LeonardSo, if any of you are considering going into experimental physics, my door is always open. Once again, I'm sorry that the demonstration didn't quite work out. But now we know what happens when you accidentally spill peach Snapple into a helium-neon laser. Short answer is... don't. Then now, to tell you about the Theoretical Physics Department is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. (Applause) Dr. Cooper?
LeonardExcuse me. Sheldon, we both agreed to do this.
SheldonIt's a waste of time. I might as well explain thermodynamics to a bunch of Labradoodles.
LeonardIf you don't do this, I won't take you to the comic book store.
Sheldon(Appears) Hello. Nice work with the laser, by the way. Looking out at your fresh young faces, I remember when I too was deciding my academic future as a lowly graduate student. Of course, I was 14 and I already had achieved more than you could ever hope to... despite my 9:00 bedtime. Now, there may be one or two of you in this room who has what it takes to succeed in theoretical physics. Or, it's more likely that you will spend your careers teaching fifth graders how to make paper mache volcanoes with baking soda lava.
LeonardOh, good God.
SheldonIn short, anyone who told you that you would someday be able to make any significant contribution to physics played a cruel trick on you. A cruel trick indeed. Any questions? Uh, of course not. I weep for the future of science. Now, if you'll excuse me, the latest issue of Batman is out. (Leaves) Come, Leonard.
LeonardLaser demonstration's looking pretty good now, huh?
RajI love this time of the year. The leaves are turning. There's a bracing chill in the air.
HowardPlus, there's a whole new crop of female grad students about to put on just enough winter weight to make them needy and vulnerable. That's right, honey, have another calzone. Daddy can wait.
RajIsn't there a university policy against dating graduate students?
LeonardNo. If you can talk to them, you can ask them out.
RajDamn. There's always a catch.
LeslieSo, dumb-ass, I heard you made a grad student throw up last night.
SheldonThe truth can indeed be a finger down the throat of those unprepared to hear it. But why should I cater to second-rate minds?
LeslieBecause first-rate minds call you dumb-ass?
LeonardOh, yeah? Well- You're a mean person.
RamonaExcuse me, Dr. Cooper? I'm Ramona Nowitzki. I was at your talk last night. I think you're just brilliant.
SheldonThat is the prevailing opinion.
LeslieGod, now I'm gonna throw up.
HowardHoward Wolowitz, Department of Engineering, co-designer of the International Space Station's liquid-waste-disposal system.
Ramona(Coldly) Ew. Dr. Cooper, I've read everything you've published. I especially liked your paper on grand unification using string-network condensates and was wondering how you determined that three-dimensional string nets provided a unified picture of fermions and gauge bosons.
SheldonAmazing. An intelligent Labradoodle.
SheldonThe fact is, I'm quite close to a breakthrough in showing how neutrinos emerge from a string-net condensate.
RamonaOh, my God. That would change the way we view the entire physical universe.
SheldonIt's what I do.
HowardYou know, the Pishkin-Wolowitz liquid-waste-disposal system is turning a few heads as well.
RamonaAgain, ew. (To Sheldon) You know, I'd love to hear more about how you intend to add neutrinos. Could we get a cup of coffee sometime?
SheldonI don't drink coffee.
HowardI do. I love me a cup of Joe.
RamonaWell, it doesn't have to be coffee. How about dinner?
SheldonI do eat dinner.
RamonaGreat. I know a terrific little ltalian place.
SheldonI never eat in strange restaurants. One runs the risk of non-standard cutlery.
LeonardSheldon lives in fear of the three-tined fork.
SheldonThree tines is not a fork. Three tines is a trident. Forks are for eating, tridents are for ruling seven seas.
RamonaWhat if I brought food to your place?
SheldonThat would be acceptable. On Mondays, I eat Thai food. Mee Krob and chicken satay with extra peanut sauce from Siam Palace.
RamonaYou got it. I already have your address. (Leaves)
SheldonWhat a nice girl.
HowardSheldon, do you have any idea what just happened?
SheldonYes. Apparently, I'm getting a free dinner.
First floor of the building. Ramona presses the elevator button. Penny enters.
PennyOh, yeah, no, this thing's majorly out of order. (Picks up an "OUT OF ORDER" sign which is facing downwards and sticks it to the door) See? Sorry.
RamonaOkay. Guess I'm taking the stairs.
PennyWhere you going?
PennyOh, are you here to see Leonard?
RamonaNo, Dr. Cooper.
PennyDr. Sheldon Cooper?
RamonaWe're having dinner.
PennySheldon Cooper? Tall, thin, looks a little like a giant praying mantis?
RamonaHe is cute, isn't he?
The living room.
LeonardHey, Ramona. Come on in.
RamonaThanks. Where should I put this?
LeonardThe kitchen's fine. (To Penny) Hey. What are you doing?
PennyI need to see this.
LeonardUh-huh. (Points at the couch, on which Raj and Howard are already sitting) The viewing area's right over there. Sheldon, your girl- date- person- Ramona's here.
RamonaOh, sorry I'm late. I just got so caught up reading the draft of your latest paper.
SheldonDid you enjoy the humorous footnote where I illustrate mirror symmetry by likening it to the Flash playing tennis with himself?
RamonaSo funny. (Laughs) (Penny and the guys stare at them in amazement) But the idea that you might be able to incorporate gravity, I have to tell you, I found it physically exhilarating.
SheldonMy hypotheses tend to have that effect.
RamonaI'm sorry I didn't bring enough for your friends. (To his friends) I assumed we were going to be alone.
LeonardOh. Yeah. No, we were just going.
HowardTo watch, right?
LeonardNo. Come on now. We're going out.
PennyOh, come on. We'll be quiet.
Leonard(Motions them to leave) Let's go. Okay, you two. You just have a nice whatever this is. (Closes the door)
PennyOkay, you guys, look, I-I know this is none of my business, but I just- I have to ask. What's Sheldon's deal?
LeonardWhat do you mean, "deal"?
PennyYou know, like, what's his deal? Is it girls? Guys? Sock puppets?
LeonardHonestly, we've been operating under the assumption that he has no deal.
PennyOh, come on, everybody has a deal.
HowardNot Sheldon. Over the years, we've formulated many theories about how he might reproduce. I'm an advocate of mitosis.
HowardI believe, one day, Sheldon will eat an enormous amount of Thai food and split into two Sheldons.
LeonardOn the other hand, I think Sheldon might be the larval form of his species. In some day He'll spin a cocoon and emerge two months later with moth wings and an exoskeleton.
PennyOkay, well, thanks for the nightmares.
LeonardHey, do you wanna hang out with us?
PennyWell, what are you guys gonna do?
HowardMy mom's making a brisket tonight.
LeonardThe one with the little onions?
RajHmm. (Raises his thumbs up)
PennyYeah, I'm busy. So, good night.
HowardHer loss. Let's go.
RajBrisket party. B to the R to the l-S-K. To the E to the T to the... (Leonard is not amused) Ooh-
LeonardHey. Aren't you having breakfast?
LeonardAre you experimenting with nutritional suppositories again?
SheldonNot in these pants.
LeonardSo, how'd it go with Ramona last night?
SheldonOh, great. She's smart, insightful. And She has a very unique way of, you know, revering me.
RamonaHere's your spinach-mushroom omelet.
SheldonThank you. Did anyone touch it?
RamonaGloves were worn by everyone involved. I was vigilant.
SheldonYeah, Ramona pointed out that I've been wasting 20 minutes a day standing on cafeteria lines.
RamonaTime which would be better spent tackling the great physics problems of our day.
SheldonBut you don't tackle the big issues, Ramona. You fence with them. En garde. Riposte. (Ramona laughs)
LeonardOh, hey, Leslie.
LeslieSo, Sheldon, I see you're organizing your papers for the Smithsonian Museum of Dumb-Assery.
RamonaThere won't be any room until they get rid of the permanent Leslie Winkle exhibit.
SheldonOh, good one.
LeslieI see you got a grad student to fight your battles. I'll let you keep your lunch money today.
RamonaOkay, Dr. Cooper is on the verge of a breakthrough. If you're going to stay, you'll have to be respectful and quiet. (Leslie leaves without saying anything)
LeonardWait for me. (Leaves)
RamonaSo, have you worked out the neutrino issue?
SheldonWell, to paraphrase Mozart, all the subatomic particles are there. I just have to put them in the right order.
RamonaYou're so witty.
The apartment. Penny knocks on the door.
PennyHey, guys, this package came for- (Sees that Sheldon is working and Ramona is cutting his toenails)
RamonaDr. Cooper is working.
SheldonYes, I'm close to a breakthrough. Oh! Tickles.
PennySorry. (Sets the package on a table and then leaves. In the hall) Holy crap on a cracker.
PennyHi. You probably don't wanna go in there.
LeonardWhy? What are they doing?
PennyYou know, the only way I could explain it would be in a therapist's office with dolls.
Leonard(Enters) Ooh, boy.
RamonaDr. Cooper's working.
LeonardYeah, I can see that. Sheldon, Halo night, Koothrappali's. You coming?
SheldonOh, yes, it's Halo night. Let me just dry my tootsies.
RamonaYou're not going to Halo night.
SheldonYes, I am. It's Wednesday. Wednesday's Halo night.
RamonaDidn't a great man once say, "Science demands nothing less than the fervent and unconditional dedication of our entire lives"?
RamonaAnd who was that great man?
SheldonMe. Sorry, Leonard.
LeonardSeriously? You're not coming?
SheldonYou heard her. How can I argue with me?
LeonardOkay. Well, once again, you guys have a good... whatever this is. (Leaves)
RamonaDr. Cooper, I have to tell you, your friends are holding you back.
SheldonI prefer to think of it as I'm pulling them forward.
RamonaHalo night? A man with your intellectual gifts doesn't waste an evening playing video games.
SheldonHe does on Wednesdays.
RamonaNot if he wants a Nobel Prize.
SheldonHe does want that. Does a man with my intellectual gifts play paintball on weekends?
RamonaWhat do you think?
RamonaNow, shall we get back to work?
SheldonI suppose. (Pauses) Battlestar Galactica comes on tonight. (Ramona glances at him) I guess I can wait for the DVD. And then never, ever watch it.
Montage. Sheldon is torn. Raj, Leonard, and Howard are in the doorway, dressed in paintball outfit. Sheldon is using his laptop, dressed in paintball outfit too. Ramona is at the kitchen counter.
You can be my Yoko Ono (Sheldon waves goodbye to the guys; they leave)
You can follow me where I go (Ramona pulls the shower curtain to reveal Sheldon's playing PSP in the tub. She motions him "Give me it")
Be my, be my, be my Yoko Ono, whoa-oa (Ramona sntaches a book from Sheldon's hands to reveal he's reading BATMAN)
Now that I'm far away, it doesn't seem to me to be such a pain (Sheldon, dressed in paintball outfit, sneaks out of the apartment, and then runs back when he sees Ramona, who is returning with groceries)
To have you hanging off my ankle, like some kind of ball and chain
You can be my Yoko Ono
You can follow me where I go (Ramona enters the apartment to reveal Sheldon is sitting in his spot and using his laptop. He isn't wearing pants, and is wearing paintball helmet)
You can be my Yoko Ono
You can follow me where I go (Ramons snatches the helmet from his head)
The hallway. Sheldon knocks at Penny's door.
SheldonPenny. Penny. Penny.
PennySheldon, honey, I've told you, it's a small apartment. You only have to knock one-
SheldonPlease, please, I don't have a lot of time. (Looks back nervously) Look, Ramona finally dozed off, and I need you to help me get rid of her.
PennyGet rid of her how?
SheldonI don't know, but, apparently, I'm in some kind of relationship and, well, you seem to be an expert at ending them.
SheldonI see man after man leaving this apartment never to return.
PennyOkay, first of all, it is not man after man.
Ramona(In the living room) Dr. Cooper?
SheldonI formally request sanctuary.
Ramona(Comes out of the living room) Why aren't you working?
SheldonUm... She distracted me. I told you, Penny, I don't have time for your nonsense. I have important things to do.
RamonaI know what's going on here.
PennyReally? Well, then will you explain it to me?
RamonaYou're in love with Dr. Cooper.
PennyUh, yeah, no, that's not it.
RamonaDon't try to deny it. He's a remarkable man, but you have to let him go.
PennyOh, gee. Okay.
RamonaI know it's hard, but he's a gift to the whole world, and we can't be selfish.
PennyYeah, he's a gift, all right.
PennySure, sisters. Heh. (They shake pinkies and then Ramona leaves) Holy crap on a cracker.
Leonard's bedroom. Tapping on wall.
LeonardSheldon? What are you doing?
SheldonIt's Morse code.
SheldonSo we can communicate through the wall.
LeonardWe are communicating through the wall. (via talking)
SheldonYes, but the communication is not encrypted.
LeonardI don't know Morse code.
SheldonOh, it's very simple. This is A. (. _) This is B. (_ . . .) This is C. (_ . _ .)
LeonardSheldon, I'm not going to learn Morse code at 3:00 in the morning.
LeonardDon't come in here. Don't come in here. Don't come in here. Don't- (Sheldon comes in) Ohhh.
LeonardWhat's going on?
SheldonShh. Ramona's sleeping on the couch.
LeonardI know. When is she going home?
SheldonNever. That's the problem. I need your help.
LeonardWhat are you talking about?
SheldonI'm invoking the Skynet clause of our friendship agreement.
LeonardThat only applies if you need me to help you destroy an artificial intelligence you created that's taking over the earth.
SheldonCome on, don't nitpick.
SheldonAll right. I'm invoking our Body Snatchers clause.
LeonardThe Body Snatchers clause requires me to help destroy someone we know who's been replaced with an alien pod.
SheldonYes. She's in the living room. Go. I'll wait here.
RamonaSheldon, what are you doing out of bed?
SheldonNow. Do it.
RamonaYou know you need your sleep in order for your cognitive processing to perform at optimum levels. Now, come on.
LeonardNot unless she destroys Tokyo.
The living room.
SheldonI've got it! I finally reconciled the black hole information paradox with my theory of string-network condensates.
RamonaIt's unbelievable. It's paradigm-altering.
SheldonAnd I could not have done it without you.
RamonaOh, please, I just offered a little encouragement.
SheldonOh, you did a lot more than that. You helped me work out the masses of the fermions and you pumiced my hammertoe. How can I ever repay you?
RamonaWell, would you consider naming it the Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem?
SheldonOh, you want me to share credit?
[The hallway. Ramona storms off]
PennyOh, hey. Hi.
RamonaOh, bite me.
PennySisters? (Stretches out her pinkie)
KathyExcuse me, Dr. Cooper. I'm Kathy O'Brian. I just finished reading your paper reconciling the black hole information paradox with your theory of string-network condensates, and it took my breath away.
SheldonMaybe when I publish it, I'll include an inhaler.
KathyWould you possibly have any time for me to pick your brain?
SheldonLet's see. Today's Thursday. Thursday nights I eat pizza from Giacomo's. Sausage, mushrooms, light olives.
KathyGreat. I'll bring it to your place. I have the address.
SheldonWhat a nice girl.
LeonardSheldon, do you see what just happened here?
SheldonYes. I'm getting a free pizza. I'm on a roll.
The living room.
SheldonMore Pad Thai, please.
HowardSheldon, you've already had four servings.
RajYou might wanna slow down a bit, buddy.
SheldonJust one more bite. (Takes one more bite and quivers)
LeonardSheldon? Sheldon, are you okay?
SheldonI'm just so fu- full. (Splits into two Sheldons)
Leonard(Wakes up) That's it. No more Thai food.