A paintball arena.
HowardThat was close.
RajGod, I love the smell of paintballs in the morning.
HowardYeah, still funny, Raj.
LeonardIt's no way we can get to the ridge. The Chemistry Department has us completely cut off.
HowardWhat about the creek bed?
SheldonThe Pharmacology Department controls that. And they're all hopped up on experimental steroids.
RajThat's it then. We're doomed.
SheldonI think the time's come to acknowledge we are paying the price for some of us failing to attend my Physics Department paintball strategy meeting.
HowardMy mom has spider veins. I had to take her to the laser clinic.
SheldonAnd I told you I wanted to see a doctor's note. (Howard shakes his head in disbelief)
RajWe need a plan. How about Operation Hammer of the Gods?
LeonardForget it. Which one is Hammer of the Gods?
RajWe hide in the dumpsters in the parking lot and ambush people when they come to pee.
HowardNo, no, the dumpsters are deep in Astronomy Department territory.
LeonardShouldn't be a problem, Venus is up during the day. They're probably just all staring at the sky.
SheldonAll right, what we need now is a tactical retreat. Did you see the episode of Stargate where they found themselves on a planet with a culture based loosely on Earth's Athens and Sparta? Not important. Leonard, Raj and I are gonna burst out the door and run away. Howard will cover us.
HowardWhy don't I run away and you cover me?
SheldonBecause you chose your mother's veins over victory. On three. One, two, three, go!
HowardIt's almost bathing-suit weather. (Some guy rolls in and holds him at gunpoint) I surrender, don't shoot. They went that way.
LeslieHoward, I'm on your team.
HowardOh, Leslie, thank God.
LeslieWhere's the rest of your squad?
HowardUh, they left me here to die. What about yours?
LeslieDead. All of them.
LeslieDon't be. It was friendly fire. (Blows her muzzle) They just wouldn't listen.
HowardWell, we're surrounded. So I guess there's nothing for us to do but wait to be captured or killed.
LeslieHm. That's the worst part. The waiting.
HowardAll the while knowing that there's a paint pellet out there with your name on it.
LeslieYeah. The big wet ball of death. (Paintballs spraying the shed; Howard fells onto the ground and then quickly sit back)
LeslieKind of makes you feel more alive, doesn't it?
HowardIt kinda does.
LeslieI say we make every moment count.
HowardI agree. How exactly do we do that? (They kiss. Paintballs firing in dlstance)
LeonardHoward, why aren't you covering us? We're getting slaughtered out here.
HowardWar is hell. (Resumes the kiss)
RajDid you guys see the new budget memo this morning?
LeonardYeah, more cutbacks.
SheldonUnacceptable. It baffles me why they don't simply let some of you go so there's money available for my research.
LeonardYou know what baffles me, Sheldon?
SheldonBased on your academic record, any number of things, I would imagine.
LeslieHey you guys.
LeslieHoward, I got the approval for the rapid prototyper you wanted.
HowardThat's great, Leslie. Thanks.
LeslieYou scratch my back, I scratch yours. (Growls like a cat and then leaves)
RajWhat was all that about?
HowardOh, uh, no big deal. They gave Leslie control over some unrestricted grant money.
LeonardYeah, okay, but what's with the back scratching and the meow?
SheldonI believe the back-scratching metaphor generally describes a quid pro quo situation where one party provides goods or services to the second party in compensation for a similar action.
SheldonThe meow, that sounded to me like an African civet cat.
LeonardAre you done?
SheldonNo. Despite what the name suggests, the civet cat is not a true cat. (Pleased with himself) Now I'm done.
RajYou know what? I'm thinking- I'm thinking Howard wasn't making a back-scratching metaphor. I'm thinking there was some actual scratching involved. (Howard squirms)
LeonardWhat about it, Howard?
HowardOkay, I didn't wanna say anything 'cause I know you and Leslie have a little history.
LeonardI don't care about that.
HowardGreat, 'cause I've been dying to say something.
LeonardYou and Leslie?
HowardIn the paintball shed. Twice.
SheldonIs that why you didn't cover our escape and let us get cut down like animals?
HowardOh, yeah. Sorry about that.
SheldonMy good man. Dereliction of duty in the face of the enemy is a court-martial offense.
HowardCourt martial, schmort martial. Leslie Winkle is the fifth girl I've ever had sex with. I mean, for free.
RajAnd plus you got a rapid prototyper. That's an expensive piece of equipment, dude.
LeonardAnd the rest of us have had our budgets cut to the bone.
HowardOkay, one way to look at this is that I'm getting new equipment and you're not, and that's unfair. But a better way to look at this is that I'm getting sex and you're not. And that's delightful.
The living room. Leonard is fixing Penny's laptop.
PennyUgh. The whole thing froze. I don't know what happened.
LeonardCalm down. We'll figure it out.
PennyHow can I calm down? I'm gonna lose my whole shopping cart. That's three hours of picking out shoes just shot to hell.
SheldonYou're in my spot.
PennyAre you planning on sitting here?
SheldonNo, I'm going to the comic-book store.
PennyThen what difference does it make?
SheldonWhat difference does it make?
LeonardHere we go.
SheldonThat is my spot. In an ever-changing world, it is a single point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function on a four-dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, that spot at the moment I first sat on it would be zero, zero, zero, zero.
LeonardDon't sit in his spot.
Penny(Exhales sharply) Fine. (Moves) Happy?
SheldonI'm not unhappy. (Leaves)
PennyBoy, I love him, but he is one serious whackadoodle.
LeonardOkay, that should do it.
PennyOh, thank you. You are a lifesaver.
LeonardThat's a lot of shoes you ordered.
PennyYeah, you know the sad thing is, it's really not. Ooh, is this one of those paintball guns?
LeonardYeah. You ought to come with us sometime.
PennyOh, no, thanks. I'm from Nebraska. When we shoot things, that's because we wanna eat them or make them leave our boyfriends alone. (Accidentally fires the gun at the spot) Oh!
Howard's bedroom. He and Leslie are in bed. There's a big smile on his face.
LeslieBoy, your heart's racing. I must've really gotten you going.
HowardWell, it's partly you. Partly my transient, idiopathic arrhythmia.
HowardCan I assume that you've likewise found the experience?
HowardThat wasn't quite the word I was looking for, but sure, I'll do this pass-fail.
LeslieHey, are you enjoying that prototyper I got you?
HowardOh, it's great. Everybody in the Engineering Department is eating their hearts out.
LeslieIsn't it nice when your good fortune makes others miserable?
HowardYou know, most people don't get that.
Mrs. WolowitzHoward, I'm home!
Mrs. WolowitzBook club was canceled. That thing on Phyllis' neck opened up again.
HowardI'm busy, Ma.
Mrs. WolowitzToo busy to help your mother with her zipper?
HowardDon't come in, Ma.
Mrs. WolowitzWhy not?
LeslieHe's got company!
HowardOh, there's the arrhythmia.
Mrs. WolowitzIs she Jewish?
HowardAre you Jewish?
Mrs. WolowitzOkay, then you kids have fun. Use protection.
The living room. Leonard is trying to scrub the stain off.
PennyYou think he'll notice?
LeonardThere's a chance.
PennyOh, what are we gonna do?
Leonard"We"? No, no, no, you had your chance to be "we" for like a year and a half now. Right now, you are you, and you are screwed.
PennyWhy do we have to tell him I did it?
LeonardWell, we're not gonna tell him I did it.
PennyOkay, okay, how about this?
PennyWe tell him somebody broke in.
LeonardJust to shoot the couch with a paintball gun?
PennyI'm sorry, I buy it. All those people are on drugs.
LeonardWe could tell him they wanted the couch to stay away from their boyfriend.
PennyOkay, fine. Well, what if we just flip it over? There. Looks fine, right?
LeonardHmm. Butt print. There's no discernible butt print.
PennyOh, come on. (Sits on the spot and rubs the cushion with her butts) There. Butt print.
LeonardIt's too small and too perfect.
Penny(Happily) Thank you.
PennyShh. Act normal.
LeonardSheldon! How was the comic-book store?
SheldonFine. The new issue of Flash is out.
LeonardGreat, great. Did you walk the whole way? It's a little chilly.
SheldonKoothrappali picked me up.
LeonardIsn't that terrific? He is such a good friend. You know what the best thing about friends is?
SheldonThey don't talk incessantly for no particular reason?
LeonardNo, no, friends forgive the little things.
PennyYou know, I'm gonna go home and wash my hair.
LeonardDon't you dare, missy.
Sheldon(Reading his comic book) Hello, fastest man alive. Wanna see me read your entire comic book? Wanna see it again? (Goes over to the spot and sits down; feels uncomfortable) Something's wrong.
LeonardWhat do you mean?
SheldonI'm not sure. (Wriggles his body) It doesn't feel right.
LeonardI don't know what you're talking about.
(Sheldon turns the cushion over)
LeonardOh, that. Penny did that.
[Continued from earlier. They are having dinner. The spot has no cushion; Sheldon sits on an armrest and whines.]
LeonardWhy don't you just eat in your desk chair?
SheldonWhy don't I just eat in my desk chair?
PennyHere we go.
SheldonThat is my desk chair. That is where I work. I don't eat in my desk chair and I don't work in my spot. I work in my desk chair and eat in my spot.
Leonard(To Penny) Whackadoodle.
HowardYou know, there's kind of an obvious solution here. (To Raj) Get up. (Puts Raj's cushion on the spot. To Sheldon) There, problem solved. (To Raj) Nobody cares where you're gonna sit. You're not crazy.
SheldonExcuse me, but the problem is not solved. If your head had been accidentally amputated, and we transplanted a dog's head in its place, would that be "problem solved"?
LeonardIf it were your head, it would be.
PennySheldon, I am really, really sorry, but it's only for a week. Can't you be a little bit flexible? Yeah, sorry, I didn't really think that through.
SheldonYou claim it's going to be a week. But I have no faith in your dry cleaner.
SheldonDid you notice the sign on his counter? He's not a full-time dry cleaner. He also makes keys.
LeonardOh, for God's sake, Sheldon.
SheldonFocus is important. Was Michael DeBakey a wedding planner in between heart transplants? Did Alexander Fleming moonlight as a hair dresser? Thanks for discovering penicillin. Now how about we try a bouffant?
(Cell phone ringing)
HowardOh, looks like I'm gonna have sex tonight. (On phone) Hey, baby.
PennyHis right hand is calling him?
LeonardNo, it's Leslie Winkle. It's a long story.
HowardSure. I'll pick you up in 10 minutes. (Hangs up) Gentlemen, adieu.
LeonardI thought we were gonna play Halo tonight.
HowardWhat am I supposed to do, Leonard? There's a woman out there anxious to have sex with me. (To Penny) You understand, right?
Penny(Poker-faced) No, not at all.
HowardNevertheless, I must depart.
By the way, did I tell you Leslie pulled some strings and got me on the research trip to Geneva to check out the CERN super collider?
LeonardThat's not fair. You're not even a physicist.
HowardOkay. There are two ways of looking at this-
HowardThank you. It helps when I get to practice with a real woman.
LeslieHey, listen. Saturday, my sister's getting married. I-I want you to come with me. It's black tie.
HowardYeah, gee, I'd really rather not.
LeslieWhy not? When I go to weddings, it's to scam on chunky bridesmaids. I don't know what I would do with a date.
LeslieOh, all right. I understand.
LeslieHey, I'm really sorry about that Geneva trip.
HowardWhat about it?
LeslieOh, didn't you hear? I had to reduce the number of people going and you didn't make the cut.
HowardWhen did that happen?
LeslieAbout 12 seconds ago.
HowardHold on. Are you saying if I don't go to the wedding, I can't go to Geneva?
LeslieWell actually, I'm trying not to say it.
HowardOkay, I'm sorry, but that makes me a little uncomfortable.
HowardBecause it's like you're controlling me with new equipment and research trips.
LeslieWell, if I weren't controlling you with new equipment and research trips, then I'd be uncomfortable.
Leslie'Cause then we'd be in a real relationship with feelings and all that crap.
HowardSo bottom line, I'm just a bought-and-paid-for sex toy.
LeslieNo, no, not at all. You're also arm candy. So, what do you think?
HowardHey, Ma, you gotta rent me a tux!
mrw Right now? What kind of sex are you having up there?
The living room. Sheldon's crouching on the spot.
LeonardWhy are you crouching there?
SheldonThis is my spot. Where else am I supposed to crouch?
LeonardI don't know, Texas?
PennyHere you go. Fresh from the cleaners. Good as new.
LeonardReally? Great. Sheldon, look. Good as new.
SheldonFrom that key maker? I highly doubt it.
PennyCome on, Sheldon. Just give it a try.
Penny(Sets the cushion down) There. Nice and comfy-cozy. Zero, zero, zero.
SheldonThere's one more zero. You forgot the time parameter.
PennySit on the damn couch.
Sheldon(Carefully examines it for a while, sits on it and then immediately gets up) Nope.
PennyWhat do you mean "nope"? What's wrong with it?
LeonardNothing, it's what's wrong with him.
PennyIt's exactly the same-
LeonardPenny, Penny. I think I know what to do. Sheldon, I have some bad news.
LeonardI'm afraid so. You know the cashew chicken I get you on Monday nights?
SheldonYes, from Szechwan Palace.
LeonardSzechwan Palace closed two years ago.
SheldonWhat? Where did my cashew chicken come from?
Sheldon(Collapses on to the couch) No. No, this isn't right. No, our food always comes in Szechwan Palace containers.
LeonardYeah, well, before they went out of business, I bought 4000 containers. I keep them in the trunk of my car.
SheldonBut- Oh, this changes everything.
LeonardI thought that might take his mind off the cushion.
SheldonWhat's real? What isn't? How can I know?
PennyYou did make that up, right?
LeonardOh God, I wish I had.
SheldonI still don't like this cushion.
The paintball shed.
LeonardOkay, first of all, Penny, thank you for coming.
PennyOh, thanks for the shoes.
LeonardPenny is an amazing shot. I think we have a real chance to win this week.
HowardWhat's the plan?
LeonardOkay. Now, we all run out, Sheldon and I will cut to the left behind these trees. Raj, Howard and Leslie flank to the right behind the rocks. Then We'll all have a great view as Penny runs out and kills everyone in sight.
SheldonAll right, just one thing before we start.
LeonardWhat is it, Sheldon?
(Sheldon shoots Penny)
PennyWhat the hell?
SheldonThat was for my cushion.
LeonardSheldon, Penny was our only hope.
SheldonI'm sorry, Leonard. But revenge is a dish best served cold.
PennyScrew that. (Shoots him)
SheldonShe can't shoot me. She's dead.
LeonardHe's right. You can't. (Shoots him)
SheldonWell, if we're going to descend into anarchy... (Shoots Leonard)
HowardOkay. See you.
LeonardWhere are you going?
LeslieSurrender, then Denny's.