Coffee place, Joey is there, Chandler is entering. ChandlerHey.
JoeyHey. So where's Mon?
ChandlerOh, she's at home, putting up decorations for Rachel's birthday party tonight.
JoeyAnd you're not helping?
ChandlerI tried, but apparently singing "I will survive" in a helium voice - not helping.
(Ross and Rachel enter with Emma in Rachel's hands)
RossHey, you guys!
Joey and Chandler(start to sing) Hey! Happy birthday...
RachelShhh don't say that loud, Gunther's gonna wanna hug me.
RossUh, good news everyone, we finally found a nanny. This is Molly (points to Molly). Molly, Chandler, Joey.
Joey and ChandlerHi.
MollyHi.
(Emma starts to cry)
RossOoh, somebody's getting a little fussy.
JoeyYou damn right I am, I've been waiting for a cookie for 7 minutes.
RachelOk, you know what, I'm just gonna take her outside.
MollyNo, you stay, I'll do it (takes Emma from Rachel).
RachelOK, thank you.
MollyNice to meet you guys (to Chandler and Joey).
JoeyYeah, you too.
(Molly leaves)
RachelOh, wow, Molly is just great!
RossYeah.
ChandlerYes, Bravo on the hot nanny.
RachelWhat? You really think she's hot?
ChandlerAre you kidding? If I wasn't married she'd be rejecting me right now.
RachelJoey?
JoeyHow do you think she's doing?
RachelAm I the only one who doesn't think that she's hot? Ross?
RossEh, I mean, I mean she's not unattractive but-but hot? I...
RachelThank you! (goes to get coffee)
ChandlerNow that Rachel's gone?
RachelSo hot I cried myself to sleep last night. (Joey and Chandler clap their hands) Mike and Phoebe in Phoebe's place, Phoebe is doing a crossword puzzle. PhoebeHey Mike, what's the capital of Peru?
MikeLima.
PhoebeNo. Uhm, it starts with a "v" and ends with an "x". And hopefully with a, with a "to" in the middle.
MikeYou know, kinda think of it, the capital of Peru IS "vtox". (opens the kitchen cabinet) Oh God! Oh!
PhoebeWhat?
MikeOK, I don't wanna freak you out or anything, but I think I just saw a rat in your cupboard.
Phoebe(relieved) Oh, yeah, no, that's Bob.
MikeWhat, he is your pet rat?
PhoebeWell not so much a pet as, you know, an occasional visitor who I put food out for, you know. Kinda like Santa. Except Santa doesn't poop on the plate of cookies.
MikeYou can't keep a rat in your appartment! They're extremely unsanitary, and they transmit leptospirosis and hantavirus.
PhoebeWhat are those?
MikeI don't know but they don't sound like spa treatments. You-you have to get rid of it!
PhoebeOK, fine, if it means that much to you I'll get rid of Bob.
MikeThank you.
PhoebeIt's just so weird, you think he's so gross and you're willing to eat his crackers. (Mike throws out everything in his mouth) Rachel's office, Rachel comes in and Gavin is there. RachelHello.
GavinHello.
RachelGavin, I, I just wanted to say thank you again for watching Emma yesterday during the presentation. I really owe you an apology.
GavinFor what?
RachelWell, when we first met, you know, I thought you were pompous and arrogant and obnoxious...
GavinIs this your first apology?
RachelNo, I just mean that, you know, first impressions don't mean anything. And I-I think you're a really good guy and I'm sorry that I misjudged you.
(Heather walks in)
HeatherGood morning!
RachelHello. (to Gavin) But you know what, hey, new day, new leaf, I am just really really happy... (sees Gavin staring at Heather) I'm sorry, obviously Heather's ass has something more important to say so I'll just wait 'til it's finished.
GavinWhat?
RachelI was giving you an apology and you were totally checking her out!
GavinI wasn't checking her out. I'm in fashion, I was looking at her skirt. Or was it pants? I didn't really see what happened below the ass area.
RachelOh wow, you are really, you're really a creep.
GavinWhy do you even care if I was looking at her? Are you jealous?
RachelOh yeah, I'm jealous. "Oh Gavin, please, please look at my ass." (Gavin starts looking) Stop looking at my ass! I mean, I was just thinking you are totally inappropriate, ok? This is a work environment, she's your subordinate.
GavinBut it was ok when you slept with your old assistant Tag?
RachelThat is totally different for two reasons. One, I didn't know that you knew that. And two, I wasn't some creep staring at his ass, we had, we had a deap meaningful relationship.
GavinHuh. What's Tag's last name?
RachelIt was... (can't remember) oh my God. He didn't, he didn't, he didn't have a last name. It was just-just "Tag". You know, like-like Cher, or, you know, Moses.
GavinBut it was a deap meaningful relationship.
RachelOh, you know what, my first impression of you was absolutely right. You are arrogant, you are pompous ... Morgan! Morgan! Tag's last name was Morgan! Huh!
GavinIt was Jones.
RachelYeah well what're you, his boyfriend? Coffee place, Molly holding Emma and talking to Joey. JoeyMan, I wish I had a nanny like you.
MollyYou mean, when you were a baby?
JoeySure.
(Chandler is staring at Molly)
MonicaWould you stop staring at her?
ChandlerI wasn't staring. I was leering.
MonicaWhat's the big deal with her? Maybe she's attractive in an obvious kinda way.
RossYeah, obvious beauty's the worst. You know, when it's right there in your face. Me, I like to have to work to find someone attractive. Makes me feel like I earned it.
ChandlerLooks like Joey is doing allright with her.
MonicaYeah. Hey, that was nice of you guys to back off and let Joey get the girl for once.
Molly(To Ross) I'm gonna take her back to the apartment.
RossOk, I'll be uh home right after work. Ok, by Emma-Wemma-Demma, I love you- wovyou dovyou...
MollyBye-bye.
Monica(to Ross) They've elected me to talk to you about the baby talk, it's not so good.
MollyI think it's sweet. (goes to leave)
Ross, Joey and ChandlerBye, Emma-Wemma-Demma.
Rachel(to Joey) Hey, listen, Joey, about Molly, I really prefer if you didn't go after her.
JoeyWhy not?
RachelBecause it took us months to find a good nanny and I wouldn't want anything to, you know, drive her away.
JoeySo, what, you-you think I'm just gonna sleep with her and never call her again and things are gonna get uncomfortable? (thinks about it) Yeah, it sounds about right.
RossCome on, there are plenty of other women out there, ok? Just-just forget about her, ok? Just, she's off limits.
JoeyOh, man, why did you have to go and say that for? Now that you told me I can't have it makes me want her even more!
RossWhat're you, a child?
JoeyYes!
ChandlerIt's true; he's like a little boy. Like Ben! Just think of him as a really, really, really horny Ben.
RossNo! Look, Joey, come on, now, for me! Please, just-just try to focus your sexual energy on someone else.
JoeyFine. (looks around, then focuses on Monica)
Monica(to Chandler) Take me home! (they quickly leave)
(Joey stares at Ross.)
RossYou want a piece of this? Phoebe's place, Phoebe and Mike are there. PhoebeHey Mikey.
MikeHey Pheeb.
PhoebeWhat're you doing?
MikeSetting rat traps.
PhoebeTo kill Bob??
MikeNo, no, to test his neck strength.
PhoebeNo, Mike, I don't wanna kill him! I thought we were just gonna capture him and, and you know, set him free in the country side where he could maybe meet you know a friendly possum and a wisecracking owl.
MikeOk, ok, I'll throw away the traps.
PhoebeAll right, I'll find Bob, I'll get him. Bob? (starts looking) Bob! Robert! (looks at cabinet under sink) Oh wait, I think I hear him. Oh- Oh my god! Bob had babies! Bob's a mom!
MikeBetter think of a new name for him.
PhoebeOh, I don't know, I kinda like Bob for a girl.
MikeI don't know, I mean I'm not sure that which (they hear cracking voice from somewhere else in the kitchen, probably a rat caught in a trap)...
PhoebeOh my god, we killed Bob!
MikeMaybe-mabe it wasn't Bob, maybe it was a mouse. {How to Tell the Difference Between a Mouse and a Rat}
PhoebeSuzie? (Runs over there to check) Monica and Chandler's. Chandler is watching TV. ChandlerThat's it? It's over? Who shoot J.R.? Who shoot J.R.? I have got to get a job. (Turns off the TV.)
(Ross enters.)
Ross(funny voice) Whazzup?
ChandlerSeriously dude, 3 years ago.
RossListen, can you do me a favor? I'm gonna be out today. Can you just keep an eye on Joey, make sure nothing happens between him and Molly?
ChandlerYou don't trust him?
RossWh-No. Some woman who sounded a lot like Joey called earlier and asked for her-her daughter, uh the "hot nanny".
ChandlerIs this really your long term plan, for me to run interference? Because, I can get a job any day now.
RossYou do appear right on the cusp of something. Oh, come on, man, I'm sure he'll lose interest in a week or two, but for now could you-you please just do this for me?
ChandlerAll right, fine, but don't blame me if it doesn't work, you know. 'Cause you know as well as I do that once Joey sets his mind on something, more often than not, he's going to have sex with it.
RossWell, well, I mean, we gotta do something, ok? Nannies like her don't grow on trees. (pause)
ChandlerPicturing that tree?
RossI am, yes. Hallway, Joey get out of his apartment and Chandler jumps out of his. ChandlerWhere're you going, Joe?
(Joey falls on floor and gets up)
JoeyFor a walk.
ChandlerOh. You mind if I join you?
JoeyActually, I'd rather be alone. You know, I really need to organize my thoughts.
ChandlerYour thoughts? Plural?
JoeyAll right, fine, I only have one thought! It's about the hot nanny, I gotta see her!
ChandlerI'm afraid I can't let you do that, Joe.
JoeyNow you're telling me I can't see her? You guys are killing me! She's forbidden fruit! It's like...like, like she's the princess and I'm the stable boy...
ChandlerLook, I know, she's the most beautiful woman in the world...
MonicaI can hear you!
ChandlerCould you set my pillow and blanket on the couch for me please? {He knows he's gonna have to sleep on the couch for what he said.}
JoeyYeah. Why are you doing this, huh? Did Ross tell you not to let me go over there?
ChandlerYes, as a matter of fact he did, so I can't let you go.
JoeyHuh. Interesting. Now there are obstacles. Hot nanny and me against the world. This is the kinda stuff great novels are made of.
ChandlerGreat novels?
JoeyFine... mediocre porn. Rachel's office, Rachel and Gavin there, phone rings, Gavin picks it up. GavinGavin Mitchelle's office.
RachelRachel Green's office! Give me that phone! (takes the phone) Hello, this is Rachel Green, how can I help you? Uh huh... ok then... I'll pass you back to your son (gives phone to Gavin)
GavinHey Mom! No, that's just my secretary. (Rachel is upset)
RachelUm, excuse me, Gavin, I have a question I need to ask you.
GavinMom, I'll call you later. Yeah. (hangs up) (to Rachel) Yes?
RachelIf you like looking at butts so much, why don't you just go look at a mirror?
GavinThank God you finally said that, I saw you make a note on your pad three hours ago. (Rachel throws away that paper) Man, I really bug you, don't I?
RachelOh, no, please, I don't care about you enough to bug me. In fact, from now on, I'm going take the high road. And I'm going be very very nice to you, you "momma's boy", starting right now.
(Door knock, Monica enters)
MonicaHey Rach!
RachelHi!
MonicaYou about ready for your birthday lunch?
RachelI am, I am! Oh, but first, Monica, I would like to introduce you to my very talented colleague and more importantly my wonderful friend Gavin Mitchelle.
GavinPleased to meet you.
MonicaPleased to meet you. So you're coming to Rachel's party tonight?
RachelOh no no no no no, Gavin can't, he already has plans, most likely with his mother.
GavinWell I don't mind, I'll cancel them. I would never miss my secretary's birthday. (leaves)
RachelOh God! Why did you invite him? I can't stand that guy!
MonicaYou were just being so nice to him!
RachelI was faking it! Can't you tell when I'm being fake?
(A man walks by)
RachelHey, Mr Philips, nice suit!
MonicaRight there! That was so fake!
RachelShh! Rachel's birthday party. MonicaHey Chandler, which do you like better, the tuna tartare or the mushroom empanadas? (He doesn't get it) The pile of raw fish, or the tacos?
ChandlerOh, the tacos. Definitely, the tacos.
Rachel(to Monica) I still can't believe you invited Gavin. Allright, he is just the last person I want to see.
MonicaOh, you're welcome for the party. I'm glad you're having a good time.
RachelGod, I hope he doesn't show up. Of course he's not gonna show up, the guy hates me.
MonicaDoes he?
RachelWhat?
MonicaMaybe he's-he's bothering you so much because he likes you. It's like in first grade when Skippy Langwild always pushed me on the playground because he secretly had a crush on me?
RachelOh, Monica, you think Skippy liked you? Honey, all those boys had a bet to see if he could knock you over.
Molly(with Emma in a bassinet) She's out, I'm gonna take her home.
RachelOh, ok, thank you. (Molly leaves) (to Monica) Do you see what all the guys see in her?
MonicaWouldn't kick her out of bed. No more Vodka for me! (put her glass down)
(Joey comes over)
JoeyHey, Rach! So, can I sing happy birthday to you now?
RachelYeah, sure!
JoeyOh... (Starts to sing) All right. Happy birth... (sees Molly leaving) oh, see you later (runs after Molly)
MonicaHey Rach, somebody got you shoes!
RachelOh, give me! (opens the box happily, then gets freaked and throws away the box, she and Monica jump up the sofa)
PhoebeCareful! Careful! Oh, these are my rat babies!
MikeYeah. We have rat babies now.
RachelAhhhh, you brought rats to my birthday party?
MonicaSo this is what a stroke feels like.
PhoebeI had to bring them! We killed their mother, they're our responsibility now. You know, they require constant care. You should know that, Rachel, you're a mother.
RachelAre you comparing my daughter to a rat?
PhoebeNo! Seven rats! I think we should take them home, we need to feed them.
RachelWhhh-wait, you're gonna leave my party to take care of a box of rats?
PhoebeWell I'm sorry Rachel, but I'm not like you, ok? Not everyone can afford help. (She and Mike leave)
(Ross gets out of the bathroom, sees Chandler)
RossHey, where-where the hell are Joey and Molly? I asked you to watch them.
Chandler(In a helium voice, holding a balloon) I'm sorry, I got a little preoccupied.
RossLook, we have to stop, them before something happens!
Chandler(still helium voice) Right behind you, big guy! (they both head for the door) Ross's place, Molly and Joey are talking on the couch. JoeySo, you see, Molly, what people don't understand is that acting is a discipline. Takes a lot of hard work.
MollySo where'd you study?
JoeyOh, I didn't go to college.
MollyNo, where'd you study acting?
JoeyMolly... people don't study acting...
(Ross and Chandler walk in, Joey looks disappointed)
RossMolly, ah, do you mind giving us just a minute?
MollySure, I'll go check on Emma.
RossThanks.
(Molly gets up and walks away)
Joey(upset) Will the stable boy never get the princess?!
RossSo what, what do you think you're gonna do, huh? have sex with her right here on my couch?
JoeyNo... the leather sticks to my ass. You know, this isn't fair. What makes you think, that I'm just gonna sleep with her and then blow her off? Huh? Can't you guys open your minds to the possibility that I actally like her, and might want something real? (pause) Look, the truth is, I haven't felt this way about anyone since Rachel, ok? I didn't think I could ever love again.
(pause)
Ross and ChandlerCome on! Joe!
JoeyOk. (admits)
(knock on door, Ross opens, it's a woman)
WomanHi, is Molly here?
RossAh, yeah, yeah. Come on in. Molly?
Molly(goes out of the room) Hey! Guys, this is Tabatha (they kiss on the lips in a romantic way). (to Ross) I'll see you tomorrow.
RossOk... (they leave the room, long pause) Uh, well, Joey, I, I guess we have no problem.
JoeyIt's like my favorite fairy tale come true! (Chandler looks at him) The princess, the stable boy and the lesbian! Phoebe's place, Phoebe and Mike enter. PhoebeOk, ok, you start preparing the formula and I'll start changing the box and then we gotta put them straight to bed.
MikeHey, when did we become one of those couples whose lives revolve around their rats?
PhoebeWell, you know what, they're our responsibility now.
MikeOk, fine, these rats are our responsibility. What happens when they mate and there are hundreds of them?
PhoebeMate? They're all brothers and sisters.
MikeYeah, uh, not such a problem with rats. No, they're more of a "love the one you're with" kind of animal.
PhoebeNo. (opens the box) Really? Oh my God, get off your sister! Oh my god, what are we gonna do? We have 7 rats. So what if, what if each of them has 7 rats? And then each of those have 7 rats? That's like... (starts counting with her fingers) That's math I can't even do! What are we gonna do?
MikeI know this is gonna sound crazy, but, we could not let the box of rats ruin our lives.
PhoebeYeah, ok. I guess you're right. All right, so we should just give them away. But to nice families, with-with children, and reduced fat Wheat Thins. Those were Bob's favorites.
MikeIt's gonna be ok.
PhoebeYou must think I'm crazy.
MikeNo, I think you're sweet.
PhoebeGood. It's just-just so hard, it's hard for me to... let them go. I guess it just brings back memories, you know, from... when I gave birth to my brother's triplets and I had to give them up. (Mike is shocked) I haven't told you about that yet, have I? Rachel's party, Rachel is on the balcony, Monica goes there also. MonicaHey!
RachelHi. Thanks for the party, honey. Should I help you clean up?
MonicaNo way! You had your party, now I have mine! Is everything alright?
RachelYeah, I just get a little bummed when my birthday's over.
MonicaWell, at least you have one thing to be happy about. That jerk Gavin from your office didn't show up (Gavin shows up at the balcony windows).
RachelMmm hmm.
GavinYeah, I hate him. (comes in to the balcony)
MonicaOh, we weren't talking about you. No, no way to recover. No.
RachelUhh.
(Monica goes back inside)
GavinFun party.
RachelWell, it was, and you would've seen it if you didn't showed up at (looks at his watch)... 9:30? God! Oh, this party was lame...
Monica(from inside) Again, you're welcome.
GavinLook, I'll just give you this and go.
RachelOh, you bought me a present! Why?
GavinWell, let me explain how birthday parties usually work. There are presents, and a cake, perhaps a fourth or fifth person. Ok, I... I got you the present to make up for being such a jerk to you.
RachelAww. Well, ok, well that's very nice. And you wrote a card (opens the card). "From Gavin."
GavinI really mean it.
Rachel(opens the present, it's a green scarf) Awww, awww, it's beautiful.
GavinYou don't mind? Let me. (puts it around her neck) Well, what do you know, it fits!
RachelSee, Gavin, you're capable of being a nice guy. Why did you give me such a hard time?
GavinI'm not sure.
RachelWell Monica seems to think it's because you have feelings for me.
GavinI do have feelings for you.
RachelYou do?
GavinYes, I feel that you are a little annoying.
RachelSee? Why, Gavin, why? Right when I'm about to change my opinion of you, you go and you... (he kisses her) and you do that... (they kiss again)
(cut to Ross from his appartment, holding baby toys and is shocked to see them kissing) Monica and Chandler's apartment. Chandler(sings in a helium voice) First I was afraid, I was petrified (very happy) {I Will Survive lyrics}
Phoebe(walks in) Hey.
Chandler(normal voice) Hey.
PhoebeListen, I-I think I left something here.
ChandlerOh, well, someone left this (shows a green jacket). This is yours?
Phoebe(likes the jacket) No, but I like it. No, I think I left one of my rat babies.
ChandlerOh, uh, well, no, I haven't seem it but if I do I'll let you know.
MonicaOh! Rat baby! Rat baby! Rat baby! (screams from another room)
Phoebe(realizes) Ooh, maybe that's him!

Teleplay by Brian Buckner and Sebastian Jones; Directed by Ben Weiss; Transcribed by Roni Raab; Annotated by ncp