The living room. Howard is teaching Sheldon Chinese.
HowardNo. It's 我的名字是Sheldon. (He's right)
Sheldon我的名字是Sheldon. (Makes a walk-down-stairs gesture [Tones])
Howard(Mocks him) What's this?
SheldonThat's what you did.
SheldonI assumed, as a number of languages the gesture was part of the phrase.
HowardWell, it's not.
SheldonWhy am I supposed to know that? As the teacher it's your obligation to separate your personal idiosyncrasies from the subject matter.
HowardYou know, I'm really glad you decided to learn Mandarin.
HowardOnce you're fluent you'll have a billion more people to annoy instead of me.
Sheldon(To Leonard) Mei Du Lu Yi Zi. (Waves his hand and smirks)
HowardYou just called Leonard a syphylitic donkey.
SheldonMy apologies, Leonard, I'm only as good as my teacher.
LeonardWhy are you learning Chinese?
SheldonI believe the Szechuan restaurant has been passing the orange chicken off as tangerine chicken and I intend to confront them.
LeonardIf I were you, I'd be more concerned with what they're passing off as chicken.
Penny(Enters) I need to use your window.
LeonardOh hey yeah no sure, go ahead.
Penny(Yells at someone) Hey jerk-face, you forgot your iPod. (Throws it out of the window and slam the window shut)
LeonardWhat's going on?
PennyOh, I'll tell you what's going on. That stupid self-centred bastard wrote about our sex life in his blog. (Goes back to the window) Drop dead, you stupid self-centred bastard! (To the guys) Thank you. (Leaves)
SheldonOkay, where were we?
HowardNot now, I have a blog to find. (Goes use Leonard's laptop)
The hallway. Leonard knocks at Penny's door.
LeonardPenny, are you okay?
PennyI'm fine, Leonard. Just go away.
LeonardLook, I understand that breaking up with someone can be very painful-
Penny(Yells) Go away!
LeonardOkay, feel better, bye. (Goes back into the living room) She doesn't wanna talk.
SheldonNot surprising. Penny's emotional responses originate in the primitive portion of the brain, known as the amygdala, while speech is centred in the much more recently developed neocortex, the former can easily overpower the latter giving scientific credence to the notion of being rendered speechless. (Leonard is rendered speechless) Or maybe she just doesn't wanna talk.
Raj(Enters) Hey, look, I found an iPod.
HowardSmashed beyond repair. What are you gonna do with it?
RajWhat else, sell it on eBay as slightly used.
LeonardIt's Penny's boy friend's, they broke up.
HowardApparently he posted intimate details of their physical relationship on his blog which I cannot find anywhere.
LeonardYou know what? I'm gonna go back and try talking to her again.
HowardGood idea. Sit with her, hold her, comfort her and if the moment feels right, see if you can cop a feel.
LeonardI'm not going to do that, Howard.
SheldonI'm not aware of any social conventions that requires you to intervene at all.
LeonardWhat about damsel in distress?
Sheldon12th century code of chivalry? Not exactly current. You'd also have to be knighted for that to apply.
LeonardI don't care. She's upset, I'm going over there.
HowardRemember to sit on your hands a bit so they're warm.
LeonardI'm her friend, I'm not going to take advantage of her vulnerability.
HowardSo, you're saying, if in the depths of despair she throws herself at you and demands you take her right there, right now, you'll just walk away?
LeonardI said I'm her friend, not her gay friend.
Penny's apartment. She's eating a tub of ice-cream when Leonard knocks at the door.
Leonard(Enters) Hey, listen, I know you said you didn't wanna talk-
Penny(With voice baffled by a mouthful of ice-cream) I don't.
Leonard(Comes back again) Did you say wait?
PennyTell me the truth. Am I just an idiot who picks giant losers?
PennyOkay. So I pick good guys but turn them into losers.
LeonardOf course not.
PennyWell, it's gotta be one or the other. Which is it? (Stares at him)
LeonardI'm sorry, what were the choices again?
PennyI really thought Mike was different, I thought he was sensitive and smart. I mean, not you smart, normal nonfreaky smart.
LeonardYeah, no, sure.
PennyYou know, and then he just goes and has to humiliate me by writing about me on his blog so the entire world can read it.
LeonardI tell you, it's not all that easy to find.
PennyYeah, really? My friends at work found it, my sister found it, judging by my e-mail a number of prisoners at the Michigan state penitentiary found it.
LeonardOk. What exactly did this guy write? Not that I need to know the details of your sex life, I just thought- never mind.
PennyNo, you know what? You might as well read it, everybody else has. Go ahead. (Points at her laptop. Lenord goes to read it) Oh god, I just feel so betrayed and embarrassed. Just wanna crawl into a hole and die. (Sprays some cheese into her mouth. [Easy Cheese])
LeonardOkay. Well, you know, this isn't that bad. It-it just paints the picture of a very affectionate woman who is open to expressing her affection in nontraditional locales.
LeonardElevators, parks, movie theaters, out of curiosity, is this subway the transportation system or Subway the sandwich shop?
LeonardDoesn't that violate the health code?
PennyNo, at the subshop we were only making out.
LeonardUh, okay. But my-my point is that you have absolutely no reason to be embarrassed.
PennyReally? Do you think I overreacted?
LeonardMaybe a little.
PennyI do that. I do overreact. Maybe I should call Mike and apologize.
LeonardNo. No, no, that would be underreacting. He did break the implied confidentiality of the bedroom and in your case the elevator, parks and fast-food franchise.
PennyYou're right. I should just say I'm done with him.
LeonardYes, you should. Go ahead, say it.
PennyBut I never gave the man a chance to explain.
LeonardWhat is there to explain? It's all right here, betrayal.
PennyNo, you were right the first time. This is a man who loves me, but in his own stupid way was trying to show people how he feels.
LeonardI'm pretty sure I never said that.
PennyNo, you did better than that, you helped me see it on my own. (Hugs him)
LeonardAh... Good for me. (Penny runs toward the door) Where are you going?
PennyI'm going over to Mike's. Leonard, thank you so much. (Leaves)
LeonardOh, sure. Oh, maybe I am her gay friend. (Leaves too)
The living room.
SheldonHoward, I'm going to need another Mandarin lesson. I obviously didn't make my point with those people.
HowardFor God's shake, Sheldon, if you don't like the tangerine chicken, don't order the tangerine chicken.
SheldonI like tangerine chicken I'm just not getting tangerine chicken.
LeonardCan we please change the subject?
RajSure. Tell us again how you screwed up and got Penny back together with her old boyfriend.
LeonardJust roll the dice.
RajEnslaved by warlocks, stay here until you roll 2, 4 or 6.
LeonardShe was mad at him! She was done with him, the relationship was broken beyond repair and I walked over there and I fixed it.
HowardBoy, that story gets better every time you hear it.
SheldonActually I thought the first two renditions were far more compelling. Previously I felt sympathy for the Leonard character. Now I just find him to be whiney and annoying.
LeonardEat your tangerine chicken.
SheldonI'd love to, but I don't have tangerine chicken.
Penny(Storms into the room) Thank you so much for your stupid advice. (Slams the door and leaves)
RajIncredible. You managed to screw up the screwup.
Penny's living room. She's sitting on the couch while crying.
Leonard(Knocks and enters) I'm back.
PennyI'm sorry I yelled at you. It's not your fault.
PennyWell, I went over to Mike's to make up with him.
LeonardYeah. No, I know that part.
PennyBut he had already moved on.
LeonardAlready? That was quick.
PennyThat's what I said to the woman who had her legs wrapped around his neck!
LeonardOh, Penny, I am so sorry.
PennyHow could he do that?
LeonardYou know, you did throw an 80 giga iPod (Penny looks at him) Yeah no, how can he do that? (Slaps against the coffee table)
PennyI swear to God I'm done with guys like that. You know macho with the perfect body and the hair and the money.
LeonardYeah, that must get old quick.
PennyYou know, just once I would like to go out with someone who is nice and honest and who actually cares about me.
LeonardWhat about me?
Penny(Sobbing) What about you what?
LeonardWhat about if you went out with me?
PennyAre you asking me out?
LeonardUm, yes, I am... asking you out.
LeonardI was just going off your comment about the nice guy-
PennyNo, I know. I got that.
LeonardWell, and honest.
LeonardSo, but, it's no big deal.
PennyYes, I will go out with you. (The audience applaud)
PennyYeah. Why not? I mean, what do I have to lose?
LeonardYeah. That's the spirit.
Staircase and first floor of the building. Sheldon is wearing earphones and practicing Mandarin.
Sheldon(Checking mail) Show me your citrus peels. 给我看你有的陈皮。Show me your citrus peels. 给我看你有的陈皮。
Penny(Enters, taps him on the shoulder and startles him) Sheldon.
PennyI'm sorry. Look, do you have a second?
SheldonA second what? Pair of underwear?
PennyI was just wondering if I could talk to you. It's about Leonard.
SheldonWhy me? Why not Koothrappali or Wolowitz. (Goes over to the staircase with Penny in tow)
PennyWell, Raj can't talk to me unless he's drunk and Wolowitz is, you know, disgusting.
SheldonYes, I suppose he is.
PennyAll I'm saying is you know Leonard the best.
SheldonNot necessarily. I'm often surprised by my lack of familiarity with Leonard. Just the other day I discovered he not only has a loofah, he hides it. Why do you suppose a man would be ashamed of having a loofah? I myself prefer to have my excess epithelial cell slough off naturally, but I don't condemn those who seek to accelerate the process... and until recently I had no idea that despite his lactose intolerance he can tolerate small amounts of low-fat ice cream without producing a noxious gas that I maintain, in the right concentration, could be weaponized.
PennyLeonard might come home, could we talk in my apartment?
SheldonWe're not done?
Sheldon哎呀，why not. We're already through the looking glass anyway.
PennyUh. Okay. So, here's the thing. I guess you're aware that Leonard asked me out.
SheldonWell, he didn't actually say anything. But when he came back to the apartment he was doing a dance that brought to mind the happy hippos in Fantasia.
PennyOh, that's nice. (Goes over to the couch and sits down) Anyhow, the thing I wanted to talk to you about is: you know, since Leonard and I have become friends, I was just... You wanna sit down?
SheldonOh, I wish it were that simple. I don't spend much time here and so I've never really chosen a place to sit.
SheldonThere are a number of options and- I'm really not familiar enough with the cushion densities, air flow patterns and dispersion of sunlight to make an informed choice.
PennyAlright, why don't you just pick one at random and then if you don't like it, you can sit somewhere else next time.
SheldonNo, no, that's crazy. You go ahead and talk while I figure it out.
PennyOkay. Um, here's the thing. So I've known for a while now that Leonard has had a little crush on me-
SheldonA little crush? Well, I suppose so, in the same way Menelaus had a little crush on Helen of Troy.
PennyAlright. Yeah, I don't really know who they are-
SheldonWell, Menelaus was the brother of Agamemnon-
PennyI don't care. I don't care. Listen, the point is: Leonard isn't the kinda guy I usually go out with.
SheldonLeonard isn't the kind of guy anyone usually goes out with. (Sits down on the couch) Would you be open to rotating the couch clockwise 30 degrees?
PennyNo. What I'm saying is, Leonard might be different in a good way. Obviously my usual choices have not worked out so well.
SheldonYour last one worked out well for Koothrappali, he got a free iPod. (Sits down in a chair by the window) Oh, glare. (Shades his face and goes away)
PennyBut on the other hand, if things don't go well with Leonard I risk losing a really good friend. You know, guessing he's not looking for a fling. He's the kinda guy that gets into a relationship for, I don't know, would you say light years.
Sheldon(Pulls out a chair and sits in it) I would not say that. No one would say that. A light year is a unit of distance, not time.
PennyThank you for the clarification.
[Sheldon squirms in the chair]
SheldonDraft. (Gets up) You see, people hear the word "year" and they think duration. And foot-pound has the same problem, that's a unit of work, not of weight.
Sheldon(Sits down in a green chair) Hmm, it's common mistake.
PennyNot the first one I've made today.
SheldonOkay. I think this will be my seat.
PennySheldon, do you have anything to say that has anything to do with you know, what I'm talking about?
SheldonWell, let's see. We might consider Shrodinger's cat.
PennyShrodinger. Is that the woman in 2A?
SheldonNo, that's Mrs. Grossinger. And she doesn't have a cat, she has a Mexican hairless. Annoying little animla. Yip yip yip.
SheldonSorry, you diverted me. Anyway, In 1935, Erwin Shrodinger, in an attempt to explain the Copenhgen interpretation of quantum physics, he proposed an experiment where a cat is placed in a box with a sealed vial of poison that will break open at random time. Now, since no one knows when or if the poison has been released, until the box is opened, the cat can be thought of as both alive and dead.
Penny(Stunned for a while) I'm sorry, I don't get the point.
SheldonOf course you don't get it, I haven't made it yet. You have to be psychic to get it and there's no such thing as psychic.
PennySheldon, what's the point?!
SheldonJust like Shrodinger's cat, your potential relationship with Leonard right now can be thought of as both good and bad. It is only by opening the box that you'll find out which it is.
PennyOkay. So you're saying I should go out with Leonard.
SheldonNo no no no no no. Let me start again. In 1935... (Penny covers her face with her hands)
LeonardTwo seats right there. (Two Asians, a boy and a girl are sitting at the table)
Sheldon(To the boy) 长寿石灰？(They are bemused) 谢谢。(Cast an exultant glance at Leonard. They sit down)
LeonardSheldon, I think I've made a mistake.
SheldonI can see that. Unless you're planning on running a Marathon, choosing both stuffing and mashed potatoes is a starch-filled redundancy.
LeonardNo, it's about Penny.
SheldonA mistake involving Penny. Okay, you'll have to narrow it down.
LeonardI don't think I can go out with her tonight.
LeonardOther people would say "why not?"
SheldonOther people might be interested.
LeonardI'm gonna talk anyway.
SheldonI assumed you would.
LeonardNow that I'm actually about to go out with Penny, I'm not excited, I'm nauseous.
SheldonUh, then your meal choice is appropriate. Starch absorbs fluid which reduces the amount of vomit available for violent expulsion.
SheldonYou also made a common grammartical mistake. You said nauseous when you meant nauseated. But go on.
LeonardSheldon, this date is probably my one chance with Penny. What happens if I blow it?
SheldonWell, if we accept your premise and also accept the highly improbable assumption that Penny is the only woman in the world for you then we can logically conclude the result of blowing it would be that you end up a lonely bitter old man with no progeny, an image of any number of evil light housekeepers from Scooby-Doo cartoons comes to mind.
LeonardYou're not helping.
SheldonAlright. What response on my part would bring this conversation to a speedy conclusion?
LeonardTell me whether or not to go through with this date.
LeonardWow. That's brilliant.
SheldonYou sound surprised. (Eats a forkful of his food) Hmm. (To the boy) 猴子睡在里头 (Rubs his tummy)
Penny's door. Leonard hesitates and then knock on the door.
PennyCome on in.
LeonardThank you. You look very nice.
PennyThank you. So do you.
LeonardI made an 8 o'clock reservation.
PennyOkay. Yeah. Great. Listen, um, maybe we should talk first.
LeonardUh, okay. But before you say anything, have you ever heard of Shrodinger's cat?
PennyActually, I've heard far too much about that cat.
LeonardGood. (They kiss passionately)
PennyAll right. The cat's alive. Let's go to dinner.
A Chinese restaurant.
Sheldon这不是柳丁脚踏车。(Show him his takeaway)
ManCrazy man, call the police!
Sheldon不必打给图书馆。鼻涕在哪儿？(Leonard and Penny enter and quickly leave) 蛮牛在我床上。很多很多蛮牛。