LeonardSo you see, what you're eating is not technically yogurt. Because it doesn't have enough live acidophilus cultures. It's really just ice milk with carrageenan added for thickness.
PennyWell, that's very interesting.
LeonardIt's also not pink and has no berries.
PennyYeah, but it doesn't really answer my question.
LeonardWhat was your question again?
PennyDo you want some?
LeonardAh. Right. No. I'm lactose intolerant.
PennyYeah, got it.
LeonardWell, good night. (Hugs and kisses her on the lip) (Caught on a camera above them) (Pushes her towards the opposite wall) (The camera pans and zooms, focusing on Penny's cleavage)
PennyWhat are you doing?
LeonardThere was a draft.
PennyI didn't feel a draft.
LeonardWhy don't we just go into your...?
PennyOh, yeah. You know what, maybe we should slow things down a little.
LeonardNo, no, I didn't mean to go into your apartment... to go fast.
PennyNo, I know. I know what you meant. It's just, this is only our first date.
LeonardYeah, okay. Sure. No problem. Why don't we just figure out where we're going... ...and when we want to get there? And then rate of speed equals distance over time. (Penny looks at him) Solve for R.
PennyOr we could just wing it.
LeonardThat might work too.
PennyGood night, Leonard.
LeonardGood night. (Glares at the camera)
[The living room. Howard and Raj are watching the video transferred from the camera.]
RajHe's coming. Screen saver.
HowardOh, hey, Leonard. How was your date?
LeonardBite me. Sheldon, how could you just sit there and let them spy on me?
SheldonThey were clever. They exploited my complete lack of interest in what you were doing.
HowardYou should thank us. When future generations try to determine why your relationship with Penny crashed and burned, this right here is the black box.
LeonardWhat are you talking about? The date went fine.
RajDude, she said she wants to slow things down.
LeonardOkay, so she said she wants to slow things down. It's like saying, "I'm really enjoying this meal. I'm going to slow down and savor it."
HowardNo, it's like, "This fish tastes bad, so I'm gonna slow down and spit it out."
RajYou being the fish.
LeonardI'm not the fish.
HowardOh, really? Did you make a second date?
LeonardWell, no. We sort of decided to wing it.
SheldonOh, even I know that's lame.
LeonardOkay. All right. Let's assume your hypothesis. We went to dinner, we talked, we laughed, we kissed. Where could I possibly have gone wrong?
HowardThink back, Leonard. The littlest things can set women off. Like, "Hey, the waitress is hot. I bet we could get her to come home with us." Or, "How much does your mom weigh? I wanna know what I'm getting into."
LeonardI didn't say anything like that.
HowardGood, 'cause they don't work.
RajThey also don't care for it if you stare at them and hyperventilate. Sadly, that's my home run swing.
LeonardLook, everything went fine. I didn't even have to refer to my impromptu conversation starters. That woman across the hall is into me.
HowardLet's go to the tape. Look at her reaction to the good-night kiss. No change in respiration, pupils undilated, no flushing of the chest.
RajNice close-up, by the way.
SheldonInteresting. Her jaws are clenched. No tongue access. Clearly a bad sign amongst mating humans.
LeonardThat's not a bad sign.
SheldonPlease. You might as well have been two iguana with no dewlap enlargement.
RajAnd the worst sign of all is you're here and not there.
LeonardI'm not there, because I'm taking things slow. Which, by the way, compared to you guys, approaches warp speed. And take down that camera.
RajHe was a lot more fun when he had no hope.
Howard(Stares at the screen) Give him time.
The Laundry room. Sheldon is using a FlipFold to fold his clothes.
SheldonOh, hi, Penny.
SheldonYeah, FYl, the hot water is inadequate on Machine 2, so colors only. And four is still releasing the fabric softener too early in the cycle. So I'd avoid using that for your delicates.
PennyThanks. (Dumps her laundry into a machine)
SheldonGood Lord. Why don't you just take your clothes down to the river and beat them with a rock?
Penny(Pours a lot of detergent) Sheldon, may I ask you a question?
SheldonI would prefer that you not, but I won't go so far as to forbid it.
PennyAll right, I heard "yes, " so.... Okay, here's my question: Has Leonard ever dated, you know, a regular girl?
SheldonWell, I assume you're not referring to digestive regularity. Because I've come to learn that such inquiries are inappropriate.
PennyNo, I meant has he ever been involved with someone who wasn't a brainiac?
SheldonOh! Well, a few years ago, he did go out with a woman who had a Ph. D. in French literature.
PennyHow is that not a brainiac?
SheldonWell, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature. (Folds a pair of socks)
PennySo.... Do you think that if Leonard and I keep dating, he'll eventually get bored with me?
SheldonDo you have a working knowledge of quantum physics?
SheldonDo you speak Klingon?
SheldonYou know any card tricks?
PennyOkay. I get it. Leonard has no business being involved with a waitress/actress who felt so insecure, that she lied to him about finishing community college.
SheldonWhy would you lie about that?
PennyWell, he was going on and on about this college and that grad school and I didn't want him to think I was some kind of stupid loser.
SheldonYou thought the opposite of "stupid loser" was "community-college graduate"? (Penny is stunned)
PennyYou know, there are a lot of successful people in this country who are community-college graduates.
SheldonYeah, but you are neither.
PennyRight. Okay, look, this is between you and me. You cannot tell Leonard any of this.
SheldonYou're asking me to keep a secret?
SheldonWell, I'm sorry. You would've had to express that desire before revealing the secret so that I could choose whether I wanted to accept the covenant of secret-keeping. You can't impose a secret on an ex post facto basis.
SheldonSecret-keeping is a complicated endeavor. One has to be concerned not only about what one says, but about facial expressions, autonomic reflexes. When I try to deceive I myself have more nervous tics than a Lyme disease research facility. It's a joke. It relies on the homonymic relationship between tick, the bloodsucking arachnid and tic, the involuntary muscular contraction. (Chuckles) I made it up myself.
PennyOkay, look, if Leonard finds out that I lied, I will absolutely die of embarrassment.
PennyOh, Sheldon, please. Look, I'm asking you as a friend.
SheldonSo, you're saying that friendship contains within it, an inherent obligation to maintain confidences?
Sheldonlnteresting. One more question. Perhaps I should've led with this: when did we become friends?
Sheldoni. e., I couldn't become Green Lantern unless I was chosen by the Guardians of Oans. Given enough startup capital and an adequate research facility, I could be Batman.
LeonardYou could be Batman?
SheldonSure. (ln deep voice) I'm Batman. (ln normal voice) See?
LeonardHey. Penny, if you're not doing anything Friday night, I thought we could go see a movie.
PennyOh, um, you know, I think I have the dinner shift on Friday.
LeonardOkay. What about Saturday?
PennyYou know, I'm not sure. The manager hasn't posted the schedule yet. How about I let you know?
LeonardGreat. So you just let me know when you know. (Penny ignores him) Okay, so... Oh, God, I am the bad fish. What did I do wrong?
SheldonWhy are you asking me? I have no information about your interactions with Penny other than what you provided me, nor do I have any method of learning such things. (Runs off)
LeonardWhat does that mean?
SheldonNothing. You seem to be implying an informational back channel between me and Penny where obviously none exists.
LeonardNo, I didn't.
SheldonI just think you need to be careful how you phrase things, sir.
[In the living room]
LeonardWhat's going on with you?
SheldonWell, I might ask you the same question. Why do you insist on attempting to drag me into matters which have nothing to do with me but exist between you and Penny, a person to whom I barely speak? (Tics)
LeonardWhat's wrong with your face?
SheldonThere's no reason to bring my looks into this. Good day, Leonard.
SheldonI said, good day. (Leaves the apartment)
PennyAlso today we have a fresh-caught Alaska salmon served with a teriyaki glaze and sticky rice. Our soup of the day... (Sheldon appears)
SheldonYou must release me from my oath.
PennySheldon, I'm working.
Sheldon(To the diners) Why don't you take a minute to decide? (Drags Penny away) I can't keep your secret, Penny. I'm going to fold like an energy-based de novo protein in conformational space. Like a Renaissance triptych. Like a cheap suit. (Penny eventually gets it)
PennyLook, why is it so hard for you to keep one little secret?
SheldonI'm constitutionally incapable. That's why I was refused clearance for a very prestigious government research fellowship at a secret military supercollider located beneath a fake agricultural station, 12.5 miles southeast of Traverse City, Michigan. (Penny is stunned) Which you did not hear about from me.
PennyLook, just forget I told you about me...not graduating from community college, okay?
SheldonForget? You want me to forget? This mind does not forget. I haven't forgotten a thing since the day my mother stopped breastfeeding me. lt was a drizzly Tuesday.
PennyOkay. Look, You promised me you would keep my secret, so you are just gonna have to figure out a way to do it.
The living room.
SheldonLeonard, I'm moving out.
LeonardWhat do you mean you're moving out? Why?
SheldonThere doesn't have to be a reason.
LeonardYeah, there kinda does.
SheldonNot necessarily. This is a classic example of Münchhausen trilemma. Either the reason is predicated on a series of sub-reasons leading to regression, or it tracks back to axiomatic statements, or it's ultimately circular i. e., I'm moving out, because I'm moving out.
LeonardI'm still confused.
SheldonLeonard, I don't see how I could've made it any simpler.
[Howard and Raj enter]
HowardHey, qu'est-ce que c'up?
RajWe just got back from that exhibit of those plasticized human cadavers.
HowardSome of those skinless chicks were hot.
SheldonIf you'll excuse me, I'm going to pack.
HowardThat's kind of an overreaction to a little harmless necrophilia.
LeonardIt's not you, Howard. He says he's moving out.
RajWhat did you do? Did you change the contrast or brightness settings on the television?
RajDid you take a Band-Aid off in front of him?
HowardDid you buy generic ketchup? Forget to rinse the sink? Talk to him through the bathroom door?
RajAdjust the thermostat? Cook with cilantro? Pronounce the T in "often"?
HowardDid you make fun of trains?
LeonardI didn't do anything. He's just gone insane.
RajWell, we all knew this day was coming.
[Sheldon appears with a bag]
LeonardThat was fast.
SheldonIt's my pre-packed disaster evacuation bag. Recommended by the Department of Homeland Security. And Sarah Connor.
LeonardWhere are you gonna live?
SheldonUntil I find a permanent place, I will stay with friends.
HowardBye. (Runs away)
RajWell, but you can't stay with me. I have a teeny-tiny apartment.
SheldonExcuse me, but isn't hosting guests an aspect of Manushya-yajna, one of the five central religious duties or sacrifices of the Hindu householder?
RajI hate trains.
SheldonDon't be ridiculous. You love trains.
RajYes, I do. Come on. See you later, Leonard.
[Sheldon just drops his key into a bowl]
LeonardThis could work. (Sits on Sheldon's spot and opens a soda)
Raj's apartment. lndian music is playing.
SheldonThis is a very old building.
RajSixty years. Used to be a watch factory.
SheldonDon't you worry about the residual radium from the luminous dials?
Raj(Upset) Not until now.
SheldonI can't believe I didn't bring my Geiger counter. Yeah, I had it on my bed, and I didn't pack it.
Rajlf you're not comfortable staying here, Sheldon-
Sheldon(Interrupts) I'm kidding. I packed it. It was a joke. Yeah, I was subverting the conversational expectations. I believe they call that the old switcheroo.
Sheldonls that woman Aishwarya Rai?
RajYes. Isn't she an amazing actress?
SheldonActually, I'd say she's a poor man's Madhuri Dixit.
RajHow dare you? Aishwarya Rai is a goddess. By comparison, Madhuri Dixit is a leprous prostitute.
SheldonSorry, I didn't mean to offend you. Obviously, you're not that familiar with lndian cinema.
Howard's apartment. Doorbell rings.
HowardWho is it?
Raj(ln high-pitched voice) Strip-o-gram.
[Howard opens the door to reveal Raj and Sheldon]
RajTag. You're it. (Runs away)
HowardShouldn't you have put him in a brown paper bag and set him on fire?
SheldonI've never slept on an air mattress before. No lumbar support whatsoever.
HowardMaybe you'd be happier on a park bench.
SheldonI don't see any way to get a park bench in here.
HowardDo you wanna switch?
SheldonNo. That's fine. I'm perfectly comfortable sleeping on a bouncy castle.
HowardGet out of bed. We're switching.
SheldonNow, only if you want to.
HowardJust get in the bed.
Mrs. Wolowitz(Yells) What's going on? Are you boys roughhousing?
HowardWe're just talking, Ma.
Mrs. WolowitzIf you don't settle down right now, I'm not gonna let you have any more sleepovers.
HowardFor God's sake, Ma, I'm 27 years old. And it's not even a school night! (To Sheldon) Comfy now?
SheldonEh... That poster of Halle Berry is a little unnerving.
HowardSo, don't look at it.
SheldonShe's like my fourth favorite Catwoman.
SheldonYeah, Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfeiffer, Eartha Kitt and then her.
HowardWhat about Lee Meriwether?
SheldonOh, I forgot about Lee Meriwether.
HowardWell, I'm glad that's settled.
SheldonThat makes Halle Berry my fifth favorite Catwoman. There's Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfeiffer, Eartha Kitt, Lee Meriwether...
HowardPlease, I'm begging you, go to sleep.
SheldonI'm trying. I'm counting Catwomen. But she did make a fine mutant in the X-Men movies, though.
HowardOh, for God's sake.
SheldonShe's not my favorite of the X-Men. In order, that'd be Wolverine, Cyclops, oh wait, I forgot Professor X. Professor X, Wolverine, Cyclops, lceman, then Storm, Angel, the Bea- no, wait, Nightcrawler. Professor X, Nightcrawler, Wolverine, Cyclops, lceman, then Storm, Angel...
Leonard's apartment. Door knocks. Lenord opens the door to reveal Howard and Sheldon in their pyjamas.
LeonardI'm coming. Hey.
SheldonThere he is. There's my old buddy-bud-bud.
LeonardWhat's with him?
HowardKoothrappali dumped him on me. He couldn't get to sleep, so I gave him a glass of milk with a handful of my mom's Valium in it. But he still wouldn't shut up, so tag, you're it. (Drops Sheldon's bag)
LeonardI still don't know why you left.
SheldonI can't tell you.
SheldonI promised Penny.
LeonardPromised Penny what?
SheldonI wouldn't tell you the secret. Shh!
LeonardWhat secret? Tell me the secret.
SheldonMom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it, but we can't tell Dad.
LeonardNot that secret, the other secret.
Sheldon(In deep voice) I'm Batman.
LeonardDamn it, Sheldon. You said Penny told you a secret. What's the secret?
Sheldon(In normal voice) Okay, I'll tell you, but you can't tell Leonard.
SheldonPenny lied about graduating from community college 'cause she's afraid she's not smart enough for Leonard.
LeonardSo it's nothing I did? It's her problem?
SheldonI drank milk that tasted funny.
LeonardPenny thinks I'm too smart for her. That's ridiculous.
SheldonI know. Most of your work is extremely derivative. And don't worry, that's not a secret. Everybody knows.
LeonardYeah, hi. Listen. I know what's been bothering you about us, and I have the answer.
PennyWhat are you talking about?
LeonardFirst, I wanna say that it's not Sheldon's fault. He tried very hard to keep your secret. If Howard hadn't drugged him, he would've taken it to his grave.
PennyHe told you?
LeonardYes, but it's okay. Now that we know what the problem is, there's a simple solution.
PennyPasadena City College?
LeonardA place for fun, a place for knowledge. See, this man here is playing Hacky Sack, and this girl's gonna be a paralegal.
PennyOh. I get it, because Dr. Leonard Hofstadter can't date a girl without a fancy college degree.
LeonardWell, it's really not that fancy. It's just a city college.
PennyRight, but I have to have some sort of degree to date you?
LeonardThat doesn't matter to me at all.
PennySo it's fine with you if I'm not smart?
[Penny slams the door]
LeonardOkay, this time, I know where I went wrong. Oh, bite me.