Monica and Chandler's Apartment. PhoebeHe sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle;
and away they all flew like the down of a thistle; but I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!"
Joey(Impressed) Wow, that was great! You really wrote that?
Phoebe(Smiling) Uh-huh.
Chandler(Coming from the bedroom) Say goodbye elves, I'm off to Tulsa.
MonicaI can't believe you're not gonna be here for Christmas.
RossYou're really not coming back?
ChandlerYeah, we have all this paperwork that needs to be filed by the end of the year.
MonicaWhy can't those dumb Tulsa people do the work?
ChandlerBecause those dumb people got everything dumped on them by the arrogant jerks in the New York office. I'm caught between two worlds. If I don't get it done, I'll be fired.
MonicaJust- It's so unfair, you don't even like your job!
ChandlerSo, who does?
PhoebeOh, I like my job.
JoeyI love my job.
RachelYeah, I can't wait to go back to work.
RossI can't get enough dinosaurs!
ChandlerI'm sorry, I won't be here.
MonicaIt's just... It's hard enough not seeing you during the week, but for Christmas... alright, if this is what you have to do, I understand.
ChandlerThanks. (they kiss) I'll see you New Year's Day.
Monica(Shocked) You're not gonna be here New Year's Eve?
ChandlerDid I not mention that?
Chandler(Thinks for a second, then waves his arms, exclaiming) and to all a good night! (and runs out of the apartment) Chandler's Office in Tulsa, in the conference room. ChandlerAll right, everybody, I know that it's Christmas Eve and you'd rather be with your families, but there's no call (he takes it off) for writing "Screw you, Mr. Bing!" on the back of my chair! (he looks at it) By the way, you can all call me Chandler.
(Wendy enters the conference room, carrying a cardboard box.)
ChandlerHey. Where've you been?
WendyI was, uh, checking out that insurance company's Christmas party on three, oh, it was really beautiful, they have all these decorations and this huge tree and I just thought, to hell with them, we have to work. So I stole their ham. (She turns the cardboard box upside down over the conference table, a big piece of ham falls out.)
Chandler(to the others) You hear that? You may not be with your families, but at least it's gonna smell like ham in here.
ClaudiaMy kid's in a play right now.
ChandlerYou know what, I know what will cheer you guys up! (he starts spreading envelopes among them) Had a little talk with the boys in New York, told 'em about all the hard work you've been doing and that a little Christmas bonus may be in order.
Ken(reading off his card) "A donation has been made in your name to the New York City Ballet".
ChandlerWell, that's like money in your pocket! Alright look, you want me to say it? This sucks. Being here sucks! This work sucks!
WendyNow, it feels like Christmas.
ChandlerI'm sorry. Hey, at least you guys get to go home and be with your families tonight. I have to go back to an empty hotel room and lay down on a very questionable bedspread. And then tomorrow morning, you get to have Christmas morning in your own houses, which, by the way, none of you, have invited me to.
KenYou can come to my house!
ChandlerHaha, no thanks!
WendyThat was a nice pep talk.
ChandlerOh, thanks! I'm... actually thinking about becoming a motivational speaker.
WendySo, if you were home right now, what would you be doing?
ChandlerTypical Christmas-y stuff, you know? Our holidays are pretty traditional. Flashback to 410: The Girl From Poughkeepsie. [Central Perk, Phoebe is singing her holiday song.]
PhoebeSo here is a, a very special, holiday song that I wrote for some very important people to me. (singing)
Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap.
Asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap.
Said all you need is to write them a song.
Now, you haven't heard it yet, so don't try to sing along.
No, don't sing along.
Monica, Moncia, have a happy Hanukkah.
Saw Santa Claus, he said hello to Ross.
And please tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy!
And Rachel and Chandler, have err-umm-glander!"
Happy holidays, everybody!
Flashback to 610: The Routine. [Monica and Chandler's apartment.]
RachelOk, Pheebs, you look in the kitchen, I will look in the back closet.
ChandlerI can save you time ladies, I'm right here.
PhoebeYeah. Chandler, why don't you take a walk? This doesn't concern you.
RachelWe are looking for our Christmas presents from Monica.
ChandlerWhat? That's terrible!
PhoebeNo-no, we do it every year!
ChandlerOh, well, that, that makes it not terrible.
PhoebeNo, yeah, we never find them! She's always best at us that wily minx.
RachelYeah, don't worry, we're just gonna search here for an hour, and then we're gonna go over to Joey's and search, OK?
ChandlerNo, not ok, you can't look for Monica's presents!
PhoebeOh no, we have to!
ChandlerNo, you don't have to, and you can't, because I, I live here too.
PhoebeWell, then, you should look with us.
RachelChandler, aren't you worried about what to get Monica for Christmas?
ChandlerNo, I have a great idea for a present for her.
PhoebeOh, that's it? (Mimics Chandler) A great idea! Oh yeah.
RachelChandler, that's not enough. I mean what if she gets you a great present, two medium presents, and a bunch of little presents? And you've just gotten her one great present? I mean that's just gonna make her feel bad. Why would you do that to her Chandler? Why? Why?
ChandlerIf I help, we can find 'em faster!
RachelThat's right!
(Phoebe looks under the couch)
PhoebeOoh, ooh, we have a live one!
RachelOh, it's a Macy's bag!
(Phoebe tips it upside down, and a shoe falls out)
PhoebeOoh, who's it for?
Rachel(Reading from a tag that's attached to the shoe) "Dear losers, do you really think I'd hide presents under the couch? P.S.: Chandler, I knew they'd break you." Flashback to 209: Phoebe's Dad. [Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey and Chandler are giving out their Christmas presents.]
JoeyRach, these are for you.
RachelWiper blades. I don't even have a car.
JoeyNo, but with this new car smell, you'll think you do.
ChandlerOK, Pheebs, your turn.
PhoebeAhh, toilet seat covers! Is that what you were doing while I was getting gas?
PhoebeYou guuuyys.
JoeyOk. And for Ross, Mr. Sweet tooth.
RossYou got me a cola drink?
ChandlerAnd, a lemon lime.
RossWell this, this is too much, I feel like I should get you another sweater.
ChandlerAnd last but not least.
(Chandler and Joey give Monica a pack of condoms.)
JoeyThey're ribbed for your pleasure.
Flashback to 710: The Holiday Armadillo. [Monica, Chandler and Phoebe's, Ross is costumed as an Armadillo.] RossOoh, hey Ben, what if the, Holiday Armadillo told you all about the Festival of Lights?
MonicaCome on Ben.
(Monica and Ben sit down on the couch.)
RossYears and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees...
Chandler(Entering in a Santa costume) Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
BenSanta! (Runs to Chandler and hugs him)
ChandlerHey! (Grunts as Ben hits him at full speed.)
RossWhat are you doing here, Santa?
ChandlerWell, I'm here to see my old buddy Ben. What're you doing here, weird...turtle-man?
RossI'm the Holiday Armadillo, your part-Jewish friend. You sent me here to give Ben some presents. Remember?
MonicaOk Ben, why don't you come over and open some more presents, since Santa, the Armadillo and I'll have a little talk in the kitchen? There's a sentence I'd never thought I'd say.
(They walk to the kitchen; everyone is lowering their voices)
Ross(To Chandler) What're you doing?
ChandlerYou called everyone and said you were having trouble finding a Santa costume, so I borrowed one from a guy at work!
RossThank you, but, but you, you gotta leave.
RossBecause, I'm finally getting him excited about Hanukkah, and, and you're-you're wrecking it.
ChandlerBut I didn't get to shake my belly like a bowl full of jelly.
RossI'm sorry, Chandler, but this, this is really important to me. Ok?
ChandlerFine, I'll, I'll give the suit back.
(Ross turns around and walks back to Ben.)
Monica(To Chandler) Hey, you think you can keep it another night? (She has a really teasing look on her face and keeps twirling Chandler's beard.)
ChandlerSanta? Really?
MonicaYeah, is that ok?
ChandlerDid your dad ever dress up like Santa?
ChandlerThen it's okaaay! (They kiss.) Back in the conference room in Tulsa. ChandlerYou know what, everybody? Go home. You should be with your families. It's bad enough that we're working New Year's Eve.
(All others are looking up, surprised)
ChandlerDid I not tell anyone about New Year's Eve? Alright, look, go! Go home, ok? Merry Christmas! Go.
(All are leaving, wishing each other a Merry Christmas, peace on earth, etc. Only Wendy stays.)
ChandlerGood, Godspeed, good people! (he starts to close the door, turns around and sees Wendy) You're not gonna go?
WendyNaah... I couldn't leave you alone.
ChandlerAh. Thanks.
WendyBesides, I can't, leave until that Christmas party downstairs clears out; there are some pissed off insurance people looking for that ham.
ChandlerAh. (The phone rings; he answers it) Chandler Bing.
[Scene change back an forth: Monica and Chandler's Apartment, Monica's on the other end of the line. The phone's speaker is turned on, so the rest of the gang, sitting around the phone, can hear Chandler.]
MonicaHi Honey! We're all here; we just wanna wish you a Merry Christmas.
Others(simultaneously) Merry Christmas! (except for Phoebe...)
Phoebe(simultaneous to the others) Ble-blah-blar Blargh!
(All the others look at her, stunned/incredulous)
ChandlerAhh, Merry Christmas; I miss you guys!
MonicaSo is it horrible? Is everybody working really hard?
ChandlerAh, well no, it's just uh, me and Wendy.
MonicaWendy? That sounds like a girl's name.
ChandlerIt is. Did I... not tell you about her?
MonicaUmhmm, umhmm, about the time you told me about New Year's Eve. Where is everybody else?
ChandlerI sent them home.
MonicaOhh, you are such a good boss! Is she pretty?
ChandlerUhh, uh...
Ross(In a low voice) Answer faster, answer faster!
ChandlerI don't know!
Ross(In the same low voice) Answer better, answer better!
ChandlerI don't think of her that way, you know, she's a, she's a colleague.
MonicaOh. What's she do there?
ChandlerOh, she's regional Vice President; She's... just below me.
MonicaShe did WHAT?
ChandlerBE-LOW me!
JoeyAhh, wait, is Wendy the runner-up Miss Oklahoma?
ChandlerWell, she... she didn't win.
MonicaAlright, well, maybe I should let you and the second prettiest girl in Oklahoma get back to work.
ChandlerWell, second prettiest that year; I mean, of all the girls in Oklahoma, she's probably-
Rachel(Interrupting him) Oh Chandler, stop talking!
ChandlerHoney, there's really nothing to worry about.
ChandlerI'm serious!
ChandlerMerry Christmas.
MonicaMerry Christmas.
ChandlerMerry Christmas, you guys!
Others(Simultaneously) Yeah, Merry... Christmas. (again, Phoebe...)
Phoebe(Simultaneous to the others) Blah blargah, blar-blab.
(Again the others just look at her, silent, puzzled.) Back in the conference room in Tulsa. Chandler(Hanging up the phone) The wife says "Hi!".
WendyAh. Fun conversation?
ChandlerAh well, she's got this weird idea, that, uh, you know, just because you and I are alone, something is gonna happen.
WendyHuh? Really? Hm, that'd be so terrible? (She gets hold of Chandler's tie, slowly moving her hands upwards on the tie, getting closer and closer to him, seductive.)
ChandlerThis is probably the wrong thing to be worrying about, but, you're getting ham on my only tie.
(She's getting closer to him.)
ChandlerWhoa-ho, back off, Missy! (He takes a step back, but she still keeps her grip on his tie.)
Wendy(Laughs) Missy?
ChandlerI don't know; I'm not used to girls making passes at me! ... (She lets go of his tie) Wait a minute... am I sexy in Oklahoma?
WendyYou are to me... (She gets closer again, putting her arms around his torso.)
Chandler(flattered) No... no... (realizing) NO! (He quickly gets several steps away from her.) Look, I'm, I'm married!
WendySo? I'm married. (Showing him the ring on her finger.)
ChandlerI'm happily married.
WendyOh. What's that like?
ChandlerRight. So, I'm sorry, but-
WendySeriously? Happily married. So that phone call before, that was... happy?
ChandlerWell, look, it's not easy to spend this much time apart, you know. She's entitled to be a little paranoid... or, in this case, right on money! You know, she know- she's amazing, and, beautiful, and smart, and if she were here right now, she'd kick your ass. Look, you're a really nice person, ham stealing and adultery aside. But, what I have with my wife is pretty great, so, nothing is ever gonna happen between us.
WendyOk, let me ask you something: if what you and your wife have is so great, then why are you spending Christmas with me?
(Chandler starts to think about it...) [Flashback to 716: The Truth About London. [London, Chandler's hotel room. He was getting ready for bed when Monica pays him a visit and they started talking.]
ChandlerI mean, you were the most beautiful woman in the room tonight!
ChandlerAre you kidding? You're the most beautiful woman in most rooms (She jumps up and kisses him.) (Breaking the kiss.) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's going on? You and I just made out! You and I are making out?
MonicaWell, not anymore.
ChandlerBut we don't do that.
MonicaI know, I just thought it would be fun.
ChandlerHow drunk are you?
MonicaDrunk enough that I know I wanna do this. Not so drunk that you should feel guilty about taking advantage.
Chandler(thinks) That's the perfect amount!
(They run to the bed, sit down, and start making out again.)
Monica(Breaking the kiss) You know what's weird?
MonicaThis doesn't feel weird!
ChandlerI know.
MonicaYou're a really good kisser.
ChandlerWell, I have kissed over four women. (They kiss again.) You wanna get under the covers?
ChandlerOk! Ok!
(They do so and they take off their clothes.)
MonicaWow! You are really fast!
ChandlerIt bodes well for me that speed impresses you.
MonicaWe're gonna see each other naked.
MonicaYou wanna do it at the same time?
ChandlerCount of three?
BothThree! (They lift up the covers and check each other out, then come back up with silly grins on their faces.)
ChandlerWell, I think it's safe to say that our friendship is effectively ruined.
MonicaEh, we weren't that close anyway!
ChandlerEh! (They start making out again) Flashback to 503: The Triplets. [A hallway in the hospital, Monica and Chandler are talking.]
ChandlerSo, are you really gonna go out with that nurse man?
MonicaWell uh, you and I are just goofing around, I thought, why not just goof around with him.
ChandlerYou know, I don't know if you've ever, looked up the term goofing around in the dictionary... Well, I have, and the technical definition is, two friends who care a lot about each other and have amazing sex and just wanna spend more time together, you know. But if you have this newfangled dictionary that gets you mad at me, then we have to, you know, get you my original dictionary. I am so bad at this.
MonicaI think you're better than you think you are.
ChandlerReally? Ok, so...
Monica(Interrupting) Know when to stop.
ChandlerYou know, I sensed that I should stop. So we're ok?
MonicaYeah. (They kiss and as she starts to leave, Chandler starts to dance. Without turning around) Don't do the dance.
Flashback to 524 In Vegas, Part II. [The Gift Shop, Monica and Chandler are entering.]
MonicaI can't get married until I get something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue. {Wedding Tradition}
ChandlerOk, all right, all right, all right! Ok! (Picks up a blue sweater.) Ok, here's something, here's something blue and new.
MonicaYou're so efficient. I love you!
ChandlerLet's go! (Starts to leave.)
MonicaNo-no-no, wait! We need something old!
ChandlerOh, ok, I have a condom in my wallet that I've had since I was twelve.
MonicaThat'll work!
ChandlerI don't think so.
MonicaOk, now we just need something borrowed!
Chandler(Looks around) Here just...take this. (Hands her the sweater.)
MonicaIt's stealing!
ChandlerWe'll, we'll bring it back! Just, put it under your dress.
(She does so and it makes her look pregnant.)
MonicaOhh. (Rubs her fake stomach.)
ChandlerOk, one thing at a time. (They run out to get married.)
Flashback to 702: With Rachel's Book. [Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is looking at the wedding book as Monica enters.]
MonicaListen, umm, I've been thinking, and, it's not fair for me to ask you to spend all of your money on our wedding. I mean, you work, you work really hard for that.
MonicaWell, you work for that.
ChandlerLook, I thought about it too, and, I'm sorry. I think we should spend all of the money on the wedding.
MonicaYou do?!
ChandlerYeah, I'm putting my foot down. Yeah, look, when I proposed, I told you that I would do anything to make you happy, and if having the perfect wedding makes you happy, then, then that's what we're gonna do.
MonicaOh, you're so sweet. (They hug and kiss.) Oh, but wait, what about our, what about the future and stuff?
ChandlerEh, forget about the future and stuff! So we only have two kids, you know? We'll pick our favorite and that one will get to go to college.
MonicaYou thought about that?
MonicaHow many kids were we gonna have?
ChandlerUh, four, a boy, twin girls and another boy.
MonicaWhat else did you think about?
ChandlerWell, stuff like where we'd live, you know? Like a, small place outside the city, where our kids could learn to ride their bikes and stuff. You know, we could have a cat that had a bell on its collar and we could hear it every time it ran through the little kitty door. Of course, we'd have an apartment over the garage where Joey could grow old.
Monica(Laughs) You know what? I-I don't want a big, fancy wedding.
ChandlerSure you do.
MonicaNo, I want everything that you just said. I want a marriage.
ChandlerYou sure?
ChandlerI love you so much.
MonicaI love you. (They kiss.) Monica and Chandler's Apartment, everyone except Chandler is there; they're opening their presents. Rachel(Opens her present from Ross; it's a dark-red scarf) Oohh, I love it!
RossReally? You're not gonna return it?
RachelWell, not this second!
Phoebe(At the window) Hey, look, you guys, it's snowing!
(The others all get up and go to the window.)
RachelOh, wow, it's so beautiful...
RossWow, it really is!
(They all stand a moment in silence, staring out of the window.)
Monica"Wendy" is a fat girl name.
PhoebeAren't we done with that?
MonicaOk, fine. Let's talk about snow. Do you think it's snowing in Tulsa, where my husband is having sex on a copying machine?
(Shortly after that, Chandler enters.)
(Surprised, uttering Ahhs and Ohhs, the others are coming over to him.)
RossOh my god...
JoeyHey-heeyyy - Look at that, it's a Christmas miracle!
MonicaWhat're you doing here?
ChandlerI wanted to be with you. I missed you so much.
JoeyHey, hey, uh, who did you miss the most?
JoeyGotcha. (blinks an eye)
ChandlerI never wanna leave you again!
MonicaBut I thought if you left, you get fired.
ChandlerTurns out they can't fire me. Because I quit.
RossWhat, you, you really quit your job?
ChandlerYeah! It's a stupid job, and I could not stand leaving you. And why should I be the only one who doesn't get to do what he really wants to do?
RachelWhat do you really wanna do?
Chandler(Realizing) I have not thought this through!
MonicaOh my god!
ChandlerI know, I, I should've talked to you first about it.
MonicaNo, I think that this is what you wanna do, I think it's great!
PhoebeChandler, your being here is the best Christmas present I could've ever imagined.
Chandler(Flattered) Ahh...
PhoebeNow give me my real gift.
(Chandler hands Phoebe an envelope, and some more to Monica)
Phoebe(To Chandler) Thank you.
Chandler(To Monica) Here, pass these there (points to the others)
(Monica passes the Envelopes on to Ross, Joey and Rachel.)
RossOh, hey...
(They all open their envelopes.)
Ross(Reading off his card) "A donation has been made in your name to the New York City Ballet." How did you know?
RachelWha... are you kidding? I can't return this.
ChandlerI... thought it was timely we start to thinking about other people. Besides, this gift still says I love you guys.
JoeyMine's is to Lilian Myers.
ChandlerI don't have a job! Monica and Chandler's Apartment, Monica is cleaning up, Chandler is sitting on the couch, checking the Job offers in a Newspaper. ChandlerActuary... no. Bookkeeper, um no. Topless dancer (he looks down on himself, checking, then nods satisfied and marks the offer with a pen) (To Monica) Hey, you know what I just realized? You, are the sole wage earner. You are the head of the household. I, don't do anything. I'm a kept man!
MonicaYou are! (she picks up a bill from the table, handing it to Chandler) Hey, here's twenty bucks. Why don't you go buy yourself something pretty while I'm at work tomorrow?
(Chandler looks at the bill, thinking... then looks at the offer in the Newspaper and makes some dancing moves to see if he's up for the job)

Written by Doty Abrams; Directed by Kevin S. Bright; Transcribed by Stephan Hoffmeister; Annotated by ncp