1st floor of the apartment building and the staircase. SheldonPenny, hello.
PennyHey, Sheldon.
SheldonWhat is shaking?
PennyI'm sorry?
SheldonIt's colloquial. A conversation opener. So, do you find the weather satisfying? Are you currently sharing in the triumph of some local sports team?
PennyWhat's wrong with you? You're freaking me out.
SheldonI'm striking up a casual conversation with you. 'Sup?
PennyPlease don't do that.
SheldonAlright. But I'm given to understand that when you have something awkward to discuss with someone, it's more palatable to preface it with banal chitchat.
PennySo this wasn't the awkward part?
SheldonNo.
PennyOh. All right. 'Sup?
SheldonOh, good, I used that right. Anyway, you're aware that Leonard has entered into a new romantic relationship which includes a sexual component?
PennyOkay, feeling the awkward now.
SheldonWait. Her name is Dr. Stephanie Barnett. And she's a highly distinguished surgical resident at Fremont Memorial.
PennyYeah, Leonard told me.
SheldonGood. What he may have left out is how important this relationship is to me.
PennyTo you?
SheldonYes. See, of the handful of women Leonard's been involved with, she's the only one I have ever found tolerable. (Penny is rendered speechless)
PennyWell, what about me?
SheldonThe statement stands for itself.
PennyWell, aren't you sweet?
SheldonAnyway, should you have any interaction with her, it would be most helpful that she not see you as a sexual rival.
PennyYeah, I think she's pretty safe.
SheldonYou say that now, but consider the following scenario. You're sitting in your apartment. It's late. You're alone. Your hypothalamus is swimming in a soup of estrogen and progesterone and, suddenly, even Leonard seems like a viable sexual candidate. Or a-a hookup, as it's referred to by today's urban youth.
PennyReally?
SheldonYes. Now, should that happen, I would ask you to find some way to suppress your libido.
PennyI could think about you.
SheldonFine. Whatever works.
PennyAlways nice talking to you, Sheldon.
SheldonPeace out. The living room. Stephanie, Sheldon, and Leonard are having dinner. SheldonMm. (Leonard forced a smile and so did Stephanie) This is very pleasant.
LeonardI'm glad you're enjoying yourself.
SheldonAnd you said there would never be enough pasta for the three of us.
LeonardI stand corrected.
SheldonYou know, ltalian housewives have a rule of thumb: A handful of dry pasta about an inch in diameter is sufficient for each person, as it doubles in volume when cooked.
StephanieThat's very interesting.
SheldonThank you.
LeonardShe doesn't mean it. She's just being nice. (Gets up and leaves)
SheldonWell, Stephanie, since Leonard seems to be dropping the conversational ball, I guess I'll just have to pick it up. Ahem. Have you ever witnessed a violent crime?
StephanieNo.
SheldonGood. What's your favorite fruit?
StephanieIt, uh- Strawberries.
SheldonMm, technically not a fruit, but all right. Where did you do your medical internship?
StephanieUh, Lawrence Memorial in Galveston, Texas.
SheldonReally? That's where I was born. (Leonard blows off the candles)
StephanieGod, you're kidding.
SheldonNo. I spent so much of my childhood at that hospital. It- When I was 12, I got to ride there in a helicopter.
StephanieWhat? What happened?
SheldonRadiation burns. A little mishap while I was building my own CAT scanner.
StephanieI'm sorry, you tried to build your own CAT scanner?
SheldonNo, I didn't try, I succeeded. In fact, I was briefly able to see the inside of my sister's guinea pig, Snowball, before he caught fire. It led to an interesting expression in our house: Not a Snowball's chance in a CAT scanner.
LeonardUh, Sheldon. (Motions him to go to the kitchen counter)
SheldonExcuse me. When I come back, just for fun, the subject will be alternative history. Specifically, how would the Civil War have gone differently if Lincoln had been a robot sent from the future? (At the counter) Look at that, there's even pasta leftover.
LeonardDo you understand that this was supposed to be a date?
SheldonI do. Do you? Because, frankly, you've been in a foul mood since I sat down.
LeonardOkay, here's my question: Why did you sit down?
SheldonTo help. Look, if you fail at this relationship, and history suggests you will, then we risk losing the medical officer that our landing party has always needed.
LeonardWhat landing party?
SheldonYou're Kirk. I'm Spock. Wolowitz is Scotty. Koothrappali is the guy who always gets killed. And now we've got McCoy. A movie theater. StephanieSo, we're all standing around looking at the post-op X-ray and there it is, clear as day, right in the guy's chest cavity: One of my earrings.
LeonardOh my God, what did you do?
StephanieWhat do you think I did? I discreetly slipped off the other earring, put it in my pocket, and then got the hell out of there.
SheldonI have a bone to pick with you, sir.
LeonardOh!
StephanieHi, Sheldon.
SheldonHi, Stephanie. I'm sorry I'm late, but your companion left the most indecipherable invitation.
LeonardWhat invitation?
Sheldon"We're going to the movies." What movie? What theater? What time? If you were trying to make it impossible to locate you, you couldn't have done a better job.
LeonardOh, clearly, I could have.
SheldonIt took me nearly 20 minutes to go through the browser history on your computer to see what movie times you looked up. Wait here, I'll find us seats.
StephanieOh no. We have seats.
LeonardNot the right seats.
SheldonHa! Ha! Ha!
StephanieWhat is he doing?
LeonardHe's finding the acoustic sweet spot.
SheldonHa!
StephanieDoes he always do this?
LeonardSometimes he brings a toy xylophone.
SheldonHo! Ho!
LeonardI am really sorry about this.
StephanieNo, it's fine, you know. He's sweet.
Sheldon(After humming a tone) My apologies. You've been sitting in it all along. Leonard, you wanna slide over one?
LeonardNo. Just sit here.
(THX's "Deep Note" playing. Sheldon stays really, really close to leonard.)
SheldonOh, yeah. This is it. Outside Leonard's bedroom. SheldonLeonard. Leonard. Leonard.
LeonardWhat, Sheldon? What, Sheldon? What, Sheldon?
SheldonTell me what you see here.
LeonardThe blunt instrument that will be the focus of my murder trial?
SheldonThis is Stephanie's Facebook page. Now, where it should say "in a relationship, " what does it say?
Leonard"Stephanie Barnett is single."
SheldonYeah, furthermore, earlier this evening, she threw a digital sheep at some guy named Mike. Who's Mike? Why does he get a digital sheep and not you?
LeonardIt's just her Facebook page, and we've only been going out a couple of weeks.
SheldonYou don't see it, do you? We're losing her.
LeonardOkay, I'm gonna make this very simple for you. You, are not in this relationship. I, am. Ergo, you have noooo (shakes his hands) say in anything that happens between me and Stephanie.
SheldonI'm afraid I can't allow that. Pursuant to Starfleet General Order 104, Section A, you are deemed unfit, and I hereby relieve you of your command.
LeonardGeneral Order 104, Section A does not apply in this situation.
SheldonGive me one good reason why not.
LeonardBecause this is not Star Trek! (Slams the door)
[Penny's door]
SheldonPenny? Penny? Penny?
PennyWhat?
SheldonThis is banana bread.
PennyThis is a door knob.
SheldonIt's my understanding that an unsolicited gift of food can be a precursor to an impromptu invitation to come in and chat.
PennySheldon, would you like to come in?
SheldonI suppose I could spare a few minutes. (Hands her the bread; comes in, notices the mess; gasps) Were you robbed?
PennyNo.
SheldonHow can you be sure?
PennySheldon, what do you want?
SheldonI'm certain this will come as no surprise to you, but, Leonard is failing in yet another relationship.
PennyHe's having problems with Stephanie?
SheldonShe's sending virtual livestock to random men on the Internet. If I have any hope of keeping them together, I need data specifically, I need to know exactly what Leonard did that caused you to pop an emotional cap in his buttocks.
PennyWhat?
SheldonAgain, urban slang. In which I believe I'm gaining remarkable fluency. So, what is the down and the low? And don't worry, this is all entirely confidential, so you feel free to include any and all shortcomings in the bedroom.
PennyWe never got to the bedroom.
SheldonBecause?
PennyOkay. All right. You know what? I'll tell you what happened. Ah. We were young. We were very much in love, but we could only communicate through a time-traveling mailbox at my lake house.
SheldonIt's not enough that you made me watch that movie, but now you mock me with it? The cafeteria. SheldonGentlemen, I have a question about dating and relationships. (Raj and Howard look at each other)
RajYou told me you were gonna have the talk with him.
HowardI've been waiting for someone to have the talk with me.
SheldonMore to the point, it's about finding a way to keep Leonard and Stephanie together.
HowardOh, I don't think you can.
SheldonWhy not?
HowardLook at Leonard's record. Twenty-seven days with Joyce Kim. During which she defected to North Korea. Two booty calls with Leslie Winkle. For which she awarded him the nickname Speed-of-Light Leonard.
HowardAnd a three-hour dinner with Penny.
RajWhich would've been two and a half if they ordered the soufflé when they sat down.
HowardBased on the geometric progression, his relationship with Stephanie should've ended after 20 minutes.
SheldonYes, I'm aware of the math. Y equals 27 days over 12 to the nth. The issue remains. How do we circumvent his inevitable rejection?
RajWell, if you want to guarantee his appeal to Stephanie, your best bet would be to kill all the other men on the planet.
HowardI'll tell you what you shouldn't do. Don't spray him some with that body spray from the commercial where the women undress when they smell it? That doesn't work at all. No matter how much you put on.
SheldonSo that's all you've got? Apocalyptic genocide and "Go easy on the cologne"?
HowardYes.
RajYeah. Penny's door. SheldonPenny. Penny.
PennyWhat?
Sheldon(Knocks again) Penny. Zucchini bread.
PennyOh, thank you.
SheldonMay I come in?
PennyNo.
SheldonI see. Apparently, my earlier inquiry regarding you and Leonard crossed some sort of line. I apologize.
PennyOh, thank you.
SheldonSo have you and I returned to a social equilibrium?
PennyYes.
SheldonGreat. New topic.
PennyMm.
SheldonWhere are you in your menstrual cycle?
PennyWhat?
SheldonIt's- I've been doing some research online, and apparently, female primates- you know, uh, apes, chimpanzees, you. They find their mate more desirable when he's courted by another female. Now, this effect is intensified, when the rival female is secreting the pheromones associated with ovulation. Which brings me back to my question. Where are you-? (Penny slams the door) Clearly, I'm 14 days too early. The living room. LeonardAll I'm saying is, if they can cure yellow fever and malaria, why can't they do something about lactose intolerance?
StephanieLeonard, you're gonna have to let this go. You had a little cheese dip, you farted. I thought it was cute.
SheldonOh, hi, Stephanie.
StephanieHi.
LeonardWant some more wine?
StephanieYeah. I mean, I assume I'm not driving anywhere tonight. (Sheldon groans when they kisses)
LeonardWhat are you doing?
SheldonI have a craving for white asparagus (Shows him a jar) that apparently is destined to go unsatisfied. (Grunts)
LeonardExcuse me.
StephanieMm-hm.
Leonard(Goes over to the kitchen counter at where Sheldon is) What is wrong with you?
SheldonI'm helping you with Stephanie.
LeonardBy making constipated moose sounds?
SheldonWhen I fail to open this jar and you succeed, it will establish you as the alpha male. You see, when a female witnesses an exhibition of physical domination, she produces the hormone oxytocin. If the two of you then engage in intercourse, this will create the biochemical reaction which lay people naively interpret as falling in love.
LeonardHuh. Would it work if I just punched you in the face?
SheldonYes, actually, it would, but let's see how the lid goes. (Loudly) I'm not strong enough, Leonard. You'll have to do it.
LeonardOh, God's sakes. (Snatches the jar) Go ahead, it's pre-loosened. (Leonard can't open it) (Grunts)
StephanieDo you want some help with that?
LeonardNo, no, no. I got it.
SheldonOh, yeah, yeah. He's got it, and that's not surprising. This is something I long ago came to peace with in my role as the beta male. (To Leonard) Open it. (Leonard bangs the jar against the kitchen counter and breaks it) Ow! Ow, ow!
StephanieOh, my God, are you okay?
LeonardUh, no, I'm not- I'm bleeding.
Sheldon(To Stephanie) Like a gladiator.
StephanieOh, honey, you're gonna need stitches.
LeonardStitches?
StephanieMm-hm.
LeonardWith a needle?
StephanieWell, yeah. I mean, just a few.
LeonardOh, okay. Yeah, hang on a sec. (Goes over to the sink and throws up)
SheldonFYI, I was defrosting a steak in there. Stephanie's hospital. Sheldon(Checking Leonard's hand) What a beautiful job Stephanie did. Yeah I might have gone with a mattress suture instead of a blanket suture, but you can't argue with her results. It's a shame it won't scar. The war wound is a time-honored badge of masculinity.
LeonardI can't remember a time when you weren't talking.
SheldonJust for the record, my efforts to establish you as the alpha male were not aided by you bursting into tears.
LeonardI did not burst into tears. My eyes just got a little watery.
SheldonWatery?
LeonardShe stuck a needle into my hand.
StephanieHey, how's my big crybaby?
LeonardI didn't cry.
StephanieOkay, I'm just teasing you. But, yeah, you did. Alright, it's all good. What do you say we get you home, put you to bed?
LeonardOh. Are you still gonna spend the night?
StephanieUh, no. I think that you probably need to rest.
SheldonShe's right. As long as you're vomiting, coitus is contraindicated.
LeonardThank you, Dr. Cooper.
SheldonYou're welcome, Dr. Hofstadter.
StephanieOkay, I'm gonna go get your discharge papers.
(Sheldon clicks his tongue)
LeonardWhat?
SheldonYou seem like a perfectly pleasant person. I can't understand why women have such a hard time loving you. (Sighs) The living room. Leonard(To Howard) Can you open this for me?
RajCan I see your stitches?
LeonardSure. (Howard retches seeing the stitches)
RajAnswering the question once and for all why Wolowitz bailed out of medical school.
Penny(Enters) Leonard, congratulations.
LeonardWhat for?
PennyYour Facebook status update. "Leonard Hofstadter is in a relationship."
LeonardWhat? No. No, that's not right.
HowardOh, man, did you switch your status before she did? Speaking as an expert, way to look needy.
PennySeriously? You went first after only two weeks? That's bold.
LeonardIt's not bold, it's a mistake. I didn't change my status.
PennyWell, then who did?
SheldonI had no choice. He cried in front of her.
LeonardYou hacked my Facebook account?
SheldonOh, it's hardly hacking when you use the same password for everything, Kal-El.
LeonardAre you insane? Now she's gonna think I'm desperate. You've destroyed this relationship. And, you wanna know the worst part? You don't even understand what you did wrong because you can't conceive of something that you are not an expert in.
Sheldonln which I am not-
LeonardDon't even- Don't wanna hear another word out of you.
RajOoh.
PennyWhat's wrong, Lassie? Timmy fall down the well? (Raj points at the screen)
PennyOh, wow. She just updated her Facebook status.
Howard"Stephanie Barnett is in a relationship with Leonard Hofstadter."
LeonardReally? Oh, look at that. I have a girlfriend. Ha ha.
SheldonIf I am permitted to speak again, Dr. Sheldon Cooper, for the win.