The cafeteria. SheldonYour argument is lacking in all scientific merit. And it is well-established, Superman cleans his uniform by flying into Earth's Yellow Sun which incinerates any contaminant matter, and leaves the invulnerable Kryptonian fabric unharmed and daisy fresh.
HowardWhat if he gets something Kryptonian on it?
SheldonLike what?
HowardI don't know. Kryptonian mustard.
SheldonI think we can safely assume that all Kryptonian condiments were destroyed when the planet Krypton exploded.
RajOr it turned into mustard Kryptonite. The only way to destroy a rogue Kryptonian hot dog threatening Earth.
LeonardRaj, please, let's stay serious here. Superman's body is Kryptonian, therefore his sweat is Kryptonian.
HowardYeah, what about Kryptonian pit stains?
SheldonSuperman doesn't sweat on Earth.
HowardOkay. He's invited for dinner in the bottle city of Kandor. He miniaturizes himself, enters the city, where he loses his super-powers. Now, before dinner, his host says, "Who's up for a little Kryptonian tetherball?" Superman says "Sure", works up a sweat, comes back to Earth, his uniform now stained with indestructible Kryptonian perspiration.
RajBooyah.
SheldonSuperman would've taken his uniform to a Kandorian dry-cleaner before he left the bottle.
RajWh- Kandorian dry-cl? I give up. You can't have a rational argument with this man.
(A guy enters)
HowardHey, isn't that the guy who won the MacArthur Genius Grant last year?
(They all turn and look at the guy)
HowardNo, not all at once.
RajThen how?
HowardLeonard. (He checks the guy out) Now Raj. Now Sheldon. (He raises his body to see clearer)
RajI didn't get a good look. Can I go again?
HowardNo.
LeonardThat's David Underhill. So what?
SheldonSo what? His observation of high-energy positrons has provided the first conclusive evidence for the existence of galactic dark matter.
LeonardI have two words for you. The first is "big, " the other's "whoop."
SheldonIt is a big whoop. Made almost all the work you've done since you've been here completely useless.
LeonardDid not.
HowardDid too.
LeonardDid- Okay, maybe some of it. But, look, the guy was just in the right place at the right time with the right paradigm-shifting reinterpretation of the universe. He got lucky.
RajIn more ways than one. He's a very handsome man.
HowardDoesn't do anything for me. If I was gonna go that way, I'm more of a Zac Efron kind of guy.
RajOh, yeah. Like you have a shot with Zac Efron.
David(Approaches) Excuse me. Are you Leonard Hofstadter?
LeonardUh, yeah.
DavidI'm David Underhill. (Stretches out his hand)
LeonardUh, yeah. Heh, heh. (Shakes his hand)
DavidHey, Dr. Gablehauser said if I wanted to set something up in the photomultiplier lab, that you'd be able to give me a hand?
LeonardYou wanna work with me?
DavidIf you have a little time, yeah.
LeonardWow. Yeah, sure. Yeah, no problem. Um, here's my home number, here's my cell, here's my office, here's my parents' number up in New Jersey. They know how to reach me, so. (Hands him the paper)
DavidOkay.
LeonardCongratulations on the MacArthur grant, by the way. Big fan.
DavidThanks. I'll call you.
LeonardOkay. Bye-bye. What are you looking at? You've never seen a hypocrite before? The living room. The guys are playing Wii bowling. RajTrailing badly, Wolowitz needs a strike if he has hopes of catching up with Sheldon who is dominating in the ninth frame with a career-best 68. (Sheldon applies powder on his hands)
(Howard missed all the pins)
LeonardHey, guys.
HowardThat doesn't count. Do-over, do-over.
SheldonThere are no do-overs in Wii bowling.
HowardThere are always do-overs when my people play sports.
Sheldon(To Leonard) Where were you this more important than Wii bowling night?
LeonardActually, I was-
SheldonIt's a rhetorical question. There is nothing more important than Wii bowling night.
LeonardCome on, it's just a video game, and we suck at it.
Sheldon(Gasps) Nice motivational speech from the team captain.
HowardWhere were you?
LeonardI was working with Dave Underhill.
HowardOoh, "Dave." Sounds like Leonard's got a new BFF.
LeonardActually, he is pretty cool. I mean, not only is he a brilliant scientist, but it turns out he's a black-diamond skier he collects vintage motorcycles, he plays in a rock band.
HowardSo? We're in a rock band.
LeonardNo. We play "Rock Band" on our Xbox.
SheldonNice motivational speech from our lead guitarist.
LeonardHe's funny too. He does this hysterical impersonation of Stephen Hawking having phone sex. (As Stephen Hawking) What are you wearing? (In normal voice) That's not- He does it better. Anyway, He said he was gonna take me to the gym tomorrow so I'm gonna go practice my sit-ups.
RajWow. Humongous man crush, dude.
HowardYeah, it's officially a bromance.
Penny(Enters) Hey, Sheldon. Are you and Leonard putting up a Christmas tree?
SheldonNo, because we don't celebrate the ancient pagan festival of Saturnalia.
PennySaturnalia?
HowardGather around, kids. It's time for Sheldon's beloved Christmas special.
SheldonIn the pre-Christian era, as the winter solstice approached and the plants died, pagans brought evergreen boughs in their homes as an act of sympathetic magic intended to guard the life essences of the plants until spring. This custom was later appropriated by Northern Europeans, and eventually, it becomes the so-called Christmas tree.
HowardAnd that, Charlie Brown, is what boredom is all about.
PennyOkay, well, thank you for that. But I got you and Leonard a few silly neighbor gifts, so I'll just put them under my tree.
SheldonWait. You bought me a present?
PennyUh-huh.
SheldonWhy would you do such a thing?
PennyI don't know. 'Cause it's Christmas?
SheldonOh, Penny. I know you think you're being generous, but the foundation of gift-giving is reciprocity. That you haven't given me a gift, you've given me an obligation.
HowardDon't feel bad, Penny. It's a classic rookie mistake. My first Hanukkah with Sheldon, he yelled at me for eight nights.
PennyNow, hey, it's okay. You don't have to get me anything in return.
SheldonOf course I do. The essence of the custom is I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value, and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you've given me. (To himself) It's no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year.
PennyOkay, you know what, forget it, I'm not giving you a present.
SheldonNo, it's too late. I see it. That elf sticker says "To Sheldon." The die has been cast. The moving finger has writ. Hannibal has crossed the Alps.
(Raj whispers something in Howard's ear)
HowardI know. It's funny when it's not happening to us.
PennySheldon, I am very, very sorry.
PennyNo, no. I brought this on myself by being such an endearing and important part of your life. I'm going to need a ride to the mall.
HowardIt's happening to us. The staircase. LeonardOw. Ow.
DavidAre you gonna make it?
LeonardYeah, I guess. Thanks for letting me try out your motorcycle.
DavidNo problem.
LeonardI had no idea it was so heavy. The thing just fell right over on me, didn't it? Heh.
DavidYeah. Lucky for you it wasn't moving.
PennyOh, hey, Leonard. Ooh, are you okay?
LeonardOh, yeah. It's just a little motorcycle accident.
PennyMy God. How fast were you going? I don't know. It was all such a blur.
David(Chuckles) Good one. He couldn't even get it started. (To Penny) Hi. Dave.
(They shake hands)
PennyHi. Penny. So it's your motorcycle?
DavidUh-huh.
PennyOh. Is it okay?
LeonardLucky for the bike it landed on my leg.
DavidYou mind giving me a hand with Speed Racer here?
PennyOh, yeah. Sure. (Supports Leonard's arm) So, um, Dave, how do you know Leonard?
DavidI'm a physicist.
PennyHa ha. No, you're not.
DavidWhy is that so surprising?
PennyUh, well, it's just that the physicists I know are indoorsy and pale.
LeonardI'm not indoorsy. I just wear the appropriate sun block because I don't take melanoma lightly.
PennySo, are you and Leonard working on an experiment together?
DavidYeah, actually we are.
LeonardYeah, we're examining the radiation levels of photomultiplier tubes for a new dark-matter detector.
PennySweetie, sweetie, Dave was talking. You know, I love science.
LeonardSince when?
PennySince always. Call me a geek, but I am just nuts for the whole subatomic-particle thing.
DavidThe last thing I would ever call you is a geek.
PennyOh, well, that's what I am. Queen of the nerds.
DavidHey, if you'd like, I could show you the lab we're working in. We've got some cool toys, you know. Lasers and stuff.
PennyYou know, I have always wanted to see a big science lab.
LeonardSince when?
PennySince always.
DavidLeonard, are you okay here?
LeonardYeah, I guess.
David(To Penny) How about we go see it now? Maybe afterwards, we take the bike up the coast, we grab a little bite to eat?
PennyUm, yeah. Yeah, that sounds great. Let me just get my jacket. (Leaves)
David(Stares at Penny) Boy, she'll do, huh?
LeonardYeah, if you like that type.
DavidSo, you and her?
LeonardNo, just neighbors.
DavidReally? I don't know how you live next door to that without doing something about it.
LeonardActually... Science is my lady.
PennyOkay. Let's go.
DavidAll right. See you tomorrow, Leonard.
LeonardSee you. Bye, Penny. Have fun. (Accidentally knocks at the door)
SheldonYes? (Lenoard slumps face upwards) Did you forget your key? A shop. SheldonI don't see anything in here a woman would want.
HowardYou're kidding. You've got lotions and bath oils and soaps. That's the estrogen hat trick.
SheldonWhat it is, is a cacophonous assault of eucalyptus, bayberry, cinnamon and vanilla. It's as if my head were trapped in the pajamas of a sultan.
RajSheldon, if you don't like this stuff, let's just go next door and build her a bear.
SheldonI told you before, bears are terrifying.
HowardCome on, bath stuff. It's perfect. You got a scented candle, a cleansing buff, spearmint and green tea scented bath oil, promotes relaxation.
SheldonThat presupposes Penny is tense.
RajShe knows you. She's tense. We all are. Buy a basket.
Howard(To the clerk) Excuse me, we're ready.
SheldonNo, we're not. Let's say for a moment that I accept the bath item gift hypothesis. I now lay the following conundrum at your feet. Which size?
HowardThis one. Let's go.
SheldonYou put no thought into that.
HowardI'm sorry. Ah... This one. Let's go.
SheldonI have insufficient data to proceed. (To the clerk) Excuse me, miss?
ClerkYes?
SheldonIf I were to give you this gift basket, based on that action alone and no other data, infer and describe the hypothetical relationship that exists between us.
ClerkExcuse me?
SheldonHere. (Hands her the basket) Now are we friends? Colleagues? Lovers? Are you my grandmother?
ClerkI don't understand what you're talking about and you're making me a little uncomfortable. (Hands it back)
HowardSee? Sounds just like you and Penny. We'll take it. The cafeteria. David and Penny are sitting at a table. DavidHey, Leonard. Come, join us.
LeonardOh, hey, Dave. And Penny. What a surprise.
PennyHey, Leonard. Dave was just showing me around the university. You know, this place is unbelievable.
LeonardYeah, I know. I've been offering to show you around for a year and a half. You always said you had yoga.
PennyI never said that.
LeonardMaybe I heard you wrong. A lot of words sound like "yoga."
DavidThis is an amazing woman, Leonard. She has a curious and agile mind. Not to mention being curious and agile in other respects.
PennyShut up.
LeonardYes, please shut up. So, um, Dave, don't you think you and I should get back to the lab? You know, that dark matter isn't gonna detect itself.
DavidActually, I was thinking about taking the afternoon off so I could work another experiment with Penny.
PennyReally? We're-we're gonna do an experiment?
DavidUh-huh. We're gonna explore the effects of tequila shots on a gorgeous 22-year-old woman.
PennyThat's not an experiment. You saw what happened last night.
DavidYou ready to go?
PennyYeah. Oh, can I drive the motorcycle?
DavidYeah, why not? You can't do any worse than Leonard.
PennyOh, my God.
LeonardNo, that's good. That's funny. (They leave) By the way, my leg is killing me. Thanks for asking. The living room. Leonard is dejectedly lying on the couch, face downwards. (Raj, Howard and Sheldon enter with many gift baskets)
Sheldon(Enters) Mm. Great news, Leonard. I've solved my Penny gift dilemma.
LeonardYippee.
SheldonYou see, the danger was that I might under- or over-reciprocate, but I have devised a foolproof plan. I will open her gift to me first and then excuse myself, feigning digestive distress. Then, I'll look up the price of her gift online, choose the basket closest to that value, give it to her, and then I'll return the others for a full refund.
LeonardBrilliant.
SheldonIt is, isn't it? Is it okay if I hide them in your room? The smell makes me nauseated.
LeonardDo whatever you want.
SheldonThank you. That's very gracious. (To Raj and Howard) Gentlemen?
HowardWhy couldn't you have just done what Leonard did, and get Penny a new boyfriend?
LeonardMy leg is killing me. Thanks for asking. Penny's living room. (Knocking on door)
Leonard(Enters) Okay, I have just one question for you. While I am perfectly happy with the way things are between us, you said that you didn't wanna go out with me because I was too smart for you. Well, news flash, lady: David Underhill is 10 times smarter than me. You'd have to drive a railroad spike into his brain for me to beat him at checkers. Next to him, I'm one of those sign-language gorillas who knows how to ask for grapes. So, my question is, what's up with that?
PennyWhy are you yelling at me? (Starts to cry)
LeonardSorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Never mind, we're cool. Dave is not smarter than you. He's an idiot.
Leonard(Happily) Really? Why would you say that?
PennyBecause a smart guy takes the nude photos of his wife off his cell phone before he tries to take nude photos of his girlfriend.
LeonardHe tried to take nude photos of you?
PennyThat's what you took from that? The guy is married.
LeonardOh, yeah. I'm sor- Oh, that's terrible.
PennyAnd you. If you are so okay with the way things are between us, why are you so jealous?
LeonardWell, that- The important thing is he's married and that's terrible.
PennyNice save, genius. Eggnog?
LeonardLactose.
PennyIt's just rum. It stopped being eggnog like a half an hour ago.
LeonardSmooth.
PennySmoother than you.
LeonardCome on, it's Christmas. Just give me this one.
PennyOkay. Merry Christmas. (Kisses him on the cheek)
LeonardBy the way, my leg is killing me. Thanks for asking. The living room. Knocking on door. PennyMerry Christmas.
LeonardMerry Christmas.
PennyHow's your leg?
LeonardVery good. Thanks for asking. Come on in.
SheldonOh, good, Penny, you're here to exchange gifts. You'll be pleased to know I'm prepared for whatever you have to offer.
PennyOkay. Here.
SheldonI should note, I'm having some digestive distress. So if I excuse myself abruptly, don't be alarmed. (Tears it open) Oh, a napkin.
PennyTurn it over.
Sheldon(Legs getting weak) "To Sheldon. Live long and prosper. Leonard Nimoy."
PennyYeah, he came into the restaurant. Sorry the napkin's dirty. He wiped his mouth with it.
Sheldon(Springs up) I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy? (His hands shudder)
PennyWell... Yeah, yeah, I guess. But look, he signed it.
SheldonDo you realize what this means? All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy.
PennyOkay, all I'm giving you is the napkin, Sheldon. (No egg)
SheldonBe right back.
Penny(To Leonard) Here, open it.
LeonardOh. A gift certificate for motorcycle lessons. Very thoughtful.
PennyYeah, and I checked. Not letting the bike fall on you while standing still is lesson one.
LeonardOh, then I think you'll appreciate what I got you.
PennyOkay. "101 Totally Cool Science Experiments for Kids."
LeonardYou know, 'cause you're so into science.
(Sheldon comes out carrying all the baskets)
PennySheldon, what did you do?
SheldonI know. It's not enough, is it? Here. (Hugs her awkwardly)
PennyLeonard, look. Sheldon's hugging me.
LeonardIt's a Saturnalia miracle.