Central Perk. Everyone's sitting on the couch. Monica and Joey enter. JoeyHey guys!
MonicaHey, let me tell them!
JoeySure.
MonicaJoey is gonna be a celebrity guest on a game show!
JoeyRight!
PhoebeOh!
RossReally? Which one?
Monica(stopping Joey from answering) Ohh! Fish, seaweed, a sunken ship.
RossThings you find in the ocean, (to Joey) You're gonna be on "Pyramid"!
MonicaOh, that was our favorite game show ever!
RossExcept for "Match game"...
MonicaOr "Win, Lose or Draw".
ChandlerWhat did I marry into?
JoeyWould you guys wanna come down tomorrow (and) watch me tape the show?
MonicaOh, I can't. We're throwing Phoebe a bachelorette party.
PhoebeYeah, sorry boys, this ride's closing.
RossOh, and Chandler and I have this stupid college alumni thing. I can't believe you get to meet Donny Osmond.
JoeySeriously?
Ross(very excited) Yeah-uh!
MonicaRoss and I always wanted to be Donny and Marie.
ChandlerYou guys just keep getting cooler and cooler!
MonicaYeah, we used to perform for our family and friends.
RachelOh God, that's right. I blocked that out.
Monica(singing an old Donny and Marie song) "I'm a little bit country"...
Ross(continues singing) "and I'm a little bit rock 'n' roll"!
Chandler(to Monica) I'm leaving you. Class of '91 reunion. Ross and Chandler enter. RossSo weird to see all these people again. Oh my God, look, there's Geoffrey Cleric.
ChandlerWho?
RossHe was roommates with John Rosoff. He went out with Andrea Tamburino. She dumped him for Michael Skloff.
Chandler(looking around) Did I go to this school?
RossHey, there's Missy Goldberg. You gotta remember her.
Chandler(looks over at her) Sure, nice.
RossDude. You're married to my sister.
ChandlerYou're right, by saying "nice" I'm virtually licking her.
RossHey, I, I hear she's single again, you think I should ask her out?
ChandlerAre you asking permission to break the pact?
RossYes please.
[Flashback, year 1987. Chandler enters the school's corridor. Ross is hanging some flyers on the wall. Both have a funny 80s hair and clothes.]
RossHey. Hey, check out the flyers for the band. I made 'em on a Macintosh in the computer room!
ChandlerAwesome, the name really stands out.
RossThanks to a little something called "Helvetica Bold 24 point"!
ChandlerMan, we're gonna rock that Asian student union!
MissyHey guys!
ChandlerHey hey, Missy!
RossHey, Missy.
ChandlerYou know, our band is playing on Friday.
RossYeah, yeah. You should come check us out. We're called "Way! No Way!".
MissyNo way!
Chandler and RossWay!
MissyRight. I'll be there. (she leaves)
ChandlerFresh!
RossBoss!
ChandlerMint!
RossShe's gone.
ChandlerI know it. You know, I'm totally gonna ask her out.
RossDude, I was gonna ask her out.
ChandlerI said it first, bro.
RossWell, I thought it first, Holmes.
Chandler(angrily) Look, if you did-
RossWait! Wait! What're we doing? What we have is too important to mess it up over some girl. I mean, we can get laid anytime we want.
ChandlerTotally. I had sex in high school.
RossMe too. I'm good at it.
ChandlerAll right, I say we make a pact. Neither of us will go out with Missy Goldberg.
RossYou got it.
ChandlerAll right, so that's Missy Goldberg, Phoebe Cates and Molly Ringwald, who neither of us can go out with.
RossThose are the pacts!
ChandlerOh, and Sheena Easton. But we probably couldn't get her anyway.
RossOh, oh, maybe not you!
[We get back to the Class of '91 reunion, where Ross and Chandler are still looking at Missy.]
ChandlerWell, I officially give you permission to break the pact.
RossThank you. (they shake hands) All right, here I go. Hey, remember how scary it used to be going up to girls in college?
ChandlerYour hands are shaking.
RossI know, and I can't stop sweating. (he walks towards Missy) The "Pyramid" Studio. VoiceFive! Four! Three! Applause!
Donny OsmondYeah! Welcome, it is Soap Opera week here on Pyramid, let's meet our contestants. First, Gene Lester is a database specialist, he's gonna be playing with "Days of Our Life's" star Joey Tribbiani! (Joey's amazed at the place and he keeps looking around till he realizes the audience is applauding him)
Joey(to Gene) Listen, I know it could be intimidating for regular people to be around celebrities but... relax, I'm just like you! (pause) Only better looking and richer.
Donny...should be playing with the star of "General Hospital" Leslie Charleson. (applause) Welcome everybody. Good luck to all of you. Let's play Pyramid. All right? Now... we flipped a coin before the show, Gene, you won the toss, so you're gonna start. Which category would you like?
GeneI'll take "You crossed the line".
DonnyYou crossed the line. Joey, describe for Gene, these things that have lines. Give me 20 seconds on the clock, please. Ready, go!
Joey(on the screen there's the word "Supermarket") Uh... ok. It's a store, like a supermarket. (there is a sound indicating he made a mistake as he shouldn't have said 'supermarket'. The next word appears, "notebook") Oh! I see-I see what I did. Ok, ok, ok, uh... I'm writing in my...
GeneDiary.
JoeyNoo, (whispering) more like a notebook. Damn it! (next word appears: "blueprint") Oh, if I'm building an house, the plan isn't called the 'schm-print'. Can't say that either? Woha- hey- (the last word is "Football field" and there are 5 seconds left) In high school, I once had sex with a girl right in the middle of the-
GeneCafeteria.
JoeyYeah! But that is not what they're looking for. (time's finished) OOOH! Monica's apartment, where Phoebe's bachelorette party is taking place. Phoebe(to Rachel) Thank you so much for this.
RachelOh, you like it?
PhoebeOh my God, it's all so elegant! When's the dirty stuff starting?
RachelWhat?
PhoebeYou know, the strippers, and the guys dancing, and you know, pee pee's flying about.
RachelOh! Pheebs, I...I, there isn't gonna be any flying about! We actually thought we were a little too mature for stuff like that.
PhoebeOh, ok. I see what you're doing, that's fine. This is all there is, just tea, ok. (she drinks her tea) Hmm, raunchy! It's ok.
RachelSeriously Pheebs, it's not gonna be that kind of a party.
PhoebeReally? So this is... this is my big send off in the married life? Rachel this is the only bachelorette party I'm ever gonna have! I, I got a big wad of ones in my purse! Really? I mean, really? It's just tea?
RachelNooo! Phoebe, of course there is more!
PhoebeOk.
RachelI mean, I'll just go and talk to Monica and get an ETA on the pee pee's! (to Monica) We've got a problem.
MonicaOh my God. Did someone find my Band-Aid in their scone?
RachelEw, that wasn't an apricot?
MonicaWhat's, what's the problem?
RachelOh, God ok, Phoebe wants a stripper.
MonicaWait a minute, but we said we were too grown up for that.
RachelYeah, well. It's what she wants. (found something) Hey, why is the page that has strippers on it dog-eared?
MonicaChandler was in Tulsa. I, I was bored. Please don't tell him. Joey's at the game show "Pyramid" with host Donny Osmond. DonnyNow Gene I must remind you, you need all six of these to stay in the game, all right? Describe for Joey, things you find in your refrigerator.
JoeyAhaha, he might as well just give us the points.
DonnyGive me twenty seconds on the clock. Ready? Go!
(The first word is cream)
GeneYou put this in your coffee.
JoeyA spoon. Your hands. Your face!
GeneIt's white!
JoeyPaper, snow, a ghost!
GeneIt's heavier than milk!
JoeyA rock, a dog, the Earth.
GenePass!
(The second word is mayonnaise)
GeneYou put this on a sandwich.
JoeySalami, anchovies, jam!
GeneIt's white!
JoeyPaper, snow, a ghost!
GeneIt's made from eggs!
JoeyChickens?
GenePass!
JoeyOh!
(The third word is ketchup)
GeneYou put this on a hamburger!
JoeyKetchup!
GeneYes!
(The fourth word is soda)
JoeyRelish!
GeneStop!
JoeyOh.
DonnyOh, time's up! Joey! You were, uh, almost on a roll there (laughs)
JoeyYeah.
DonnyUh, Gene, you're gonna have a chance to go to the winner circle in the second half. But right now Henrietta, you are going to the winner circle to try your luck for ten thousand dollars, right after this, don't go away.
Stage Manager And we're out!
JoeyHey, how about the Ketchup thing huh?
GeneYeah, impressive.
JoeyOh, so we didn't win, but it's fun to play the game, right?
GeneHey! I got a kid starting college. I've got surgery on my knee, you just lost me ten grand!
JoeyOh, wow! I'm so sorry, ok? I promise, we, we'll do better next time!
GeneWell, I will, because I won't be playing with you.
JoeyHey you know, some of those are pretty hard! Like why would there be a ghost in my fridge? (pause). Yeah! College reunion party. Ross is talking to Missy. RossSo, Saturday night!
MissyI'd love to!
RossGreat!
MissySo how come it took you so long to ask me out?
RossOh, well, uh, this is gonna sound kinda silly, but, do you remember my roommate Chandler Bing?
MissySure, he was in your "band"? (she air quotes band)
RossIt's been sixteen years but the air quotes still hurt.
MissySorry.
RossThat's ok. Uh, anyway, well he and I both really liked you a lot, uhm, but we didn't want anything to jeopardize our friendship, so we kinda-kinda made a pact, that neither of us could ask you out!
MissyReally?
RossYeah, why?
MissyWell, Chandler and I used to make out! A lot!
RossYou did?
MissyYeah. We'd go to the science lab after hours!
Ross(angrily) AND ON MY TURF? Monica's apartment. The bachelorette party. Monica(to Rachel) Hey, where is this guy, it's been, it's been over an hour!
RachelWell, he's coming from Jersey, he said he would get here as fast as he could! Oh, by the way, Phoebe's friend Marge found an earring in her cucumber sandwich.
MonicaWell, it's not mine- Wow, I am not on my game today.
(someone knocks at the door)
MonicaWho is it?
ManIt's the police!
Rachel(pretends to be shocked) The police!
Phoebe(Excited, running back to her seat) Oh!
ManThat's right, it's officer Goodbody.
MonicaWhat's the matter, officer? Has someone been bad? (looks over to Phoebe and she open the door, and to their dismay, the stripper is an old, short, fat guy who looks exhausted)
Roy, the male stripper(coughs) Whoo, that's a lot of stairs!
RoyOoh, boy. You should warn people there's no elevator! I should not have had that Mexican food for lunch.
MonicaAre-are you gonna be ok, officer, uh-
RoyGoodbody!
MonicaIf you say so.
RoySo where's the young lady who I'm supposed to take (he shakes his hips) down town! (Monica points Phoebe)
PhoebeOh, God.
RoyYou, my dear, are under arrest. (out of breath)
PhoebeCardiac rest?
RoyAll right, somebody show me where to plug in my box, and we'll get this party started! (he thrusts his pelvis towards Phoebe) Whaaaa... (walks back to plug in his cd player) Here? All right.
PhoebeRachel?
RachelYeah?
PhoebeUm, are you kidding?
RachelAll right, look, we did not know that you wanted a stripper so we went to the phonebook, we got the first name we could find!
PhoebeHow old is your phonebook?
MonicaOh my God, this man is gonna get naked in my apartment!
PhoebeOh God no, I don't wanna see him take his clothes off!
RoyAre you talking about me?
MonicaOh, no! I mean, obviously we wanna see YOU take your clothes off! Big piece of eye candy!
RoyOk, ok, ladies! Can I have your attention, please? (pause) Did someone call, for the long arm of the law? (He extends his arm from around his crotch and then upward and outward, towards Phoebe) I should warn you, I have a concealed weapon! (Puts his hands over his crotch) I hope you're familiar with the States penal code, ok, ok, enough teasing. Now, for some pleasing!
(He uses his remote to turn on the music, "Tainted Love" by Soft Cell, and starts dancing for Phoebe. He shakes his butt, moves his shoulders back, grabs his crotch and hops towards Phoebe. Phoebe is half horrified and half scared. He takes his hat off and throws it away, does some "Can-can" high kicks and swings his butt in front of Phoebe who looks at it in disgust. Then he tears open his shirt and shows her his chest and she flinches.)
RoyWhoa whoa whoa whoa (he turn off the music) . She cringed!
PhoebeThis is how I look when I'm turned on!
RoyYou were talking about me before! Look, I don't need this! I'm outta here! Where's my hat? (goes to get it) Look, I've been in this business for a long time!
PhoebeShocking!
RoyNow if you just pay me my three hundred dollars, I'll be on my way!
PhoebeThree hundred dollars, are you kidding?
RachelNo, that's ok, let's me just get my checkbook!
PhoebeNo, you're not gonna pay him, he didn't do anything!
RoyDidn't do anything? I took a bus all the way from Hoboken. I climbed, I don't know, like a billion stairs. It's not like I can take them two at a time!
PhoebeI don't care. We're not paying you 300 dollars for this.
RoyWell look it's not my fault if you're too uptight to appreciate the male form in all it's glory.
PhoebeOh yeah, ok. I'm uptight. Yeah, that's why I don't wanna watch a middle aged guy dance around in what I can only assume is a child's halloween costume! (turns to look at Monica and Rachel who look like they feel very sorry for the stripper)
RoyI may 've borrowed this from my nephew, but let me assure you, what's underneath, (points at his groin) is all man.
PhoebeI'm sorry, did you say all man or old man?
Roy(making a crying face) Oh, you're mean!
Monica(walks towards Phoebe and the stripper) Uh, look, offi-officer, um, sir-
RoyDamn it. OH! (To Phoebe) Big surprise! The hunk of beef has feelings! At Pyramid. Joey is with the woman now. DonnyOk Henrietta, you've picked Jack and Jill went up the hill.
Joey(To Henrietta) My friend Rachel has a kid. I totally know nursery rhymes! (makes a thumbs up sign)
DonnyJoey, describe these things associated with the United States Congress. (Joey goes form looking very confident to looking very shocked the instant the word Congress is said) Give me 20 seconds on the clock please. Ready? Go!
(Camera goes to Joey. The clock is at 20 sec. The word "Legislature" appears. He looks at it blank faced and his eyes shift between Henrietta and his screen)
JoeyUh... oh uh, pass! (Next word: "Rotunda") Pass. (Next word: "Filibuster" stares at it a moment) Pass. (Henrietta is looking very confused) (Next word: "Addendum" 4 seconds remaining) Ok, uh the little thing that hangs down at the back of your throat.
HenriettaUvula!
JoeyOh, then pass! (Next word: "Joint session", but time's up, Joey acts very disappointed)
DonnyO-kay. Henrietta, you didn't get all the points you needed, so that means Gene, you are going to the winners circle to try for ten thousand dollars! (Gene is clapping his hands looking very happy and so is Joey) And you're gonna be going there with Joey Tribbiani (Both of their smiles fade away instantly)
JoeyUh, pass! Class of '91 reunion. Ross is walking angrily towards Chandler, who is talking to two other guys. Chandler(to two guys) Nope. You must be thinking of someone else. I was never in the band.
Ross(To Chandler) You made out with Missy Goldberg. How could you do that, after you promised me?
(Chandler looks at the other two guys, embarrassed)
Chandler(to the two guys) Excuse me. (Chandler and Ross move away from them). That didn't make us sound gay at all!
RossYou broke the pact!
ChandlerRoss, that was 16 years ago.
RossThat doesn't matter! We're talking about the foundation of our friendship.
ChandlerI believe the foundation of our friendship was unfortunate hair. (Ross just stares at him) All right, look, if we're really gonna do this, it's not like you never broke one of the pacts.
RossI didn't.
ChandlerOh really?
RossNo.
ChandlerOh really?!
RossNO!
ChandlerADRIENNE TURNER! (A girl behind them turns around)
AdrienneYes?
Chandler and RossHey! Hey Adrienne. (They move away from her)
RossI never did anything with Adrienne Turner.
ChandlerOh, please, and you knew how much I liked her.
RossI don't know what... you're talking about.
ChandlerReally?
[Flashback scene: 80's College party.]
Present Chandler's voiceRemember that big party? Freshman year? A week before Christmas vacation? I do. You had some visitors.
(An 80's Rachel and fat Monica walk into the party room. Both with funny hairdos and clothes)
MonicaI can't believe we're at a real college party! (Rachel laughs excitedly) I have to pee so bad!
RachelThis is so awesome! College guys are so cute!
MonicaHey, you had a boyfriend!
RachelI know. But if some guy who looks like Corey Haim wants to kiss me tonight, I'm sooo gonna let him. (They spot Chandler)
MonicaHey look, there's Chandler, you know, that stupid friend of Ross' who said I'm fat. You know I've already lost 4 pounds!
RachelIt... You can so totally tell.
MonicaI KNOW!
RachelWell let's see. Maybe he knows where Ross is. (They walk towards Chandler) Hey, how's it going (tries to look as un-interested in him as possible - checking out her nails).
ChandlerAren't you?
RachelYeah, Rachel. And this (points to Monica) is Ross' sister, Monica. We met at Thanksgiving. (looks around the room as if searching for something more interesting to do) .
Chandler(smiling at Monica) Right. (to Rachel) So how're you doing?
RachelBitching.
ChandlerHi Monica.
MonicaHi Chandler. It's really nice to see you (rolls her eyes) NOT. (she and Rachel giggle a little and Chandler looks unimpressed)
ChandlerO-kay. I'll see if I can find Ross. (Goes off to find Ross.)
MonicaOh my God Rach. Bean bag chairs.
RachelOh.
MonicaDo NOT let me sit in one of those. We'll be here for days.
(Cut to Chandler. He's walking around looking for Ross. He sees him kissing a girl next to a vending machine)
RossListen, Adrienne, you can't tell Chandler about this.
AdrienneOh believe me, Ross, I won't be telling anybody about this.
RossCool! (They start kissing again and Chandler looks shocked)
ChandlerNo way. We cut back to the present. The reunion where Chandler and Ross are talking