The living room. Leonard enters and slumps onto the couch.
SheldonGood morning, Leonard.
SheldonYeah we're gonna have to stop by Pottery Barn on the way to work. I bought these Star Wars sheets. But They turned out to be much too stimulating to be compatible with a good night's sleep. I don't like the way Darth Vader stares at me.
LeonardI'm not going to work.
SheldonJust because your career's been stagnant for a few years, that's no reason to give up.
LeonardSheldon, I was up all night using the new free-electron laser for my X-ray diffraction experiment.
SheldonDid the laser accidentally burn out your retinas?
SheldonThen you can drive. Let's go.
LeonardDidn't I tell you I'd be working nights and you'd have to make other arrangements?
SheldonI didn't. Let's go.
LeonardGood night, Sheldon.
SheldonBut how am I going to get to work?
LeonardTake the bus.
SheldonBut I can't take the bus anymore. They don't have seat belts. And they won't let you lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords.
LeonardYou tried to lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords?
SheldonI didn't try, I succeeded. But for some reason, it alarmed the other passengers and I was asked to de-bus.
LeonardOh, you're a big boy. You'll figure it out.
SheldonDon't talk to me like I'm a child. Now take me to return my Star Wars sheets.
SheldonPenny? Penny? Penny?
PennySheldon, what is it?
PennyThanks for the update.
SheldonNo, wait. You have to drive me to work.
PennyYeah, I-I really don't think I do.
SheldonBut I don't drive and I can't take the bus.
PennyAlright honey, you'll be fine as long as you don't do that bungee cord thing, ok?
SheldonPenny. Didn't you recently state that you and I are friends?
PennyYes, Sheldon, we are friends.
SheldonThen I hereby invoke, what I'm given to understand, is an integral part of the implied covenant of friendship, (Pauses) the favor.
PennyOh, dear God.
SheldonI'm sorry, I didn't realize I was interrupting your morning prayers. When you're done, we'll go.
SheldonThank you for driving me to work.
PennyYou know this is my day off, Sheldon.
SheldonOh, good, I'm not keeping you from anything. Your check-engine light is on.
SheldonTypically that's an indicator to, you know, check your engine.
PennyIt's fine. It's been on for, like, a month.
SheldonWell, actually, that would be all the more reason to, you know, check your engine.
PennySheldon, it's fine.
Sheldonlf it were fine, the light wouldn't be on. That's why the manufacturer installed that light, to let you know it's not fine.
PennyOh, maybe the light's broken.
SheldonIs there a check-the-check-engine-light light? (Penny drinks from her bottle) Oh.
SheldonStudies have shown that performing tasks such as eating, talking on a cellphone or drinking coffee while driving reduces one's reaction time by the same factor as an ounce of alcohol.
PennyDo you have any alcohol?
SheldonOf course not.
SheldonYou're going up Euclid Avenue?
SheldonLeonard takes Los Robles Avenue.
PennyOh, good for Leonard.
SheldonEuclid Avenue is shorter as the crow flies, but it has speed bumps which increase point-to-point drive time, making it the less efficient choice. (Penny stares at him) But you have the conn. (Speed bump thumps) Oh! Of course if you're not going to slow down for the speed bumps, I withdraw my previous objection. Here's a fun question. Do you know what the most common street name is?
SheldonThe answer's tricky. It's Second Street. You see, you'd think it would be First Street. But In most towns, First Street eventually gets renamed to something else. You know, like Main Street, Broad Street, Michigan Avenue. You know, Leonard and I often use our commute time to exercise our minds with brain teasers like that. We also play games. Would you like to play one?
PennyOh, come on, it's fun. (Speed bump thumps) Whoo! Another bump. Okay. Uh, I'll say an element and, uh, you say an element whose name starts with the last letter of the one I said, okay? (No response) I'll start. Helium. Now, you could say, "Mercury." That would give me a Y. Ooh, very clever. That's a tough one. So I go with ytterbium, which gets you back to M. So you go, "Molybdenum." And I say magnesium. And you say "Manganese." I say europium. And you're left with "Mendelevium." And there are no more M's, because I believe that meitnerium should still be called eka-iridium. So congratulations, you win. Do you wanna go again?
PennyHow about we just have a little quiet time now?
SheldonAll right. (Speed bump thumps; Sheldon whimpers) I'm sorry. I'm finding your reckless nonchalance regarding the check-engine light to be very troubling.
Penny(Pulls over) Get out.
SheldonWell, I have to tell you that while I do have a theoretical understanding of the workings of an internal-combustion engine, I'm not sure I'm capable of performing diagnostics.
PennyI said, "Get out."
SheldonOkay, I'll give it a shot. (Penny pulls away; Sheldon is stunned)
LeonardOh, Leonard, there you are. I'm ready to go home.
LeonardI just got here.
SheldonGood. Perfect timing.
LeonardSheldon, I told you I only have access to the free-electron laser at night. I can't drive you for the next few weeks.
SheldonNo. You said you couldn't drive me to work. This is from work.
Leonard(Frustrated) Howard, help me out here.
HowardNo, just for the fun of it, I'm gonna take his side.
SheldonNow, how do you propose I get home?
LeonardHow did you get here in the first place?
SheldonPenny. But I sense that's not longer an option.
LeonardLook, I need to get to the laser lab. You're just gonna have to find someone else to take you home.
(Sheldon looks at Howard)
HowardOh, damn. I picked the wrong side.
[Howard's scooter. Sheldon's screaming]
SheldonOh, God, not Euclid Avenue. (Screams)
RajWhy did Howard leave you in the middle of the road, anyway?
SheldonWe had a difference of opinion.
SheldonWhether or not he was trying to kill me. For the record, I maintain he was. Where are you going?
LeonardI'm taking you home.
SheldonBut I'm not going home. It's Wednesday. Wednesday is New Comic Book Day. We have to go to the comic book store. And then we have to stop at Souplantation. It's Creamy Tomato Soup Day. And RadioShack. There's a sale on triple-A batteries. We have to go to Pottery Barn and return my Star Wars sheets.
RajI have a better idea.
SheldonYou wanna go to Pottery Barn first? (Raj glares at him)
SheldonCan you drive me to Pottery Barn? (She closes the door) Maybe if I turn off the nightlight, I can keep the sheets.
The living room. Everyone's there.
LeonardSheldon, sit down.
SheldonShe's in my spot. (Penny and Howard scooches over) Don't look at me like that. Everybody knows that's my spot.
PennySheldon, you know that we care about you.
HowardAnd it's because we care about you that we've decided we have to speak up.
PennyYou're hurting the people around you, sweetie.
LeonardSo we've made you an appointment, and we want you to keep it. (Hands him a pamphlet)
Sheldon"Department of Motor Vehicles New Driver Handbook"? (Raj nods; Penny smiles) But I don't have a problem.
LeonardSheldon, you need to learn how to drive.
HowardThis madness has to stop.
LeonardPenny's taking you to the DMV. I'm going to bed.
LeonardBecause rock breaks scissors. Good night.
PennyAll right. Come on, Sheldon.
SheldonHold on. I've one condition.
SheldonWe have to stop at Pottery Barn.
SheldonAnd the comic book store.
PennyAll right. (She and Sheldon leave)
HowardI wanna go to the comic book store. (Leaves)
Raj(Now alone. Wriggles in his chair) I like comic books.
DMV. Sheldon, Penny, and Howard are in line.
SheldonI still don't see why I need a driver's license. Albert Einstein never had a driver's license.
HowardYeah, but Albert Einstein didn't make me wet myself at 40 miles an hour.
PennyYeah, and I never wanted to kick Albert Einstein in the nuts. You know, I gotta ask: Why didn't you just get a license at 16 like everybody else?
SheldonI was otherwise engaged.
SheldonExamining perturbative amplitudes in N = 4 supersymmetric theories, leading to a re-examination of the ultraviolet properties of multi-loop N = 8 supergravity using modern twistor theory.
PennyWell, how about when you were 17?
Woman(To a woman) Take this to the testing area. Put your name at the top. Sign the bottom, answer the questions, bring it back. Next. (Sheldon goes up) Application?
SheldonI'm actually more of a theorist.
HowardThe application in your hand. Give it to her.
WomanTake this to the testing area. Put your name at the top. Sign the bottom, answer the questions, bring it back. Next.
SheldonExcuse me, but I have some concerns about these questions.
WomanLook at the sign up there.
WomanDoes it say, "I give a damn"?
WomanThat's because I don't.
SheldonJust look. See, this first question makes no sense. Look, "How many car lengths should you leave in front of you when driving?" There's no possible way to answer that. A car length is not a standardized unit of measure.
WomanLook at the sign.
PennySheldon, it's C. Just put down C.
SheldonI don't need your help, Penny.
WomanListen to that little girl, honey. Put C. Next.
SheldonNo, no. Wait, no, hang on. Take a look at this next question.
HowardSheldon, why are you arguing with the DMV?
SheldonHow else are they going to learn? Look, question two: "When are roadways most slippery?" Now, okay, there are three answers, none of which are correct. The correct answer is, "When covered by a film of liquids sufficient to reduce the coefficient to static friction between the tire and the road to precision zero. But not so deep as to introduce a new source of friction."
WomanHere's your learner's permit. Go away.
SheldonBut I'm not done. I-I have many additional concerns about these questions.
WomanDon't make me climb over this counter.
PennyAll right, come on. Let's go.
The living room.
HowardOkay. That's it. Let's boot it up.
HowardThis is a state-of-the-art simulator. I adapted it from something a friend of mine designed for the Army.
SheldonIs that why I appear to be in downtown Fallujah behind the wheel of an up-armored Humvee?
HowardI haven't configured it yet. Let's see. Bradley tank. Transport truck. Batmobile.
HowardHere we go. Red 2006 Ford Taurus on the streets of Pasadena.
SheldonStatistically, red cars are stopped by police far more often than any other color. I don't want any hassles with the fuzz.
HowardFine, what color do you want?
SheldonYou know the pale blue of Luke Skywalker's lightsaber? Before it was digitally remastered.
HowardBlack it is.
LeonardOkay. Now, what you wanna do first is turn on the ignition and shift into drive.
SheldonYeah, I haven't fastened my seat belt yet.
LeonardOkay, fasten your seat belt.
Sheldon(Mimes fastening his seat belt) Click. Are there air bags?
LeonardYou don't need air bags.
SheldonWhat if a simulated van rear-ends me?
PennyI'll hit you in the face with a pillow.
LeonardOkay, now shift into drive. And pull out slowly into traffic.
LeonardOkay. Watch that, Watch out for the pedestrians.
PennyOh, God, wait. Slow down. Hit the brakes. Hit the brakes.
(Tires screeching; car crashes; Penny hits him in the face with a pillow)
[Continued from earlier]
SheldonSorry. Excuse me. My bad. Student driver.
LeonardHow did you manage to get on the second floor of the Glendale Galleria?
SheldonI don't know. I was on the Pasadena Freeway, and missed my exit, flew off the overpass, and one thing led to another.
LeonardMaybe you wanna give it a rest and try again tomorrow.
SheldonNo. I quit. (Car crashes; crowd shouting; animals chirping and whimpering)
LeonardOh. The pet store.
SheldonRemind me to compliment Wolowitz on the software. It's amazingly detailed.
LeonardSo wait. You're just gonna give up?
SheldonNo, I'm not giving up. No, I never give up.
LeonardSo, what is it you're doing?
SheldonI'm, uh, transcending the situation. I'm clearly too evolved for driving.
LeonardWhat does that mean?
SheldonLeonard, have you ever wondered why my little toes and lateral incisors are significantly smaller than the average for someone of my size?
LeonardI wonder a lot of things about you, Sheldon, but not that.
SheldonWell, those are indicators that I'm farther along the evolutionary scale than the average human.
SheldonYeah, wait, no, I'm not gonna so far as to say that I represent a distinct new stage in humankind. You know, a Homo novus, if you will. No, that's for anthropologists to decide. But, I am convinced that the reason I cannot master......the plebeian task of driving is because I'm not meant to.
LeonardYes, you are. You're meant to learn how to drive. Please learn how to drive.
SheldonNo, no. Leonard, I'm meant for greater things, like unraveling the mysteries of the universe, not determining when it's safe to pass a stopped school bus on a country road.
LeonardIt's never safe.
SheldonYeah, well, I know that now.
LeonardFine. Assuming that everything you say is true, how does the biologically superior Homo novus get to work tomorrow morning?
SheldonHomo novus doesn't know.
LeonardWell, hang in there. Maybe you'll evolve into something with wings. (Smiles mockingly)
Outside Sheldon's office.
Sheldon(Comes out his office, wearing a robe and a shower cap) Good morning, gentlemen.
RajGood morning. Is there some new kind of casual Friday I don't know about?
LeonardNo, he lives here now.
LeonardWell, since he won't take the bus and he's too evolved to drive......he decided it would be easier to sleep in his office......and shower in the radiation lab until I'm finished with my experiment.
RajBut you finished your experiment a week ago.
Janitor #1(In Spanish) Oh my God. Again?
Janitor #2It must be rats.
Janitor #1Rats don't make toast and cut off the crust.
SheldonYou saw nothing.