First floor of the building. The guys in costume enter.
SheldonWorst Renaissance fair, ever!
LeonardPlease let it go, Sheldon.
SheldonIt was rife with historical inaccuracies. For example, the tavern girl serving flagons of mead. Now, her costume was obviously Germanic, but in 1487, the Bavarian purity laws, or Reinheitsgebot severely limited the availability of mead. At best, they would've had some sort of spiced wine.
SheldonOh-ho-ho, really? Well, here's another nit for you. The flagons would not have been made of polypropylene.
HowardRenaissance fairs aren't about historical accuracy. They're about taking chubby girls who work at Kinko's and lacing them up in corsets so tight their bosom jumps out and says "Howdy."
SheldonBosoms would not have said, "Howdy" in the 15th century. If anything, they would've said, "Huzzah."
HowardI don't care what the bosoms say, Sheldon. I just wanna be part of the conversation.
Penny(Comes down the stair with a guy) Hi, guys. Looks like you've been to the Renaissance fair. I'm hoping.
SheldonRenaissance fair? More of a medieval-slash-Age of Enlightenment-slash-any-excuse-to-wear-a-codpiece fair.
PennyOkay, fine, whatever. Um, you guys, this is my friend Eric.
LeonardSo, yeah, good to see you.
PennyYeah. Yeah, it's good to see you too. (To Eric) We should probably go.
Eric(To Howard) Like your hat.
HowardThanks, my mom made it. (Penny and Eric leave) Penny with a new guy. très awkward.
LeonardIt wasn't awkward. Wasn't fun. Besides, what's the big deal? We dated, we-we stopped dating, and now we're both moving on.
RajBy "moving on, " you mean she's going out with other men and you spend the afternoon making 15th century soap with Wolowitz?
SheldonThat was not 15th century soap. My god, those people need to learn you can't just put "ye olde" in front of anything you want and expect to get away with it.
LeonardCan we please just go in? My chain mail's stuck in my underwear.
SheldonYou're wearing modern underwear?
LeonardRelatively modern. Why, what are you wearing?
SheldonI fashioned historically accurate undergarments out of linen.
LeonardYou went out and bought linen?
SheldonDon't be silly. I borrowed one of your pillowcases.
The living room.
LeonardYou know what, I'm happy that Penny's moving on. It gives me freedom to move on myself.
HowardAre you saying that you've been holding back?
LeonardOf course. Out of respect.
HowardSo how do you explain the 10 years before Penny?
RajWho were you respecting then?
LeonardWhat? I've dated plenty of women. There was, uh, Joyce Kim, Leslie Winkle.
SheldonNotify the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary: The word "plenty" has been redefined to mean "two."
LeonardOh, what about that girl last year at Comic-Con?
Rajlt doesn't count.
RajWhat happens in costume at Comic-Con stays at Comic-Con.
HowardYou're only saying that because of what happened to you.
LeonardWhat happened to you?
RajNothing happened to me.
HowardIt wasn't your fault, Raj. He was dressed as a green Orion slave girl.
RajWell, how did we get on me? We were mocking Leonard for not moving on. (To Leonard) Dude, you have totally not moved on.
LeonardYes, I have. It's just a matter of actually making a date with someone.
LeonardWell, there's Joyce Kim. But she defected back to North Korea so, it's a little geographically undesirable.
RajWhat about Leslie Winkle?
SheldonHer research methodology is sloppy, she's unjustifiably arrogant about loop quantum gravity, and to make matters worse, she's often mean to me.
RajI think she's smoking hot.
HowardI'd hit that.
SheldonYou'd hit particulate soil in a colloidal suspension. (Howard looks at him) Mud.
LeonardLook, I like Leslie, but she's not interested in dating as much as using men as tools for stress release.
HowardYeah? So? Be a tool. Go get yourself a little rebound stress release.
RajTechincally, it would only be rebound if he and Penny had actually engaged in physical intimacy.
HowardYou mean like you and Richard the slave girl?
RajI bought him dinner and we kissed once. That was it. And he told me his name was Kimberly.
SheldonYou know how I know we're not in the Matrix?
SheldonIf we were, the food would be better. (Throws something back into his plate in disgust) (Cypher: You know, I know this steak doesn't exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth, the Matrix is telling my brain that it is juicy and delicious. [link])
(Leslie walks over)
Leslie(To Sheldon) Hey, dummy.
SheldonHello to you, insufficiently intelligent person.
LeslieOoh, rush me to the burn unit. (He can't make a retort) Hey, Leonard, do you have a second? I need to ask you something. (Sits down)
Sheldon(Stands up and moves on) Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go do work that promises significant results as opposed to what you do, which does not. Yeah, you heard me. (Dumps the tray noisily, drops it, picks it up, and then leaves)
LeslieWow. So I heard your relationship with Penny crashed to the ground like blue ice falling out of an airplane lavatory.
LeonardWhere'd you hear that?
LeslieActually, I read it. Wolowitz texted me. (Show him her cellphone)
Leonard(Reads the text) "Like blue ice falling out of an airplane lavatory, " yep.
LeslieYeah, I thought it was a pretty good one. I gave him an "LOL."
LeslieAnyway, it got me thinking. Now that you're unattached, maybe we can revisit our previous attachment.
LeonardAre you suggesting another bout of stress release?
LeslieNo, I'm all done with casual sex. From now on I'm fully committed to the traditional relationship paradigm.
LeonardReally? What changed?
LeslieI'm tired to say there's just a time in every woman's life when she gets tired of waking up on a futon with a bunch of people she doesn't know.
LeonardYeah, I can see how that would- A bunch of people?
LeslieAnyway, I just figure it's time to slow things down and who better to slow things down with than you?
LeonardOh, I'm flattered. So, how do you suggest we proceed?
LeslieYour place. We'll order Chinese. You'll rent a movie, artsy but accessible. Then light petting, no coitus.
LeslieI'll leave the details up to you. I think it's better if you assume the male role.
Leonard(Sarcastically) Thank you, that's very thoughtful.
LeslieGreat. (Teasingly) Call me. (Leaves)
The living room. Leonard is preparing the date.
Sheldon(Enters with a big box) Great news. My mom sent me my old Nintendo 64.
SheldonYou know what this means, don't you? Break out the Red Bull. It's time to rock Mario old-school.
LeonardI kinda have other plans tonight.
SheldonBut it's Friday. Friday's always vintage-game night. Look, Mom included the memory card. We can pick up right where I left off in 1999 when I had pernicious anemia.
LeonardThe thing is, someone's coming over.
SheldonWell, no problem. I have three controllers. The more the merrier.
LeonardSheldon, it's a date. I have a date coming over.
SheldonOh. Well, you can't blame me for not jumping to that conclusion.
LeonardWhy? What's so unusual about me having a date?
SheldonWell, statistically speaking-
LeonardAll right, all right. Nevertheless, I have one now and I'd appreciate it if you would, you know, make yourself scarce.
SheldonI am a published theoretical physicist with two doctors and an lQ which can't be measured by normal tests. How much scarcer could I be?
LeonardYou know what I mean. Could you just give us a little privacy?
SheldonYou want me to leave the apartment?
SheldonYou mean just go someplace else and be- someplace else?
SheldonBut why should I leave? This is my apartment too.
LeonardI know it is. And if science ever discovers a second member of your species and you two would like some privacy, I'd be more than happy to get out of your way.
SheldonWell, all right, then.
The staircase. Penny goes down the stairs.
PennySheldon? What are you doing?
SheldonPlaying "Super Mario" on a poorly coded Nintendo 64 emulator.
PennyWait-wait, why are you doing it on the stairs?
SheldonI am a modern-day Napoleon exiled to the Elba of the staircase because Leonard, (To Mario) get this, (to Penny) has a date.
PennyOh. Oh, it's good for him. You know, why are you sitting here? Why don't you just go to a movie or something?
PennyYeah, why not?
SheldonWhat if I choke on my popcorn? Who will administer the Heimlich maneuver?
PennyThen don't order popcorn.
SheldonNo popcorn at the mov? Listen to yourself.
PennyOk. Why don't you go to a coffee shop?
SheldonI don't drink coffee.
PennyThey have other things.
Sheldon(Intrigued) What do they have?
PennyI don't know. You know, cookies, pastries-
SheldonPastries such as bear claws?
SheldonI don't like bear claws.
Leslie(Enters) Hey, Penny. (To Sheldon) Dumb ass.
SheldonLeslie Winkle. Of all the overrated physicists in all the labs in all the world, why does it have to be Leslie Winkle?
PennyWell, they have a lot in common. I mean, they're both scientists.
SheldonOh, please. The only way she could make a contribution to science would be if they resumed sending chimps into space.
PennyOkay, well, I have a date too, so, I'll see ya. (Leaves)
SheldonEverybody has a date. Even you, Mario, going after Princess Peach. And what am I doing? I'm just enabling you.
The living room.
LeslieThis is pretty good orange chicken.
LeonardYeah, it's from Chang's.
LeslieWhat happened to Chow's?
LeslieSo, how many children do you think we should have?
(Leonard chokes and coughes)
LeslieI'm sorry, that was a little abrupt.
LeslieI mean, there are so many things to talk about before we discuss reproduction.
LeonardI sure hope so.
LeslieBesides shortness, what genetic weaknesses run in your family?
SheldonI'm sorry to interrupt. Battery's dying. Continue.
LeonardUh, genetic weaknesses, right. Um, there's the lactose intolerance.
SheldonDon't forget the male-pattern baldness. When his uncles sit around the dinner table, they look like a half-carton of eggs. (Leaves with a power strip which has a very long cable, and unfortunately, still not long enough)
LeonardOkay yeah, (Stands up and goes over to close the door) my uncles are bald, but my aunt Edna is one of the hairiest women you'll ever meet, so, sweet lady. It always tickles when she hugs me.
(Sheldon knocks on the door and now enters)
SheldonI have to make pee pee. (Leonard motions him to go to the bathroom)
Continued from earlier. Leslie is leaving.
LeonardListen, I'm sorry about all of Sheldon's interruptions. He can be a bit of an eccentric.
LeslieIf by "eccentric" you mean "passive-aggressive East Texas blowhole, " I agree.
LeonardWell, I think tonight was a very good start.
LeslieMe too. You're sure you're okay postponing intercourse until our relationship is past the initial viability test?
LeonardNo problem. I'm very skilled at postponing intercourse. I guess I'll call you and we'll arrange another evening.
LeslieYes. I believe protocol dictates that you wait a minimum of 18 hours before you call so I'm not repulsed by your cloying eagerness.
LeslieAgain, it's your decision. You're the man.
PennyNo, it wasn't my cat. It was an experiment designed by this guy named Schrodinger.
GuyFrom the Charlie Brown cartoons?
PennyNo, he was some kind of scientist. Let me start again. Oh, hey, Leonard.
(Penny and the guy leave)
LeonardOkay, well, good night. (Kisses her)
PennyOkay, well, good night. (Grabs the guy by the head and kisses him)
LeslieThat ain't gonna make your point. (Kisses him passionately) (Penny cast a glance at them and there is a fierce kiss contest) Okay, that's enough. (Swings her body seductively) Call me. (Leaves)
LeonardRight. (Goes into his apartment and closes the door)
PennyWell, okay, good night.
PennyHad a great time. Ciao.
SheldonI'm sorry, I am not going back to the Renaissance fair.
HowardCome on, Sheldon. There are so few places I can wear my jester costume.
SheldonI don't care. There are far too many historical anomalies for my comfort.
RajOh, okay, how about this? You can go dressed as a Star Trek science officer exploring a planet similar to Earth in the 1500s.
Sheldon(Intrigued) You mean like Spock?
Leonard(Comes over) Hey, fellow scientists. Sheldon.
LeonardMm. Why don't we all move over there so Leslie can join us?
HowardYeah, let's do it.
(Sheldon pouts and doesn't move. Leonard looks at him)
SheldonIf you're having trouble deciding where to sit, may I suggest One Potato, Two Potato? or as I call it, the Leslie Winkle Experimental Methodology.
LeonardDon't make this hard for me.
SheldonIt's not hard. It's simple. You can either sit with me, your friend, colleague and roommate, or you can sit with an overrated scientist you might have sex with.
LeonardYou're right, it is simple. (Goes over to sit with a scientist he might have sex with)
The staircase. Sheldon is sitting on a step, using his laptop.
PennyThird floor tonight. Mixing it up? (Sheldon pulls the cable of his power strip to show Penny it isn't long enough) Oh. You know, I still don't understand why you don't just go to dinner or something.
SheldonAll right, let's say I go to dinner alone and during the meal I have to use the restroom. How do I know someone's not touching my food?
PennyGood night, Sheldon.
SheldonPenny, hold on. Are you sure things can't work out with you and Leonard?
SheldonI'm just wondering if you really gave it the old college try. Or in your case, the old community college try.
PennyOkay, where is this coming from?
SheldonLeonard is upstairs right now with my archenemy.
SheldonYes, the Dr. Doom to my Mr. Fantastic. The Dr. Octopus to my Spider-Man. The Dr. Sivana to my Captain Marvel-
PennyOkay, I get it, I get it, I get it.
SheldonYou know, It's amazing how many super villains have advanced degrees. Graduate schools should probably do a better job screening those people out.
PennySheldon, come back. You're losing me.
SheldonIt's Leslie Winkle, Penny. She belittles my research.
PennyOh, sweetie, I'm sorry.
SheldonShe called me "dumb-ass."
PennyI know, I heard.
SheldonGiven the situation I have no choice but to withdraw my previous objections to your ill-considered relationship with Leonard.
PennyOh, gee, well, thank you, for that. But, um, I think for now Leonard and I are just gonna stay friends.
SheldonNo. That response is unacceptable to me.
PennySheldon, you are a smart guy. You must know-
SheldonSmart? I'd have to lose 60 IQ points to be classified as "smart."
Penny(Angrily) Are you gonna let me talk?
PennyYou must know that if Leonard and Leslie wanna be together, nothing you can do is gonna stop it.
Sheldon(Scornfully) You continue to underestimate my capabilities, madam.
PennyOkay, let me put it this way. If you're really Leonard's friend, you'll support him no matter who he wants to be with.
SheldonWait a minute. Why am I doing all the giving here? If Leonard's really my friend, why doesn't he have to support me in my hatred of Leslie Winkle?
PennyBecause love trumps hate.
SheldonOh, now you're just making stuff up.
PennyOkay. Good night, Sheldon.
SheldonOh, Mario. If only I could control everyone the way I control you. Hop, you little plumber, hop, hop, hop.
The living room. Leonard and Leslie are kissing. Sheldon enters.
SheldonWhen the two of you reach a natural stopping point, I'd like to have a word.
LeonardIf the word is "pee-pee, " just do it.
SheldonLeonard, you're my friend, and friends support their friends, apparently. So I am withdrawing my objection to your desire to have a relationship with Leslie.
SheldonI will graciously overlook the fact that she is an arrogant, subpar scientist who believes loop quantum gravity better unites quantum mechanics with general relativity than does string theory. (LQG better unites QM with GR than ST does) You kids have fun.
LeslieHang on a second. Loop quantum gravity clearly offers more testable predictions than string theory.
SheldonI'm listening. Amuse me.
LeslieOkay, well, for one thing, we expect quantized space-time to manifest itself as many new differences in the speed of light for different colors.
SheldonBalderdash. Matter clearly consists of tiny strings.
Leslie(To Leonard) Are you gonna let him talk to me like that? (Stares at him)
LeonardOkay, well, there is a lot of merit to both theories.
LeslieNo, there isn't. Only loop quantum gravity calculates the entropy of black holes.
(Sheldon snorts. Leslie wheels around and glares at him)
LeonardSheldon, don't make that noise. It's disrespectful.
SheldonI should hope so. It was a snort of derision.
Leslie(To Leonard) You agree with me, right? Loop quantum gravity is the future of physics.
LeonardSorry, Leslie, I guess I prefer my space stringy, not loopy.
LeslieWell, I'm glad I found out the truth about you before this went any further.
LeonardTruth? What truth? We're talking about untested hypotheses- Look, it's no big deal.
LeslieOh, it isn't? Really? Tell me, Leonard, how will we raise the children?
LeonardI, I guess we wait until they're old enough and let them choose their own theory.
LeslieWe can't let them choose, Leonard, they're children! (Grabs her purse and storms off)
LeonardWait, where are you going?
LeslieI'm sorry. I could've accepted our kids being genetically unable to eat ice cream or ever get a good view of a parade. But this? This is a deal breaker. (Slams the door)
Sheldon(Goes over to Leonard and sits next to him) Look on the bright side.
LeonardWhat's the bright side?
SheldonOnly nine more months to Comic-Con.
Leonard(Happily) Oh, yeah.
A fair. The guys are in costume. Sheldon's in Spock's costume, watching a gauge in his hands.
Sheldon(To no one) Captain, I'm getting an unusual reading.
LeonardYeah, that's great. You guys want corn dogs?
SheldonThat's a temporal anomaly. Corn dogs didn't come into existence till the first half of the 20th century.