The living room.
SheldonThis sandwich is an unmitigated disaster. I asked for turkey and roast beef, with lettuce and Swiss on whole wheat.
RajWhat did they give you?
SheldonTurkey and roast beef with Swiss and lettuce on whole wheat. (Everyone looks at him) It's the right ingredients, but in the wrong order. In a proper sandwich, the cheese is adjacent to the bread to create a moisture barrier against the lettuce. They might as well have dragged this thing through a car wash. (Throws it back into the box)
Leonard(Looking at his laptop) I don't believe it.
SheldonI know. It's basic culinary science.
LeonardSome guy is auctioning off a miniature time machine prop from the original film, and no one is bidding on it.
HowardA time machine from the movie the time machine?
LeonardNo. A time machine from Sophie's Choice.
RajBoy, Sophie could've used a time machine in that movie. Did you see it? It's rough.
HowardOh, that's cool.
RajIt's only $800?
LeonardYeah. That's my bid.
SheldonYou bid $800?
LeonardIt was a spur-of-the-moment thing. I figured it would go for thousands, and I just wanted to be a part of it.
SheldonThere's only 30 seconds left in the auction.
HowardDo you have $800?
LeonardNot to blow on a miniature time machine.
HowardWell, don't worry. The way these things work is people wait until the last second to bid, and then they swoop in and get it. It's called sniping.
LeonardCome on, snipers.
RajTen, nine, eight...
LeonardWhere are your snipers?
RajCongratulations! You are the proud owner of a miniature time machine.
HowardYou lucky duck.
SheldonI wonder why no one else bid. This is a classic piece of sci-fi movie memorabilia.
LeonardYeah, I know! I still can't afford it.
HowardWhy don't we share it? We'll each put in 200 bucks, and we'll take turns having it in our house.
RajA time-share time machine. I'm in. Sheldon?
SheldonNeed you ask?
SheldonI still don't understand why no one else bid.
[Time lapses. The guys are at the first floor, looking at the time machine. It's big.]
SheldonI understand why no one else bid.
Continued from earlier.
RajDid the listing actually say "miniature"?
LeonardI just assumed. Who sells a full-size time machine for $800?
SheldonIn a Venn diagram, that would be an individual located within the intersection of the sets "no longer want my time machine" and "need $800."
HowardIt's actually a tremendous bargain. Even with shipping, it works out to less than four dollars a pound.
RajCocktail shrimp are $12.50.
LeonardHow are we gonna get it upstairs?
HowardIf we take the dish off, it might fit in the elevator.
LeonardYes, but the elevator's been broken for two years.
SheldonI've been meaning to ask you. Do you think we should make a call about that?
HowardNot necessary. I have a master's in engineering. I remotely repair satellites on a regular basis. I troubleshoot space shuttle payloads. When the Mars rover started pulling to the left, I performed a front-end alignment from 62 million miles away. (Pushes the button) No. That baby's broken.
LeonardCome on, guys! Push!
HowardIf I push any harder, I'm gonna give birth to my colon.
RajI can't feel my fingers. Hurry up!
SheldonIt's the same amount of work no matter how fast you go. Basic physics.
RajIf my fingers ever work again, I've got a job for the middle one. (In Western culture, the middle finger is an obscene hand gesture [Wiki])
Penny(Comes out of her apartment) Oh. Hey, guys. (Leonard and Sheldon stand up and let go of the time machine)
LeonardOh. Hi, Penny. (Raj and Howard scream) Take a break, guys.
PennyWhat are you doing?
LeonardWe're just, you know, moving something upstairs.
PennyWhat is it?
LeonardJust... you know. Time machine.
PennyYeah. Okay. Neat. But I really gotta get to work, so-
LeonardJust give us a few minutes.
PennyI don't have a few minutes. I'm running really late.
SheldonThen, I have a simple solution. Go up to thep roof. Hop over to the next building. There's a small gap, don't look down if you're subject to vertigo and use their stairwell.
PennyYou're joking, right?
SheldonOh, I never joke when it comes to vertigo.
PennyDamn. (Looks at her watch) Okay, I'll just take the roof.
LeonardHey, if you wait for us to set up the time machine, I can drop you off at work yesterday. (Penny is not amused) Time travel joke. It's not... never mind.
SheldonFor what it's worth, I thought it was humorous.
LeonardLet's just do this. You guys ready to push?
RajIn a minute. Howard stepped outside to throw up.
The living room. They're looking at the time machine thoughtfully.
SheldonI don't know what you were worried about. I think it really works in the room.
LeonardYeah. It is by far the coolest thing I have ever owned.
SheldonThe exact time machine that carried actor Rod Taylor from Victorian England into the post-apocalyptic future, where society had splintered into two factions: The subterranean Morlocks, who survived by feasting on the flesh of the gentle surface-dwelling Eloi.
HowardTalk about your chick magnets.
RajOh yeah. The guy who lives next to me is always like, "I have a Jacuzzi on my balcony. I have a Jacuzzi on my balcony." But wait until I tell him, "I've got a time machine on my balcony. Stuff that in your Speedos, Jacuzzi Bob."
SheldonGentlemen, I know we said we'd take turns, but I think you'll agree that practicality dictates it remain here.
HowardYou can't just keep it here. What if I meet a girl and say, "you wanna come up and see my time machine? It's at my friends' house." How lame is that?
RajHe's got a point.
SheldonAll right, I think we're going to need some ground rules; in addition to the expected "no shoes in the time machine, " and "no eating in the time machine, " I propose we add "pants must be worn at all times in the time machine."
HowardI was gonna put down a towel.
RajI still want it on my balcony. I say we move it on a bimonthly basis.
LeonardYeah, that sounds fair.
SheldonYeah hold on, bimonthly is an ambiguous term. Do you mean move it every other month or twice a month?
RajTwice a month.
RajOkay, every other month.
LeonardSheldon, you can't be selfish. We all paid for it, so it belongs to all of us. Now get out of the way so I can sit in my time machine.
[Leonard turns it on; the lights come on. The guys gasp "Ohh"]
LeonardOkay, I am setting the dials for March 10, 1876.
HowardGood choice, Alexander Graham Bell invents the telephone and calls out for Dr. Watson.
SheldonWait a minute. I'd want to see that, too.
LeonardSo when it's your turn, you can.
SheldonBut if we all go back to the same point in time, Bell's lab is going to get very crowded. He'll know something's up.
RajAlso since the time machine doesn't move in space, you'll end up in 1876 Pasadena.
HowardAnd even if he can make it to Boston, what are you gonna do? Knock on the door and say to Mrs. Bell, "hey, Mrs. Bell. Big fan of your husband. Can I come in to watch him invent the telephone?"
RajMrs. Bell was deaf. She's not even gonna hear you knock.
SheldonI have a solution. First, go into the future and obtain a cloaking device.
RajOoh, how far into the future?
SheldonIf I remember correctly, Captain Kirk will steal a cloaking device from the Romulans on stardate 5027.3, which would be January 10, 2328 by pre-federation reckoning.
LeonardOkay, I am setting the dials for January 10, 2328. Here we go, into the future. (Pulls a lever. The dish on the machine spins. Raj, Howard and Shelown mimic fast motion.) That was fun.
Penny(Enters) Okay, first of all, what you call a gap was nearly three feet wide. I slipped and skinned my knee.
LeonardAre you okay?
PennySecond of all, the door to the stairwell of the other building was locked, so I had to go down the fire escape, which ends on the third floor, forcing me to crawl through the window of a lovely Armenian family who insisted I stay for lunch.
LeonardThat doesn't sound too bad.
PennyIt was eight courses of lamb, and they tried to fix me up with their son.
PennyNot done. By the time I finally got to work, they'd given my shift away. Yeah, that's right. I lost an entire day's pay thanks to this. This...
LeonardThe lights flash and the dish spins. You wanna try it?
PennyNo! I don't wanna try it! My god, you are grown men! How can you waste your lives with these stupid toys and costumes and comic books and... and now that?! That...
SheldonAgain. Time machine. (Leonard shakes his hand to mean "stop it")
PennyOh, please, it's not a time machine. If anything it looks like, something Elton John would drive through the Everglades.
SheldonIt only moves in time. It would be worse than useless in a swamp.
PennyPathetic! All of you! Completely pathetic! (Leaves)
Raj(Happily) My turn. (Pushes Leonard away, who is clearly upset)
[Time lapses. Leonard is sitting in the time machine, flicking the light switch.]
SheldonLeonard, it's 2 in the morning.
SheldonSo it's my turn. Why did you set it for the day before yesterday?
LeonardBecause I wanna go back and keep myself from getting a time machine.
SheldonYou can't. If you were to prevent yourself from buying it in the past, you would not have it available in the present to travel back and stop yourself from buying it. Ergo, you would still have it. This is a classic rookie time-travel mistake.
LeonardCan I go back and prevent you from explaining that to me?
SheldonSame paradox. If you were to travel back in time and, say, knock me unconscious, you would not then have the conversation that irritated you, motivating you to go back and knock me unconscious.
LeonardWhat if I knocked you unconscious right now?
SheldonIt won't change the past.
LeonardBut it'd make the present so much nicer.
SheldonAre you upset about something?
LeonardWhat was your first clue?
SheldonWell, it was a number of things. First, the late hour. Then your demeanor seems very low-energy, plus your irritability.
LeonardYes, I'm upset!
SheldonOh. I don't usually pick up on those things. Good for me.
LeonardYeah, good for you.
SheldonOh, wait. Did you wanna talk about what's bothering you?
LeonardI don't know. Maybe.
SheldonWow. I'm on fire tonight.
LeonardUh... here's the thing. Girls like Penny never end up with guys who own time machines.
SheldonI disagree. Your inability to successfully woo Penny long predates your acquisition of the time machine. That failure clearly stands on its own.
LeonardThanks for pointing it out.
SheldonIn addition, your premise is flawed. In the original film, Rod Taylor got Yvette Mimieux with that very time machine. In Back to the Future, Marty McFly got the opportunity to hook up with his extremely attractive young mother.
LeonardThose are movies.
SheldonOf course they're movies. Were you expecting me to come up with an example involving a real-life time machine? That's absurd.
LeonardCome on, guys, push!
HowardIf I push any harder, I'm gonna give birth to my colon.
PennyOh, hey, guys.
LeonardOh hi, Penny. Take a break, guys!
PennyWhat are you doing?
LeonardOh, you know, just moving a time machine.
PennyYeah. Okay, neat, but I really gotta get to work, so-
LeonardNo problem. (Takes his glasses off and throw them away; tears the tape off of the elevator; pulls the door open; stretches out his hand) Hang on.
Penny(Lets him hold her waist) But... what about your time machine?
LeonardSome things are more important than toys.
Penny(Holds him by the neck) I'm scared.
LeonardDon't worry, baby. I've got you.
PennyOh, Leonard. (Kisses him on the lip; they slowly go down)
(Leonard wakes up to find him sitting in the time machine)
SheldonIt's still my turn.
The living room.
SheldonWhat are you doing?
LeonardI'm packing up all my collectibles and taking them down to the comic book store to sell.
SheldonWas that really necessary? If you need money, you can always sell blood. And semen.
LeonardThis is not about money.
RajWe brought food!
HowardLox and bagels, the breakfast of time-travelers.
LeonardTerrific. Does anyone wanna buy my share of the time machine?
LeonardI don't want it anymore.
LeonardJust... personal reasons.
SheldonMy spidey sense tells me this has something to do with Penny.
LeonardLook, do you wanna buy me out or not?
RajI'll give you a hundred dollars, which will make me half-owner and we'll put it on my balcony.
HowardScrew his balcony. I'll give you 120 and we'll put it in my garage.
LeonardI paid $200 for my share.
RajDude, everybody knows a time machine loses half its value the minute you drive it off the lot. (They say that a new car loses half its value as soon as you drive it off the lot)
SheldonI'll go for 200. That time machine stays right where it is.
Raj300. and I'll throw in my original 1979 Mattel Millennium Falcon with real light speed sound effects.
LeonardNo. No more toys or action figures or props or replicas or costumes or robots or Darth Vader voice changers. I'm getting rid of all of it.
HowardYou can't do that. Look what you've created here. It's like nerdvana.
RajMore importantly, you have a Darth Vader voice changer?
LeonardNot for long.
RajOh, I call dibs on The Golden Age Flash.
HowardHang on. I need that to complete my Justice Society of America collection.
RajToo bad. I called dibs.
HowardYou can't just call dibs.
RajI can and I did. Look up "dibs" in wikipedia.
SheldonDibs doesn't apply in a bidding war.
LeonardIt's not a bidding war. I'm selling it all to Larry down at the comic book store.
RajWhy Larry? Did Larry call dibs?
HowardWill you forget dibs?!
LeonardHe offered me a fair price for the whole collection.
SheldonWhat's the number? I'll match it.
RajI'll match it plus a thousand rupees.
SheldonWhat's the exchange rate?
RajNone of your business. (To Leonard) Take or leave it?
Howard(On phone) Mom? My Bar Mitzvah bonds. How much do I got? Thanks. (Hangs up)
HowardI can go $2, 600 and two trees in Israel.
LeonardForget it, guys. If I sell to one of you, the other two are gonna be really mad at me.
SheldonWho cares? As long as you pick me!
RajOkay, Leonard, put down the box. Let's talk.
LeonardSorry, Raj. My mind is made up.
Sheldon(Blocks the staircase) No! I can't let you do this.
LeonardSheldon, get out of my way.
Sheldon(Draws a sword out of the box that Leonard is carrying) None shall pass!
LeonardOkay. I did not wanna do this, but I have here the rare mint condition production error Star Trek the next generation Geordi La Forge, without his VISOR in the original packaging. If you do not get out of my way, I will open it.
HowardOkay, man. Be cool. We're all friends here.
PennyWhat the hell's going on?
Sheldon(Points the sword at her) You hypocrite!
SheldonLittle Miss "Grown-ups don't play with toys." If I went into that apartment right now, would I not find Beanie Babies? Are you not an accumulator of Care Bears and My Little Ponies? And who is that Japanese feline I see frolicking on your shorts? Hello, Hello Kitty!
PennyOkay. Okay, look, if this is about yesterday, Leonard, I am really sorry about what I said. I was just upset.
LeonardNo, I needed to hear it.
PennyNo, you didn't. Look, you are a great guy and it is the things you love that make you who you are.
HowardI guess that makes me "large breasts."
LeonardStill, I think it's time for me to get rid of this stuff, and, you know, move on with my life.
PennyOh. Well, good for you. (Kisses him on the cheek)
LeonardThanks. Hey, do you wanna... I don't know, later...
Mike(Comes up the staircase, to Raj and Howard) Excuse me. Hey, Penny.
MikeYou ready to go?
PennyYeah, I just have to change.
MikeI'll give you a hand.
PennyOh, stop it! Bye, guys. (They enter her apartment)
LeonardMy turn on the time machine!
April, 28th, 802, 701.
SheldonIt worked. It really worked. They said I was mad, but it worked! (Some monters with yellow eyes appear) Oh, no! Not Morlocks! Not flesh-eating Morlocks! Help! Help! (Wakes up in the time machine)
LeonardSheldon, are you okay? We have to get rid of the time machine.
LeonardIt is a little big for the living room, isn't it?
SheldonYeah, that's the problem. It's too big.
LeonardI'm glad you agree. I hired some guys to help us move it. Come on in, fellas.
Sheldon(Two monters enter; the back of their T-shirts reads "STARVING MORLOCKS") Oh, no. Morlocks! (Points at Leonard) Eat him. Eat him. (Wakes up in his bed) Leonard!