The living room.
LeonardHere you go. Pad Thai, no peanuts.
HowardBut does it have peanut oil?
LeonardI'm not sure. Everyone keep an eye on Howard in case he starts to swell up.
SheldonSince it's not bee season, you can have my epinephrine.
RajAre there any chopsticks?
SheldonYou don't need chopsticks. This is Thai food.
LeonardHere we go.
SheldonThailand has had the fork since the latter half of the 19th century. Interestingly, they don't actually put the fork in their mouth, they use it to put the food on a spoon which then goes into their mouth.
LeonardAsk him for a napkin. I dare you. [Knocks at the door] I'll get it.
HowardDo I look puffy? I feel puffy.
LeonardOh, hi, Penny.
PennyAm I interrupting?
SheldonYou're not swelling, Howard.
HowardNo, no, look at my fingers. They're like Vienna sausages.
SheldonSounds like you have company.
LeonardThey're not going anywhere. (Closes the door) So, you're coming home from work. That's great. How was work?
PennyWell, you know, it's a Cheesecake Factory. People order cheesecake and I bring it to them.
LeonardSo, you kind of act like a carbohydrate delivery system.
PennyYeah. Call it whatever you want, I get minimum wage. Yeah. Um, anyways, I was wondering if you could help me out with something.
PennyOh. Okay, great. I'm having some furniture delivered tomorrow and I may not be here, so... (The door opens; Sheldon, Howard and Raj appears) Oh. Hel-hello.
[Howard says something]
HowardHaven't you ever been told how beautiful you are in flawless Russian?
PennyNo, I haven't.
HowardGet used to it.
PennyYeah. I probably won't. Hey, Sheldon.
PennyHey, Raj. (No response) Still not talking to me, huh?
SheldonDon't take it personally, it's his pathology. He can't talk to women.
HowardHe can't talk to attractive women, or in your case, a cheesecake scented goddess.
LeonardSo, there's gonna be some furniture delivered?
PennyYeah, yeah. If it gets here and I'm not here tomorrow, could you just sign for it and have them put it in my apartment?
PennyGreat. Here's my spare key. Thank you.
LeonardUh... If you don't have any other plans, do you want to join us for Thai food and a Superman movie marathon?
PennyA marathon? Wow. How many Superman movies are there?
SheldonYou're kidding, right?
PennyYeah, I do like the one where Lois Lane falls from the helicopter and Superman swooshes down and catches her. Which one was that?
SheldonYou realize that scene was rife with scientific inaccuracy.
PennyYes, I know, men can't fly.
SheldonNo, no. Let's assume that they can. Lois Lane is falling, accelerating at an initial rate of 32 feet per second per second. Superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel. Miss Lane, who is now traveling at approximately 120 miles an hour, hits them and is immediately sliced into three equal pieces.
LeonardUnless Superman matches her speed and decelerates.
SheldonIn what space, sir? In what space? She's two feet above the ground. Frankly, if he really loved her, he'd let her hit the pavement. It'd be a more merciful death.
LeonardExcuse me, your entire argument is predicated on the assumption that Superman's flight is a feat of strength.
SheldonAre you listening to yourself? It is well established that Superman's flight is a feat of strength. It is an extension of his ability to leap tall buildings, an ability he derives from exposure to Earth's yellow sun.
HowardAnd you don't have a problem with that? How does he fly at night?
SheldonOh, a combination of the moon's solar reflection and the energy storage capacity of Kryptonian skin cells.
PennyI'm just gonna go wash up.
LeonardI have 2, 600 comic books in there. I challenge you to find a single reference to Kryptonian skin cells.
SheldonChallenge accepted. We're locked out.
RajAlso, the pretty girl left.
Ground floor of the apartment building.
Leonard(To the deliveryman) Ok. Her apartment's on the fourth floor but the elevator's broken, so you're gonna have to... Oh, you're just gonna be done? Okay. Cool. Thanks. I guess we'll just bring it up ourselves.
SheldonI hardly think so.
SheldonWell, we don't have a dolly, or lifting belts or any measurable upper-body strength.
LeonardWe don't need strength, we're physicists. We are the intellectual descendants of Archimedes. Give me a fulcrum and a lever and I can move the Earth. It's just a matter of... (Tries to move the huge box and almost collapses) I don't have this. I don't have this! I do not have this!
Sheldon(Helps put the box straight up and then make it lean against a wall) Archimedes would be so proud.
LeonardDo you have any ideas?
SheldonYes, but they all involve a Green Lantern and a Power ring.
[Leonard and Sheldon are leaning the box against the stairsteps]
[The box falls]
LeonardOkay. Now we've got an inclined plane. The force required to lift is reduced by the sine of the angle of the stairs, call it 30 degrees, so, about half.
Leonard(Mocks him) Exactly half. Let's push. Okay. See, it's moving, this is easy. It's all in the math.
SheldonWhat's your formula for the corner?
LeonardWhat? Oh. Okay, uh... okay, yeah, no problem. Just come up here, help me pull and turn.
[The box slides down]
SheldonAh, gravity, thou art a heartless bitch.
[They are dragging the box along the floor]
SheldonYou do understand that our efforts here will in no way increase the odds of you having sexual congress with this woman.
LeonardMen do things for women without expecting sex.
SheldonThose would be men who just had sex.
LeonardI'm doing this to be a good neighbor. In any case, there's no way it could lower the odds. Almost there. Almost there. Almost there. (Lets go of the box)
SheldonNo, we're not. No, we're not.
SheldonNo, we're not!
[Finally they manages to get the box into Penny's apartment.]
SheldonWatch your fingers. Watch your fingers.
SheldonOh, God, my fingers!
SheldonNo, her... Great Caesar's ghost, look at this place.
LeonardSo Penny's a little messy.
SheldonA little messy? The Mandelbrot set of complex numbers is a little messy. This is chaos. Excuse me. Explain to me an organizational system where a tray of flatware on a couch is valid. Now, I'm just inferring that this is a couch because the evidence suggests the coffee table is having a tiny garage sale.
LeonardDid it ever occur to you that not everyone has the compulsive need to sort, organize and label the entire world around them?
LeonardWell, they don't. Hard as it may be for you to believe, most people don't sort their breakfast cereal numerically by fiber content.
SheldonExcuse me, but I think we've both found that helpful at times.
LeonardCome on, we should go.
LeonardWhat are you doing?
SheldonI'm straightening up.
LeonardSheldon, this is not your home.
SheldonNo, this is not anyone's home. This is a swirling vortex of entropy.
LeonardWhen the transvestite lived here, you didn't care how he kept the place.
SheldonBecause it was immaculate. I mean, you opened that man's closet, it was left to right evening gowns, cocktail dresses, then his police uniforms.
LeonardWhat were you doing in his closet?
SheldonI helped him run some cable for a web cam.
Penny(Enters) Hey, guys.
LeonardOh, hey, Penny. This just arrived, we justbrought this up... just now.
PennyGreat. Was it hard getting it up the stairs?
LeonardWell, we'll get out of your hair. (Leaves)
PennyOkay, great. Thank you again. (Tosses her jacket on the couch)
Sheldon(Upset) Penny... (Leonard comes back) I just want you to know that you don't have to live like this. I'm here for you.
Penny(To Leonard) What's he talking about?
LeonardIt's a joke.
PennyI don't get it.
LeonardYeah, he didn't tell it right. (Drags Sheldon out)
Leonard's bedroom. He is in bed when he hears some noise.
LeonardSheldon? (Comes out with a lightsaber.) Sheldon? Hello? (Notices that the apartment door is open; turns off the lightsaber)
[Penny's living room. Sheldon is tidying; Leonard comes in]
SheldonShh, shh, shh. Penny's sleeping.
LeonardAre you insane? You can't just break into a woman's apartment in the middle of the night and clean.
SheldonI had no choice. I couldn't sleep knowing that just outside my bedroom was our living room, and just outside our living room was that hallway, and immediately adjacent to the hallway was... this.
LeonardDo you realize that if Penny wakes up, there is no reasonable explanation as to why we're here.
SheldonI just gave you a reasonable explanation.
LeonardNo, no, you gave me an explanation. Its reasonableness will be determined by a jury of your peers.
SheldonDon't be ridiculous. I have no peers.
LeonardSheldon, we have to get out of here. (Penny snores)
SheldonYou might want to speak in a lower register.
SheldonEvolution has made women sensitive to high-pitched noises while they sleep so that they'll be roused by a crying baby. If you want to avoid waking
her, speak in a lower register.
LeonardThat's ridiculous! (Penny snores)
SheldonNo. (In a lower register) "That's ridiculous."
Leonard(In a lower register) Fine. I accept your premise. Now, please, let's go.
Sheldon(In a lower register) I'm not leaving until I'm done. If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.
Leonard(In a lower register) Oh, what the hell.
[Leonard and Sheldon's apartment. The next morning.]
SheldonI have to say I slept splendidly. Granted, not long, but just deeply and well.
LeonardI'm not surprised. A well-known folk cure for insomnia is to break in your neighbor's apartment and clean.
SheldonGranted, my methods may have been somewhat unorthodox, but I think the end result will be a measurable enhancement to Penny's quality of life.
LeonardYou've convinced me. Maybe tonight we should sneak in and shampoo her carpet.
SheldonYou don't think that crosses a line?
LeonardYes. For God's sake, Sheldon, do I have to hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth?
SheldonYou have a sarcasm sign?
LeonardNo, I do not have a sarcasm sign.
SheldonDo you want some cereal? I feel so good today, I'm gonna choose from the low-fiber end of the shelf. Hello, Honey Puffs.
Penny(Yells in her apartment) Son of a bitch!
PennyYou sick geeky bastards!
LeonardHow did she know it was us?
SheldonI may have left a suggested organizational schematic for her bedroom closet.
LeonardGod, this is gonna be bad.
SheldonGood-bye, Honey Puffs. Hello, Big Bran.
Penny(Storms in) You came into my apartment last night while I was sleeping?!
LeonardYes, but only to clean.
SheldonReally more to organize. You're not actually dirty, per se.
PennyGive me back my key.
LeonardI'm very, very sorry.
PennyDo you understand how creepy this is?
LeonardOh, yes, we discussed it at length last night.
PennyIn my apartment, while I was sleeping?!
SheldonAnd snoring. And that's probably just a sinus infection. But it could be sleep apnea. You might want to see an otolaryngologist. (Penny is stunned) A throat doctor.
Penny(Approaches in a threatening way) And what kind of doctor removes shoes from asses?
SheldonDepending on the depth, that's either a... proctologist or a general surgeon. (Leonard holds up a sheet of paper which reads "SAICASM") Oh.
PennyGod! (Starts to leave)
LeonardOkay, look, now, Penny, I think what you're feeling is perfectly valid and maybe a little bit later today when you're feeling a little less... for lack of a better word- violated, maybe we can talk about this some more.
PennyStay away from me.
LeonardSure, that's another way to go. Penny, Penny! Hold on. Just to clarify, because there will be a discussion when you leave, is your objection solely to our presence in the apartment while you were sleeping, or do you also object to the imposition of a new organizational paradigm.
(Penny leaves without saying anything) Well, that was a little non-responsive.
LeonardYou are going to march yourself over there right now and apologize. (Sheldon giggles and heads for the kitchen counter) What's funny?
SheldonThat wasn't sarcasm?
LeonardNo. (Motions to him to go)
SheldonWhoo, boy, you are all over the place this morning. (Go across the hallway and knocks at Penny's door; to himself) I have a master's and two Ph. D.s, I should not have to do this.
SheldonI am truly sorry for what happened last night. I take full responsibility. And I hope that it won't color your opinion of Leonard, who is not only a wonderful guy, but also, I hear, a gentle and thorough lover. (Leonard, who is at the door of their apartment, covers his face with his hands in exasperation; Penny slams the door without saying anything; Sheldon comes back; to Leonard) I did what I could.
PennyHey, Raj. Hey, listen. I don't know if you heard about what happened last night with Leonard and Sheldon, but I'm really upset about it. I mean, they just... they let themselves into my place and then they cleaned it. I mean can you even believe that? How weird is it?
Raj(In his mind) She's standing very close to me. Oh, my, she does smell good. What is that, vanilla?
PennyYou know, where I come from, if someone comes into your house at night, you shoot. Okay? And you don't shoot to wound. I mean, all right, my sister shot her husband, but it was an accident, they were drunk. What was I saying?
Raj(In his mind) She's so chatty. Maybe my parents are right. Maybe I'd be better off with an Indian girl. We'd have the same cultural background and my wife could sing to my children the same lullabies my mother sang to me.
PennyIt's obvious that they meant well, but I'm just... I'm having a really rough time. Like I said, I broke up with my boyfriend and... (Raj sings something in Indian in his mind) I mean, just because most of the men
I've known in my life happen to be jerks, doesn't mean I should just assume Leonard and Sheldon are. Right?
RajShe asked me a question. I should probably nod. (Nods)
PennyThat's exactly what I thought. Thank you for listening. You're a doll. (Hugs him)
RajUh-oh. Turn your pelvis.
The living room. Howard is playing a dance pad.
HowardPhew! Grab a napkin, homie. You just got served.
LeonardIt's fine. You win.
Howard(To Sheldon) What's his problem?
SheldonHis imaginary girlfriend broke up with him.
RajHello. Sorry I'm late, but I was in the hallway, chatting up Penny.
HowardReally? You, Rajesh Koothrappali, spoke to Penny?
RajActually, I was less the chatter than the chat-ee.
LeonardWhat did she say? Is she still mad at me?
RajWell, she was upset at first, but probably because her sister shot somebody. Then there was something about you, and then she hugged me.
HowardShe hugged you? How'd she hug you? (Raj hugs Howard) Is that her perfume I smell?
RajIntoxicating, isn't it? (Howard hugs Raj in an intoxicated way)
At Penny's door. Leonard is slipping a note under the door. The door opens.
PennyWhat's going on?
LeonardUm... here's the thing. (Finds the note is upside-down; turns it and reads from it) "Penny, "just as Oppenheimer came to regret his contributions to the first atomic bomb, so too I regret my participation in what was, at the very least, an error in judgment. (Penny smiles; but he is not looking at her) The hallmark of the great human experiment is the willingness to recognize one's mistakes. Some mistakes, such as Madam Curie's discovery of radium, turned out to have great scientific potential, even though she would later die a slow, painful death from radiation poisoning. Another example, from the field of Ebola research..."
Penny(Hugs him) We're okay. (Kisses him on the cheek and closes the door)
[Leonard goes back to his apartment in an intoxicated way and hits his head on the door]
Penny's living room.
LeonardSix two inch dowels.
LeonardOne package Phillips head screws.
PennyYou guys, seriously, I grew up on a farm, okay? I rebuilt a tractor engine when I was, like, 12. I think I can put together a cheap, Swedish media center.
LeonardNo, please. We insist. It's the least we can do, considering...
SheldonConsidering what? How great this place looks?
HowardOh, boy. I was afraid of this.
HowardThese instructions are a pictographic representation of the least imaginative way to assemble these components. This, right here is why Sweden has no space program.
PennyWell, it-it looked pretty good in the store.
LeonardIt is an inefficient design. For example, Penny has a flat screen TV, which means all the space behind it is wasted.
SheldonWe could put her stereo back there.
LeonardAnd control it how?
SheldonRun an infrared repeater. Photo cell here, emitter here, easy-peasy.
Howard(After Raj whispered something in his ear) Good point. How are you gonna cool it?
PennyHey, guys, I got this.
SheldonHang on, Penny. How about fans? Here and here.
LeonardAlso inefficient, and might be loud.
HowardHow about liquid coolant? Maybe a little aquarium pump here, run some quarter-inch PVC...
PennyGuys, this is actually really simple.
HowardHold on, honey. Men at work. The PVC comes down here. Maybe a little corrugated sheet metal as a radiator here.
LeonardOh, really? Show me where we put a drip tray, a sluice, and an overflow reservoir.
SheldonHey, if water's involved, we're gonna have to ground the crap out of the thing.
PennyGuys, it's hot in here. I think I'll just take off all my clothes. (No response)
LeonardOh, I've got it. What about if we replace panels A, B and F and crossbar H with aircraft-grade aluminum?
SheldonOh, right. Then the entire thing is one big heat sink.
HowardPerfect. Leonard, why don't you and Sheldon go to the junkyard and pick up about six square meters of scrap aluminum? Raj and I will run down to my lab and get the oxyacetylene torch.
LeonardMeet back here in an hour?
[The guys leave]
PennyOkay, this place does look pretty good.