First floor of the building and the staircase.
LeonardNo, see, the liquid-metal Terminators were created in the future by Skynet, and Skynet was developed by Miles Dyson, but that future no longer exists due to Dyson's death in Terminator 2.
SheldonOkay, then read only this: assuming all the good terminators were originally evil terminators created by Skynet but then reprogrammed by the future John Connor, why would Skynet, an artificial computer intelligence, bother to create a petite, hot, 17-year-old killer robot?
LeonardSkynet is kinky? I don't know.
Sheldonartifici intelligences do not have teen fetishes.
LeonardAll right. Wait! They use it to-
SheldonToo late. I win.
(Penny is singing "Out Tonight", off-key)
LeonardWhat the hell is that?
SheldonI don't know, but if cats could sing, they'd hate it, too.
Penny(Singing) You wanna prowl, be my night owl, we'll take my head- (Leonard and Sheldon quickly run down the stairs) Hi. Hey, guys! Where are you going?
LeonardWhat? We just had to... mail some letters and throw away some chicken. (Motions to Sheldon to throw away the chicken in his bag; Sheldon reluctantlly dumps it into the garbage can)
PennyYou'll never guess what just happened.
LeonardOh, I-I give up.
SheldonI don't guess. As a scientist, I reach conclusions based on observation and experimentation. Although as I'm saying this, it occurs to me you may have been employing a rhetorical device rendering my response moot.
PennyWhat was that?
LeonardBelieve it or not, personal growth. (Gives Sheldon a nod of approval; to Penny) What happened?
PennyAll right, remember when I auditioned for that workshop production of Rent, but I didn't get it and I couldn't figure out why?
SheldonI have a conclusion based on an observion.
LeonardNo, you don't. (To Penny) No, he doesn't.
PennyWell, the girl they picked to play Mimi, she dropped out, and they asked me to replace her.
LeonardCongratulations. What a lucky break.
PennyIt-it's not that big a deal, it's just a one-night showcase, but they invite a lot of casting people and agents. So, you never know.
SheldonI think I know.
LeonardNo, you don't. (To Penny) He doesn't.
PennyIt's this Friday night at 8:00. You guys wanna come?
LeonardBecause... uh, Friday we are attending a symposium on molecular positronium.
SheldonI think that's a week from Tuesday, at 6.
LeonardNo, it's this Friday. At 8.
PennyOh, too bad. Well, I gotta get to rehearsal. See you guys.
(Penny sings and leaves)
SheldonYou just lied to Penny.
LeonardYes, I did.
SheldonAnd you did it so casually- no rapid breathing, no increase in perspiration.
SheldonSo, lack of a physiological response while lying is characteristic of a violent sociopath.
LeonardSheldon, are you worried about your safety?
SheldonNo, I imagine if you were going to kill me, you'd have done it a long time ago.
LeonardThat's very true. (Climbs up the staircase)
(Sheldon hesitates for a while, picks up the chicken out of the garbage can, blows onto it, and then goes up the staircase)
In front of Leonard's bedroom.
SheldonLeonard? Leonard? Leonard?
SheldonI need to speak to you.
LeonardIt's 2 o'clock in the morning!
LeonardI highly doubt that. Go away. (Pauses) Are you still out there?
Leonard(Opens the door) What?
SheldonYou're right; it can wait until morning.
Leonard(Frustrated; follows him into the living room) What, what, what, what, what?
SheldonNever mind. I clearly woke you up in the middle of a rem cycle. You're in no state of mind to talk.
LeonardSheldon, what is it?
SheldonI'm uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny.
LeonardWhat was I supposed to say?
SheldonYou could've told her the truth.
LeonardThat would have hurt her feelings.
SheldonIs that a relevant factor?
SheldonThen I suppose you could've agreed to go.
LeonardAnd what would I've said afterwards?
SheldonI would suggest something to the effect of: singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you, and if you disagree, I'd recommend you have a cat scan to look for a tumor pressing on the cognitive processing centers of your brain.
LeonardI couldn't say that. I would have to say, "you were terrific and I can't wait to hear you sing again."
LeonardThat's the social protocol. It's what you do when you have a friend who's proud of something they really suck at.
SheldonI was not aware of that.
LeonardWell, now you are.
SheldonOh. Alright. Leonard?
SheldonWhen we played chess earlier, you were terrific, and I can't wait to play you again. Good night.
In front of Leonard's bedroom, still at night.
SheldonLeonard? Leonard? Leonard?
LeonardOh, this would be so much easier if i were a violent sociopath. (Opens the door) What?
SheldonI was analyzing our lie, and I believe we're in danger of Penny seeing through the ruse.
SheldonSimple. If she were to log onto www.socalphysixsgroup.org/activities/other, click on "upcoming events, " scroll down to "seminars, " download the pdf schedule, and look for the seminar on molecular positronium, well then, bippity, boppity, boo-- our pants are metaphorically on fire. (Leonard slams the door in his face) Well, sir, my trousers will not be igniting today.
Hallway in front of apartments.
SheldonPenny? Penny? Penny? (Penny opens the door and sighs) Good morning.
PennyDo you have any idea what time it is?
SheldonOf course I do. My watch is linked to the atomic clock in Boulder, Colorado. It's accurate to one-tenth of a second. But as I'm saying this, it occurs to me that, once again, your question may have been rhetorical.
PennyWhat do you want?
SheldonRemember how Leonard told you we couldn't come to your performance because we were attending a symposium on molecular positronium?
PennyI remember "symposium."
SheldonYes. Well, he lied.
SheldonHe lied, and I'm feeling very uncomfortable about it.
PennyWell, imagine how I'm feeling.
SheldonHungry? Tired? I'm sorry, this really isn't my strong suit.
The living room.
LeonardYou told her I lied? Why would you tell her I lied?
SheldonTo help you.
LeonardI'm sorry, I'm not seeing the help.
SheldonShe was going to see through your lie eventually, so I told her that you were lying to protect me.
LeonardOhh... I'm getting a bad feeling.
SheldonHunger? Indigestion? I'm sorry, I'm really not very good at this. Anyway, Penny now believes that, on Friday night, we're going to participate in my cousin Leopold's drug intervention.
LeonardYour cousin Leopold.
SheldonWho most people call Leo, but he also answers to Lee. Remember that. It's important.
SheldonDetails, Leonard. The success or failure of our deceitful enterprise turns on details.
LeonardDo you have a cousin Leopold?
SheldonNo. I made him up. I think you'd call him Lee.
LeonardI don't get it. I already told her a lie. Why, why replace it with a different lie?
SheldonWell, first of all, your lie was laughably transparent, where mine is exquisitely convoluted. While you were sleeping, I was weaving an un-unravelable web.
SheldonYes. If she googles "Leopold Houston, " she'll find a Facebook page, an online blog depicting his descent into drug use and a desperate yet hopeful listing on eharmony.com.
LeonardOkay, why would I go to a drug intervention for your cousin?
SheldonBecause it's in Long Beach, and I don't drive.
LeonardWe're going to Long Beach?
SheldonNo, of course not. There's no cousin Leo, there's no intervention. Focus, Leonard.
LeonardAw, come on.
SheldonWe just leave the house on Friday night and we return in the wee hours, emotionally wrung out, from the work of convincing Leo to go back into rehab.
LeonardHe goes back into rehab?
SheldonYes, but, he can relapse if Penny ever invites us to hear her sing again.
LeonardYou still told her I lied.
SheldonYeah, for a noble purpose - to spare me the social embarrassment of having a drug-addled first cousin - which I'm assuming is embarrassing, yes?
LeonardHow am I supposed to member all of this?
SheldonOh, that's the best part. You don't have to. See, I told Penny that you would be embarrassed if you knew that she found out that you had lied, so she's agreed to operate as if the original lie is still in force.
SheldonSo she's expecting me to lie about going to a symposium in Pasadena, when, in actuality, we're pretending to go to a drug intervention in Long Beach.
In the doorway of Leonard and Sheldon's apartment.
LeonardOh, hey, Penny. Wow, look at you, all ready for your showcase. You look great.
PennyThanks. I just wanted to come by and wish you guys luck with your... symposium.
LeonardOh. Well, thank you.
PennyYou know, I gotta tell you, a lot of friends would let their friend go alone, but that's not who you are. You are the kinda guy who stands by a friend when... (Glances at Sheldon) when he has a symposium to go to.
Leonard(Avoiding her eyes) I don't know what to say.
PennyIt's okay, Leonard. (Hugs him)
LeonardOh, okay, all right, good, good.
[Howard and Raj enter]
HowardOh, boy, group hug. (Penny stops him by saying "uh-uh, uh-uh") Okay.
RajSo, what's up?
SheldonWell, Penny is on her way to perform in a one-night showcase production of Rent, which we are unable to attend, because we're going to a symposium on molecular positronium given by Dr. Emil Farman-Farmian.
HowardWait a minute, Farman-farmian is speaking and you're Bogarting the symposium?
LeonardHoward, I'm sorr-
HowardNo, no, you're quark-blocking us.
LeonardI don't know what to say.
HowardNo, it's okay. It's your Millennium Falcon. You and Chewbacca do whatever you wanna do. Me and Princess Leia here will find some other way to spend the evening.
PennyHoward, wait. Sheldon, I think we should tell them.
SheldonOkay, sure. I-I don't see a problem with that.
PennyThere's no symposium. Leonard lied to me. Isn't that right, Leonard?
LeonardWell. I don't know what to say!
PennyIt's okay; I do. Look, Leonard is helping Sheldon through a family crisis. He made up the whole story about the symposium with Dr. Farman...Farmian.
SheldonGood for you.
PennyHa, I am! Because he didn't want Sheldon to be embarrassed. And there is nothing to be embarrassed about, okay? Every family in America has a relative holed up in a garage somewhere huffing paint thinner.
Howard(Raj whispers something in his ear) No, I'm lost, too. I think she skipped a step.
PennyNo, look. Sheldon's cousin Leo escaped rehab, and he's in a Motel 8 in Long Beach. The whole family's going out for an intervention. Leonard is driving Sheldon down there to help him through this, because he's such a good man. (Hugs him again)
LeonardOh, another hug? Thank you.
PennyAll right, you guys, good luck.
LeonardThanks, Penny. Oh, break a leg.
SheldonBreak a leg.
HowardSo, road trip to Long Beach.
LeonardNo. We're not going to Long Beach.
LeonardBecause Sheldon doesn't have a drug-addicted cousin Leopold.
RajOh, too bad. I've always wanted to go to Long Beach.
SheldonIt's a very nice community.
The Queen Mary is docked there. Once the largest ocean liner in the world, it's now a hotel and restaurant, where they host a surprisingly gripping murder mystery dinner.
SheldonNo, no, no. Leonard gets nauseous unless he sits in front, and even then, it's iffy.
LeonardWait, are we really going to Long Beach? (Also leaves)
Leonard's bedroom. Sheldon knocks at the door.
SheldonLeonard? Leonard? Leonard?
LeonardLet it go, Sheldon. The murderer was the first mate whether it makes sense to you or not.
Sheldon(Enters) No, that's the least of our worries. I've been doing some research on addiction, both the biochemical and behavioral aspects, and I think there's a problem with the current version of our lie.
LeonardWhat are you talking about? It's fine; she bought it; it's over. (Rolls over to the other side of the bed and covers his ear with a pillow. Sheldon runs to the side)
SheldonSadly, it's not. Substance abuse is a lifelong struggle, but beyond that, I have realized that the Leo I described would not have agreed to go to rehab.
Leonard(Muffled) Why not?
SheldonBecause Leo's a middle child.
LeonardThere is no Leo! How can you say that? (Rolls again; Sheldon runs again)
SheldonYou didn't read the bio, did you? He's not just a middle child, he is the quintessential middle child, from a broken home, to boot. (Lifts Leonard's pillow) Psychologically speaking, the attention he gets by rebelling, even to the point of self-destruction, is more emotionally valuable than the help he would get at rehab.
LeonardI've got a solution.
SheldonGreat. What is it?
SheldonFine. (Re-enters) I've hesitated to point this out, but I must now remind you that we are in our current predicament because of your initial and totally inadequate deceit. I'm just trying to clean up after your mess. (Slams the door and leaves just before Leonard throws a cup at him. The cup bangs on the door and breaks into pieces) We'll talk in the morning.
The living room. Some guy is sitting at the kitchen counter, eating a bowl of cereal.
LeonardWho are you?
LeoI am Sheldon's cousin Leo.
LeonardAw God! Sheldon does not have a cousin Leo.
LeoAu contraire. I'm 26 years old. I'm originally from... (Reads from a sheet of paper) Denton, Texas, but I was a navy brat, so I was brought up on a variety of military bases around the world. As a result, I've often felt like an outsider, never really fitting in, which is probably the reason for my substance abuse problem.
Sheldon(Appears) Excuse me, we just went over this. As the quintessential middle child, your addiction is rooted in your unmet need for attention.
LeoOh, Sheldon, are we really gonna go with pop psychology?
SheldonFor your information, this is all based on solid research. Just stick with the character profile I wrote for you.
SheldonI'm sorry. Leonard, this is Toby Loobenfeld. He's a research assistant in the particle physics lab, but he also minored in theater at MIT.
LeoIt was more of a double major, actually. Theater and physics. You can guess which one my bourgeois parents pushed me toward.
LeonardYeah, I got it. Sheldon. Why?
SheldonYou see, while Leo would not have gone into rehab, it is completely plausible that we would have talked him into leaving the motel and coming home with us.
LeoSheldon, how about this as my motivation: when I was 14 years old, I was abused in the Philippines by a clubfooted navy chaplain.
SheldonNo. We're going with middle child and a genetic predisposition to inadequate serotonin production.
LeoSwell. How do I play genetic predisposition?
SheldonSubtextually, of course. (Someone knocks on the door) just have fun with it. (Goes to get it) Morning, Penny.
PennyHi. How did the intervention go?
SheldonUnfortunately, we weren't able to convince him to go to rehab.
PennyWell, based on what you told me, I am not surprised.
Sheldon(Triumphantly glances at Leonard, who is upset) But we did convince him to leave the motel. Come say hello. Leo. This is Penny, our friend and neighbor.
PennyHi, leo. How are you feeling?
LeoLet me ask you something, Penny. Have you ever woken up in a fleabag motel covered in your own vomit, next to a transsexual prostitute?
LeoThen don't ask me how I'm feeling. (Penny looks at Sheldon)
LeonardWell, that's Leo. Hey, why don't you tell me about your showcase last night.
PennyOh, it was okay, I guess. It wasn't a big turnout, but they both really seemed to like it.
LeonardThere were only two people there?
PennyBy the end, yeah.
LeoDamn you, chaplain Harrigan! (Covers his mouth)
PennyI'm- I'm sorry?
LeoThe Philippines. (Stands up) 1992. (Slowly goes over to Penny) The Subic bay naval station. A young boy on the cusp of manhood. His only companions, mongrel dogs and malarial mosquitoes. Desperate and alone, he reached out to a man who promised to introduce him to a merciful, loving god, but who instead introduced him to a gin-pickled tongue shoved down his adolescent throat. What choice did he have but to drink, shoot and snort his pain away?
Sheldon(Goes over to Toby) Don't forget his genetic predisposition towards addiction.
LeoThat's never been proven.
SheldonThere have been studies.
LeoNot double-blind studies.
SheldonHow could there be a double-blind study? Who would be the control group?
LeonardAs you can see, detoxing can get pretty ugly. Let's give them some privacy.
PennyYeah. Hey, do you wanna come over to my place, have coffee?
LeonardOh, sounds good.
PennyI have a video of me singing last night. Do you wanna see it?
LeonardGee, why wouldn't I?
PennyThis is even better than you coming to the showcase, because now I get to watch you watch me.
LeonardYeah. Funny how things work out.
LeoBut he loved the companionship and the wisdom that his own father failed to provide.
SheldonYour parents made the right decision. (Storms off)
LeoI cannot work like this.
The living room. Penny and Leo are sitting on the couch, watching a movie.
LeoThis is amazing. Just sitting on a couch watching TV with a woman. Not being drunk or, or high or wondering if you're a dude down there.
PennyLeo, you are a very sweet, really funny guy. You're gonna do okay.
LeoOne day at a time, Penny. (Leans his head on Penny's shoulder) One day at a time.
(Sheldon and Leonard are standing behind the kitchen counter, watching them)
LeonardHow long is he going to stay here?
SheldonHe's a homeless drug addict, Leonard. Where is he going to go? Boy, you have a lot to learn about lying.