Joey and Rachel's apartment. The scene starts where we took off in the last episode with Ross seeing Joey and Rachel kissing. Rosss stares at them.
JoeyOk, Ross, I-I realise that you didn't expect to walk in and see that, but uh.. Let me explain, ok?
RachelWe weren't doing anything!
JoeyRach, he just saw us.
JoeyBut what you saw, that is the extent of it, ok? One kiss.
RachelNo, come on, that is a lie. We also kissed in Barbados.
Joey (to Rachel)Dude, chill! (to Ross) O-Ok, we also kissed in Barbados, but we didn't plan it, ok? And the only reason that that happened was-was because I saw you kissing Charlie.
RachelYeah, you started it! I've got to chill.
JoeyLook, we-we probably should've talked to you about this before it ever happened, but-
RachelOh, we feel so terrible about this, Ross.
JoeyYeah, but it did, happen, so.
(Ross looks shocked and says nothing.)
RachelRoss? (to Joey) Can we just close the door?
Joey and Rachel's apartment. Continued from earlier.
RachelRoss, say something. Anything.
RossSo you two, are?
Joey and RachelYeah.
RossAnd have you.. ed?
RachelNo, no, no, no!
RossBut if I hadn't walked in here, would you?
(Rachel looks at him.)
RachelRoss, this is not how we wanted you to find out about this. You have every right to go nuts.
RossI'm not going nuts. Do you see me going nuts?
RachelNo, but you know what I mean.
RossHey, hey, hey. If you two are happy, then I'm happy for you. (Squeaky) I'm fine!
RossAbsolutely. (Very Squeaky.) I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, (deep voice) I'm fine. I'm not saying I wasn't a little surprised to-to see you guys kissing. I mean, at first I was like.. (Screams.) But now, that I've had time to absorb it; Loving this.
RossIt's all working out! Me and Charlie, and you two. You know what we should do?
RossNo. We should all have dinner. Yes, we'll do it tomorrow night. I'll cook!
JoeyLook, don't-don't you think that will be a little weird?
RossWeird? What? What's weird? I don't know, the only thing weird would be if someone didn't like Mexican food, because I'm making fajitas! (Storms off.)
JoeyI do like fajitas.
Central Perk. Monica and Chandler are there. They have lots of brochures about adoption in front of them.
MonicaGod, this adoption stuff is so overwhelming. There's inter-country adoption, dependency adoption.. There are so many ways to go, and this is like the biggest decision of our lives.
ChandlerThere's a hair in my coffee.
PhoebeHey, have you seen Frank Jr., 'cause he's meeting me here with the triplets.
ChandlerYou know, it's funny. Every time you say "triplets," I immediately think of three hot blonde 19-year-olds.
(Monica glares at him.)
MonicaThat's sweet. Drink your hair.
PhoebeHey, what's all this stuff?
MonicaOh, they're brochures from different adoption agencies.
PhoebeOoh, babies! Oh, this one is so cute, get this one!
MonicaThat's not really how it works.
PhoebeOh, how does it work?
MonicaI don't know!
PhoebeWell, if you're having a hard time, you should talk to my friends, Bill and Colleen. They adopted a kid. I'm sure they'd help you.
MonicaThanks, that would be great. Hey, honey, wouldn't that be great?
(Chandler looks like he did the time he swallowed the toy in 605. It's the hair in his coffee.)
(Frank Jr. and the triplets enter.)
Frank Jr.Alright, alright, alright. Remember what we talked about. When we're in a public place, there are certain rules.
(The triplets scream and run amok in the coffee house.)
Frank Jr.That's not what we talked about!
PhoebeGood to see you.
Frank Jr.Good to see you, too.
Frank Jr.Hi, how're you doing?
MonicaOh, my goodness, they've all gotten so big!
(Little Chandler is pulling Chandler's sweater, while Leslie is throwing bagels at him.)
MonicaWhich one is which again?
Frank Jr.Oh, that's Frank Jr. Jr. pulling the tampons out of the lady's purse. And that's Chandler climbing on Chandler, and that's Leslie throwing bagels at him. She's got quite an arm there, doesn't she? Yeah.
PhoebeHey, guys, come give me a hug. Triplets, hug your aunt! Oh, oh, oh, it's like hugging fresh cookies. Ok, I'm gonna eat you!
ChandlerSo how've you been, Frank?
Frank Jr.Oh, good, you know. Life is all right. Just taking it day by day.
ChandlerSeems like somebody needs something from you.
Frank Jr.Oh, no. He's just trying to pull my shoulder out of it's socket.
ChandlerOh my God.
Frank Jr.No, it's fine. After I black out, he tries to put it back in, so-
Monica (reads a form in her lap) "Willing to adopt triplets?" No!
The hallway in Ross's building. Joey and Rachel are on their way to Ross's dinner.
JoeyAh, can I just say I know we're doing this for Ross, and that's cool, but if it was up to me, this is not what we'd be doing on our first date.
RachelWell, what would we be doing?
JoeyI'd take you out for a romantic night. Some champagne, fancy dinner, feel you up on the carriage ride home.
RachelFeel me up?
JoeyIn a carriage!
RachelWell, maybe we can have our date later on tonight. You know, after this, we'll go back to our apartment.
JoeyAll right, right. Yeah. We could put on some music, light some candles, and then-
RachelYou wanna say feel me up, don't you?
JoeyI just think it's something we should do.
(Charlie walks up to them.)
CharlieHi, hi. So.. Dreading this?
RachelOh, you bet.
(Joey sees that she's carrying a small red bag.)
JoeySo, did you bring a little something for Ross?
CharlieActually.. Uh, it's some stuff you left at my apartment.
JoeyOh. Oh, thanks.
CharlieAnd you know, you can just give me my stuff whenever you want.
JoeyYeah, I didn't throw any of that out.
(They enter Ross's apartment. Ross is already quite hyper.)
RossI thought I heard voices! Hi, Charlie! (Kisses her.) Hi Joey. (Hugs him.) And.. Oh! You're gonna have to introduce me to your new girlfriend. (Laughs.) I'm just kidding, I know Rachel, I know. (He squeezes her hand.) Come, please come in. Come in.
RachelOk, uh well, we brought you some wine.
RossOh! That is so thoughtful. (To Joey.) She's a keeper. And what did you bring me? (Grabs the bag that Charlie brought for Joey.)
JoeyUh, actually, that's uh..
RossUnderwear, a toothbrush, and Van Halen CD. I can use all these things!
CharlieGosh, Ross, you know, you seem a little uh..
RossWhat? Fine? Because I am! Aren't you? Aren't you? Aren't you? You see? Who-who else is fine?
JoeyOk, listen, hey, Ross. Why don't you try to relax, ok? Maybe have a drink.
RossYou know what? That is a very good idea. I'm gonna go make a pitcher of Margaritas.
(Does a Mexican dancing-thing before going to the kitchen.)
Central Perk. Frank Jr., Phoebe and the triplets are there. The triplets are now sleeping on top of each other on the couch.
PhoebeOh, God. So adorable. Look at them sleeping there like angels.
Frank Jr.Yeah, I really cherish these moments, 'cause before you know it, they're gonna be awake again.
PhoebeWell, they may be a handful, but they're so cute.
PhoebeOh, God, last time I babysat them, they did the funniest thing.
Frank Jr.I haven't slept in four years!
PhoebeThat's a, that's a long time.
Frank Jr.You just don't know how hard it is, Phoebe. There's just so many of 'em. You know, two I can handle. Two's great. You just hold one in each hand, but what do I do when the third one runs at me with his bike helmet on. I gotta no more hands to protect my area! There's three of 'em, Phoebe, three!
PhoebeYeah, I know, Frank. I counted them when they were coming out of my area.
Frank Jr.Sometimes I think that.. Oh, no, no, no, I can't say it, it's too horrible. No.
Frank Jr.No, I can't.
PhoebeOh my God, Frank, are you thinking of leaving? Because I didn't have those triplets so you could just run out on them!
Frank Jr.Oh, no! I would never do that. No. I just was thinking that, you know, maybe you could take one.
PhoebeWhat?! You-you can't separate them! That's terrible. Which one?
Bill and Colleen's apartment. Chandler and Monica enter.
MonicaThank you so much for seeing us. Phoebe has told us such great things about you guys.
ColleenOh, please, we're happy to help.
BillWe went through the same thing when we were adopting.
ChandlerSo, a lot of malfunctioning wee-wees and hoo-hoos in this room, huh?
(Bill and Colleen look shocked.)
ChandlerI mean, you have a lovely home.
MonicaWell, we appreciate anything you can tell us.
ColleenWell, actually, I think this might help.
(She gives Monica a big binder that's perfectly in order.)
ColleenIt's pretty much all the information you need.
MonicaOh my God!
ColleenEverything is broken down into categories, and then cross-referenced, and then color-coded to correspond with the forms in the back.
MonicaThank you. (To Chandler.) I think I just had a tiny orgasm.
BillI know the process is frustrating, but it's so worth it. Adopting Owen was the best thing that ever happened to us.
ChandlerThat's great. (To Monica.) Can I see the book?
(Monica looks at him.)
ChandlerYou want me to wash my hands first, don't you?
MonicaIt's.. It's just so pretty and white.
ColleenBathroom is down the hall, to your left.
ColleenI would've told him to do it too.
MonicaCan I adopt you?
(Cut to the hall. Owen is wearing his scout-uniform and is looking through a box when Chandler walks up to him.)
ChandlerHey, you must be Owen.
ChandlerI'm Chandler. Hey, I was in the scouts too.
ChandlerYeah, in fact my father was a den mother.
ChandlerYou know how to use a compass?
OwenI have a badge in it.
ChandlerYou do? That's fantastic!
OwenYou wanna see it?
ChandlerI'd love to, but I gotta get back to talking to your parents. They're telling us all about how they adopted you.
(Chandler tries to come up with a good answer.)
ChandlerI got nothing.
ChandlerNoo. I didn't say that. I said.you're a doctor. A doctor. Hey doctor, my arm hurts, can you fix it for me?
OwenI can't believe I'm adopted.
ChandlerSo, you're not gonna fix my arm?
Ross's apartment. Ross is totally wasted, but he's still drinking all the margaritas.
RossWell, that first batch of margaritas was not so great, but the second batch is gooooood.
RachelWell, maybe the next batch, we could all get some.
RossOh, guys, this is fun, isn't it? You know? Just the four of us. Just hanging.
JoeyDude, are you ok? And when are the fajitas gonna be ready?
RossI'm fine! Ok, I'm great! I'm just.. I'm just proud of us. You know, there's no weirdness, no tension.
RossYou know, we make a great foursome. We should do more stuff together. Ooh! Let's take a trip. We could all go on your boat. Joey has this amazing sailboat.
JoeyActually, Ross, I sold the boat two years ago.
RossOh, no. Idiot!
JoeyWell, yeah, yeah, but I could get another one. This trip sounds great.
RossYeah? Ok, where do you think we-we, we can go?
(The oven timer pings in the kitchen.)
(He runs off to the kitchen.)
RachelLook, Charlie, I just want you to know. Ross is just having a little trouble adjusting to the thought of Joey and me. You know, he normally doesn't drink like this.
CharlieOh, you know what? This is nothing. My father is a raging alcoholic.
(Joey and Rachel don't know how to respond to that.)
CharlieOh, I'm sorry, have I made this evening uncomfortable?
(Ross enters carrying a frying pan with fajitas - without any oven mitts.)
RossFajitas! Be careful, very hot plate, very hot!
RachelRoss, you don't even have oven mitts on!
RossThat is gonna hurt tomorrow!
Central Perk. Frank Jr., Phoebe and the triplets are there. Continued from earlier.
PhoebeOk, well, this is crazy. Can't seriously be talking about me taking one of your kids, can we?
Frank Jr.Oh, no, of course we're not.
Frank Jr.I know.
PhoebeAlice would never go for it, right?
Frank Jr.Oh, I don't know, she's pretty tired, too, I think we'll get her on board.
PhoebeWell, just, you know, for argument's sake, you know, hypothetically. Which one would you be willing to give up?
Frank Jr.Well, it'd be great for my shoulder. Oh, you'd be getting a really good one, he's really funny. Like, the other day he made up this joke. What's green and says "hey, I'm a frog"? A talking frog! (Laughs.) Oh, no, you can't have him, he's too funny.
PhoebeWell, alright, that's fine. What about um, Leslie?
Frank Jr.Oh, no, no. Not Leslie. No, she's, she's the only one that knows how to burp the alphabet.
PhoebeAlright, so that leaves Chandler.
Frank Jr.Oh, no, no, you can't have Chandler. No, No, no no. She's my little genius. I got big hopes for her. She's gonna be a doctor or a realtor..
PhoebeWow, Frank. I think we just ran out of kids.
Frank Jr.Oh, I think you're right. Oh, wow. Phoebe, I don't think I can give one of 'em up. I mean, you know, they drive me crazy, but they're my babies.
PhoebeI'm sorry, Frank. I didn't realise things were so bad. You know, I'll-I'll help out more. I can-I can babysit any time you want. You name the day, and I'll be there.
Frank Jr.How about tomorrow?
PhoebeWell, that's not good. But you know, I can move some stuff around, and I'll be there. You and Alice just take the whole day together.
Frank Jr.You'd do that for us?
PhoebeAre you kidding? That's what sisters are for.
Frank Jr. (looks at the triplets)Oh, look at them! Aw. I love you so much. (Strokes Leslie's hair, and she moves a little.) Oh crap, don't wake up, don't wake up!
Bill and Colleen's apartment. Chandler comes running into the living room. Monica is the only one there.
ChandlerWhere are Bill and Colleen?
MonicaThey're in the kitchen getting something to eat. Can you believe how nice they are?
ChandlerWe have to leave!
MonicaWhy? What did you do in the bathroom?
ChandlerI didn't get to the bathroom. I bumped into Owen on the way, and he didn't know he was adopted. And there's a slight chance I may have told him.
MonicaOh my God, where's my purse? No, you know what? I can replace everything in there. Get that binder, and let's go!
(Bill and Colleen enter.)
BillSome little snacks for everybody. Oh, you don't have to eat the sour worms. Those are for Owen.
ColleenI'll go get him in a second. By the way, you should know we haven't told him he's adopted yet.
ChandlerBut kids are so intuitive. Don't you think on some level he already knows?
(Owen comes running in.)
BillWhat? Where did you hear that?
OwenHe told me! And paid me 50 dollars not to tell.
ChandlerWhich technically now you should give back!
ColleenYou told him he's adopted?
ChandlerI'm so sorry, but you should have a sign out there or something. Or at least whisper it to people when they come in the door. "Owen doesn't know he's adopted, and he also thinks Santa is real."
Chandler (to Monica)We have to get out of here, baby!
BillWhat is the matter with you?
MonicaAll right, look, I know what Chandler did was not the best, but anyone would assume that a, a 12-year-old has been told he's adopted.
BillYeah, he's 8.
MonicaWow, he's tall. What country did you get him from?
Ross's apartment. Rachel, Joey and Charlie are eating fajitas when Ross enters from the kitchen.
RossEveryone? I would like to make a toast to Rachel and Joey.
RossAnd, to love. Ah, love. L-O-V-E, love. L is for life. And what is life without love?
RachelOh my God, are we supposed to answer?
RossO, is for "oh, wow!" The V is for this very surprising turn of events, which I'm still fine with by the way. E, is for how extremely normal I find it, that you two, are together. And that one day you might get married and have children of your own.
(Ross chokes up and pauses. Rachel and Joey look at him.)
JoeyDude, are you ok?
RachelRoss, you don't seem ok.
Ross (on the verge of tears)I'm sorry, it must be the pressure of entertaining. I think everyone would feel better if we had some flan.
CharlieWait, Ross. Ross. I um, I-I have to take off.
CharlieI'm sorry, I have a really early class in the morning, but this, has been lovely.
RossWasn't it? And-and you thought it would be awkward with Joey and that you never really liked Rachel.
CharlieYou're on fire! I'll call you in the morning, ok?
(Ross goes to the kitchen.)
CharlieGod, Rachel, what Ross just said that is just so-
RachelOh, that's ok, girls tend not to like me.
(Ross enters from the kitchen with three plates with flan.)
RossOk, I guess it's just flan for three! Hey, hey, that rhymed!
RachelYou know what, Ross? I think, I think we're gonna take off too.
RossOh, oh. Of course. God, I'm so stupid. You guys are a couple now. I mean, you probably just wanna be alone.
RachelNo, no, it's just that it's getting late.
RossHey, hey, it's fine. It's totally fine. We have plenty of margaritas. It's all good.
(The oven timer pings again.)
RossI don't even know what that's for.
(He goes back to the kitchen.)
JoeyYou know what? I think I'm gonna stay here and make sure he's ok.
RachelYeah, that's probably a good idea.
JoeyYeah. Just- I'll see you in the morning.
RachelUh-huh. Ok. Yeah, you know, Joey, I, I don't think he's ever gonna be ok with this.
JoeyIt doesn't look good, does it?
(They kiss each other on the cheek, and Rachel leaves.)
RossI guess I made Tater Tots.
JoeyRoss, oven mitts!
Ross's apartment the next morning. Ross is very hung-over on the couch as Joey enters with a cup of coffee for him.
JoeyMorning. Here you go.
RossThanks. Did you, you stay here all night?
RossSo, you took off my pants and shoes?
JoeyNo, no, no. You actually did that when you were dancing to the Chicago soundtrack. Look, um, Ross, about, about Rachel and I. Listen, you don't have to worry about that, ok? Because nothing is gonna happen.
RossWhat'd you mean?
JoeyWell, she and I said from the beginning that we weren't gonna do anything unless you were ok with it. And clearly..
RossHey, what're you talking about? I'm fine!
JoeyAre we still doing this?
JoeyIt's ok, Ross. I totally understand. Of course you're not fine. You're.. You're Ross and Rachel.
RossYeah, except we're not. I mean, we haven't been a couple in like, six years. Oh, my God, is that right? Has it been that long?
JoeyThat's what I hear, yeah.
RossThis is crazy. I mean, six years? And because of me you guys aren't gonna be together? Can I ask you something? Really, what is this thing with you and Rachel?
JoeyCome on, I mean, you know me, you know.
JoeyI'm crazy about her.
RossAnd she feels the same way?
JoeyI think so.
RossWell, then, maybe it's time we all moved on.
JoeyYeah, but, Ross, I mean, you're not ok with it.
RossNo, but I wanna be. Hey, I will be. Besides, I'm-I'm with Charlie, right? Oh, my God, I'm still with Charlie, aren't I? I mean, she didn't see the dance, did she?
JoeyNo, no, no, no, that was uh, that was just for me. Are you uh, you sure about this?
RossYeah, I'm sure.
JoeyAnd we're ok?
(Ross smiles and holds up his hand for a high-five, but he has forgotten about his burnt hands. He gasps in pain as Joey grabs his hand.)
Central Perk. Monica and Chandler enter to find Phoebe there with the triplets.
MonicaUhm, we just wanna give you a heads-up. Bill and Colleen hate us.
ChandlerOwen didn't know he was adopted, Monica told him.
PhoebeHe didn't know? He's twelve.
MonicaNo, he's only eight. I bet he's Russian.
PhoebeStill, he had to find out sometime.
ChandlerYeah, but how would you like it if someone told the triplets that you gave birth to them?
(The triplets stare at him.)
ChandlerI'm gonna go tell Emma she was an accident. (Runs off.)
Written by Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer; Directed by Ben Weiss; Transcribed by Kreidy; Annotated by ncp