The living room.
SheldonOh, look. Saturn 3 is on.
RajI don't wanna watch Saturn 3. Deep Space Nine is better.
SheldonHow is Deep Space Nine better than Saturn 3?
RajSimple subtraction will tell you it's six better.
LeonardCompromise. Watch Babylon 5. (Chuckles)
SheldonIn what sense is that a compromise?
LeonardWell, five is partway between three- Never mind.
RajI'll tell you what. How about we go Rock-paper-scissors?
SheldonOoh, I don't think so. Anecdotal evidence suggests that in a game of Rock-paper-scissors, players familiar with each other will tie 75 to 80 percent of the time due to the limited number of outcomes. I suggest Rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock.
SheldonIt's very simple. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
RajOkay, I think I got it.
Raj and SheldonRock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock. (Both reveal paper) Oh....
Howard(Dressed grotesquely) Hello, boys.
HowardNoticed the eye patch, did you? It's all part of a technique I've been studying for picking up women. You employ a visual display designed to make yourself distinctive and memorable.
SheldonOh, yes, like the male peacock with brilliant plumage or the rutting baboon with engorged hindquarters.
LeonardOr in this case, the bar mitzvah boy with a pink eye.
HowardMock me if you will, but it works. You show up at a club in or something distinctive, scope out your target and toss out some negs.
RajWhat are negs?
HowardA neg is a negative compliment that throws a pretty woman off her game, like: "Normally, I'm not turned on by big teeth, but on you they work." I got a whole list of them. Who wants to be my wingman?
LeonardYou're not gonna need a wingman. You're gonna need a paramedic.
PennyHoward, your scooter's blocking my car. Oh, did you get pink eye again?
HowardStep one: she notices the eye patch. May I say, Penny, not a lot of women could look as hot as you do with such greasy hair.
Penny(Stretches his eye patch and then let it go) Yeah, just move your stupid scooter before I pick it up and throw it in the Dumpster. (Slams her door)
Continued from earlier.
SheldonYeah, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to watch the Clone Wars TV series until I've seen the Clone Wars movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended.
LeonardWell, I wanna watch it now.
SheldonThen I believe we've arrived at another quintessential Rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock moment. (Reachs out his hand)
LeonardWatch whatever you want. (Hands him the remote)
RajI saw what you did there.
SheldonWhat'd I do?
LeonardHello? Hey, Howard. What's wrong? Uh, okay. Okay, we'll be right there.
LeonardHoward's at the Mars rover lab. He says he's in trouble. DEFCON 5.
SheldonDEFCON 5? Well, there's no need to rush.
SheldonDEFCON 5 means no danger. DEFCON 1 is a crisis.
LeonardHow can five not be worse than one?
RajWell, Star Trek V, worse than I.
SheldonAlright, first of all, that's a comparison of quality, not intensity. Secondly, Star Trek I is orders of magnitude worse than Star Trek V.
RajAre you joking? Star Trek V is the standard against which all badness is measured.
SheldonNo, no, no. Star Trek V has specific failures in writing and direction while Star Trek I fails across the board. Art direction, costuming, music, sound editing.
LeonardYou know what? Can we just forget I said " DEFCON" and go?
RajStar Trek V.
Hallway outside the lab.
SheldonAlright, will you at least stipulate that Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home is inarguably the best?
RajI have three words for you: Wrath of Khan.
HowardOh thank God you're here.
LeonardWhat's the emergency?
HowardI got the Mars rover stuck in a ditch.
HowardOn a dusty highway just outside Bakersfield. Where do you think? On Mars.
(The door opens and a girl appears)
GirlHoward, is everything okay?
HowardYeah, baby, I'll be right in.
SheldonYou brought a girl to the Mars rover control room?
HowardYeah, I picked her up in the bar. She's a doctor. One free barium enema and my mother won't care she's not Jewish.
LeonardWait-wait a minute, so the eye patch and the insults worked?
HowardNo, there were three other guys with eye patches. It was a fiasco. What did work was: "How'd you like to visit a secret government facility?"
SheldonSo, what exactly do you want us to do?
HowardI need you and Raj to help me get the rover out of the ditch, (To Leonard) and need you to get Stephanie out before somebody notices she is here. She doesn't exactly have clearance.
SheldonReally? They don't let strange women from honky-tonks come in to play with $200 million government projects on distant planets?
HowardYes, I was bad. Maybe she'll spank me. Can we please move on?
StephanieHey, Howard, you know, it's getting late, so, do I get to drive this thing or what?
HowardYeah, no, I'm sorry, but something's come up. Kind of a Mars rover- Mars-rover-can-Howard-come-over... situation. So, my friend Leonard is gonna take you home.
StephanieOh, okay. Let's go, friend Leonard.
HowardI'll call you.
StephanieYeah. So, are you a scientist like Howard?
LeonardNo one's a scientist like Howard.
HowardMy mother is so gonna love her.
SheldonHow nice. Maybe they can carpool when they visit you in federal prison.
Leonard's car. Stephanie's kissing him passionately.
StephanieI'm sorry, I totally interrupted you. What-what-what were you saying?
LeonardJust said Howard's a terrific guy.
StephanieYeah. (Resumes the kiss)
LeonardHe's got a great sense of humor. He loves his mother... a lot. Some people say too much.
StephanieI really like that you're such a loyal friend.
LeonardYeah, I am loyal. You know, if you look at the big picture. Just, uh, out of curiosity, did he ever have a shot with you?
StephanieAre you insane? The guy was wearing an eye patch.
LeonardSo then why did you-
StephanieHe said that I could drive a car on Mars.
LeonardSo, can I see you again?
StephanieYou're not done seeing me now.
The control room.
RajActually, I was just checking my e-mail. But, uh, no, the rover is not responding.
SheldonI believe the appropriate metaphor here involves a river of excrement and a Native American water vessel without any means of propulsion.
HowardHang on, there's gotta be other options.
HowardYou try calling AAA. But based on NASA's latest timetable, they won't get there for 35 years.
SheldonPlus, I understand you have to be standing next to the vehicle with your card when they arrive.
RajOh, snap. (Chuckles)
HowardOkay, I guess we have to turn to plan B.
RajWhat's plan B?
HowardErase all the hard drives, grab the surveillance tapes, wipe our fingerprints off every surface and run.
SheldonWhy wasn't that plan A?
The living room.
Announcer on TVA NASA spokesman states that due to the loss of data, they will most likely be unable to determine the cause of the Mars rover's malfunction. This is not... mission to Mars since any...
HowardThank God for plan B.
PennyHoward, didn' t you say you worked on the Mars rover?
HowardNo, you're mistaken.
PennyYeah, when we first met. You said that if I went out with you I could drive a car on Mars.
HowardI don't know what you're talking about.
LeonardPsst? (Motions Sheldon to come with him)
SheldonWill you all excuse me? Leonard is suddenly signaling that he'd like to talk to me in private.
PennyNo. Yeah, I remember specifically. You started by asking if I was from Mars because my ass was out of this world.
HowardOh, that does sound like me, but no.
SheldonIs there some problem?
LeonardYeah, um, listen, I have to kind of sneak out for a while.
SheldonAll right. Goodbye.
LeonardNo, wait. If anyone asks you where I went, you don't know.
SheldonWhere are you going?
LeonardI can't tell you that.
SheldonWell, who would ask me?
LeonardI can't tell you that either.
SheldonSo you brought me here to inform me that you can't tell me where you're going. And you can't tell me who might ask?
LeonardYeah, I really didn't think this through.
SheldonLeonard, a moment.
SheldonIf someone, and of course we don't know who this would be, does ask where you've gone, what should I say?
LeonardI don't know. Just tell them I went to the office.
SheldonAre you going to the office?
SheldonWell, how can I say it convincingly?
LeonardJust say, "Leonard went to the office."
SheldonAll right. Leonard went to the-the office.
LeonardWhat is-? No, not like that. Just "Leonard went to the office."
SheldonIt would have worked a lot better if you just told me you were going to the office.
LeonardI'm going to the office.
SheldonSee, why don't I believe you?
[Back to the living room]
LeonardI'm going out for a while.
SheldonDoesn't anyone wanna know where he's going?
PennyOkay, where is he going?
SheldonLeonard is going to, the office.
LeonardSo how was work today?
StephanieBusy. I removed an appendix, a gallbladder and about a foot and a half of bowel.
LeonardI'm hoping that was three different guys. (Chuckles)
Stephanie(not amused) No, just the one. He didn't make it. So, how was your day?
LeonardYou know, I'm a physicist, so I thought about stuff.
LeonardI wrote some of them down.
StephanieAre you done eating?
StephanieOh, good. (Kisses him)
LeonardIf I knew you were waiting, I would have swallowed that lasagna whole.
Stephanie(On answering machine) You've reached Dr. Stephanie Barnett. Leave a message.
HowardHey, Steph, it's me again, Howard. Listen, if you're free Friday, maybe we could have a little something to eat at my place. My mom cooks a hell of a brisket. Let me know. It's Howard.
LeonardI've had her brisket. Melts in your mouth.
[Continued from earlier]
StephanieMaybe, we should think about going to the bedroom.
LeonardThat's a good idea, 'cause there's a bed there, and I'm very, very, very pro-bed.
StephanieYou've reached Dr. Stephanie Barnett. Leave a message.
HowardHey, it's me again. Just wanna let you know the head count for dinner Friday has gone up. My Aunt Betty and Uncle Elliot are coming in from Palm Springs. Oh, and if anybody should ask, you're half Jewish on your mother's side. Okay, call me. It's Howard.
LeonardDon't you think, you should tell him you're not interested?
Stephanie(Muffled) You want me to stop and call him back right now?
LeonardDear God, no.
StephanieYou've reached Dr. Stephanie Barnett. Leave a message.
HowardHey, it's me again. Howard. Listen, my cousins from Fort Lauderdale are flying in to meet you so that means we 're gonna have to move the dinner to a restaurant.
Mrs. Wolowitz(Shouting over phone) Tell her we're going to the Olive Garden. I have a coupon from the paper.
HowardWe're not going to the Olive Garden, Ma.
Mrs. WolowitzOh, Mr. Big Shot with his red lobster.
HowardI'll call you back when we firm up the details. It's Howard.
The landuary room.
LeonardYeah, a couple.
PennySo, who's the girl?
PennyWell, last time you bought a new shirt was when we were dating.
LeonardSo, what we did was in fact dating?
PennyWell, yeah, we did have a date.
LeonardExactly. Thank you. Do me a favor, tell Koothrappali that next time you see him.
PennySo, who is she?
LeonardOh, she's a doctor.
PennyOh, nice. A "doctor" doctor, or a your kind a doctor?
Leonard"Doctor" doctor. Surgical resident. Smart, pretty. Let me ask you something. If your friend thinks he's dating someone but he's not, because in fact, you're dating her, does that make you a bad person?
PennyWell, that depends.
PennyIs that friend Wolowitz?
PennyScrew him, you're fine.
LeonardAre you sure?
PennyWell, have you slept with her yet? (Leonard smirks) You dog. (Pushes him on the chest playfully) Good for you.
LeonardDoes that change things?
LeonardSo, why'd you ask?
PennyI'm nosy. See you.
Howard's house. Leonard knocks at the door.
Mrs. WolowitzHoward, get the door!
HowardReally? Is that what you do when someone knocks? Thank you, I had no idea! (In normal tone) Hey, buddy. What brings you to my little slice of hell?
Mrs. WolowitzWho is it?
Mrs. WolowitzYou're gonna have to play outside! I'm not dressed to receive!
HowardNo one cares, Ma! (In normal tone) So, what's up?
LeonardListen, I need to talk to you about something.
(Cell phone rings)
HowardMomentito. Yello? Oh, Stephanie, thanks for calling me back. I was worried. Oh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No, I understand. Sure, we can be friends. Absolutely. Thanks for calling. Yeah, you have a nice day too. (To Leonard) You are dead to me.
The living room. Leonard isn't there.
RajOkay, who gets the extra dumpling?
AlllRock Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock. (Tie)
SheldonOkay, one of us is going to have to stop putting up Spock.
HowardHow do we decide that?
AlllRock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock. (All grunt)
Leonard(Enters) Hey, guys.
LeonardHi, Howard. Howard?
SheldonHoward is employing a schoolyard paradigm in which you are for all intents and purposes deceased. He intends to act on this by not speaking to you, feigning an inability to hear you when you speak, and otherwise refusing to acknowledge your existence.
LeonardThat's just ridiculous. Why are you cooperating with him?
SheldonI don't make the rules, Leonard.
LeonardHoward, come on. I didn't plan on this. These things just happen. Usually not to me, but they do happen.
HowardDid someone just feel a cold breeze?
SheldonI believe this is an extension of the death metaphor. The cold breeze is a so-called ectoplasmic issue of a disembodied soul passing by.
RajYou know, screw it. I'm just gonna eat the dumpling.
(knocking on door)
LeonardOh, hi, Steph.
LeonardCome on in.
StephanieOh, is this a bad time?
LeonardYeah, but I don't see a better one on the horizon, so...
HowardOh, if it isn't Mrs. Dead-To-Me.
SheldonI'm sorry, you violated the terms of your metaphor by acknowledging her existence. I'm out.
LeonardHe just won't listen to me.
StephanieOkay, well, I guess it'll just be the three of us then.
LeonardHmm. Lisa's gonna be disappointed.
StephanieYeah, my roommate. She just went through a really bad breakup. And I thought she might like to meet somebody fun like you.
HowardLeonard, Stephanie, you're alive. It's a miracle. (Hugs them)
HowardSo anyway, Lisa, I just wanted to tell you again how much I enjoyed the other night, and again, I'm sorry for how it ended. But again, if you could let me know about Friday, my mother needs a head count so she can know how big a brisket to get.
LeonardHoward, Howard. Look at this.
(Man speaking indistinctly on TV)
HowardAnyway, call me. It's Howard.
Announcer on TVIt's unclear how the Mars rover got into the crevice, but one thing's certain: The data which it has sent back contain the first clear indications that there may have been life on Mars. It's a scientific discovery that has staggering implications for all mankind. Unfortunately, we 'll never know who 's responsible.
HowardSon of a bitch.