The living room. Sheldon is putting cards into his new wallet. SheldonDamn you,!
SheldonWell, the online description was completely misleading. They said eight slots, plus removable id. To any rational person, that would mean room for nine cards, but they don't tell you, the removable id takes up one slot. It's a nightmare!
LeonardOkay, now, do you really need the honorary Justice League of America membership card?
SheldonIt's been in every wallet I've owned since I was five.
SheldonIt says "keep this on your person at all times." (Someone knocks on the door; Leonard goes get it) it's right here under Batman's signature.
(Raj and Howard enter. Raj is holding a laptop; he's webchatting with his parents.)
RajAnd this is Leonard and Sheldon's apartment.
HowardGuess whose parents just got broadband.
RajLeonard, may I present, live from New Delhi, Dr. And Mrs. V. M. Koothrappali.
Dr. KoothrappaliTilt up the camera up! I'm looking at his crotch.
RajSorry, papa.
Dr. KoothrappaliOh, that's much better. Hi!
RajAnd over here is Sheldon. Hi! (Sheldon waves his hand) He lives with Leonard.
Mrs. KoothrappaliOh, that's nice. Like Haroon and Tanvir.
RajNo, no. Not like Haroon and Tanvir.
Mrs. KoothrappaliSuch sweet young men. They just adopted the cutest little Punjabi baby.
LeonardYeah. No, we're not like Haroon and Tanvir.
Dr. KoothrappaliSo, are you boys academics like our son?
Leonard and SheldonYes.
Dr. KoothrappaliAnd your parents are comfortable with your limited earning potential?
SheldonOh, yes.
LeonardNot at all.
RajPapa, please. Don't start.
Dr. KoothrappaliIt was just a question. (To Raj's mother) He's so sensitive.
RajOkay, that's my life. That's my friends. Good to see you. Say goodbye.
Leonard and SheldonBye.
Dr. KoothrappaliWait! Wait! Before you go, we have good news. Put the computer down and gather your friends.
(Raj walks to a couch, sits down, and puts the laptop on the coffee table).
RajWhat is it, papa?
Dr. Koothrappalifriends.
(They round)
HowardIs it just me, or does web chatting with your clothes on seem a little pointless?
Mrs. KoothrappaliRajesh, do you remember Lalita Gupta?
RajThe little fat girl that used to kick me in the samosas and call me untouchable?
Mrs. KoothrappaliYes. Well, now she's a dental student at USC, so we gave her your contact information.
RajWhy did you do that?
Dr. KoothrappaliYou're 26 years old, Rajesh. We want grandchildren.
RajBut, papa, I'm not supposed...
Mrs. KoothrappaliLalita's parents approved the match.
Dr. KoothrappaliIf you decide on a spring wedding, we can avoid monsoon season.
RajA spring wedding?
Mrs. KoothrappaliIt's up to you, dear. We don't want to meddle.
RajIf you don't want to meddle, then why are you meddling?
SheldonIf I may, your parents probably don't consider this meddling. While arranged marriages are no longer the norm, Indian parents continue to have a greater-than-average involvement in their children's love lives.
RajWhy are you telling me about my own culture?
SheldonYou seemed confused.
RajSorry, mommy, papa, but with all due respect, I really don't want to...
Mrs. KoothrappaliI'm sorry, darling. We have to go. Doogie Howser is on. Grandma! It's Doogie time! Byebye!
Raj(Closes the laptop) I don't believe it.
HowardNeither do I. Doogie Howser's been off the air for like 20 years.
LeonardActually, I read somewhere that it's one of the most popular programs in India.
SheldonIt might speak to a cultural aspiration to have one's children enter the medical profession.
LeonardI bet you're right.
HowardI bet they love Scrubs.
SheldonWhat's not to love?
RajExcuse me! Hello? My parents are trying to marry me off to a total stranger. What am I going to do?
SheldonI suggest you go through with it.
SheldonRomantic love as the basis for marriage has only existed since the 19th century. Up until then, arranged marriages were the norm, and it served society quite well.
HowardIt's the entire premise of Fiddler on the Roof.
LeonardI'm not a big fan of musicals, but I love that show.
HowardMe too. Of course, it speaks to me culturally.
SheldonUnderstandable, but there's a universality to that story which transcends ethnicity.
HowardLet's not forget it's got some really catchy tunes.
LeonardOh yeah! Of course.
RajOkay, I know what I'm gonna do.
RajFind new friends. (Storms off)
HowardSo who wants to rent Fiddler?
SheldonNo need, we have the special edition.
LeonardWell, maybe we are like Haroon and Tanvir. The living room. Sheldon(On phone) This is dr. Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I need to cancel my membership to the planetarium. Well, I'm sorry, too, but there's just no room for you in my wallet. I understand, but it was between you and the museum of natural history, and frankly, you don't have dinosaurs. I'll miss you, too. Bye-bye. (To Leonard and Howard) Okay, I know you're texting about me and I'd really like you to stop.
Raj(Enters) Oh, dear, I am rightly and truly screwed.
LeonardHey, I thought you were finding new friends.
RajI've got some feelers out. In the meantime, listen to this. "Hi, Rajesh. This is Lalita Gupta. Uh, your mother gave my mother your phone number to give to me. So, I'm calling you and, uh, call me back. Bye." Can you believe how pushy she is?
LeonardSo don't call her.
RajIf I don't call her, I won't hear the end of it from my parents.
LeonardSo call her.
RajHow can I call her? You know I can't talk to women.
LeonardI'm done. Anybody else?
HowardGive me the phone.
HowardJust give it to me. (Dials)
RajWhat are you doing?
HowardDon't worry. You'll thank me. (On phone, in an Indian accent) Hello, Lalita? Raj Koothrappali here. Yes, it is good to talk to you, too. So what are you wearing? Oh, not important. Uh, so, anyhow, when would you like to meet? Friday works for me! And I'll call you with a time and place. But in the meantime, keep it real, babe. (Hangs up; to Raj) You may now thank me. (Tosses Raj the phone)
RajFor what? Making me sound like a Simpsons character?
HowardFine. Next time make your own date.
RajI didn't want to make this one!
LeonardLook on the bright side, she might turn out to be a nice, beautiful girl.
RajGreat, then we'll get married, I won't be able to talk to her and we'll spend the rest of our lives in total silence.
HowardIt worked for my parents.
Penny(Enters) Hi, guys.
LeonardOh, hey.
PennyI need some guinea pigs.
SheldonOkay, there's a lab animal supply company in Reseda you could try. But if your research is going to have human applications, may I suggest white mice instead? Their brain chemistry is far closer to ours.
PennyI swear to god, Sheldon, one day, I'm going to get the hang of talking to you.
LeonardHis mom's been saying that for years. What's up?
PennyWell, I finally convinced the restaurant to give me a bartending shift, so I need to practice mixing drinks.
LeonardOh, great. Well, the key to acquiring proficiency in any task is repetition.
SheldonWith certain obvious exceptions. Suicide, for example.
PennySo, Leonard, how about it?
LeonardYou know, Penny, we'd love to help you, but Raj is going through some stuff right now. Besides, he doesn't drink, so... (Raj whispers something in his ear) Really? Um, Raj is going through some stuff right now and he'd like to take up drinking. Penny's apartment. PennyOkay, here you go, Leonard. One Tequila Sunrise.
LeonardThank you. You know, this drink is a wonderful example of how liquids with different specific gravities interact in a cylindrical container. Thank you.
PennyOkay, Raj, what'll it be? (Raj whispers something in Leonard's ear)
LeonardWhatever you recommend.
PennyUh, how about a Grasshopper? I make a mean Grasshopper. (Raj nods his agreement)
PennyOkay? Good. Coming up. Sheldon, what are you gonna have?
SheldonI'll have a Diet Coke.
PennyOkay, can you please order a cocktail? I need to practice mixing drinks.
SheldonFine. I'll have a virgin Cuba Libre.
PennyThat's, um, rum and coke without the rum.
SheldonYes. And would you make it diet?
PennyThere's a can in the fridge.
SheldonA Cuba Libre traditionally comes in a tall glass with a lime wedge.
PennyThen swim to Cuba.
SheldonBartenders are supposed to have people skills.
PennyOkay. Raj, here you go. All right. Who's next?
HowardI'd like to try a Slippery Nipple.
PennyOkay, you're cut off. Anybody need a refill?
RajWhere did my life go, Penny? (Penny is stunned) One day I'm a carefree bachelor, and the next I'm married and driving a minivan to Pee Wee cricket matches in suburban New Delhi.
PennyAre, are you talking to me?
RajIs there another Penny here? I had such plans. I had dreams. I was going to be the Indira Gandhi of particle astrophysics. But with a penis, of course.
LeonardIt's amazing.
RajEver since I was a little boy, my father wanted me to be a gynecologist like him. How can I be a gynecologist? I can barely look a woman in the eye! You know what? I'm not going to let my parents control my future any longer. It's time for a showdown. Somebody give me a computer with a webcam!
PennyOkay, sweetie, I think that's the Grasshopper talking.
RajAnd it's about to tell my parents that I'm not riding an elephant down the aisle with Lalita Gupta.
PennyOkay, calm down. Look, no one can make you get married. Why don't you just meet this girl and see what happens?
RajHaven't you been listening to me? I cannot talk to women.
LeonardUm, Raj...
HowardNo, no, let's see how long it takes him.
PennyUm, Raj, honey, you say you can't talk to women, but you've been talking to me.
SheldonAnd now we'll never know.
RajYou're right. I... I am talking to you. Hello, Penny, how are you? (They shake hands violently)
PennyI'm fine.
RajOkay, now I just need to make sure I have a Lalita before I meet the Grasshopper. It's a sweet, green miracle.
PennyOkay, if you're gonna drink on this date, just promise me you won't overdo it.
RajOverdo what? Happiness? Freedom? This warm glow inside of me that promises everything's going to be all hunky-dunky?
PennyYeah, that. Why don't you bring her to my restaurant while I'm tending the bar so I can keep an eye on you.
LeonardWait a minute. What's the plan here? Let's say he meets her, he likes her, they get married. What's he gonna do, stay drunk for the rest of his life?
HowardWorked for my parents. Cheesecake Factory. RajI can't believe I'm sitting here next to little Lalita Gupta.
LalitaWell, you are.
RajLittle Lalita. That's kind of fun to say. Little Lalita, little Lalita, little Lalita. You should try it.
LalitaOh, it's okay.
RajYou have lost so much weight. That must have been difficult for you because you were so, so fat. Do you remember?
LalitaYes, I do.
RajOf course you do. Who could forget being that fat?
LalitaWell, I've been trying.
RajSo you're a dental student. Mm, are you aware that dentists have an extremely high suicide rate? Not as high as, say, air traffic controllers, but, then, there are far more dentists than air traffic controllers, so in pure numbers, you're still winning.
LalitaYay, me.
Leonard(At the bar; to Penny) Do you have a drink that will make him less obnoxious?
PennyDrinks do not work that way.
HowardI'd say he's doing fine. Look at her. The last girl my mom set me up with had a mustache and a vestigial tail.
SheldonSorry I'm late.
LeonardWhat happened?
SheldonNothing. I just really didn't wanna come. (To Penny) Virgin Diet Cuba Libre, please.
SheldonIn a tall glass with a lime wedge.
PennyOh, I'll wedge it right in there.
SheldonSo, how's Koothrappali... Oh, my lord.
SheldonThat's Princess Panchali.
LeonardI'm pretty sure her name's Lalita.
SheldonNo, no, Princess Panchali, from The Monkey and the Princess.
HowardOh, yeah. I tried to watch that online, but they wanted my credit card.
SheldonIt's a children's story.
HowardOh, no, it isn't.
SheldonWhen I was a little boy and got sick, which was most of the time, my mother would read it to me. It's about an Indian princess who befriends a monkey who was mocked by all the other monkeys because he was different. For some reason I related to it quite strongly.
PennyI know the reason.
LeonardWe all know the reason. Sheldon, what are you getting at?
SheldonThat woman looks exactly like the pictures of Princess Panchali in the book. How often does one see a beloved fictional character come to life?
HowardEvery year at Comic-Con. Every day at Disneyland. You can hire Snow White to come to your house. Of course, they prefer it if you have a kid.
RajHey, guys. This is Lalita Gupta. Lalita, this is Leonard and Sheldon and Howard and Penny. Isn't it great? She isn't fat anymore.
SheldonForgive me, your highness, for I am but a monkey, and it is in my nature to climb. I did not mean to gaze upon you as you comb your hair.
LalitaI'm sorry?
SheldonYou are the living embodiment of the beautiful Princess Panchali.
LalitaOh, no kidding. Who... who is that?
SheldonA beloved character from an Indian folktale.
LalitaOh. Us Indian or "come to our casino" Indian?
SheldonYou indian.
SheldonThe resemblance is remarkable. I can practically smell the lotus blossoms woven into your ebony hair.
LalitaWell, thanks. I imagine you smell very nice, too.
SheldonI shower twice a day and wash my hands as often as I can.
LalitaReally? So do I.
RajBu-but you're a dentist. He's nuts.
LalitaDon't be insulting, Rajesh. So, Sheldon, tell me more about this princess you say I look like.
SheldonIt was said that the gods fashioned her eyes out of the stars and that roses were ashamed to bloom in the presence of her ruby lips.
LalitaOh, my.
RajBack off, Sheldon.
RajIf you do not stop hitting on my lady, you will feel the full extent of my wrath.
SheldonI'm not hitting on her.
LalitaAnd I am not your lady.
HowardAnd you have no wrath.
RajYou are my lady. Our parents said so. We are for all intents and purposes 100% hooked up.
LalitaOkay, let's get something straight here. The only reason I came tonight was to get my parents off my case. I certainly don't need to be getting this old-world crap from you.
SheldonThat's exactly the kind of spirit with which Princess Panchali led the monkeys to freedom.
RajScrew Princess Panchali.
LalitaHey, you can't talk to me like that.
RajBut you're not Princess Panchali.
SheldonLuckily for you; she could have you beheaded.
LalitaSheldon, are you hungry?
SheldonI could eat.
LalitaLet's go. (Pulls him away)
RajWhat just happened?
LeonardBeats the hell out of me.
HowardI'll tell you what happened. I just learned how to pick up Indian chicks. The living room. Mrs. KoothrappaliWhat are we supposed to say to Lalita's parents?
Dr. KoothrappalikI play golf with her father. I won't be able to look at him.
RajMaybe you should keep your eye on the ball, papa.
Dr. KoothrappaliOh, now you're a funny man? This is not funny, Mr. Funny man.
LeonardDr. and Mrs. Koothrappali, in all fairness, it wasn't entirely Raj's fault.
Dr. KoothrappaliThis is a family matter, Sheldon.
LeonardNo, I'm Leonard.
Dr. KoothrappaliOh, sorry. You all look alike to us.
RajBut he's right, papa. Listen to him. (Sheldon enters; to Sheldon) You! You are the one who ruined everything.
Mrs. KoothrappaliWho is it? We can't see.
Dr. KoothrappaliTurn us. Turn us.
RajGo ahead, tell my parents why they won't have any grandchildren.
SheldonHow would I know? Do you have a low sperm count?
RajThis has nothing to do with my sperm count.
Mrs. KoothrappaliYou are wearing the boxers that we sent you, aren't you, Rajesh?
RajYes, mommy.
Mrs. KoothrappaliBecause you know what happens to the samosas when you wear tighty-whiteys.
RajCan we please stop talking about my testicles? Sheldon, tell them what you did.
SheldonWhat did I do?
LeonardYou left with his date. Friends don't do that to each other.
SheldonOh. All right, noted. Sorry.
RajSorry? That's all you can say is sorry?
LeonardTake it, Raj. It's more than I've ever gotten.
SheldonAnd may I point out, she wouldn't have asked me to go with her if you hadn't been drunk and boring.
Dr. KoothrappaliDrunk?
SheldonAnd boring, her words.
Dr. KoothrappaliI knew it. He moves to America and becomes an alcoholic.
RajI'm-I'm not an alcoholic.
Dr. KoothrappaliThen why were you drunk?
RajIt was just this one time, papa, I swear.
Dr. KoothrappaliAre you in denial? Do we have to come over and do an intervention?
Mrs. KoothrappaliDon't embarrass him in front of his friends.
Dr. KoothrappaliAll right. Carry us outside. We want to talk to you in private.
RajBut, papa, please...
Dr. KoothrappaliNow, Rajesh!
RajI have to go.
Dr. KoothrappaliNow, listen to me...
RajAt least wait till I get into the hall. (Leaves)
SheldonOkay, well, good night.
LeonardHold on. What happened with you and Lalita?
SheldonWe ate, she lectured me on the link between gum disease and heart attacks - nothing I didn't already know, and I came home.
LeonardSo you're not gonna see her again?
SheldonWhy would I see her again? I already have a dentist.
LeonardI wonder who's going to tell his parents they're not having grandchildren? Cheesecake Factory. Sheldon is singing and playing the piano. SheldonTo life, to life, l'chaim, l'chaim, l'chaim, to life, life has a way of amusing us, blessing and bruising us, drink, l'chaim, to li...fe. (Drinks his "coke")
(To Life! (L'Chaim!) Fiddler On The Roof [lyrics])
LeonardI don't believe it. What's gotten into him?
PennyOh, maybe a couple Virgin Cuba Libres that turned out to be kind of slutty. (Shakes a bottle of liquor)
LeonardYou didn't.
PennyHey, you do your experiments. I do mine.