Central Perk. Everybody's sitting on the couch and Monica is eating a chunk of cake.
Monica(really excited) Mmh, this cake is amazing!
RachelMy God, get a room!
MonicaI would get a room with this cake. I think I could show this cake a good time!
PhoebeIf you had to, what would you give up, food or sex?
Monica(with no hesitation) Sex!
Chandler(looking at her) Seriously, answer faster!
MonicaOh, I'm sorry honey, you know, but when she said "sex" I wasn't thinking about "sex with you"!
Chandler(to Phoebe) It's like a giant hug.
PhoebeRoss, how about you. What would you give up, sex or food?
PhoebeOk, how about, uhm, sex or dinosaurs?
RossOh my God. It's like Sophie's Choice.
RachelOh God. What about you, Joe? What would you give up, sex or food?
JoeyUhm... oh... I don't know, it's too hard.
RachelNo, you gotta pick one!
JoeyOh... food. No, sex. Food! Sex! Food! I don't know! Good God, I don't know, I want, I want girls on bread!
Central Perk. Rachel and Phoebe are looking at some photos and they're sitting next to the window.
RachelYou gotta see these latest pictures of Emma.
PhoebeOh, how cute!
PhoebeOh, she looks just like a little doll!
RachelOh, no no. That is a doll.
PhoebeOh, thank God, 'cause that thing's really creepy! (looking outside the window) Oh, there's Chandler. (he's on the street, talking to a woman)
RachelOh. Who is the blonde, she's pretty.
PhoebeOH! He's having an affair.
RachelHe's not having an affair!
PhoebeYou know, I'm always right about these things.
RachelNo, you're not! Last week you thought Ross was trying to kill you!
PhoebeWell, I'm sorry but it's hard to believe that anyone would tell a story that dull just to tell it! (looking outside) See, there's something going on with them. Look, he's getting into a car with her!
RachelOh, that doesn't mean anything.
PhoebeOh yeah? Well, let's see. (she takes her mobile phone) Ok, duck down. (they both get down to hide themselves. Phoebe calls Chandler)
Chandler(picking up the phone) Hello.
PhoebeOh, hi Chandler. It's Phoebe. Uhm... I-I know that Monica is working today so (back to Central Perk) I was wondering if you wanna come to the movies with me and Rachel.
ChandlerOh, uh... I have to work too. Yeah, I'm stuck at the office all day.
Phoebe(shocked) Oh, well, it's a shame that you-that you miss the movie 'cause we were gonna see, you know, either "Liar, Liar" or "Betrayal", or... "An Affair To Remember".
ChandlerThose are all really old!
PhoebeOk, then maybe it'll be, uhm...
Rachel(whispering) "Dude, Where's My Car?"
Phoebe(glancing at her) What?
RachelThey're in a caaar...
Phoebe(to Chandler at the phone) Ok, well, I'll talk to you later. Ok, bye.
PhoebeOk. Quick. We gotta find a cab and follow them.
RachelOh, yeah, ok. Let me just grab my night vision goggles and my stun gun.
Phoebe(patting her bag) I got 'em!
Monica's apartment. Chandler enters the door.
MonicaHey! Hi, sweetie. Hey, you smell like perfume and cigarettes.
ChandlerI was in the car with Nancy all day.
MonicaNancy doesn't smoke!
ChandlerWell, at least the perfume is not mine, be thankful for that!
MonicaSo? What do you think of the house?
ChandlerIt's perfect. It's everything we've been looking for.
MonicaIsn't it? Then what about the-the amazing wainscotting and the crown molding and the dormer windows in the attic?
ChandlerAnd the wiggle wharms and the zip zorps? (pause) What were the things you said?
MonicaDon't you love the huge yard?
ChandlerAnd the fireplace in the bedroom.
MonicaAnd Nancy said that it's really underprice, because the guy lost his job and has to move in with his parents!
ChandlerThis is bringing out a lovely color in you!
MonicaSo? Do you think we should get it?
ChandlerI don't know. What do you think?
MonicaI think we should.
ChandlerI do too.
MonicaThis is huge!
MonicaHow bad you wanna smoke right now?
ChandlerI don't know what you mean, giant talking cigarette! Oh, by the way, Phoebe called just as I was getting into Nancy's car, so if she asks you, I was at work all day.
MonicaGotcha. When do we tell them about this?
ChandlerWe don't. Not until it's a hundred percent. I mean, why upset everybody over nothing.
MonicaOk. Right. Oh my God, that is gonna be so hard.
ChandlerI know. Gooooood luck with it.
Joey's apartment. Everybody except Monica and Chandler is there.
RossI just can't see Chandler cheating!
RachelI'm telling you guys, we followed them out to a house in Westchester, they went in for like forty-five minutes and then they came out looking pretty happy!
JoeyChandler? Forty-five minutes? Well, something is not right.
RossSo you went all the way to Westchester, waited 45 minutes and came back in a cab?
RachelYeah. And if each of you guys would like to pitch in 100 bucks, that'll be great.
JoeyI just can't believe he would do this to Monica!
RossI know, and with the baby coming?
PhoebeSo, should we tell her?
RossI don't know. Phoebe, if-if one of us saw Mike with another woman would you want us to tell you?
PhoebeWhy? Who'd you seen him with?
RossNo one, I'm just saying if- (Phoebe starts pinching him in his neck)
PhoebeTELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW!
Ross(yelling in pain) I know nothing! Mike's a great guy, it was hypothetical!
PhoebeAll right. (she releases him). He is a good guy. You're right, he wouldn't cheat.
RossBelieve me, if I did see with someone, there's no way I- (Phoebe starts pinching him again)
Phoebe WHO DID YOU SEE HIM WITH?
Monica's apartment. Monica is cleaning with a vacuum and then she cleans it with a dustbuster. The guys enter the room.
RachelOh, look at her, so happy!
MonicaIf only there were a smaller one to clean this one!
JoeyHey, is uh... is Chandler here?
MonicaNo, he's picking up dinner, why, what's up?
PhoebeWell, look, whatever happens, we're here for you and we love you.
Monica (puzzled)All right.
RossWe think Chandler might be having an affair.
RachelPhoebe and I saw Chandler with a blonde woman today outside on the street and then we followed them to a house in Westchester.
PhoebeThey went in together. So sorry.
MonicaOh my God! Oh my God that's awful! What did you think of the house?
(They all look confused and sorry for her)
Joey(walking towards her to hold her and support her) Monica, you-you understand what we're saying, right?
MonicaYeah, sure... uhm, I'm devastated, obviously... (to the rest) Did you think the neighborhood was homey? (Chandler enters)
Joey(to Chandler) You son of a bitch!
ChandlerIs it me, or the greeting's gone downhill around here?
Monica(goes to Chandler) Phoebe and Rachel saw you with Nancy today and... em... they think you're having an affair.
RossWhat's going on?
Monica(turns to them) Ok, alright, guys, you'd better sit down, this is, this is pretty big.
ChandlerYeah (motions them to sit and they do) Uh, I'm not having an affair. Nancy is our realtor.
JoeyI knew he couldn't be with a woman for 45 minutes!
PhoebeWhy, why do you have a realtor?
MonicaUhm, she's been showing us houses outside of the city.
Joey(clearly shocked) What?
RachelAre you serious?
MonicaWhen we found out that we're gonna get this baby, Chandler and I started talking and we decided that we didn't wanna raise a kid in the city.
PhoebeSo, so you're gonna move?
RossOh my God.
JoeyShouldn't we all vote on stuff like this?!
RachelWhat is wrong with raising a kid in the city? I'm doing it, Ross is doing it, Sarah Jessica Parker is doing it!
MonicaAnd that's great for you guys, but we want a lawn and a swing set.
Chandlerand a street where our kids can ride their bikes and maybe an ice-cream truck can go by.
Ross(sarcastic) So you wanna buy a house in the 50's?
PhoebeYou got about what you're giving up? You can't move out of the city, what if, what if you want Chinese food at 5 am? Or a fake Rolex that breaks as soon as it rains, or an Asian hooker sent right to your door?
RossYou know what, if you wanna look for a house, that's ok.
JoeyNo, no, it's not, don't listen to him! (to Ross) I'm gonna thump you! (points his fist at him)
Ross(to Joey) It's ok, because they have to get it out of their system, ok (back to Mon and Chan), but you're gonna realize, this is the only place, you wanna be.
(Pause before Monica and Chandler speak, they look like they are looking for the right words)
ChandlerActually, we already found a house we love.
MonicaAnd about an hour ago, we made an offer.
(All the friends looked shocked and confused. There is a long silence.)
ChandlerBet you wish I was having an affair now, huh?
RossYou put an offer on a house?
Monica(smiling) It's so sweet. It really is. It has this big yard that leads down to this stream and then there's these-these old maple trees- (gets cut off)
PhoebeWh? Again with the nature, what're you, Beavers?
ChandlerI know this is really hard and we're really sorry.
JoeyIs-is this because I come over here without knocking and, and eat your food? (Walks towards the fridge) Because I can stop doing that, (looks at the fridge) I really, really think I can!
Chandler(goes towards Joey) You know that's not the reason Joe. (Joey hugs him and after, he takes something from the fridge and puts it in his mouth. He goes back to where he was standing before)
MonicaWe think if you saw it, you'd understand. I mean you guys were there. (Points to Rachel and Phoebe) It's-it's beautiful, isn't it?
RachelYeah it is.
JoeyWhat the hell are you doing?
RachelWell, it is, all right? When we were out there today, all I kept thinking was: I can't believe Chandler is screwing this woman, but man this would be a nice place to live!
PhoebeYeah, but so is this.
RossYeah, I mean, if you moved there, you have to leave here. I mean, how can you leave this place?
[We fade to some flashback scenes.]
(From The Pilot)
Rachel(talking on the phone) Come on Daddy, listen to me! It's like all of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a, a purse, you know? Or a, or a hat! No, I don't want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying that I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy!
RossYou can see where he'd have trouble.
RachelWell maybe I'll just stay here with Monica.
MonicaWell, I guess we've established she's staying here with Monica.
(From All the Poker)
RossYour money is mine, Green!
RachelYour fly is open, Geller!
PhoebeYou guys, you know what I just realized? 'Joker' is 'poker' with a 'J.' Coincidence?
ChandlerHey, that's...'joincidence' with a 'C'!
(From The Blackout)
Phoebe[looking outside the window] Eww, look. Ugly Naked Guy lit a bunch of candles.
[They all look at the window, grossed out, then flinch in pain.]
RachelOw, that had to hurt!
(From The Football)
PhoebeHey, it's your Thanksgiving too, you know, instead of watching football, you could help.
The GuysWe will. (they don't move)
MonicaOk, Rachel, you wanna put the marshmallows in concentric circles.
RachelNo Mon, you want to put them in concentric circles. I, want to do this.
(Rachel sticks a marshmallow into Monica's nose. Monica takes it out of her nose by closing one nostril, and blowing.)
(From All The Thanksgivings)
Joey(he has a turkey on his head) It's stuck!
Phoebe(walks him to the kitchen) Easy. Step. How did it get on?
JoeyI put it on to scare Chandler!
PhoebeOh my God! Monica's gonna totally freak out!
JoeyPlus, it smells really bad in here.
PhoebeYeah, of course it smells bad. You have your head inside a turkey's ass!
(They hear Monica trying to unlock the door. So Phoebe quickly pushes his head down onto the table to make it look like the turkey is just sitting on a platter and not stuck on Joey's head.)
MonicaHey, did you get the turkey bast-Oh my God! Oh my God! (She sees someone is stuck in the turkey.) Who is that?
(From The Embryos)
MonicaI got it! How about, if we win, they have to get rid of the rooster?
RachelOooohh that's interesting.
ChandlerIf you win, we give up the birds.
Joey(shocked) Agh! (Chandler motions for him to calm down.)
ChandlerBut if we win, we get your apartment.
RossWhat was Monica's nickname when she was a field hockey goalie?
JoeyBig fat goalie.
RossCorrect. Rachel claims this is her favorite movie-
RossCorrect. Her actual favorite movie is-
JoeyWeekend at Bernie's.
RossCorrect. Monica categorizes her towels. How many categories are there?
(They both confer)
Ross11, unbelievable, 11 is correct. (The guys celebrate.)
Ross(to the girls) Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl's breast?
RossJoey had an imaginary childhood friend. His name was?
RossCorrect, his profession was?
RachelOh, space cowboy!
RossCorrect! What is Chandler Bing's job?
(The girls are stumped)
Ross10 seconds, you need this or you lose the game.
MonicaIt's umm, it has something to do with transponding.
RachelOh-oh-oh, he's a transponce...transpondster!
MonicaThat's not even a word!
(Ross stops the clock, signifying the end of the lightning round.)
(The door opens and Joey and Chandler ride in on the big, fake dog in triumph)
RachelYou know what, you are mean boys who are just being mean!
JoeyHey, don't get mad at us! No one forced you to raise the stakes!
RachelThat is not true. She did! She forced me!
MonicaHey, we'd still be living here if you hadn't gotten the question wrong!
RachelWell it's a stupid, unfair question!
RossDon't blame the questions!
ChandlerWould you all stop yelling in our apartment! You are ruining moving day for us!
(From The Girl Who Hits Joey)
RossChandler! (He opens the door to the apartment but is stopped by the chain; Chandler and Monica quickly stop making out and try to get dressed.) Chandler, I saw what you were doing through the window! Chandler, I saw what you were doing to my sister of! Get out here!
Chandler(To Monica) Wow! Listen, we had a good run. You know, what was it? Four? Five months? I mean, that's more than most people have in a lifetime! So, goodbye, take care, bye-bye then! (He kisses her and starts to climb out the balcony window)
Monica(She opens the door.) Hey Ross. What's up? bro?
(Ross spots Chandler and starts chasing him around the kitchen table. Chandler runs and hides behind Monica.)
RossWhat, the hell, are you doing?!
Rachel(running from the guy's apartment with Joey in tow) Hey, what's-what's going on?!
ChandlerWell, I think, I think Ross knows about me and Monica.
Joey(panicking) Dude! He's right there!
Ross(To Chandler) I thought you were my best friend, this is my sister! My best friend and my sister! I-I cannot believe this!
ChandlerLook, we're not just messing around! I love her. Ok, I'm in love with her.
MonicaI'm so sorry that you had to find out this way. Sorry, but it-it's true, I love him too.
(There's a brief pause.)
Ross(happily) My best friend and my sister! I cannot believe this. (He hugs them both.)
(From The Last Night)
MonicaWell, this is the last box of your clothes. I'm just gonna label it, "What were you thinking?"
RachelOh, so funny, 'cause I was just gonna go across the hall and write that on Chandler.
PhoebeOk, you guys, I don't mean to make things worse, but umm, I don't wanna live with Rachel anymore.
Monica and RachelWhat?!
PhoebeYou're just so mean to each other! And I don't wanna end up like that with Rachel. I still like you!
RachelWell, Phoebe, that's fine because I'm not moving.
MonicaWhoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, Phoebe, you gotta take her! You know, I, I know I said some really bad stuff about her, but you know Rachel does have some good qualities that make her a good roommate. She gets tons of catalogs and umm, she'll fold on the pages of the things she thinks that I'd like.
MonicaWhen I take a shower, she leaves me little notes on the mirror.
RachelYeah, I do. I-I do, do that.
PhoebeThat's nice. I like having things to read in the bathroom.
MonicaWhen I fall asleep on the couch after reading, she covers me over with a blanket.
RachelWell, you know what, I don't want you to be cold.
MonicaAnd, when I told her that I was gonna be moving in with Chandler, she was really supportive. (To Rachel) (Starts to cry) You were so great. You made it so easy. And now you have to leave. And I have to live with a boy! (They both break down in tears.)
(Monica closes the door and slowly walks into Rachel's old and now empty room.)
MonicaShe really left.
ChandlerI know. (He kisses her.)
ChandlerNo problem roomie. (She turns around and hugs him.)
MonicaCan I ask you a question?
MonicaWhat the hell is that dog doing here?! (She notices the dog sitting in the living room.)
(From Underdog Gets Away)
ChandlerLittle toast here. I know this isn't exactly the kind of Thanksgiving that all of you all planned, but for me, this's been really great, you know, I think because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting. Anyway, I was just thinking, I mean, if you'd gone to Vail, and if you guys'd been with your family, if you didn't have syphilis and stuff, we wouldn't be all together, you know? So I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I'm very thankful that all of your Thanksgivings sucked.
AllThat's so sweet.
RossAnd hey, here's to a lousy Christmas.
RachelAnd a crappy New Year.
We're back to the present. Chandler and Monica's. They're all still at the kitchen table.
RachelYou can't move. You just... you just can't.
JoeyRachel's right. This is where you guys belong.
PhoebeYeah, you guy- you don't wanna live in Westchester. That's like the worst of the Chesters.
RossYou know, sometimes when I'm alone in my apartment, I look over here, and you guys... are just having dinner or... watching TV or something, but... it makes me feel better. And now when I look over, who am I gonna see? The Gottliebs, the Yangs? They don't make me feel so good. (Joey pats Ross on his back)
RachelYeah. So, so don't move, ok? Just stay here and... (nods towards Ross) maybe close your blinds at night.
(The phone rings and Chandler goes to get it)
ChandlerHello? It's Nancy, they responded to our offer.
(Chandler listens to what Nancy says)
Chandler(to Nancy) Ok, thanks. (to Monica) They passed. They said they wouldn't go a penny under the asking price.
MonicaWe can't afford that.
MonicaWell, there you go.
(Chandler and Monica hug)
JoeyI'm really sorry, you guys.
RossYeah. I'm sorry too. I'm even more sorry that that phone call didn't come before I told you about looking through the window.
RachelYeah, we're gonna let you be alone.
Phoebe(to Monica) You're gonna be ok?
MonicaYeah, we'll be ok.
RossLove you guys. (he kisses Monica, he, Rachel and Phoebe leave.)
JoeyHey, you know, I'm really sorry I wasn't more supportive before.
ChandlerThat's ok, we understand.
JoeyYeah. And-and about this Nancy... If you're not sleeping with her, should I?
(Chandler gives Joey her business card, which he eagerly grabs and he leaves.)
MonicaI know there'll be other houses, but it's just so... I love that one so much.
ChandlerYeah... Well, it's a good thing we got it then.
ChandlerWe got the house.
MonicaOh my God!
ChandlerI just didn't wanna tell you in front of them.
MonicaOh my God! My God! We've got the house?!
ChandlerWe're getting the house! (they hug) We're getting the house.
MonicaAnd a baby.
ChandlerWe're growing up.
MonicaWe sure are.
ChandlerSo who's gonna tell them?
Monica(quickly) Not it!
ChandlerNot it! Damn it!
Central Perk. The entire gang is there, and Chandler and Monica are handing out presents.
MonicaRachel, this is yours.
RachelAah! Why? What're these for?
MonicaAll right, everybody open them!
(They all tear off the wrapping paper)
RachelOoh! Oh, wow this is so beautiful. (she got a scarf)
PhoebeOh! These're the ones I was looking at in the store. (she got earrings)
RossOh I love this. (he got a sweater)
JoeyA meatball sub? Thanks! (he got a meatball sandwich)
RossSeriously you guys, what's going on? What're these for?
ChandlerWell, I didn't know how to tell you before, but... We got the house.
(They both run off, leaving Ross, Phoebe and Rachel stunned.)
Joey(speaking with his mouth full, enjoying his sandwich) What'd they say?
Written by Doty Abrams; Produced by Wendy Knoller; Transcribed by Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa; Flashback clips transcribed by Guineapig, Dan Silverstein, Ruth Curran, Eric Aasen and Mindy Mattingly Phillips, and compiled by Eleonora; Final check by Kim; Annotated by ncp