Chandler and Monica's apartment. ChandlerHey!
RossYeah! Yeah! OK! Sure! Look! Can we, can we talk about what happened here last night?
ChandlerSure! Just give me a second to get all huffy and weird like you! Do you believe that who ever did something over here last night did what they did or didn't do I mean come on!
RossOh, OK, you really don't know what I am talking about?
RossOK! Last night after the party I saw Rachel kissing that jerk from her office out on your balcony.
ChandlerOur balcony? Seriously? That's so funny because I told Monica we should put lights on our balcony. And she said "No, no. It's too cold, nobody will go out there." And I said "Maybe if we put some light out there they will."
RossRight that's why I came over to talk about. Hum, I saw Rachel kissing some guy on your balcony, even though there were NO LIGHTS !
ChandlerSo, are you to her?
RossWhy? Why should I? I mean if she wants to move on, that's fine!
ChandlerYou know when "That's fine" sounds true when someone yells it and spits!
RossNo! I'm-I'm serious. I mean she wants to date people? Fine! I don't care but least she could've told me. You know I-I've been putting my life on hold and just concentrating on Emma but if she wants to go out there kissing guys she barely knows, then so will I! Very funny! Ross is gay! Ha ha!
ChandlerNo no no. Good. So you're moving on? Do you have any idea where you're moving on to?
RossI don't know. I mean I got plenty of opportunities. I mean just-just now, just know, there were some woman at the coffee house smiled at me. And then the other day on the subway, a woman "accidentally" sat on my hand.
ChandlerDude, don't rub my face in your crazy single life!
RossWell, and then, how about this? There is an anthropologist at school who totally came on to me during the inter-departmental Potluck dinner.
ChandlerWhy did I get married?! Central Perk. JoeyHey! Let me ask you guys something. I have a new headshots taken tomorrow right, and the photographer said that she thinks I should have my eyebrows waxed. Is that weird for a guy?
PhoebeWell it depends.
PhoebeOn how far along he's in the sex change process!
MonicaNo, I totally disagree. No I-I think it's fine for a guy to do something like that. Such you're an actor. I mean not that you need to, your eyebrows are...
JoeyWell ok! Stop it you guys! Stop staring! You're freaking me out!
PhoebeOh your knuckles are kinda hairy too...
JoeyOh man! Now I have to get those done too?!
PhoebeWow! Talking about high maintenance.
JoeyHey hey hey! You dye your hair!
PhoebeI'm a woman!
JoeyArghhh! Double standards!
PhoebeOh, before I forget, are you coming to Mike's piano bar tonight?
MonicaOnly if I don't have to get up and sing.
PhoebeBut everybody sings. It's so much fun! Last time this adorable old man got out there, forgot all of the words, flipped out and everyone booed him off the stage. It's so funny.
MonicaBut I'm just, I'm not good at singing.
PhoebeOh! What's the matter? Are you scared? Huh? You're afraid I'm a better singer? You're afraid I'm gonna beat you at singing?
MonicaNo, no, it's-it's not working on me. Wow! I must be growing up!
PhoebeOK, fine! Just, please come and support Mike. You don't have to sing.
MonicaWait- So I don't have to sing and I can just sit there and pass judgments on others?
PhoebeWhile drinking.
MonicaHuh, I'm there!
RachelHi you guys! Listen, I really need your help. I think I did something really stupid.
PhoebeWell yes Rachel but you got something so beautiful out there.
RachelNo, not that. You guy, I kissed Gavin last night.
PhoebeOh my god.
MonicaYou kissed him?
RachelYeah. It was after the party, we were on the balcony and...
MonicaWait wait wait. I was at home the whole time. How did I missed that?
PhoebeWell, it was the end of the party, you were probably ironing wrapping paper.
MonicaOh, yeah...So, how-how did you end up kissing?
RachelWell, we were all alone and he was being really nice to me and, oh and he gave me this scarf...
MonicaI-I thought you hated him?
RachelWell you know honey, there is a thin line between love and hate, and it turns out that a scarf!
MonicaSo are-are you thinking of starting something up with this guy?
RachelI don't know. It's so complicated. I work with this guy, you know, I have the baby, and I have Ross, and I just...I don't know what to do and I have to be at the office and see Gavin in ten minutes.
MonicaWow. Sounds like you need to think about what you want, and talk to Gavin, and you definitely should talk to Ross.
RachelOr...I could call in sick and not deal with it at all...
PhoebeWow! Five-month maternity leave, you're back for four days, kiss a co-worker, and call in sick, they are lucky to have you! A Beauty salon. JoeyHi.
Salon girlHi.
JoeyHey uh. I'm here for my eyebrow appointment.
Salon girlName?
JoeyChandler Bing.
Salon girlOk. Very good. Have a seat right over here Mr. Bing and Sonia will be right with you.
JoeyOK, Thanks. (Joey touches the hot wax). (To Sonia) I-I touched the stuff.
SoniaI'll take care of it. (Wipes the wax off his hands)
JoeyThanks. So do you uh, do you get a lot of guys in here?
SoniaOh, absolutely.
JoeyOh, good...
SoniaAre you looking to meet somebody?
JoeyAll right, let's just do this.
SoniaOk, uh, we'll get to the wax in a minute. First I want to tweeze some of the strays, ok? Now this may sting just a little bit...
JoeyPlease, I have an extremely high threshold...Holly Mother Of God! Oh! My face! My face! Oh! Huh! I'm all right! I'm all right! I'm all right, just a uhm... bit of shock, that's all. But uh I'll be fine, you can go again, I'm OK. (He tries to avoid the tweezers) Damn it! Woman! Aww! Awww! Central Perk. RossHey.
ChandlerHey hey, it's the most eligible man in New York. How's the moving on going?
RossNot well. I went on the subway again and someone did sit on my hand but that person was neither female nor wearing pants.
ChandlerWell maybe you're going about this the wrong way. You know I mean think about it. Single white male, divorced three times, two illegitimate children. The personal ad writes itself....
RossYou know, that's, do you think you'll ever work again?
ChandlerWhat're you doing? You know I can only dish it out!
RossI can't believe Rachel just moved on and-and didn't say anything to me.
ChandlerLook, maybe she didn't move on, you know? I mean maybe that kiss was just an impulsive one-time birthday thing.
RossNo, about a month ago she gave her number to some guy in a bar.
ChandlerDid she go out with him?
RossNo. When he called, I...I threw the message away.
ChandlerAh! The high road.
RossAw, you know what? Enough! Enough talking! I-I have to get moving! Hey check out those two blondes over there! Hey, come with me!
ChandlerAre you trying to get everybody divorced?
RossCome on, you don't have to do anything. It'll just be easier if it is the two of us, like college, remember? First you break the ice with some kind of jokes so that they know you're the funny one and then I swoop in with some interesting conversation, so they'll see that I'm the brilliant, brooding, sexy one.
ChandlerI thought I got to make the jokes.
RossDon't you have to be at work?
ChandlerOh come on! Hello! Hi! My name is Chandler, this's my friend Ross right here, (Ross says "Hi") and we were wondering, you know if you're up for it. We only need six more people for a human pyramid...Swoop! Swoop!
RossHum...So...hum...Oh hey I-I noticed you were reading the paper...uh, another flood in Europe huh? Uhm, here's a question, "Would you... would you rather drown or be burnt alive?"
Blonde girlI am sorry...we were just leaving.
ChandlerOk. (To Ross) We still got it! Ross's apartment. Someone knocks on the door. RachelWho is it?
GavinGavin! I brought you some soup.
GavinI-I heard you were sick.
RachelOh! Right! Yeah! Hold on, let me just clean up in here a little bit! Hello Gavin.
GavinI missed you at work today. How are you feeling?
RachelI am not gonna lie to you, I'm pretty sick.
GavinOh! Good! Because I was having a totally paranoid moment when I thought you called in sick to avoid me.
RachelOh no no no no. (Pretends to cough)
GavinSo, I had fun last night.
RachelSo did I.
GavinExactly how contagious is this thing you have? I mean is it a cold for standing on the balcony or did a monkey bite you?
RachelIt's just a cold.
GavinYou have a fever? Let me see. (Spots something) Uhm...
RachelWhat? What is, what's the matter?
GavinWhat's Ross doing to you on that picture?
RachelOh, he's dusting me with a fossil brush. He thought it would be funny.
GavinRight. Right. Ross. So what's the deal with you guys? I don't wanna get in the middle of anything.
RachelOh, you're not, you're not. You're not gonna get in the middle of anything, don't worry about Ross really, really. (She hears the noise of the key in the lock) Oh! Hide! That's Ross! Hide! Hide, hide.
GavinYeah! But you said not to worry about...
RachelI lied! And I'm not sick either! Just stay behind the curtain!
RachelOh! Molly! You're not Ross.
MollyNo, I'm here to take Emma to your mother's, remember?
RachelRight, yes, yes!
MollyDon't panic!
MollyThere is a man behind your curtain. I have a Mace in my purse.
RachelNo! That's OK! That's OK! That's OK! No no no no! No, this is my business associate Gavin. He's just being silly. Gavin, come out from behind that curtains!
GavinHi! Gavin! Pleased to meet you. It was my idea to stand there.
MollyOh, hello! I'll, I just go and get Emma.
GavinSo uhm...Why did I have to hide?
RachelI thought it was Ross.
GavinSo what if it was? I thought there was nothing going on between you two.
RachelThere isn't. There totally isn't.
GavinYou hear keys in the hall and you jump like a young bronco coming out of a chute for the first time. I used to be a rodeo clown.
RachelUhm... All right. Look. Gavin...I...I guess I-I felt guilty, that you were here, which I shouldn't. You know Ross and I are not into relationship but...he is the father of my child, and you know, we-we do live together and plus there is just so much know, it's just...I-I don't know, I'm sorry, I'm ju-just all over the place.
GavinIt's OK. Now, I know it's probably not my place but can I give you a piece of advice?
GavinI think you should talk to Ross about all this.
RachelPeople keep saying that. Oh, I'm sorry Gavin.
GavinDon't be. It's just bad timing.
RachelSo clown?
GavinOne of the best, ma'am, one of the best. Mike's piano bar. Phoebe"No time for losers, 'cause we are the champions of the world...!" Thank you! {We Are The Champions lyrics}
(Mike kisses Phoebe)
MikeOh she's my girlfriend. That's not just how we do it here. Um, all right, I'm gonna take a little break and when we come back we've got Kenneth singing "I touch myself", I'm not here to judge!
Phoebe(To Monica) Hee-hee, oh you have got to sing.
MonicaNo, I told you I can't.
PhoebeBut you would have so much fun and you have a really nice voice.
MonicaWhat have you heard me sing?
PhoebeAll the time when you're cooking.
PhoebeYeah you're always singing "Yummy yummy yummy, I've got love in my tummy."
MonicaYeah I do rock that one.
PhoebeOK, so isn't there just a little part of you that wants to get up there?
MonicaJust a little's just God, it's so scary! I mean I-I don't even know what I would sing...
MikeWell, I've got a book around...
Monica"Delta Dawn". {lyrics} Central Perk. RossHi! I uh, I couldn't help not notice, but that's-that's an unusual necklace.
WomanYou already hit on me an hour ago.
RossRight, so that's a firm "no". (To Chandler) I don't believe this, I just keep striking out.
ChandlerI don't get it either, I mean you're obviously desperate, you're asking women how they wanna be killed.
RossOh, this is great. Rachel's gonna keep kissing guys until she finds the one she wants and I'm-I'm gonna die alone.
ChandlerBy drowning or...?
MichelleWhy would he break up with me?
Her friendI don't know sweetie.
MichelleAll I ever wanted was just love him and have him love me back. I mean, am I so unlovable?
RossI know! (he stands) The piano bar. MikeAll right, that was Kenneth with his much too literal rendition of "I touch myself". Coming up next we've got Monica singing "Delta Dawn".
MonicaBut wait wait! I can't sing in front of all these people.
PhoebeWell just pretend they're not even here! It's OK Monica, once that spotlight hits you it so bright you won't see anyone anyway.
MonicaHi! I'm Monica and I'm going to be singing Delta Dawn. Delta Dawn, what's that flower you have on? Could it be a faded rose from days gone by?...
PhoebeCan you totally see through her shirt?
MikeLike an X-Ray. Bad day not to wear a bra.
Monica...take you to the mansion in the sky-y? She's forty-one and her daddy still calls her baby... Monica and Chandler's apartment. ChandlerI'm calling about the advertising job? Yes, I realize it would be entry level. Oh, so would I actually have to wear the chicken suit?
Joey(Holding a magazine befoce his face.) Hey, I need your help.
ChandlerWow, it seems serious. What seems to be the problem, Ashley Judd?
JoeyOk look, I'll get new headshot taken, all right? So I went to get my eyebrows shaped.
ChandlerI am sorry, moment to make fun of that, please!
JoeyI may be a sissy but I still pound you into the ground. All right, look, it hurts so bad, I could only let her do one eyebrow and now... they don't match!
ChandlerIt's like a baby caterpillar chasing its mama!
JoeyAll right, look, you gotta help me out, ok? Look, I have a magic marker, I want you to fill in the skinny one so I don't look stupid for my pictures.
ChandlerOk. First of all, this is green!
JoeyAw! Oh what the hell am I supposed to do!
ChandlerAll right, I will help you out, but you have to promise me you will not tell anyone what I am about to tell you.
JoeyWhat, what?
ChandlerOk, you know how most kids get their allowance from mowing the lawn or taking out the garbage, well, I earned mine by plucking the eyebrows of my father and his "business" partners.
Joey(laughs) Oh my God!
ChandlerYeah, well, I guess you don't need my help Victor Victoria!
JoeyOk all right, no, no, no, no, I do, I do, I do, I need your help, but Chandler I don't know if I can take anymore plucking. It hurts so bad!
ChandlerOh, not with my combination of ice cubes, Aloe vera and my gentle self-loathing touch. The Piano Bar. Monica(The audience applauds loudly.) "Take me to the mansion in the sky-y". (The audience is disappointed.) I am sorry, the song is over. (To Phoebe) Did you see me out there?
PhoebeEvery little bit of you!
MonicaI-I can't believe I did it. I can't believe I'm singing for the people, and they liked me! Hey, did you hear that one guy shouting "look at those tips"! I mean, did I really help you get a lot of tips?
PhoebeOk, Mon, not that you didn't sound good-
MonicaGood? Didn't you hear them...I was great! Oh, thank you so much for making me do this. That's is the best gift, ever.
MikeAlso a good gift? Underwear. Ross's apartment. MichelleThank you so much for letting me do this. Public bathrooms freak me out, I can't even pee, let alone do anything else.
RossBut, what's great is you don't mind talking about it.
MichelleGod, it's so amazing that I met you on the same day that Eric broke up with me, 'cause it's like you lose a boyfriend, you get a boyfriend.
MichelleNo-no-no don't worry, this is not some rebound thing. I am totally over Eric.
RossPfew. (She heads for the bathroom.) (to himself) Good choice Ross.
RachelOh, hey! Hi, there you are, I've been looking for you everywhere!
RossOh, yeah, hello, well, here, here I am.
RachelHey, listen, my mum is not bringing the baby back until nine o'clock. So, I was hoping you and I could have a chance to kinda talk? (She hears the flush of the toilet) Somebody here?
RossOh, yeah, yeah, that's Michelle.
RossOh, just this woman I've been seeing.
RachelYou've being seeing someone?
RossYeah, didn't I mention that? Yeah, yeah, uh-uh, I mean, we haven't being going out too long, but uh really there is this amazing connection between us. Um, I-I mean, in fact just before you came in she called me her boyfriend. I thought it was a little too soon, but also, you know, felt kind of nice.
MichelleWhat are you taking amoxicillin for?
RossHow great is this? You're, you're already comfortable enough to, to look through my stuff. Oh, I am sorry Michelle, this's my roommate, Rachel.
RachelHi, and I am also Emma's mother.
MichelleAh, who is Emma?
RossOh, I-I, I told you about my daughter.
MichelleAh, this is your daughter? (to Rachel) I can be your new mummy! Monica and Chandler's apartment. ChandlerAnd done!
JoeyOh my God! I didn't feel a thing ! Hey, are you still looking for a job 'cause you can tweeze circles around that sadistic bitch at the salon.
ChandlerThanks. You wanna see what it looks like?
JoeyYeah, yeah. Hey, they totally match! They look great! They look great! How you doing!
ChandlerYeah, yeah, I think it looks pretty good. I was a little worried that I was uh uncovering a birthmark right about there, but it turned out to be a little piece of chocolate.
JoeyHey Chandler, thank you so much.
ChandlerNo problem.
JoeyListen uh, that's a pretty girly hour we just spent, we should probably do some manly make up for it.
Joey (pause) Comb my eyelashes.
ChandlerYeah. The Piano Bar. MonicaOk, for my next song I think I'll sing something a little more upbeat. All right? Uhm, oh, how about the Pointer Sisters' "I am so excited". And make it bouncy!
PhoebeOh you'll probably take care of that on your hand.
ChandlerI am sorry I am late. You'll understand when you see Joey.
MonicaHoney, honey, you're just in time, I'm about to sing another song!
ChandlerReally? In front of all this people?
MonicaAnd they love me!
ChandlerOh my God!
PhoebeYes, she gives the people what they want.
MonicaAll right, watch!
Monica"Tonight tonight we're gonna make it happen, tonight we'll put all other things aside. Give in this time and show me some affection..."
ChandlerAre those my wife's nipples?
PhoebeOh? Isn't that funny? I didn't see that before, I wouldn't have let her go up again.
ChandlerI gotta stop this.
(Chander runs upstage and whispers something to Monica.)
MonicaOh, who cares, they still love me! "I am so excited..."
ChandlerYou, touching yourself, out! Ross's apartment. (Michelle is in the bathroom.)
RachelWow. She does that a lot!
MichelleRoss, you didn't tell me you were a doctor!
RachelWh-wh, wait a minute! You haven't even told her that you are a doctor yet? How long have you known her, like an hour?
MichelleActually about an hour and a half.
RossI-I told you it wasn't long, but uh there is an amazing connection between us.
MichelleYou feel that too? Oh, I thought that was just me!
RossAre you, are you kidding?
MichelleOh. Hey, do you wanna go away this weekend?
RossWe'll see.
RachelOk, Ross, what's going on here, are we just bringing strange women back to the apartment now?
RossI don't know, are we just kissing guys on balconies?
RachelHow do you know about that?
RossThrough the magic of sight! I was here, putting our child to sleep...
RossWhen I happened to look through the window and see you kissing a guy you know, for what? A week?
RachelOh, God, is that what this is all about? Did you bring her up here to get back at me?
MichelleNo, actually, see, I had to pee, 'cause I can't use public bathrooms because the doodie parasites.
RossOk, Michelle, it's time to go.
MichelleWell, call me!
MichelleNo, wait, you don't have my phone number!
RossUm, you know what, if it's meant to be, I'll guess it. Bye-bye.
RossOh, I am sorry, did you not like her, because I was hoping that we could come to one of your kissing parties on the balcony.
RachelOh God, you know what, I can not believe you're making such a big deal about this. It was one kiss, one guy, one time!
RossOh, really?!
RossOh, really?!
RachelOh yeah!
RossWhat about the guy from the bar?
RachelWhat? Who?
RossThe guy you gave your number to.
RachelHow do you know about that?
RossBecause he called here looking for you. So don't tell me this...this kissing this guy from work is a one time thing, ok? 'Cause you've been out there in-in bars and on balconies for over a month now. And you didn't even have the courtesy to tell me.
RachelWhy didn't I get that message?
RachelFrom the guy in the bar, why didn't I get that message?
RossBecause I folded it up and put it in my pants pocket. Do you, do you not look there?
RossI never gave it to you.
RossI don't, I don't know.
RachelOh God. You know what? Who you think you are? Who are you, to decide what messages I should or should not get?
RossWho am I?
RossI am the guy who's taking care of our baby while you're out at bars meeting guys!
RachelOh my God, I cannot believe you. You know I actually came in here hoping to have a mature conversation with you about us! But I can't do that with someone who-who hides my messages and brings crazy women back to my apartment!
RossHey! None of the sane ones wanted to come back with me! That's, that's not the point. Ok? The point is, you, you are the one who moved on and didn't tell anyone!
RachelOh God, Ross, this is just so messed up! Uh, what is wrong with us? You know when people hear about our situation they always ask? What, you live together but you're not a couple? And you have a baby, isn't that weird? And I say you know-you know what, it's not, because it works for us! But you know what, this doesn't work. In fact this is the-the opposite of working!
RossUh, clearly.
RachelAnd you know, we said that we would, we would live together as long as this makes sense. And maybe this, you know, just doesn't make sense anymore.
RossYeah, maybe not. So what you wanna do? Joey's apartment. Someone knocks on door. JoeyHey!
RachelHi. Can Emma and I live here for a while?
JoeyHuhh, of course.
RachelThank you.
JoeyYour eyebrows look weird. The Piano Bar. Chandler(singing) "Jeremiah was a bullfrog. Was a good friend of mine, never understood a single word he said, but I helped him drink his wine." {lyrics} [to the Touching guy] So you just touch yourself for anything?

Written by Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer; Teleplay by Steven Rosenhaus; Transcribed by PHDB and Sebastiano; Annotated by ncp