The living room.
LeonardLet's see, Raj was the Kung Pao chicken.
PennyI'm the dumplings.
HowardYes, you are.
HowardCreepy good or creepy bad?
LeonardWho was the shrimp with lobster sauce?
HowardThat would be me. Come to papa, you un-kosher delight. (To Penny) I'm not necessarily talking to the food.
PennySit over there.
Leonard(Enters. To Penny who is occupying his spot) Sit over there. (Wipes his hands. To Penny) Baby wipe?
PennyWhy do you have-
LeonardNo, don't ask.
HowardNo, don't, don't.
SheldonI'll tell you why. I had to sanitize my hands because the university replaced the paper towels in the restrooms with hot-air blowers.
PennyOh, I thought the blowers were more sanitary.
SheldonHot-air blowers are incubators and spewers of bacteria and pestilence. Frankly, it'd be more hygienic if they just had a plague-infested gibbon sneeze my hands dry.
RajHey, guys, I just got the most amazing new- (Sees Penny and can't pronunce the "s" of "news")
PennyGosh, Raj, do you think you'll ever be able to talk in front of me without being drunk? (Raj shakes his head) Okay, well, I'll just um go eat by myself.
LeonardPenny, you don't have to do that.
PennyNo, it's okay. Between him not talking, (Points at Sheldon) him talking, (Points at Howard) and him, I'm better off alone. (To Raj, and hugs and kisses him) Goodbye, you poor, strange little man. (Leaves)
RajShe's so considerate.
HowardSo, what's your news?
RajRemember that little object I spotted beyond the Kuiper belt?
LeonardOh, yeah, 2008-NQ Sub 17.
RajOr as I call it, Planet Bollywood. Anyway, because of my discovery, People Magazine is naming me one of their 30 Under 30 to Watch.
SheldonExcuse me, 30 what under 30 what to watch what?
RajThirty visionaries under 30 years of age to watch as they challenge the preconceptions of the fields.
SheldonIf I had a million guesses, I never would've gotten that.
RajIt's pretty cool. They've got me in with a guy who's doing something about hunger in lndonesia... and a psychotherapist who's using dolphins to rehabilitate prisoners, and Ellen Page, star of the charming independent film Juno.
HowardOh, I'd so do her.
LeonardYou'd do the dolphins.
HowardDo I get a honorable mention for designing the telescope camera mounting bracket you used?
RajSorry, it's not part of my heartwarming and personal narrative in which a humble boy from New Delhi overcame poverty and prejudice and journeyed to America to reach for the stars.
HowardPoverty? Your father's a gynecologist. He drives a Bentley.
RajIt's a lease.
SheldonI'm confused. Was there some sort of peer-review committee to determine which scientists would be included?
RajPeer review? It's People Magazine. People picked me.
RajThe-the-the people from People.
SheldonYeah, but exactly who are these people? What are their credentials? How are they qualified? What makes accidentally noticing a hunk of rock traipsing around the solar system for billions of years more noteworthy than any other scientific accomplishment by someone under 30?
RajBoy, I bet Ellen Page's friends aren't giving her this kind of crap. (Gets up angrily)
Leonard(To Sheldon) You proud of yourself?
SheldonIn general, yes.
Sheldon's office. He's writing on his board.
SheldonOh, there's my missing neutrino. You were hiding from me as an unbalanced charge, weren't you, you little subatomic dickens?
Leonard(Enters with Howard) Hi, Sheldon.
SheldonHey, look, look, I found my missing neutrino.
HowardOh, good, we can take it off the milk carton.
LeonardWe're gonna apologize to Raj and invite him out to dinner.
SheldonApologize? For what?
LeonardOh, he came over last night with some pretty good news and we weren't very supportive.
SheldonI sense you're trying to tell me something.
HowardYou were a colossal asshat.
SheldonOh. No, I beg to differ. Of the three of us, I was by far the most supportive.
LeonardReally? Do tell.
SheldonHow will Raj ever reach true greatness if his friends lower the bar for him? When I was 11, my sister bought our father a "world's greatest dad" coffee mug. And frankly, the man coasted until the day he died.
LeonardOkay, let's try it this way. What if this People Magazine thing is the best Raj is ever going to achieve?
SheldonI had not considered that.
LeonardMm-hm. Come on. (Motions him to leave)
SheldonI often forget other people have limitations. It's so sad.
HowardHe can feel sadness?
LeonardNot really. It's what you and I would call condescension.
Outside Raj's office.
LeonardNow, when we go in there, let's show Raj that we're happy for him.
SheldonBut I'm not.
HowardWell, then fake it. Look at me. I could be grinding on the fact that without my stabilizing telescope mount, he never would have found that stupid little clump of cosmic schmutz. But I'm bigger than that.
SheldonFine. What do you want me to do?
LeonardSmile. (Sheldon put on a big "smile")
HowardOh, crap, that's terrifying.
LeonardWe're here to see Koothrappali, not kill Batman.
HowardTry less teeth. (Sheldon put on a medium "smile")
LeonardClose enough. Come on. (Enters) Hey, Raj.
RajHey, guys. What's up?
HowardWe just wanted to invite you out to dinner tonight.
LeonardCelebrate your 30 Under 30 thing. Right, Sheldon? (He "smiles")
RajIt's very nice of you. I would like that.
Dr. Gablehauser(Enters) Hello, boys.
Dr. GablehauserDr. Koothrappali.
Dr. GablehauserDr. Hofstadter.
Dr. GablehauserDr. Cooper.
Dr. GablehauserMr. Wolowitz. Boys, I've got a question for you. Who in this room discovered a star?
RajActually, 2008-NQ sub-17 is a planetary body.
Dr. GablehauserI'm not talking about you, I'm talking about me. You, my exotic young friend, are my star. (Goes over to him and rubs him on the shoulder)
SheldonBut you didn't discover him. You merely noticed he was here, much like he did with 2008-NQ sub-17.
SheldonUgh. Sorry. ("Smiles")
Dr. GablehauserBoy, we gotta get you into a better office. Something more suited to your status.
RajReally, you don't have to go to any trouble.
Dr. GablehauserHow about I put you in von Gerlach's old office?
RajI'd rather have Fishbein's. It's bigger.
Dr. GablehauserDone. (They shake hands)
HowardWait, I called dibs on Fishbein's office the day he started showing up at work in his bathrobe.
SheldonHe gets a new office, I can't even get paper towels in the mens' room?
SheldonDamn, this is hard. ("Smiles" and glares at Leonard, and then "smiles")
Dr. GablehauserLet me ask you, what do you think the business of this place is?
(Leonard and Howard whisper indistinctly)
Dr. GablehauserAnd this boy's picture in People Magazine......is gonna raise us a pile of money taller than (Pause) Well, taller than you. (Rubs Howard's head)
HowardI have a Master's degree.
Dr. GablehauserWho doesn't? Dr. Koothrappali, have you ever had lunch in the president's dining room?
RajI didn't even know there was a president's dining room.
Dr. GablehauserIt's the same food as the cafeteria, only fresh. Come on, little buddy.
RajOkay, big buddy. See you tonight, guys. (They leave, holding each other)
LeonardYou can stop smiling now.
SheldonAh. (Rubs his cheeks)
RajSo anyway, after a fantastic lunch I was whisked off to the People Magazine photo shoot- Have any of you was into a photo shoot?
RajIt's fantastic. Apparently, the camera loves me, and I, it. They shot me in front of a starry background where I posed like this (Mimes "looking at the enormous universe") They're going to digitally add a supernova. They say it's the perfect metaphor for my incandescent talent.
SheldonRight, a ball of hot, flaming gas that collapses upon itself. (Leonard nudges him)
(Cell phone rings)
RajExcuse me. Oh, it's my assistant, Trevor. Go for Koothrappali. Uh-huh.
HowardThey gave him an assistant? If I want a new pen, I have to go to the bank with wire cutters.
Sheldon(Smiles) Have we at this point met our social obligations?
Leonard(Smiles) Not yet.
Raj(On phone) Okay, just put it on my calendar but start thinking of a reason why I can't go. Alrighty? Koothrappali out. God bless that boy. I don't know what I'd do without him.
LeonardYou just got him this afternoon.
RajYes, but I'm finding that having a lackey suits me.
RajI'm sorry, is that politically incorrect? In lndia, we just call them untouchables.
RajSpeaking of untouchables, I've got great news for you guys. People Magazine is having a reception this Saturday, and I managed to get you invited.
HowardOh, gee, thanks.
RajOh, you're welcome. Of course, I couldn't get you into the VlP section......because, you know, that's for VlPs, and you guys are just, you know, P's.
SheldonThere's a tribe in Papua New Guinea where when a hunter flaunts his success to the rest of the village, they kill him and drive away evil spirits with a drum made of his skin. Superstitious nonsense, of course, but one can see their point. ("Smiles")
Penny(Brings him a Grasshopper) Here you go, Raj. You might wanna drink this one slowly.
RajOkay. So, Saturday night, can I count on my posse?
HowardGee, I'd love to, Raj, but I can't make it.
RajOh, okay. Leonard?
LeonardWell, uh... No I could, no.
SheldonI can make it, but I won't.
PennyWhat are you guys talking about?
RajWell there's a reception for my magazine article on Saturday.
PennyYou guys aren't going? I can't believe you. Raj is celebrating a tremendous accomplishment. You're not gonna be there to support him?
SheldonA tremendous accomplishment would be if the planetary body he discovered was plummeting toward Earth and he exploded it with his mind.
HowardThat would be cool. I'd go to that reception.
PennyCome on, this is huge. Raj is gonna be in People Magazine and he didn't even have to knock up one of the Spears sisters.
RajWould you like to go with me?
PennyOf course I would. I would be honored.
PennyShame on you guys.
RajLook at that, I got a date with Penny. (To Leonard) I can't believe it took you a whole year.
LeonardNow. (Leonard, Sheldon and Howard leave)
Raj(To some guy at the next table) Hey, buddy. I'm gonna be in People Magazine.
Guy(Turns out he's Charlie Sheen) Yeah, call me when you're on the cover.
Outside Penny's apartment. Raj kicks on the door and downs a drink.
PennyOh, Raj, look at you.
RajI know. I'm resplendent like the noonday sun, am I not?
PennyUm, yeah. Starting with the champagne a little early, aren't you?
RajIt was in the limo. They sent a limo. I have a limo. I just love saying limo. Here. (Hands her a glass) Sip on this while you're getting ready.
PennyOh, I'm ready.
RajThat's what you're wearing?
PennyUm, yeah. Why, what's wrong with it?
RajNothing. I was just hoping for something a little more, you know, ridonkulous.
PennyYeah. Well, this is all the "donkulous" you're gonna get tonight. (Downs the champagne)
RajOkey dokey. Let's roll. All right, it's time to raise the roof. Ooh-ooh. (Dances)
LeonardYou look very nice.
Raj and PennyThank you.
PennyCome on. Good night, Leonard.
RajHey Leonard, do you see my limo downstairs?
RajIt's bigger than the house my grandfather grew up in.
RajIt has more food too.
PennyAll right. Come on, come on.
(Raj sings Get The Party Started)
The living room.
HowardHey, good news. You don't have to sulk about Penny anymore. Look, There are hundreds of Croatian women just waiting for you to contact them.
HowardI'll lend you my username. It's Wealthy Big Penis.
HowardYou gotta make it easy for them. They're just learning English.
HowardSo you're just gonna sit around here and mope while Penny is out with Dr. Apu from the Kwik-E-Mart?
LeonardIt's not a date and that's racist.
HowardIt can't be racist. He's a beloved character on The Simpsons.
LeonardLet's just eat so I can get to bed. With any luck, tonight will be the night my sleep apnea kills me. (Goes over to the kitchen)
SheldonDid you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced, not shredded?
SheldonEven though the menu specifies shredded?
SheldonBrown rice, not white?
SheldonDid you stop at the Korean grocery and get the hot mustard?
SheldonDid you pick up the low-sodium soy sauce at the market?
SheldonWhat took you so long?
Leonard(Glares at him) Just sit down and eat.
SheldonFine. (Opens the takeout box and shows Leonard the chicken)
LeonardAll right, it's shredded. What do you want me to do?
SheldonI want you to check before you accept the order.
SheldonWere you distracted by the possibility that Koothrappali might have intercourse with Penny tonight?
LeonardHe's not going to have intercourse with Penny.
SheldonThen there's no excuse for this chicken. You know, this situation with Koothrappali brings to mind a story from my childhood.
HowardOh, goody, more tales from the Panhandle.
SheldonThat's Northwest Texas. I'm from East Texas, the Gulf region. Home to many Vietnamese shrimpers.
LeonardDo the shrimpers feature in your story?
SheldonNo. Anyway, when I was 8, a Montgomery Ward delivery van ran over our family cat, Lucky.
LeonardHe's irony-impaired. Just move on.
HowardOkay, dead cat named Lucky. Continue.
SheldonWhile others mourned Lucky, I realized his untimely demise provided me with the opportunity to replace him with something more suited to my pet needs. A faithful companion that I could snuggle with at night, yet would be capable of killing upon telepathic command.
HowardSo, not a puppy?
SheldonPlease. No, nothing so pedestrian. I wanted a griffin.
SheldonYes, half eagle, half lion.
SheldonIrrelevant. Yeah, I was studying recombinant DNA technology and I was confidant I could create one but my parents were unwilling to secure the necessary eagle eggs and lion semen. (Upset) Of course, my sister got swimming lessons when she wanted them.
HowardSheldon, not that we don't all enjoy a good lion-semen story (Pauses) What's your point?
SheldonMy point is, if Koothrappali is moving on to a new life of shallow, undeserved fame then perhaps this is an opportunity to create a better cohort.
LeonardYou wanna breed a new friend?
SheldonThat's one option, but who has the time? But consider this. The Japanese, they're doing some wonderful work with artificial intelligence. Now, you combine that with some animatronics from the imagineers over at Disney. Next thing you know, we're playing Halo with a multilingual Abraham Lincoln.
HowardSheldon, don't take this the wrong way, but you're insane.
LeonardThat may well be, but the fact is it wouldn't kill us to meet some new people.
SheldonFor the record, it could kill us to meet new people. They could be murderers, the carriers of unusual pathogens. And I'm not insane. My mother had me tested.
LeonardIf we do get a new friend, he should be a guy you can trust. You know, a guy who has your back.
HowardAnd he should have a lot of money, live in a cool place down by the beach where we can throw parties.
SheldonHe should share our love of technology.
HowardAnd he should know a lot of women.
LeonardOkay, let's see, money, women, technology. Okay, we're agreed. Our new friend is going to be Iron Man.
Raj's apartment. Penny and Raj enter.
(Raj sings "I can go all night if you know what I mean" [lyrics])
RajWelcome to the Raj Mahal.
PennyVery nice. Good night, Raj.
RajNo no wait, the evening's not over.
PennyYes, it is.
RajNo, it's time to put on some R. Kelly and suck face.
PennyOh, wow, is the evening over. (Turns round and starts to leave)
RajWait, wait, wait. That's my mommy and daddy calling from lndia. I want you to meet my parents.
PennyWait, meet them?
RajHello, Mommy and Daddy. Good to see you. How are you? I'm not drunk.
Mrs. KoothrappaliWhy would you say that?
RajJust making conversation. Mommy, Daddy, I want you to meet my new squeeze, Penny.
PennyI am not your squeeze. (To Dr. and Ms. Koothrappali) There is no squeezing.
Dr. KoothrappaliI can 't see her. Center her in the frame.
RajHere you go. Cute, huh?
Mrs. Koothrappali(Unhappily) She's not Indian.
Dr. KoothrappaliSo she's not Indian. The boy's just sowing some wild oats.
PennyNo, no, no, there's no sowing, no squeezing and no sucking face.
Mrs. KoothrappaliWhat if he gets her pregnant? Is this little hotsy-totsy who you want as the mother of your grandchildren?
RajWhat right do you have to pick whom I have children with?
Dr. KoothrappaliLook, Rajesh, I understand you're in America. You want to try the "local cuisine." (Air quotes) But trust me, you don't want it for a steady diet.
RajNow, you listen to me. I am no longer a child and I will not be spoken to like one. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go throw up.
Mrs. KoothrappaliWhat's wrong with him?
PennyI don't know. Maybe it's the local cuisine. Okay, well, it's nice to meet you. Just gonna set you on down over here. (Sets down the laptop) And I'm gonna leave, so, namaste. (Leaves but comes back) And FYl, you'd be lucky to have me as a daughter-in-law. (Leaves)
Dr. KoothrappaliShe's feisty. I like that.
Penny's apartment. Raj is pushing something under the door.
PennyRaj, what are you doing? No, no notes. If you have something to say to me, say it.
Raj(In high-pitched voice) Sorry.
PennyOh, sweetie, it's okay. (Hugs him)
(Leonard sees them, and Raj puts his thumbs up. Leonard looks at Sheldon, who "smiles")