebeBut what about Ross? What about your moment?
RachelAh yeah, we had a moment. We looked at each other. Maybe if we live together for another 10 years, we may hold hands!
PhoebeBut you were really excited about it. Don't you wanna talk to him or...
RachelNo. No, 'cause I know exactly how the conversation's gonna go. "Hey Ross, you know, I think we had a moment before."
Rachel(lowers voice to imitate Ross) "Yeah." (Clears throat.) "Me too."
Rachel(as herself) "Well, but I'm not sure I really wanna do anything about it."
Rachel(as Ross) "Yeah." (Clears throat twice.) "Me neither." (Clears throat again.)
Rachel(as herself) "Well, should we just continue to live together and not really tell each other how we're really feeling?"
Rachel(as Ross) "Yeah. That works for me." (Clears throat twice more.)
PhoebeYeah, I see what you mean. By the way, nice Ross imitation.
RachelOh, thanks.
PhoebeBut, your Rachel wasn't whiny enough.
Rachel(whining) Wha... hey!
Phoebe(pointing) Better!
RachelWell, the point is, maybe I should just stop waiting around for moments with Ross, you know? I should just... move on with my life.
PhoebeSo really? You're moving on from Ross?
RachelI don't know. Do I have to decide right now?
PhoebeWell, you kinda just did. That guy is gonna call you tonight. Ross is gonna pick up the phone and that's a pretty clear message.
RachelOh my God, Ross. Ross is gonna pick up the phone. Oh, I have to get my number back. (She turns to find Bill, but they have gone.) Oh my God. He's gone.
Phoebe(imitating Rachel) "Oh, I have to get my number back. Oh my God. He's gone." (smiles) Dead on. Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross and Mike are sitting on the sofa. Ross is fidgeting with the cuffs of his sweater while Mike blows his cheeks out. Ross blows a piece of fuzz from his finger. Mike(releases a whoosh of air) Ya know, I'm gonna take off.
RossSo soon?
MikeYeah.
RossOk. Well, thanks, ah, thanks for the beer.
MikeAh, you mean lager.
RossAh yeah. Good times.
(Mike leaves. Ross closes the door behind him.)
Mike(In the hall, relieved) Oh.
(Ross, inside the door, releases a sign of relief. Back in the hall, Mike's cellphone rings.)
MikeHello?
Phoebe(calling from the bar on her cell phone.) Hey, Mike, it's me. Listen, is um, is Ross near you?
MikeUh, no. I just left. Oh, and that, right there, is the most interesting conversation I've had all night.
PhoebeReally? Ok, well, you have to go back in.
MikeWha...? Go back? To the "land where time stands still"?
PhoebeI'm so sorry honey, but, ok, Rachel gave this guy her number and, um, she doesn't want Ross to answer the phone. So, you have to intercept all his calls.
MikeI can't do that!
Phoebe(to Rachel) He says he can't do that.
RachelOh give me (Phoebe gives Rachel the phone.) Hi Mike? Hi. Listen. I know that this is a lot to ask, but you know what? If you do this I... Phoebe will... do anything you want. Seriously, I'm talking dirty stuff.
PhoebeAll right. (She takes the phone from Rachel.) Hello? Hi. I'm sorry about her, but actually she wasn't wrong about the dirty stuff.
MikeAll right. I'll do it. (Phoebe gives the thumbs-up sign to Rachel.) But really, how much dirtier can it get?
Phoebe(knowingly chuckles) Oh, Mike. Bye.
(Mike knocks on Ross's door. Ross opens it.)
MikeHey buddy.
RossUh, hi.
MikeUm, can I come back in?
Ross(putting his arm up with his hand on the door frame.) Why? (He starts to lower his arm.)
Mike(Entering the apartment) I, I was just thinking about how much more we have to talk about.
Ross(whining) But you left. The hallway and stairs outside Chandler and Monica's apartment. Chandler enters from the stairs. Joey is sitting with a baseball bat. JoeyWow! That didn't take long. I thought you said Tulsa was, like a three hour flight.
Chandler(pause) Well, you're forgetting about the time difference.
(Joey thinks a moment. Then, he nods.)
JoeyYeah, all right, you ready? I'm gonna go in there with you.
ChandlerThanks.
ChandlerYou know, just in case there's more than one dude in there with her.
ChandlerAgain, thanks.
JoeyYeah.
(Joey follows Chandler into the apartment.)
Monica(gasp) Chandler! You're home!
ChandlerThat's right. You're husband's home. So, now the sex can stop.
(Joey gives him and odd look. Monica gives a similar look.)
ChandlerYou know what I mean.
MonicaWhat are you saying?
ChandlerJoey said that you're in here with another man.
MonicaThere's no man in here. How dare you accuse me of that. (She slaps Chandler.)
JoeyAll right. Then, maybe you won't mind if me and my friend take a look around, huh? (He checks the bathroom shaking the bat. Then he proceeds to their bedroom.) Bwa-ah-ah!
(Monica slaps Chandler again)
ChandlerHe, he can't even see us!
MonicaI kinda liked it.
ChandlerMe too.
(Thudding sounds can be heard from the bedroom.)
Chandler(To Monica) What's he doing?
Monica(smiling) I arranged some pillows on the bed to look like a guy.
Joey(emerging) Bedroom's clear, although you might need some new pillows.
ChandlerAll right. Well, I'll check the guest room.
Joey(sniffing the air and then Monica.) Why do I smell men's cologne?
Monica(sniffing Joey) I think that's you.
Joey(sniffs his shirt.) Oh yeah. I rubbed a magazine on myself earlier.
ChandlerThere's nobody here Joe.
JoeyI guess not.
MonicaI can't believe you thought I was cheating. (pointing at Joey) You owe me an apology.
JoeyYeah, right Monica. I'm so sorry.
MonicaAh, it's an honest mistake. It could happen to anyone. All right, see you.
Joey(spots the suitcase just inside the doorway where Chandler left it) Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute, wait a minute. If you just got back from Tulsa, how did your suitcase beat you here?
Chandler(thinks, then turns to Monica) I climb down the fire escape and you can't put that in the closet? Ross and Rachel's apartment. Mike is reading from a book. MikeSo, with the exception of the fermentation process, beer and ale are basically the same thing. Fascinating, isn't it.
RossMaybe you should look up "fascinating."
(Phone rings.)
MikeI'll get it. (He lunges across Ross's lap on the sofa to reach the phone. Ross stares at him with wide eyes.) Hello? Ross's place. Mike speaking. (pause. Hands phone to Ross) It's for you.
Ross(takes the phone, but speaks to Mike) I don't understand what just happened here. Monica and Chandler's apartment, continued from earlier. JoeyWhat's going on?
ChandlerI'm sorry. I, I told you I was in Tulsa because I wanted to spend the night with Monica and I, I didn't know... I didn't think you'd understand.
JoeyWhat? You think I'm too dumb to understand that a husband needs to be with his wife? Huh? Do you think I'm like, "Duh." (He strikes himself in the head with the bat. He stands dazed for a moment.)
MonicaJoey?
JoeyYeah?
MonicaI-I don't know what to say. We shouldn't 've lied to you.
ChandlerYeah. I feel so bad. Is-is there anything I can do to make it up to you?
Joey(pause) Yeah, you could go to the game with me, ah, even though I know you said you couldn't. But then you lied to me and tricked me and gave me a bump on the head.
ChandlerI'm sorry. That's the one thing I can't do. I promised I'd be with Monica.
JoeyAll right.
Monica(taps chandler on the arm) You can go.
ChandlerWhat?
MonicaYou should go to the game. It's-it's ok. I want you to.
ChandlerReally? You-you're gonna be ok?
MonicaYeah, I'll be fine. You know, maybe I'll-I'll stay here and practice the art of seduction.
ChandlerYou're gonna put on sweats and clean, aren't you?
MonicaIt's gonna be so hot! (She kisses him.)
ChandlerOk, bye.
MonicaBye-bye.
JoeyThanks. (Joey and Chandler exit to the hall. Joey pulls out the tickets and hands one to Chandler.) Hey, here's your ticket.
ChandlerThanks. Hey, listen. I'm never gonna lie to you again, ok? And I want you to know that nobody thinks you're stupid.
JoeyThanks man.
(Chandler heads toward the stairs, but makes a turn back to his apartment while looking at the ticket.)
JoeyWhere're you going?
ChandlerGame's tomorrow night Joe.
(Chandler goes into the apartment, while Joey checks his ticket and is embarrassed by his stupid mistake.) Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel and Phoebe enter. MikeI'm glad I got to talk to your mom. She sounds really nice.
RossYeah, she's a peach.
RachelHi.
(Everyone exchanges greetings.)
RossOh God. (He hugs Rachel)
RachelOh...
MikeI'm so glad you're back. (He hugs Phoebe.)
PhoebeOh.
RachelWow. So, what did you guys do?
RossOh, you know... we just drank some beer and Mike played with the boundaries of normal social conduct.
MikeIt's true. I did.
Phoebe(pause) Well goodbye.
(Okays, and goodbyes are exchanged all around.)
RachelThat was fun Pheebs.
PhoebeI know. That was fun. (She and Mike exit.)
RachelSee you guys. (She closes the door.)
RossRachel, lock the door. Lock the door, seriously.
RachelOh shoot. I forgot to pay Phoebe for the drinks. (She exits to the hallway and closes the door behind her.) Wait, wait. Sorry. Did he call? Did that guy call?
MikeNo. Just his mom.
RachelOh, around 8:30?
MikeYeah.
RachelThen, again at 9:00?
Mike(nods) Uh-huh.
RachelYeah.
(Inside the apartment the phone rings. Ross answers it.)
RossHello. (listens) Ah, no, she's not here. Can I take a message? (grabs a pad and pen) Bill from the bar? (writes) Ok, "Bill from the bar." I'll make sure she gets your number.
(He hangs up the phone and tears the note off the pad. Then, he stops and re-reads it. Rachel enters.)
RachelAaah. (She goes to tend Emma.)
RossSo, ah... So, how was it? Uh, you guys, you guys have a good time?
RachelOh, it was so much fun. It felt so good to be out.
Ross(holds up the message) Uh, Rach.
Rachel(still looking at Emma) Yeah?
Ross(pauses, then crunches up the note and stuffs it in his pocket.) Never mind. Central Perk. Phoebe and Mike are on the sofa. Ross enters. RossHey you guys. (He sits.)
MikeHey.
PhoebeHey. I'll be right back. I gotta go to the bathroom. (She rises and exits.)
(Ross and Mike glance at each other then both suddenly turn to Phoebe who is gone. They sheepishly exchange glances.)
Mike(finally) Stout. That's a kind of beer.
(Ross smiles slightly. Then he gives a single nod that lifts him to his feet. He exits the coffee shop.)

Directed by Ben Weiss; Written by Mark Kunerth; Transcript by David Buehrle; Annotated by ncp