RajMm. Gentlemen, I put it to you: The worst tapioca pudding is better than the best pudding of any other flavor.
SheldonFirst off, that is axiomatically wrong because the best pudding is chocolate. Secondly, the organic structure of tapioca makes it a jiggling bowl of potential death. It is extracted from the plant-
HowardHey, I'm thinking of growing a mustache.
LeonardOh, no kidding.
LeonardFu Manchu, a handlebar, pencil?
SheldonIt's extracted from the plant-
HowardI'm not sure yet. You know, George Clooney has one now.
RajReally? I once saw him shopping at Ralphs. He was buying tequila.
HowardWow, you'd think a guy like that would have some kind of booze lackey.
(Sheldon's mouth twitches)
LeonardAll right, this is cruel. We better let him finish before his head explodes.
HowardAll right. Sheldon, why is tapioca-
SheldonTapioca is extracted from the root of the plant Manihot esculenta. Due to a high concentration of cyanide, it is poisonous in its raw form and lethal if prepared improperly. (Drains his glass in one gulp)
RajFeel better now?
SheldonIt's aslo indigenous to Brazil, as is the cocoa bean from which we get chocolate, the best pudding. You promised you wouldn't do that anymore.
BarryHeard about your latest anti-proton decay experiment. Twenty thousand data runs and no statistically significant results. Very impressive.
HowardWhat a jerk.
RajDon't feel bad, Leonard. Negative results are still results.
HowardEven 20, 000 of them.
LeonardAll right. Please don't cheer me up anymore.
HowardCome on, don't let him get to you. It's Kripke.
RajYeah, he's a ginormous knob.
HowardThat's why he eats by himself instead of sitting here at the cool table.
SheldonHey, it's true, Kripke lacks the basic social skills that we take for granted. But he also controls the new Open Science Grid computer that I need to use to run some simulations of structure formation in the early universe.
LeonardGood luck getting time on it. The only people he lets use it are his friends.
SheldonWell, then, the solution is simple. I shall befriend him. Kripke.
BarryYeah? What would you say to the idea of you and I becoming friends?
BarryI would say, I have no interest in becoming your friend.
SheldonReally? Oh, that seems rather shortsighted, coming from someone who is generally considered altogether unlikable. Aren't you take some time, to reconsider.
Barry(Scoffs) Yeah, I'll do that.
SheldonWell, I think we're off to a terrific start.
The living room. Leonard is fixing Penny's laptop.
LeonardThere you go. Now any e-mail from Wolowitz will go right into your spam folder.
PennyThanks. I mean, the e-mail doesn't bother me as much as the vacation pictures of him in a bathing suit.
LeonardYeah, I got the same one. And that's not a bathing suit, it's a tan line. (Penny covers her face in her hands)
Sheldon(On phone) Hello, this is Sheldon Cooper. I am leaving a message for Barry Kripke. Barry, it was pleasant seeing you today in the cafeteria. I saw that you purchased the chef's salad. Apparently, you did not know that the chef's salad is kitchen trickery to utilize scrap meat. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed it. I'm following up on our pending friendship. And I look forward to hearing from you regarding its status. Sheldon Cooper. (Hangs up)
PennyWhat's up with Ichabod?
LeonardOh, he's trying to make a new friend.
PennyOh, really? Well, good for him.
LeonardWell, unless he makes one out of wood like Geppetto, I don't think it's gonna happen.
PennyUm, how did you guys become friends?
LeonardThere was a flyer on the bulletin board at the university: "Roommate wanted. Whistlers need not apply."
PennyAnd you moved in anyway?
LeonardI assumed he was joking. You'd be surprised how many particle physicists have a whimsical side.
PennyWell, what about Howard and Rajesh? How did he become friends with them?
LeonardI don't know. How do carbon atoms form a Benzene ring? Proximity and valence electrons.
PennyWell, yeah, sure, when you put it that way. But it all worked out, right?
LeonardI suppose. I do miss whistling though.
PennyOh, come on. Really?
Outside Penny's door.
SheldonPenny. Penny. Penny. (She opens the door) This is for you.
PennyWhat is this?
SheldonIt's a questionnaire I devised. I'm having some difficulty bonding with a colleague at work, so I'm doing a little research to better understand why my current friends like me.
PennyYes, well, that is a good question. But, is this really the best way to figure it out?
SheldonI agree. The social sciences are largely hokum. But, short of putting electrodes in your brain and monitoring your response to my companionship, this is the best I can do.
PennyOkay, question one: "Rank the following aspects of Sheldon Cooper in order of appeal: Intelligence, ruthless attention to hygiene, playfulness, Java applet writing"?
SheldonI know. I may have started off with a fairly obvious one. You'd- An aspect of my most appealing trait: playfulness. Why don't you just go ahead rank that number one? I'm afraid you're on your own for the rest. It should take you no more than three hours.
PennyWell, wait, how many questions are on this thing?
SheldonOnly 211. You don't worry. In deference to you I've kept them all at a high-school graduate reading level.
SheldonYou got it, buddy.
PennySheldon, honey, did you ever consider making friends by being... I don't know, pleasant?
SheldonWell, that's certainly a thought-provoking hypothesis. May I suggest it as the topic for your essay?
The living room.
SheldonTsk, tsk, tsk. Your questionnaire, very disappointing.
LeonardI answered every question, Sheldon.
SheldonYou answered the multiple choice questions in a pattern. A-B-B-A-C, A-B-B-A-C.
LeonardOh, you picked up on that, huh?
SheldonYeah, wait- How could I not?
LeonardWell, uh, come on. There's over 200 questions. And look at some of these things. "Sheldon is to camaraderie as the space shuttle is to blank."
SheldonThere are a number of acceptable answers. For example, C, near-Earth transport. But certainly not B, avocado rancher. And your essay, suggesting that I'd have better luck making friends if I wait till the Cylons take over? Please.
LeonardHold on. I put some real work into that.
SheldonYes, well, it's better than what Wolowitz did. He drew a raccoon with what appears to be a distended scrotum.
LeonardIt's kinda cute. (Sheldon glares at him) Uh, till you get to the scrotum.
SheldonYeah. What hope do I have for establishing new relationships, given that my current friends apparently could not take a few hours out of their lives to help me?
LeonardWell, Sheldon, I'm not going to defend a big-balled raccoon.
SheldonI don't see how you could.
LeonardUgh. What I'm trying to say is that maybe you can't approach this as a purely intellectual exercise.
SheldonWhat do you mean?
LeonardWell, ahh, remember when you tried to learn how to swim using the lnternet?
SheldonI did learn how to swim.
LeonardOn the floor.
SheldonThe skills are transferable. I just have no interest in going in the water.
LeonardThen why learn how to swim?
SheldonThe ice caps are melting, Leonard. In the future, swimming isn't going to be optional. But you do bring up an interesting point. I don't have to break new ground here. I'm sure much of the research already exists.
LeonardNo. No, my point is if you wanna learn how to make friends, then just go out to a coffee shop, or a museum. Meet people. Talk to them. Take an interest in their lives.
SheldonThat's insane on the face of it. Come on.
LeonardWhere are we going?
SheldonYou're driving me to the mall. I'm going to to acquire a book that summarizes the current theories in the field of friend making.
LeonardWhy don't you just lie down on the floor and swim there?
Sheldon(Reads the title of a book, which is held by a woman standing in front of him in the line) "Coping With the Death of a Loved One." My condolences.
SheldonFamily or friend?
SheldonToo bad. If it'd been a friend, I'm available to fill the void. (The woman leaves) It's just as well. She smelled like mothballs.
LeonardOkay, if you're gonna start sniffing people, I'm gonna go get a hot pretzel.
Sheldon(To the clerk) Excuse me. Do you have any books about making friends?
ClerkUm, yeah, but they're all for little kids.
SheldonOh, I assume the skills can be extrapolated and transferred.
ClerkUh, I guess. They're right over there by the wooden train set.
SheldonOh! I love trains.
ClerkI bet you do.
Sheldon(Picks up a building block) Oh, my, that's awfully sticky. All right. Let's see. "Bernie Bunny Has Two Daddies Now." That's probably about homosexual rabbits. "Gerry the Gerbil and the Bullies on the Bus." Read it, not helpful. Ooh. Well, here we go. "Stu the Cockatoo is New at the Zoo." "Author Sarah Carpenter, lives in Fort Wayne, lndiana (Sits down next to a little girl), with her husband and best friend, Mark, and their cockatoo, Stu." Hardly makes her an expert in making friends, wouldn't you agree?
GirlI don't like birds. They scare me.
Sheldon(Intrigued) Me too. Most people don't see it. What're you reading?
SheldonOh, I do like monkeys.
GirlCurious George is a monkey.
SheldonSomewhat anthropomorphized, but yes. (Leonard slowly approaches) Say, maybe sometime you and l could go see monkeys together. Would you like that?
LeonardSheldon, what are you doing? I'm making friends with this little girl. What's your name?
SheldonHi, Rebecca. I'm your new friend, Sheldon.
LeonardNo, you're not. Let's go.
SheldonI- (Leonard drags him away) We were really hitting it off.
LeonardDon't look up, there's cameras.
RajI'm curious, in the "How Well Do You Know Sheldon?" section, what did you put for his favorite amino acid?
Leonard & Howard (In unison) Lysine.
RajDamn it, I had lysine and changed it. (They enter the apartment)
SheldonOh, good. You're just in time. I believe I've isolated the algorithm for making friends.
LeonardSheldon, there is no algorithm for making friends.
HowardOh, hear him out. If he's really onto something, we could open a booth at Comic-Con, make a fortune.
SheldonYou see, my initial approach to Kripke had the same deficiencies as those that plagued Stu the Cockatoo when he was new at the zoo. (Hands Raj the book)
RajStu the Cockatoo?
LeonardYes. He's new at the zoo.
SheldonIt's a terrific book. I've distilled its essence into a simple flow chart that will guide me through the process.
Howard(Sighs) Have you thought about putting him in a crate while you're out of the apartment?
Sheldon(On phone) Hello, Kripke. Yeah, Sheldon Cooper here. It occurred to me you hadn't returned any of my calls because I hadn't offered any concrete suggestions for pursuing our friendship. Yeah, perhaps the two of us might share a meal together. (Points at a "Generic processing steps" block in the [flowchart]) Yeah, I see. (Follows a "Conditional or decision") Well, then perhaps you'd have time for a hot beverage? Popular choices include tea, coffee, cocoa. I see. No no no, wait. Don't hang up yet. But, what about a recreational activity? I bet we share some common interests. Tell me an interest of yours. Really? On actual horses? Tell me another interest of yours. Oh, I'm sorry. I have no desire to get in the water till I absolutely have to. Tell me another interest of yours.
LeonardUh-oh, he's stuck in an infinite loop.
HowardI can fix it. (Goes to modify the flowchart)
SheldonMm-hm. Mm-hm. It's interesting but isn't ventriloquism by definition a solo activity? Yeah. Tell me another interest of yours. Hmm. Is there any chance you like monkeys? Yeah, what is wrong with you? Everybody likes monkeys. Hang on, Kripke. (To Howard) A loop counter and an escape to the least objectionable activity. Howard, that's brilliant. I'm surprised you saw that.
HowardGee, why can't Sheldon make friends?
Sheldon(Back on phone) All right. That last interest strikes me as the least objectionable. And I would like to propose that we do that together. Tomorrow. Yes, I'll pay. All right, goodbye. (Hangs up) All right. Time to learn rock climbing.
A rock climbing gym.
SheldonYou know, I am a fan of ventriloquism. Maybe you, me and your dummy could go get a hot beverage. He could talk while you drink.
BarryNope. I wanna climb some rocks.
SheldonThis appears significantly more monolithic than it did on my laptop. No one expects to see hominids learning to use bones as weapons.
BarryHey, you afraid of heights, Cooper?
SheldonHardly. A fear of heights is illogical. Fear of falling, on the other hand, is prudent and evolutionary. What would you say is the minimum altitude I need to achieve to cement our newfound friendship?
BarryCome on, they have birthday parties here. Little kids climb this.
Sheldon(Whispers) Little kid hominids, perhaps. (To the coach) So is this your entire job? Your parents must be so proud.
BarryLet's go, Cooper.
SheldonComing, Kripke. Okay, harness seems to be secure. A small amount of incontinence just now, but the website said that's to be expected. Hey. This isn't so bad. It's a bit like vertical swimming.
BarryHey, look at you, Cooper, you're almost halfway the top.
SheldonI am? (Looks down) I- I was wrong. (Clutches the "cliff") It is a fear of heights.
BarryYou all right there, Cooper?
SheldonNot really. I feel somewhat like an inverse tangent function that's approaching an asymptote.
BarryAre you saying you're stuck?
SheldonWhat part of "inverse tangent function approaching an asymptote" did you not understand?
BarryI understood all of it, I'm not a moron. Just keep going.
SheldonYeah, I don't think I can.
BarryWell, then climb back down.
Sheldon(Looks down) No, that doesn't seem any more likely.
BarrySo what's the plan, Cooper?
SheldonWell, it's not exactly a plan but I think I'm going to pass out (Passes out).
The living room.
LeonardI'm sorry, can we just please do it one more time?
HowardOkay. One, two. One, two, three and- (Howard, Raj, and Leonard whistle [Sweet Georgia Brown])
LeonardIt's a little thing but you really do miss it.
Sheldon(Enters) Hello, everyone. I brought my new friend, Barry Kripke, home for dinner.
(The guys groan)
BarryHello to you too.
LeonardHow was rock climbing?
BarryHe passed out. Just hung there like a big salami. (Sits at the spot).
SheldonEh, eh, eh. That's where I sit.
BarryOoh, you have a special spot. What kind of wacko are you?
HowardHow much time you got?
LeonardYou want some Chinese food?
BarryTerrific. Got any dental floss?
LeonardIn the bathroom.
BarryBe right back. I gotta floss Indian food out of my teeth if I'm gonna eat Chinese.
PennySheldon, are you okay?
SheldonOh, yes. I pass out all the time. But, it was worth it. I've made substantial progress in bonding with Kripke, which brings me to an awkward moment.
SheldonMaintaining five friendships promises to be a Herculean task. So, I'm going to have
to let one of you go.
Howard(Whispers) Me, me, let it be me.
SheldonLeonard, you are my roommate, my source of transportation, and you help me fold my sheets when they come out of the dryer. You are safe.
LeonardCan I whistle?
SheldonDon't be silly. Howard, you do not have a Ph. D. Your cologne is an assault on the senses. And you're not available for video games during the Jewish High Holidays.
HowardGuilty as charged. I'm out.
SheldonNo. You, too, are safe.
Howard(Sighs in frustration) Aw, come on. What do I have to do?
PennyOkay, you know what? I see where this is going. I'm not one of you guys. I'm not a scientist, so just tell me what-
SheldonPenny Penny Penny, everything you're saying is true, but please allow me to continue. Raj, you're out. It's a good question. While you do provide a certain cultural diversity to an otherwise homogenous group, your responses to the questionnaire were truly disturbing. How could you for a moment think that my favorite amino acid is glutamine? (Raj whispers something in Leonard's ear)
LeonardHe had lysine but changed it.
SheldonYeah. Should have, would have, could have, Raj.
Barry(Comes back) I like to floss before I eat, so my gum pockets are open for new food.
BarryHello. How did I walk past you? I'm Barry.
BarryEh, that's not a very hot name. I'm gonna call you "Roxanne." Ooh, pot stickers.
Howard(To Penny) Suddenly, I'm looking pretty good, huh?
SheldonSo, uh, Kripke, I was wondering if there's any chance you could get me some time on the Open Science Grid computer?
SheldonNo? But we're friends.
BarryI'm sorry. No, my friend.
SheldonI'm confused. I was given to understand that you allow your friends time on the machine.
BarryNo, that's wrong. There's an official schedule. I have no control over it.
SheldonOh. This entire endeavor seems to have been an exercise in futility. (Takes the pot stickers from Barry and hands Raj them) Raj, you're back in. (To confused Barry) He likes monkeys.
The rock climbing gym.
SheldonYou gotta give him credit for sticking with it.
LeonardWell I didn't think he had it in him.
RajAnd he almost made it to the top this time. (Sheldon is hung on the rope, unconscious)