The living room. SheldonHmm. The problem appears to be unsolvable.
HowardMaybe we could run some computer simulations.
HowardThere are too many variables. It would take forever.
LeonardWe've gotta be missing something. Okay. Let's start again. The movie is playing here at 7:20, here at 7:40, here 8:10, and here 8:45.
SheldonAll right. These theaters have to be eliminated.
LeonardWhy? They're state of the art, digital projection, twenty channel surround sound.
SheldonYes, but they have no ICEE machines. Despite my aggressive letter-writing campaign, I might add.
RajBut, what about the multiplex here? The seats are terrific.
SheldonThey have Twizzlers instead of Red Vines. No lumbar support can compensate for that.
LeonardWell, it's gonna take an hour to eat. And I don't see a Sheldon-approved restaurant proximate to a Sheldon-approved theater.
RajWe could eat after the movie.
SheldonUnacceptable. The delay would result in tomorrow morning's bowel movement occuring at work.
RajHang on, hang on. There's a 7-Eleven here. We smuggle Slurpees, which are essentially ICEEs, in under our coats, after having a pleasant meal either here, here, or here.
HowardWow. I don't see how we missed that.
SheldonExcuse me? In what universe are Slurpees ICEEs?
RajThat's how we missed it.
LeonardSheldon, would you be prepared, on a non-precedential basis to create an emergency ad hoc Slurpee-ICEE equivalency?
LeonardOh, Leonard, you know I can't do that.
HowardOkay, I guess we only have one option.
RajYup, I don't see any way around it.
LeonardBye, Sheldon.
HowardSee you.
RajLater, dude. (They leave without Sheldon)
SheldonThey're right. It was the only option. The hallway. Sheldon opens the door. Penny(Runs up the staircase) Oh. Oh. Shut the door, Shut the door.
SheldonWhy?
PennyJust do it. (Runs inside the apartment and then comes out) Get inside and shut the door.
SheldonWell, you didn't specify.
Pennyls Leonard around?
SheldonHe went to the movies without me. It was the only option. (Casts a glance at the board. Noticing that Penny's leaning against the door listening sth, he goes to the door and does so too.) I'm sorry, I don't know understand which social situation this is. Could you give me some guidance how to proceed?
Penny(Sighs) The building manager's showing an apartment downstairs and I haven't paid my rent.
SheldonOh, I see. Penny I'm not sure I'm comfortable harboring a fugitive from the 2311 North Los Robles Corporation.
PennyNo big deal, I'm just a little behind on my bills. 'Cause they cut back my hours at the restaurant and my car broke down.
SheldonIf you recall, I pointed out the "check engine" light to you several months ago.
PennyNo, the "check engine" light is fine. It's still blinking away. It's the stupid engine that stopped working. It cost me, like, $1200 to fix it.
SheldonYou know, it occurs to me. You could solve all your problems by obtaining more money.
Penny(Deadpan) Yes, it occurs to me too.
SheldonHang on a moment. (Opens a can and two ballons spring out. Penny gasps. He gets out a wad of money) Here. Take some. Pay me back when you can.
PennyWow, you got a lot of money in there.
SheldonThat's why it's guarded by snakes. Take some.
PennyDon't be silly.
SheldonI'm never silly. Here.
PennyNo, I can't.
SheldonDon't you need money?
PennyWell, yeah, but-
SheldonThis is money I'm not using.
PennyBut, what if you need it?
SheldonMy expenses account for 46.9 percent of my after-tax income. The rest is divvied up between a small savings account, this deceptive container of peanut brittle, and the hollowed-out buttocks of a superhero action figure who shall remain nameless for his own protection. Or, her own protection. Take some.
PennyReally? I mean, are you sure?
SheldonI see no large upcoming expenditures. Unless they develop an affordable technology to fuse my skeleton with Adamantium like Wolverine.
PennyAre they working on that?
SheldonI sincerely hope so.
PennyOkay. Well, thank you. (Takes some) Hmm. (Takes a little more) Hmm. (Puts one back, and then take it and more) Oh, God, no, I can't. Sheldon, honey, I don't want things to be weird between us.
SheldonWon't it also be weird if I have to say hello to you every morning on my way to work and you're living in a refrigerator box and washing your hair with rain water?
PennyI'll pay you back as soon as I can.
SheldonOf course you will. It's impossible to pay me back sooner than you can. Assuming you've subscribed to a linear understanding of time and causality.
PennyI'm regretting this already. First floor of the building. SheldonYou know, I've given the matter some thought and... I think I'd be willing to be a house pet to a race of super-intelligent aliens.
LeonardInteresting.
SheldonAsk me why.
LeonardDo I have to?
SheldonOf course. That's how you move a conversation forward.
LeonardWhy?
SheldonThe learning opportunities would be abundant. Additionally, I like having my belly scratched. (Penny enters)
LeonardHey, Penny. How was work?
PennyGreat. I hope I'm a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory for my whole life.
SheldonWas that sarcasm?
PennyNo.
SheldonWas that sarcasm?
PennyYes.
SheldonWas that sarcasm?
Leonard(Nudges him) Stop it.
SheldonPenny? You appear to have a package here.
PennyOh, thanks. It must be the beret I ordered. A couple of months ago. It was back-ordered.
SheldonDid you know the beret is an example of a piece of women's fashion adapted from male military uniforms? Another fascinating example is the epaulet.
LeonardHe's not lying. He does find that fascinating.
PennyOkay, look, whatever. It's not like I'm running up and down the streets just buying myself berets. I bought one like a month ago when it was back-ordered. Look, it finally arrived. All right?
SheldonAll right.
PennyOh, my God, would you just get off my case? (Runs up the stairs)
LeonardWeird.
SheldonOh, good. That was an unusual interaction. I wasn't sure.
LeonardYou guys have an argument?
SheldonNo.
LeonardYou clearly did something to aggravate her.
SheldonI'm at a loss. If you like, you can review my daily log of social interactions. And see if there's a blunder I overlooked. The living room. LeonardHere you go. Oh, you owe me another $2. The price of moo shu pork went up.
Howard(Sighs) Getting tougher and tougher to be a bad Jew. (Gives Leonard $2)
LeonardHere you go, Penny. Shrimp with lobster sauce.
PennyThank you. Leonard, what's my share?
LeonardUh, don't worry about it. It's my treat.
PennyNo, really. How much?
LeonardIt's whatever. Ten or eleven dollars.
PennyWell, which is it? Ten or eleven?
LeonardFourteen-fifty. But it's no biggie. You'll get the next one. (Raj whispers something in Howard's ear and both laugh)
PennyWhat?
HowardHe was just wondering if he wore skintight jeans and a tank top if he'd get his shrimp lo mein for free.
PennyWhat're you saying? That I'm using my body to get dinner? That I'm some sort of Chinese food prostitute?
HowardYeah, Raj, what're you saying?
PennyBecause, let me tell you something buddy, I pay my own way in this world. Okay? I don't rely on anybody. (Raj trots into the bathroom) What was that about?
HowardHe has a nervous bladder when he's stressed out. Kinda like a puppy.
PennyHere, Leonard. Ten, eleven, uh, twelve, fourteen dollars.
LeonardIt's 14.50, but it's okay.
SheldonOh, good. Dinner's here.
PennyYes, dinner's here. I'm having some, I'm having takeout food.
SheldonOkay.
PennyYou're damn right it's okay. I've been having leftovers from the restaurant for like four days and I wanted something different. So sue me.
SheldonForgive me, Penny, but that would be the very definition of a frivolous lawsuit.
PennySheldon, look, I will pay you back as soon as I can. You just have to give me more time.
LeonardOh, wait. You lent her money?
SheldonShe needed money. (To Penny) You seem under pressure. Did I not lend you a sufficient amount? Because I can give you more.
PennyOh, you know, you would just love that, wouldn't you? Yeah. You would just love to open up your little snake can and throw some money at the girl who can't pay her bills.
LeonardWhere are you going?
PennyGoing home. Where I won't be interrogated like a criminal. (Slams the door and then comes back) Forgot my fortune cookie.
SheldonIn case either of you have larceny in your heart, you should know that I've moved my money out of the snake can.
LeonardBut if you're ever short, there's always a couple of 50's in Green Lantern's ass. Penny's apartment. There are many lighted candles. Knocking on door. Leonard(Enters) Hey.
PennyHey.
LeonardA little mood lighting, huh?
PennyYeah. When I didn't pay my bill, the Department of Water and Power thought I would enjoy the ambience.
LeonardYeah, they're very considerate that way.
PennyI used Sheldon's money to pay my rent. Then I had, like, $14 left over.
LeonardFourteen dollars, huh?
PennyPut it back in your pocket or I'll find another place to put it.
LeonardBack in the pocket it goes. Look, you do understand that Sheldon really doesn't care when he gets the money back. It's actually one of the few idiosyncrasies that doesn't make you wanna, you know, kill him.
PennyYeah, well, that's not really my big problem.
LeonardOh. So you're a little behind on your bills. Everybody gets behind on their bills.
PennyYeah, I know, it's just- This wasn't the plan. It wasn't supposed to go this way.
LeonardHey, well, what was the plan?
PennyUm, waitress for six months and then become a movie star.
LeonardUh-huh. Was there a Plan B?
PennyTV star.
LeonardWell, it's probably not as bad as you think. Let's take a look. Maybe we can find some corners to cut. Oh, here's something. If you don't have electricity, then you probably don't need cable. Just a suggestion. A hundred and seventy dollars for acting classes?
PennyOh, no, I can't give up my acting classes. I'm a professional actress.
LeonardOh. You had an acting job where you got paid?
Penny(Scoffs) That is not the definition of professional.
LeonardActually, it kind of is. Let's keep looking. Whoa. What's $1800 to the Los Angeles County Superior Court?
PennyOh, that's nothing.
LeonardNothing? It sounds like you got caught speeding going 4000-miles an hour.
PennyWell, remember Kurt?
LeonardYour ex-boyfriend?
PennyYeah, he got arrested for taking a whiz on a cop car.
LeonardWhat?
PennyHe was drunk.
LeonardI would hope so.
PennyAnyway, he had a bunch of outstanding tickets and a bench warrant, so I- You know, I paid his fines.
LeonardDid he pay you back?
PennyNo, but he will.
LeonardAnd that's based on the inherent credit worthiness of people who get drunk and urinate on police vehicles?
PennyLeonard, I'm not gonna call up Kurt and ask him for money.
LeonardOh? What are you gonna do?
PennyI don't know. But I might have to find a cheaper place to live.
LeonardOh, no. No, you don't wanna do that.
PennyWhy not?
LeonardUh, moving is a big deal. Uh, you- You have to go to the supermarket and get boxes, and if they're not clean then your books smell like melons and it's- Why don't you just get a roommate and stay here?
PennyWell, do you know anybody?
LeonardWell, I'm sure the guy living with Sheldon wouldn't mind moving in with you.
PennyOh, Leonard, honey, if we started living together, I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off you.
LeonardReally?
PennyAnd you thought my acting lessons were a waste of money. The living room. HowardUgh. This moo shu pork's burning a hole through my duodenum.
RajTsk, tsk. Leviticus 11:3. Only parteth the hoof, and is clovenfooted, and cheweth the cud, among the beasts, that shall ye eat.
HowardHey, do I mock you with the Bhagavad Gita every time you scarf down a Whopper?
LeonardHey, what's going on?
RajWe're on a quest to the Valley of Fire to acquire the Secret Crown.
HowardYou want the Valley of Fire? It's right here. (Grabs his stomach)
LeonardHey, you guys wanna go on a real live quest?
SheldonOutside? I just made cocoa.
LeonardOh, come on, it'll be fun.
HowardWhat is it?
LeonardDo you guys remember Penny's ex-boyfriend Kurt? (They all raise their hands) Yeah, that's him. Uh, it turns out he owes Penny a lot of money and I'm gonna go get it from him. Who's with me? (They go back to the game)
HowardOoh, double sixes.
LeonardReally? You're just gonna let me go by myself?
RajOh, cool, I got a sword.
LeonardI could use some help.
RajHere. (Tries to give him a "sword")
LeonardYou guys are unbelievable. You play a game to simulate adventure, but when there's adventure out there in the real world you just wimp out.
SheldonLeonard, do you not recall the last time we visited this gentleman? We returned home without pants.
LeonardI do.
SheldonAre you sure? Because your proposal suggests you don't.
LeonardI'm not afraid of him.
SheldonAll right. Leonard fairly calls the question: Who is in favor of abandoning our game and confronting Penny's steroid-infused ex-boyfriend in a suicidal mission to extract money from him? (No response) Say hi to Kurt for us.
LeonardExcuse me. When Frodo left the Shire to take the one ring to Mordor, didn't Samwise, Pippin and Merry go with him?
SheldonThey did.
LeonardWell?
SheldonThey had a terrible time of it, Leonard.
RajPlus, no one stole their pants.
LeonardFine. Enjoy your little game. I'll make this quest on my own.
HowardLeonard, wait. Take a jacket, it's shpriting a little.
LeonardYou guys suck. (Leaves and then comes back) Come on, please. He's so big. Outside Kurt's door. LeonardOkay, is everyone clear on the plan?
HowardYes. Koothrappali's going to wet himself, I'm gonna throw up, Sheldon's gonna run away, and you're going to die. Shall we synchronize our watches?
LeonardGuys, there are four of us and one of him.
SheldonWhich means his triumph will be even larger. Minstrels will write songs about him.
LeonardOkay, how about this? I'll do the talking, you just stand behind me and try to look... formidable. (Knocks on the door)
RajI should've peed before we left.
KurtYeah? (Howard quickly makes a cross)
LeonardHi, Kurt.
KurtLenny, right?
LeonardI don't really go by Lenny, but that's okay. Um... You remember Sheldon, Howard and Raj?
KurtNo. What do you want?
SheldonYou don't remember me? How could he not remember?
LeonardSheldon, not now.
SheldonI remember him.
LeonardOkay, here it is. Penny's in kind of a financial jam and the money that you owe her would go a long way to solving her problems.
PennyAnd she sent you to get it from me?
LeonardNo, no, she's too proud to ask for the money. I, on the other hand, feel you should honor your debt.
KurtYou do? (Raises his hand. Leonard Recoils. Turns out he just wants to scratch his head)
Leonard"Feel" is kind of a- It's a strong word. Uh... I just- I think it'd be a nice gesture on your part.
KurtShe'll get it when she gets it. (Closes the door)
HowardWell, there you go. Problem solved.
RajA successful quest. Now let's find a gas station with a clean bathroom.
LeonardNo, the problem isn't solved. He just blew us off.
SheldonI've got it. He didn't remember me, because the last time we met I was in a Halloween costume.
HowardCome on, Leonard, let's go.
LeonardNo. You can leave if you want to. I'm gonna see this through.
HowardOkay. (They leave)
LeonardI guess technically that was my fault. (Knocks on the door) I'm not leaving here without Penny's money.
KurtWhat happened to your backup?
LeonardI don't need backup. I have right on my side. And I'm wearing cargo shorts under my pants. Leonard's car. SheldonCongratulations. You may not have succeeded in getting cash, but you did secure a formal acknowledgment of the debt. (Leonard's forehead reads "I OWE PENNY $1800 Kurt")
HowardMaybe we should have your head notarized.
RajIf anybody cares, I still have to pee. The hallway. Penny knocks on Leonard's door. Leonard(Wearing a hat) Hey.
PennyHey. Is Sheldon here?
LeonardYeah, hang on. Sheldon.
PennyNice hat.
LeonardYou know, it's kind of a fashionable look these days.
PennyMaybe if you're working on a tuna boat.
SheldonHello, Penny.
PennySheldon, here is your money. Thank you very much, it helped a lot.
SheldonSarcasm?
PennyNo.
SheldonDarn. I can't seem to get the hang of that.
LeonardHey, I know it's none of my business, but where did the money come from?
PennyWell, I cut back my expenses like you said and picked up a few more hours at the restaurant. But the biggest thing was, out of the blue, Kurt shows up and gives me the money he owes me. (Chuckles)
LeonardReally? Did he say why?
PennyYes. He said he was feeling guilty and wanted to do what was right. (Chuckles)
LeonardThat's it? Did he give any reason as to why he came to this moral epiphany?
PennyNope. I just think he's really changed. We're having dinner tomorrow night. And I get to wear my new beret. Bye, guys.
LeonardBye.
SheldonWell done, Leonard. The true hero doesn't seek adulation. He fights for right and justice simply because it's his nature.
LeonardPenny's hooking up with her jerk of an ex-boyfriend and I have indelible ink on my forehead.
SheldonThat's your badge of honor. They're your, uh, warrior's wound, if you will. I was wrong. Minstrels will write songs about you.
LeonardGreat.
Sheldon(Sings) There once was a brave lad named Leonard / With a fi-fi-fiddle dee-dee / He faced a fearsome giant / While Raj just wanted to pee
{Fiddle Dee Dee (A nursery rhyme) / Fiddle dee dee, fiddle dee dee / The fly has married the bumblebee / They went to the church / And married was she / The fly has married the bumblebee.}