The living room.
HowardAll right, that's the last servo. Behold the Mobile Omnidirectional Neutralization and Termination Eradicator. Or-
HowardFeaturing one articulated razor-sharp killing saw, one polycarbonate grinding and flipping wheel, steel-armor plate exoskeleton top and bottom, and enough horsepower to drive 110 pounds of mechanized death from zero to holy crap in 4.8 seconds.
SheldonIs it wrong to say I love our killer robot?
RajAs with my father, I both love and fear it.
HowardAll right, enough chitchat. Let's destroy something.
All(Lift it up from the coffee table and put it on the floor) One, two, three. Unh.
RajOkay, what shall be first to taste the wrath of Monte?
LeonardMaybe we should start small.
RajOkay. Oh, perhaps today is the day we finally find out what's inside the Magic 8 Ball.
SheldonDid it when I was 4. It's an icosahedral die floating in tinted blue water.
RajMan, call spoiler alert before you say things like that.
LeonardHow about the toaster oven?
SheldonWhat did the toaster oven ever do to you?
LeonardWhat did I do to Jimmy Mullins in the third grade? He still punched me in the face with my own fists. (To the oven) Sorry, you little nerd. You were just in the wrong boys' room at the wrong time.
SheldonYeah, this is an auspicious moment. Like Robert Oppenheimer or Neil Armstrong, we need the appropriate words to mark this historic scientific event.
RajHow about, "Die, toaster, die"?
LeonardThat'll do it.
(Monte moves and then erases, terminates, and smashes the unlucky oven)
RajAll right, what's next?
Penny(On the staircase) No, I think I'm just gonna stay in tonight and do laundry. (Monte storms out; she screams and runs away)
The hallway. Continued from earlier.
HowardOh, yeah. This door got the full monty.
PennyLeonard? Uh-huh? What the hell?
LeonardA killer robot. We built it.
PennyYeah, well, it almost killed me.
SheldonIf it wanted to kill you, you'd be dead.
PennySo, who exactly does it wanna kill?
SheldonI'm sorry, are you unaware of the upcoming Southern California Robot Fighting League round robin Invitational?
Penny(Deadpan) You know, since I moved last year, not all my mail has been forwarded.
HowardIt's a big deal, heh. There's an awards banquet and a dance afterward. Perhaps you'd like to come with me. I know the other fellas would be really excited to see a girl there.
PennyHow is it supposed to be a dance if I'm the only girl?
HowardWell, that may be a slight exaggeration. You'd be the only doable girl.
PennyYou're a pig, Howard.
HowardHow is doable anything but a compliment?
LeonardHoward, why don't we just work on the robot?
HowardPlease, Leonard, not now. Once again, Penny and l have begun our little tango.
PennyOur- Our tango?
HowardThe carnal repartee, the erotic to and fro. But, as delicious as the appetizer might be, at some point we will have to succumb and eat the entrée while it's still... (Mimcs sizzling) hot.
LeonardI'm begging you, stop talking.
PennyLook, normally, I can just ignore you. I mean, I get it. You're a little peculiar. You know, like Sheldon.
SheldonYeah, excuse me, Penny, but in this room, you're the one who's peculiar.
PennyYeah, you might be right. But back to you. You think you're some sort of smooth-talking ladies man, but the truth is you are just pathetic and creepy.
HowardUm... So what are you saying?
PennyI am saying it is not a compliment to call me doable. It is not sexy to stare at my ass and say: (Mimics him) "Ooh, it must be jelly, 'cause jam don't shake like that." And most important, we are not dancing a tango. We're-we're not to-ing and fro-ing. Nothing is ever gonna happen between us. Ever.
HowardWait a minute. This isn't flirting. You're serious.
PennyFlirting? You think I'm flirting with you? I am not flirting with you. No woman is ever gonna flirt with you. You're just gonna grow old and die alone.
HowardThanks for the heads-up. (Takes off his goggles and starts to leave)
LeonardHoward, where are you going?
HowardI'm going home, to live my creepy, pathetic life.
PennyWell, someone had to say it.
(Raj whispers something into Leonard's ear; Leonard chuckles)
LeonardUh, he said maybe we should enter you in the killer-robot competition. (Raj and Leonard smirk and then stop, noticing Penny glaring at them)
Howard's bedroom. He's lying on the bed, dejectedly.
Mrs. WolowitzHoward, the phone is ringing!
HowardHere's a crazy idea, Ma: answer it!
Mrs. Wolowitz(On phone) Hello? All right, hold on. (To him) It's your friend, Leonard! He wants to know why you're not at school today.
HowardI don't go to school, Ma. I work at a university.
Mrs. WolowitzThat's a school. Now pick up the phone.
HowardI don't wanna talk to anybody.
Mrs. WolowitzShould I ask Leonard to bring over your homework?
HowardI don't have homework. I'm a grown man with a Master's degree in Engineering!
Mrs. WolowitzExcuse me, Mr. Fancy Pants. Want me to get you a popsicle?
Mrs. WolowitzI ate the cherry. All that's left is green.
HowardYou make me wanna kill myself.
[Cut to the cafeteria.]
RajWhat's going on?
LeonardI don't know. Now they're just yelling about popsicles. Sounds like Penny really got to him.
RajI'm not surprised. Despite his hard and crusty shell, Howard is a very sensitive man. Do you know he writes poetry? Mostly about men from Nantucket and hermits named Dave, but he does it with real sensitivity.
BarryHey, Hofstadter. Word around the plasma lab is you built a robot?
LeonardYes, we did, Kripke.
SheldonHis name is Monte.
BarryWell, if you have any delusions about entering him against my robot, the Kripke Crippler in the Southern California Robot Fighting League Round Robin Invitational aka the SCRFLRRl, his name is gonna be Scrap Metal.
LeonardCome on. Is that really necessary?
SheldonLeonard, I believe it is. This is trash talk. Trash talk is a traditional component in all sporting events. (Clears throat and stands up) Kripke, your robot is inferior, and it will be defeated by ours, because ours exceeds yours in both design and execution. Also, I'm given to understand that your mother is overweight.
SheldonNow, of course if that is a result of a glandular condition and not sloth and gluttony, I withdraw that comment.
RajWhat difference does it make? Fat is fat.
SheldonThere are boundaries.
BarryTell you what, forget the SCRFLRRl. Let's settle this roboto a roboto.
LeonardWhat do you mean?
BarryThere's no guarantee we're gonna go against each other in the round robins, so let's throw down. You know, unless you're afraid.
SheldonWe accept your challenge. Name a time and place.
BarryTomorrow, 3:00, the kinetics lab.
SheldonMake it so.
LeonardNo, don't make it so. Barry, we can't fight you tomorrow. Our engineer is incapacitated.
BarryWhat's wrong with him?
RajHe's depressed because he's pathetic and creepy and can't get girls.
BarryWe're all pathetic and creepy and can't get girls. That's why we fight robots. If you're not there, you'll be exposed to ridicule.
RajI'm curious, what part of America is that accent from? [Barry Kripke]
The hallway. Leonard knocks on Penny's door.
LeonardHey, you got a minute?
PennyYeah, come on in. What's up?
LeonardI need you to apologize to Howard-
LeonardCome on. Wolowitz won't come out of his house and we need him for a robot battle.
PennyThen have the robot go and get him.
LeonardThe robot didn't hurt his feelings.
PennyHis feelings needed to be hurt.
LeonardHe's been in bed for two days.
PennyYeah, probably with a blow-up doll.
LeonardHe's not with a- Does it really matter who or what he's with? The- The guy is devastated.
PennyOh, please. How could I possibly devastate Howard?
LeonardOkay, don't take this as a criticism, but you do kind of have that overexposed-to-gamma-rays thing going on.
PennyWhat's that mean?
LeonardYou know. Like, most of the time, you're the easygoing Bruce Banner. But then when you get angry, you kind of turn into like, you know: (Growls)
PennyI turn into a bear?
LeonardSeriously? Gamma rays? Bruce Banner? You didn't get The Incredible Hulk from that? Never mind. Just- Please, just, go talk to him.
PennyOh, and say what? That I didn't mean it? Because I meant it.
LeonardWell, maybe you can go at it from a different angle. Like, um, you see a glimmer of goodness in him, and you only said what you said because you want to nurture it and make it shine.
LeonardOkay, let's try it this way. Remember the day that we first met and you asked me to go to your boyfriend's apartment to get your TV back? And he was 9 feet tall and he took my pants off and you said- What was that? What did you say? Oh, yes. You said you owed me one.
PennyOkay, come on, that's not fair.
LeonardI came home with no pants.
PennyFine. I'll go over there tomorrow.
LeonardThank you. I should probably give you a heads-up about his mother.
PennyWhat about her?
LeonardShe's a delightful woman. You'll love her.
Mrs. WolowitzHoward, there's a blond girl, Patsy, here to see you.
Mrs. WolowitzOkay, now she's saying it's Penny.
HowardI don't wanna talk to her.
Mrs. WolowitzShe ran past me. Was I supposed to tackle her?
PennySo, I just came by to see how you were doing.
PennyGood. Your mom seems nice.
HowardPeople move away from her on the bus. What do you want?
PennyOkay, look, Howard, I just want to, apologize. (No response) For some things that I have said. (Still no response) About you. I've been informed that you have feelings. And apparently, I have hurt them. So, I'm sorry. Howard.
HowardFine. You're sorry. Goodbye.
PennySo, you're okay?
HowardHey, I'm a big boy. I'm not traumatized by some random comment from some random woman. I mean, get over yourself.
PennyOkay. Well, bye. (Leaves. Howard closes the door and sobs) So close (Enters again).
The living room.
(Crashing on computer)
LeonardOh, my God. That's Kripke's robot?
Barry(On computer) As you can see, the Crippler is reducing the Chevy Cavalier to rubble.
RajI can't watch anymore.
LeonardSheldon, we have to call it off.
SheldonWe don't have that option. We've accepted the challenge. We can't run away from a fight.
LeonardOh, please. We've spent our whole lives running away from fights. Personally, I can squeeze through a hole in a fence half my size.
SheldonWell, impressive as that may be, Monte is not us. Monte has no fear.
RajWhat- Sheldon, did we all not just watch the same video? Kripke's robot just had angry sex with a mid-sized automobile.
SheldonYou are overlooking the fact we know what we're up against. And we can modify Monte so that he's prepared.
LeonardYou wanna prepare him? Install a bladder and a pair of shorts so he can wet himself.
RajExcuse me, but how are we gonna make any modifications without Wolowitz? Have you heard from Penny?
SheldonHave faith, gentlemen. We don't need Wolowitz. Engineering is merely the slow younger brother of physics. Watch and learn. Do either of you know how to open the toolbox?
Howard's bedroom. Penny and he are sitting on his bed.
HowardAnd then when I was 14, I met Marcy Grossman. She was so beautiful. She just got her braces off, but they left a little of the overbite. It was so hot. Like a sexy little chipmunk. I didn't have the courage, to ask her out, but I dedicated a song to her at the ninth-grade talent show.
PennyAw, that sounds sweet.
Howard(Sings to the tune of "My Girl") Marcy Grossman is sunshine / On a cloudy day / When it's cold outside / Marcy Grossman is the month of May
PennyOh, it's cute.
HowardI guess you'd say / What can make me feel this way? / Marcy Grossman, Marcy Grossman, Marcy Grossman / Talking about Marcy
PennyHa, it' s fun.
HowardAnd then she came up with that sexy little chipmunk mouth and spit in my hair. Which brings us to 10th grade.
PennyHoward, do you think maybe sometimes you try too hard?
Howard(Scoffs) Look at me. What chance do I have if I don't try too hard?
PennyWell, you have a terrific chance. I mean, you're smart, you're funny, you have a cool job. You build stuff that goes into outer space.
PennyNo, look, I'm telling you, I've known you for like a year and a half and this is the first time I feel like I'm talking to a real person. And you know what? I like him. He's a nice guy.
HowardYou really think so?
HowardI don't know.
PennyNo, I do. (Chuckles)
(Heartbeat pounding in slow motion. We see a close-up of Howard's mouth, Penny's dilated eye, and her fist)
The kinetics lab.
LeonardNice little bot you've got here.
LeonardWhat's this do, spin?
BarryYep. At 3400 rpm. It can cut through steel like it was rubber.
LeonardNeat. Good work. (Goes back to the guys) Sheldon, we've gotta call this off.
SheldonNo, Leonard. For years, merciless thugs like Kripke have made my life a series of painful noogies, and humiliating wedgies, and the insensitively named Indian burns. Well, that stops now.
RajBut, Sheldon, we don't have a chance. The only improvement you were able to make on the robot was to put fresh batteries in the remote.
SheldonWhat you fail to realize is Kripke suffers from a fatal flaw: Overconfidence from his robot's massive size and its overwhelming power.
RajThat's not overconfidence. That's observation.
SheldonTrust me, Kripke will fall easy prey to my psychological warfare. Observe. (To Barry) Kripke. I would ask if your robot is prepared to meet its maker, but as you are its maker, clearly the two of you have met.
BarryWhat is his problem?
RajWay to bust out the Jedi mind tricks, dude.
LeonardI just wanna make sure that we're all clear. Standard Robotic Fighting League rules apply.
BarryAre you crazy? This is a street fight. The street has no rules.
SheldonHe's right, Leonard. The paradigm is to the death.
BarryI will, however, give you the opportunity to concede my superiority now, and offer me your robot as the spoils of war.
SheldonNever. I'd rather see Monte dead than in your hands.
BarryThat could be easily arranged. Ready, set, go?
BarryAll right, then. Ready, set, go.
RajCome on, Sheldon, you got this.
Sheldonlndeed. We are prepared for anything he can throw at us. (Barry Kripke lights a torch) That's new.
LeonardRun, Monte, run.
LeonardGo, go, go, go.
SheldonDon't hurt us, don't hurt us.
The living room.
LeonardWell, so much for making up for the emotional wounds of childhood.
SheldonI did this. Monte was killed by my hubris and my pride. No matter what anybody says, this is my fault.
RajNo one's arguing with you, dude.
Howard(Storms in with Penny in tow) I got your text. How bad is? Oh.
LeonardForget the robot. What happened to you?
PennyHe slipped and fell.
HowardYes. I slipped and fell. In the bathroom. Bounced right off the tub.
PennyYes. Now he knows what bathtubs are capable of doing when you don't treat them with respect.
HowardYeah. The sucker punch you when your eyes are closed.
SheldonSo, what do you think, Howard? It-it's not that bad, right?
HowardYeah, no. A little electrical tape, some solder, are you insane? I've seen space probes that crashed into the desert that were in better shape than this.
SheldonYou're right. Monte's gone. We'll bury him in the morning. A simple ceremony. I'll speak. Leonard, you'll play your cello.
PennySheldon, honey, aren't you getting a little carried away? I mean, it's just a toy robot.
Sheldon(On the verge of a nervous breakdown ) Just a toy robot? (Runs into his bedroom and slams the door)
PennyI know, I got it. Sheldon? I'm sorry.
HowardWell, don't get the wrong idea. The way I see it, I'm halfway to pity sex.