The living room. Stephanie's checking Sheldon's hear.
StephanieI don't see anything at all, Sheldon.
SheldonUgh. You're the doctor, but I'm constantly hearing this annoying sound.
SheldonIs it a high-frequency whistle?
LeonardNo, it's more of a relentless, narcissistic drone.
StephanieYeah, there's no inflammation at all, Sheldon.
SheldonThen it must be a tumor.
StephanieI seriously doubt it.
LeonardMaybe it's a lingering bacterial infection from all those childhood toilet swirlies.
SheldonIs that possible? I used to get those all the time. Even in church.
StephanieWell, you know, if it is from a swirly, there's something I can do. Circle, circle, dot, dot, now you have a cootie shot. (To Leonard) I'm going to bed.
LeonardOkay. -I'll be right in.
SheldonIt's not enough she mocks me, but that isn't even the correct procedure for a cootie shot.
LeonardDo you understand that Stephanie's not here to treat your imaginary ailments?
SheldonHow is it imaginary that I keep hearing an octave above middle C? (Hums) Is that imaginary? (Hums) I don't think so. (Hums)
SheldonLeonard, there's one more thing. Under Article One, Section Three of our roommate agreement, I'm calling an emergency meeting.
LeonardNo, you're not.
SheldonLeonard moves the meeting not occur. Is there a second? None heard, the motion fails. I'd like to begin the meeting by congratulating you on the progress in your relationship with Dr. Stephanie.
SheldonAnd that being said, we have to discuss the implementation of the agreed cohabitation rider, which has been activated now that you're living together.
LeonardWe're not living together.
SheldonI beg to disagree. Ahem. "A girlfriend shall be deemed, quote, living with, unquote, Leonard, when she has stayed over for, A, 10 consecutive nights, or B, more than nine nights in a three-week period, or C, all the weekends of a given month plus three weeknights."
SheldonNah, you initialed it. See? "L. H., L. H., L. H."
LeonardOkay, wait. I only initialed it because I never thought it would happen. I-I initialed another clause naming you my sidekick in case I get superpowers.
SheldonHm. Yes, you did. Now, to review the following provisions are hereby activated. In the refrigerator, as opposed to us having two separate shelves and one communal shelf, the three of us now get individual shelves and the door becomes communal. Next, apartment vacuuming shall be increased from two to three times a week to accommodate the increased accumulation of dead skin cells. Third, the bathroom schedule. Now, I'm given to understand women have different needs, so we'll have to discuss that.
LeonardI'm going to bed.
SheldonBut, yeah, but- At least take this with you. Look, and have Stephanie initial here, here, here, here, and... here. This states that she does not now nor does she intend to play a percussive or brass instrument. (Leonard snatches the agreement and leaves)
Sheldon(In hlgh-pitched voice) Sure sounds like a tumor pressing on the auditory nerve.
LeonardNo, absolutely not.
SheldonIt's not a big deal. We have latex gloves.
LeonardI don't care what the symptoms are. My girlfriend is not gonna give you a prostate exam.
SheldonGood morning, Dr. Stephanie. I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night?
LeonardOh, good God. Sheldon, we don't ask questions like that.
SheldonI heard you ask it over and over. How is it inappropriate for me to ask it once?
StephanieHe did very nicely. (Kisses Leonard)
SheldonBut see? She's not offended. And now you finally have an answer.
Penny(Enters) Out of coffee. Need coffee.
PennyHi. Stephanie, right?
StephanieMm-hm. And-and-and, you are?
PennyI'm Penny. I live across the hall. Heard a lot about you.
Stephanie(Looks at Leonard) I haven't heard a thing about you. (Leonard lowers his head and whisks the batter frantically) Leonard? Why haven't I heard a thing about this woman who lives across the hall and comes into your apartment in the morning in her underwear?
LeonardUm. Uh- She's heard about you because we're, you know, involved, and-and you haven't heard about her because... I never slept with her, I swear.
SheldonIn Leonard's defense, it wasn't for lack of trying.
LeonardThank you, Sheldon.
SheldonYou're welcome, Leonard.
LeonardLook, I'm just saying, um, Penny is one of our many neighbors, you know. And-and in our building, neighbors come and go. Well, it's very casual. No dress code- In fact, some mornings, I'll just mosey down to the third floor in my pajamas and have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.
SheldonReally? I've never once been invited to have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.
LeonardShe doesn't like you. (To Stephanie) Well, you have a gall bladder to remove.
LeonardAnd I have to get in the shower and Penny has clothes to put on, so-
StephanieWell, it was very nice meeting you.
PennyNice to finally meet you too.
Stephanie(To Leonard) And I'll see you tonight?
Sheldon(Musingly) What could I possibly have done to offend Mrs. Vartabedian?
PennySo, that's Stephanie, huh?
LeonardWhy do I feel like I'm the one that just got the prostate exam?
PennyYou know, she seems very nice.
SheldonOh, she is. She's terrific. And she's proving to be a valuable roommate.
PennyRoommate? You guys are living together?
LeonardWe're not living together.
SheldonDo I have to pull out the paperwork again?
LeonardWe're not living together.
PennyAre you sure?
LeonardHow could I not be sure?
PennyWell, let's find out.
LeonardDon't you think if a woman was living with me, I'd be the first one to know about it?
PennyOh, sweetie, you'd be the last one to know about it.
Leonard's bedroom, continued from earlier.
PennyHmm. Cute dresses. I bet this looks great on you.
LeonardWe're not living together.
PennyOkay. Hmm. Scented candles, fuzzy slippers. Ooh. Floral bed sheets.
LeonardWe're not living together.
PennyOkay, moving on. Uh, who are these guys at Disney World?
LeonardUh... The big dog is Goofy. And the older couple with the mouse ears, I have no idea. We're not living together.
PennyYou're gonna go down swinging, huh? All right. Well, we got your body lotion, your InStyle magazine, your jewelry box. We're not- Where's my Bat-Signal?
PennyYou have a Bat-Signal?
LeonardI did. It was right here. She must've- Oh my God, we're living together.
PennyReally? What was your first clue?
(Leonard scratches his thighs and butts)
LeonardYeah. Stephanie got them for me.
LeonardActually, I think it's more of a wool-fire ant blend.
HowardSo the girlfriend's buying clothes for you, huh? Sounds serious.
LeonardIt is, actually. In fact, I gave it a lot of thought and I decided it was time for us to live together.
HowardOh, Leonard, huge mistake. There's a whole buffet of women out there and you're just standing in the corner eating the same deviled egg, over and over again.
LeonardAt least I have an egg. What do you have?
HowardA veritable smorgasbord of potential sexual partners. See the blond over there?
I can hit on her and you can't.
LeonardSo go hit on her.
Howard(Long pause) She's not my type.
RajToo bad. 'Cause she was checking you out before.
RajOf course not. Look at her.
LeonardYou know, I don't care what you guys think. Stephanie and I are very happy living together. I will give either of you $20 right now to trade pants with me. (Scratches frantically)
StephanieSheldon? What are you doing here?
SheldonHang on. 130/80. That's a little high. We can attribute that to the stress of sneaking past the security desk.
StephanieWhere did you get the stethoscope and blood pressure cuff?
SheldonMy Aunt Marion gave them to me for my 12th birthday. She thought if I failed at theoretical physics that I should have a trade to fall back on. And by the way, the blood pressure cuff is called a sphygmomanometer.
SheldonDidn't they teach you that in medical school?
StephanieI'm kind of busy here, Sheldon.
SheldonI understand. All I need is for you to authorize these tests.
StephanieHa. A cardiac stress test, a full-body MRI, an electromyogram, a CBC, baseline glucose, upper GI?
SheldonOh, and exploratory laparoscopy. The last time I had hiccups, it felt like my diaphragm was just going through the motions.
StephanieGo home, Sheldon. (Leaves)
SheldonCan I at least have the upper GI? I already drank the barium. (Chases her)
The laundary room. Leonard is there.
LeonardOh, good. Do you have any fabric softener?
PennyYeah, sure. (Leonard pours a bottleful into the machine)
PennyWhat are you washing, a crocodile?
LeonardNo. That pants that Stephanie got me.
PennyOh, sweetie, you can't machine wash these. They'll be ruined.
Leonard(Snatches them back and turns the machine on) Oh, no. I wish you'd told me that sooner.
PennyAre you guys having problems?
LeonardNo. Everything's fine.
LeonardYeah, it's wonderful. Okay, maybe this whole living together happened kind of suddenly, but it's fine, it's great.
PennyOkay, Leonard, honey, if you're uncomfortable with the way things are going, you're allowed to say something.
LeonardAre you sure? That doesn't sound right.
PennyBelieve me, your feelings are just as important as hers.
LeonardNo, that doesn't sound right either.
PennyJust tell her you need the relationship to move at a pace that you both are comfortable with.
LeonardYeah, I could say something like that to her. I'll go do that. Thank you.
PennySure. You have a really good grasp on this. Maybe you could talk to her?
PennyYou're kidding, right?
LeonardNo, but that's okay. I'll go talk to her. Wanna come with?
PennyGo. (He leaves) Wow.
The living room. Stephanie's checking Sheldon's mouth.
StephanieYou were right. Your larynx is terribly inflamed. I mean, I've never seen anything like it.
SheldonI knew it. What do I do?
StephanieYou're gonna need to stop talking immediately.
SheldonFor how long should-?
StephanieEh, eh, eh! Immediately.
LeonardSheldon. (Sheldon makes some unintelligible gestures and then leaves) What's going on?
StephanieI just performed a Sheldon-ectomy. (Pleased with herself)
LeonardCareful. If you don't get it all, it'll only come back worse.
LeonardListen, we need to talk.
StephanieUh-oh. Do we need to talk, or do we need to talk.
LeonardI don't know what that means.
StephanieOkay, why don't you just tell me what it is you have to tell me?
LeonardOkay. Um, well, look, it's just that, things between you and me have been going pretty quick.
LeonardIt's just a little scary.
StephanieWell yeah, but scary good, right?
LeonardSure. When is scary not good? But- Okay. Um, I have feelings, right?
LeonardOkay, and it's perfectly okay to express those feelings, right?
StephanieOf course. Honeky, why don't you tell me what is your feeling? (Moves closer to him on the couch)
LeonardOkay, well, I just- I think it's important to remember that we move at a pace that is our speed and... Oh, shoot, I had it.
StephanieOkay, how about this? How about I tell you what I'm feeling?
LeonardOk, what's that? (She whispers something in his ear) Really? Right now?
LeonardI just ate. Aren't you supposed to wait an hour?
StephanieI think that's for swimming.
LeonardHope I don't get cramps.
The laundry room. Continued from earlier.
PennyHey. Oh, I've put your clothes in the dryer.
PennyYour pants are ruined.
PennySo, now how'd the talk with Stephanie go?
LeonardWell, um, on one level, really, really well.
PennySo you told her you wanted to slow things down?
LeonardNot specifically. But, um, I did tell her that I had feelings.
PennyGood. Good. And then what?
LeonardAnd then the-the subject got changed somehow. (Smirks)
PennyYou had sex, didn't you?
LeonardUm... Little bit.
Leonard(Pennys looks at her watch) What?
PennyNothing. Okay, well, it sounds like things are gonna work out.
LeonardYeah. Yeah, it's all good. Everything's gonna work out, one way or another.
PennyGod, come on, Leonard. You-you are entitled to try and make things go the way you want them to.
PennyYes. You don't always have to go along with what the woman wants.
LeonardNothing. Just- Rethinking my whole life. Okay, here's the thing. I'm afraid that if I ask her to move out, she'll just dump me.
PennyWell, that's a chance you have to take. I mean, look, if it's meant to be, it'll be.
LeonardVery comforting. Okay, so, what do I say to her?
PennyI don't know. I mean, what have women said to you when they wanted to slow a relationship down?
LeonardI really like you, but I wanna see how things go with Mark?
PennyYeah, that'll slow it down.
Leonard's bedroom. Leonard and Stephanie and panting.
StephanieI'm sorry, I totally interrupted you. What were you saying?
LeonardOh. Right, yeah. Um, so, Stephanie, here's the thing. I really like you-
StephanieOh, God, here comes the speech.
StephanieI really like you but maybe we should spend a little less time together 'cause I need my space, but I'll call you on Tuesday. And then you never call me, so I call you, but you don't call me back. And then, when I run into you at the coffee shop, you pretend like you've been having problems with your voice mail and I know that you're lying but I pretend like I don't care, even though I'm dying inside. (Starts to cry)
LeonardNo. No, no. Uh, I wasn't gonna say any of that. I was just gonna say- I really like you.
StephanieOh! (Smiles) Oh, good, 'cause I really like you too.
HowardHey. Nice sweater.
LeonardYeah. Stephanie got it for me. It's kind of fun.
RajIt's got a big bird on it, dude.
LeonardYeah, yeah. That's the fun part. We're also getting new curtains for my bedroom and a dust ruffle and a duvet. And I don't even know what a duvet is, but I'm pretty sure if I did I wouldn't want one. But, every time I talk to her about moving out, she cries and we have sex.
RajYou're lucky. With me, it's usually the other way around.
HowardYou know, if you can't talk to her, why don't you just text her?
LeonardIsn't that kind of cowardly?
HowardOh, yeah. It's beyond contemptible.
RajThat's true. But, on the other hand, you are wearing a bird sweater.
LeonardSold. (Starts to text her) "l think it would be better for our relationship if you moved back to your place." There. It's done.
HowardGood for you.
LeonardYeah, good for me. I'll never have sex again.
Leonard(On phone) Oh, I was wrong. See you. (Leaves)
The hall. Sheldon knocks on Penny's door and plays sound using his laptop.
ComputerPenny. Penny. Penny.
ComputerI have an inflamed larynx.
ComputerWe are out of herbal tea. Do you have any?
PennyOkay. Let me check.
ComputerSome heinie would be nice too.