The living room. There's a The Klingon Dictionary on the coffee table. SheldonTime. All right, Klingons, pencils down.
LeonardOkay, I have pagh.
AllHave it.
Leonardpotlh.
AllHave it.
Leonardpuchpa'.
AllHave it.
HowardI have chor.
AllGot it.
HowardneHmaH.
AllYeah.
RajHold on a second, kreplach?
HowardYeah.
RajThat isn't Klingon. It's Yiddish for meat-filled dumpling.
HowardWell, as it turns out, it's also a Klingon word.
LeonardReally? Define it.
HowardKreplach, a hearty Klingon dumpling.
RajJudge's ruling?
Sheldonbllughbe'. (Gives a thumbs down)
PennyHey, guys. I need to use your TV.
SheldonWhat's wrong with your TV?
PennyI don't know. It just died. I'm getting a bunch of static.
HowardDid you pay your cable bill?
PennyUgh. You sound just like the cable company. All right, so shh. Tyra Banks is about to kick someone off America 's Next Top Model.
SheldonExcuse me, Penny, but we're-
LeonardDon't tell her.
Sheldonplaying Klingon Boggle. (Leonard groans)
HowardWhat do you mean, "Ohh"? Like she didn't know we were nerds?
SheldonAll right, if you must watch, then mute it with closed captions, please.
PennyFine.
SheldonAll right, Boggle warriors. Qapla'.
(The guys but Sheldown stare at the TV)
HowardLook at those women.
LeonardThey're gorgeous.
SheldonOh, Worf. Nice. Too bad that's a proper noun.
HowardOh, look, there's the future Mrs. Wolowitz. No wait, that's the future Mrs. Wolowitz. With her head in the lap of- What a coincidence. It's the future Mrs. Wolowitz.
LeonardYeah, and they can all move in with you and your mother. The current Mrs. Wolowitz.
SheldonIs Qochbe' spelled with a "qo" or a "ko?"
HowardWhy is that Mrs. Wolowitz crying?
PennyOh, that's Anais. None of the other girls in the house like her.
HowardHouse? What house?
PennyThey all live in a house together.
HowardA house? Where?
PennyI don't know. Somewhere in L. A.
HowardWait a minute. You're telling me that I'm within driving distance of a house filled with aspiring supermodels?
PennyYeah, I guess.
HowardAnd they live together and shower together and... have naked pillow fights? (Penny is disgusted and gets up)
LeonardHey, where-where are you going?
Penny(Dejectedly) To pay my cable bill.
SheldonAll right, pencils down. I have loH, maH, and chergh. Anybody got those? (They ignore him) Continued from earlier. Leonard(Enters) Did I miss anything? Did they kick Giselle off?
RajNot yet, but her underwater photo shoot was an embarrassment.
HowardSadly, Mrs. Giselle Wolowitz is sensitive to chlorine. Lucky for her I like my fashion models pruny and bug-eyed.
LeonardSheldon, food's here.
RajThere's the house. Freeze frame, freeze frame. (Quickly grabs a sheet of paper, covers the TV with it, sketches something)
LeonardWhat are you doing?
RajMarking the star positions and physical landmarks so we can find the house of the supermodels.
LeonardWhy?
HowardIsn't it obvious? Every week they kick out a beautiful girl making her feel unwanted and without self-esteem. Aka the future Mrs. Howard Wolowitz.
Sheldonls my hamburger medium-well?
LeonardYes.
SheldonDill slices, not sweet?
LeonardYes.
Sheldonlndividual relish packets? Onion rings?
LeonardYes.
SheldonExtra breading?
LeonardI asked.
SheldonWhat did they say?
LeonardNo.
SheldonDid you protest?
LeonardYes.
SheldonVociferously?
LeonardNo.
SheldonWell, then, what took you so long?
LeonardJust eat.
PennyHey, guys. What'd I miss, what'd I miss?
HowardGiselle's hanging by a thread.
PennyOh, good, I hate her.
HowardThen you're not invited to our wedding.
Leonard(Gives her a box) Here you go.
PennyThank you.
SheldonOh, do we have to suffer through this transparently manipulative, pseudo-reality again?
AllYes.
Sheldon(To Leonard) You and I have a standing TV schedule, which is the result of extensive debate and compromise. Any alterations except for breaking news have to be pre-approved at the weekly roommate meeting.
LeonardPut it on the agenda.
SheldonYou have to make a motion to put it on the agenda.
LeonardI'll make a motion but you're not gonna like it.
SheldonFine. Mock parliamentary procedure. At least put it on mute.
PennyOh, Giselle's not getting kicked off. It's totally gonna be Summer. (Raj squeals)
PennyWhat?
LeonardSheldon's onion ring. Just put it back.
PennyIt's one onion ring.
HowardJust put it back before he comes. (Penny throws it back)
LeonardNo no, I don't think that's where it was.
HowardOkay, here he comes. Deny, deny, deny, people. Wall of silence.
SheldonWho touched my-?
AllPenny. Penny did it.
SheldonWhy would you do that?
PennyI don't know. I was hungry? What's the big deal?
SheldonThe big deal is that nobody touches food on my plate.
PennyAll right. I didn't know. I'm sorry.
SheldonWell, I'm sorry, but that is your second strike.
PennyWhat?
SheldonYou have two strikes. Three strikes and you're out. It's a sports metaphor.
PennyA sports metaphor?
SheldonYes, baseball.
PennyAll right, yeah, I'll-I'll play along. What was my first strike?
SheldonMarch 18th. You violated my rule about forwarding e-mail humor.
PennyI did?
SheldonThe photo of the cat who wants to "Has Cheezburger?"
PennyOh, come on, everybody loves lolcats. They're cute and they can't spell... because they're cats.
SheldonI trusted you with my e-mail address and you betrayed that trust by sending me Internet banality. Strike one. Touching my food, strike two.
LeonardDon't worry, they only stay on your record for a year.
HowardYou can get them removed early but you have to take his class.
PennyOh, come on, I touched one onion ring.
SheldonAnd then you put it back. Compromising the integrity of all the other onion rings.
PennyOh, honey, the buses don't go where you live, do they?
SheldonLook, I wish I could be more lenient with you. But since you've become a permanent member of our social group, I have to hold you to the same standards as everybody else.
LeonardCongratulations, you're officially one of us.
Howard(Chants) One of us, one of us.
PennyWell, what a thrill.
SheldonYou're sitting in my spot.
PennyOh, gee, you've gotta be kidding me.
SheldonLeonard, she's in my spot.
LeonardYeah, yeah. (To Penny) Uh, see, here's the thing, after you leave, I still have to live with him.
PennyI don't care. I'm taking a stand. Metaphorically.
SheldonAll right, that's it. Strike three.
PennyOh, strike three. (Goes out of the apartment with Leonard in tow) I'm banished? What the hell kind of crap is that?
LeonardListen, don't worry, I'll talk to him.
PennyYeah, you do that. Just so I know, would you be open to taking his class? (Penny closes her door) You can do it online. Cheesecake Factory. HowardSo based on our triangulation, we've narrowed the location of the Top Model house to three square miles in the Hollywood Hills.
RajOr possibly Durham, North Carolina.
HowardWhen we find it, you wanna go with us?
LeonardTo do what?
RajParty with the pretty girls, dude.
LeonardAre you insane? You're not gonna party with them. You're not even gonna get near that place.
HowardThat's what they said to Neil Armstrong about the moon.
SheldonNo one said anything of the kind to Neil Armstrong. The entire nation dedicated a decade of effort and treasure to put a man on the moon.
HowardWell, My fellow Americans, before this year is out, we will put a Wolowitz on one of America's Top Models.
RajAnd a large number of people will believe it never happened.
PennyOkay, let me guess. Quesadilla with soy cheese for lactose-intolerant Leonard.
LeonardThank you.
PennyShrimp Caesar salad with no almonds for the highly allergic kosher-only-on-the-High-Holidays Howard. And for our suddenly-back-on-the-Hindu-wagon Raj, meat lover's pizza, no meat. (Raj makes a namaste gesture) Coming right up.
SheldonWait. Excuse me. You forgot my barbecue bacon cheeseburger, barbecue sauce, bacon and cheese on the side.
PennyOh, I didn't tell you? You're banished from the Cheesecake Factory.
SheldonWhy?
PennyWell, you have three strikes. One, coming in. Two, sitting down. And three, I don't like your attitude.
SheldonYou can't do that. Not only is it a violation of California State Law, it flies directly in the face of Cheesecake Factory policy.
PennyYeah, no, there's a new policy: No shoes, no shirt, no Sheldon.
HowardI bet we could sell that sign all over Pasadena.
LeonardPenny, can I talk to you for a minute?
PennyUh-huh. (They go away)
LeonardHi.
PennyHi.
LeonardLook, here's the thing. Um, I talked to Sheldon and he feels terrible. And he agrees that he was unreasonable and out of line.
PennyReally? Well, that's great.
LeonardYeah. Oh, just apologize to him, okay?
PennyWhat? I'm not gonna apologize to that nutcase.
LeonardOh come on, it's easy. He'll even tell you what to say.
PennyLeonard, don't you get it? If you guys keep going along with his insanity, you're just encouraging him.
LeonardWe're not encouraging. It's more like knuckling under.
PennyLook, I like hanging out with you guys but I'm not gonna apologize for something I didn't do.
LeonardWell, actually, technically, you did do it.
PennyThat's strike one, Leonard.
[Continued from earlier.]
PennyHere you go. Quesadilla. Salad. Here's your pizza. And thanks to Sheldon's heated discussion with my manager, barbecue bacon cheeseburger, barbecue sauce, bacon and cheese on the side.
SheldonThank you.
PennyGo ahead. Eat it. I dare you. The living room. HowardThat's it. There's the house. I found the America's top models!
RajAre you sure?
HowardLook. On the roof. Anais and Giselle are sunbathing. European style.
LeonardYou can recognize people on Google Earth?
HowardOf course not. I got a buddy of mine at NORAD to have a spy drone fly over.
LeonardNORAD? You're using military aircraft?
HowardIt was already targeted to poke around a nuclear reactor in Siberia. I took it an hour out of its way, tops.
Penny(Enters) Okay, where is he?
LeonardSheldon? I just dropped him off at the comic book store. Why?
PennyHere. Try and go online.
LeonardProblem with the Wi-Fi?
PennyNo, just try.
Sheldon(On screen) Greetings, hamburger-toucher. You are probably wondering why you cannot IM with your little friends about how much you heart varies things. Well, this recorded message is alerting you that I am putting an end to your parasitic piggybacking upon our Wi-Fi. If you want to remedy the situation, you can contact the phone company, set up your own Wi-Fi and pay for it, or, you may apologize to me.
PennyWell?
LeonardI reiterate. Knuckle under.
PennyOh, no no no no. It is on. I'm gonna introduce your friend to a world of hurt.
LeonardOh, Penny, you don't wanna get into it with Sheldon. The guy's one lab accident away from being a super villain.
PennyI don't care. I was in junior rodeo. I can hogtie and castrate him in 60 seconds.
HowardNo need to neuter the nerd. I can get you back online.
LeonardThere, see? Problem solved.
HowardVoilà.
SheldonHello, puny insects. As a consequence of your efforts to circumvent my will, everyone is awarded one additional strike.
LeonardThanks a lot, Howard.
HowardWhat are you complaining about? I'm the one who has to take the class again. The hallway and the staircase. SheldonOh! Hello.
PennyTime to do your laundry, huh?
SheldonSaturday night. Saturday is laundry night.
PennyI know. Every Saturday at 8:15. Easy to anticipate.
SheldonWhat are you implying?
PennyI'm implying that you're a creature of habit. And if something were to prevent you from doing your laundry on Saturday at 8:15, you might find it...unpleasant. (Sheldon runs off to the laundry room) Knuckle under my ass. (The laundry room) Oh, no. Are all the machines taken? What are you gonna do?
SheldonNo problem. I'll just do my laundry another night.
PennyAnother night? Well, I guess you can try, but deep inside your heart you'll know that laundry night is always Saturday night.
SheldonWoman, you are playing with forces beyond your ken.
PennyYeah, well, your Ken can kiss my Barbie. Penny knocks at the door. PennySheldon? Sheldon? Sheldon?
SheldonYes?
PennyWhere are my clothes?
SheldonYour clothes?
PennyYes. I left them in the washers. When I went to get them, they were gone.
SheldonReally? Despite the sign that says: "Do not leave laundry unattended"?
PennySheldon, where are my clothes?
SheldonYou know, I do recall seeing some female undergarments. Where was that? Oh, yes. Earlier this evening I happened to gaze out the window and a brassiere caught my eye. Do those look familiar?
PennyHow the hell did you get them up on that telephone wire?
SheldonWhen you understand the laws of physics, Penny, anything is possible. And may I add: Mua-ha-ha.
PennyGet them down.
SheldonApologize.
PennyNever.
SheldonThen may I suggest you get a very long stick and play panty pinata.
PennyLook, wait, Sheldon. This's gotten way out of hand. Okay. I've done some stupid things, you've done some stupid things. How about we just call it even, and move on with our lives?
SheldonI've done no stupid things.
PennyAlright look, you've gotta meet me halfway here.
SheldonI am meeting you halfway. I'm willing to concede that you've done some stupid things.
LeonardHey, you guys are talking again. Good. (They glare at him) What happened?
PennyLeonard, remember when I said it was on? Well, now it's junior rodeo on. (Leaves)
LeonardOh, not junior rodeo. (To Sheldon) What did you do?
SheldonI had no choice, Leonard. She ruined laundry night.
Leonard(Looks out of the window) Ooh!
SheldonMua-ha-ha. Penny's apartment. Leonard enters to find she's making a long stick. PennyTelephone wires can't electrocute you, can they?
LeonardNo. Look, this has to stop.
PennyOh, no, no, no. It is just beginning.
LeonardAll right. I really didn't wanna do this, but... here. (Hands her something)
PennyWhat's this?
LeonardSheldon's kryptonite.
Penny(Reads the piece of paper) Oh, my God.
LeonardHe can never know that I gave that to you.
PennyLook, I said I wanted to hurt him, but- But this?
LeonardIt will shorten the war by five years and save millions of lives. The living room. RajPause it. That's it. Confirmed. We now have the address of the Top Model house.
HowardGod bless you, Google Street View registered trademark.
LeonardHey, for the record, what you guys are doing is really creepy.
HowardYou know what, if it's "creepy" to use the Internet, military satellites and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so that I can drop in on them unexpectedly, then fine, I'm "creepy." (Telephone rings)
LeonardHello? Oh, hi. Yeah, hold on a second, I'll get him. Sheldon, it's for you.
SheldonWho is it?
LeonardYour mother.
SheldonOh, good. (On phone) Hi, Mom. How are you? But, Mom, she keeps sitting in my spot. And-and she touched my food. Okay, yes, I took her clothes, but she started it. No, that's not fair. Why should I have to apologize? I really don't think this is the kind of thing Jesus concerns himself with. No, you're right. I don't really know what Jesus thinks about. All right! Goodbye. (To Leonard) Did you tell on me?
LeonardAre you kidding me? I already have two strikes. (Smiles) Penny's apartment. Sheldon knocks on the door. SheldonPenny. Penny. Penny. (She opens the door) I am very, very sorry for what I have done. Here's your laundry. I rescind your strikes and you are no longer banished.
PennyCan I sit wherever I want? (Sheldon's face twitches, it looks like he's about to erupt) No, no, no. Never mind. Never mind. That's, that's not important. Sheldon, this was big of you. Thank you. I really appreciate it.
SheldonThank you.
PennyGood night, Sheldon.
SheldonPenny?
PennyYes?
SheldonWell played.
PennyThank you.
SheldonJust remember, with great power, comes great responsibility.
PennyUnderstood. (They both wheel around) THE HOUSE. Doorbell rings. ModelCan I help you?
HowardYes, we're here to fix the cable.
ModelI think we have satellite.
HowardThat's what I meant.
ModelOh. Okay. Come on in.
(A tall model walks past Howard and Raj)
HowardShe's taller than all the women in my family combined.
RajWhat do we do now? (Another model walks past)
HowardFollow Mrs. Wolowitz.