The living room.
HowardOkay, Raj, hand me the number six Torx screwdriver.
SheldonStop. We can't do this. It's not right.
RajSheldon, you have two choices. Either You let him put a bigger hard drive in the TiVo or you delete stuff before we go out of town.
SheldonBut once you open the box, you voided the warranty. The warranty is a sacred covenant we've entered into with the manufacturer. He offers to stand by his equipment. And we in return, agree not to violate the integrity of the internal hardware. This little orange sticker is all that stands between us and anarchy.
LeonardOkay, then we won't touch the hard drive. We'll just erase the first season of Battlestar.
Sheldon(Rips off the orange sticker) There. We're outlaws.
Penny(Enters with a pink bag) Here you go, Leonard. Is this gonna be big enough?
HowardFor taking daffodils to your unicorn.
LeonardIt's just for my notebooks. Thanks, Penny.
PennyOh, I love San Francisco. I wish I was going with you.
SheldonI understand your envy. This is a can't-miss symposium. There are going to be discussions on bioorganic cellular computer devices, the advancements in multi-threaded task completion, plus a round table on the non-equilibrium Green's Function approach to the photoionization process in atoms.
PennyWhen I go, I usually just get hammered and ride the cable cars.
LeonardThis conference is kind of a big thing. The keynote address is being delivered by George Smoot.
PennyOh, my God. The George Smoot?
LeonardYou've heard of him?
PennyOf course I haven't.
SheldonGeorge Smoot is a Nobel Prize-winning physicist, one of the great minds of our time. His work in black body form and anisotropy of the cosmic microwave background radiation cemented our understanding of the origin of the universe.
PennyIt's kind of a funny name though. Smoot.
SheldonIt's like talking to a chimp.
PennyOkay, now that I've been completely insulted, have a good flight.
LeonardYeah, I wish.
SheldonWe're not flying. We're taking the train.
HowardYeah, cool. Seven times as long as flying and costs almost twice as much.
PennyWell then why are you doing it?
LeonardWell, we had a vote. Three of us voted for airplane, Sheldon voted for train. So we're taking the train.
SheldonDon't say it like that, Leonard. Say it like, "We're taking the train!"
Sheldon's office. Knocking on door.
Leonard(Enters) Hey, we're all going up to the Apple store to make fun of the guys at the Genius Bar. You wanna come?
SheldonOh, I always enjoy that, but I'm a little busy.
LeonardWhat are you doing?
SheldonI'm simplifying the task of packing for our trip. See, by attaching RFlD tags to my clothing, it will enable my laptop to read and identify the items with this wand. I will then cross-reference them against destination, anticipated activity spectrum, weather conditions, duration of trip, etc.
LeonardWell, that does sound much simpler. How long is this gonna take?
SheldonAssuming I can keep up this pace, three hours 11 minutes. Plus however long it takes to conclude this fairly pointless conversation.
LeonardWow. Teasing the guys at the Apple store seems a little redundant now.
SheldonI don't follow. (Teasing Sheldon is enough)
LeonardI wouldn't expect you to. I'll see you later. (Leaves)
Sheldon(Scanner beeps) Socks, one pair, cotton, argyle, blue. (Scanner beeps) Socks, one pair, cotton, argyle, blue.
A coach. Raj is putting his luggage on the shelf.
SheldonWhat on earth are you doing?
RajWhatever it is, I'm guessing we're doing it wrong.
SheldonGentlemen, this is the Coast Starlight, one of the great American trains operating on one of the classic American routes. On this side, you'll see panoramic ocean vistas inaccessible to any other form of transportation. While on your side you'll be treated to 350 miles of Costcos, Jiffy Lubes and cinder block homes with above-ground pools.
HowardCome on, Raj. (Goes over to the side)
RajWhat's wrong with Jiffy Lubes?
SheldonThat's over the wheelbase. Are you completely unfamiliar with the suspension characteristics of a pre-1980 Pullman-built Superliner Deluxe passenger coach?
LeonardSheldon, we've been on this train 90 seconds and you've already said a thousand words. Just tell us where to sit and shut up.
SheldonHere. I'm hoping once you reap the endorphic rewards of the steady clickety-clack of steel wheels on polished rails, your sour disposition will abate.
LeonardYeah, maybe. Meanwhile, back in the 21st century, people are raising their tray tables and putting their seat-backs in upright position 'cause it's time to land in San Francisco.
RajIt's not so bad really. At least these trains have modern plumbing. In India, you squat over a hole in the train and expose your naked buttocks to the chilly air of Rajasthan.
SheldonHe is referring, of course, to third class on Indian Railways' magnificent Ranakpur Express and its 1200-kilometer journey from Maharashtra to the Bikaner Junction.
LeonardOh, look. Now he's boring on an international scale.
RajHoly crap, look.
LeonardIs that who I think it is?
HowardIt can't be. What would Summer Glau be doing riding the train?
LeonardMaybe John Connor's aboard and she's protecting him from an evil Terminator.
SheldonUnlikely. That's a television show, Leonard.
SheldonOf course, if Skynet actually did exist in the future, a perfect way to infiltrate and destroy mankind would be to send Terminators back posing as actors who have played Terminators in films and television series lulling us into a false sense of security, i. e.: "That's Summer Glau from The Sarah Connor Chronicles. No, Summer, don't kill me! I'm pro-robot." (Mimics being shot and groans)
LeonardAt least he's off the train crap.
HowardSheldon, I owe you an apology. Taking the train was a stroke of brilliance. I've actually got a shot at a Terminator.
RajOh, please. When it comes to Terminators, you've got a better shot of scoring with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
HowardYou're overlooking something. I have 11 hours with her in a confined space. Unless she's willing to jump off a moving train, tuck and roll down the side of a hill, she will eventually succumb to the acquired taste that is Howard Wolowitz.
LeonardMy money's on tuck and roll.
SheldonI'm confused. I thought you were involved in some sort of socially intimate pairing with Leslie Winkle.
HowardSheldon, let me explain to you how this works.
HowardThat's Summer Glau.
HowardThat's it. (Get ready to make a move on her)
RajHang on a sec. Why do you get first crack at her?
HowardUh, well, let's see. Couple reasons. One, I saw her first.
RajNo, you didn't. I did.
HowardFair enough. But then let me move on to number two. Unlike you, I can actually talk to women when I'm sober.
RajYou fail to take into account that even mute, I am foreign and exotic, while you, on the other hand, are frail and pasty.
HowardWell, you know the old saying. Pasty and frail, never fail.
LeonardExcuse me, but what about me? Why don't I get a shot?
HowardFine, go ahead, take a shot.
LeonardYou know, I've already got a gorgeous blonde back home that I can't score with. I think I'll let you two take this one.
RajSheldon, is there a place on this train to get alcohol?
SheldonInteresting that you ask. The Coast Starlight recently added the refurbished Pacific Parlour Car. Built in 1956 and originally known as the Santa Fe Lounge Car, the lower level-
RajYeah yeah yeah, which way?
SheldonUpper level is a bar that offers wine tastings if you're going as far as Portland.
LeonardSo, aren't you gonna go talk to her?
HowardI will. I'm just working on my opening line.
LeonardShe's probably heard every possible line, Howard. Why don't you just try "Hello?"
HowardNo no no no. That always creeps girls out. I need to come up with something that's funny, smart and delicately suggests that my sexual endowment is disproportionate to my physical stature.
LeonardYou're gonna need more than 11 hours.
LeonardWhat's the matter?
SheldonI forgot my flash drive.
SheldonSo we have to go back.
LeonardOkay, Sheldon, I'm gonna say "Why?" and your answer cannot be "Because I forgot my flash drive."
SheldonYou don't understand. My flash drive has my paper on astrophysical probes of M-theory effects in the early universe that I was going to give to George Smoot at the conference.
LeonardWhy do you have to give your paper to George Smoot?
SheldonIt's brilliant. He needs to read it.
LeonardSo you'll send him an email when we get back.
SheldonThen I won't get to see his face light up as he reads it.
LeonardRight. Of course.
SheldonOh, this is an unmitigated disaster.
LeonardWell, there's nothing you can do about it, so relax. Sit back and enjoy the clickety-clack of the steel wheels on the polished rails.
SheldonYou forgot your flash drive / You forgot your flash drive / You forgot your flash drive / You forgot your flash drive / You forgot your flash drive
LeonardOnly 10 hours, 55 minutes to go.
SheldonYou forgot your flash drive / You forgot your flash drive
Howard(Resolutely stands up) It's hot in here. Must be Summer. (Goes over to her; skips past her; goes back; tries to talk but fails. To two Sisters at the opposite side) So, where are you gals headed?
SheldonOkay, I found the perfect solution. We get off the train at the next stop in Oxnard. We then take the 1:13 train back to Union Station. We take a cab back to the apartment, get my flash drive and then race to San Luis Obispo, we assume the lights are with us, minimal traffic, we'll meet the train.
LeonardI've got a better idea.
SheldonAre you going to be sarcastic?
LeonardBoy, you take all the fun out of it for me. But, look, Penny's home. Why don't we just call her, have her get your flash drive and e-mail you the paper?
SheldonBut the flash drive is in a locked drawer in my desk.
SheldonThe key is hidden in my room.
SheldonPenny would have to go into my room.
SheldonPeople don't go in my room.
LeonardI see. Well, it seems once again you're caught between a rock and a crazy place.
SheldonOh, I hate when that happens.
HowardIt's hot in here. Must be Summer. It's hot in here. Must be summer. It's hot in here. Must be Summer.
Raj(Comes back. Loud) It's hot in here. Must be Summer.
RajReally? I just made it up. Have you seen Slumdog Millionaire?
SummerOh yeah, I loved it.
RajIt's loosely based on my life.
Penny's living room.
PennyYeah, we're putting the play on for one night in this little 99-seat theater. Can you come? Oh, great. Do you know 98 other people that might wanna come? Oh, hang on. (Switches the line) Hello?
SheldonListen carefully. I'm about to give you a set of instructions which you must follow to the letter.
PennyJust a sec. (Switches back) The theater's above a bowling alley so it's a little noisy, but it might be the only chance I'll ever get to play Anne Frank. And the director is brilliant. He uses the bowling sounds as, like, Nazi artillery. Okay, great, I'll see you then. (Switches to Sheldon) Hello?
SheldonOkay, step four. Do you see that small plastic case on my dresser?
PennyYour dresser? Who is this?
PennyOh, hey, Sheldon. How's San Francisco?
SheldonI'm not in San Francisco. I'm on a tra- Were you even listening to me?
PennyUh, no, I was talking to my friend. But what's up?
SheldonWhat's up? I'll tell you what's up. I'm in a crisis situation, and I need you to marshal your powers of concentration, limited as they may be-
LeonardGive me the phone. (On phone) Hi, Penny, it's Leonard.
PennyHey, Leonard, what's going on with Dr. Wackadoodle?
LeonardHey, he's calling to ask you a favor. You might be confused because he didn't use the words "Penny, " "Sheldon, " "please" or "favor."
SheldonOkay. Enough chitchat. Okay, step one: Locate your emergency key to our apartment. Step two: Enter our apartment. Step three: (Hesitates) Enter my bedroom. Step four-
PennyYeah, hang on Sheldon, get another call.
SheldonNo! Leonard, let me tell you something. Personal robots cannot get here soon enough.
RajAnd that bright little star peeking her head out early today, that's Venus.
SummerThat is so cool. You really know a lot about space.
RajCome on. When you were on TV in Firefly, you were actually in space.
SummerYou're not one of those guys who believe that are you?
RajYou mean one of the hopeless geeks? No. Those are crazy people. Howard, be a dear and get me another one of these. (Howard snatches the bottle) Now him, he's one of those geeks.
SheldonAll right, now before you enter my bedroom unescorted, I need you to understand that this one time grant of access does not create a permanent easement. Easement. It's a legal right of access. Good grief. What? No, don't put me on hold. Oh...
HowardDo you believe him? Normally around women, he has the personality of a boiled potato. Put one beer in him, and he's M. Knight Charmalarmalon.
LeonardIs that what he's drinking? It's not even real beer.
LeonardLook at it. Non-alcoholic beer.
HowardWhat's going on?
LeonardI don't know. Some sort of placebo effect, I guess.
HowardPlacebo, you say. Interesting.
SheldonYes, I'm still here. Where am I going? I'm on a train. Now, what you'll be looking for is a small wooden box located between a Hoberman Sphere and a sample of quartz flecked with pyrite. Hoberman Sphere. It's a collapsible icosidodecahedron. No, the thing with the time on it is my alarm clock. (To Leonard; mouths) My God.
RajActually, in lndia, the names of constellations are different. Where you have the Big Dipper, we have the Big Curry Pot.
SummerYou're making that up.
RajYou got me. Now, what are you going to do with me?
RajWhat am I looking at?
HowardYou tell me.
RajNon-alcoholic beer. (Leaves)
Howard(Sits down opposite her) Hi. I'm the small package good things come in.
PennyOkay, I got a box, but there's no key in here. Just letters.
SheldonThat's the wrong box. Put it back.
PennyOh, Sheldon, are these letters from your grandmother?
SheldonDon't read those letters.
PennyOh, look, she calls you Moon Pie. That is so cute.
SheldonPut down the letters!
Leonard(Snatches the phone) Hey, Penny. It's Leonard.
PennyHey, Leonard. How's the train ride?
LeonardDelightful. Listen, I don't know what you're doing right now, but there are little bubbles forming in the corner of Sheldon's mouth.
PennyOkay. Yeah, I kinda crossed a line. Put him back on.
PennyWhat up, Moon Pie?
SheldonNo one calls me Moon Pie but Meemaw. (Leonard motions Sheldon to give him the phone)
LeonardHey, Penny. Leonard again.
HowardSo anyway, in the dream, you and I were ice skating, just the two of us. And then I picked you up by your ankles and twirled you round and round until your legs tore off. I mean, I-I tried to stick them back on, but before I could, you turned into a giant loaf of pumpernickel bread. What do you think that means?
SummerI really don't know.
HowardI'll give you a little clue. My favorite sandwich? Salami on pumpernickel.
SummerIs that so?
HowardDid you know the word pumpernickel comes from the German words pumper and knickel? Which loosely translates to fart goblin?
SummerNo. I didn't.
PennyOkay, I found the box. Now what?
SheldonYou're holding a Japanese puzzle box, which takes 10 precise moves to open. Okay, you first, locate the panel with the diamond pattern and slide the center portion 1 millimeter to the left. Then, on the opposite end of the box, slide the entire panel down 2 millimeters. You'll hear a slight click.
PennyHang on. Sheldon, do you have any emotional attachment to this box?
SheldonNo. It's a novelty I ordered off the Internet. Did you hear the click?
PennyNot yet. (Puts it on the floor and stamps on it) There it is.
HowardOkay, here's another one. If you married the famous rock guitarist Johnny Winter, you'd be Summer Winter.
HowardYep. Okay, I'm gonna just go for broke here and say I like you.
HowardSo, here's my question: Do you realisticlly see any conversational path that would take us from where we are right now to a place where I could ask you out and you'd say yes?
HowardFair enough. I'll leave you in peace.
HowardBut before I go, would you mind if I just take one picture of us together for my Facebook page?
Howard(Holds her) Okay. Great. Now can I take one where it looks like we're making out?
SheldonOkay, now, you're going to insert the flash drive into the USB port. She calls me Moon Pie because I'm nummy-nummy and she could just eat me up. Now please, put the flash drive in the USB port. The one that looks like a little duck's mouth. (Howard comes back)
LeonardHey, how'd it go?
HowardTerminator broke my phone.
LeonardExcuse me. (Goes over and sits in the seat opposite her) Okay, I'll be honest with you. I just spent the last two hours imagining various scenarios in my head, trying to come up with some clever line to say to you, but then I finally realized you're a human being, I'm a human being. I could just say- (Conductor on PA) Next stop, Santa Barbara.
SummerI'm sorry. This is me. (Leaves)
LeonardHi, my name's Leonard.
At the conference.
SheldonSo I'm thinking, you won the Nobel Prize, what, three years ago, so you must deal with a whole lot of "What has Smoot done lately?" My thought is, we continue my research as a team, you know, Cooper-Smoot, alphabetical, and, when we win the Nobel Prize, you'll be back on top.
SmootWith all due respect, Dr. Cooper, are you on crack? (Leaves)
SheldonFine. Smoot-Cooper. Wow, what a diva.