Ross' apartment, Chandler and Joey enter. ChandlerHey! You ready to go?
RossOh yeah, let me just finish this.
JoeyHey, Ross, check this out! (he tries to spin a basketball on his fingertip but he throws it against a table) yeah, I can't do that!
ChandlerWhat're you doing?
RossHey, have you seen this? It's a new alumni website for college! It's cool! You-you can post messages for people, let everyone know what you're up to.
ChandlerOh, great, a faster way to tell people that I'm unemployed and childless.
RossIt's-it's actually kinda interesting to find out what people are doing... uh remember Andrea Rich?
ChandlerThat tall girl that wouldn't sleep with you?
RossUh-huh, uh-huh... well, her Internet company went under and she lost an ear in a boating accident...
ChandlerBet she'd sleep with you now.
RossNah, I already e-mailed her.
ChandlerLet me see what you wrote about yourself, "Doctor of Paleontology, two kids..." (pause) Wait a second, you split with Carol because you have different interests? I think you split with Carol because you've one very similar interest.
RossYou know what? I'm gonna finish this later, ok? Let me just grab my coat.
JoeyOk! (he throws the basketball against a table again)
Ross(he picks up the ball) What, did you think you learned how to do it in the last two minutes?! (he enters another room)
ChandlerMaybe we finish this for him! (he sits down on the sofa and he start typing on Ross' computer) "Also I cloned a dinosaur in my lab. She's now my girlfriend. I don't care what society says. It's the best sex I've ever had"... aaand SEND!
Joey(he stops Chandler from posting the message) No, no, no... what do... you can't do that to him!
Ross(he comes back) Alright, let's go!
JoeyDude! (he opens his arms to receive the ball from Ross' hands)
RossUh, I think you made it clear you can't be trusted with the ball inside the house!
Joey(after Ross leaves the room) aaand SEND! (he hits the send button) Joey and Rachel's apartment. RachelHey! How was basketball?
JoeyOh, it was a lot of fun, yeah, right up until Chandler got a finger in the eye!
RachelOh, no! Who did that?
JoeyChandler. Hey... (he goes towards his room but he stops near Emma's cot) Uh Rach, what's Hugsy doing in the crib with Emma? (he looks puzzled)
RachelOh, she was just crawling around and she found him, so I just let her sleep with him. That's all right? Isn't it?
Joey(still very puzzled) Oh, of course... yeah... it's a, stuffed animal... you know... it's for kids... not for adults... I know that!
RachelJoey... are you-you sure? I mean, I know how much you love him!
JoeyRachel, let's be clear on this, ok? I did not love Hugsy. I like him a normal amount.
RachelAll right... Oh, Emma loves him!
JoeyYeah, why-why wouldn't she? He's a wonderful person! Central Perk. PhoebeHi.
MonicaOh hey Phoebe... how you doing? You feeling better?
PhoebeBreaking up sucks! Oh, I really miss Mike!
ChandlerOh, I'm so sorry!
PhoebeOh God, I've tried everything to make myself feel better. I even tried writing a song about it... but... I can't think of anything that rhymes with AARRGGHH!!
MonicaGod, I so know how you feel. Aw, breaking up with Richard was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. (Spotting Chanler stares at her) All right fine, I'll put another dollar in the Richard jar.
PhoebeHey Monica, I'm gonna need your help getting through this.
ChandlerYou're not gonna need my help?
PhoebeWell no, when I get to the point where... you know... I'm ready to hear cruel mocking jokes about Mike... I'm gonna come to you.
ChandlerOk, 'cause I've already thought of 3... 4! I've just thought of a fourth (he goes towards the counter)
PhoebeOk. I mean I know I did the right thing. You know, Mike never wants to get married and I shouldn't be in a relationship that has no future... but... pretty soon I'm gonna miss him so much. I'm gonna wanna see him again and you have to stop me from doing that.
MonicaOk, you got it.
Phoebe(after a pause) Unless... Maybe it's too crazy about this... Alright so... you know, there is no future... but that doesn't mean we still can't have fun. You know what? Forget what I said.
MonicaReally? Alright, that's what you want.
PhoebeThat was a test and you just failed.
MonicaDamn it! Rookie mistake!
(Ross enters and he's really angry. He goes towards Chandler who's sitting at the counter)
Ross(yelling at Chandler) I have sex with dinosaurs?!
ChandlerI believe I read that somewhere!
RossNot only it is not funny, it's' physically impossible! Ok? Depending on the species I'd have to have a six foot long... (pause) It's not funny!
ChandlerI respectfully disagree.
RossI can't believe you put that on my alumni page!
ChandlerWho cares? Nobody reads those things.
RossHuh? You'd better hope not because I just read what you put on your page today.
ChandlerI don't have a page.
RossOh oh oh! I RESPECTFULLY DISAGREE! Joey's room. Joey is sleeping. JoeyHuggsy? Huggsy? (Wakes up) I want my penguin.
[Rachel's room. Rachel and Emma are sleeping; Joey sneaks in and approaches the crib.]
Joey(in his mind) Look at you, all sweet and innocent, sleeping like an angel... with Emma's chubby little hands wrapped around ya. (he picks up Hugsy) It's ok, Emma, you stay asleep. (Emma cries)
Rachel(threatening Joey with a scrunchy) Step away from the crib, I have a weapon!
JoeyIt's ok, it's ok Rach, it's me. Put down the scrunchy.
RachelWhat're you doing?
JoeyWell, I heard Emma stirring, so, so I came in to make sure she could reach Hugsy.
RachelOh, oh thanks. Alright well, now that I'm up I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Joey(placing Hugsy back in the crib) Ok, there you go sweetie... (to Emma) This isn't over! Monica and Chandler's. Chandler is looking at the screen of his laptop, shaking his head. MonicaAlright, wait a second, why would Ross tell everyone in your class that you are as... (reads from the screen) "gay as the day is long"?
ChandlerBecause I told everyone he slept with dinosaurs.
MonicaBut it's clearly a joke. This could easily be true. (Phone rings)
ChandlerWould you get that please? People've been calling to congratulate me all day.
Monica(On the phone) Hello? No, he's not here. Yeah, this is his wife. Yeah, well, it came as quite a shock to me too. Well I guess I should've known. Yeah, I mean, he just kept making me watch Moulin Rouge.
ChandlerHang up, hang up. And that was a great movie! (Monica hangs up) I'm so gonna get back at Ross... oh yeah, this will show him, here we go (starts typing something).
MonicaWhat're you doing?
ChandlerOh, you'll see my friend.
[Time lapse, still Chandler and Monica's, but only Chandler is there. Enters Ross]
Ross(visibly upset) I'm dead?
Chandler(faking sympathy) And so young.
RossPosting that I died? That really isn't funny.
ChandlerWell, how you died was funny.
RossOh please, hit by a blimp?
ChandlerIt kills over one Americans every year.
RossUnbelievable, my classmates are gonna think I'm dead, my professors, my... my parents are gonna get phone calls. You're messing with people's feelings here.
ChandlerYou wanna talk about people's feelings? You should've heard how hurt professor Stern was yesterday when I told him I wouldn't be able to go with him to Key West!
RossYou've really crossed the line here, but that's ok, it's ok 'cause I'm on my way to buy some Photoshop software and a stack of gay porn. That's right! Your coming out is about to get real graphic! Phoebe's apartment. PhoebeOh, God, I wish Mike were here.
MonicaOk, if Mike were here what would the two of you be doing?
(Phoebe gives her a meaningful look)
MonicaWhat're you, animals? It's 4 o'clock in the afternoon!
PhoebeI gotta call him. Just-just to talk to him, there's no harm in that.
MonicaPhoebe, that's how it starts. I don't need to eat the cake, I'll just smell the icing... why don't I just eat a little sliver, or, ok, just a-a slice or two. And-and next thing you know, you're 210 pounds and you get wedged in going down the tunnel slide.
PhoebeThat's not true, is it?
MonicaThey had to cut me out with the jaws of life. Look, Phoebe, honey, I know this is hard. But look, if you talk to him, then you're gonna wanna see him. And if you see him, you're gonna wanna get back together with him. I know that's not what you want. (pause) All right, so give me your phone.
MonicaAnd now your cell.
PhoebeOk (she takes a huge, clearly obsolete cellphone she keeps in a closet and gives it to Monica) Here you go.
MonicaThis is your cellphone?
MonicaThis is your current cellphone?
PhoebeYes, it reminds me of a simpler time.
MonicaPhoebe, where's your purse?
(They run for Phoebe's purse, Phoebe gets there first and takes the cell. Monica tries to take it away from her)
MonicaNo, no! Give it to me!
PhoebeYou can't have it.
MonicaGive it to me!
PhoebeNo (tucks it in her pants)
MonicaI'll go in there.
Phoebe(disbelievingly) Oh yeah.
MonicaPhoebe come here.
MonicaGive it to me!
(They fight a little, the phone falls and Monica picks it up)
PhoebeDamn you Monica Geller hyphen Bing!
MonicaDon't, even, think, sneaking out and use a pay phone. Because I am everywhere, baby! Joey and Rachel's. Enters Joey. JoeyHey, look who's here! It's Joey, and he brought home a friend.
RachelJoey, Emma's right here! You promised not to bring girls home in the middle of the day anymore.
JoeyNo-no-no-no, it's not a girl, it's... a brand new Hugsy!
RachelOhh... that's so great, now Emma has two Hugsies.
JoeyNo, no, no, no-no, Emma has one Hugsy, the new Hugsy, huh? The other Hugsy, I don't know, I guess I'll just take it back.
RachelOh you know what? When I was a little girl, I had a little pink pony named Cotton. Oh, I loved her so much, I took her everywhere, I would braid her tail-
JoeyMake the transfer! (She does so)
RachelNow, should I be concerned that a button fell off the old Hugsy and I can't find it?
JoeyOh, no, don't worry about that, I swallowed that years ago.
(Emma cries)
RachelOh what? I don't think she likes the new Hugsy.
JoeyBut he's the same.
RachelYeah, well I think she wants the old one back.
JoeyBut he's the same.
RachelJoey, come on!
JoeyBut he's the same!
(They exchange Hugsies).
Joey(to the new Hugsy) You're not the same! Phoebe's apartment. Enters Monica. MonicaAh-ha!
PhoebeYou know, it's a lot less surprising to do that after I've buzzed you into the building.
MonicaSo Phoebe, why are there men's shoes by the door.
PhoebeThose are my shoes.
MonicaOh, when you get over this breakup we need to go shopping.
PhoebeLook, Monica, I really appreciate you checking in on me, but I'm actually feeling a lot better. Yeah, I kinda, I just kinda wanna be alone right now.
(Someone knocks on the door)
MonicaWho's that? (goes to open door)
PhoebeI ordered Chinese food.
(Monica opens the door and Mike is standing at the doorway)
PhoebeWhat're the chances? 1 billion Chinese people and they send Mike?
Monica(To Mike) What're you doing here?
MikePhoebe called me.
PhoebeI'm sorry, I broke down, I wanted to see him.
MonicaNot on my watch! Damn it Phoebe! How-how did you even call him?
PhoebeThere is a speakerphone on the base unit.
MonicaBase Unit! Think, Monica! Think!
MikeCan I come in?
MonicaNo! No, Phoebe, isn't seeing Mike exactly what you want me to stop you from doing?
MikeLook, Phoebe wants to see me, and I wanna see her-
Monica(to Mike) This doesn't concern you.
MikeOh! Sorry, I guess I was thrown off by the mention of my name!
MonicaLook, guys, you can't do this, it's just gonna make getting over each other that much harder.
PhoebeNot if nothing happens. Why can't, why can't we just hang out as friends?
MonicaWell sure! If you're just gonna hang out as friends, then-then maybe I'll join ya. You know, I'm your friend (to Phoebe) and Mike's friend (Mike is sceptical).
PhoebeSit down.
(Phoebe and Mike sit next to each other)
MonicaOh wow wow wow wow wow! Make room for your friend! (sits herself down between them)
Mike(to Phoebe) So how've you been?
MonicaI've been pretty good.
Mike(to Phoebe) You look really beautiful.
PhoebeThanks, you look good too.
MonicaOh no no no no, this is dangerous territory. Keep it clean!
PhoebeSo how's the piano playing going?
MikeActually I've been playing a lot of love songs lately. I've missed you.
PhoebeI've missed you too.
MonicaYou know, on the way over here, I saw this drunk guy throw up. And then a pigeon ate it! Ross's Apartment. Ross is doing something on his laptop when Chandler walks in. ChandlerHey, Ross, look, I just wanted to apologize... (looks at laptop screen) don't tell me you actually made those gay pictures of me?
RossUh-huh uh-huh, check this out. (Chandler sits down and looks at laptop screen)
ChandlerHuh! So, that's what I would look like if I worked out... and was being serviced by a policeman. You're not actually gonna send these out are ya?
RossEh..actually no, I don't need to, because your little "Ross is dead" joke didn't work, ok, there were no responses. Nobody posted anything on the website, nobody called my parents, so the joke, my friend, is on you. Nobody called, nobody wrote anything, nobody cares that I'm dead. (silence) Oh my God! Nobody cares that I'm dead?!
ChandlerNo, come on, you know that's not true.
RossWhat're you talking about? You get sixty responses just for coming out of the closet! I didn't get one response! And I'm dead!
ChandlerWell, the gay community is a lot more vocal than the dead community.
RossI can't believe this. Not even my geology lab partner? And I carried that guy! (gets up from his sofa)
ChandlerAlright look, let's think about this, ok, do you really think that people are gonna stir up your family at this tragic time? That people are gonna post condolences on a website? This is not about people not caring that you're dead.This is about people not having a decent outlet for their grief.
RossYou're right. There isn't a decent outlet.
ChandlerRight, I mean, come on, I'm sure if you had a funeral or a memorial service, tons of people would come.
RossExactly! (sits back down at his laptop and starts typing)
ChandlerRoss, what're you, what're you, what're you doing? (looks at laptop screen) You're having a memorial service for yourself?!
RossNo! That would be stupid! You're having it for me!
ChandlerRoss, don't press send, don't press send... !
RossOh, too late, too late! It's sent... Oh, sorry, so is the picture of you and the policeman.
ChandlerThat's all right. I'm tan, limber... And it looks like I talked my way out of that ticket. Joey's room. Joey is sitting on his bed reading DooL transcript when Rachel walks in. Joey(In his head) The surgery was not a success, (to Hugsy) and then you say "What're we gonna do, Drake?" (Holds Hugsy tight)
(Rachel knocks on the door.)
JoeyUh... (Quickly hides Hugsy under the covers) Come in.
RachelI'm trying to put Emma down for a nap, have you seen Hugsy?
JoeyOriginal or crappy?
JoeyNo, sorry, haven't seen him.
RachelThen what's that big lump under your covers?
JoeyIt's Monica, ok?
RachelThat's not Monica!
JoeyAlright! Fine! It's original Hugsy! You know, I know Emma wants him but he's mine and I need him... she's been unreasonable.
RachelOh God. (yelling) Joey, there is a reason that Emma loves that stupid penguin so much (Joey covers Hugsy's ears) Oh don't cover its ears! (stops yelling) It's because it reminds her of her uncle Joey!
JoeyIt does?
RachelYeah! And I think she really likes him because you know what he smells like you, and she, she loves that. Go figure. You know? And I think she's comforted by him because she loves her uncle Joey so much.
JoeyReally? She... she loves me?
RachelOh, yeah! But you know what? If you need Hugsy, don't worry. Emma will totally understand. I won't... but whatever (She leaves the room).
JoeyOk, wait wait wait wait a minute, wait a minute, Rach, I mean if, if... . If Hugsy means that much to Emma then... well she can have him.
RachelOooh... oh sweet, I knew uncle Joey would step up. (Turns to face Emma in the the playpen) Look Emma, look who's baaack!
JoeyForget it, forget it... I can't do it.
RachelAre you gonna... you're gonna take Hugsy away from a little child?
JoeyHow do you think I got him in the first place? Phoebe's apartment. Phoebe, Monica and Mike sitting on the couch. (Monica is getting up from the couch) MonicaI mean, and then it just gobbled up that puke. I mean, tha was one gross pigeon. PhoebeOh man, why didn't I ask Joey to keep us apart? You throw a meatball in the hallway, we'd be doing it like rabbits right now.
MonicaAlright you two, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Now I don't want anything going on while I'm gone. Here's a few things you can discuss: mucus, fungus and the idea of me and Ross doing it.
MikeI've missed you so much! No, I'm not gonna ask you to get back together because I know we want different things, but, just to be with you one more night.
PhoebeI know, I want that too, but is that gonna make it too hard?
MikeIt can't be any harder than this... I mean, If I'd known the last time I saw you would be the last time, I... I would've stopped to memorize your face, the way you moved, everything about you. If I'd known the last time I kissed you would've been the last time... I never would've stopped.
Monica(running back into the room) Kiss him, you fool!
MonicaDidn't you hear that speech? If you don't kiss him then I will!
PhoebeOh, I missed you so much! (she kisses Mike)
Strange man(he bounds into the house) I knew you'd be here!
MikeOh, crap!
PhoebeWho-who is this?
MikeMy friend Manny. I asked him to keep me away from you.
MonicaHi, that's what I'm doing for Phoebe!
MannyWell, you are not doing a very good job!
MonicaExcuse me?
MannyWhat's with the kissing?
MonicaHey, at least I knew where my guy was.
MannyOh yeah, yeah, thank God you were here to oversee all the kissing!
MonicaYou didn't hear the speech!
MannyI've heard the speech: (in a mocking voice) "if he knew it was gonna be the last time he saw her..."
MonicaHey, it was very moving! You're just heartless!
MannyYou're weak!
MonicaYou're... weird!
MannyYour pants are undone!
MonicaOh! (realizes her pants are undone and zips them up)
Manny(looking at the sofa) Where'd they go?
MonicaUh, damn it!
MannyOh we blew it. I blame myself.
MonicaAnd I blame you too. Monica and Chandler's apartment. RossIt's been an hour and not one of my classmates has shown up! I tell you, when I actually die some people are gonna get seriously haunted!
(Someone knocks on the door)
ChandlerThere you go! Someone came!
RossOk, ok! I'm-I'm gonna go hide! Oh, this is so exciting, my first mourner! (he hides in the bedroom and closes the door)
(Chandler and Monica go open the door)
MonicaHi, glad you could come.
Chandler(in a mournful voice) Please come in.
TomHi, you're Chandler Bing, right? I'm Tom Gordon, I-I was in your class.
ChandlerOh yes, yes... let me... take your coat.
TomThanks... uh... I'm-I'm so sorry about Ross, it's...
ChandlerAt least he died doing what he loved... watching blimps (he goes in the bedroom)
RossWho is he?
ChandlerSome guy, Tom Gordon.
RossI don't remember him, but then again I touched so many lives. (they press their ears against the door)
MonicaSo, did you know Ross well?
TomOh, actually I barely knew him. Yeah, I came because I heard Chandler's news. you know if he's seeing anyone?
Monica(a bit surprised) Yes, he is. Me.
TomWhat? You... You... Oh! Oh, can I ask you a personal question? How-how do you shave your beard so close?
Chandler(entering, very upset) Ok Tommy, that's enough mourning for you! Here we go, bye-bye! (he shoves him out the door)
TomAll right, all right (before leaving) Hey, listen. Call me.
ChandlerOk! (shuts the door behind Tom)
Ross(coming in) I'm dead and no one cares?
MonicaI look like a man?
ChandlerPlease, one ridiculous problem at a time!
RossThis isn't ridiculous, look around! No one's here!
ChandlerYou gave them one day's notice, not everyone in our class checks the website everyday and Monica... it's probably the way you stand!
RossYes, you're right. Still, somebody must've seen it... I mean, I went to that school for 4 years, I didn't have an impact on anyone?
ChandlerOh, that's not true. You had an impact on me, I mean, it's 15 years later and we're still best friends. Doesn't that count for something?
Ross(sceptical) Yeah... (Someone knocks on the door) Oh, great. More party boys for Chandler!
ChandlerI'm sure it's somebody for you. Now, go hide. (Ross hides in the bedroom again)
(Chandlers opens the door. A beautiful woman stands at the doorway.)
KoriHi. I'm here for Ross Geller's memorial service.
ChandlerKori? Kori Weston?
ChandlerWow! You look amazing!
KoriAnd you are?
ChandlerChandler, Chandler Bing. And I'm not gay, I'm not gay at all.
MonicaYou are married though.
ChandlerDon't listen to him, he's in a really bad mood! (lets her in)
KoriI can't believe that Ross is gone. It is just so sad.
ChandlerI didn't know Ross and you were so close.
KoriOh we weren't but we had one class together. He was such a great guy and he talked so passionately about science. I always remembered him.
ChandlerI'm sure that would mean a lot to him. And if heaven has a door, I'm sure he's pressing his ear up against it and listening intently.
KoriI thought so many times about calling him and asking him out. I guess I really missed my chance.
Ross(he bounds into the lounge room) But you didn't! I'm still alive!!
ChandlerWho did we bury?
RossKori, I-I know this is a big surprise for you. It's a long story but the things you just said really made my day! I mean, the fact that you are here means more to me than-than if this room were filled with people!
KoriYou sick freak, who does that? I can't believe I had a crush on you! (she leaves and slams the door behind her)
RossDid you hear that? Kori Weston had a crush on me! Ross' apartment. Ross(on the phone) No, mum, I am not dead. No, I know it's not something to kid about. Oh. Anyway, it was just a practical joke between Chandler and me, but it's over, ok? (pause) Actually no, even if I had died, you would not be left childless. (pause) Monica?

Teleplay by Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones; Story by Robert Carlock; Directed by Gary Halvorson; Transcribed by Eleonora, Pheeboh and Vanessa; Annotated by ncp