Chandler and Monica's apartment. They are having a diner party with Phoebe and Mike. Mike(raising his glass) Thank you guys for having us over.
PhoebeOh! Yeah, this is fun, couples night.
ChandlerYeah, I don't know why we don't hang out with married couples more often.
MonicaWell, because every time we do, you make jokes about swinging and scare them away.
ChandlerYou mean that Portuguese couple? Yeah, like you wouldn't 've done it. (she shrugs)
Ross(entering) Hey, you guys... I've great news.
MonicaRoss, we're kind of in the middle of diner here.
RossOh, well, er, I already ate, but sure! (they all look at each other when Ross grabs a plate) Guess what happened at work today.
ChandlerA dinosaur died a million years ago?
RossUh, try sixty-five million years ago, and then try sshhh. My uh tenure review board met today and I hear it's looking really good.
PhoebeWow!
RossYeah. Do you have any idea what this means in academic circles, uh? I am gonna get laid.
Rachel(while entering) Hi, you guys.
AllHey.
RachelOoh, Italian! (she also grabs a plate)
MonicaNo one, no one wanted seconds, right?
RossNo, no. I'm-I'm good.
RachelHey, you guys, you're never gonna believe it. This headhunter called me. I have a meeting tomorrow with Gucci. Gucci wants me.
RossI'm up for tenure.
RachelCongratulations!
RossYou too! What're the odds?
RachelOoh! (they hug)
Joey(enters) Guess what? (they all look expectantly at him) I finally got that seed out of my teeth.
MonicaI don't know who I'm happiest for.
PhoebeI do, he's been working on that all day! (looking at Joey) Central Perk. Phoebe, Monica and Chandler on their couch. PhoebeHey Mon? Was it weird changing your name to Geller-Bing?
MonicaNo, no. It felt nice to acknowledge this. (pats Chandler on his leg)
PhoebeWhere did you go to do it?
MonicaUhm the uh, the-the ministry... of names... bureau.
ChandlerYOU NEVER DID IT!
MonicaI'm sorry. It's just the idea of, of being an official Bing!
ChandlerHey! I will have you know that... aah, who am I kidding. Let's call the kid Geller and let Bing die with me.
Mike(walks to the couch with coffee for Phoebe) Here you go.
PhoebeThanks! Honey, would you want me to take your name?
MikeOh, it's just... It's up to you. It's your name. You've got to live with it.
PhoebeAll right, let's see, call me Mrs. Hannigan.
Chandler(pretending to call her.) Mrs. Hannigan?
Phoebe(loudly and crossly) What? Can't you see I'm in the middle of something? (smiling) Ooh, I like it.
Joey(enters) Hey guys.
ChandlerHey, Joe! We've got a couple of things we gotta check out at the new house. You wanna with us?
JoeyNo, thank you.
MonicaAll right. I know you're not happy about us moving, but you're the only one who hasn't seen the house.
ChandlerYeah, come with us. You'll see how close it is to the city.
JoeyBut no, it's not close. You said it was in escrow? I couldn't even find it on the map.
ChandlerNo Joey, escrow is... there's money in... it's not the bank exactly... I don't know what it is.
MonicaJoey, please come. It means so much to us.
JoeyYou know what? You are my friends, I wanna be supportive, I will come with you. Shotgun!
ChandlerDamn it.
MonicaAll right, see you guys later.
PhoebeOk!
Monica(to Joey) I'll pick you up at eleven. So glad you're coming.
PhoebeGood for you. That was really mature.
JoeyWhat? No, the only reason I'm going to their stupid new house, is so I can point out everything that's wrong with it, so they don't move. I'm gonna make them stay here.
MikeYou're a strange kind of grown-up.
PhoebeJoey, you can't make someone do something they don't wanna do. Believe me, there's something I've been trying to get Mike to do in bed and there's, he's just-
MikeWoo-wo-hey-hey-hey. Can we not talk about that now?
PhoebeAll right, prude. Look, Monica and Chandler really love this house. You are not gonna talk them into staying here.
JoeyHey, hey... I can convince people to do anything, you know. I bet I can even get Mike to do that "thing". What is it?
(Phoebe whispers something in Joey's ear, but after hearing it he jumps up, shocked)
JoeyI AM NOT GONNA HELP YOU DO THAT! Goodbye! (he leaves) A restaurant. Rachel enters. Rachel(to maitre d') Hi, I'm-I'm here to see Mr. Campbell, with Gucci. The reservation is probably under Gucci. It's-it's spelled like Gukki, which could be confusing.
Maitre d'Mr. Campbell's not here yet. Let me show you to his table.
(They walk to the table, but Rachel suddenly gasps. Sitting there is Mr. Zellner, her boss from her current job at Ralph Lauren.)
RachelOh my God! That's my boss. You have to seat us somewhere else.
Maitre d'I'm sorry. That's always Mr. Campbell's table.
RachelBut my, but my boss cannot see me. I'm interviewing for another job.
Maitre d'I know. With Gukki.
RachelSssshhhh!
Mr ZellnerRachel?
RachelHi! I'm on a date.
Mr Zellner(confused) That's great!
RachelYeah, it is. Yeah, you know, it's tough. Single mom, career. You gotta get out there.
Mr ZellnerWell, you got uhm... good energy.
RachelOh.
Mr CampbellRachel?
RachelYes, hi!
Mr CampbellJames Campbell.
RachelHi! (to Mr. Zellner) Excuse us.
Mr CampbellPlease. (shows her to sit)
RachelOk. Oh, yeah... (whispering to Mr. Zellner) Oh he's cute! Thank you, JewHunks.com, huh?
Mr CampbellSo... your résumé is quite impressive. (Mr Zellner who sits behind Rachel shrugs)
RachelWha... My résumé? I wouldn't, I wouldn't call my-my online dating profile a résumé.
Mr CampbellDating profile? I-I-I'm talking about the work résumé.
Rachel(starts singing la la la la) Whatever happened to just singing for no reason? Huh?
Mr CampbellMaybe people... found it weird.... So, why do you wanna leave Ralph Lauren?
RachelWhat? I-I don't.
Mr CampbellYou don't?
RachelNo, I-I-I love it there.
Mr CampbellWell, if you don't wannaleave, why are we having this lunch?
(Rachel mimes and mouths to Mr. Campbell "That is my boss", pointing to Mr. Zellner)
Mr CampbellWhat?
(Rachel now silently whispers "That's my boss".)
Mr CampbellThat's Hugo Boss?
(Rachel holds her hand in order to support her head. Mr. Zellner obviously overheard the conversation.)
Mr ZellnerUh, I believe what she was trying to tell you is that I'm her boss.
Mr CampbellMr. Boss. It is a pleasure to meet you. A counter at a government building. Phoebe's waiting in line. Phoebe(to the woman behind her) Uh. This place is so depressing. If I'd to work here I'd kill myself. (she turns around and the clerk behind the counter heard her.) But you obviously haven't.
ClerkHow can I help you?
PhoebeUh, I need to change my name, please. See, I need to change it 'cause I'm-I'm hiding from the law. (the clerk shows no change in expression whatsoever) You're fun.
ClerkYou need to fill out this form. (motions for the next person in line)
PhoebeOk, well, I just don't, I don't know how it works exactly. See, my name is uh Buffay and my husband's name is Hannigan, so is it supposed to be Buffay-Hannigan or Hannigan-Buffay?
ClerkIt can be anything you want.
PhoebeWell, not anything, I mean-
ClerkYeah... anything.
PhoebeOh, this could take a while.
ClerkGet out of my line.
PhoebeOk. Central Perk. Chandler and Monica are there when Phoebe enters. PhoebeHey!
MonicaHey Pheebs.
PhoebeOh, not anymore. I changed it today.
MonicaOh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Hannigan.
PhoebeWrong again! Apparently you can change it to anything you want. So I thought, all right, here's an opportunity to be creative. So meet Princess Consuela Banana Hammock.
ChandlerThat's what we're gonna name the baby.
MonicaPhoebe!
PhoebeUh! Princess Consuela.
MonicaYou seriously changed your name to that?
PhoebeUh-huh!
MonicaOk, so from now on we have to call you Princess Consuela?
PhoebeUhm, no. I'm-I'm gonna have my friends call me Valerie.
(Rachel enters, looking depressed)
ChandlerHey, how'd the interview go?
RachelOh! It's not good.
ChandlerYou know, I always feel that way after an interview. I'll bet it went better than you think.
RachelWell, I didn't get the job at Gucci and I got fired from Ralph Lauren.
ChandlerThat is a bad interview.
PhoebeWhat're you, what're you talking about? How did this happen?
RachelWell, my boss was at the same restaurant where I was having my interview and he heard everything. So later he calls me to his office and he tells me that he's gonna have to let me go, because I'm not a team player. And I said "Wait a minute! No, yes I am." and then I had to sit there for 45 minutes while he proved that that in fact... was true.
MonicaOh God. I'm so sorry.
(Ross enters with a bottle in his hand)
RossHey! Wha-hoo! Wh-what's this? (showing the bottle) Well it's a, it's a bottle of champagne. Why is this here?
PhoebeRoss...
RossI guess it's here because I GOT TENURE!
All (except Rachel)Congratulations! (Rachel looks devastated)
RossThis is the single greatest day of my professional career. Gunther, six glasses!
GuntherSix? You-you want me to join you?
RossOh, I thought Joey was here. Five is good. (Gunther leaves, hurt) Well, I'm gonna have a loogie in my coffee tomorrow.
PhoebeOk, I'll tell him.
RachelNo no, nobody tell him. This is a big night for him. I don't wanna spoil it.
MonicaAre you sure?
RachelYeah, I'll be fine.
RossOk, everybody, take one, ok?
ChandlerOoh! Israeli champagne. And it's vanilla!
RossI got tenure. I didn't win the lottery. Hey Rach, so uh... how did your thing go?
RachelOh it- good! Yeah, but I'm not gonna hear from that for a couple of days.
RossOh, you know what? You're gonna get it. I-I-I-I can feel it.
PhoebeCan ya?
RachelAh, all right. Everybody, here's to Ross!
RossAnd-and two years of hard work finally paying off.
PhoebeAnd to knowing that your career doesn't mean everything. (Rachel mouths "aah")
RossBut also knowing it means a lot.
MonicaBut more importantly to full well-rounded lives.
Rossthat center around work.
ChandlerTo Ross!
All (except Rachel)Ross!
(They all drink from the champagne, but clearly dislike the taste of it)
RossYou know what the best part about this is? I can never be fired.
PhoebeOh God!
RossNo seriously. I have job security for life. You know, I mean I never have to worry. (Rachel starts crying) Oh. Oh, look at you. Look how happy you are for me.
Rachel(crying) No, it's not that. I got fired today. And I didn't get the other job.
RossOh. Rach, I'm so sorry.
RachelOh!
RossGreat. I feel like an idiot.
RachelNo, it's ok, you didn't know.
RossOh... (to the others) Little heads-up would've been nice. Chandler and Monica's future house. They enter the living room with the realtor and Joey. MonicaThank you for letting us see the house again.
ChandlerAnd thank you for explaining to us what escrow means. I've already forgotten what you said, but thank you.
RealtorTake as long as you want. Just let me know when you're through. (she leaves the room)
MonicaOk, thanks. (to Joey) Ah, so glad you decided to come.
JoeyMe too. Yeah, this place is great. I'm so happy for you guys. Although, you know, I hope you like fungus.
ChandlerWhat?
JoeyFungus! Yeah. Place is full of it.
MonicaNo it's not. We had an inspection and they didn't find anything.
JoeyOk. Then I guess I have dry eyes and a scratchy throat for no reason.
MonicaMaybe it's because you hung your head out of the window like a dog the whole ride here.
JoeyMaybe. So this is the uh living room huh? Ooh, it's pretty dark. (starts feeling around him like he's in a completely dark room, touching Chandler, who backs out and hits him)
MonicaNo it's not!
Joey(squinting his eyes) Are you kidding? I think I just saw a bat in the corner!
ChandlerWhen your head was hanging out the window, it didn't hit a mailbox, did it?
Joey(glares at him for a moment, then admits grudgingly) Maybe. Well, I just think you guys can do better than this house, you know? Or-or any other house for that matter.
MonicaOh Joey, look, we know you're having a hard time with this, but we really, we love it here.
JoeyFINE, ok, if you love this house so much, then you should just live here, ok? I just hope you get used to that weird humming sound. (He turns his back to them and starts humming) Hmmm...
MonicaJoey, we know that's you.
JoeyNo, hmmm, it's not. Hmmm... Phoebe is at Central Perk. Mike enters. MikeHey. (He kisses Phoebe)
PhoebeHey! Welcome back!
MikeAh! I missed you
PhoebeOh, me too!
MikeSo, what's new?
PhoebeWell, I'm no longer Phoebe Buffay.
MikeThat's great! You changed you name?
PhoebeYes I did! Meet: Princess Consuela Banana Hammock! (She smiles from ear to ear)
Mike(afraid) You're kidding right?
PhoebeNope.
MikeYou really did that?
PhoebeYep.
MikeYeah, but you-you can't do that.
PhoebeWhy? Why? It's fun, it's different, no one else has a name like it.
Mike(looks at her astonished) Alright, then I'm gonna change my name.
PhoebeGreat, ok, what're you gonna change it to?
MikeCrap Bag.
Phoebe(not amused) Mike Crap Bag?
MikeNo, no Mike, just-just Crap Bag. First name Crap, last name Bag.
PhoebeYou're not serious, right?
MikeYeah, I'm serious. (sarcastic) It's fun, it's different, no-one else has a name like that!
PhoebeUhu, uhu, well, then, great. If you love it, I love it.
MikeI do love it, and I love your name. I love Princess Consuela.
PhoebeAnd I love Crap. Joey is in Monica and Chandler's future house, sitting in a child's bedroom, looking at a quiz card which has "12+6" printed on one side. Joey(turns the card around, obviously had the wrong answer) Ow!
(A young girl enters)
GirlWho're you?
JoeyOh, hi, I'm Joey. My stupid friends are buying this house. Who're you?
GirlI'm Mackenzie. My stupid parents are selling this house.
Joey(understanding) Oh.
Mackenzie(sighs) I hate my parents.
JoeyI hate my friends. (They shake on it as if they just made a pact) Alright, look. There's-there's gotta be a way that we can stop this from happening.
MackenzieLike what?
Joey(thinking) Uhm... oh! Ok. You come with me, and you tell them that the house is haunted!
MackenzieWhat're you? Eight?
JoeyWoah, uh! Ok, let's hear your great idea.
MackenzieI don't have any great ideas. I am eight.
Joey(frustrated) Ahh! There's gotta be a way. I mean, you know, if Monica and Chandler move out here and now Phoebe is married to Mike. That just leaves me and Ross and Rach, you know what I mean?
MackenzieI really don't.
JoeyWhat am I gonna do, I feel like I'm losing my friends.
MackenzieMy parents say I'm gonna make new friends.
JoeyOh, yeah, sure, easy for you, you're young. Me, I'm set in my ways.
MackenzieThis is what my mom was talking about. Whiners are wieners. (Joey glares at her angrily) Look, you want your friends to be happy, right?
JoeyYeah, yeah, I guess. Yeah.
MackenzieWell, if moving here is gonna make them happy, don't you want them to do it?
Joey(having difficulty admitting it) Yeah, maybe.
MackenzieThen you gotta let them go.
Joey(In near tears, realizes she is right) I hate to admit it, but you're, you're probably right. How did you get to be so smart?
MackenzieI read a lot.
Joey(his mood changes instantly) Just when I thought we could be friends. (he leaves the room) Outside Ralph Lauren building. Rachel just walked out carrying a box of her stuff, and a strange man approaches her. ManHey Rach, I just heard. I'm so sorry.
RachelOh, thank you... (looks at his face trying to remember his name)
ManYou still don't know my name, do you?
Rachel(Is embarrassed for a moment, but it quickly passes) Well, now I don't have to. (The man leaves instantly)
(In the meantime, Ross is trying to squeeze and push a rather large chair through the revolving doors of the Ralph Lauren building.)
Rachel(annoyed) Ross, what's taking you so long?
Ross(stares at her through the door and starts pushing the chair harder, looking very annoyed. He finally manages) (sarcastic) I'm sorry, it's almost as if this wasn't built for a quick getaway!
(Mark, approaches from behind and recognizes her)
MarkRachel?
Rachel(turns around) Mark? Oh my God! (puts the box on the chair and they hug each other)
MarkHow've you been?
RachelI'm fantastic. You remember Ross?
MarkSure, sure. (To Ross) What's with the chair. (Rachel signals him not to mention she's been fired)
RossUh, you know, you can't always get a seat on the subway, so- (laughs stupidly)
MarkClever. (back to Rachel) So-so how're you?
RachelOh, well, (looks at her box and chair) you're not catching me on my best day.
MarkYeah, a box full of your desk stuff doesn't exactly say big promotion.
RachelNo, but it's good, you know, I'm gonna take some time off and some charity work.
MarkAre you sure? because we may have something at Louis Vuitton.
RachelWell, screw charity work. What've you got?
MarkWhy don't we have dinner tonight and talk about it?
RachelGreat! I'll call ya!
Mark(shakes Ross' hand) Nice to see you.
RossYeah! yeah, I got tenure! (Mark looks at him strangely and walks off)
Rachel(very excited) Oh my God!
RossSee? I told you something good would come along. And he seemed really nice. I've, I've met him before?
RachelRoss! That's Mark. From Bloomingdales? You were insanely jealous of him.
Ross(realizing) That is Mark?
RachelYes.
RossI hate that guy.
RachelOh.
RossNo, no, NO, you cannot go to dinner with him.
RachelWhat? You don't want me to get a job?
RossOh yeah, I'm sure he's gonna give you a job. Maybe make you his SEXretary.
RachelUgh.
RossI'm serious. I just don't trust that guy, ok?
RachelRoss, you know what? (looks over to the door and sees security staring at them) Ok, let's talk about it later, there comes security. (Takes her box and leaves. Ross follows her and then returns for the chair. He stands for a moment, then pushes it quickly in the general direction Rachel went into, and out of the camera's view, and then nonchalantly walks away) Chandler and Monica's new house. Sitting near the window, they look at the neighborhood. MonicaOh, I love this street. The trees, the big front yards, the actual picket fences.
ChandlerMan, those two dogs are going at it!
Joey(entering) Hey!
ChandlerHey.
MonicaHey, where've you been?
JoeyOh, just er... you know, looking around. But you know what? This house... is great.
ChandlerReally? What changed your mind?
JoeyOh well, the little girl who lives here made me feel a lot better about the whole thing.
ChandlerJoey, there was a little girl who lived here, but she died like 30 years ago.
(Joey's eyes double in size)
Joey(frightened) What?
ChandlerHa! I'm just messing with you.
JoeyThat's not funny! You know I'm afraid of little girl ghosts!
MonicaJoey, now that you're ok with the house, do you wanna go see your room?
JoeyWhat? I get my own room?
ChandlerYou don't think we'd buy a house and not have a Joey room do you?
JoeyOh my God! (they all hug) Oh! Oh! Hey, can I have an aquarium? And a sex swing?
Chandler and MonicaNo!
JoeyWhy not? I'll keep the tank clean. Central Perk. Phoebe and Mike are leaving. MikeAfter you, Miss Banana Hammock.
PhoebeThank you, Mister Bag.
(A woman enters and recognizes Phoebe)
WomanOh, hey, how're you?
PhoebeOh hi Rita! Good! (to Mike) Oh, Rita's a massage client.
MikeOh! Why don't you introduce me?
Phoebe(shrugs) Er, Rita, this is my husband.
RitaOh! (they shake hands)
PhoebeYeah.
MikeWhy don't you tell her my name?
Phoebe(without moving her lips, wearing a fake smile) Ok, I will. (to Rita) This is, uh, this is my husband uh, Crap Bag.
RitaCrap Bag?
MikeIf you need an easy way to remember it, just think of a bag of crap.
RitaOk. Excuse me.
PhoebeYeah. Ogh. Ok, fine. You made your point. Can you please just be Mike Hannigan again?
MikeOnly if you'll be Phoebe Buffay.
PhoebeHow about uhm... How about Buffay-Hannigan?
MikeReally?
PhoebeYeah. I'm Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan Banana Hammock.
MikeDo you even know what a banana hammock is?
PhoebeIt's a funny word.
MikeIt's a speedo.
PhoebeOh crap! Monica and Chandler's apartment. Ross enters. MonicaWhat're you thinking about?
ChandlerOh, you know, the two dogs.
(Ross enters.)
RossHey, is Rachel here?
MonicaNo.
RossShe's still at dinner?
MonicaI guess. Why? Who's she with?
RossThat guy Mark. From Bloomingdale's. She thinks he's just being nice to her. But I know he really wants to sleep with her.
ChandlerIt's seven years ago. (he looks surprised) My time machine works!
RossWe ran into him on the street today and he said he might have a job for her. But I know he just wants to get into her pants.
MonicaSo what if he wants to sleep with her? I mean, she's single and he's cute.
ChandlerExcuse me?
MonicaOh please! Yesterday on the subway? You couldn't stop staring at that woman with the big breasts the whole time.
ChandlerFor your information, I was staring at her baby. We're about to be parents.
MonicaOh, sorry!
(She looks at Ross, a bit ashamed. Chandler mimes "big breasts" to Ross and lip-syncs "Wow". Ross looks at him, astonished and then Monica looks at Chandler again. A little too late he changes the "big breasts" mime into "rocking a baby". When he realizes Monica might have seen it he also strokes his imaginary baby's head.)
Rachel(entering) Hi you guys!
RossHey, so uh... How was dinner?
RachelOh, it was great. Mark is so sweet.
Ross(speaking without pause, agitated) Oh yeah? Yeah? I wonder why? What could that smarmy letch possibly want?
RachelOh Ross, come on. He's happily married. His wife just had twins.
RossShould we send something?
ChandlerHow'd the job stuff go?
RachelHe offered me one.
ChandlerThat's great!
RossCongratulations!
RachelI know, it's amazing. It's amazing. It's so much better than what I had at Ralph Lauren. The money is great.
RossCan we, can we just stop for a second? Who said something better would come along, huh? You didn't believe me. I told you everything was gonna work out. (gasps) You know what? This calls for a bottle of Israel's finest.
RachelThe job is in Paris. (they all stare at each other) Joey and Rachel's. Joey's on the phone. JoeyI mean, this soap opera is a great gig, but, am I missing opportunities? You know, I've always thought of myself as a serious actor. I mean, should I be trying to do more independent movies?
Mackenzie(at the other end of the line) I don't know. You know what? I'm gonna put you on with my bear. Hold on. (she puts the phone at the bears ear)
JoeyHey bear, I need some career advice.

Teleplay by: Tracy Reilly; Story by Robert Carlock; Produced by Robert Carlock & Wendy Knoller; Transcribed by Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa; Final check by Kim; Annotated by ncp