Joey(entering) Hey! I'm all packed and ready to go!
RossOh, that's right! (to Emma) Daddy and uncle Joey are going on a trip today. We're going to a conference in Barbados, right?
Ross(to Emma) Can you say Barbados?
RossOk, I gotta say. I mean, it means so much to me that you guys are coming all the way over there to-to hear me give my speech! Oh! And I've a surprise, uh... I had to pull some strings but I was able to get everyone passes to the entire conference! That's right! (he gives them their passes) These babies will get you into all the paleontology lectures and seminars.
RachelDo you have anything that would... get us out of them?
ChandlerYeah, Ross, I mean, we're excited to hear the speech but the rest of the time we're gonna wanna do, you know, "island's stuff".
PhoebeI think David would probably wanna hear a few lectures.
RossOh, right, because he's a scientist!
PhoebeNo, no, oh, because, you know, he's been in Minsk for 8 years and if he gets too much direct sunlight, he'll die.
RossOk, we gotta go, yeah? Uh, so, we'll see you guys tomorrow.
JoeyAll right, let's do it! 5 hour flight with Charlie, have a couple of drinks, get under that blanket and do what comes naturally.
RossIt's a blanket Joe, not a cloak of invisibility!
Paradise Hotel lounge in Barbados.
CharlieWow! This place is beautiful!
Ross(very excited) Look at all these paleontologists!
JoeyI know, there are gonna be some pasty folks by the pool tomorrow! (A woman goes towards them)
WomanOh my God, I can't believe you're here!
Joey(to Charlie) I think I've been recognized, this happens all the time!
WomanDoctor Geller, I am such a huge fan!
JoeyThat... never happens.
WomanI've been following your career for years, I-I can't wait for your keynote speech.
RossWow! This is very flattering, uh...
WomanI would love your autograph. (hands him a notepad)
RossUh, uh... Sure! Um... "Dear..." (he takes the notepad)
Ross"Sarah. I dig you", Uh? "Doctor Ross Geller".
SarahOh, thank you so much!
RossSure, oh and Sarah... I'd like to introduce you to my colleague, uh, Professor Wheeler, and uh, and this is Joey Tribbiani.
Sarah(to Joey) Are you a paleontologist?
JoeyNo, God, no! No! No no, Uh, I'm an actor. You'd probably recognize me from a little show called "The Days of Our Lives".
RossDude, it's, it's just "Days of Our Lives"... there's no the.
Joey(thinking he's kidding) Ok, Ross! That was a- yeah. No no, I uh, I play Doctor Drake Ramoray.
SarahI'm sorry, I don't own a TV.
JoeyYou don't own a TV? What's all your furniture pointed at?
SarahWell it was a pleasure to meet you all.
RossYou too, Sarah. Bye.
JoeyGeez, who doesn't own a TV?
CharlieActually, I don't.
RossYeah, and mine broke two months ago, I still haven't gotten a new one.
JoeyWell, didn't you two come to the right convention.
MonicaDavid, can you help me?! I'm trying to explain to Chandler how a plane stays in the air.
DavidOh, certainly. That's a combination of Bernoulli's principle, and Newton's third law of motion.
Monica(to Chandler) See?
ChandlerYeah, that's the same as "it has something to do with wind".
MonicaAlright, I'm gonna go pick up a few things for the trip.
PhoebeOh, I should go, too. Ok, oh, now... tomorrow do you guys wanna share a cab to the airport or should Mike and I just meet you there.
(Everyone looks at her)
PhoebeMike?! Who's Mike?
DavidMike is your-your ex... uh... boyfriend!
PhoebeThat's right! Oh, yeah. Well, I've totally forgotten about him! AH! That's-that's-that's... a blast from the past!
DavidIt's ok. Ho-honest mistake.
PhoebeReally it doesn't mean anything. I mean, you know, Monica refers to Chandler as Richard all the time!
Chandler(upset) She does?
Monica(pinching her) Let's get you out of here! (they go outside)
(Outside the Central Perk)
MonicaWell, at uh least you took me down with you!
PhoebeI'm sooo sorry! I just... I keep thinking about Mike! I'm crazy about David, and we're having so much fun together. Why-why do I miss Mike? That's just, that's gonna go away, right?
MonicaI guess, in time.
MonicaI mean, my-my feelings for Richard are certainly gone.
PhoebeYou just did it again. Chandler, your feelings for Chandler are certainly gone!
Inside Central Perk.
David(to Chandler) Well, Phoebe's still pretty hung up on that Mike, huh?
ChandlerUh I wouldn't read too much into it.
DavidStill you know, a-a girl calls you by her ex-boyfriend's name, that-that-that's not a good thing, right?
ChandlerDavid, let me, let me stop you there 'cause I think I see where this is going. I'm not very good at giving advice. So if you want advice, go to Ross, Monica, or... Joey, if the thing you wanna advice about is pizza toppings or burning sensation when you pee.
DavidSorry, I just... I wish there was something I could do, you know? Well, you know Phoebe-
ChandlerSeriously, we're gonna do this?
DavidI'm sorry, I, I just wish I could make her forget about Mike already, you know... Why-why did Phoebe and Mike uh break up?
ChandlerOh, because his penis was too big. (he notices that David is not amused) Huh! I'm sorry, that's the kinda thing I do. (pause) They-they broke up because Mike didn't wanna get married. Hey, what if you just let Phoebe know you'd be open to marriage?
DavidThat's great! That's, that's great! I'll-I'll propose to her!
DavidWell, I was probably going to do it at some point.
ChandlerNo no, I didn't mean now.
DavidWhy-why not? It's brilliant! (talking to an imaginary Mike) Goodbye Mike, we'll-we'll see you at the wedding, fella! (pause) well, we-we probably won't invite you to the wedding but... (to Chandler) Thank you, Chandler. I sincerely, thank you.
ChandlerWell, you're welcome! Glad I could help.
David(after a while) How do you think I should propose?
ChandlerDavid, I'm pretending to read here!
Joey in his hotel in room in Barbados.
(Trying on a hat and talking to his own reflection in the mirror)
JoeyYeah! How you doing? Yeah alright!
(Charlie comes out the bathroom)
JoeyHey, hey! You said you're gonna wear a thong, where's the thong?
Charlie(laughing) I didn't mean a thong... I meant thongs...
JoeyYou really should've been more clear about that!
(Someone knocks the door, Joey goes to open it and Ross is on the other side)
Ross(Excited) You're never gonna guess who I just saw downstairs!
JoeyOh oh ah ah! Britney Spears!
RossYeah, she never misses these conferences. (then to Charlie) No, I just saw Dr. Kenneth Schwartz!
CharlieOh my God!
CharlieDid you talk to him?
RossYeah... what am I gonna say to Kenneth Schwartz?
JoeyYou could say: "Hey Kenny, how come you're not Britney Spears?" (looks at Ross matter-of-factly)
Ross(to Charlie) You ready to go?
JoeyWhat? You-you're gonna go now? I thought we could hang out.
CharlieOh I can't. I have seminars all day and I promised Ross I'd look at his speech.
CharlieBut maybe we can have dinner later? On the balcony? Will be romantic.
Joey(smiling) Will you wear a thong?
CharlieI will if you will.
JoeyYou got yourself a very weird deal!
Ross(a little embarassed by their conversation) I'm good, I-I have dinner plans (moves away from them).
CharlieSo you're gonna ok?
JoeyYeah, yeah. I got, I got tons of stuff I could do. I'm gonna hit the beach, go swimming...
RossUh, Joe, have you looked outside?
(Ross goes to the window and opens the curtains revealing that it's raining outside)
CharlieThere's an indoor pool, you-you could swim there!
JoeyI wasn't gonna swim, I was gonna dig a hole! (removes a small plastic spade used by children to play on the beach from his backpack)
Back in New York, Monica and Chandler in Central Perk on the couch.
MonicaWow! That Mike thing was interesting! I don't-I don't know what's gonna happen with Phoebe and David.
Chandler(smiling cheekily) I do! Wanna hint? huh? "I do" (Monica looks confused, so Chandler repeats) "I do".
MonicaOk, I'm sensing this is some kind of word play, because you are pink with barely controlled glee.
ChandlerDavid is gonna propose to Phoebe.
MonicaWhat? (looks very shocked) Why?
ChandlerBecause, we were talking about ways that he could beat Mike and I told him that Phoebe wanted to get married.
MonicaChandler, we have talked about this. You are not supposed to give people advice! Now, could-couldn't you've made some sort of inappropriate joke?
ChandlerI did! A penis one! Just so I know, what was so wrong about what I said?
MonicaThey've only been going out for a few weeks! Phoebe is completely hung up on Mike! She'll say "No", David's heart will be broken, it will be too hard for them to recover from and then Phoebe will end up alone again.
ChandlerMan, that's some bad advice!
Barbados, hotel lounge. David, Phoebe and Rachel have just arrived.
(Joey spots them and walks towards them)
JoeyOh! Hey! Thank God you guys are here!
RachelHey! what's-what's going on?
JoeyEverything is upside down here! It rains all day long, and nobody watches TV and Ross is famous!
(Rachel turns around and sees Chandler and Monica arriving)
RachelAlright, I don't wanna alarm anybody, but Monica's hair is twice as big as it was when we landed!
(Monica and Chandler reach the group)
MonicaOk! When I go places with high humidity, it gets a little extra body, ok?!
ChandlerThat's why our honeymoon photos look like me and Diana Ross!
JoeyCome on, I'll show you guys where to check in (Joey, Chandler and David leave)
Monica(to Chandler) Oh, honey, can you make sure we get a King size bed!
Phoebe(shouts after David) Oh! David, get one for us too! Oh, oh, and see if they have a heart-shaped one! And with mirrors on the ceiling!
Monica(shouts to Chandler) And-and make sure our room isn't next to theirs (points to Phoebe).
RachelOoh! You guys're so lucky you're here with people, I'd love to share this with someone.
MonicaOh honey, you have us. We love you.
RachelOk, which one of you is gonna sleep with me? You know it's just such a romantic place. That's all, I just wish I could (looks at Joey who is at the check in desk) share with a guy.
RachelNot Joey, no, I, I was, I was just lusting after Chandler.
[Cut to the guys]
DavidSo, um... I am uh, proposing to Phoebe tonight. (Removes a ring box from his pocket and opens it to show Chandler the ring)
ChandlerTonight?! (looks at the ring) Isn't an engagement ring supposed to have a diamond? (squints at the ring to emphasize how tiny the diamond is) Oh, there it is!
DavidYeah, well um, being a failed scientist doesn't pay quite as well as you might think. That's um... that's one seventieth of a karat. And-and the clarity is um... is quite poor.
Chandler(slaps him on the shoulder) Nice! (goes to Monica)
ChandlerMonica, can I talk to you for a second? (Pulls her away from Phoebe and Rachel)
ChandlerDavid is gonna propose to Phoebe tonight!
MonicaSee what happens when you give people advice? I hope you told him not to?
ChandlerThat would be advice!
MonicaOk fine. I'll handle this. (goes to Phoebe who's talking to Rachel) Phoebe?
Monica(looking very serious) I need to talk to you.
PhoebeAre you leaving The Supremes? (Monica and Phoebe go to one side)
MOnicaOk, my husband just gave your boyfriend some very bad advice. Look, David is gonna propose to you tonight.
PhoebeWow. Really? That's fantastic!
MonicaWhat? Are you serious? Wha-what? You wanna marry him? What-what about Mike?
PhoebeOh, ok, you want me to marry Mike? Alright, well, let's just gag him and handcuff him and force him down the aisle, Ok? I mean I-I can just see it: "Mike, do you take the..." (gestures with her hand as if someone is covering her mouth and tries to shout "No! No!") You know, it's every girl's dream!
MonicaDo you really think that marrying someone else is the right answer?
PhoebeSure! Look, ok, bottom line: I love Mike... David! David. I love David. Don't look at me that way, Roseanne Rosannadanna!
Ross's hotel room. Ross and is reading his keynote speech to Charlie from his laptop.
RossBy using CT scans and computer imaging we can in a very real way, bring the Mesozoic era into the 21st century.
RossYeah, you-you really think so?
CharlieYou're gonna be the hit of the conference.
RossOh. And-and you know what, it will be even better tomorrow, because I won't be constantly interrupted by Joey checking to see if uh, they put chocolates on my pillow yet. (Someone knocks on the door, Ross goes to open and it's Joey, Rachel and Chandler).
RossThe chocolates aren't here yet.
CharlieRoss just read me his speech. It's fantastic!
ChandlerOh, is it on the computer, 'cause I'd love to give it a read?
RossIf you wanna check your email, just ask! (Chandler tries to look offended)
Chandler(offended) What? (pause) May I?
Rachel(looking out the window) What's with the rain, Geller? I mean, when I signed up for Dino Week, nobody said anything about it being monsoon season.
CharlieActually the wet season is June to December.
RachelIt's not the time Charlie.
Chandler(at the laptop) Oh, no no, dear God, no!
JoeyOh what, did someone outbid you for the teapot? (Chandler looks annoyed at him and Joey leans in to him) Secret teapot?
ChandlerYour computer, I don't know what, everything's gone!
RossWha... what'd you mean? (Goes to the laptop)
ChandlerIt must be a virus. I think it erased your hard drive.
RossWhat, oh my God. What-what did you do?
ChandlerSomeone I don't know sent me an e-mail and I opened it.
RossWhy, why would you open it?
ChandlerWell, it didn't say "This is a virus"!
RossWhat did it say?
ChandlerNude... (Ross looks at him)... pictures of Anna Kournikova. I'm so sorry.
RossWhat am, what am I gonna do? My speech is gone, Chandler!
ChandlerIt's not gone! I mean, I'm sure you printed out a copy. You have a hard copy, right?
RossNO! I don't!
ChandlerWell, you must be pretty mad at yourself right now.
[Time lapseRoss looks likes he's been trying to fix his computer but just closes it as if giving up.]
JoeyIt's really gone?
RossYep! I'd like to thank you guys for coming down here to complain about the rain and ruin my career!
ChandlerI just feel awful.
RossYeah, you should! Nude pictures of Anna Kournikova? I mean, she-she's never even won a major tournament!
ChandlerWell, I tried Billy Jean King, but... (Ross glares at him) you know, you and Monica have the same "I'm gonna kill you" look... I can usually make it go away by kissing her... (Ross continues to glare at him and Chandler leans in as if he's going to kiss Ross)
RossGet out. (Chandler runs out)
RachelYou know, this happens all the time to my computer at work.
RossWell, what do you do?
RachelWell, I usually go... play Tetris on somebody else's computer.
RossI can't believe this. I can't believe this is happening. I-I've to give the keynote speech tomorrow! Ok? I-I've to stand up in front of all these people. What am I gonna say?
JoeyI could teach you a speech that I memorized for auditions.
RossI don't think that your monologue from Star Wars is gonna help me right now, Joe!
CharlieRoss, we can solve this. I-I just heard your speech. We can recreate it! We got all night!
RossWha... you-you really think we can do that?
CharlieOh wait, Joey and I are supposed to have dinner (Looks at Joey).
JoeyOh, hey, don't worry about that! I mean, Ross needs you! You know, an-and Rachel and I will stay and help anyway we can.
RossAlright, ok, let's do it. (Ross sits down at the desk and they all gather around him) Um, well I-I know we start by discussing the shortcomings of carbon dating. Um, and then, then I move on to what is clearly the defining moment of the Mesozoic era, the breakup of Pangea, hello! (Rachel and Joey look confused) Um, and then, there's the... eh... there's the overview of the Triassic.
JoeyOh, oh! Any chance any of this happened in a "Galaxy far, far away"? (Ross turns aroud and glares at him. Joey and Rachel decide to leave).
Mike's apartment. His phone rings and he picks up.
MonicaOk, Mike, enough is enough, now, you love Phoebe and she loves you, so you need to get over your whole "I never wanna get married" thing and step up!
MikeWho is this?
MonicaIt's Monica! I'm Phoebe's friend.
MikeSure, Monica. So good to have you back in my life.
MonicaListen, Phoebe is back with David, and he's gonna propose to her, and she is gonna say "yes" but I know she really wants to be with you!
Mike(sounds shocked and sits down) He's... he's gonna propose?
MonicaI-I'm sorry, did you say something? I-I, I can't hear through all this damned hair! (Tries to move her huge hair away from the phone, in vain)
MikeLook, if Phoebe wants to marry David, she should, I'm not gonna stand in the way of that, neither should you.
MonicaYou don't tell me what to do! I tell you what to do! Just call her. She's at the Paradise Hotel in Barbados. And while I've got you, you've got curly hair. What do you do in the humidity? (Mike hangs up the phone) Damn it!
(Chandler walks in)
Monica(sarcastically) Well, I hope you're happy!
Chandler(pretending not to sense the tone) Oooh! I hope you're happy too, honey!
MonicaPhoebe is going to say "Yes" to David. See, that's what happens when you meddle in people's lives!
ChandlerPhoebe is gonna say "yes"? That's, that's great!
MonicaNo it's not, bcause she's still in love with Mike!
ChandlerAnd there's not chance that will work?
MonicaNo, I called him. It's not gonna happen.
Chandler(pointing at her) Oooooooh! Meddler! Meddler!
MonicaWell, if you hadn't meddled to start with, then I wouldn't have had to go in there and meddle myself. Now, no matter how much we meddle, we will never be able to un-meddle the thing that you meddled up - in the first place!
ChandlerThis vacation sucks!
The hall, full of paleontologists. Rachel and Joey are walking around.
JoeyI'm so bored! Stupid rain, we... we can't do anything.
RachelWell, I've brought some books. We could read.
JoeyHey hey hey, it hasn't come to that yet.
(A waiter walks by carrying appetizers or something on a tray)
Joey(stopping the waiter) Hey hey hey! Don't mind if I do!
WaiterI'm sorry sir, these are for the pharmaceutical convention (walks away)
JoeyHey Rach, you uh feel like going to a convention?
RachelWe can't. We're not pharmacists!
Joey(walking to a table with many badges on it) Not now, I know we're not, but uh (he picks up a badge) Frank Medeio and... (picks up another badge) Eva Trorro... womba...
Rachel(picking up another random badge) Kate Miller?
JoeyKate Miller it is. (he picks up the Kate Miller badge and sticks it on Rachel's breast)
RachelOk. And... that's the most sex I'm gonna have this weekend.
JoeyVery well. In that case should I make sure it's on real good? (he does so, repeatedly tapping on her breast and stroking it)
RachelThank you. (they walk away to a snack table)
JoeySo, Kate, how's the... uh pharmacy game treating you?
RachelWell, Frank, I tell you, it's rough. I mean, is it me or is doctors' handwriting getting harder and harder to read?
JoeyI know, I know. (Laughs) But I tell ya, but on the plus side, we get to wear those white coats and stand behind that really tall counter.
RachelOh it's true.
JoeyYeah, yeah. (to some guy) Ok, see ya.
(A woman approaches)
WomanYou're Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives.
JoeyFinally, someone recognizes me. Ok. Oh and it's THE Days of Our Lives.
Woman(to Jackie) Jackie, it is him.
JoeyYeah Jackie, it is me, come on over.
JackieOh my God, this is so exciting!
WomanSo, why're you here?
JoeyUh, uh, oh, I'm doing research, yeah, for a role in a new movie of our pharmacists.
RachelYeah, it's called Prescription for Love.
Joey(to Rachel) Nice. (to the woman and Jackie) Oh ah, this is my friend Rachel, she's in the movie too.
Rachel(laughs) I'm an actress.
WomanOh... So, what's the movie about?
JoeyUh, well, I play the handsome, macho pharmacist, right? And Rachel, is my student, who-who wants to learn all about... pharmacing.
RachelUh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, and, see, see, I'm, I'm shy at first, but then, I take off my glasses and I become sexy, you know. And it's-it's, and there's some nudity, but it's very tastefully done.
JoeyMy-my nudity in the film is not tasteful at all.
WomanSo, you're doing research? Do you have any questions for us?
JoeyI sure do. Where'd that guy get the big pink drink?
Ross's room. Charlie is sitting on the bed, while Ross is walking up and down nervously.
CharlieOh, and then, and then you said that thing about, about bringing the Mesozoic era into the 21st century.
RossOh yeah, that's-that's it? That's-that's it! I mean, that's-that's the whole speech!
RossOh my God, we-we did it! (he sits beside her and skims through her notes excitedly)
CharlieActually I did it Ross. You remembered shockingly little of your own speech.
RossYes, but I-I did make a pyramid out of the bath products. This-this is, ah, this is amazing, thank you, thank you so much. (he leans in, and they look at each other for a moment) That's-that's a pretty necklace.
RossHey uh, what'd you say we celebrate? Champagne? (he goes to get the champagne)
CharlieOh, yeah! Hey, save the cork and then we can fill the bottle with water and put it back so they don't charge you.
RossOh my God, I love you.
CharlieOh, this is such a cute picture of Emma. And is this your son... or just some kid whose picture you bring on vacation?
RossActually, yeah that's Ben, my son from my first marriage.
CharlieYour first marriage?
CharlieYou're married more than once?
RossNo. (they clink glasses and drink)
CharlieSo, why'd you break up?
Ross(embarassed) Oh, it was... it's complicated, you know? She... she was... eh... gay. Actually it's not that complicated.
CharlieOh my God, this is so cool!
RossOk, odd thing to get excited about!
CharlieNo, it's just... I was enganged to a guy who turned out to be gay!
RossHey! High-five! (they high-five)
CharlieDidn't you feel so stupid that you didn't see the signs? My fiancé was always going away on these long weekends with his tennis partner.
RossMy wife had-had a workout friend she went to the gym with everyday for a year. She didn't get any fitter.
CharlieRight and then everybody finds out and "Oh, I knew all along."
RossI know! It's like, if you knew, why didn't you tell me, you know? I mean, call, or leave a note: "Hi, I just dropped by to say your wife's gay."
RossAnd then, and then you try to make the best of a bad situation, so you, you float the idea of a threesome?
CharlieI didn't do that.
Ross(embarassed) Me neither.
The Pharmacist convention. Joey and Rachel are walking out of it, drinking cocktails.
JoeyWell, who knew? Pharmacists are fun.
RachelI know, that old lady at the end was ready to take you home.
JoeyNot enough pills in the world, Rach. What about you, huh? You're the single one, see anybody in there you like?
RachelWell, let's see. There was a really big guy that I was talking to, with the really nice breasts.
JoeyBut what about back home, anything going on there? Anybody you like?
Rachel(takes a sip from her drink, embarassed) No.
JoeyThere it is, you're blushing!
RachelNo, I'm not blushing, I'm sunburnt! From, you know, the rain.
JoeyYou like someone. Tell me who it is. Who is it? (tickles her a little)
JoeyTell me who it is.
RachelJoey! (she walks away; Joey goes after her teasing and tickling her)
JoeyCome on who? Who do you like? Tell me. You're not getting away that easy. Who? Who do you like? Who do you like?
RachelJoey, come on! It doesn't matter, you know, it's not like anything's gonna happen.
JoeyWhat? Why not? Rach, who can you, not get?
RachelOh! (pause) Ok. Ok, you really wanna know who it is?
Joey(eagerly) Yeah, who is that?
(Ross and Charlie walk into the hall from Ross's room)
Ross and CharlieHey!
(Joey smiles at them. Rachel looks annoyed)
Charlie(to Joey) I just left you a message! Uh, Ross and I were gonna go grab a bite, but now that you're here, maybe we can go have that dinner.
JoeyRight, of course. Hey, did you guys finish the speech?
RossYeah, yep, we got it, we got it. (To Charlie) Thank you so much.
CharlieI had a great time.
Joey(to Rachel) Alright, hey look, and this isn't over, because I really wanna know who...
CharlieSo, shall we?
JoeyYeah. (they leave)
RachelOk. See you, bye.
(Ross and Rachel watch them walk away and sigh. They look at each other, embarassed.)
Ross and RachelOk, good night!
The restaurant. Chandler and Monica are sitting at a table.
(Phoebe and David walk in)
MonicaI can't believe she's gonna say yes to David. She's clearly in love with Mike.
ChandlerYou know, it's very hard to take you seriously when you look like that.
(David and Phoebe sit down at a table close to Chandler and Monica's)
David(to the Waiter) Could, could we have a bottle of champagne, please? And I'm kind of on a budget, so if you have anything local...or-or-or Canadian. (to Phoebe) Uh, Phoebe, uh, I have uh... some-something I wanna say.
MonicaOh my God, he's gonna do it now. Please, I cannot watch this, let's go.
ChandlerI think we have some time. Have you ever heard him talk? (doing David) "Uh, Phoebe, uh, I would be honored, uh..." Spit it out, David!
DavidUh, Phoebe, uh... (Chandler hits his own head) you're an amazing woman, and the time we spent apart was, was unbearable. Of course the sanitation strikes in Minsk didn't help!
PhoebeSure, ok, yeah.
DavidBut uhm, well, now that we're, together again, I don't ever want to be apart. So, to that end...
(David produces the ring. At the same time, Mike walks in, behind David)
PhoebeOh my God, Mike!
DavidIt's David, actually!
PhoebeNo, Mike's here.
David(turns around) Hi Mike!
MikeHi David. Chandler. Monica... (Looks at Monica, checking her big hair, aghast) Oh!
MonicaIT'S THE HUMIDITY!
PhoebeWhat're you, what're you doing here?
MikeI've a question I need to ask you.
DavidI-I have a question I was kinda gonna ask her myself.
MikeYeah, I-I understand, but be-before you do, she really needs to hear this.
David(annoyed) Ok, would you-would you care for my seat as well?
MikeActually yeah, that'll be great.
DavidOh that's fair, you've had a long trip. (he leaves his seat to Mike, and stands there looking for a chair. He finally goes to Monica and Chandler's table)
MikePhoebe, I love you. I mean, I missed you so much these last few months and I thought we were apart for a good reason, but then I suddenly realized that there was no reason good enough to keep me from spending the rest of my life with you.
DavidKinda stepped on the toes of what I was going to say.
MikeI'm sorry David, but she really has to know this.
DavidAlright, when you are through, I'll-I'll wanna see you outside. If-if it stops raining.
MonicaYou're the most incredible woman I've ever met. How can I lose you? (Phoebe looks very flattered) Now, I don't actually have a ring.
DavidI-I've a ring.
ChandlerI wouldn't brag too much about that thing, big guy.
DavidPhoebe, will you marry me?
Phoebe(smiles at him happily for a few seconds before answering) No.
PhoebeI love you. But I never needed a proposal from you. I just needed to know that we were headed somewhere, you know, that-that we had a future.
MikeWe can have any future you want.
(They hold their hands, gazing at each other)
DavidOk, I'm-I'm gonna take off.
PhoebeDavid, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry.
DavidJust so I know, uh, if-if I had asked first?
PhoebeYeah, I-I, I might've said yes, but that would've been wrong.
DavidPlease, you-you don't have to explain. I mean, perhaps if I hadn't gone to Minsk things would've worked out for us. And I wouldn't 've ruined my career, or lost that toe to frostbite. It was a good trip! (he leaves)
MikeIs it ok if I hug you now?
PhoebeAh yes! (they hug)
Monica(to everybody) BECAUSE OF OUR MEDDLING! Alright?
Monica and Chandler's room. Monica and Chandler are in bed.
ChandlerOh, ain't this nice? It's so quiet, I could just lie here all day.
MonicaI know (she snuggles to him)
(Rachel runs in)
Rachel(walking in hurriedly) Open your drapes! Open your drapes!
ChandlerSo glad we got adjoining rooms!
(Rachel opens the drapes)
MonicaThe sun is out!
ChandlerHey! Remember when I had corneas?
MonicaOk listen, you go down to the pool and reserve the chairs, and I'll get the magazines and the lotion.
ChandlerLadies? Ross's speech is in 45 minutes.
Ross(from across the wall) Walls are pretty thin, guys!
Conference room. Ross is making his keynote speech.
RossThen we have to wait the data from recent MRI scans and DNA testing which call into question information gathered from years of simple carbon dating.
RachelLook at that woman sitting by the pool getting tan... so leathery and wrinkled, I'm so jealous!
RossFinally, factoring the profusion of new species recently discovered: Gigantosaurus, Argentinasaurus...
Chandler(to a paleontologist sitting next to him) Not to mention the cold sores.
(The paleontologist glares at Chandler)
RossAnd that's just the herbivores. I'm not even gonna discuss the carnivores, their heads are already too big. Which is ironic considering their stunted cerebral development.
(All the paleontologists laugh)
Chandler(to the one sitting next to him) Really?
RossBut all kidding aside, in much the same way that Homo ergaster is now thought to be a separate species from Homo erectus...
JoeyHe said "erectus"!
CharlieYou're, you're kidding, right?
JoeyNo, he really said it.
Rossand while there are certainly vast differences between these Mesozoic fossils and the example of Homo erectus-
The hotel conference room.
Ross(concluding his speech)... in a very real way we can bring the Mesozoic era into the 21st century. (pauses) Thank you!
(Everybody stands up and applauds. Ross looks flattered and surprised. His friends and other members of the audience go to congratulate him)
RossOh, thanks guys!
Man with a bow tie(shaking hands with Ross) I thought it was wonderful!
Man with a bow tieJarvis Oberblau, Cornell. (sighs) I mean, the ideas you put forth and-and from someone... so... young... and... (sighs again and smiles at Ross blissfully).
Ross(with a frozen smile on his face, realizing something's wrong with Jarvis) Ok... now... now we're just holding hands! (pulls his hand away)
RachelAll right! Well, uh (to Monica) we're gonna hit the beach?
Rachel(to Ross, in a flattering tone) It was really... great!
RossOh, thank you so much!
JoeyYeah, and so funny!
(Rachel, Joey and Chandler pat him on his shoulders and walk off, together with Monica)
Ross(puzzled) Ok! All right, thanks! Thanks so much, you guys! (to Phoebe) Oh, I can't tell you how much it means to me that you were here!
Mike(popping by, smiling) What, are you kidding, we wouldn't 've missed it!
(Ross is dumbfounded to see Mike instead of David)
MikeOh... I'm back!
Ross(skating over, embarrassed) Ok!... Uh... excuse me? Yeah?
Phoebe & MikeYeah! (they leave)
(Ross goes towards Charlie, who's conversing with a fellow paleontologist, and touches her shoulder to get her attention)
RossHey! (she turns to him) Well? (in expectation)
CharlieYou were incredible!
CharlieYou blew them away!
RossOh, I can't tell you how great it was to look at into the crowd and see your face! I mean... uh, did you know you were (giggles) you were mouthing the words along with me?
Charlie(smiling broadly) I was not!
RossNo, it's ok! Made me feel like, like a rock star!
CharlieOh my God! (pauses) I'm your groupie!
Ross(joking) I'd better not found you naked in my hotel room!
(Ross giggles, but Charlie isn't amused at all.)
Ross(realizing his joke wasn't so good, but still giggling) Look, I took it too far!
RossHi! Hi you guys, I thought, I thought you were going to the beach.
RachelIt's raining again.
RossWh? Would you look at that, The, the only time the sun comes out the whole weekend is the one hour I'm giving my speech. Uh? Someone up there likes me. But people down here are pissed.
The hotel lobby. Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Mike walk in from the outside.
Monica(her hair bigger then before) Oh, I can't believe it's raining again! It's so unfair!
(They approach the buffet, where a couple of paleontologists are sipping their drinks)
PhoebeWell, on the bright side, now you won't have to see all these paleontologists with their shirts off. (Grabs a drink and notices that the two men are upset) Not you guys. You-you got it going on!
(Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Mike walk away, sipping their drinks)
MonicaSo, what're we gonna do today?
MikeThey have a game room downstairs! Ping pong and stuff.
Monica(pleasantly surprised) Ping pong? (to Chandler) Honey, they have ping pong! Let's play!
ChandlerI don't think so!
Monica(disappointed) Why not?
ChandlerBecause you know how competitive you get and well, I say it's cute, others disagree, and I'm lying!
MonicaI'm not always that bad!
ChandlerOh, yeah? What happened when we played last time?
Monica(hesitatingly) I punched you?
MonicaI clunked your heads together!
(Chandler turns to Mike and gives him a "See what I mean?" look)
Joey and Charlie's room.
(Joey is sitting in an armchair and wearing a diving mask. He pulls out a grape from a bunch of fake grapes on the coffee table, puts it on the snorkel breathing tube and blows it out, then giggles to himself)
Charlie(walking in) Hey! There you are!
JoeyHey! (stands up) Listen, as soon as it stops raining we have got to go snorkeling! This uh, some kid told me about the sea turtle and, if you blow bubbles in its face, it chases ya! (smiles ecstatic)
CharlieI'm sorry, I can't! I'm running a discussion group all afternoon.
Joey(disappointed) Oh... well that's-that's ok, I'll-I'll find someone else to do it. I'd do it alone, but uh, I don't, I don't know what happens if the sea turtle catches you.
CharlieYou know... I feel so bad! I haven't seen you this whole trip and (pauses) especially last night-
Joey(interrupting her) Oh hey! Don't worry about it! It was fine! I ended up having the best time with Rachel! I just felt bad for you, stuck in that room, working on Ross's speech. (pulls a face)
CharlieActually, it turned out to be a lot of fun!
Joey(bewildered) Oh! Oh, well! At least we're both having fun! Right?
(There's an awkward moment of silence)
CharlieIs it weird that it's not with each other?
JoeyYeah! A little bit, yeah.
Charlie(sitting down on the bed) I think we need to talk.
JoeyYeah, I think we do. (sighs, with folded arms) About what?
The hotel game room. There is a ping pong table in the middle of the room. Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Mike walk in.
MonicaCome on you guys, it'll be fun!
PhoebeAll right, all right... I'll play if we don't keep score!
MonicaBut then how do we know who wins?
MonicaSo, we're just four losers. Super!
ChandlerI'm not playing with her.
PhoebeYeah, I'm out.
MikeI'll play ya!
PhoebeMike, you don't, you don't know what you're doing!
ChandlerShe gets crazy! This scar, (points to his forehead) is from Pictionary!
(Monica rolls her eyes)
Mike(disbelieving) I think I will be all right! (to Monica) You wanna volley a bit for a serve?
MonicaSure! Got to!
(Monica and Mike start to play ping pong. Mike scores)
MikeOh, by the way... um, I'm awesome.
Chandler(nearly whispering) Oh dear God, there's two of them!
MikeYou're ready to play?
Chandler(to Phoebe) Did you know this about him?
PhoebeNo idea! I-I thought he was soft like you!
MikeYou wanna make it more interesting?
MonicaHow much were you thinking?
MikeTen bucks a game?
MonicaMake it fifty!
MikeI'll make it a hundred!
Monica(nearly shouting) One thousand-
Chandler(interrupting her) OK!
MikeWe'll flip to see who goes first. You got a quarter?
Monica(going through her pockets) No... (to Chandler and Phoebe) Either of you girls got a quarter?
ChandlerHoney, try to focus the trash talk on him!
Phoebe(picks up a coin from her bra) Monica, you call it.
MonicaHeads! No, Tails! He-he-heads!
Monica(angry) Ow, what are the chances!
(They start playing again)
MonicaHa! My point!
MikeOh no! I don't think so! You know, according to standard table tennis rules if at any time a player uses his non racket bearing hand to touch the playing surface he or she forfeits the point.
Phoebe(smiling proudly) He was a lawyer!
Rachel's hotel room. She is watching the Weather Channel on TV.
Alexandra Steele(meteorologist) (pointing to the East Coast)... all these coasts are having beautiful weather. In New York, it's 72 and sunny!
RachelOh! Weather bitch! (turns the TV off)
(Someone knocks on the door)
RachelIt's open! (Joey walks in) Hi, Joe!
Rachel(worried) What, is everything ok?
JoeyUh, Charlie and I broke up.
JoeyUh well, she said we have nothing in common.
Rachel(laughing) Oh, that's crazy!
JoeyNo, it's not, we have nothing in common!
RachelYeah, that's true.
JoeyI mean, she should be with someone more like... Ross! You know what I mean, he uses all those big words too! Man, smart people are dull!
Rachel(pretending to be offended) What, hey!
Joey(laughing sarcastically) Ok, Rach!
(He punches her on her shoulder mockingly, then goes and sits down on her bed)
JoeyI feel so stupid, you know? Why... why do I keep going after the wrong girls?
RachelWh-What're you, what're you talking about?
JoeyOh, come on, I mean, there's you, then there's Charlie, that's like... (sighs) What the hell is my problem? I just, OH! (He falls back on the bed)
RachelOk... uh... maybe you're not always going after the wrong girl.
Joey(sitting up again) I'm telling you, Rach, Charlie is not right for me.
RachelYeah, I'm not talking about her.
JoeyBut then who? The waitress I went out with last month? (gives her a meaningful look)
RachelYou know what? Forget it!
Joey(stands up) No no no no, who, who were you talking about?
RachelNo, I-I-I-I don't, I don't, I actually don't know who I'm talking about! So!
JoeyOk! Uh, all right, well... I'm gonna see if I can get a room for tonight and I'll... I'll see you later!
RachelYeah, sure! Ok.
(Joey walks out, while Rachel is pensive. Once he's out of her room, he suddenly realizes who she was talking about and goes back in. He looks at her in disbelief and she looks like she was caught red-handed.)
Rachel's hotel room. Joey is standing at the door, facing Rachel.
JoeyYou like me? (shuts the door)
Rachel(nearly whispering) Ok, let's not make a big thing about this!
Joey(shocked) It's a huge thing!
RachelOk, not working with me, Joe! Look, here's the thing: lately, I have been having thoughts (pauses) musings, if you will!
JoeyWhat- for how long?
RachelOnly like a month!
Joey(outraged) A MONTH?!
RachelWhat the... DIAL IT DOWN! (Joey goes to sit on the bed) Listen, ok, and-and maybe they're crazy thoughts, but-but sometimes I do,I've been thinking about... you know, us! (looks at Joey, who's totally distraught) Ok, dial it up a little!
Joey(stands up) Oh you're right. Ok, I have uh- I just have one question!
Joey(desperate) What the hell are you doing?
RachelI do not, I'm not trying to do anything, it's just, we have such a good time when we're together, you know and... I mean, aren't you just a... little curious... (insinuating) what it would be like?
JoeyUh, am I curious? I mean, I am as curious as... as... George!
JoeyCURIOUS GEORGE! You know, the monkey, and the guy with the yellow hat!
RachelYes, of course, I remember him!
JoeyYeah, he had a paper route.
RachelYeah, he did! (smiling) Oh, see, this is what I'm talking about!
JoeyNo, I know, yeah I know we're great but Rach no... this... this can't happen!
RachelBut can it... just... happen a little bit?
Joey(charmed, but then recoiling) NO, NO! It can't happen at all!
RachelWhy, why not?
JoeyBecause... look, no one wants this to happen more than me, ok? (in a trembling voice) I have gone over this moment in my head a hundred times and not once did I ever, say no! (sighs) I couldn't do it to Ross!
RachelBut that wasn't gonna stop you before!
JoeyI know, I know! But I've thought about it a lot, since then, and it just wouldn't be right... (painfully) I'm sorry.
Rachel(regretful) I'm sorry, too! (they look at each other sadly, then she recollects, and puts her hands over her eyes) OH GOD! I shouldn't 've said anything!
JoeyNO! No-no-no-no-no-no! Hey! Hey, we'll be fine! Li... hey, like you says: no big deal!
RachelIt's not a big deal!
JoeyNO BIG DEAL!
RachelIt's so not a big deal!
JoeyYeah! I'll see you later!
(They shake hands, he walks out and shuts the door, then seems to change his mind, moves to open the door, than changes his mind again and leans over the door. Just then, Rachel opens the door)
RachelOk, I... (Joey falls backwards into the room) Ah!
(Joey hurriedly stands up, arms akimbo, gives her an embarrassed look and walks away)
The hotel game room. Monica and Mike are still playing ping pong.
MonicaOoh! I'm sorry! I think, I THINK, that may have missed the table!
Chandler(to Phoebe) Do you really find this attractive on him?
Phoebe(looking at Mike) Oh, yeah! (turning to Chandler) Are you telling me you... you're not even... a little turned on by Monica right now?
(Chandler turns to look at Monica, who has the biggest hair ever, is flushed and in a sweat, and is decidedly sniffing her armpits)
ChandlerI think this is the first time in our marriage that I've felt like the more attractive one.
PhoebeAll right come on Mike, you can beat her! Knock that dog off her head!
MonicaOh, damn it!
Phoebe(pointing at Mike and shouting) I sleep with him!
Mike(boasting) Game point!
Monica(threatening) Don't get too cocky! Remember I won the last one! Oh, by the way, how did that feel, losing to a girl?
MikeYou know, you should really look in a mirror before you call yourself that.
(They continue to play ping pong and then Mike scores, winning the game)
MonicaNO, NO, NOOO!
MikeAnd that's how it's done! (Phoebe kisses him)
ChandlerOk-dokey, you've each won a game and I've lost what's felt like a year of my life. So everybody goes home a winner.
MonicaBest out of three?
MikeThat's what I'm thinking.
ChandlerShould I use my invisibility to fight crime or for evil?
Monica(to Mike) Serve the ball, chump!
Mike(doing Monica and mumbling) Hey you're wearing a cap.
Phoebe(to Mike) Ok, better comebacks Mike, better comebacks.
MonicaI got it! (Knocks Chandler down.)
ChandlerI'm fine, by the way!
Hotel's bar, Ross and Mr. Oberblau are talking.
Mr. OberblauI'm just saying, I have a cabin in the Adirondacks. If you ever wanna get away from the city, well, that'd be (pause) just nifty!
RossOoh, well. Um, I kinda 've got a lot on my plate right now, not that I wouldn't love a weekend in the country with a strange man. (Mr. Oberblau giggles)
Mr. Oberblau(seeing her) Oh, you're back. (to Ross) this is my wife, Nancy.
(Charlie walks by)
CharlieRoss, uh, can I talk to you for a minute?
RossYes, please! (they move and sit down on a sofa) Is he still looking at me?
CharlieYes! And his wife is kinda looking at me.
RossUhm, so, what's-what's going on?
CharlieUh, well... Joey and I broke up.
RossOh my God, what, what happened?
CharlieJoey is a great guy, but we're just... we're so different! I mean, like during your speech he kept laughing at homo erectus!
RossI knew that was him!
CharlieAnyway I just um, I think it's for the best.
Ross(holding her hand) Hey, hey you ok?
CharlieI guess. There was um... (she breathes deeply) there was another reason that I thought it was time to end it with Joey. I started to realize that I was having feelings for someone (pause) else.
(Some paleontologists interrupt them)
Paleontologist(merrily) Ok Geller. Last day of the conference, you know what happens to the keynote speaker.
RossUh, Professor Claire, we're kind of in the middle of a conversation here.
CharlieYeah, can you guys just throw him in the pool later?
Professore ClaireOr we could throw you both in now!
Ross(standing) Ok, gentlemen! Please! Aren't we a little old for this? I mean, we're scientists, right? We're academics. And most importantly I... you-you will have to catch us first. (he starts to run away with Charlie). GO, GO, GO! (the paleontologists starts chasing them)
Game room, Monica and Mike are still playing ping pong.
(Chandler and Phoebe look bored to death. Monica scores and laughs)
MikeOk, so it's a tie again, 41 to 41.
Chandler(exhausted) Ok, look! Enough is enough!
MonicaNo, I have just to have two more points to beat him!
ChandlerMonica, that was also true an hour ago! I mean, please, look at you! Your hand is blistered, you can barely stand, your hair is inexplicable! Pheebs, talk to Mike, Help me out.
PhoebeYeah. Mike, you win this, you'll get the best sex you've ever had in your whole life.
ChandlerI say to fight crime.
(Ross and Charlie storms in, followed by a bunch of paleontologists.)
RossYou didn't see us! (Spotting Monica's hair) Monica? (Leaves)
Chandler(to Monica) All right, look, I'm begging you. Ok, you've already proven you are just as good as he is, now we've missed our dinner reservations, so now let's just go upstairs, order room service, take a shower and shave your head!
MonicaI can't just walk away! I've put in four hours!
MonicaLook! You knew this about me when you married me! You agreed to take me in sickness and in health. Well, this is my sickness!
ChandlerWhat about the obsessive cleaning?
MonicaThat's just good sense!
(They start playing again; suddenly Monica hits the table with her hand)
Monica(in pain) Aww! (she holds her hand, moaning like she's biting back a scream)
MonicaNo, no, no. Honey, I'm ok. Shake it off! (she shakes the wrist and it's more painful) Oh, no! No shaking, no shaking! Ooh! Ooh! (pause) Oh my God! I can't play!
MikeSo you forfeit?
MonicaI can't believe it! (pause) I lost!
ChandlerNo, you didn't.
ChandlerBecause I'm gonna play for ya.
PhoebeYou can't do that!
MikeUh, it's ok. I don't care which of 'em I beat.
PhoebeOk, we're taking that paddle home, mister.
Monica(to Chandler) Honey, you don't have to do this.
Chandler(In a loving voice) Yes, I do. Now, I may not understand why you have to win so badly, but if it's important to you then it's important to me, because I love you.
MonicaBut... you suck!
Chandler(Still in a loving voice) You're welcome, sweetheart.
(Chandler prepares to play)
ChandlerAll right Mike, let's get this over with. Sudden death. Whoever wins this point, wins.
(They start playing and Chandler does not suck at all)
MonicaOh my God! You're good!
PhoebeIt's like watching porn!
(Chandler scores and wins the match)
ChandlerAnd that's... how... it's done!
Monica(to Chandler) My God, my God, that was so amazing! When-when did you (pause) Hold on! I almost forgot (she turns to Mike) loser! (back to Chandler) When did you stop sucking?
ChandlerI never sucked, I actually didn't want you to know how good I was!
ChandlerI don't know.
MonicaWell this is so great! Now we can enter into doubles tournaments!
Hotel's bar. Ross is running to Charlie trying not to be seen with two cocktails in his hands. She's hidden behind a huge plant.
CharlieAre they still looking for us?
RossYeah, yeah. The bartender said that they uh, they split up into two search parties, the herbivores and the carnivores. (pause) You know, we as a group are not the coolest.
(Three paleontologists walk by and Ross hugs Charlie trying not to be seen)
RossI don't think they saw us.
CharlieI don't think they did.
RossYou know, for a bunch of researchers, they sure don't look very carefully.
(They realize that they are hugging closely and he draws back)
CharlieUm, so, I started to tell you something earlier, um... (pause) There uh, there was another reason I realized it was time to end it with Joey. I um, I kinda realized I... was starting to have feelings... for someone else.
Ross(apparently unruffled) Oh. Can I, can I ask who?
CharlieI think you know.
RossI think I know too but I've been really wrong about this stuff in the past, so-
(Charlie kisses Ross, they stop for a moment and then he kisses her back)
RossI'm sorry, we uh... we can't.
CharlieAll right, all right.
RossI mean, you just went out with my best friend, you know, I... I just think it'd be a really really bad idea. (pause) Or, or not! (they kiss passionately)
(Joey walks in and sees Ross and Charlie kissing. He gives a faint, rueful smile, then he seems to recollect something and suddenly he moves back to Rachel's room. He knocks on her door and she opens)
(Joey says nothing, but enters the room and kisses her. They are kissing passionately only to stop for a brief "oh" from Rachel. They continue their passionate kiss and Joey closes the door with his foot and it shuts in the camera's "face")
Part 1 written by Shana Goldberg-Meehan & Scott Silveri; Part 2 written by Marta Kauffman & David Crane; Directed by Kevin S. Bright; Transcribed by Andreina, Eleonora, Pheeboh, Sebastiano & Vanessa; Annotated by ncp