Joey and Rachel's apartment. Joey is shaving in the bathroom. Rachel storms in. RachelShe's crawling! Emma's crawling!
JoeyHe's bleeding! Joey's bleeding!
RachelI'm sorry, I'm sorry. Honey, you've gotta come see this. I'm gonna go get Monica and Chandler.
(She runs into the corridor and starts banging on the door.)
RachelMonica! Chandler! Monica! Chandler! Monica! Chandler! Come over! Come over! Hurry up! Hurry up! Hurry up!
(Chandler, who is also shaving, runs in.)
ChandlerWhat? What?
Joey(to Chandler) Hey, shaving?
ChandlerNo, rabies.
MonicaHey, what's going on?
RachelIt's Emma, she's crawling.
(Emma is just crouching there.)
ChandlerWow, look at her go.
RachelWell, give her a second.
(Monica, Chandler and Joey sit by the counter.)
RachelJoey, Joey.
Joey(Closes his robe) Oh, hey! Sorry.
ChandlerI can't believe how fast she's growing up. I mean, It seems like only yesterday she was... farting on my lap.
MonicaNot so funny when someone does it to you, is it?
RachelOh Emma, come on. Show everybody how you were crawling.
EveryoneCome on, Emma.
RachelOh you know what? I think we probably just distracted her. Let's everybody be still for just a minute.
(Phoebe comes in. Noticing they are holding something and still, she picks up a colander and joins them.)
PhoebeWho's painting us? Chandler and Monica's apartment. Chandler and Monica are looking through some papers. ChandlerHave you see our bank statement? Can this be right?
MonicaI know...God. I haven't seen my savings take a hit like this since I was a kid and they came up with Double Stuf Oreos. What happened to all of our money?
ChandlerWell, I'm not sure exactly what they did... but I'm inclined to blame Enron.
MonicaI guess with you doing the internship, we're just spending more than we're bringing in.
ChandlerYeah, maybe I should quit and get a job that pays.
MonicaOh...But you're finally doing something that you love! I mean, I can't ask you to give that up. Although it'd be nice if the thing that you love know...finding gold.
ChandlerYou know what? You know what? I think we're making too big a deal out of this, ok? So we pay our bills a little late this month. And maybe uh next month we cut back on a few things. And maybe we start eating out of Joey's refridgerator for a change. You're a chef...what can you make out of baking soda and beer?
MonicaAll right, worst case scenario is...we borrow some money from my parents. Or, you slipped on some ice at their house last month. Can we sue them?
ChandlerNo! And we're not borrowing money.
MonicaWhy not?
ChandlerBecause we don't do that. We are Bings! And there's one thing my father taught me was...well to always knock before going into the pool house...But the other thing was, never borrow money.
MonicaWow! I had no idea you had this much pride.
ChandlerThat's right! I do! I'm your man. And I'm gonna get us through this situation even if it means you working twice as hard. Phoebe's apartment. Mike and Phoebe are watching TV. MikeYou know, it's just really weird. You don't like eating animals, but you love watching them tear each other apart.
PhoebeNo, I don't, I don't. Get him. Get him! Separate the sick one from the herd!
MikeI'm gonna go. (He kisses Phoebe on the cheek.)
MikeI haven't been home in a couple of days and I need to get somemore clothes. don't have to go...I have something that will fit you.
MikeI put that tube top on as a joke.
PhoebeI want you to stay.
MikeI want to stay too, but I've got about as much out of these boxers as I can.
PhoebeWhy don't you turn them inside-
MikeDone it. (Phoebe becomes a little more subdued.) I'll be back in a couple of hours.
PhoebeI'll miss you.
MikeMe too. (He leaves. A few moments later, he enters again.)
Phone(to the TV) Oh, fine. Yeah, you got away. Don't look so smug. You're gonna bleed to death.
(Mike enters again.)
MikeYou know what? I just realized something. I don't wanna go home.
PhoebeGreat! Ok...I'll go get the tube top.
MikeNo, no! What I mean is...I-I hate going back to my apartment now...And partly because I live above a known crack den know, mostly because when I'm there...I...I just...I really miss you. So...Do you wanna move in together?
PhoebeWow...Mike Hannigan, you sure know how to make a girl say "Hell yeah!".
MikeSo we're doing it?
PhoebeYeah! Let's do it! Let's live together! (They embrace and Mike kisses Phoebe.)
PhoebeWow, we're really gonna move in together!
PhoebeI've always wanted to live with a guy..."Pick up your socks!" "Put down the toilet seat!" "No! We're not having sex anymore!" It's gonna be fun! Joey's apartment. JoeyShame on you, TV Guide. A man's ass is not nudity.
(Monica enters.)
MonicaHey Joey!
MonicaListen, I-I need to know that, what I'm about to ask you, will never get back to Chandler.
(Joey frowns...then looks as if he understands.)
JoeyI'd be lying if I said I haven't thought about it myself...Chandler is my best friend...It would be wrong. Good.(He winks.) But wrong.
Monica(Looks exasperated.) Ok first of all, it would be great. But that's not what I'm here to talk to you about, Ok? I-I need to borrow some money.
JoeyAwww, I don't know, Monica. You know...erm...lending friends money is always a mistake.
MonicaBut Chandler lent you money!
JoeyAnd I think he would tell you it was a mistake.
MonicaCome on, I just, I need it for some rent and-and some other bills.
JoeyOh. Well-uh, well how much?
MonicaTwo thousand dollars?
JoeyTwo thousand dollars!? What do you think I am? A soap opera star!?
JoeyThat's right I am! (Opens drawer and rummages through it.)
MonicaOk. Well promise me you'll never tell Chandler, it really hurts his pride.
Joey(laughs) Chandler? Pride?
MonicaI know. He thinks he has it. It's really cute.
(Rachel enters.)
RachelHi, you guys!
Joey & MonicaHey!
JoeyOo...what's in the bag?
RachelOh er...well you know Emma started crawling? I realized that this place, is very unsafe for a baby. So, I went to the store and I got some stuff to baby-proof the apartment.
JoeyOh, God, baby-proofing...Why is this such a big deal now? You know, when I was a kid it was like... "Whoops! Joey fell down the stairs!" or er, "Whoops! Joey electrocuted himself again!" Huh!
MonicaAnyway, uhm...Are you going to get a handyman to install this stuff?
RachelNo. I was just gonna do it myself. (Joey makes a sarcastic laugh.)
JoeyYou're gonna do it?
RachelYeah...Why? You don't think a woman can do this?
JoeyOh...Women can. You...can't.
RachelMonica, will you please tell Joey that he is a pig?
MonicaYou're a pig. And you can't do this.
RachelWha!? What!? Come on! I found the hardware store all by myself!
JoeyThe hardware store is right down the street.
RachelThere is a hardware store right down the street? Central Perk. Ross, Chanlder and Monica are sitting on the couch. Phoebe and Mike enters. PhoebeOk, you guys! Ok, we've got great news.
MikePhoebe and I are moving in together.
Monica, Chandler, RossCongratulations! That's good news. Great!
PhoebeI know, it's so exciting! You know, I've never lived with a guy before, you know.
MonicaWell you know it's just like living with a girl. Only-only they don't steal your makeup. Unless they're playing "This is what my sister would look like".(Looks at Chandler.)
ChandlerYeah, she's not so cute.
MikeI'm gonna go to the bathroom.
PhoebeOK, will you put down the toilet seat!
MikeYes dear.
MonicaOh, is that a bit you guys do?
PhoebeUh huh, we're playing you two.
MonicaWe don't do that! Tell her we don't do that!
ChandlerYes dear.
RossI can't believe you guys are moving in together. That's, that's great. I'm happy for you guys. I mean he's a great catch and those eyes.
(Everyone stares at Ross.)
RossI'm a scientist, I observe.
MonicaOh gosh, it's so exciting. You guys are really moving along. I mean I think I hear wedding bells.
PhoebeMonica slow down! Ok? I'm just excited to be living with him. You know I mean...I don't know...Can I see someday being married to Mike? Sure! Yeah...You know...I can picture myself walking down the aisle in a wedding dress that highlights my breasts in an obvious yet classy way. But do I want that house in Connecticut, you know, near the good schools where Mike and I could send Sophie and Mike Junior... Oh my god I do.
RossPhoebe...I had no idea you were so conventional.
PhoebeI know! I guess I am! Oh my god! Load up the Volvo I wanna be a soccer mom!
MikeYou ready to go?
PhoebeYeah! You bet roomie!
MonicaDon't you mean...groomy?
ChandlerHoney, leave the terrible jokes to me.
MikeWhat're you talking about?
PhoebeOh please, these guys, we haven't even moved in yet and they have us picking out china patterns. (Mike seems to gag a little...and laughs nervously. They begin to leave. Phoebe bolts back.)
PhoebeChina patterns! Joey's apartment. Rachel is fiddling with the drawer. RachelThis is easy...Can't do this! (Moves away and finds her sweater sleeve stuck to the drawer.)
RachelOh! Wow! Seriously I can't do this. (Fiddles more.) Central Perk. Chandler sits on the couch. Joey sits at the round table. ChandlerHey! Joe!
Chandler(Noticing there is a lot of food in front of Joey) You're here with somebody?
ChandlerLook uh, I need to ask you a favor but you can't tell Monica anything about it.
JoeyI thought you didn't have secrets from Monica.
ChandlerAnd that would remain the official party line. (Joey nods and does the OK gesture.) Look, Monica and I are having a little financial trouble.
JoeyYeah...I know.
ChandlerWhat? How do you know?
JoeyEr...I just figured it out! You know...I mean you're not working and the economy is bad.
ChandlerOh! Right.
Joey(to himself.) It's the fastest I have ever thought!
ChandlerAnyway, er... I need to borrow some money.
JoeyOh! Sure, yeah. How much? Two thousand dollars?
ChandlerYes! Two thousand dollars exactly! How do you know that? (Joey begins writing a cheque.)
JoeyEr...Well I uh...I know how much you used to make...And I know how much your rent is. (shrugs.)
ChandlerOh ok.
Joey(To himself.) I am on FIRE!
Chandler(Stands up and walks to Joey.) Listen, this is really nice. Do (sees his chequebook.) Did you write a cheque to Monica for two thousand dollars? Did Monica borrow money from you?
JoeyEr...Kind of.
ChandlerI can't believe her! Did she tell you we were having money problems?
JoeyOh no no no no no...It wasn't...It wasn't because of your money problems...It was for something...for her.
JoeySomething personal.
ChandlerWhat would she get for herself for two thousand dollars that she wouldn't tell me about?
(Woman with huge breasts cuts across them. Takes Joey's coffee.)
Woman'Scuse me.
JoeyBoob job.
ChandlerWhat? That's ridiculous, she doesn't need a boob job! Why wouldn't she tell me about it?
JoeyUh... she was afraid that you woudln't be supportive.
ChandlerI'm not.
JoeyYeah, well, she knows you well. Yeah, now look, you can't tell her that you know, I swore I woudln't tell ya.
ChandlerOh, Boob job? She doens't need that, this is crazy!
JoeyWell it's...It's not that crazy. Ok? Making them smaller, that would be crazy. Phoebe's apartment. Phoebe and Mike are packing stuff. PhobeHey, so where do you keep your secret box of porn?
MikeI don't have any porn... Back of the closet in my bedroom. Oh hey, I-I wanted to ask you about Monica's little "groomy" joke.
PhoebeOh! Alright. Well I think the reason people laughed is becuase it's a play on the word roomie.
MikeNo, I get the joke. Sophisticated as it was. Now, the, the thing I wanna say is...uh, maybe we should 've talked about this before. Us living together. You're not expecting a proposal, right?
PhoebeOh no! No! Not at all. We're just moving in, right now. See where it goes.
MikeYeah well...that's the thing. For me it' far as it can ever go.
PhoebeWhat'd you mean?
MikeLook. Phoebe...I...I love you. Very much. But I never wanna get married again.
PhoebeOh. Wow.
MikeNow, it's just, my first marriage know... such a disaster that I kind of lost faith in the whole idea.
PhoebeHmm. Was it really that bad?
MikeAt one point near the end she deliberately defecated on.
PhoebeOk, well that's bad, yeah. But don't you think it might be different with someone else? Perhaps, a blonde who always uses a toilet. Except for once in the ocean.
MikeLook it's, it's not about who I would marry. And I was certain the first time I got married it would last forever. And I was totally wrong!
PhoebeBut it's just-
MikeLook Phoebe...It's, it's not about you. I just never wanna get married again.
MikeI'm sorry. Are you ok with that? Because if not...maybe us moving in together isn't the best idea.
PhoebeNo! Oh, I definitely don't wanna get married. Now I just wanted to make sure you didn't want to, too. Whew! 'cause you know when we move in...and you start changing your mind...there's gonna be hell to pay mister!
MikeTrust me, I will never.
PhoebeYeah I get that, yeah. Joey's apartment. Rachel is flipping through magazines. Handyman is installing things. Monica enters. RachelHi!
MonicaHi! So you gave in and decided to call someone?
RachelYeah...I don't know who I was kidding. I can barely use chopsticks.
HandymanYou're all set.
RachelOh thank you so much. Oh oh wait! You uh forgot your erm...Your game.
HandymanThank you.
MonicaRach, Is this my sweater?
MonicaWhat happened to the sleeve?
(Chandler enters.)
ChandlerHey Rach! There she is...My perfectly proportioned wife.
RachelDon't look at me, I never get his jokes.
MonicaThank you?
ChandlerNo no, don't thank me. Thank you. Do you know there's not one thing that I would change about you? Not one single thing! And definitely not...two...single things.
MonicaOk, you're being weird. Do you want sex or did you do something bad?
ChandlerNo no no! I just love the way you look... I am warm...for your form.
MonicaOk, um, you know the old classics, like, you know, "You look nice"? They're still ok.
ChandlerWell yes yes, but you look nice can mean that I'm saying that your face looks nice. I want to compliment your BODY. I mean...I wouldn't change it...At all. And more specifically, I wouldn't want anything to get any bigger.
ChandlerI mean...You wouldn't want any part of me to get any bigger would you? Don't answer that.
(He leaves.)
RachelJust when you thought that dude couldn't get any weirder.
MonicaI know, why do you think he was so worried about me getting bigger?
RachelI don't know! I mean...what brought that on?
MonicaOh my God. Oh my God, you know we're trying to get pregnant so he's probably starting to freak out about the fact that my body is gonna change. really think that's what it is?
MonicaYou heard him! "No bigger!" "You're perfect!" "Just don't get any bigger!" Oh my God he sounded just like my high school wrestling coach. You know what? I'm gonna have to talk to Chandler.
RachelYeah! If you don't I will! Of course your body's gonna change. Your breasts are gonna get bigger...Your ass is gonna get bigger...You're gonna lose bladder control. (she starts sobbing.) God! It's just such a magical time! Ross's apartment. Phoebe is at the door. PhoebeHi.
PhoebeListen, I wanted to ask you something about marriage.
RossOh great now you're seeking me out to make jokes? I mean I can see for all hanging out but to come to my home!
PhoebeNo, I really wanted to know how you feel about it.
PhoebeMike doesn't ever wanna get married.
RossWow, are you-you still gonna move in with him?
PhoebeOh I want to, but, I just want you to tell me that marriage really isn't that big a deal. You know, that I won't, I won't be missing out on anything. That marriage stinks!
RossYeah...marriage...stinks! I mean if you wanna see a man gain weight and a woman stop shaving? Get 'em married.
PhoebeThat's not how you really feel, is it?
RossNo, I'm sorry. Look I-I know it's not what you wanna hear right now but I can't help it. I-I love marriage.
PhoebeSeriously? You divorce-o?
RossIf you have to call me a name, I prefer Ross the Divorcer. It's just cooler. Look, look, I know my marriages didn't exactly work out. But, you know, I-I love to be that committed to another person. And Carol and I had some good times before she became a lesbian! And once afterward. Anyway, I-I'm sorry.
PhoebeUh, it's ok, that's how you feel.
RossBut, come on! I mean living together will be great! I mean you guys have so much fun...and you love Mike.
PhoebeI do love Mike.
RossYeah, see? And you are so excited about moving in together before... and you know? You should be. It's a big deal!
PhoebeYeah I guess you're right. Yeah, thanks. This helped. Thanks.
RossThe Divorcer, to the rescue!
PhoebeIt's not cooler.
RossYeah I just heard it. Joey's apartment. Joey enters carrying a tub of ice cream. He sets it on the table, takes off his jacket and struggles with the drawer. It cannot be opened. JoeyRach?!
(He walks over to the fridge to put it in, but it cannot be opened either.)
(he walks to the bathroom and tries to lift the toilet seat cover. It won't come up.)
(Goes over to the washbasin, thinks for while, and then leaves.) Chandler and Monica's apartment. Chandler enters. Rachel and Monica are seated at the table. RachelUnbelievable. Chandler wants you to have a baby, and yet he doesn't want your body to get any bigger. I mean, it's not like he's so perfect.
MonicaHey, that's my husband.
RachelAll right, let's solve one problem a time.
(Chandler comes in.)
ChandlerHey Rach! Ah...Perfection. (kisses Monica.) Wouldn't change a thing. Not a thing.
MonicaAbout that? Erm...I'm going to change.
ChandlerBut honey, you, you don't have to.
MonicaI'm gonna get bigger!
ChandlerHoney I...I love your breasts the way they are!
RachelArgh. Fascist.
MonicaWell, my breasts are gonna get bigger whether you like it or not! And-and you know what? It's not just my breasts. My ass is gonna get bigger too.
ChandlerYOUR ASS?!
RachelMan, don't be surprised if her hands and her feet get bigger too!
ChandlerThey...DO that?
MonicaIt's kind of a package deal!
ChandlerGod, why, why would you wanna do that to yourself!?
MonicaI thought I was something that we both wanted!
ChandlerAlright look, if it means that much to you, I may be able to get on aboard with the big boobs. But the giant ass and the big clown feet?
RachelOh my god Chandler! If you can't handle this, what are you gonna be like in the hospital? With the blood and the screaming and the little present that's shooting out of her!?
ChandlerWhat? Joey's apartment. He's prying open the drawer with a crowbar to no avail. Monica, Rachel and Chandler enter. RachelJoey! Why did you tell Chandler that Monica was getting a boob job?
JoeyBecause she is!
MonicaJoey, Chandler knows I borrowed the money.
JoeyMmmm hmm! For your boob job!
Monica, Rachel, ChandlerJoe! Stop it. It's over.
JoeyOK so I'm out four thousand dollars and nobody's boobs are getting any bigger? Phoebe's apartment. Ross is helping with the packing, Phoebe and Mike are also there. RossHey! Hey, what'd you guys think about this. Ross. The Divorce-Force.
MikeVery cool.
RossHey Pheebs...You know I'm-I'm really glad you came to talk to me the other day and I hope I was a little helpful.
PhoebeOh yeah you were helpful! Yeah, no, thanks you.
RossGood, good. Yeah 'cause the more I thought about it, the more I realized I don't think marriage is necessarily the right path for you.
PhoebeWhat'd you mean?
RossWell, I know the other day in the coffee house you were all caught up in the whole soccer mom thing? that really you? I mean can you honestly picture yourself in a Volvo?
PhoebeThey are awfully boxy.
RossYou know, look, people like me like stability and security, you don't. And that's what so incredible about you. You know? You got this wild... and crazy life, I mean, I don't'd be so bored with marriage. I mean it's so...normal.
PhoebeUh huh, yeah.
(Chandler, Monica, Joey and Rachel are carrying a couch through the door.)
RossHey hey, can I help?
ChandlerWell! We er...climbed up four flights of stairs, maneuvered a narrow hallway, dodged a rabid pit bull...but these last three feet're where it gets REALLY tricky.
RossYou know, sometimes your words, they hurt.
JoeyHey, eh...where'd you guys want this?
RachelYeah, seriously. 'Cause this is really heavy. (She suddenly lets go.) I mean not for me because I'm only pretending to hold it, but for these guys.
PhoebeJust one-one last time erm...the marriage thing, there's no wiggle room? None at all?
MikeNo, but... you don't wanna get married either right?
PhoebeRight. Except that I do wanna get married.
Joey(voice strained.) Couldn't have this conversation down at the truck huh?
MikeWhat? You wanna get married?
PhoebeI haven't exactly had a normal life and-and I never really felt like I was missing out on anything but, it just, it feels that now it's my turn to have some of the regular stuff.
MikeIf you wanna get married why didn't you say something before?
PhoebeBecause I just didn't know how much I wanted it. And-and I love you, and I wanted to live with you.
MikeYeah I wanna live with you too! I mean, let's do that!
PhoebeBut I don't I don't think I can! it was it was ok to move in when I didn't know what was gonna happen, but I-I can't move in knowing that nothing is ever gonna happen.
MonicaI said to bring the cushions up first, but no.
MikeCan we at least try living together? I mean you might you might change your mind about marriage.
PhoebeAre you gonna change yours?
PhoebeMe neither. Um, I think I need to be with someone who wants what I want.
MikeBut I don't want this to end.
PhoebeNo, I don't want it to end either.
MikeI can't believe this is gonna end. I guess I'll have my stuff picked up.
PhoebeYeah... Ok., uh (They embrace.) Goodbye.
EveryoneBye-bye Mike! See you Mike. Bye-bye now.
RachelI'm so sorry Pheebs.
MonicaWe're all sorry.(They hug.)
ChandlerAh, look on the bright side, I mean, at least you won't have to live with this ugly chair! That was here already huh? I love you.(they hug again.) Joey's apartment. Joey is struggling with the fridge. He finally gets it open. JoeyAH HAH! I DID IT! HA HA! Alright.(He takes a box out, about to close fridge, then thinks.) Better take all I can carry...Who knows when I'll be able to get in here again huh?!

Transcribed by r3v3LaT1oN with corrections and additional information by Keith Owen; Annotated by ncp