The living room. Sheldon is playing Age of Conan.
SheldonFellow warriors, this is Sheldor the Conqueror. We are about to enter Atzel's fortress. Now, this is a long run, so let's do another bladder check. (Pauses) All right, Barry, we'll wait for you again, but you really should see a doctor. (Banglng nearby) Sheldor is AFK. (Goes into the hallway to check it) Penny, are you experiencing some sort of difficulty?
PennyYes, I can't get my stupid door open.
SheldonYou appear to have put your car key in the door lock. Are you aware of that?
SheldonAll right, then.
(Penny drops her shopping bag)
PennyDamn it, damn it, damn it.
SheldonWould it be possible for you to do this a little more quietly?
PennyI can't get the damn key out.
SheldonThat's not surprising. That Baldwin lock on your door uses traditional edge-mounted cylinders whereas the key for your Volkswagen uses a center-cylinder system. [Types of locks]
Penny(Sarcasticly) Thank you, Sheldon.
SheldonYou're welcome. (Penny wheels around and gives him a glare) Point of inquiry: Why did you put your car key in the door lock?
PennyWhy? I'll tell you why. Because Today I had an audition. It took me two hours to get there. I waited an hour for my turn. And before I could even start, they told me I look too Midwest for the part. Too Midwest. What the hell does that even mean?
SheldonWell, the American Midwest was mostly settled by Scandinavian and Germanic peoples, who have characteristic facial-
PennyI know what it means, Sheldon. God. You know, I have been in L. A. for almost two years now. I haven't gotten a single acting job. I've accomplished nothing. Haven't gotten a raise at work. Haven't even had sex in six months. And just now when I was walking up those stairs a fly flew in my mouth and I ate it.
SheldonWell, actually, insects are a dietary staple in many cultures. They're almost pure protein.
Penny(Picks up a bag, but the bottom splits open and things drop out) Oh, son of a bitch.
SheldonI believe the condensation on your frozen foods weakened the structural integrity of the bag. But returning to your key conundrum, perhaps you should call a locksmith and have him open the door for you.
PennyI did. He said he'll get here when he gets here.
SheldonYou're frustrated because he phrased his reply in a form of meaningless tautology?
PennyNo. I am frustrated because I am a failure at everything and my breath smells like fly. (Slides along the wall, sits on the floor, and cries)
SheldonThere, there. Would you prefer to wait in our apartment?
PennyNo, Sheldon, I'd rather sit on this freezing floor, sobbing like a 3-year-old.
SheldonAll right, then. (Starts to leave)
PennyFor God's sake. (Springs up from the floor and storms into Sheldon's apartment)
SheldonJust when I think I've gotten the hang of sarcasm.
The living room, continued from earlier.
SheldonMake yourself comfortable. (Penny goes to sit on his spot) Not there.
Penny(Gets up and slumps down on to the right side of the couch) Aw, God. (Sheldon wants to get past her, but she puts her feet on the coffee table, blocking him. They stare at each other a while, lastly she reluctantly moves her feet back)
SheldonSheldor is back online.
PennyWhat are you doing?
Sheldon(Speaks into the microphone of his headset) AFK. (To Penny) I'm playing "Age of Conan, " an online multiplayer game set in the universe of Robert E. Howard's Conan the Barbarian.
SheldonSheldor back online.
SheldonAFK. (To Penny) Away from keyboard.
PennyOh, I see.
SheldonWhat does that stand for?
PennyOh, I see?
SheldonYes, but what does it stand for?
The staircase and the hall. A tub of Penny's ice-cream is leaning against the floor. A cat is drinking the melt ice-cream. Leonard looks at it quizzically. The cat looks at him.
[In the living room]
SheldonAnd just click on the enchanted boots to put them on.
PennyI don't know. Can I see them in another color?
SheldonJust click on them.
PennyNow, congratulations, you are now a level three warrior.
LeonardWhat's going on?
PennyLeonard, guess what? I'm a level three warrior.
LeonardGreat. Do you know there are groceries outside of your apartment?
PennyYeah, yeah, yeah. Shh.
LeonardI only bring it up because your ice cream's melting and it's starting to attract wildlife.
PennyUh-huh. (To Sheldon) Do I stay in the jungle or go towards the beach?
SheldonIt doesn't matter, right now you're looking for treasure.
PennyOkay. (Leonard motions Sheldon to follow him. Sheldon gets up) Wait wait, where are you going?
SheldonGo ahead. You're okay. If you run into crocodiles, just kick them with your boots.
LeonardYou wanna catch me up?
SheldonWell, let's see. Uh, she attempted to open her apartment with her car key because her face is overly Midwestern. Uh... she hasn't had sex in six months. And she ate a fly.
LeonardUh-huh. Seriously, six months?
PennyOh, my God, a treasure chest. I'm rich.
SheldonLevel three and she thinks she's rich. What a newb.
[Continued from earlier. Penny has left. Raj is doing something.]
RajOkay, we're all set.
HowardLet her rip.
LeonardHey, check it out. It's just corn starch and water.
SheldonThey make up a non-Newtonian fluid which is liquid but solid under the percussive action of the speaker.
HowardThat's what makes it get all funky.
PennyYeah, okay. Uh, listen, I need to talk to Sheldon.
(Raj whispers something in Howard's ear)
HowardNo, that's what she said, Sheldon.
PennyOkay, I bought the game and I've been exploring the lsland of Tortage. But I can't figure out how to pass the guard captain.
SheldonDo you have an enchanted sword?
PennyNo no, I've a bronze dagger.
SheldonYou can't slay the guard captain with a bronze dagger. Lord, it's like the car key in your apartment door all over again.
PennyAll-alright, how do I get the sword?
SheldonHave you been to the Temple of Mitra?
Pennyls that the place on the hill with a weird priest in front of it?
SheldonNo no no, it's- Oh for God's sakes, give me (Snatches her laptop).
PennyThank you. I really appreciate this.
SheldonYou're gonna have to learn to do these things for yourself, Penny.
PennyDon't patronize me. Just get the sword.
HowardWhat the frak?
LeonardBeats me. They were playing all last night too.
SheldonIt's like some kind of weird comic-book crossover.
HowardLike if Hulk were dating Peppermint Patty.
RajI always thought Peppermint Patty was a lesbian.
LeonardNo, that's Marcie. Peppermint Patty's just athletic.
SheldonThere you go, one enchanted sword.
PennyAll right, give me, give me. I wanna kill the guard captain. (Goes back to her apartment and slams her door)
SheldonThat girl needs to get a life.
Sheldon's bedroom. Someone knocks on the door.
Penny(Enters) Sheldon. (Goes over to the bedside) Sheldon.
Sheldon(Springs bolt upright) Danger. Danger.
PennyNo danger, it's just me, Penny. Listen, I got to level 25 and reached Purple Lotus Swamp, right?
SheldonYou're in my bedroom.
PennyYeah. -Leonard gave me an emergency key.
SheldonPeople can't be in my bedroom.
PennyOk. Well can we go talk in the living room?
SheldonI'm not wearing pajama bottoms.
SheldonI spilled grape juice.
PennyWell, wear different pajamas.
SheldonCan't wear different pajamas, these are my Monday pajamas. Penny, people cannot be in my bedroom.
PennyOk, fine. Just tell me, is it too soon to join a quest to the Black Castle?
SheldonYou were invited on a quest to the Black Castle?
PennyYeah yeah. By some guys in Budapest. I'm just not sure it's the right move for my character.
SheldonOf course it's not. You're only a level 25. These Hungarians are just using you for dragon fodder.
PennyReally? Boy, you'd think you could trust a horde of Hungarian Barbarians.
SheldonPlease, Penny, enough. I have to sleep.
(Leonard comes out of his room)
PennyOkay, well, you were great. Thanks. Oh. Hey Leonard, listen, don't go in Sheldon's room. He's not wearing bottoms.
Leonard(Knocks on Sheldon's door) Sheldon, you wanna catch me up again?
Dr. Eric Gablehauser's office.
Dr. GablehauserPeople, I am very busy today.
SheldonI realize that, Dr. Gablehauser, but it is your job as head of the department to mediate all intra-departmental disputes. University Policy Manual, chapter 4, subsection 2: "Mediation of lntra-departmental Disputes."
Dr. Gablehauser(Sighs) Fine.
Dr. GablehauserDr. Winkle, what colorful name did you call Dr. Cooper this time?
Dr. GablehauserDr. Cooper, Dr. Winkle apologizes.
SheldonNo, she doesn't.
LeslieNo, I don't.
SheldonHere's the problem. I was clearly signed up to use the mainframe in Buckman 204 and Dr. Winkle just wantingly ripped the sign-up sheet off the wall.
LeslieIt wasn't even an official sign-up sheet. He printed it himself and he put his name down on every slot for the next six months.
SheldonIf it is a crime to ensure the university's resources are not being squandered chasing subatomic wild geese then I plead guilty.
SheldonOh, Penny. (Hangs up)
Dr. GablehauserYou need to get that, Dr. Cooper?
LeslieOh don't turn it off. You might miss your call from Nobel committee letting you know you've been nominated as dumb-ass laureate of the year.
SheldonOh, yeah, well, you wouldn't even be nominated.
LeslieDr. Gablehauser, I have a series of important multi-loop calculations and simulations to run. All he's doing is reducing irrelevant data and making a mock (Phone rings)
Dr. Gablehauser(Picks up the phone) Excuse me. (On phone) Gablehauser. (To Sheldon) It's for you.
Sheldon(On phone) Hello? Penny, this is not a good time. No, I told you, you're not prepared for the Sanctum of Burning Souls. You need to be in a group of at least five and one should be a level 35 healer. No, Penny, I can't log on and help you. We'll talk when I get home. (Hangs up) I'm not getting the computing time, am l? (Dr. Gablehauser shakes his head)
The living room.
Sheldon(Enters) Leonard, you have to do something about Penny. She is interfering with my sleep. She is interfering with my work. And if I had another significant aspect of my life, I'm sure she'd be interfering with that too.
LeonardWhy should I do something? You're the one who introduced her online gaming.
SheldonWell, yes, but you're the one who said hello to her when she moved in. If you'd simply restrained yourself, none of this would be happening.
LeonardWell, you just tell her to leave you alone.
SheldonI did. I told her. I texted her. I sent out a very emphatic Twitter. I even changed my Facebook status to "Sheldon Cooper wishes Penny would leave him alone." I don't know what else to do.
LeonardWell, what am I supposed to do?
SheldonI don't know. But if you don't figure something out, I warn you, I shall become very difficult to live with.
LeonardYou mean, up until now we've been experiencing the happy fun-time Sheldon?
LeonardI'll go talk to her. (Springs up from his seat and leaves)
PennyNo, Fritz, I need you on my flank. No, I don't know German. Flankenzei, flankenzei. (Knocklng on door)
Leonard(Enters) Hey, Penny?
LeonardYeah, I see that. Shouldn't you be at work?
PennyI don't work on Mondays.
LeonardIt's Thursday. Listen, Penny-
PennyUgh. Queen Penelope AFK. What?
LeonardOkay. Uh... Here's the thing. Um, sometimes people, good people, you know, they start playing these games and they find themselves, through no fault of their own, you know, kind of addicted.
PennyYeah, get to the point. I'm about to level up here.
LeonardIt's just, if a person doesn't have a sense of achievement in their real life, it's easy to lose themselves in a virtual world where they can get a false sense of accomplishment.
PennyYeah, jabber, jabber, jabber. (Into the microphone) Okay, boys, Queen Penelope's back online.
LeonardPenny, you've got... Cheetos in your hair.
PennyOh, thanks. (Eats it)
[Continued from earlier. In the game]
LeonardHey, Penny, it's me again, Leonard.
PennyLeonard, I said, not now.
LeonardYeah I know, I'm just a little concerned about you-
PennyI said, not now. (Slays him)
Leonard(From the beheaded head) Okay, maybe later.
RajHey, what's with him?
LeonardPenny's been keeping him up at night.
HowardMe too. (Raj looks at him) But probably in a different way.
LeonardShe's gotten really hooked on "Age of Conan." She's playing non-stop.
RajOh, yes, online gaming addiction. There's nothing worse than having that multiplayer monkey on your back.
LeonardSheldon, wake up.
LeslieAfternoon, men. Sheldon.
SheldonOh, yeah, well, your attempt to juvenilizing me by excluding me from the set of adult males just- Oh, I'm too tired to do this.
LeslieRight. I heard you've been pulling all-nighters with Middle-Earth Barbie.
SheldonShe comes into my room. No one's supposed to be in my room.
LeslieWell, I would postulate she's escaping into the online world to compensate for her sexual frustration.
HowardI do that too. But probably in a different way.
LeonardThat's not what she's doing, Leslie. She's just trying to shore up her self-esteem. It's nothing to do with sex.
LeslieEverything has to do with sex.
HowardMm. Testify. (Try to high five with her)
LeslieI'm not touching that.
LeonardLeslie, you are way off base here.
SheldonNow, hang on, Leonard. While I have no respect for Leslie as a scientist or a human being for that matter, we have to concede her undeniable expertise in the interrelated fields of promiscuity and general sluttiness.
LeslieThank you. My point is that Tinkerbell just needs to get some.
SheldonSome what? Oh, yes, some sexual intercourse.
HowardI'll take the bullet.
LeonardExcuse me, this whole idea's insane.
SheldonEnough debate. I'm going to take action. (To a guy sitting at next table) Excuse me. Are you currently involved in a sexual relationship?
SheldonWould you like to be?
GuyUh... Sure, why not?
SheldonYip, yip, yip. Can I have your phone number?
Guy(Sizes Sheldon up) Uh... Yeah. Yeah. (Grabs Sheldon's hand and starts to write down his number)
Sheldon(Shows the number) There, problem solved.
Leslie(Shakes her head) Dumb-ass.
The living room.
PennyOkay, I'm at the gate to the Treasury of the Ancients. I'm going in.
SheldonStay close to the wall. Avoid the mummies.
SheldonI must say, you're playing very well for a woman of 23?
SheldonRight, 22. [Inputs her information (headoverheelz.com - Online dating profile) (head over heels - excited [link]]
PennyOh, here come the mummies. Which spell do I use? The hateful strike or the frenzy stance?
SheldonWhat happened to the rest of your group?
PennyI dumped them. They're a bunch of wussies.
PennyFrenzy, frenzy, frenzy, frenzy, frenzy.
SheldonSo listen, would you describe your ideal vacation as a wild adventure to unknown lands or staying at home curled up with a good book?
SheldonThese are market-research questions. I'm filling out the online registration for your game.
PennyOh, okay, wild adventure. Oh, frenzy stance isn't working. Die, you undead mummy, die!
SheldonDrink a healing potion.
SheldonYou're welcome. Anyhow, on a scale of one to five with one being, "always initiated by him" and five being, "always initiated by you", how do you prefer your sexual encounters to begin?
PennyThat's on the registration?
SheldonOh, yes, it's quite extensive. But if we complete it, you get a free expansion pack. Seventy-five additional quests.
PennyOh, awesome. Okay, I totally like to initiate. I'm a big old five.
SheldonGood to know. Big old five.
The living room. Leonard enters to find a stranger sitting on the couch.
SheldonLeonard, this is Tom.
LeonardHi, Tom. Sheldon (Motions him to go to the kitchen). Didn't I explain to you about your little mistake in the cafeteria?
SheldonYes, you were very clear, as was everyone else at the table. Tom, however, has been chosen by science as a suitable mate for Penny.
LeonardChosen by science.
SheldonWell, what passes for science on dating sites. They may claim to use heuristic algorithms, but it may well be hokum.
LeonardYou got Penny to sign up for online dating?
SheldonNo, no, of course not. No, see, I used trickery and deceit. (Smirks)
LeonardThis is bad.
SheldonTom is a paramedic with the fire department. But he's going to med school at night. Uh, he likes the outdoors and, uh, strong women who initiate sex.
LeonardReally, really bad.
SheldonI'm surprised you struck out with Penny. Apparently, she's a big old five.
Penny(Enters, holding her laptop) Sheldon, what do you want?
SheldonOh, good, you got my note. Penny, I'd like you to meet Tom. Uh, Penny, this is Tom.
LeonardTom, may I present Penny.
TomHi, Penny. (Reaches out his hand)
Penny(Ignores him) Yeah, hi. (To Sheldon) Listen, as long as I'm here, I'm on my quest with a bunch of newbs, they don't know what they're doing. Got one assassin, three spell casters, no tank.
SheldonCan we talk about this later?
PennyNo no no, I need you now.
SheldonWouldn't you prefer to socialize with Tom, who is a sexually passive outdoorsman?
PennyWhatever, I'll figure it out myself. (Leaves)
TomBye, Penny. (To Sheldon) I'm sorry, dude, she didn't look anything like her picture.
LeonardThey never do.
In the game.
HowardHello, fair Penny.
PennyWho are you?
Howard(Bows) It is I, Sir Howard of Wolowitz. Can I interest you in an afternoon of spirited questing followed by a flagon of ale at Yon virtual tavern?
PennyYeah, sure, why not? (Back to Penny's couch) Oh my God, I need help. (Close the laptop and throws it away)