Central Perk, Joey, Ross, Monica and Phoebe are there as Chandler enters.
Chandler(excited) Guys, guys, I've got great news! Guess what...
Monica(shocked) Really? (She looks around, suddenly embarrassed) Let's get past the moment.
PhoebeWhat's your news?
ChandlerThank you. I got a job in advertising. (Everybody cheers)
Monica(hugging Chandler) Oh, honey, that's incredible!
Phoebe(inquisitive) Gosh, what's the pay like? (Everybody stares at her indignantly) Oh, come on people...(defending) come on, now, if I don't know who makes the most, how do I know who I like the most! (She looks at Joey) Hey Joey! (Joey winks at her)
ChandlerWell, actually, it pays nothing. It's an internship.
JoeyOh, that's cool. We have interns at 'Days Of Our Lives'.
ChandlerRight. So, it'll be the same except...less sex with you. (Joey nods)
RossSo, uh, what kinda stuff do you think they'll have you do there?
ChandlerWell, it's a training program, but at the end, they hire the people they like.
Phoebe(enthusiastic) That's great.
ChandlerYeah, I mean, there's probably gonna be some groundwork which will probably stink, you know, grown man getting people coffee is a little humiliating.
(At the same time, Gunther puts down a cup of coffee in front of Chandler)
Chandler(grinning awkwardly) Humiliating and noble! Thank you.
(Gunther shoots a nasty look at him while leaving)
RossYou know, if-if I didn't already have a job, I-I think, I would have been really good in advertising.
MonicaRoss, you did not come up with "got milk?"
RossYes, I did, I did! (He turns to Joey, disappointed) I should have written it down!
Monica and Chandler's Aparment, Monica sits at the table.
JoeyWhere's Chandler? I wanna wish him good luck on his first day. (Monica smiles) .. and I smelled bacon. Haha. (taking some)
MonicaHe just left.
Joey(puzzled) Who did? (Monica looks bewildered)
Rachel(entering) Joey! You never gonna believe it: she called.
Joey(standing up, surprised) She did?
Rachel(enthusiastic) You got it!
Joey(still surprised) I did?
MonicaWhat is she talking about?
JoeyI don't know, but it sounds great.
RachelYour agent called. You got that audition.
JoeyWith-with Leonard Hayes?
JoeyOh my God, that is great! That is gonna for a play on Broadway...and in a real theatre, not that little one underneath the deli like last time.
MonicaIs it a good play?
JoeyWell, it must be, because I read it and I didn't understand a singe word.
RachelAnd Leonard Hayes is starring in it...
JoeyYeah, yeah, and directing.
Monica(sighs) Oh, he was so good in that movie of MacBeth.
Rachel(disbelieving) You saw that?
MonicaNo, but...I saw the previews. They played it right before Jackass.
Rachel and Joey(pointing at Monica, a look of recognition in their faces) Ah!
JoeyYeah, yeah, yeah, he has, he's done some amazing work.
RachelOh, yeah. Oh, I loved him in those cellphone commercials.
Joey(almost laughing) I know. When the monkey hits him in the face with that giant rubber phone? (They all laugh)
MonicaHey! Maybe the monkey will be at the audition!
Joey(sitting down) Don't make me more nervous than I already am!
Chandler's new workplace, his fellow interns are already seated around a table.
Chandler(entering) Good morning, everybody.
InternCan I get you a cup of coffee, sir?
ChandlerOh, no, no, I'm an intern, just like you guys...except for the tie, the briefcase...and the fact that I can rent a car.
InternSeriously, you're an intern?
ChandlerYeah, well, I'm kinda heading into a new career direction and, you know, you gotta start at the bottom.
Intern(shaking his head disbelievingly) Dude!
ChandlerRight. Look, I know I'm a little bit older than you guys, but it's not like I'm Bob Hope (he sits down)
(Everybody gives him an inquiring look)
ChandlerThe comedian? USO?!
Intern(correcting him) Uh, it's USA, sir.
(Chandler desperately covers his head in his hands)
Audition room, Joey is lead into the room by a receptionist in a fancy dress.
ReceptionistThis is Joey Tribbiani. Joey, these are the producers and, as you probably already know, this is Leonard Hayes.
(Leonard Hayes turns around in his chair to face Joey)
JoeyIt is so amazing to meet you. (They are shaking hands) I'm such a big fan of your work.
LeonardWell, I've...I've been blessed with a...a lot of great roles.
JoeyTell me about it! "Unlimited nights and weekends!"
LeonardYou making fun of me? Because I am not a sell-out. (He stands up and walks menacingly towards Joey) I didn't do that for the money, I believe in those phones. I almost lost a cousin, because of bad wireless service.
JoeyNo, no, I-I-I wasn't making fun of you, honestly, I-I think you were great in those commercials.
LeonardWell, I do bring a certain credibility to the role.
Joey(regaining confidence) Are you kidding? When they shoot you out of that cannon...
LeonardPeeeeeooooooooch (He mimes flying out of the cannon) "Hang up that phone!" One take!
LeonardSo, shall we uh, read?
JoeyOh, yeah, sure.
LeonardTop of act two. This's my entrance. You got it?
(Joey nods whereupon Leonard acts as if he is entering a room)
LeonardWhat the hell are you still doing here?
(Joey stares at him, fascinated by his performance)
JoeyErr, I think you know.
JoeyI am what you made me. You know what? I could go right now.
JoeyI can't. Oh, I want to, long pause, but I can't.
LeonardSo, sorry. You-you're not supposed to say "long pause".
Joey(understandingly) Oh, oh, I thought that was your character's name, you know, I thought you were like an Indian or something, you know with a...(He mimes wearing a feather on his head)
LeonardNo. Thank you so much for coming in. We appreciate it, thank you.
JoeyAh, y-y-you're sure you don't want me to do it again? I could do it you know, with an accent, you know, Southern (He speaks in what he believes is a Southern accent) "I could go right now, maaan!"
Leonard(stunned, muttering) My God in heaven.
(The producers stand up)
Producer #1Joey, hang on for a second. Leonard, can we talk to you for a moment?
(They stand aside, talking)
LeonardYou, you gotta be kidding. See, h-he, he can't act. (Joey hears that and his disappointment is reflected in his facial expression).
(Producer #1 whispers something)
LeonardHey! I-I-I don't care he thinks he's hot, you know. If you wanna sleep with him, do it on your own time. (Joey smiles smugly at this) This is a play. No, listen: if you insist on this, I will call my agent so fast on a cell phone that has a connection that is so clear he's gonna think I'm next door.
(Joey approaches them)
Joey(interrupting their conversation) Ah, hi, ah. Thank you so much for whispering for my benefit, but, ah, look, if you just tell me what I did wrong, I would love to work on it and come back and try it again for you. And-and also: (to Producer #1) 'How you doing?' (to Leonard again) You should, please, just-just give me another chance. I really wanna get better, please.
LeonardWell, if you wanna come back at the end of the day today, here are my notes. Ready?
LeonardUhm, you're in your head. You-you're thinking way too much.
JoeyI really doubt that.
Leonard(explaining to Joey, who nods fervently.) No, no, no. It's that you're not connected with anything in your body. There's no urgency. The scene is a struggle, uhm, it's-it's a race. Also, what you did was horizontal. Don't be afraid to explore the vertical. And don't learn the words. Let the words learn you.
(Joey ponders on this for a while)
Joey(suggesting.) Couldn't I just sleep with the producer?
Leonard I'm gonna blow, blow (Leaves)
Backstreet, Ross and Phoebe walking.
PhoebeHey, do you wanna go to dinner tonight?
RossOh, I can't. I've-I've got a date with that waitress, that Katy. Yeah, I-I know we've only gone out like twice, but, I don't know, I have a really good feeling about her.
PhoebeOh, I hear divorce bells.
(A mugger, his face hidden by a cap, approaches them from behind)
MuggerAlright. Just give me your wallets and there won't be a problem.
Ross(taken aback) What?
MuggerI have a gun (It looks like he has a gun under his coat)
RossO-ok. Just just relax, Phoene, just stay calm. (He searches his coat and freaks out). Oh my God, I can't find my wallet.
(He finally finds the wallet and hands it to the mugger)
MuggerAlright, lady, now give me your purse!
Ross(still in a high-pitched voice) What'd you mean "no"? I knew you'd be my death, Phoebe Buffay.
(A sign of recognition runs across Phoebe's face)
PhoebeLowell, is that you?
LowellPhoebe? (He lifts his cap) Oh my God!
Phoebe(simultaneously) Oh my God!
(They hug and scream)
Phoebe(excited) I'm sorry, Ross, this is my old friend Lowell from the streets. Lowell, Ross.
LowellRoss, nice to meet you. (He stretches his hand out to him)
RossYeah, a real pleasure.
PhoebeAh, it's been so long, oh, so long. (They hug again) I can't believe you're still doing this!
LowellOh, I know, but I quit smoking!
PhoebeGood for you!
LowellSo you look like you're doing really well! I guess your mugging days are behind you?
Ross(shocked) Oh my God. Phoebe, you used to mug people?
PhoebeExcuse me, Ross, old friends catching up...
Monica and Chandler's Apartment, Monica sits on the couch as Joey enters.
MonicaHey, how'd the audition go?
JoeyWell, they wanna see me again this afternoon, but, err, well, Leonard Hayes did not like me. (He sits down)
JoeyWell, he said I wasn't urgent, enough, you know, and that everything I did was horizontal and I should be more vertical. Oh, and he said that I should think less.
MonicaSo far so good! (Joey nods)
Chandler(entering, carrying a large box) Honey, I'm old!
Monica(standing up, walking towards him) I didn't know you were coming home for lunch. Can I get you anything?
ChandlerSure. A tube of Polident? Some Depends? Birthday wishes from Willard Scott?
ChandlerI am so much older than these interns. I can't compete with them.
MonicaSo you're a little older. Try to look at the positive: You have so much life experience.
ChandlerYes, but I don't think life experience is gonna help me, with these. (He opens the box and takes an inline skate-like sneaker out)
JoeyWooooooooow (He takes the sneaker) It's like they're on fire!
MonicaWhat are they? (They sit down again.)
ChandlerThey're these prototype sneakers that I have to come up with ideas on how to sell them which I can't do because no self-respecting adult would ever wear these.
Joey(determined) I'll give you $500 for 'em!
ChandlerWhat am I supposed to do with these?
MonicaAh, come on, sneakers are easy. You wear sneakers all the time.
ChandlerWell, first of all, they're not called "sneakers" anymore. Apparently, they're called "kicks" or "skids" and I think I heard somebody say "slorps". (He takes a sneaker) And here, look, they got these wheels to pop out from the bottom so you can roll around because, apparently, walking, is too much exercise. Kids, kids, roll your way to childhood obesity!
MonicaWow, kids today have such an easier time getting fat.
ChandlerWould you help me try to sell these?
MonicaOk, have you considered using a girl with huge knockers?
ChandlerNo, I don't think that's the kinda thing they're looking for.
JoeyHey, that'd work on me! Why did you guy buy Mrs. Butterworth's?
Central Perk, Monica sits on the couch as Phoebe and Ross enter.
RossHey, you'll never guess what just happened...Phoebe and I got mugged!
Ross(sitting down) Yeah, because Phoebe knew the mugger!
Monica(bewildered) How do you know a mugger?
PhoebeI'm sorry I have friends outside the six of us.
RossYou wanna know how she knew him? (He points at Phoebe) Because Phoebe used to mug people.
PhoebeWell, I'm not proud of it, but, you know...sometimes when I was living on the street and I needed money for food and stuff I...
Monica(disapproving) Phoebe, that is awful!
PhoebeWell, ok, I wasn't rich like you guys, ok? I didn't eat gold and have a flying pony...I had a hard life, my mother was killed by a drug dealer...
MonicaYour mother killed herself!
PhoebeShe was a drug dealer!
RossWell, anyway, it was a good thing Phoebe knew him, because (menacingly) I was about to do some serious damage!
MonicaWell, this must've brought back some really bad memories for you, Ross.
MonicaWell, Ross was mugged as a kid.
Phoebe(worried) You were?
RossYeah, it was pretty traumatic. It was outside St. Marc's Comics...you know, I-I-I was just there minding my own business, you know, seeing what kinda trouble Spiderman got into that week-
Monica(coughing) Wonder Woman!
RossAnyway, I was heading towards this bakery, you know, to pick up a couple of dozen Linzer torte for someone...(He looks at Monica) ...when outta nowhere this-this, this thug with a pipe jumps out and says: "Gimme your money, punk!"
Phoebe(shocked) Oh my God...
RossI know! And-and the worst part was they took my backpack which had all the original artwork I had done for my own comic book: "Science Boy."
MonicaOh yeah! Wh-what was his superpower again?
RossA superhuman thirst for knowledge. I-I better get to class. Are there any more of your friends I should look out for on my way Phoebe?
PhoebeNo...actually, you might wanna stay away from Jane street...that's where Stabby Joe works.
(Ross leaves Central Perk.)
PhoebeOk, I think we have a problem here.
PhoebeWell, uhm, back in my mugging days, you know, I, uhm, I worked at St. Marc's Comics.
PhoebeWell, a pipe was my weapon of choice and, uhm, pre-teen comic book nerds were my meat.
PhoebeWell, there was this one kid who had a sticker on his backpack that said-
Phoebe and Monica"Geology rocks!"
MonicaOh my God!
PhoebeI know...I mugged Ross!
Audition room, the producers and Leonard are waiting for Joey.
Joey(entering) I know, I'm sorry, but, can I just have a quick second to run to the bathroom?
ReceptionistNo, Leonard doesn't wait!
JoeyBut I'm bursting with u-hu!
Leonard(spotting Joey) Joey! Here we go. Let's go, very quickly!
JoeyActually, I really need...
Leonard(interrupting) We must go now, quickly, please.
JoeyYes...ahahaaa (He seems to be in pain)
LeonardReady? What the hell are you still doing here?
Joey(walking on the spot) I think you know!
LeonardGod, you sick bastard!
JoeyI am what you made me! You know what?
JoeyI could go right now.
LeonardThen go, go!
Joey(urgent) Oh, oh, I, oh, I can't. I want to, but I can't!
LeonardCut! That was good. (He turns to the producers) That was very good. You did everything I asked for.
Joey(disbelieving) I did?
LeonardYes. Plus...what you've got this...I don't know what you've got going...this squirmy quality that you bring into the character that I couldn't've even imagined. Wow, hey, here's what we gonna do: come back tomorrow for the final callbacks with the Backers, do all of this what you've got going now, but you know what? More, more. Can you do that?
JoeySure, yeah. I don't have time to say thank you because I really gotta go. (He grabs his jacket and limps out of the room)
Leonard(watching Joey leave) Look at that: still in character, I like it...I plant seeds, I can't explain.
Monica and Chandler's Apartment, Chander sits on the couch as Monica and Rachel enter.
MonicaWhat're you doing?
ChandlerPutting on the sneakers...thought I'd get into a younger mindset, you know, to see if it sparks anything...
RachelOh, anything yet?
ChandlerYes, how's this: They're so uncomfortable it's like getting kicked in the nuts for your feet!
(At that moment, Joey opens the door)
(Joey heads straight for the fridge, takes all the beverage cans and is about to leave the apartment)
JoeyProbably wanna know what I'm doing?
MonicaNo, that seems about right.
JoeyYesterday at my audition, I really had to pee, and apparently, having to pee makes me really a good actor. I got a callback, so I'm drinking everything. Oh, hey, by the way, that egg nog in our fridge was great!
RachelJoey, that was formula.
JoeyWe gotta get more of that. (He leaves the apartment)
Chandler(sitting on the couch) You know what, these aren't half bad! (to Rachel) You should suggest something like these to Ralph Lauren.
RachelOk, first of all, that's stupid and second of all, I'm not allowed to talk to Ralph.
ChandlerAlright (He stands wearing the sneakers on) I feel younger already!
(He trips and falls hard on his back)
Chandler(on the floor) Yeah, I think I broke my hip.
Central Perk, Phoebe is there drinking coffee and Ross is about to enter.
Phoebe(spotting Ross) Hey, you!
PhoebeHey, how was class?
RossNo one ever asked me that, what's wrong?
PhoebeNothing, I really wanna know.
RossOh, (He looks positively surprised) Well, uhm, there was actually a rather lively discussion about the Pleistocene-
Phoebe(interrupting) Alright, nothing is worth this. Uhm, I have, I have a confession to make...uhm, ok, you know that, that girl that mugged you when you were a kid-
Ross(disbelieving.) Wh-What're you talking about? It wasn't a girl. It was this-this huge dude, he had a pitchfork and a, and a sword.
PhoebeYou don't have to lie anymore, Ross, I know that it was a fourteen year-old girl.
RossNo, it wasn't.
PhoebeYes, it was.
RossNo, it wasn't. You don't think I would've defended myself against a fourteen year-old...
Phoebe(interrupting, pinching his dear) "Gimme your money, punk!"
Ross(shocked) Oh my God, it was you! I can't believe it, you...you mugged me?
Phoebe(apologetic) Yeah, and I'm so, so sorry, Ross, I'm sorry, but, you know, if you think about it, it's kinda neat. (She smiles at him, but he doesn't understand) I mean, well, it's-it's just that I I've always felt kind of, you know, like an outsider, you know, the rest of you have these connections that like way back and, you know, now, you and I have...have a great one!
RossIt's not the best!
PhoebeI know, I'm sorry, please forgive me. I don't know what to say-
RossThere's nothing you can say. That was the most humiliating thing that ever happened to me.
PhoebeReally? Even more humiliating than-
Ross(interrupting) Yeah, let's not do this!
(He picks up his briefcase and walks out of the door, leaving Phoebe behind)
Chandler's new workplace, we are witnessing a presentation of a fellow intern.
Internand then, at the end of the commercial, the girls get out of the hot tub, start making out with each other!
Boss(ironic) That's interesting! Just one thought: You didn't mention the shoes. Who's next? (Chandler raises his hand) Chander...
ChandlerOk. (He stands up) You start on the image of a guy putting on the shoes. He's about my age.
Intern(snorting) Your age?
ChandlerA-huh. So he's rolling down the street and he starts to lose control, you know, maybe he falls, maybe he hurts himself. Just then, a kid comes flying by wearing the shoes. He jumps over the old guy and laughs, and the line reads: "Not suitable for adults!"
BossChandler, that's great!
ChandlerOh, thank you, sir...or man-who's-two-years-younger-than-me (He sits down again)
BossYou see? That has a clear selling point. It appeals to our key demographic, it's.... (enthusiastic) How did you come up with that?
Chandler(over-enthusiastic) I don't know, I don't know, I don' know! I was just, I was trying to get into a young mindset, you know, stuff started to flow.
BossThat is great. Good work!
BossWe'll see all you tomorrow. (He leaves)
(Chandler stands up and walks out the room with a cane.)
ChandlerThe cold weather hurts my hip!
Central Perk, Ross sits in a chair as Phoebe enters.
PhoebeHey, Ross! (He lowers his newspaper and scowls at her) Ok, look, I know you're still mad at me, but can I just talk to you for a sec?
RossSure, go ahead. Oh, sorry, sure, go ahead. (He raises his hands as if being mugged)
PhoebeI just really wanted to apologize again and...and also show you something I think you'll find very exciting.
(She puts a box on her lap, labelled "crap from the street".)
Ross(faking enthusiasm) Oh my God, crap from the street? (She smiles excitedly, but Ross just turns back to his newspaper)
PhoebeLook, Ross, in this box are all the things I got from mugging that I thought were too special to sell...or smoke. (Ross looks at her in astonishment) Anyway, I was looking through it and I found "Science Boy" (She holds up some sheets of paper and hands them to Ross)
RossOh my God. (He sighs) I never thought I'd see this again. (He browses trough the pages) It's all here. What, what made you save it all these years?
PhoebeI can't say, I just thought it was really good...and-and...maybe would be worth something one day.
RossYou really thought "Science Boy" was worth saving.
PhoebeWell, yeah...but you should know, I also have a jar of vaseline and a cat skull in here.
RossStill, this-this is amazing...Oh my God, thank you, Phoebe.
PhoebeYou're welcome. And thank you for "Science Boy". I learned a lot from him.
RossYou're welcome. Wait a minute, did you, did you add something to him?
PhoebeOh yeah. Well, A-huh. You see, the way you drew him, there was no way he was ever gonna get Gravity Girl. Well, he looked like a Ken doll in those tights.
RossHuh (Starts adding something)
PhoebeWhat's that? What're you-
RossIs that a beaker or are you happy to see me?
PhoebeI don't get it.
The Audition room, Joey and Leonard are rehearsing.
Joey(hoping frantically on the spot, screaming) I need an answer!
LeonardI-I-I can't tell you something I don't know.
LeonardI don't know!
JoeyI need an answer now!
LeonardAlright, Alright, here, you want an answer, the answer...is...
(He pauses while Joey struggles to avoid wetting his pants)
LeonardShe never loved me, she only loved you.
JoeyYou knew this all along and you never told me? You never told me? I can never forgive you, I can never forgive myself, I have nothing to live for- Bang - End Scene!
LeonardAbsolutely amazing! (The producers applaud Joey) The part is yours.
Joey(in pain) Oh thanks, thanks! Now, I really have to get...
LeonardWa-wa-wa-wait! Congratulations! You did it! You did it! (He hugs Joey) You can relax now. Yeah.
(Joey relaxes and wets his pants while hugging Leonard)
Monica and Chandler's Apartment, Monica sits at the table reading the mail.
MonicaWow, it's a big cable bill! Huh, you don't have a job, but you have no problem ordering porn...on a Saturday afternoon?! (shocked) I was in the house!
Ross(entering) Hey, uh, Phoebe didn't by any chance mention that-
MonicaShe was the huge guy that-that mugged you? Yeah.
RossI see. You-you didn't happen to tell-
MonicaEverybody we know? Yeah.
RossGreat. Thanks! (He leaves)
Transcribed by Johannes Pohl; Annotated by ncp